Experiential

I don't know about you.

I have many problems intrinsic to me, myselves and Is.

Perhaps, among them, one of my major league issue is that... I am hopelessly experiential....

This leads me to wonder....

Um.... experiential propensity induced hysteric personality disorder or vice versa? 8-O lol 8-X

Functional

Just when I was taking down the following passage from the book "Madness"...

"I sit down at my desk to work. I'm not writing well, but I'm only writing for myself. This is to make me feel functional, a feeling I lost during those years of total disability, so that at the end of the day I can feel good about the fact that the day did not pass me by." P. 243

No better way to put it... the pursuit of functionality...

This voice rose from sort of the center of my head...

"I envy you. You feel so settled." 8-O

So... my delusional and hallucinational self/selves are envious of this useless me? 8-O lol oops...

Wiser people

The good thing about hanging out with the older and wiser people is... they have gone through so many more things and their experiences make your problems small-- because they seem to have already lived through many of the issues you might have at hand...

This leads me to wonder when listening to their chit-chats....

How am I gonna see myself and my own dealing 30-40 years down the road?

Memory

I have no idea how the future would unfold.... not quite sure what it is like for you.

However, at times, I believe that the past or the untraceable present afford us always something in the future.

Took my mama to see her friends during the weekend...

The uncle had 3 strokes so far but could still talk, walk and function pretty well although my aunt did mention to us how the stroke has made some impact on his cognitive processing...

So, at some point yesterday, uncle mentioned to me how his memory is not very good nowadays... and how he often forgets...

So I responded...

"My memory was also not very good recently. Sometimes I would be saying something and, all of a sudden, I would forget what I was saying. I would have to ask people what I was saying so that I could remember what I was doing and try to see whether we could figure out what I was trying to say."

Later I thought.... Thank God that I have been regaining my cognitive abilities including listening, reading, comprehending, writing and remembering. Thank God that these abilities are recoverable.

Although I don't know how exactly this uncle of mine feels, it must be really annoying and I hope he could find a way to help himself cope... and others alike.

The pursuit of happiness

Just found out that the last posting on this old dog marked the 1000th posting of this blog...

Interestingly, after all these times, I still have the feeling that Ratology Reloaded is still not the Ratology blog... one I took down as per recommendations of my voices right before I went into the hospital the very last February.

The beginning of Ratology Reloaded could be considered as, how should I put it, perhaps the bottom of my life so far.... in the sense that I was far more severely disabled both mentally and physically and I was feeling far more confused than now although it ain't like confusion is nothing in my department.

The recovery process hasn't been easy and it is nothing smooth....

Both mental and physical conditions have gotten better and worse during this time.

However, I suspect that one thing that might have changed since 1000 posting ago is my developing ability to let go...

Letting go doesn't mean giving up for me...

Letting go doesn't mean that I don't want no nothing no more....

Letting go, for me personally, means I am now feelin happy with simplicity as opposed to da yester-me.... who was never-ending-ly trying to expan my knowledge base.... psychology, technology, e-commerce, or measurement and evalution.... There was never enough.... and there doesn't seem to be an ease way to integrate what I have accumulated--- them knowledge in them different domains.

Sometimes I think maybe the fall was a message from God.... telling me that the never-ending expansion has to come to a halt, if not an end.... the insatiatible pursuit of knowledge....

The fall itself did not bring forth a drastic paradigm shift. It did grant me access to some more alternative contexs.

It is recently when I finally find myself to prefer and to feel comfortable to prefer simple commen sense over thoughts with too many layers of complexities.

It is living through this "pending" state of mine did I realise that I have made it relatively sane in pending.... In other words, I am capable of taking my health and life seriously.

The day I cut the check for the Department of Homeland Security....

I think...

How ironic....

Sort of like what they say... It is the worst time and it is the best time.

Whether it is the current state of neurotransmitters talking only or not...

Lessons learned so far.... in relatively good health... the simple pursuit of happiness...

Old dog

Despite of the blah blah blah about not wanting to use to much of my head trying to be like sophisticated people...

Can't help feeling happy about learning something new.... 8-O

Guess you really can't teach an old dog new tricks... 8-O lol

Excited

Looking for a class to take... since Stata has been something coming up fairly frequently nowadays...

Would love to find an evaluation class using stata....

And... God bless and please spare me at least enough cognitive capacity to read and write....

On fear

There has been this fear for the resurrection of the positive symptoms....

More specifically, the symptoms involving fear, harm and death...

I have been afraid of their combat in the past few months as the dosage of Seroquel kept on getting decreased and decreased.....

Then I thought.... so they say....

The biggest fear is the fear itself....

So I thought again....

What is the point of fearing for the fear? For, shall the fear comes.... deal with in dasein and beyond.

Sort of like, shall I be deemed to flip around involuntarily like a live fish on a cutting board for a few more nights, leave them dasein to dasein and in dasein. What is the point of worrying about the moments when it is here not?

Sounds simple but I guess it takes practice.... One thing I have learned so far through my useless existence of the past few months I guess... 8-O lol 8-X

Time and transfer

People have been laughing at my due diligence with the Mafia War....

It was the only one thing really that I could do when words made no sentences.

The only thing I could say is that... since there is nothing else I could really do, at least, by the time I grow out of the inconvenient state, I could say that I also live through the life as a peudo-gamer in Mafia War.

Now that I am finally getting my cognition, emotion and motivation back.... I am getting ready to move on making use of all these things that did not come by easy....

All that I want from Mafia War now is to get to the state of finishing all jobs, which is a state that really sucks as I have been told by higher level gamers, and to live through the process of getting it done...

Then, I came to the realisation that... it now takes twice the time to regenerate "energy" that is required to do "jobs" with which, experiences could be gained so as to level up.

Some of my Mafia members informed me that.... I am not alone and this is a known glitch in one version of the game....

Just as I was starting to get annoyed by the reduced energy regeneration rate and how it is slowing down my progression, I came to this realisation....

This is the process itself.... since not all of them 5 million players on facebook in Mafia War have the chance to see the function of time in--- how to I put it.... slow motion?

"How appropriate and opportune!"

As if this is the transferring of my tardy existence to da gaming self... (or hopefully...)

Recommendation

Earlier today, I did hear this voice in my head...

"You have to take it easy. Don't go down (on medications) anymore for now."

That's positive... yet...

What kinda voice? 8-O lol

Think: the difference

There is, though, a difference between choosing to not think or having no choice.

The fool

As I do my walk down the busy blocks on Broadway while letting the qi moving my body, there is usually nothing much upstairs....

I move and my body moves... and I happily move on being a fool... repeatedly listening in my head "Parsifal" at points...

I could think or I might be able to think...

Yet, it is a preferable state for me to be in... feeling only the movement of the body and no thinking....

At nights, I spend hours and at least one hour in my room--- turn on the TV and let the body move... There might be sensory stimuli coming through my eyes and ears.... However, in the similar state of mind, nothing really up there....

I don't know what I do still...

I have no idea what meditation means still...

Ain't no point trying to see the applicability of them namings no more.... since the state is the state and the phenomena are the phenomena themselves.

At times I do ponder....

Could my constantly become overdose by Seroquel have anything to do my daily prolonged state of willing being a fool?

Could the nothing-upstairs-ness have an impact on my neurological state of being? Or how could the dosages keep on going down and I keep on getting overdosed?

Then I performed some simple search.... finding the following link talking about spontaneous Qigong...

http://www.qigonginstitute.org/html/qigonghealth.php#SpontaneousQigong

Interesting paragraphs... reminding me of the violent shaking and gentle moves at their own given points...

At the same time, could them movements be considered as seizures by modern science since they take over the control as soon as I relax? 8-O

Can't be thinking to much there of though for da fool.... think more... potentials... delusional thoughts....

Where is the balance?

Perhaps, just be a fool

Tasks

Two things I will try to accomplish....

Write something up with Mafia War...

Start reading again about psychotics in pain....

Motivation level and cognitive speed seems to be stalled again despite the fact that I did take my vitamin B this morning.... 8-O

250 mg

I spent this summer so far trying to get the engine of my head to run... now it is finally starting to feel like the engine is warming up...

Hopefully, this dosage of 250 mg is going to do it...

Still could use some more speed and less blockage... hopefully it will come...

Multitasking

OMG.... I am multitasking.... although still do things serially like everyone else!!

OMG...

Simple

When chatting with my mama today, we talk about how many people are very complicated and sophisticated.

I think I am very simple.... sort of like durchfallen kinda simple... Partially has to do with this nothing much upstairs kind of state of mind.... 8-O lol

Then I said to my mom...

"I think I might have wanted to be very sophisticated or maybe wanting to be some kind of guru in something if not everything before (8-O lol)... as close as to the time right before the chair collapsed under me.... Perhaps it is a blessing in disguise because, after the fall, I couldn't even move my own butts... forget about complicatedness and sophistication... (although I won't really mind suing someone to get some quickbucks... 8-O lol oops...)

On a second thought...

I don't really remember what it was like to be me a bit more than 2 years and 2 months ago....

One thing I know is... as long as I have my basics covered including having the ability to read and write, to breath, to swallow, to not have really bad ear-rinin, as well as to have the choice to move or not to move.... and, of course, to make a simple living, I am happy--- (sounds sort of like I am asking a lot... just task analysis I guess...)

It seems to be easier to maintain a state of not sophisticated and not intellectual than vice versa.

Also seem to be easier to be happy this way.

Both mama and I agree... I don't want no men too much aspired to sophistication and intellectualisation... It would be better to find someone "simple-ly" happy.

Maybe this is some side effect of synaptic pruning.... 8-O lol

Abilities intact

As is evident in my ability to browse through texts to find the underlying mechanism of how drugs such as Seroquel could lead to seisures, my head is running...

The abilities to attend to texts, comprehend texts and to put words in sentences are all intact.

Nice to have the ability to do these simple things at my will.

Drugs and seizures

I was pondering about the mechanism behind drug-induced seizures.... except for most materials encountered address only the correlation between drugs and seizures. They do not talk about the "how."

Finally, I found in the following book "The Medical treatment of epilepsy" (1992) the passage: "The mechanism by which the antipsychotic agents affect the seizures threshold is unknown."

The only problem is that, the text is almost 20 years old and not quite sure whether there are breakthroughs in model building.... in addition to the dopamine model.

My sister's wisdom

Every so often, I think of these words of wisdom from my sister... something like...

"I know you want to be a pious daughter but it is very hard to be a pious daughter."

Meaning... idiot... just be a daughter because there is no need to give yourself such amount of extra work.

Moreover, the harder you try, the more it might be for you to feel that what you are tying to do is never good enough.

Can't help that vanity.

Perhaps, shall start learning the wisdon of 老子--- 無為而治--- you do not nothing... expect no nothing... and you complain about no nothing.... except for so isn't really my department... 8-O lol

Chicken lady 雞婆

Was trying to make some alternative weekend plan for my mom and this other lady who is only visiting briefly from Taiwan...

Since she spent most of the time hanging out with these two other Taiwanese women, I thought it might be a good idea to take her somewhere to hang with some American people especially when the weather is not really suitable for outdoor tour... 8-O lol

Then I got home, despite the fact that I have told her the plan for tonight, my mom had taken the rib out and wanted to grill them ribs for tonight.

That got onto my nerve...

Not only because it doesn't go along with my plan.

Rather, so I thought... what the hell am I doing trying to cover everyone elses' wants and needs when what I intend to do for them be not even appreciated especially when I can't even cover my own behind?

So I said, "It's me boring (無聊) and can't mind my own business (雞婆)-- running around like a dog chasing its own tail trying to do things for others' wants and plausible needs while people might not even want it or appreciate it."

My mom was not happy about hearing the word "boring" regardless what the content of discussion might be.

"What do you mean 無聊 (boring)?"

"Can't I even call myself boring?!" 8-O 8-X

On a second thought, ain't it so very presumptuous of me to assume or even to think that what I do might help meeting people's wants or needs? Presumptuous so it is.

So ends my reflection on one of the major flaws in my existence-- my chicken-lady or 雞婆 propensity.

(Ok... now that human part of self is out...)

Change or not?

"If I could go back in time and change my life, what would I change?" is the question....

Still I won't change a thing despite of all concurring conditions... other than maybe bring back with me the winning number of mega million to the younger version me so that I can be a philanthropist... 8-O lol , except for... not quite sure how the grandpa paradigm might play out...

Or, perhaps, not to apply for CPT until I graduated... even so...

It is because, until I stop kicking, my life is mine. All else could be gained and lost... Ain't no nothing can take your life away until the terminal goodbye.

Human cognition

Do the cognitive self and/or the emotional self ever exist shall they be simply the slave of them neurotransmitters??

Feeling Happy

I am feeling and I am happy... seizure or not... :-) :-D

Guess this is what they mean by mindfulness... living one dasein at a time since now ain't no myoclonic moments....

(This is the moment to really monitor myself-- in a swing state, I guess. And, never cease to amaze me how drugs targeting them neurotransmitters could have such an impact on the human existence. Thus, "who am I?" A pure function of neurochemical algorithms?)

Cherish

Even need to cherish the time when I decide to not use my head....

Choice

It's been a good day...

I can read since earlier this morning...

I have a choice to use my head or not.

Good luck with your pursuit

"Good luck with your pursuit."

So my voice said.

Not quite sure who it represents.

Fish on cutting board

It's been a while since this has been happening...

Every night after I take my medication and when I go to bed, I would have this involuntary movement in my body...

Essentially, all different parts of my body would go jerking around... the chest, the stomach and the legs... You can't help it and you feel parts of your body jumping around on your bed as if they don't belong to you... (speaking of neurological impairments). All that you could do is to pray to God that it will end soon or you could fall asleep soon so that you don't have to deal with it. At times, I even have this thought that... why don't I simply go and take a sleeping pill so that I will let the body deals with itself....

To envision what it looks like, envision yourself looking at a live fish pulled out of the water and on the cutting board... How it jerks around...

After a certain point, you just lay there quitely letting it happen and run through its course because there ain't no nothing you could do other than simply letting it do what it has to do... My mama, for instance, who sleeps in the same room has no idea at all...

Everyday I wish it to be the last night for it to happen.... since it would take time for the decreased dosage to take effect...

Yet, everynight is just another night... for da wishful thinking...

Last night, after I took 250mg of Seroquel as opposed to 300 mg, I went to bed and wishing that run-away-horse kind of experiences would not occur.

It did happen again. However, the intensity decreased drastically.

You would say that it might be self-fulfilling prophecy.

Even so, first night dosage down, the horror at bed time seems to have become less horrible.

Cognitive impairment and flat affect both are bad. Ain't so good either, nightly, being da fish on cutting board.

Shall you wonder why I am playing Russian Roulette with my meds.

(And, by the way, I do sometimes ponder whether what I am describing here is actually seizures or myoclonus induced by Seroquel.)

50 mg lower

50 mg more down on Seroquel... making it 250 mg in total that I am taking...

I woke up feeling my head not as stalled... `Feel like alive...

Scarry thing to think about... hopefully it wouldn't translate into my head overheating...

Got to work and realized that Mafia War calms me down...

Now feel sort of like more stable...

Gotta move on doing some more work...

Swing at walk

I have the habit nowadays to do my swinging activities when taking my walk...

This thought has occurred to me many a time...

Must be funny how it look.

So I thought today...

Anyways, not like I am pretending that I am so normal...

At the same time, simply consider it as if I have some neurological problems with uncontrollable body movement.

Pro-choice

Today seems to be the getting on my nerve day.... might have something to do with the weather... (OMG... Now I can feel a sense of flow in thinking...)

In any case, I was speaking with my mom about this head of mine that doesn't move to well...

Again, my mom threw out this famous statement of hers...

"Then don't use your head."

That really got on to my never because it showed that she really has no idea what I am talking about...

The differences between having no access and not wanting to access...

The problem is.. there is no choice.

So I thought... how can I make people understand what they can not understand?

Alternative hypothesis

Finished cutting a paper down to 1191 words...

It seems like getting all upset makes symptoms appear more and allow the head to move more too. 8-O

Still feel like the head wearing a steel helmet...

Moving head

Took a 30+ block walk because I settle down to finish my homework.

At this state, I am working on cutting down the number of words that I had typed out before head power going down south.

Task manageable and seize the time...

Dosage

Went to see my shrink earlier...

Asked to lower dosage...

After a long deliberation, it feels like I had bullied the doctor into agreeing for another 50 mg decrease in Seroquel... provided I agreed to switch to whatever meds he has in mind shall another 50 mg still make me feel all drugged out...

Vented out a lot of my frustration built up all these times.

Can't read... can't writing... can't function like this... inhuman to function like a walking zombie... everyday walking for the portal of cognition to open to take a bit of peep on what cognitive processing means... can't live as such my life...

Concern? A risk I am willing to take and have to take at the potential expense of my psychiatric condition. I fully appreciate the risk especially when knowing what the risks entail...

Feel bad that the shrink has to take it...

On a second thought, poor guy but that's why he is the psychiatrist... consider it projection or venting, period... oops...

Thought of what I heard yesterday in Criminal mind...

The forensic psychologist went to see his mother in the nut house. He asked the doctor to let him stay overnight on the couch with his mother. The mother said to the psychiatrist, "I will scratch you eyes off if you want to keep him longer." The doctor said nothing and left. The mother said, then, to the son something like, "The good thing when you are crazy." 8-O

Gotta go for another short walk trying to get the head move.

Don't know whether you could tell... flat and stall...

Reason

Just realised that I still have the ability to reason... sort of like having the ability to process the if-else statements...

Moving

My head seems to be moving better today... at least for now... I can type sentences the way I speak...

Sentences not too elegant... at least serve the purpose of typing....

Body all in pain and took a naproxen after I got to work... Felt better afterwards...

breathing

Other than the aches and pains and discomfort all over my body....

Been having this feeling that I am having some problem breathing and need to constantly take deep breathe...

Swing and storm

I was feeling really bad... and uncomfortable all over the places earlier in the evening...

It felt as if my whole body was burning from the inside...

The only thing I could do was to start doing my swinging exercise... (and if anyone wonder what I have to do to maintain my health... hours and hours of work... Pure physical work.... Why does it have to be this way? Sometimes I do ask... Like when seeing them seemly ordinary people walking up and down the block, "Why can't I be like them people, normal?)

Two hours later.... finally found a sense of relief... then, there came the storm and thunder... and much better...

Lord oh lord...

Didn't it get better?

Was talking to my mom about the annoying head...

Mama said... "Didn't it get better because you were doing some writing?"

So I replied... "It did get better except it got worse again."

How could it be like this? Again I have to ask... the drug keeps on decreasing but I keep on feeling even more over-drugged?!

Not feeling good

Not only do I feel lower on the cognitive processing side, which impacts my affect...

Now, even the body is starting to not feel good... really uncomfortable.... despite the fact that I did take a little walk after work.

Have to speak to my psychiatrist on Thursday about the dosage again since this really is not doing it.... 8-(

As per suggestion de my mama, we are talking another after dinner walk...

Lower

Today is a perfect day to wipe out a hard drive and reinstall everything...

Head power even more constrained than yesterday up to this hour...

Thank

Was thinking...

Although I have amounted to nothing so far in my life....

At least one thing I know at this point is that... amazing how I am still relatively sane despite the lack of cognitive capacity...

Gotta be thankful...

Tighter again

The head felt tighter again today.

Can't understand why it fluctuate this way.

Scaling

I got an extension for two policy analyses that was supposed to be due two weeks ago because I was stuck without the ability to think...

Although the condition has been going up and down, my cognition finally grants me some access to it since about 3 days ago.

Would have loved to do an excellent job.

In this condition, I could only hope that I could continue to function at least the way I have been so that, despite the remaining constraints, I could come up with at least good-enough work.

Sort of sad, I guess. Yet, deal with it.

Pro-Choice

Most of my thoughts seem really meaningless to me especially in the face of life and death as well as the knowing that there are so many people out there struggling to live--- though I won't really say that there ain't no struggling thing in my department.

So I thought...

If I have a choice-- a choice allow me to decide whether to invest all my delusional moments into love or fear, I would choose love.

Of course, such is a non-sensical thought since there ain't no nothing called choosing or customise your own delusions even if a consumer society as such. 8-O lol sigh

Delusions resurrected

All of a sudden, working on the "reasonableness test" as opposed to the "probable cause" standard, I am overcome with this warm, fuzzy and loving feeling...

OMG... Spring is in the air and summer is right here... speaking of the feeling of the feeling of being in love is a state of neurochemical imbalance... 8-O lol

Man... oh... man... so me other kind da delusions... at least it is nothing fearful... 8-O lol 8-X

Then, like ships passing in the sea... so away it went...

searches and seizures

Trying to write up some paragraphs about searches and seizures...

Unfortunately, my head today seems to be ceasing certain part of my cognition for useless random thoughts as have been posted so far.

Dumb and dumber

I have to say that, in my past night, I had tried really hard to be... how do you put it... not dumb?

This came up in the discussion when I took my mama for a brunch with an old friend of mine with me coming up with this conclusion...

The older I get... I am simply getting dumb and dumber-- and, as long as the head could move, I am pretty settled about being dumb.

Thank God there are experts everywhere so that all that I need is some common sense and a relatively good heart....

Don't need nobody wanting to be smart either because, if one wants to be smart, one could never feel happy about whether they are smart enough.

(However, I do need my head to move better than this...)

What I want

Time to recheck what I want in life...

A steady job that pays for my room and board as well as medical bills... enough left to take my parents for vacation, budget or not.

A body and head that works.

A husband to settle down maybe?

Hurting

There is this feeling right in the middle of my chest which is being interpreted as the feeling of hurting on the inside although I don't understand why.

I want to stop the hurting on the inside because it doesn't feel nice to have that hurting kind of feeling.

Please don't mind me for nothing trying to figure out the why because there is no telling whether it is a manifestion of depression or da "embodied" hallucinations. Too much interpretation could lead to delusion.

And, God, this is the same writing style I use to do them school policy analyses.

At least sounds like sentences.

Slower

Head back to running slower...

However, I can still read...

appearance

This thought comes recently... appearance will fade... believe it or not...

And, at least, for me myself... I seem to have been cuter--- the younger version of me... although that version of me also seems to have the propensity to kill myself over things that aren't mine.

Cows

Mama likes to drink milk and makes me drink a lot of milk, too.

I seriously have been thinking about getting a cow and, perhaps, a California cow since they say happy cows come from California so that I could get milk and make cheese.

Evil and nice

Someone came into the office yesterday when I was busy counting pages... me specifically... busy trying to remember the numbers so that I didn't have to do recounts again on the same pages I had processed...

Ended up, that nice looking gentleman thought I "looked evil." 8-O oops... here comes the true color...

So I have reiterated so many times before... the closest I am to being an angel is called an angle in disguise... or, perhaps I am just being what they say the New Yorkers are... tough on the outside... (good excuse) 8-O lol

Then, earlier this evening, my mama talked to me about how it actually is very nice for me to show this lady that I came around the other day at work...

Well, regardless how evil I might be and although it is not really my intention to be nice since, both fortunately and unfortunately, my head is not really in trying to make myself seem nice (oops), it actually is very nice to do people nice most of the times... because, when I think of how nice people have been to me regardless whether I am a stranger or not...

So, to my mama I replied...

"The good thing about being nice to people is that... It is not necessary that they have to be nice back to you... One day, they will be nice to someone else simply because they thought of how you were to them... nice... Isn't that nice?!"

Positive

The interesting thing about life is that nothing could ever be perfect...

Just when I thought to myself... man... finally I have the thing called thoughts...

Things positive start to come back... sort of like that thing I heard...

"Don't go out..." with multiple benign reasons... including one version as "you have extended your capacity."

So I thought... when did you become my mom-- always wanting to tell me what to do? 8-O lol oops...

On a second thought... isn't that what the positive symptoms are supposed to do anyways? 8-O lol

Confused

I am very confused...

I just finished reading up some stuffs concerning hazing and typed out some sentences relating to the issue of hazing....

This ain't making sense... in the back of my head so I thought...

It is as if yesterday or the day before never existed.... 8-O

Not making sense...

Like normal

I don't know what happened overnight...

Now there is no more excuses.... for me feel pretty normal..... my kind of normal... 8-O

How could it be? It ain't making sense at all... This is not how adjustment normally progress.... 8-O

So I go back to analyse the policy of that "Bong Hit 4 Jesus" school.... and I thought... where have you been all these times in my life?

Thinking... thoughts...

After walk

Just got back from a brief walk....

As evident by my last postings, I was sensing overflowing energy and budding anxiety...

After walk, seems to calm down much...

Strange thing called exercising...

Lift you up and calm you down...

Season's changed

I don't know what happened...

Yet, all of a sudden, I am feeling the impact of the dosage going down.... as evident in the posting about What I can't stand....

I have done nothing different today...

Could it be them thousands pieces of paper that I had to count?

Or could it be da Margarita?

Gotta adjust to it... Yet, to be honest, better this way....

Thanks God...

What I can't stand

What I really can not stand is when people do not keep their words....

It is not as if I am never guilty of it... However, if it involves only me and I could keep my words, I will do it... (speaking of which I was supposed to have called up this friend of mine back two nights ago...)

It, especially, drives me crazy when people feel they could change their mind about plans while I have to be the middleman...

For instance, mama kept on telling this lady about going to the park for a picnic for all these days...

All of a sudden, this morning she seemed to have a change of mind and wanted me to tell the lady that maybe we would simply do a walk around the park.... and maybe we should go hang out with this other friend instead...

That got me annoyed... so I told her... you can't just cancel someone out like that?! That is purely awful...

So I had to contact this lady and told her that maybe we would just do a walk around the park...

Then I got home and my mom talked about the picnic again...

So I her told... Stop changing like that... I had to contact the other person about your wanting to change the plan and now you decided all in your own mind to have the plan changed again...

Keep your word or stop it, period. It gets me annoyed having to be the middleman this way and such I can't stand....

Ain't no nothing

Mama was talking about what is to happen with me in terms of my prospective to stay in NYC.

The good thing about the state I am in, I guess, is that... ain't no nothing so grand and so big...

To survive in one piece... gotta learn to see that ain't no nothing so big...

Then, I thought of the concept of losing it...

Ain't no chance for me to lose no nothing...

What could you possibly lose when you ain't got no nothing... not even them marbles? 8-O lol

Guess this is what makes me lucky.... anything out of nothing makes it an extra... thus, I have been granted much (especially now I feel my thinking 8-O)

Then, again, I thought of what that guy in Time Traveller's Wife said about the possibility of travelling in time...

What would it be like if that 25-year-old me have the chance to encounter this me today?

Again, the same question, would I change a thing at all?

So I "thought"... in agreement with that Bana guy... what fun would it be to know the future? In addition, grandpa's paradigm... ain't no nothing gonna change at all... possibly...

In addition, all the fights for prizes and desires-- invisible cities, all these times, what good have they done for me lately?

On a second thought... oops... perhaps I am going crazy... 8-O

Guess this is why life is a zero sum game... you win something.... you lose something... and vice versa... Sort of like what I could not run away from before is unnecessary complicity, as evident by my dissertation. What I have been granted if not stuck at nowadays is... on the contrary... simplicity... nothing up there... all is complex and all is simple...

And, perhaps, life is like quick sand... the harder you try to hold on... the faster you lose... 8-O

(took over an hour to put all sentences together... wonder whether it sounds like the city of desire?)

Adjustment

Strange as it might sound... sometimes it amazes me that I am so very well-adjusted..... 8-O lol

On a second thought... what does it mean?

Psychic at DHS

The way my head works nowadays lead me to think...

The guy who evaluate my green card application at the DHS must be a psychic...

The United States of American doesn't really need no nothing like this...

On the other hand, isn't it of the Prozac national interest to see coping in progress? 8-O lol 8-X

Unless the US doesn't like people with issues in life according to DHS? 8-O lol

You see.. reality sucks sometimes but it will get better.

Verbal v. Visual

When meeting with my counsellor today and when my head was working better, I told him that it seems like the impairment is worse when the tasks involve reading and writing.

Although sometimes the sentences would come out not like complete sentences, I mostly could still communicate verbally.

As an attempt to find ways to adapt, I decided to tell my mama the stories about them case laws as an attempt to use verbal dialogue to help me think...

Mama told me... "What about you talk to me about what you thinks and I help you write it down?"

I replied... "Extra work in translation...." 8-O lol

Then I thought...

Interesting... dual channel theory... verbal v. visual... the theory behind my dissertation...

Lowing more?

Was thinking whether anyone would wonder...

If I think most of my grief about my cognitive problem has to do with too much Seroquel, why don't I ask to have the dosage lowered again?

So is the problem concerning with dosage decrease....

You see, when the dosage has to go up, all that you care about is to have the dosage go all the way up till the symptoms are controlled...

The process involved with lowering the dosage is far more tricky... because, if not careful, you might turn yourself the other way....

Walking on think ice... usually....

Leveling down

The cognitive processing capacity is leveling down again...

At least, what I have been granted in the last hour or so has allowed me to find the school policy for Juneau-Douglas High School where the "Bong Hit 4 Jesus" incident occurred and set up an outline for this policy.

Again, I am back to facing the problem of being unable to read more the a few words at a time (<7).

High

Walked over 100 Manhattan blocks today... At around 90 blocks, I started feeling happy and energetic.... towards the end of my walk, I started feeling happy and high.... on endorphins I guess...

Almost an hour after my walk, I still feel like "myself."

Gotta cherish the opportunities to use the cognition I am granted and hastily go to some work.

Less tight

Head seems to be less tight now.

Could do reading except for I can't find no school policies addressing the issue of freedom of speech... 8-O

Stall

Still again... my head...

Flat...

Interesting how the body resets its own neurochemicals.... Feels as if sugar high and crash...

Stall again

My head is running slower and slower again...

The exercise effect is wearing out or has worn out...

Walk

Took a really brisk walk... as per direction of my body... this morning...

Amazing grace... it absolutely jumped the engine of my head and I was even able to read earlier...

Was unable to think and read the whole day yesterday which got me really upset.

Will try to see whether the effect will crash... which happened last Thursday...

Will also see whether I will be able to do thinking related task now... when you have it... use it... cease the time!

Single processing

Just realised that now I am only left with the ability to perform single processing.

Cognition seems to stall when tasks involve complexities (more than one process).

Not quite sure whether I have felt more stupid for an extended amount of time like this round.

Mad

I don't know how it is for people with learning disabilities...

Having to deal with my kind of LD... It makes me feel really mad at times because the head just can't do it.

It is not a nice feeling.

Limited processing power

I found a way to help me read words... using my figure to point on each every words.

It is still difficult to read but at least it helps me to move from words to words.

Auditory signals from the environment seems to take precedence in the processing. Sounds in the environment makes it even more difficult to attend to words.

Jealous

Can't read texts pass a few words without the emerging tension kinda headache. Then the eyes start to focus on above the screen... or unfocus on texts...

Gotta say... jealous of them people who could do it.

Irony

Another day on 300 mg... lowered dosage....

The head should be moving better and the risk for psychotic symptoms should be direr...

Yet... the head doesn't move...

How would it be.... dosage keeps on getting lower and I keep on getting more and more overdosed? Can't keep up... including to cope....

Good thing I feel overdosed... means condition getting better...

The problem... head doesn't work... can't read... can't write... concrete in my head... especially not making sense... decreased symptoms during high stress state... 8-O 8-X

How could it be possible?

Reading

Can't believe it... at around 3, I am still having problem comprehending texts such as the following...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fourteenth_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution

Kiss and make up

This guy on Mafia War put me on hitlist and got me snuffed...

I figured...

I must have beaten him up pretty bad in Cuba...

So I sent him a friend-request through facebook and got a message immediate from him on my wall...

"Okay, now let's go whack them other guys."

The simplicity of life as a Mafia.... you don't even need to kiss and make up.... 8-O lol

Da mouth

Something strange happened today when I went hanging out...

The topic of my drinking hot water came up and, although knowing people were joking around, these words came so very smoothly out of my mouth...

".... I will take my business somewhere else..." 8-O (sounding as if I am bringing any business... oops...)

So I thought...

Cognitive overload induced channel leaking...

Just when I was feeling a bit sorry about how them things out from da mouth might not sound so nice....

I came to realize... so I have reiterated so many times...

I never promise you a rose garden.... and as has been so very eloquently put before... the closest I could get to be angelic is "an angle in disguise"... 8-O lol oops...

At the same time, this thought occurs to me... this kinda weather... seems like maybe I shall lock myself up at home.... safer this way... 8-X

Ship passing in the sea

Thank God...

Da delusional grade of fear came up and past.... like da ship passing in the sea...

Please let it pass.... 8-O 8-X

Concurrent

Them Supreme Court judges seem to like to do the current or dissent kinda things, which makes me very confused at times...

Just now... that head of mine, which is finally getting itself to do reasoning kind of stuff also gave a different currently ruling...

Out of nowhere... this fear came into my mind... the same kind of fear that I have spoke before so many a time...

The same kind of fear my shrink asked me whether had returned when I went to see him on Thursday...

Then... I sat here looking for the laws concerning how child pornography is not protected by the First Amendment http://bit.ly/20vK8W...

Da fear resurfacing...

So I thought to my head...

Yes and true, it is your First Amendment right for the freedom of speech and for expressions... isn't it also my right to be free of fear... period? Unless to be free of fear is not a right... rather a privilege? (Although I don't think the First Amendment would have anything to do with an alien like me... 8-O lol 8-X)

Tinker case

Reasoning

After I finished writing the last paragraph in my homework, I realized that I have gained something new today... the ability to reason...

What I mean is that...

What I have been able to do up to yesterday is to rearrange and paraphrase statements, including facts, made by other people... (speaking of the conventional Chinese wisdom of the 天下文章一大抄 phenomena 8-O lol oops)

However, today, I am able to produce sentences like the following:

"The following policies are in accordance with the criteria set forth by the Tinker Test. Vandalism and disruptive use of the network could result in disruptions in the school operations. Vandalism and the attempt for unauthorized login to other people’s account could be considered as an invasion to others' right."

Gotta say though... I am not quite sure how sound the reasoning might or whether my interpretation is correct or not.... Guess this has more to do with the comprehension of the content rather than the cognitive processing itself...

In other words, it just occurred to me that what I have been taking notes about is the processing itself-- sort of independent of the contents.... although perhaps I am the only person on this planet who didn't know it.... 8-O 8-X

Head moving

At this hour and today, I am finally capable of putting in writing thoughts that seem flowing...

I have been pondering about da gaming thought but simply did not have enough to put the loose thoughts in the back of my head into thoughts I could operate on.

Improvements do not come by easy... Let me get back to use the part of head that I have been elegantly granted for now.

Gaming

In between my doing the homework thing, I check back to Mafia War... finding myself short on pesos in Cuba to buy me da 1800 pesos jeep to capture an army post...

Da doe ain't come easy on the streets in Cuba...

So I found myself thinking...

"Gotta find someone rich to attack to get my pesos..." 8-O lol 8-X

The funny thing is... when attacking people in New York, usually, I attack each person only one time since the payoff of jobs is much higher...

However, since Pesos are harder to come by, I find myself become a ruthless attacker on the street in Cuba with this strange mentality developing-- like what one other player said before, "I don't have respect for people who do not bank their money."

Alas... all else I have accomplished not through them thoughtless days and nights...

One thing I could say to myself now is that... at least, about five years after, now I am back to gaming, which would make it more legit for me to speak of the educational implications of computer games... 8-O lol 8-X

And, speaking of violence and violent games...

Nice thing

I met this lady who is new in town for a month today and invited her home for dinner.

Mama cooked and we ate.

We took a walk out with our new lady friend.

Back home, so thought mama and I... nice to be able do someone something nice despite the fact that I might be like a b-from-hell.

Especially when people are nice.

Runaway bride

Watched the movie "Runaway Bride" with my mama as our Saturday night entertainment...

It could have been me... could it? Especially when I have no idea what I am.

So I thought... 8-O lol

Fear

Sometimes I think many of the delusions I have might be the representation of issues I am not yet capable of processing... including things such as fear for death or tramatic kinda stuffs from the past.. etc...

What could I do about it?

Tired

I started getting tired at around 3:00 o'clock today.

The head started to move a bit earlier... but feel more tired earlier when comparing to yesterday.

Gotta say though there are improvements that I observed earlier...

Now I am capable of composing sentences if not ideas based on what I have read.

Obscene

Now I am capable of reading up text contents and try to understand longer texts with the topic I am reading being... obscenity, which is not protected by the First Amendment.

I can even try to explain to my friend the differences between nudity and obscenity... such as my dear David...

Paraphrase

At this hour, I am capable of reading through sentences. I am also capable of paraphrasing the sentences I read.

Camera

There were this reporter and camera lady who were here earlier today...

It is very interesting because it looks like what they show on TV...

Lack of motivation?

A question I have...

How do you motivate yourself when you know you are having difficulties to get yourself motivated?

Find one thing that you could do and keep doing it... I guess...

Like this note... at least I can type them words down...

Lighter

Was trying to do some reading and writing....

Yet, after I read about a line of text, I started feeling it gets all tightened at the top of my head and my forehead as well.

It feels very uncomfortable and it is difficult to move on reading more words.

Mood is more elevated now through still more on the flat side.

In addition, I could start feeling this thing that you might call motivation budding a little...

As a general, the whole body feels a bit lighter.

Back down

The energy level started to crash down about 5:00.

After five, I started to feel tired...

Not too much thought at this point... through there still the sense of flow in my thinking...

Can't tell you why...

Though... thank God... it is not as if my head is going all the way to the other side... 8-O 8-X

private blog

Was thinking...

All these little notes I have been written down for myself... should have placed them in my private blog...

On a second thought, who gives a rat's ass about what I have to say...

Ain't no difference... privat or not... 8-O lol

How

As I am plowing away with them reading and summarization...

So I thought...

How could it take so much work to get to do something so... seemly... simple?

I can't understand...

Ok shall no one else understand... since if I don't even understand, how can I ask people to understand?

At the same time...

So I think...

The ability to think is a privilege... not a right... perhaps?

Motivation

I am back to reading about laws concerning education.

I was actually capable of telling my boss about the litigation history of COPA...

Motivation level is back up and I am plowing away reading... so as to finish my analyses for school policy.

The scary thing is... I seem to be more on the high side... with the potential for overflowing thoughts and energy... 8-X

3:00 PM Update

Wow... my head is working...

Now I could start do some reading and writing...

Implications

Since now my head is moving a bit, maybe what I should do now is to figure out how to go about trying to use my head in the face of the constraints.

tight head

The head is moving now...

Affect is less flat and I could engage in conversation more or less like a person.

However, when trying to read, after a few words, it would feel like the top of my head is all tightened up and causing a sensation sort of like tension headache.

Stall

When attempting to read, it feels as if the brain tightens and causes tension when attempting to read.... or simply staring at a word document filled with words makes me feel cognitive overloaded.

Affect is flat... or more on the low side...

Make me succinct I guess..

Office for Windows

Was thinking about this incidence that took place this afternoon.

Someone came looking for "older version of office for windows."

I first got the office part...

Then, I heard Windows....

So... I reached for Windows Xp.... already forgotten the beginning part of it.... and what the guy really wants... Office.

This took place... about 10 hours ago.... when sentences... I could not yet compose...

Cognition

I just sent out an email in writing.

Almost 10 PM now and finally I could compose sentences and start to sense the thing called flow in my writing if not thinking...

Regarding analytical ability... I am not sure whether such has been granted to me yet until I go back after this posting to analyze some policy statements for public schools using the lens of law...

So many things in life... I have no control over... including accessing my cognition at my own will...

Time... something I have not and the only thing I have...

The only thing I could do now is to wait till the time comes.

In the meaning while, gonna go back to do some more work that is supposed to be due today.... while I have cognition.

At the same time, the one thing I am concerned of... in addition to many others... the possibility for the symptoms to intensify....

So I think... cognitive capacity is like water.... which could either carry a boat or sink a boat... How do you know which way it might go and what could you do about it?

Nice to feel that I am writing in sentences than putting words together in sequence...

A lesson I relearn... cherish what you have while you could.... because, once it is gone, chances are... it takes work to recover what is once lost.... if recoverable...

ideas

OMG... now I am able to read sentences and modify them.

I am very happy and... mark this... be able to feel I am feeling happy, too...

Wow...

Big progress...

Moving

Wow... now I could read and take notes... can't compose ideas quite yet still...

At least some progress...

Comprehension

Third day into 300 mg, I feel more lightened up today although still flat in general...

I tried to read this thing about Fair Use and try to summarize it... However, after sucessfully finished reading the first paragraph, the head started feeling tight and when I try to read more words, the head hurts.

"One of the rights accorded to the owner of copyright is the right to reproduce or to authorize others to reproduce the work in copies or phonorecords. This right is subject to certain limitations found in sections 107 through 118 of the copyright law (title 17, U. S. Code). One of the more important limitations is the doctrine of “fair use.” The doctrine of fair use has developed through a substantial number of court decisions over the years and has been codified in section 107 of the copyright law." Link

It feels as if the processing of the first paragraph took over all memories and the new things have trouble entering my head.

I try to release the above paragraph so that I could input new info. However, I am not sure how to do it.

Closing my eyes did not work...

Shifting my attention by looking at somewhere else also did not work...

Unless my head needs a reboot? 8-O lol 8-X

Also feels sort of like I am back to learning to read and write in English...

Neurotransmitters and words

I don't know what my neurotransmitters are doing nowadays...

I figure they are having a field day... lining up trying to cross the synapses like triathletes swimming their miles... wishing to reach the end... Unfortunately, still too many of the receptors are blocked.

So they call them.. L-dopa...

My head was sort of starting to run later in the day... but the adjustment of the meds make me feel tired...

So after my daily swinging exercise, I sat down trying to type...

I was able to type a few words if not sentences.... and I was tired...

Mama told me not to kill myself over the homework.

I said I have to finish what I have started.

I tried to get back to type...

Then, I know I have to listen to my body and I went ahead to take my daily drug.

Before I go to bed, I decided these few words to type...

Since there are nothing too much going on and this is not how I would like my life to go and this is not the reason why I stay in America, I might as well type out some sentences for the day.... for the sake of documenting for myself how I am cognitive constipated and how I eventually would come out being this grade of cognitively constipated.

As I type, so I think...

OMG... Don't how these words might sound to the others... block block block... ain't no flow... block block block...

How funny them tiny neurotransmitters my head block block block...

Half/half life

They said that the half life of Seroquel is 6 hours....

Now the head is much lighter and it feels as if I could think...

The flat affect thing is less severe...

I can even read through paragraphs like the following...

According to CIPA, schools must adopt and implement an internet safety policy to address issues such as: a) inappropriate use of the internet; b) the safety and security of minors using emails, chat rooms and other communication methods; c) hacking or other illegal activities; d) unauthorized trafficking of personal information for minors, e) measures designed to restrict minors’ access to materials that might be harmful to minors. More importantly, it is the schools’ discretion to determine what is “appropriate” for the minors.

OMG... There is hope in life... I might be able to finally restart doing some work tonight...

First day 300

Affect mostly flat...

Still feel heavy...

Head feels not as tight...

Get a headache when trying to use my head such as reading...

Listen to mama... take care of your health first... can't use your head... don't use your head...

cognitive constipation

Although the dosage of Seroquel has gone down by 50 mg since last week again, I have been finding myself to become more and more drugged out.

As of last week, my comprehension was still intact and I was still able to work on the academic kinda writing... at least the art of summarization.

These past few days, though, I am finding my head to turn slower and slower... so slow that it feels as some part of my head is not moving at all.

So, today, during the day time, I tried again to work on this homework assignment involving the analysis of school policies based on case laws.

At some point, I came to realise that... forget about writing.... even when simply reading a sentence, by the time I get to the end of a sentence, I have already forgotten the beginning...

In other words, it feels as if although my ability to attend is still intact, there is something wrong with the central executive... where information is held and processed.

I also found myself staring at sentences at times... The words were perceived as words themselves. I tried hard to "comprehend"; yet, it feels like there is concrete inside of my head... The head is tight and I simply can't mobilise it.

This is why I decided to call my shrink and requested to have the dosage go down another 50 mg.

It is not as if I am all for dosage reduction without any reservation.

I am actually afraid of dosage adjustments due to the plausible increase in psychotic symptoms.

Unfortunately, I can not lead a life like a walking zombie.

This is why... after I spoke with my shrink today, we decided to go down by another 50 mg on Seroquel.

Hopefully, soon the thoughts could start to stall less and eventually to flow.

About time for my meds... now is the time, the best, the thoughts "flow".

It is ok if you don't understand. I don't either.

So it is... the manifestation of cognitive constipation.

The drug

Was thinking to myself...

Sorry to say this but the dosage has to come down because this is not functioning.... This ain't no way to function.... 8-X

Words

It is pretty annoying that my head is running slower and slower day by day despite of the fact that we have tried to cut down the dosage of seroquel by another 50 mg.

Every day, I try and try to work on these homework which requires me to analyse school policies based on educational laws.

I am able to read.... in other words, I could comprehend.

I am capable of finding relevant laws for specific parts of the policy statements--- seems like my ability to draw references is still there..

However, I have been staring at the outline for all these days because writing is difficult... more or less like... generative thinking is turned off.... It is difficult to put things into words...

Don't know how else to explain or describe it to you... except for, even more limited, my words...

Will get back to trying one more night....

Boyfriend

Last night when I was hanging out, we saw this young couple making out at the bar...

At some point so I was told something like...

"You haven't done it for a long time, have you?"

Funny enough... that comment reminded me of the crazy night when, after my Arizona dream proposed and we went to the same bar....

Today I took mama to Flushing. Instead of taking the subway back, we took a bus to La Guadia to catch M60.

We got off at the Northwest and Delta wing....

So I told my mama with something like...

"I used to take Northwest and this was used to be where I pick up my last jackass..."

"It's been almost 4-5 years." So commented my mama.

"Ya, it's been almost 4-5 years and I don't know why I simply can't find no boy friend since." So I responded.

"It would be nice if you could find a boyfriend and go out with him-- instead of going out with me." So added mama later.

So I thought...

"It would be nice if I have a boyfriend and we all go out together like today to Flushing." (Buy one get one free I guess... 8-O lol)

Then I thought of this boyfriend thing again a bit later... and I thought about them days of turmoils when loving someone to death and waiting them to love me in return.... Unfortunately, this kind of bidding is as good as playing da slot machines....

So I thought...

Perhaps mama was right... perhaps... it is better to be loved than to love.

(And, as I am typing these sentences out... so I thought... 50 mg down... stuck with me still... cognitive constipation.... 8-O 8-X)

A wife at home

Just when I was thinking about my "no income"-- rather than "low income" yesterday, I got some free food from a function at the school...

"Perfect... since I got a wife to be fed at home--- my daddy's wife..." 8-O lol

Engine

Sitting here in front of my computer trying to get done with some homework involving the education laws...

"Great."

So I thought to myself...

"Even though now the dosage is down by 50 mg, with the 350 mg, the engine of my head still doesn't turn..."

Man... oh... man...

So I switch back to Mafia War...