Scary

If there is one person I am most afraid of on this planet to me at this point...  guess who?

Yet, it would be me myself.  8-O lol

So, I let myself be a drama queen and whine and whined and whined... reminiscene about the times past while the time is, no doubt, always passing by.

It was either Saturday night and Sunday morning... when that drama queen part of me intents to come out and become, I guess, the daily queen... 8-O

OMG... The pending departure in less than a month if ain't no nothing happens... above and beyond all the other blah blah blah....

Sad... hurt... depressed... and so on, so forth...

Finally, I really was not about to entertain it any more...

So to myself I said... something like...

"If you can't enjoy the remaining time in New York and consider it a chance to live your life in New York, you don't deserve to stay and I am gonna go and book the cheapest flight tomorrow to shuffle your sorry behind right off this continent since you can be sorry anywhere.  Stop it already." 8-O 8-X lol

It is not like I won't allow myself to feel bad etc.  That would be counter productive.

It is more like... it doesn't make sense for me to make myself feel more miserable or worst off than the appropriate quota... If I were to over do it, I am simply entrapping myself in unnecessary misery and I won't even get any sympathy, empathy, and whatever-athy--- except for apathy--- from myself for such stupidity. 8

More importantly, have I done everything I could do and have I been responsible for myself?  I think so....

Not to mention, ok, not to discount your predicament, but... there are plenty of people who are worst off.

I must have gotten myself really scared and da drama queen stopped.

Then, when melancholy comes to visit, I still welcome it and entertain it since it is entitled to its place.  When I think I get it entertain well enough, with due respect, I say...

"Come again if you want but right now I've got to say bye bye."

Intuitively, this would be the most logical solution... 8-O lol

Whether I am really doing what I think I am trying to do is another issue...

Making no money

This issue of my not making any money keeps popping up recently... might have something to do with I really am not making any money especially when I don't even know what the decision of department of homeland security might entail.

Expectations I set for now is setting no expectations at all.

So... this guy's comment hit the optimal point tonight...

"How would you have a doctoral degree but not make any money."

In addition, this other comment from this other guy I bumped into when I was coughing my lungs out for no good reason (well, smoking related perhaps...)

"You still haven't got a green card? How can you make it in New York?"

One thing I could say is that...

Men are good at hitting the spot... 8-O lol

And... so they say about network security... the network is only as strong as the weakest link...

Ouch... 8-O lol

The only thing I could say to myself is that...

Damn right... I got a doctoral degree and I am making no money.

Yet, I have no debt at all and I have been making it on my own since years ago. (You feel da reaction there.... 8-O lol)

Not quite bad, I guess, for some bump with no income at all... looking at the bright side... 8-O lol

In addition, at least I still have a job so that there ain't no gap in my professional life... 8-O lol

What could I say? Ain't nobody put me into this state...

And... live your life... as Grandma said... 8-O 8-X lol

鄉愿 disorder

An alternative hypothesis to the Can't mind my own business disorder or etiology is 鄉愿 disorder--- as per 孔子 in 論語陽貨13 "鄉愿，德之賊也."

Essentially, you try to make everybody like you indiscriminately. (Sort of like being fake and phony? Not quite sure how you translate it.)

An example would be...

Yesterday afternoon, I tried to walk down the stairs to the subway. Stairs are especially difficult for me and, after each step or two, I had to stop to recoperate before moving forward. Thus, it took me a long time to finally get to the station.

After arriving at the station, I tried to walk towards the direction of the first few cars. This was when yours disabled psychotic came across these two young kids....

They gave me this funny look and one of the woman said something like...

"Finally get here." Sounding sarcastic.

The other one added something like, "Because the night is still young."

Well, at this stage of my life, I am allowing myself to react so that I can move on to forget.

Thoughts ran through...

Ignorant people making fun of the plight of people with disability.

Live your life since I did complain to friends about how them people on wheelchair made the bus trip so much longer and that was the reason why I was late for the lunch.... 1-2 months right before the accident that shook me to a total disability state of being.

Sort of like what they said on TV... Life comes back at you fast. 8-O lol oops...

Regardless...

Think about it...

Two sentences I overheard from two strangers I walked past by in the subway station.

All the wing flipping....

The core of my problem... 鄉愿 而已.

Thought I was working on that?

Talk is cheap.

Second chance

One thing I have been pondering about is the concept of Second chance...

Many people significant to me were really dead in my life in the direst moments of my delusional state.

Their death were as real as any other death in sane people's world.

They were dead and miraculously they are now still alive.

Second chances are hard to come by especially in the reign of life and death.

I have been given a second chance and maybe this is the reason why I ain't wasting no opportunity to do things for them if I could...

Think about it and imagine this... what are you left with if you are the only one alive?

Ya... like what grandma said... live your life...

The utility of everyday thing... I guess...

I am crazy? No doubt... I am certified crazy... 8-O lol sigh

Grandma's words of wisdom

My girlfriend spoke of how she and her sister used to laugh at grandma because of the strange sounds she makes when standing up or sitting down...

"Why do you make the noise?" Asked the young and curious mind.

"Live your life." So grandma replied.

Today, some people might get not nice when she couldn't move to fast...

So my girlfriend had me told and so she said to them young guns bullet around or blocking her access to the rail...

"Live your life."

So I thought...

Ignorance is a bless... and God bless.... 8-O lol oops

However, a hearty recommendation I gave to people... which might be sort of difficult for them to take at times... due to circumstances... from a career-less lost soul in limbo...

Take care of your health because there ain't no nothing greater you can really pursuit without health....

And, if you don't understand it and you don't wanna take it, that is OK... we eventually would all come to this state of understanding at our own time...

Like... up to mid-day June 19th, 2007.... I would have said... "What the hell are you talking about? I will will myself out of anything and pursuit a grand career with all my might... and I will get it done at all cost." 8-O lol oops...

Today... one country... two governments... or maybe three... I would rather to have learned this lesson later than sooner.... and, then, you would understand why ignorance is a real bless... 8-O lol sigh