Niceness disease: Regarding others

As, somehow, I am coming out from the Niceness disease, these past year or two, I observed an increasing propensity for me to "involuntarily" speak out directly what I see, what I think and my ensuing reaction as the truth.

It also feels as if I have gotten into far more conflicts with people than I have in my entire life within such a short time frame.

This is why, at times, I thought to myself... maybe I should lock myself up till the phase past otherwise I would have had no friends left at the end... (speaking of voluntary institutionalization... 8-O lol ouch)

Amazingly, I found that a lot of people love me as I am and accept me as I am... whoever I am.

Back to da auditory form of verbal diarrhea, once I let it out to someone, it feels as if the pressure is released... leaving me only having to deal with the internal consequences.

There were times when I tried to keep it in... These were times when the upset would circle around in my mind... simply wouldn't and couldn't stop... even after a substantiative amount of time-out... It takes the verbal telling to let it go.

Such 口無遮攔 behavior at the extreme form... is more than having a big bad mouth.  So I have pondered... somewhat compulsive grade...

Of course, such might be the doing of dosage adjustment... a seemingly eternal process of upping and downing....

Such might be the doing of the psychotic symptoms whichever symptom it might be...

Such could also have to do with the sense of bodily discomfort... physical aches and pains as well as what I perceive as the flowing of qi...

At points I do wonder... perhaps, one of the reason why I could excape my psychosis not might have to do with the MO that I did not want to speak the bloody truths and I tried to pretend that I could simply let things go.

Well, in a perfect scenario, we all could simply take things in and let it out... like some people's superb digestive system I so very envy... they eat and they go to the toilette... wow... how nice... 8-O lol

People like me, unfortunately, might not have that gift and might, on the other hand, be prone to constipations.  Conventional sense of constipation, cognitive constipation... in this context... the take-shit shit can't get out kind of constipation until it PHD- pile high and deep... fomentation and fomentation... to the point of explosion... (oops... a bit gross here... 8-O lol)

Speaking of 沼氣不發無奈何.... (oops... too traumatic a scene)

I am not gonna BS you into believe that I have the best personality on earth... Duh... Who am I lying to...

Neither do I have the best temper.

However, as I have mentioned in the previous posting, I gradually came to believe that, though not all, but, a large part of my being nice could have been propelled by my psychotic symptoms... however bad it might sound and it might portrait me as a bad person.

Yet, I simply have to be honest to myself.

I want to be nice to people because I want to be nice and I believe I was born nice. (How come 曾子's 人性本善 sounds so strange in my words... 8-O lol)

I don't want to be nice because it was the doing of my psychosis.

Not because I am afraid how the entire world might condemn or praise me for what I have said or done (or not).

Not because I am afraid of how the entire world might be made known the unspoken thoughts formed or in formation in my head.

Being nice simply for a selfish reason.. being nice to the others makes you feel nice, too.

Now I learn or I am continuing to learn my lessons... the truth have to be spoken as the reality has to be faced with 100% authenticity and not be cumulated inside... and so on... provided.. to err is human.... though I shall refrain from erring (8-O is it even a word? 8-O lol)

However, please let me be nice because I want to be nice and please the phase eventually fade like all other phases I have lived through... beginning with minimizing the affected area.... while I go on conquer da can't-mind-my-own-business disorder as a broken back mountain. 8-O lol

(Some thoughts drafted in association with others.)

A expert grade talent

All else I have not accomplished in my life so far...

I have expert grade talent in beating myself up... and really well...

Not trying to sound grandiose... but... I don't think I can find too many other people who can beat me up as well as I do... of course... in words... 8-X lol

Takes a whole of time and practice to reach this state though haven't reached mastery yet... 8-O lol

Why beating myself up?

In pursuit of a leveled field to be grounded as construction follows deconstruction after cleaning up. (Where did it come from? Don't ask me. Whatever... 賈雨村言.... 8-O 8-X lol)

Today I got rid of

I got rid of a lot of codes I created through the word frequency query in Nvivo 8.

The good thing about word frequency query is that it gives you a whole lot of words that you can identify as meaningful.  However, people like me can easily go nuts into seeing meaning in each every words. 8-O lol

 At the same time, the meaning of each word is dependent on the context.  Just because I used the word husband doesn't mean I was talking about what my husband does... especially when I am a grumpy old hen without a husband.  At the same time, just because I didn't use the word experience in the writing doesn't mean the writing involves no experiences.

It was a painstaking process to code them and it also took quite some work to uncode...

Interestingly, it does give you a happy sense of letting go... again... the wow... 洩氣啦... kinda feeling...  and... zzzzzzzzzzzzz... sleepy sort of... again... the unforseen consequences, I guess... 8-O lol

I have been intending to do this for a while since I got them coded... finally... today seems to be right.

And, of course, I have to turn them into a colorful picture... 8-O lol

Going back

One thing making me feel pretty guilty nowadays is that...

While I am in Taipei, plowing away... slow and stop... going back...

In New York, my loving Americans have been working hard and worrying bad... when are you coming back... trying to bring me back...

If you ask me, I do want to go back.

So I read somewhere... sometimes when there are things you can't do, let others do it...

Yet, since I can only do with I can do and there ain't nothing much I could do, whether I could go back, I would have to rest on my America to bring me back... sort of like... each every time...  (in addition, God, Buddha and all else with exceptional abilities 8-O lol)

God bless my America.

In the meanwhile, I keep on moving on in my way and within my capacities.

A nice song for my America...

Mental model

Many things I spoke of these past year or two... no answer to them...

As of the summer of 2008, all strange things happening... I say to myself.. Xi, Qi... but I still could not help wanting to understand why... such manifestations...

Fall of 2009, I officially came across grounded theory. All else I could not comprehend or retain when going from 2-3 words... Emerging vs forcing stuck to my mind... partially due to its manifestation as my... auditory hallucination etc.

From then on, one thing I tried really hard to learn is to not force interpretations in until the time comes.

It ain't no easy task since however neumocephalic I might be, disordered thoughts still have this insurmountable kinda ability to come out and put off their shows... as evident in my words.  8-O lol sigh

One thing I wanted to speak of but dare not entertain for the longest time...

As of Oct. 11th of 2010, shall my condition be considered as stable at 12.50 mg or so today, I might owe it to, above and beyond all else, the concept of Xi and emerging v.s. forcing... my something-possibly-saving mental models....

Do I really believe in the specific contents of such mental models and do I think they really work?

After holding it for so long a time, now that I finally don't have the need to test da hypothesis.... another lessons learned... I guess...

At the same time, it's all about what you do with your belief, I guess...

Beat them up... be happy 8-O lol

Sometimes I want to beat somebody up really bad.... (oops... God I have sinned... zen moment zon moment... lol)

When I see people putting or sustaining themselves in miseries and making themselves unhappy, I want to beat them up.... such as this stupid chick from then and the undocumented-earlier-than da then till today...

So I said out loud today, "Life is bitter enough as is... If you want to make it even more bitter, go eat Dandelion, bitter Mellon or Huanglian (Coptis chinensis), ... at least, they are beneficial for your health because bitters detox. " (人生夠苦了. 如果你要更苦, 去吃蒲公英,苦瓜,黃蓮, 至少他們解毒).  I can't stand it when people insist on making themselves miserable and suffer unnecessarily.... Must be having so good a life (太好命) that they don't know their blessings are overflowing."

 It ain't like I am not guilty of da unnecessary suffer kinda thing... I am them.

Yet, I am learning, in a fashion, perhaps, recursive... and, all else I can or can not have or do, I am determined to be happy.

It is simple, though, to say... be happy.

On a second thought, I think I am doing a much better job now than 5 years ago based on my own writing... or... hopefully so...

Unless... Like what Confucius used to preach... 因才施教...   I really needed to be beaten up bad enough... to learn to be happy?!  God... das ist really tough love... 8-O lol

How am I learning to be happy?  I don't know.  I guess... you don't think about it.  You just do it.  Along the way, you recalibrate because it is easy to get unfocused.

At the same time, of course, we will always feel sort of not so happy at times... because... duh... we are only human.

We could be happy not because there no nothing to worry us and we don't want to care about anything but because we want to be happy and we will find our way to seek simple true happiness.

For me, sometimes... I walk it off and walk it off... wake it off and wake it off... and, when I try to wake up from my propensity for unhappiness, I tell self... I will eventually walk it out and wake of it and I am determined to be happy...

We all have our own ways, I guess.

Though.. happiness seems to be the core now... What is the core of my presumed happiness or what I mean by happy... though piles of garbage-in-garbage-out? 8-X

Still trying to find it... with the aid of Nvivo... with leisure... at two speeds... Slow and Stop.  8-O lol

PS. A part of texts I came across in an old post... Regain

[Happy]

On my way home
Red light stop me in the middle of the road
A chance given
Beautiful tulips to examine

Then
The sunshine casting on the greening trees
The motion commotion of what I failed to see

Sitting on the bus
I felt happy
Even happier feeling my ability to feel happy

Be there choices or not
I thought
I live to be happy

Squander such not
You who have the choice

Da Poor girl

Actually, I did not want to look back...

I was going to wait till I am 90 something years old to finally look back...

I wanted to think of some lessons I learned based on what I could recall in this vacuous head...

Then, I got my writing all into Nvivo...

Unfortunately, one code after another to code, to uncode and to recode... until I came across this writing not too long after all documents were imported...

"You can't pretend the outcome without going through the motion..."

Ended up, I went back to read about the process of becoming... to who I am at this point and time.

I resisted going back to Down with Meds... until... finally just now...

As I visited Ratprincess in September 2005...

Man... poor girl... Why are you doing it to yourself?  Trying to prove no nothing to no avail?

How sad... really 悲情的凍沒條 (can't stand it kinda sad la!) 8-O lol

And, I thought... only if I could go back in time to tell you to stop...

Then, it occurred to me....

Oops...

So people had me told... you are blah blah blah enough...

Did I listen?

No...

And, perhaps, I would never have listened until I was grounded and hit the floor..... 8-O 8-X lol

Perhaps, and, again... "You can't pretend the outcome without going through the motion..." 8-X lol

On a second thought, well... ain't it always the case... 20 20 hindsight and... won't be me here without having been who I was right?   At least, now I could say that... been there, done that... did me not too much good anyways.... lol

At the same time... what if me reading me at this point 10 years from now on... OMG... Would it be... 悲情的凍沒條? 8-O lol

Uncontrollable stuffs

The thing about uncontrollable stuffs as such is that... since you have no control, you can keep on busting your behind off trying to control it, until the time comes... when, bumps the entire head, you go... what the heck... what control?

In the meanwhile, you keep on moving on... control or no control...

Yawn or not..

Sleep walking or not...

Pain or not

Crippled or not...

Big bad bug or not..

You keep on moving on...

Done with Yawning

Finally done with them yawning moments of my life....

Interestingly, this was not so much of an issue in Ratology Down with Meds.... even in Ratology Reloaded, it was not until fall of 2008 did I start going into my yawning attacks and them never-ending kinda waking up moments.

Done yawning in words of the past...

Though, in reality, as I was walking down the street with my mom yesterday, I started yawning and yawning and yawning again... and tearing.. tearing... etc... while.. keep on walking on...

Something I have done so far in the US, Korea, China and Taiwan as well... going global, I guess... 8-O lol

Mouth wide open beyond my control...  so wide that sometimes I would be afraid that the jaws might drop... 8-O 8-X

So commented my mom with some kind of insinuation, of course.. "Yawning till the mouth open up so wide..."

"Ya.  Yawning."

One thing I didn't say was...

Consider... this is my ordinary life... a scenario within which the idiom could be accurately applied... 司空見慣 (you get used to it).... while, for many others, it would be the wrong usage... 8-O lol

Since she is my mama... I am exceptionally happy that not applicable to her da idiom... 司空見慣...

What do I know about disabilities

What do I know about disabilities?

I don't know much and I only know what I know.

What do I know about living with disabilities?

I don't know much and I am only learning to cope in my own way.

All that I can afford is what I know at this time and point.

Even if there are others with the exact same conditions, my guess is, we might still come to different experiences and different learnings at some points.

In other words, my way might not be Swans's way... and neither yours...

That's fine.

We all have our own ways... unfolding in only one way for all... time.

More interestingly, we are our own learning outcomes and consequences...

Mental only when I was much young tooth and greener

The horizon of physically disability added

What does ratology looks like before and after the accident?

An question came to my mind today...

Well... what does ratology looks like before and after the accident that... how do you put it.. broadens my horizon even more? 8-O lol

Based on the most preliminary stats...

Before the accident.... this picture looks more or like the unfolding analysis might hit a local minimum or maximum...

After the accident... wow... thinking and lol, which I decided to not include in my picture yesterday... absolutely stand out.... except for...

What happened to living?  Did I forget living after the accident?  After blowing the picture up, I looked really hard for living in the picture... hidden underneath good and above learning...

When trying to comparing them... wait a minute... what happened to my back after the accident? 8-O lol

Went back to check the data... oops... consciously or unconsciously... I somehow left my back out.... sorry... my dear back please don't leave me... lol

Following is ratology after accident with a back...

One thing consistent through out the years.... thinking and lol.... unless... thinking (stop) back and lol.... regardless the contexts..

8-O The Da Vinci Code hidden in Ratology? 8-O lol

Speaking of a picture worth a thousand words... I actually came to the words used in these pictures with the first one thousand keywords most frequently used.

P.S. The thinking category includes words such as think, thought, thoughts, thinking etc.  Same as words such as learning, feeling, etc.  In addition, I only retain words that I consider relevant... arbitrarily... based on my understanding about... I guess... the texts or myself?  At the same, time, good thing that I don't know and use too many different words.... 8-O lol

Ain't no nothing wrong with you

One day, I went asking some information about the protection of people with disability in Taiwan at work place... for instance... how do I prove to people that I am physically disabled this way and blah blah blah.... A hard question for me to ask.
I went home and told my mom about the discussion... and... I saw her face....

From then on and especially later that night, she tried so hard to prove to me or to convince me that everything is fine with me and I am not disabled.

I then realized that... "she is going through this phase of denial... maybe she doesn't even know..."

She has difficulties accepting the fact that... this daughter of her has any kind of... let's put it this way... health problem... or... maybe my father as well...

So, she went on the entire time at the dining table and afterwards telling me that I am not disabled and so on...

Finally, I could not stand it any more...

"Stop it.  Stop it.  Please!

Accept it and acknowledge it.  Stop pretending it is all fine and there is nothing I can't do (no intent for double negative to emphasize).

That is not what I need.

What I need is for you to accept it.

Let's accept it and say... well... this is the reality now and where do I go from here.

Set this point as the baseline and each inch I gain is an inch gain."

I guess... it will never be easy for any parent to accept anything not so perfect happening to their children...

Later, I thought... must be hard to deal with people as such... what exactly do I expect them to say?

And, I thought of a comment a friend of mine once made... something like this...

"I now it is not perfect (accepting the fact) but you are making your best effort (stating the fact) and you seem to be doing fine."

Some days you do go into them moments and asking God why it is me and.. blah blah blah... and this is the point when you go watch the drama on TNT since, mostly likely, their drama is far more dramatic and entertaining... lol

Or go check out a clip as such... romantic, good ending and possibly a younger and better looking character in the leading role... 8-O lol



Yet, despite the good will... "Ain't no nothing wrong with ya?"  8-O

A lot of things wrong.... dear... let me break the news to you...

Yet, I know there are many things I could do though I am still trying to right them wrongs if possible as well.  8-O lol

Don't know whether this is how anyone else deals... this is how I deal.

And... no better way this guys once had it put... "You are high maintenance..."

I didn't understand it then... finally now... 8-O lol

She's just got used to it

Thought of this cousin of my whom I haven't met for decades...

Her eyesights had never been good since she was a child... and... last time I was told, she now is blind in one eye with the other eye catching on...

So, yesterday, I asked my mom how she has been..

My mom hasn't seen her for a while as well... and mama went on talking about the mishaps that have been happening to this cousin of mine...

Because her eye sight...

Cut her finger while cooking...

Broke her leg when walking...

And so on...

"But, she is happy and doesn't think there is anything wrong with herself."

So I replied...

"She's just got used to it."

Perhaps?!

Love

All that I have been doing is to keep on walking or learning to walk... might fall short in slopes stairs... blah blah blah...

Above and beyond the ground that held my big fat butt to prevent me from falling to the other side of earth... and maybe to move further and further out away from earth and shooting out like da voyager out of the solar system... to infinity and beyond... 8-O

There is love.

Drama

Been having thoughts about drama in the back of my mind...

From 原来是美男, 張根碩 to drama there...

See... this is drama and traumatizing at times...

So romantic.....


How magical!



Unfortunately, life is not a 16- or 18-episode-long drama and I am no high 人氣 pop singer in my teenage.... Neither am I da Kong Fu hustler...

My life mostly is like... not much happening but mistakes could still be found.... (a viewer of this clip reminded me that the bridge is 35673 M, not KM-- a mistake I made in the description.)



If only could be relaxing like this... 8-O lol



So...

Drama...

If one thing I have been trying to learn is to de-dramatize if not de-traumatize for the benefit of my mind, if not life, how well have I faired so far?

To be honest, can't tell... especially when...

First... how do I assess my learning?

What are the tasks to be learned and what are the benchmarks?

Second... what exactly am I learning or what constitutes my aka de-dramatization?

Third and, perhaps, most important.. is there anything true about the plausible benefits since, if the benefits don't exist, there is not even any point to entertain the first and second points.

Regardless, (memory dump in process 8-O lol), one thing I could say... I tried and am still trying my best.... all else... so they say... 歡喜就好 (well... that last posting in Down with Meds remains to be a bit traumatic to me... de-dramatize and de traumatize... dumping dumping even more memory... 8-O lol 8-X)

Insight: make you understand? How obnoxious!

An insight came to me yesterday or the day before.

Something I might or might not have thought of or said before.

One reason I started blogging 5-6 years ago was to help people understand.... though no longer am I sure about the "what."

It is absolutely obnoxious of me wanting to help people understand... whatever is to be understood....

At least... I finally get it now...

美國時間太多.先把自己顧好.無聊.

or..

Mind your (my) own business.  What nonsense.

How normal people think?--- Just say no 8-O

This is something I heard people said... often... "I didn't know that your body is still....."

Sometimes I wonder... for some of them... whether it is because they have tuned themselves out of the narration, they refuse to believe the reality or I simply have gotten tired of retelling the same old story...

One lesson I have to learn, I have sort of learned and I continue to learn is to... just say no.

You see, this world could be without boundaries... my posting here could be read or browsed through from all 5 continents on this planet.

Yet, when you have disabilities, you have constraints.... and these sometimes are constraints other people can't even imagine....

You have dreams.... the dream that one day you might fare better doing them stairs, slopes, and walk at  a faster pace so that you don't have to slow everyone else down with you.  You might also wish that... one day... I will be able to go out with a laptop weighting no more than 3 kilo like what I used to be able to do....

You can imagine in your head that you beat them up left and right for the things they do or say to rub salt onto your wound... which might even cause real damages to you.... your health...

Yet, one most important thing is that...

At the end of the day, the supporting characters would simply go back on to their ordinary life and deal with their own issues.

You, unfortunately, is the only person to be stuck in that body and mind of yours.  You are the only personal having to live through the consequences including the process of recovery... even from ground zero.

A lesson I, yet, have to master... to share with you...

When knowing something is above and beyond your capacity, and, when knowing engaging in such acts could have bad bad consequences... "just say no".

If you can't run... don't run.

If you can't do stairs... find alternative path so as to minimize the number of stairs that you have to handle.

If you can't carry weight, try to minimize the weight you have to carry on.

Most of all, when other people want you to join them to engage in activities ordinary to them but highly technical to you, you need to have the courage to tell them... no.

"No.  I can't do them stairs and I will have to find an entrance with disability access to the subway.  You can go on yourself first and I will catch up later."

or..

"No.  I won't be able to make it to the other side of the 6 lane road in 35 seconds."

Even more...

If you walk too slow and you don't want to slow them down, simply tell them, "Go ahead and I will catch some point."

This actually is one of the reason why I prefer to take my walk myself...

It might be difficult for you to spit out that world "no."

Not only because people might get annoyed etc.

Somehow, I think, the reason why "no" is a so hard a word to say, at least for me, is that... I don't want to be the person to say no.  I don't even want to be the person having the awareness that sometimes I might have to say no.  Each every time, it is as if... each every "no" confirms a part of me that has been lost and there is no telling whether such could be regain....

In addition, if other people don't see the point why you are so upset by disability-related issues... and might find you the only person with issues...

Tell them... "God bless...."

Tell yourself... "You don't even know how many issues I have!  Yes, God, I have a truck load of issues and I admit to it!!" 8-O lol

And... come to think about it... perhaps, that's just how the normal people think.... I guess... one of the answer to...  How do normal people think? or... How I used to think, maybe?

Also, if you are not normal, you are not normal... get on with it.. why bother pretending to be normal?  8-O lol

So much more could have been done...

Still trying to recover from this thing that hit me like a truck since I got to Shanghai... Part of it, I think might be allergy...

As I was checking the progress of the washing machine after looking up some theme song from a Korean drama I battled to finish watching last night while sipping my cold medicine in the middle of the afternoon...

I thought to myself... so much more could have been done had I not been sick... then... oops... doesn't it speak for the story of my life so far.... 8-O and... wait... seems to be a statement so very generalizable to the others as well... 8-O 

On a second thought, most of the places I have visited so far... I think I might have mostly forgotten.... What makes trips memoriable... I guess... are events with events as such.... 

gotten bitten by fishies in DR... even torn my swimsuit... 

followed bus driver's direction wrong, climbed up a semi-cliff in semi-high heel to get lost in the desert of Alberqueque...  

passport taken by the controller at the border of Austria and Italy...

started my first road trip by car in the North East of the US by walking into a huge hole... landed my right kneel on a rock on our way to Yale B-school, I think...

and ended in Yale hospital with 3-4 stitches... finally gotten the stitches taken off in a hospital near Mackinaw Island where they filmed somewhere in time...

landed in Miami for the first time in pouring rain in the night sick to the stomach... so sick that I had to throw up in the garbage can  first thing I did in South beach while waiting for a bus that never came... had to bang on the door of a closed restaurant to call for a taxi, which took me to a hostel ended up spending the night in a 4-bed arrangement with a broken door to the washroom with 3 strangers... men...  

Just a few examples that came to my mind....

So... in bright daylight, doing laundry, sick in Shanghai and listening to music from a Korean drama I didn't even know till I came to Shanghai... something to remember I guess.... 8-O lol

At least one thing I have learned is this Korean phrase... ho do ka jio... ho do ka jio.... ho do ka jio.... sa ram he yo... sa ram he yo.. sa ram he yo... if Korean can understand... 8-O lol

How much more could I have done... then?  8-O lol

http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XMTMwMDc2MjA0.html



The first song with English lyrics...

脫竅

1 month or two after my June 19th, 2007 accident, mama cooked me an egg and let me cracked the egg open and eat it... 8-O lol

What it symbolizes is the idea of 脫竅 or 脫殼... essentially... get rid of the bad... bad... bad...



or




Unfortunately, the egg my mama cooked that day was still raw and not yet done.... 8-O lol

It was around this hour 3 years ago when the chair collapsed... and my whole life shattered with it...

I lost everything.... essentially my health and who I thought myself was or was to be.

While everyone else is busy building their career, wealth, smart, etc, I was busy trying to find ways to piecemeal my body and mind together.

OK, I know it is exaggeration, but, I suspect that sometimes it is only healthy to allow myself to be a drama queen once for a while for the sake of it.  It is because... come on... when can I be "authorized" to mourn about my lost functionalities in my knees, shoulders, neck, back and head... especially when now the worker's com case has closed and I have sold my body for money (shoulders and knees only since nobody wants to pay for my back 8-O lol sigh)?  (And, yes, FYI... you don't get compensated for your pains and suffering.  You also don't get compensated for your back in scenarios like mine.  You only get compensated for permanent damages in your shoulders and knees.  It is simply the law. Please noted that here... I am focusing on what I lost.)

So I decided to cook myself an egg this afternoon.... I cracked it open and ate it.  So I took a second to investigate the boiled egg... This time, it is ready... (and I hope so since the egg is already in my stomach and I don't really want to eat this thousand year old egg raw... 8-O lol)



What is the purpose?

Guess, it is a ritual.

A ritual I participate in to help myself let go of the past.

I know that the arrival of June 19th, 2010 will not gonna bring forth a miracle... (I know I am certified crazy... but you think I am stupid?! 8-O lol)

I know I still can not run and I can only walk as fast as my body allow me to... etc.

I am still psychotic while symptoms manageable at a "really" low dose.

Yet, it is a benchmark for me.

Also, most importantly, I am still kicking...

And, the shell-cracking of a cooked egg and the act of eating it is not going to shrink me a whole size so that I can look like them skinny toothpicks on the street.

To be honest, my recent venture into exfoliation from head to toe might do a more real kind of job to help me get rid of my dead skin... and that is part of the ritual as well...  8-O lol

However, so far as I am concerned...

All else I might and might not accomplish with blah blah blah blah blah...

One thing I am sure is... and I just realized is... that...

That egg you saw me eating and was actually cooked well... neither too raw or too old...

That egg was the first egg I boiled in my entire life so far and I did not realize until today that I have never boiled an egg by myself in my entire life... unless... oh... my bad memory... Did I forget?   8-O lol 8-X

Walk

Just got back from my walk...

There is something strange about my walking... above and beyond what I have mentioned so far...

Every time I walked out of them long walks... I have the feeling that I am a life time away if not many life times away from where I started... if not... also... many reincarnations away.... (and... I must have done many many a thing wrong having to reincarnate so many a time... 8-O oops...)

Then, I think to myself...

Thank God... now I have been trained to not really care what my head has to say... since, apparently, my head changes its mind almost at the speed of light... 8-O lol sigh