What is wrong with my cognition?

Someone came to the post about Impaired Metacognition: Part II and I got to revisit the following paragraphs:

Quote 1

"On the other hand, the so-to-speak breakdown in the self-controlling mechanism is manifested in one’s inability to make appropriate adjustment to one’s interpretation about events, provided one’s self-monitoring capacity remained intact.
In plain English, I might agree with the notion that there is some impairment in the controlling component of the metacognitive model when I can not change how I interpret my experiences despite of my awareness of the biases and irrationality in my frame of references.
However, is this really impairment in my metacognition?
I don’t really think so. But, of course, that is but my really tired and loco interpretation."

Quote 2

"At the same time, as I have elaborated in previous postings, just like Rome, delusions are not built in one day. At the micro-level, as time goes on, it is inevitable for the delusional to develop a propensity to attribute observations in a way that is deviated from the norm. As a result, provided with the same environmental cues, delusionals might gradually develop a pattern in attending and interpreting environmental inputs that is different from that of a normal person.
In other words, both the normal person and the delusional are capable of performing metacognitive tasks, namely, self-monitoring and self-controlling.
However, a context is required for one to exercise his or her metacognitive skills and the context contains both the environmental inputs and one’s past experiences. Given the same environmental inputs, provided adequate ability capability of performing metacognitive tasks for both the delusional and the normal person, I feel it should be one’s past experiences that result in differential experiences, rather than the impaired metacognition." 

From where I stand today I would say, I agree and disagree with these comments- though it is sort of difficult to agree or disagree since some part of the texts seem a bit ambiguous to me.

Starting from the second part of the quote, past experiences do not necessarily destine one to think in a particular fashion although learning does promote the strengthening of cognitive pathways, as per cognitive processing doctrine, and this is why old habits are hard to break- especially in the context of automaticity.  In the context of the discussion, what is missing is the component of the present.  For the normal, there is one set of reality and the limited numbers of hypotheses to entertain.  For the psychotics, there is more than one set of reality with them realities entangled.  As a result, there are far more hypotheses to be entertained while hypotheses beget more hypotheses- and this is why psychotic like me live a living trying to not get drown in the sea of hypotheses.  8-O lol sigh

The notion of da sea of hypotheses brings me back to the first quote...

Am I still in agreement with the comment that I don't have metacognitive impairments as per "Is this really impairment in my metacognition? I don’t really think so"?

I disagree despite of the word "really" in da quote.   Coming right out of, if not still coming out from, a state of institutionalizable grade of psychotic symptoms bench-marked by telepathy (i.e., the sum of thought broadcasting, thought insertion and I can read you mind), I can tell you for sure that there are huge problems in the "control" department.

This is not the "let go of control" or "illusion of control" kinda control I am speaking of... (or is it the same thing? 8-O)

It is the phenomenon of, given the equal strength of verbal and non-verbal stimuli in the background, you brain is biased to attend to and interpret the inaudible verbal stimuli despite of your attempt to focus on the non-verbal stimuli such as music in the background.  

That is an impaired department of "Control."

Regarding monitoring, well, though possible to achieve, the one major confounding variable would be simply- How do you tell what is real and what is real?  Sounds like a chicken and egg question here... 8-O lol

At the same time, it appears to me that when it gets really "positive" (amazing grace that I could outsource 100 mg of Seroquel and a whole lot of rest to save myself my the cuckoo's nest while still kick at large), a huge part of the department of control seems to go on a vacation, possibly went on to Mars with Curiosity- leaving only an understaffed division working with the exponential increase in "biased observations."  Sort of like.. I guess.. the scenario of the arrival of Fallen and them excessive number of Decepticons when Optimus Prime was "on leave" in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? 8-O lol 

(Oops... hope my symptoms don't get aggravated by my describing them as decepticons.... 8-O 8-X lol)

Just an updated thought.

Misconception: Hospitalization

Been pondering about this thought since I got discharged from my very last hospitalization.

Hospitalized again?

Well, Gott Sei Dank... don't know whether it is a blessing or not...

This round I was leveled down... landed on the sixth floor rather than the only floor I knew... the 8th floor... coinciding with the lowered latitude of etiology.... from the head to throat and the tonsil.

I am still working really hard trying to perfect my skill in cutting da 25-mg seroquel into quas.  My mental condition seems to be relatively stabilized on such low dosage.... though... when stress level is high, the head does have its propensity to be acting out more.

I have to say, though, I did observe an increase of mental symptoms such as hallucinations, delusional thinking, irritability etc when I am sick to the extent that I could barely swallow solid food.   The mental symptoms seem to be worsen even more when having a temperature.

Thank God,  I am always ready to up my meds and so far... I am still on the 6 mg Seroquel diet.

Anyways, hospitalization to me has been... you get admitted, you get a bed, you get to move around in the ward, they give you a lot of meds, you see the doctor once in a while- complaining about things like your symptoms and constipation, other staff members are nearby to assist you, you can choose to watch a lot of TV or go to the programs they set up for you, you get to eat a lot- 3 meals plus snacks, most importantly, if you are good, one of the staff members will unlock the gated door and take you outside for some fresh air.... be it by St. John the Divine or the secret garden by the George Washington bridge overlooking Hudson River and the Jersey shore (wow... doesn' it sound really poetic? 8-O lol 8-X).  At the same time, even if you admit yourself voluntarily, you can't get yourself out voluntarily.

I didn't even know the above constitutes the script or mental model I have developed about hospitalization until this hospitalization.  And, it was not until this time did I get to identify some of the mind bugs I have about the thing called hospitalization.... though... I really could do without having to identify them mind bugs since I can do without the thing called hospitalization... period. 8-O lol

Some of my understanding remains true such as the following:

1. you get admitted, 
2. you get a bed, 
3. you get to move around in the ward, 
4. they give you a lot of meds (I was on IV for 4 days with scheduled updates of antibiotics and anti-inflammatory stuffs above and beyond the pain killer)
5. you see the doctor once in a while- complaining about things like your symptoms and constipation, 
6. other staff members are nearby to assist you,
7. At the same time, even if you admit yourself voluntarily, you can't get yourself out voluntarily. 

The following, though, didn't seem to be true:

First misconception: "you can choose to watch a lot of TV or go to the programs they set up for you."  Wrong, TV wasn't on my floor and it was pure inconvenient to move around with the IV

Second misconception: "you get to eat a lot- 3 meals plus snacks."  Wrong. Forget about eating... I was on a liquid diet and the first 2-3 days, I could hardly swallow the pills.  Not to mention that even the swallowing of my own saliva was too cut throat an experience to bear.

Third and the most mind bugging or dasein-zerbrechen misconception: "if you are good, one of the staff members will unlock the gated door and take you outside for some fresh air."  

What?  I can walk myself out of the hospital and can even take a leave of up to 4 hours as per the regulation of the health insurance? 8-O (Of course, provided that you can move your behind far enough to reach the hospital door.)

This can't be? 8-O Almost as shocking as I found for the first time that the body could move itself... (qi kinda thing...)

From the first day on, however cut-throat my existence might be and however lack of energy I was to even move myself half a block, I was determined to bring myself out of the hospital... everyday.... even if it means I had to take a seat a few times within that half a block... and even if I had to get right back to bed-rest right after the mickey-mouse distance of stroll....

Yes, I could do without this hospitalization and any other hospitalization till when I am 90 something years old... still could move, eat good food, and live a happy and relatively healthy life.

Yet.  Looking at the upside of this round.. and this hospitalization specifically...

It was a paradigm shift... and it suddenly broadened the horizon of my life... sort of how the onset of my psychosis had once done to my life... 8-O lol sigh

It was as if... the door is finally open... you now have the choice to stay in and to take some time out if you can....

It is something people might find it difficult to comprehend... so what? You can walk out of the hospital door at your own will.

Yet, those who have lived it... might find it resonating... for... what a great leap to go from needing supervision to get out of the gate of the ward.... forget about the hospital door?!  8-O lol

Allergy?

I have been intending to make this posting for weeks if not months.... something told me it was not yet time until now.

I have been having this feeling and talking to some of my friends about this thing I might call allergy.

It is as if I have become allergic to pursuits involving my head.... at least...

Every time I try to read and try to do the work necessary to complete my academic assignments, my psychotic symptoms go on a field trip and I feel physically no good....

Worst of all, the things I try to read and learn about become my delusions and hallucinations.

The only thing I could do, in addition to take my meds, is to do nothing, to do my sleep-walking or do my swinging exercise..  with the purpose of these brainless activity.... seemingly... to erase it all which eventually would lead to the "waking up" moments.... (a never-ending theme nowadays.)

If I try to do "too much," my body and mind would take the whole day or two to take me off such tasks....

There would be no point to fight it since there ain't no nothing you could do to fight it....

This is something nobody, I guess, could understand since I can't understand either myself....

How do I know these are delusions but not simply some non-delusional beliefs?

I intend not to persuade anyone about insanity but... following would be the example...

I have been reading or try to read about the grounded theory method.

There has been much phenomena emerged associated to what I learned about it...

One night, after I read this article, I decided to make some smart ass comments and post it in this blog....

"An interesting theory proposed by Stern (1994) about the divorce of the parents for Grounded theory.  According to Stern, the crux of the divorce might have resided in their MO....

“I think, that Strauss, as he examines the data, he stops at each word to ask, “What if?” Glaser keeps his attention focused on the data and asks, “What do we have here? Straus brings to bear every possible contingency that could relate to the data, whether it appears in the data or not. Glaser focused his attention on the data to allow the data to tell their own story.” (P. 220)

.... no wonder I have split-heads.... 8-O lol

Be serious... how do you reconcile the differences?  That would be the question...."

I made this post on December 30th. Right after I publish this post, I had this sense of fear... this feeling that somebody is unhappy.

Since I read from somewhere that Strauss has passed away in, I thought, 1996, I could not help but think that it was Strauss that was upset about my making it something so light.

Thereafter, I felt Strauss's "presence" and "guidance." Strauss told me to focus on the first chapter of the book "The Discovery of Grounded Theory for instance."

When taking my daily sleep-walking kind of walk, grounded theory related contents also came looping around like broken record in my head.... For instance.... I walked on and on with "emerging versus forcing" in my head... for many a block if not many a mile...

And, every time when I try to push something through... "Emerging... emerging......."

At the same time, there have even been times when I was instructed to stop reading and to start doing other brainless activities because "you have to take care of your health."

One night, as I was doing my swinging exercise in front of TV, I felt the presence of Strauss moving away... Apparently, the intensive mentoring program had ended and all that he has to do now is to pop in at times to do some advisement. 8-O lol sigh

Was talking to my friend about it earlier today and I said...

"I heard of "the neighbor's dog made me do it." Yet, in this case, it is the methodologist himself's spirit led me through it." 8-O lol sigh

These are but some of the examples that lead me to think once in a while...

Why is it for the others... things... so easy?

Why can't I simply get some writing done without all these strange things?

Then, as I was typing out the above qestions...

In my head.... "Emerging...."

And, en route to this posting through the past few months… in addition to all of the above and more… I stopped by sleep walking… swinging… origami tessellation… knitting… and so on to keep myself in one piece during the emerging process….

A quote on meaning

Nice quote about Blumer's symbolic interactionism... something I haven't came across since 1997... I think... (OMG... I am getting old... 8-O lol 8-X)

"Objects do not have any intrinsic meaning- that meaning is conferred on them by us- and that different people, and the same person at different times, may confer different meanings on the same object." (Hammersley, 1989, p. 135)

Even better... in Blumer's own words:

“Human beings act toward things based on the meanings that the things have for them; the meanings of such things is derived from the social interaction that individual has with his fellows; and meanings are handled in, and modified through an interpretive process and by the person dealing with the things they counter.” (Blumer, 1969).

Hammersley, M. (1989). The Dilemma of Qualitative Method: Herbert Blumer and the Chicago Tradition. . London, New York.: Routledge.

Blumer, H. (1969). Symbolic interactionism: perspective and method Los, Angeles, CA: University of California Press.

The cultural perspective

http://ratologyreloaded.blogspot.com/2008/04/fear-and-harm.html

http://ratologyreloaded.blogspot.com/2008/04/footenote-about-fear-and-harm.html

I just want to share with you that concepts such as the interdependent/independent self-construal or collective/individualist cultural norms and alike would be an interesting perspective we could use to see these two postings (and some others).

Although I grew up in a more collectivist culture (Taiwan), I spent my adult life in north America where the cultural norm is supposed to be more individualistic. In other words, taking a dual-self perspective, both of my interdependent and independent self-construals should be fairly developed.

However, what I am observing in my thinking, I find my interdependent self-construal to be much more dominant when my mental health condition is in a worse shape than when I am just ordinarily abnormal.

On the other hand, the constant desire to living in the mountain, caring about no one and nothing but myself seem to be fairly independent of me (unless my interpretation of the concept is incorrect).... sort of interesting....

Since there is no pre- and post- test using a valid instrument to measure the change of my degree independent/interdependent self-construal (or concepts alike), the only thing I could tell you is that...

Based on my personal feeling, I do have stronger feeling that my happiness and suffering are dependent on those surrounding me (those who I love and care about).