At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we observe whether psychotic and neurotic people could amount to something. Then came the spinal disc herniation and impingement, bringing forth the stage of physical disability. Could someone like me go anywhere or amount to anything is the question. After the official ending of the second psychotic episode lasted for five years, I am ready to move on to the next phase of Ratology- as the solutions unfold.
The accident that turned me wholly disabled, both body and head run only in two speed... "slow and stop"... not to mention, when capable of reading academic papers, I have to live with things such as the deceased author would come to tutor me?
The thing about being wholly invisibly disabled is that... nobody could tell there is anything wrong with you unless you tell them and nobody could tell you exactly which part is causing what wrong.
For these past two years, the recovery of my body sort of plateau while my head kept on getting "better"... as indicated by the amount of meds required in my own book...
"Could it really be the whole thing about body and mind? The interconnectedness between psycho and soma? Could it be the chi clearing up at the top, which makes the soma having problems finishing processing?"
Some questions I dare not entertain but can not help wanting to entertain...
I told my shrink and he didn't seem to quite feel like entertaining this idea... and... for the body, talk to the body doctor...
I went to my body doctor and the reaction must have been something like... it's the shrink's question....
Everybody knows there is something wrong but nobody could figure out how to fix them wrongs. 8-O lol
If there is anything that makes this trip of mine drastically different from any other trips I have done so far... it would be... avoiding stairs... And, as a result, taking detours....
Sometimes, such inconveviences do have their upside... for example, otherwise, I would not have the opportunity to release the lotus lantern the other day.... (and this is sort of like what you call... looking at the bright side of life... 8-O 8-X)
In terms of public transportation...
I love taking buses... as opposed to taking subway/metro....
Two reasons...
Although it is much faster, most of the times, to take subway, you get to see more of the city with buses.... slow and stop.... in New York, in Taipei, in Shanghai and in Seoul.... and even in airports... 8-O
With the buses, there are, most of the time, far fewer stairs you have to manage....
All of these cities I mentioned above have disability access....
However, the design is universally stupid at times.... leading me to the conclusion that... either them people doing the designs must not be physically disabled or this world is designed not for people with physical disability.... For instance, them escalators... a lot of cities have only escalators going up but not going down.... a real killer for people with knee problems...
In addition, there seems to be an assumption that all people with disability uses wheelchair... and only people in wheelchair could be disabled?!
I am not gonna make you believe that I can not do stairs at all....
I can force myself to do a few stairs but I have to do it slow... one stairs at a time... if necessary. However, the revenge of my body is very scary... if it feels that I overdo it....
The New York subway system just celebrated its 100th anniversary not too many years ago... I can understand why there are relatively fewer disability access... This is part of the reason why I used to use buses to go places....
However, with them newer subway systems in Taipei, Shanghai and, perhaps, Seoul.... I have a problem with disability inaccess kind of design...
For these cities, you might be able to find elevators to go down to the metro station in case all elevators you find only go up... except for... there is no guarantee that the elevators could be found.....
Worst of all, after all the detours you have taken, circling around like a dog chasing its tail, when you find that elevator of you life... it might be out of order.... and... you have to restart your search... all over again... Sometimes, you might as well walk to the next subway station.
At times, you come across situations within which... just when you are praising to yourself... "How wonderful! There are escalators going both up and down!" You find yourself in front of them stairs... and.. many many stairs... This is especially traumatizing on days when your body is in the piece-of-crap shape.... 8-O lol
The second day I got to Seoul, I was shipped me out to explore.... Seoul.
I decided to go to Seoul Station because something told me that it is where I could find the tourist information booth to get a tourist map...
Seoul Subway Route Map
All that I had... a Subway map in Korean, a language I had no idea about, and the only thing I knew... when I get back, I have to get off at the Sunae station and I have to transfer from the yellow line to the orange line at the Suseo station.
Arriving at the Suseo station, I saw escalators and I was overjoyed... So I followed the sign trying to get to the orange line... except for... at some point... I found myself circling around as if I walked into... 鬼打牆....
"Where is the elevator? There is the sign saying this is how I get to disability access... but how come all I see are the stairs?"
Seoul Subway Wheelchair disability access
So I spent the next 5-10 minutes looking until I came to the conclusion... the devise shown in the following picture is THE disability access... and there was no other disability access...
Ended up, there are many of these kind of disability access all over town...
Since I spoke no word of Korean and many Korean don't speak English, provided I am not on wheelchair, I had never used this... wouldn't be difficult to explain to the station worker my condition anyways...
So, I climbed up... one step at a time... like everyone else... I guess.... 8-O lol sigh...
While trying to drag my big fat butts up them stairs, the thought that I might have to climb all those stairs for the next few days started to form a nightmare... one as scary as the nightmare on Elm street...
"It can't be... that's gotta be a different way around..."
Ended up, since one could also transfer between the yellow and the orange line in Dogok, after I eventually got to the orange line, I got off at Dogok.... in search of more accessible disability access... It took me a whole lot of sign following and walking around and around... till... voila... I finally found it... the escalators of my dream... which run both up and down.... (speaking of... I have a dream.... 8-O lol)
It was not until a bit later did I realize that... inside of each every station, there is a map outlining the blueprint of the station... It shows you where you are, where the stairs, escalators and elevators are... sometimes even toilets... The only problem I had was... this map is only available when you are inside of the station but not on the ground level.
Subway station Map
I find this map extremely useful. The only recommendation I have is to make it available is to also make this map available at the ground level entrance. This is so that people with disability knows what to expect once they set off with their stair climbing mission whether going up or not.
In addition, one scary thing about them stairs towards the metro is that, first, they are huge stairs, second, the subway could be as deep as something like 6 floors below the ground level, and, at some locations, the exits/entrances are not connected. As a result, if you enter the station through an entrance without disability access, you are doomed....
One night, due to circumstances, I took the "non-disability-accessible" entrance after a long day... The problem was... there were only two options... Keeping going down or try to see whether I could walk back up.... By the time I got to the subway, my body was already in the kind of shape I was when I just got injured. I was so in pain and I could barely move. You see, if the station map was available, this could have been avoided...
Since I started feeling something was coming down the second day, sometimes I wonder whether my sickness later might have something to do with the fact that the entire body, from neck down, was inflamed. If I knew for sure that the elevator going down was only a block away... I might not have to go through my entire Shanghai trip later sick like a dog.... Just an hypothesis, though....
Since I was such a determined traveler and since I did not have much more time in Korea, despite the severe pain and physical condition, I was out and about again the day after partially because I had totally ran out of Korean currency and needed to go into town to exchange more money... Though I moved even slower and with a cane. I kept on moving forward.... 8-O lol
Somewhere over the Internet, I learned that the "black market" kinda money exchange places in Ming-dong area give you the best deal. Since I hadn't had the chance to check out Ming-dong (明洞), I decided to go to there that day....
When I got off from the dark blue line at the Ming-dong station, I went to check out the station map to see which direction might have disability access. Unfortunately, I did not find any sign of elevators or escalators going to the ground level.
Without hesitation, I hopped onto the next train to get off at Nam Dae Mun (南大門), thinking... that... what is the likelihood that they would haveno disability access to the ground two stations in a roll...
So I took the escalator all the way up and I exited the subway gate. After I circled around like a doggie for a while, I came up with the conclusion that... oops.... on a day when I could hardly walk on flat land, I landed on a station without any disability access to the ground level.
I went to speak with this ticket agent, who told me that... "This is an old station. No. We don't have elevators going to the ground level. However, it is not too far. Only one floor."
I looked up... and pondered to myself...
"Should I get back and take the subway all the way to the next stop Seoul Station or should I try to climb up since I am already in a piece of shit kind of state anyways?"
Well, following the rationale that I was already in pain and already in the piece of shit state, I decided to start bringing myself up with both arms and, of course, both legs... one step at a time... painfully...
Many subways must have come and go... because I can't quite tell you how many bunches of people had past me by...
Some look at me with curiously...
Others wanted to offer help except for... I was not even sure how they could help me.
At some point, the ticket agent appeared next to me... and I wonder whether it was because some passersby might have told him about the apparent struggle of this strange creature....
"I didn't know that the stairs are so difficult for you! Let me help you!!"
Before I could respond, I found him pushing me up from the bottom up... all that I had to do was to move my legs up... It felt as if we flew all the way up them stairs.... In no time, we were up on the ground level inside of the Nam Dae Mun Market.
I thanked him, thanked him and I could not have thanked him enough.
To this day, when I thought of that ticket agent and the strange scenario, I remain to be thankful and will always be.
After all these time, to be honest, I don't even recall what it might have felt like when I could do stairs with so much ease.... until that day.
At one of the entrance of Nam Dai Mun Market, I thanked this life-saver of mine, I rested my body a bit. And, I kept walking on... backwards to Ming-dong after the interesting detour.
Isn't life funny? You can run but you can't hide. I took a deliberate effort to get off at a different subway station. Yet, them stairs..... I still can not escape.
It sort of reminds me of that story.... This servant saw death in the market, with a strange look on his face. The servant went home and asked the master for one of the fastest horse so that he could go as far as he could to avoid death. Later that day, the master bumped into death and complained...
"Why did you do that to my servant?"
Death replied with something like... "I was just surprised to see him here because I shall catch him tonight in the far-away land!!!"
At the same time, shall I have not taken the detour to Nam Dae Mun, I would not have had the chance to encounter that wonderful man and the experiences of flying up to the ground! 8-O lol
I did not really get to take the local buses in Korea this time.... mostly having to do with the fact that I don't know the language and the city. One of my greatest regrets, I guess, in my trip to Korea.
In Shanghai, it was much easier for me to learn to use the bus system... mostly having to do with the fact that.... though I am not very good with simplified Chinese and I also don't know the city, at least, I am half-literate... and it makes it much easier for me to navigate all around town.
Another reason why I decided to take it to busing is that...
Although there surely are elevators available to go down to the subway stations, the apparently visible elevators are not really all that easily accessible.
The day I got to Shanghai, I transfered to the subway after getting off the maglev. After asking around, the officers at the security check told me that I would need to ask one of the transit people to take me down to the elevator because these elevators were locked.
I had to swipe the card at the entrance first before going back out to take the elevator.
I had thought it was because that was a special station.... because that's where people taking maglev would get off...
When I went out another day, I asked some volunteers whether there are elevators available because I have physical disability and I have problems with stairs.
While one of the ladies told me... "No," this guy from a distance somehow overheard our conversation and replied...
"Yes. You see that elevator over there... that is the elevator going down to the subway."
So, happily, I got to the elevator, I pressed the down button and waited for the elevator to arrive like a good girl.... under the Shanghai heat...
I waited a bit and a little longer but did not really hear any movement...
This is when I saw this red button.... Apparently, you have to press the red button to contact the workers of the station.
After pressing the button, someone spoke to me over the speaker phone.
"Hi, there, sorry... I have problems with stairs and need to use the elevator."
"Wait a minute and someone will come and get you." So the person replied.
Someone eventually came up with the elevator.
Inside of the elevator, I asked the lady who came to get me... "Do I need to trouble someone to come to get me every time?"
Apparently... yes...
Since I am very vain and I don't really like to trouble others because I am "handicapped."
From that day on, I decided to take it to the bus instead...
Well, I might have gotten lost a time or two... essentially... thinking I was walking north... ended up I was walking towards the west.... but, by the time I left Shanghai, I was already able to get to specific destinations by bus.
One of my proudest achievement this trip, I guess..... 8-O lol
Well, if the purpose of locking the elevators down is to deter people from using elevators, I guess... the purpose is served.
At the same time, how on earth would could one spend all these times and using all these words talking about subway elevators/escalators? On a second thought... well... at least I am not talking about the disability access to toilets, right? Or... maybe I should consider it..... 8-O lol
I must have mentioned to you before... What I saw most in the World Expo was... people.... What I did most there was waiting in line....
The people mountain people sea (人山人海) in the World Expo in Shanghai... and for some pavilions... hours of waiting in line...
Like what a friend of mine had put it, it takes longer time to wait in line than to fly directly to the country... for instance... it took me 2 hours to fly from Seoul, Korea to Shanghai... but it could take you 3,4 hours to get into the Korean Pavilion... Similarly, it took me less than 2 hours to ge from Shanghai back to Taipei... It would have taken me more than 2 hours to get the ticket to Taiwan Pavilion.... Also... might as well travel around in Taiwan now that I am seeing Taipei 101 everyday..... 8-O lol
Korean Pavilion
Yours truly, of course, like many others, took the strategy called visiting only the pavilions without or with only short lines....
Uzbekistan Pavilion
Moreover, even the small pavilions with shorter or no line were crowded with people... which made it pretty difficult to see much...
I did not have the courage, not to mention the strength, to even attempt the path towards the Saudi Arabia pavilion... Please be reminded... what you see below is only a "small fraction" of the line for the Saudi Arabia pavilion.
All these people in these pictures were waiting in line for the Saudi Arabia Pavilion. The sigh said... over 5 hour waiting time. In reality- on a day when I almost got heat stroke (and perhaps really got it since I was so overcome by my expo experiences that I stayed in all day the second day) and almost passed out due to the heat--- provided me being sick already- these people in the picture had to wait over 6 hours to get in. According to hearsay, it took some people 9 hours to get in. Such dedication... I have to say... heroic....
Only about 3 hours after I arrived, I had already thrown the white towel in to the world expo.
Sitting on the bench underneath the overpass, feeling the cold water sprinkling down, and in my vacuous head, I must be thinking... too hot, too humid, I am getting sick and I am feverish..... I am about to pass out... Oh, Lord...
Perhaps, also pondering about the clouds overcasting the sky of Pu-Xi... when are you gonna rain down? God... please let it rain down.... (and, it finally did rain down. 9-10 o'clock in the evening when I finally made it back to my brother in law's... finally back to the comfort of the AC-ed living room... sipping my water... waiting for the leading character of my life to show up.... and it poured. Guess my wish really was granted except for quite a few hours too late... 8-O lol)
Back to 2-3 o'clock in the afternoon... just when yours truly-- the self-proclaimed determined disabled and sick traveler-- was there self-pitying while staring at them crowds in awe... gotta be really hot in there.... body heat and stinky sweat.... while still over 6 hours to go.... My God... some real dedication.... I would not be able to survive it for even 5 minutes... 3 minutes... or maybe not even 30 seconds..
It was then when I heard commotion...
You see, even the military were brought in to manage the waiting lines, which were actually were physically divided into sections.
When the time comes for people to move from one segment to the next, the soldiers lined up, arm in arm, building a line or a wall, at the front of the crowd... moving one step at a time in unity... to prevent the crowds from pushing etc and causing accidents. Over the air, they kept on broadcasting... "Don't push... Don't push...."
I had intended to take video clips of the scene except for... my head was already moving slow and my body moved even slower... All that I had caught was a picture that shows the "outcome" of the event... People already arriving at the next "benchmark"... Continuing to wait...
Days later, as I continued to speak to people about the amazing dedication I observed and my cowardliness, someone told me that... so they said in the news... a lot of people really got heat stroke and needed ER services... (oops... the problem of watching soap opera only but not news... 8-O 8-X)
This was when it clicked... something else I heard in the broadcast over the air... something like... "Your health is very important."
So... I did make it to stay at the Expo for over 8 hours... when I eventually move from zone A, B to section C.... where pavilions for England, America, France, Germany... etc... reside... Though I was already in a state when I was not even sure whether I could make it home in one piece... let along taking any picture.... You might as well check the official website of World Expo for professional photography....
Before I went to the World Expo, people had me told... this is an event that is... "不去可惜,去了後悔".. essentially, you will regret it whether you go or not...
Yet, those who have been there also insisted that I should go to the expo since I would be in Shanghai anyways...
After I went to the world expo, I fully came to grasp the essence of the comment... "不去可惜,去了後悔"..
I suppose, like many other things in life... it is better to have lived than to ponder what it would have been like should I have been there and lived it...
Sort of like... das dasein could be declared or made understood but such attempts could never fully recapitulate the dasein itself...
In addition, some times I wonder... the day I went to the expo, there were supposed to have been something over 400 thousand people at the expo site as well... Perhaps... within those hours, I might have encountered Chinese coming from all provinces and special area/districts... Well, a kind of added value... so to speak...
Maybe... had I not been sick and disabled, provided there were not over 400000 people in the event and it did not feel like 120 degree on the outside... I would have given you a different story and I might have come up with the same conclusion I overheard as I was struggling to get to the bus stop on my way home...
"What a wonderful and fruitful day!" So said this young lady, perhaps on high heels, to her companions while yours truly was dragging herself one step at a time trying to prevent the feverish me from throwing up in public or from scaring people by the disgusting sound I make when trying to get mucus out (you know that sound....... 8-O lol)
Yet, same event, same environmental condition.... How could the perception be so drastically different between the grunpy old me and da youthful beauty?
Perhaps, the confounding variable... my fortunately unfortune circumstances? And, looking at the bright side, maybe it was these fortunately unfortunate circumstances that would make this visit memorable-- otherwise... in 10 years... it might simply be... ya... that world expo... think I might have been there before but mostly forgotten? 8-O lol
The one-day visit to the world expo does have its repercussion....
Days after, a friend of my brother-in-law told me that she might be able to get me into the Saudi pavilion through "VIP" kinda entrance... thinking of the people mountain people sea in the Shanghai heat... and the fact that I took the entire day off the second day after overcome by the expo.... I couldn't not even imagine myself revisit the place again...
In addition, my brother-in-law found out later that his wife's sister-in-law is coming to Taipei for a concert... though, unfortunately, with THAT woman... (Is that jealousy? OMG... God.. I have sinned... Also, ok.. this is a dream or illusion... not delusion... 8-O lol) The thought of having to be in the "people mountain people sea" already scares the hell out of me... not to mention that tickets might have already been sold out....
Yet, if you happen to be going to Shanghai before the closing of the World expo and would like my opinion on whether to attend the event or not...
My comment would be... the world expo is an event that is... "不去可惜,去了後悔". However, personally, I believe it is better to regret about having been there than regretting about not even know what to regret about.... (sounds like some real run-on sentence... 8-O lol)
Sort of like... if you have never experience 어떡하죠.... regardless how well the lyrics describes 어떡하죠.... you would still not really understand 어떡하죠- 如何是好- What should I do?.... I guess... Also, just because I tell you that it had always been a tiring and futile event for me to be in love or in a relationship, considering my single status... does it mean that you will then never be in love or be in a relationship? 8-O 8-X lol
Just as I was thinking that things are getting better with my health...
Tried to help fixing a mistake today and to reshelf a few laptops...
My body struck back immediately.... and the pains and discomfort from head to toe resurrect..
It takes hours of physical exercises on a daily basis to maintain a semi-functionally disabled state of being...
To break it... takes only seconds... damn...
So I tried to get home... everything along with the cold... already back to... slow and stop.
The moral of the lesson... mind your own business and fix your own mistake... like it is going to take me a whole lot of swinging activities to get my body back... 15 minutes after my dinner...
If I can not stop making this mistake, I just have to live through the consequences and ain't nobody else could live the consequences for me.
You don't buy it? Come live in my body for a day and take the damages with you thereafter. (Now that should sort of scare you? lol)
Do I buy it? Doesn't matter since I live it everyday. 8-O lol sigh
Man... broken back mountain... when can I hike out of broken back mountain?
So this girl friend of mine and I both have been having some knee problems...
We spoke of how, instead of the subway, to minimise the number of stairs you take, you resort to buses instead...
When inevitable, you figure out which subway station has elevators so that you can connect to bus...
As well as the experiences of... you standing strong on the individual stair you arrive at while facing a sea of people trying to rush in and out of the subway stations... Don't you hate them people who block your path? One thing you don't know is that... you hate it even more when you are the one blocking the pathway... 8-O lol sigh
So I spoke of how I was moving so slow and stopping one stair at a time yesterday when trying to get out of the subway station....
Two ladies asked me how I was at different time...
My response... "I am fine. I will get there."
Maybe 10 minutes later... I finally got out of the station.... 8-O lol
Then, responded my girlfriend... "When you are my age... they stop asking." 8-O oops... lol
The burden of living in a world designed not for the disabled... I guess...
Ya... only people in the situation or who has been in the situation could understand...
"Yet, once you get better... you forget..." My girlfriend concurred with me with hearty laughter...
"Ya.. like for the longest time, my mama walked faster than me... then I caught up... then I was able to walk faster then her... This is when I turned around and yield at her... faster... faster... what do you mean you can't move no more. Then, one day... the IME day... again... mama walked faster than me with me stuck with the speed of slow and stop. And, you remember again. It was as if life thinks I am retarded and has to send me back to learn my lessons again." 8-O lol
"Degraded!" Commented another friend of mine.
All of us laughing together... as if there was no tomorrow... 8-O lol
So said Woody Allen... "Comedy is tragedy in time."
Perhaps... at times, it could be at the same time... 8-O lol
My coworker told me about how this lady has been harassing people at work...
I have had my encounter with this lady as well myself...
Let's put it this way... I am crazy and she ain't normal either... based on my hunch...
Then, I heard of how this lady has been causing problems at public places... causing disruptions to the others...
However, perhaps, other people also sensed that her head is also sort of flaky like mine... people put up with it...
So I heard those stories with a common theme emerged... she wants it... she demands it... and she engages in conducts that cause disruption to other people's rights... so as to get what she wants... Perhaps but hopefully not, with this thought in her mind... I am going to push as far as I could because I know it has worked...
The stories I have heard are but simple manifestations of the principle of conditioning...
What gets me upset about this scenario is to see how her behavior patterns are tainting the "reputation" of the people with mental health problems.
Maybe this is another gross sin of mine...
Yet, what I hate most are people who use their conditions as a crutch... because, then, the "normies" would come to the conclusion that all patients with mental health condition are like that.
This gets me mad.
So I told people...
If she is not flaky in the head, she has to be stopped from causing further disruptions or harassment to other people.
And, if she is really flaky in the head, she also has to be told to stop from continuing to engage disruptive actives.
You see, even when patients are in the psychiatric wards and when their conditions are worse, if you engage in disruptive or harassing activities, the staffs on duty will tell you to stop. The staffs might even take away your privilege such as going out for fresh air... the smoking break. By taking away such privileges, you are taught that you are responsible for your behavior even when you are locked up in the cuckoo's nest.
This is because what is wrong is wrong regardless your mental health status.
This is also sort of like a jerk is a jerk regardless of cultural background.
I can't speak for everyone but I believe I might not be speaking for only myself....
Even in the worse of the conditions when one no longer lives in the reality as we know, most of us still have the basic sense of what is right and wrong...
Make no mistake...
There eventually comes to a time when that boundary of right and wrong becomes grayer and grayer... and this is usually when you are dire in the reign of insanity...
This is when you speaks of the neighbor's dog...
This is when you keep on calling your supervisor to open someone else' office because you thought you have been given the authorisation to enter the room to pick up someone's body.... 8-O 8-X
This is why you do not go to teach the scheduled class and simply disappeared for the entire semester because you thought you have informed the president of that college telepathically... Even in this scenario, when you are only hours away from institutionalisation, you still know about responsibilities and consequences....
And, did I lose the opportunity for a full time job and the sponsored green card afterwards? Yes. I did. It is because there are consequences to your actions in real life whether you live in a different reality or not.
So they say... I did not promise you a rose garden and I somehow suspect that it might be applicable for most people... 8-O
True... patients with mental health conditions might also have other peculiar problems associated with the conditions...
You could be slow and really slow...
You could have limited ability to process information because the cognitive ability you have you hand on is the half size of a peanut when others' have it the size of a soccer field....
You could have limited affect or motivation... and all else otherwise not explicitly identified here...
However, it is my belief that most of us try to make efforts to do what we could do.
When we have a job, we try to perform our duties as well as we could.
For instance, I remember the time when I was at the Taipei City Psychiatric Institute. In this institute, patients whose conditions are more stable and whose functioning are higher have the chance to work in the shop and in the cafe as part of occupational therapy. They might be slow. They might sometimes fall short in affect and expressions. They might appear to be curiously and stringently adhering to the rules. Yet, you know and, in case you do not know... they are trying their best to perform their job and to be responsible.
It is also sort of like when I was inside of the hospital and they assign us to help out making sandwiches. We make sure that we put in ham, cheese and anything that is supposed to be inside properly even unless there is a special order.
Some of us might not be as "(not quite sure how you put it)" as the rest. Yet, I know many of us try to do as well as we could in the face of constraints.
At the same time, I am not saying that there is no need for accommodations...
A lot of times, despite that fact that we have busted our heads trying our best, our best is still not enough.... and very much not enough... At this point, it is dependent on other people's good well to accommodate us. And, I sincerely believe that those of us who have been granted with the opportunities are thankful to the accommodations.
I know I have rambled on for too long…
After all, one thing I am trying to say is that… there is the need for accommodation… and, personally, especially nowadays when I have been disabled in both body and mind while trying to recover… it is the accommodations that have enabled me to do many things in life that I otherwise would not have been able to do.
Yet, like many others, I try and I take pride in what I could do.
And, I believe I am not the only one who has a problem with those using their condition as a crutch so as to bully people out of their way. 8-O (did I say that... 8-O oops...)
That gets me mad and I do not like it at all.
On a second thought, guess the reason why I feel so comfortable making these comments is because… I am one of us and you can't tell me that these are discriminating comments since I am speaking of myself and on behalf of myself... 8-O lol
One of the added value I guess for being so very well endowed.. 8-O lol
And, perhaps, maybe the person I have in mind is simply... pushy.... That's all. 8-O lol
And.. man.. I thought too much and it's making my head hurt... and now I have to go back to origami to relax my head... 8-O 8-X
Some days, I have no idea what is going on in the head of them normal people...
The normal people with a family, in good health and have money.... who seems to have it all....
So I got a phone call tonight.... after I finally dragged my own sorry ass back home from school... slow and stop... provided doing them strange way of walking that could give people a laugh...
Except for... that's ok... it would be nice if I can make everyone laugh and I will laugh along as well as long as my processing doesn't get too tied up by the attempt to move forward...
You see, one day this snail if not turtle will get well and would have live through the reversed engineering process of growing in and out of retirement.... I might not be able to run marathon but I will get back to walk my walk... and I would have learned what the process might entail by the time when I am really getting retired... (And, could there be people so very idiotic or stupid that they would be making fun of people with disabilities? God knows... just entertaining some of my self-referencing ideologies...) 8-O lol
In any case, today is the first day to go without a cane because the cane seems to be trigger my shoulder problems... and I have the feeling that the left shoulder is starting to break down...
Then, there were a few occurrences of self-referencing ideology as well as them dasein moments lurking around... I had this thought in my mind... wanting to be functional or wanting to stay in this state... thin ice... thin ice...
Let along the whole documentation things... man-made problems...
Then, I got the phone call....
Complaints, complaints and even more complaints...
Despite the fact that I said I was dead tired because I had a long day...
"Oh.. you are tired?"
Complaints... complaints and even more complaints.... god knows what the hell are you talking about kind of complaints...
Some part of me came up.... attempting to interrupt the venting spree.... in a state when it was as if I did not even exist when all that I felt was.... the speaker simply vent vent vent and dump dump dump.... regardless...
I finally said...
"Stop. Like I have already told you before. There are two options for the problem. Move or stay. Simple as that. Nothing more."
The speaker intended not and continued... without insurmountable amount of energy... while me over here all drained....
I had to tell her even more frankly again....
"Stop. I AM tired and I can not deal with it."
It ain't quite matter who said what when about whatever...
What I thought of after getting off from the phone was....
"OMG... Did I just cut her off like that? And... she's gotta be mad at me."
That's really awful and selfish... regardless how bitchy I might be... 8-O 8-X
Yet... something told me it was necessary because I need to retain my energy to survive my own life...
This reminds me of this Asian lady that I came across in the psychiatric ward last February and this very something she told me one day...
She was a technician in some bio- or neuro-science lab.... or something along that line...
So she said, "This hospitalization leads me to realize that I have to start taking care of myself. I have spent my entire life so far trying to take care of the others and forgot myself and this is the reason why I kept on coming back."
Then, this voice came up to me....
You have to change.
Do you want yourself telling another younger Asian girl 10-20 years from now in the Psychiatric Ward: "What I have learned so far... I have to start taking care of myself."
Yes... all signs points to the need for me to change... including the doctor who treated me back in Taiwan... including the medium in the temple....
Everyone is so damn sure that I need to change and how the speed of my recovery is dependent on my ability to change or break away from the whatever it is of my past...
However, no one could give me an answer what to change and how to facilitate da change...
One thing I do know is that... normies are sometimes difficult to understand...
It is like.... all else controlling for or partialling out... for God's sake... YOU HAVE HEALTH... while, for them, they couldn't understand what the hell I am talking about.... so what? Health? Just trying to imagine....
(And... damn... how I love late night hours when my head does work and how many times have I reiterated da observation of mine... pain and psychotic symptoms...)
This morning, I went back to see my orthopedics doctor.... unfortunately, in a far worse state than I would have loved to be in...
OK... pain and herniation lesson 101, the cold, the humidity and the period are three of the killing factors to our physical condition.
Since misery loves company, the cramps never cease to marvel me in its ability to summon the insurgence of nerve pains in all other locations.... 8-X
I might be doing all different kinds of strange movements when doing the swinging exercises....
Yet, on the examination desk, when needing to lift my legs at my own free will, I failed...
I was able to move my legs up for about 10 degree.... then, I had to stop due to the stiffness and the pain in the lower back.
Back to the clinic again....
That was a shock...
Regardless how flexible I might be during the swinging sessions, I was unable to lift my own legs much.....
That was another big shock....
Yet, I walked out back to the cold, with one and only one mission in mind.... getting back to work...
After work, I went hanging a bit at the bar, partially because I thought I would meet up with this nice gentleman who helped me looked over my resume for a job I am trying to apply to in the United Nations.... (and believe it or not... it was one of my childhood dream to work for the United Nations... just don't ask me why...)
While sitting there, I started working on my juvenile style of drawing, if not nursery grade....
A happy drawing.... so I thought.... a drawing of the past... Where I search everywhere for Ratprincess while she was searching up and down for Ratology...
The year of cow is coming which is to push the minor inconveniences in life I have seen away and further away...
At the same time, I was once the major league control freak; yet, these days, that sense of control or the ability to control itself seemed to have.... oops... flown over the rooftop....
In the serene background, two turtles were searching for each other.... or, I was search for myself... except for.... at the speed of slow and stop, it might take much longer a time for them to meet up....
At some point, the image of one of my older drawing started to come to my mind with the other one lurking in the back of my head....
It was one of the two paintings I made in club meds earlier last year.... during a time when minor inconveniences in life were like rain drops falling on my head..... 8-O 8-X
So, after I showed my drawing to many others, they came and helped me added some nice features to the painting.... with one of them made the comment... what a happy picture.... everyone is happy inside... and everyone happily added something new inside... except for one... who seemed to see something more in my nursery grade drawing than I did...
Then, I got home and turned on the computer...
All of a sudden, I found myself bursting into tears staring at the pictures.... and, I asked God, shall God exists.... again... this same question....
"What have I done so wrong so far in life?"
"What have I?"
And...
"Why?"
So I wept and I stopped...
Then I wept some more and I stopped.... with this voice inside of my head saying, perhaps...
And, I wondered to myself.... has the narrator ever been weak or does he or she always have a belief so very strong?
So, I thought of da serious look in this friend's eye... and, I thought... how funny... yet... how does one see my pain and weakness before I? Or, perhaps, to blind to see... the only one... I....
I had wanted to finish writing up this report based on the cluster and MDS analyses I ran the past few days...
Then, my head got me side-tracked... or, perhaps, I am destined to get side-tracked from looking at the data as data and analyses as analyses... with the sole purpose of my efforts on finding a way to show them wrong... 8-O oops..
So...
After I made my last posting, I thought of how drained I was after the afternoon's work....
I also recall how miserable I was starting to feel about the approaching New Year....
In my mind, another year in limbo... accomplishing nothing...
"What a depressing time while one, in theory, is supposed to be happy and festive...."
So was the mindset of mine...
Then, I took a seat on the bench outside of the deli next to the people that I have come to know during my days of disability...
Still all grumpy...
Then, they reminded me how far I have come so far.... how I was an old lady with a cane... struggling to move one step at a time... and... struggling some more to move some more steps again...
"I would not have imagine myself to be getting out of that state..."
I must have responded with something like it...
That was a state when there didn't seem to be any chance to see light at the end of the tunnel... or... when I wasn't even quite sure whether I was in the tunnel yet... 8-O lol sigh
I was getting more and more psychotic each everyday, haunted by the possibility that all pains and disability I experienced was but the manifestations of psychosomatization while simply failing to see improvements in my stop and slow kinda tempo in my mobility...
Worse of all, after the winter arrived when the temperature dropped, like nowadays, the condition deteriorated to my moving 2-3 steps a time even when I attempted to cross Broadway...
I suppose they are right...
Although I have not moved to far, I have gone farther than I could have imaged in some strange way... and, again, I wouldn't have imagined my level of mobility today back only, say, 5 or 6 months ago...
Then, the gentleman reminded me again... about how it was the best thing I could have ever done to bring my sorry body, if not mind, out to the world outside everyday all along.... Ya, rather than keeping myself in my little room-- drowning myself in my self-pity and depressive thoughts...
So... we sat there on the bench conversing about the past, the present and the future.... till...
All of a sudden, I came to the realization that I am recharged with happy energy.... through loving intentions...
And, Happy New Year is a passage from me to all... for, however little I have amounted to this year to pass... I am seeing myself blessed in all different ways I could not have imaged before...
Surely, at times, I can't wonder whether there is a reason for anything at all... still... I prefer to think that things happen for a reason when I have a choice... and I now know that there is always a choice...
I guess that, the closer it gets to the new year, the more antsy and blue I get...
So, I spent the majority of time today trying to work on this dataset about disability and functionality... A project I started working on after I returned to New York in August and got put off by my brain as a result of the deterioration in that mental state of mine.
So, I spent the remaining amount of this year that is soon to past trying to get my head and body together... one day at a time... or... one night at a time, more appropriately...
Then, three days ago, I woke up with my mind setting on nothing more than this set of data I found online...
This dataset would not have captured my attention shall I had not fallen victim to the weak G.... an incident that took a huge chunk of the prime time in my life away, which, up to this day, leaves me wonder whether there have been people whose only response was how bad it might have looked as I fell freely to the ground after the chair collapsed in front of the whole crowd.... be it a delusional thought or not...
Unfortunately, such sentiment of losing face has not been and has never been my concern... for, I had my own big fish to fry... pain and diminished functionality was more or less the issue I have to deal with.
In any case, I woke up in the morning... into another day closer to the beginning of the new year... into another day to be wasted away...
And, I woke up to go back to finish analyzing this gigantic dataset... about the once foreign concept of functionality and disability....
So, people were asked whether they had problems in... eating, getting in/out of bed, getting around inside, dressing, bathing, getting to the bathroom or using toilet, doing heavy house work, doing light house work, doing laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, getting about outside, traveling, managing money, taking medicine, and, telephoning...
With 16 indicators they had functionality and disability defined... with 1 representing disabled and 0 representing healthy...
Then, the longer I stared into the dataset or the analyses I conducted, the more the forgotten past started to flash by....
And, I realize... no longer do I need to create a third space on such simple indicators deeply to empathize... for that space is inside...
I did not really have it easy... though I know I did not get it all that bad....
At least, one thing I know is that... my condition has been on its track towards recovery... except for when the temperature drops below the 30s... my conversion-disorder grade of slow and stop would still find its way back to me... (which makes me wonder... why isn't that a good man rather... 8-O lol)
Then...
I thought of people responded with 1 to all of the 16 items... and all that I could think of is that... it must be tough and I wish them all the best...
I also thought of people with 0 as their default response... and I wish them keep it that way...
For those responded to the 16 items with different combinations of 0s and 1s... like me and many people I have conversed with, and, when recalling our conditions at different points in time, good luck, kept your spirits up and wish you the best in finding the best way to deal with and better your conditions....
So...
I recall what I have been hearing all this time...
"Take it outside of yourself..."
So... to myself I thought... let it be my new year's wish... for us with them 1s turning them 1s back to 0s...
I think it was around May last year that my computer died...
I had upgraded and upgraded this desktop of mine so many a time... from hard drive to video card to memory...
When the power supply gave up, this desktop of mine just won't wake up again... however hard I tried... forget about slow... it simply remained in a state of "stop"... (which I am finding myself to do fairly frequent nowadays as the temperature drops to below 30... 8-O lol)
So, I took the second hard drive out for this friend of mine to check and see whether the hard drives were fried.
The good news I heard then was that... the hard drive was still alive...
It was a time when I was still running around working 24/7.... and, I never had the chance to go over to my friend's office to back up the data on da hard drive...
Then, around the middle of June, I became the victim of the weak G... and entered into the arbeitslos era...
No longer was I working 24/7... yet, too far for me to reach... them data on da hard drive...
After I was locked out from the US and after I finally returned, my friend has left for a different job.... leaving me wondering around... looking for da hard drive among all other hard drives in one of the desktops in her old office...
That hard drive of mine was once-upon-a-time state of the art technology.... that's all that I recall.... its size, its maker and what's on it... already forgotten...
The only thing I knew for sure was... it is my hard drive...
Finally, today, I caught this new coworker who took over my friend's job... He had brought in a kit to help us read the data on the drives...
So, he chose one of the hard drive from one of the computer... He plugged the cable in and powered the hard drive on...
When the drive finally appeared on the machine, we went into the drive and found a folder with my name on it...
Alas! After over a year and half, and, at the first trial, I finally reclaimed the core of my past.... (8-O lol) so I thought...
Call me crazy if you want to and I authorize you to do so...
Yet, looking back... it felt as if that the sudden death of my desktop was the prelude of a beginning to an end and an end to another beginning....
It is as if it was the pre-quake before a major earthquake except for I did not see the sign...
It is as if, just when I thought a part of my past was dead, long gone and irreclaimable, I found out that, in reality, today, the memory remains, the memory finally became accessible, and, after all these time, I have finally found and I am ready to pick up what I had left behind....
Seeing it from the perspective of tag language, it is as if the death of the desktop opened the tag for all things happened in between while the retrieval of the data from da hard drive closes the tag...
And... so I thought...
Here comes the turning points... when orders restore where old projects can finally be completed-- paving a path for new projects to unfold...
So, just as I was starting to do them remembering the time past kinda thing... speaking of the remembrance of the time past... in pain and in spasm...
Oops... the winter storm arrived and the temperature dropped to below 30....
On my way back from work, I found my body started to tighten up.... and, as a result, legs can't move as well as they have been...
So I sort of struggled to get home, did my hour-long exercise before eventually getting out to the cold again-- on a mission--- on my way to a friend's party....
A trip that ordinarily should take less than 10 minutes turned into a half-hour long journey...
As I was approaching my friend's place, I found myself slowing down further and further more... till eventually, I needed to start doing that stopping thing to let the pain go and let the body reset...
By the time I arrived at my friend's place, I was back to dragging my feet, sort of limping-- at the pace of slow and stop... 8-O
The trip home got cut short by the taxi ride.... yet, in addition to slow and stop, I am sitting here feeling the pains starting growing.... while thinking to myself....
How on earth could the weather affect me this way just when yours Ms. Weather Station thought that--- the past tense is most appropriate--- when speaking of pains and immobility? 8-O lol sigh
On my way to meet up with two friends of mine for a night's feast in sea food buffet... I walked down the 33rd street from Pen Station towards the Empire State Building...
Beautiful street scene and lively city.... a nice short stroll...
I felt happy and still do... being able to walk down the blocks like any other human being that I encountered along the way.
It was somewhere along this trip did this thought come to me again...
I still have no idea what is to unfold in the future...
One thing I do know is that...
Looking back to the point when I found myself on the ground with a piece of Raisin Brant cookie in hand to this date... almost a year and a half later...
I would say... it's been an interesting journey....
More specifically, "speed" is what makes this trip most interesting....
While I was operating on two speeds: slow and stop, it was as if I was on a train carrying me through all minor inconveniences on express track...
As I look back, I am sort of in awe how I could have just glide through them inconveniences in one piece and how much it entails... my quota... 8-O lol
So I ask myself this question...
Would I have preferred to have them minor inconveniences dripping down here and there on and off? Or would it be more to my taste to have it pour down like a storm so that I could get done with them in a shorter time frame?
The answer... a no-brainer...
Hit me as hard as you want to for as long as I could withstand it...
For, I know... when I am done with my share, the sky will be cleared... paving me a brighter path to move on...
And, I pondered... could it be that it is the coexisting speed of slow and fast that balance all things out and result in the disappearing sense of time.. time and again....
Something told me to get back and visit some of the old clips I took....
Then, I reencountered the end of tunnel... a clip taken in January, 2007, played at 3.3 times of the original speed where the stop was marked as light on the other side...
How funny it feels now to be looking back at that time... for... almost 2 years later... it feels as if I have finally arriving at the other side... at two speed: slow and stop... 8-O lol sigh...
When my mental health condition was starting to go down south back a couple weeks ago, my shrink suggested me to keep track of the occurrences and severity of my psychotic symptoms, for instance, the auditory hallucinations, the delusions, and the bodily kinda hallucinations such as involuntary kinda movements.
At that point, I must have stared into his eyes and said something like...
"But it is just the chi moving...."
There goes the bodily kinda hallucinations out of the checklist....
Speaking of mental models.... 8-O lol
So I lived on for a couple more of weeks... doing that letting the body move itself kinda exercise whenever I could find time and taking my 600 mg Seroquel nightly like a good girl...
Recovery takes its toll in time and seldom did I screw myself up like before... (at least that is what I thought...)
Yet, I guess... sort of like familiarity builds contempt... comforts begets them doings wrong...
So I got to work yesterday morning....
Since I was the only person there and since I knew there were laptops to be set up for the afternoon class, I slowly started the process of setting them equipments.... which I haven't done for the longest time....
Did I ask for help?
Nope..
I thought I could do it... as long as I take it slow....
After all was set... I sat down monkied around for a bit before I went back to this project involving filing the Microsoft software programs...
The task was absolutely simple and straight forward....
Inputting the software info into the database and put the physical copies of them in order....
Shortly after I started, I somehow stepped on the surge protector and shut all equipments down.
"Idiot!"
So I must have cursed out while turning all things back on...
Not much longer again...
Damned... how did I step again on that surge protector again and screwed how I have had the computer set up again!
"Idiot!"
Again, so I must have, to myself, cursed out...
It was a long and tedious process... that has been going on since last week...
Filing them expensive old original Microsoft software all the way back in the 1990's.... 8-O
Then, I started finding myself getting more and more impatient....
I started murmuring to myself....
"This has to be the last set of old Microsoft to be found. If I see more Microsoft, I am gonna kill myself....."
Them old Microsoft Select in Burgundy, Blue, Orange.....
I saw no meaning to it.... no one is going to get them patches for Window 98...
I saw no purpose in it... what is the point of reorganizing them all to be put to shelf?
Gradually, the sense of discontent started to build up and build up and escalated like there was no tomorrow...
Until, finally, my coworker got in... and, to her, I exploded...
"How did you have not given me all the Microsoft that you found that are unfiled? Don't you know how hard it is for me to finally got them all done only to find.... bla bla bla bla bla bla... bla bla bla bla bla..."
She tried to speak... I put her to a stop...
She came back from inside of the office after a while... I was still all edgy with my mind set that she is all that to be blamed...
I found myself about to explode about working so hard on the greatest of nothingness of all....
It was then when I said...
"I gotta step out for a smoke..."
Finally I got to the outside and lit that cigarette of mine...
Only to find that...
The body was moving at a pattern far different than them leisure movements of smoking time...
So I stood under the sun, right by the sidewalk, letting the chi guiding the bodily movement..... while coming to a realization that....
How did I, again, miss them signals?
The past had me taught that, when I go over the capacity of my body, the circulation of chi started from getting disturbed in the body and eventually leads to the disturbance of flow in the head.... and this is the time when I get myself into conflicts for no good cause!
The past had me taught and I have generously let go of the lessons learned...
I stood there letting the body move itself some more.... and....
I saw clearer and clearer how I had mistakenly using my coworker as the target to vent the fiery chi rather than swinging them out of my body.....
I saw clearer and clearer how it had nothing really to do with them software programs, Microsoft or not....
It was simply... the chi built up and where it tends to get stuck got stuck... and to me... it is the whole back and the head.... 8-O lol sigh...
Then, I walked back to the office... in a hurry...
Before I even sat back down to my coworker, I apologized to my poor baby girl for my venting on her... absolutely uncallful... and we talked it over--- issue resolved...
It was not much later did I come to the realization that...
Now my head is clear...
Now the chi is starting flowing....
And, now the nerve pains are back....
And, now the whole back hurt.... the same way it hurt all those times before...
So I took an Alleve and it sent me walking in the cloud.... and it allowed me to stay till the end of the working day till I was able to finally make it back to the park to do them exercises of mine...
The trip between the office and the park was not too much of a pleasant one...
I went back to the way I was....
I had to come to a stop whenever the spasm hit and the pains aggravated... so I walked and stopped... revisiting the usual ritual....
Arriving at the park, I let the body do its own thing and let it reset my bodily condition at its own pace.....
Over an hour later, as I was getting out of the park, already was I feeling much better though da stopping routine remained needed....
So I thought to myself again....
Now I have the mental model about how it works...
Why is it so hard for me to catch myself so that the whole cycle doesn't recapitulate itself?
At the same time, I pondered... how might have the others interpreted what had happened based on their mental models? In their eyes, how did the stories unfold?
Whit
-
Whit sounds like wit and according to dictionary.com, it means
a particle; bit; jot (used especially in negative phrases).
I have changed not a whit. I do...
A dream: Backpacking
-
On my way back from NYC to Taipei in April, I managed to get myself an
extended layover (over 2 weeks) in Japan, landing at and exiting from the
Narita Air...
Ratprincess in Technology not lost?
-
Given my sick-in-the-headness, sometimes it's hard to trust my LTM. Did
Ratprincess in Technology really exist or was it my false memory?
As I was marv...
Traces of the past
-
A link I found that has been live online from the Down with Meds age.
Apparently, the past has always been there whether I knew it or not.
Posts
