At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we observe whether psychotic and neurotic people could amount to something. Then came the spinal disc herniation and impingement, bringing forth the stage of physical disability. Could someone like me go anywhere or amount to anything is the question. After the official ending of the second psychotic episode lasted for five years, I am ready to move on to the next phase of Ratology- as the solutions unfold.
A toast to the past and treat the not so easy past you would like to let go as a really bad hangover.... 8-O Nothing really to be proud of but that I know... bad hangovers... 8-O lol 8-X
So... 以茶代酒... I raise my cup of chamomile and lavender tea for a toast to a past I am forgoing.... especially the discard-able part of the past 3 years... the pains, suffering and struggles, which I am, maybe, finally, acknowledging... not to mention the cold air, esophagus spasm, the running a train station in my head and all other mental and physical conditions.
I am done suffering.... so suffering... go away.. go away... bad bad bad... go away... 8-O
My life from now on has to be simply joyful and happy since I think I am very much done with my quota. 8-O lol
God bless me, my house, all my family and all my lotteries. 8-O lol
It was not until my head starts operate a train stations did I realize that I actually have been dealing with ear ringing all these years except for I simply just deal with it while not knowing that I have been dealing with it.... 8-O lol sigh
For instance, while I was in the psychiatric ward last year, it was much easier for me to fall asleep partially because clonzaepam was part of my daily pills. After I came out, I was only on risperdal and dapakote... Every night, after I took risperdal, it would feel like there is this magnetic field scanning through my brain... and I would hear this really really loud sounds of statics...
Don't quote me... Yet, I believe that that loud statics in my head eventually got tuned down much after I got off risperdal because the unwanted side effect such as uncontrollable drooling and involuntary shaking of body parts such as my legs in addition to the fact that I was having problem sleeping because risperdal is less sedating than Seroquel...
Afterwards, I have continued to experience the ringing in the ear especially bad during night time.... and at times, it would get so loud that it is almost unbearable and all that you could do is to pray to God to make it not so loud so that you could fall asleep...
However, all these have just been the ordinary part of my bedside encounters…
Funny enough… it was not until the train started running over my right brain did I realize that I have had tinnitus throughout all these years although they have been in a different form... 8-O lol
And, if you ask me, is it better to have high pitch ringing or statics kinda buzzing or to have them run-away train kinda annoying sounds?
I can’t really tell you since each kind of experience has the Dasein moments affiliated with it….
Then, yesterday, as I was hanging out with some friends, I was asked something like… at least it is ear ringing—not hearing voices…
Without thinking, I found myself responded with the following comments… “(with voices), at least you are listening to people talk…”
On a second thought… again… it is sort of difficult to make comparison between apple and orange even though they both are fruit… 8-O lol
In any case, as the song goes... OH!啥咪攏不驚 OH!向前行... However bad or foolish it might seem... you just gotta keep on walking on... keep moving on... 8-O lol
Today is the 4th day since my head started operation a Ratology train station inside of itself... the run-away trains still comes and goes... However, when comparing to what it feels like on Friday, the experiences are more bearable....
On Friday, I actually had to take off from work in search of a way to get rid of them scary trains running through the right hemisphere of my brain...
Every time the train goes by, I had to stop doing whatever I was doing for.. in addition to hearing the 轟轟轟 kind of sounds fading in and out, it also feels as if the right side of the brain would become tightened and somehow vibrates along with the sound as well...
When it is very loud, I actually had to use my hand to attempt to block sounds perceived by the right ear... Well, although the sounds coming from the inside is unblockable... at least I could sort of block out the sounds coming from the outside so as to reduce the amount of sensory stimuli the right ear has to be process... I guess...
These two days, the sounds have become more bearable...
Is it because the loudness has gone down or is it because I am learning to deal with it? I have no idea... since there is no reliable measure for it....
Yet, one thing I could tell you is that... in general, I am finding myself to be in a better state than before now that the tinnitus seems to be more bearable....
Today, I am finding myself very much coming out of that depressive state of mind.... and, while being able to acknowledge the issues I have in life, I am able to see things from a more realistic and positive perspective...I am no longer entrapped by a catastrophic worldview within which anything Mickey mouse grade could turn into catastrophes.
I am finding the sense of motivation emerging again... Something I have been trying to reclaim for the past months or two....Let it be an excuse... Yet, after being good in reducing my daily cigarette consumption to 4 a day, I have fallen out of the wagon and got back to my smokes after falling victim to that amotivated state of being...
So, it was Friday when the right hemisphere of my brain was constantly run over by them run-away train....On that day, both my doctors suggested me to go back up 100 mg to 500 mg again on Seroquel...
I politely refused and requested my doctor to give me a bit more time to see whether the impacts of the vertigo and run-away trains would eventually become lessen if not cease.
So I told my shrink...
It took me all these time to eventually come out of the crying for no reason grade of depression as well as to see my brain working a bit better than how it has been throughout all these times as evident by my ability to process texts....Since I have not observed increase in the level of delusions and hallucinations, I would like to stay with the current dosage and wait and see whether vertigo and tinnitus would eventually fade...
Then, this lady in a discussion board shared with me about the fact that she also experiences increase in tinnitus in the form buzzing or a very high pitched pressured ringing every time she has to go through the adjustment of meds such as Seroquel, Zyprexa... and... they would eventually become less annoying if not going away...
That gives me a sense of hope… for… perhaps… eventually the train station in my head would go somewhere else…
At least, thank God, there is no honking involved...
What a classic... 我很醜可是我很溫柔 or I am ugly but I am gentle by the, to be honest, sort of obeying-traffic-rule looking singer... 趙傳
Calculating the distance between dream and reality.... so the song goes...
I especially love it when he goes... "I am ugly but I am gentle..."
It is as if you could replace the word ugly with whatever adjective that could be used to define you... the very-so-often-beaten-down-left-and-right modern heros defined by the character played by Bruce Willis in "Die hard" and alike.... 8-O lol
And, yes, maybe you are like me who is like da little bird that can't seem to be able to fly high... However, as long as you try... something you do will show you the hero within you...
Simply as that... we all have our trade and we all have our voices... like the trumpet of da swan...
And, yes, grandious or not, ain't no nothing wrong to, I guess, at times, acknowledge da little modern hero within you.... (under the assumption that no one is perfect and nobody's life is perfect unless yours is... 8-O lol 8-X)
夢田--- a great song sang by two great singers 潘越雲 and 齊豫... lyrics by 三毛-- one of my favorite writer in Teenage... Don't we all have a dream that we could not wake up from....
Whit
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Whit sounds like wit and according to dictionary.com, it means
a particle; bit; jot (used especially in negative phrases).
I have changed not a whit. I do...
A dream: Backpacking
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On my way back from NYC to Taipei in April, I managed to get myself an
extended layover (over 2 weeks) in Japan, landing at and exiting from the
Narita Air...
Ratprincess in Technology not lost?
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Given my sick-in-the-headness, sometimes it's hard to trust my LTM. Did
Ratprincess in Technology really exist or was it my false memory?
As I was marv...
Traces of the past
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A link I found that has been live online from the Down with Meds age.
Apparently, the past has always been there whether I knew it or not.
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