Department of Homeland Security

I have been making some progress shaping the book with my biggest accomplishment as shrinking the scope to as small as I can.

Still has a lot of room to move since I have only dumped out quite a small portion of my verbal diarrhea- gotta learn from my moving experiences and that for getting the dissertation out. 8-X

I was going to get rid of all materials related to the Department of Homeland Security because it has nothing to do with my health problems, and, come on-- it ain't no nothing to be bragging about the fact that I lived in the US for 13-14 years and still without a green card or even an H1-B....  8-O lol

Then, waking up in the morning, I had this moment of clarity.

All things can be thrown out--including all them writings trying to impress people with whatever I might know--- What a brag.

The DHS has to stay because, in addition to health, it was one of the main theme running through years of loading and reloading whether I like to admit to this reality or not.

And, while... I am nobody to the Department of Homeland Security..... again... really sounds like 單戀... no wonder I can't find a husband. because... oh, my DHS... wherever I am... you have my heart... ;-) 8-O lol

Yet another time when I dedicate this song to you... xoxoxo

(Sometimes I wonder whether I shall try to find a guy working at the DHS to get married to after serenading the DHS for all these years... perhaps... that's where my husband has been hiding at... Hello, hello, Husband, here I am!! 8-O lol)

Happy Six round (What you can do)

I have been attempting to consolidate the codes and define the codes since Happy Fifth round or since Oct. 20th.  I have started to add more sources (blog posts) that I came across which might not the key word "Happy"-- the original criteria for source selection.

I was going to wait till I finish the whole thing but decided to push this update first since it feels right to do so.

So far, I have merged several codes together based on the similarity of the themes.  Some of the codes contains relatively small number of references.  I decide to keep them because, based on my overall recall of the entire dataset, these seem to be some of the recurrent themes.  One reason why only limited number of references are linked to these codes might have to do with the selection of the subset used to create the coding scheme.

Please be also be reminded of the importance of the contextual background.  

The data was collected from a schizo-something patient with the propensity for depression who suffers from chronic pain and physical disability as well as other strange stuffs otherwise not classified. Yet, the case, who happens to be me also, keeps on trying to live to be happy.

Some of the codes might be considered as unconventional such as avoid what makes you not happy, be stupid, etc.  However, these codes have to be understood based on the context from which they emerge.

Following are some of the themes going under "What you can do to help yourself be happy."  Codes listed in alphabetical order.

1. Accept that somethings won't be the same and rise above it: Getting old, being psychotic, being in chronic pain, being dumb down, unable to lift weight, unable to walk (fast), cripple
2. Avoid what makes you not happy: Adjust yourself to the circumstances. suffering, dial up
3. Be honest. Stop lying especially to yourself.
4. Be with loving people or things: Be with people and nature that love you and who you love. Remember. Don't force yourself otherwise unless you want to... can't help it.
5. Do your best (merged with no regret): Even if there might be things you can not get done, at least, you made your best judgment, you tried your best and no fear for regretting in the future. 
6. Find reasonable hobbies that can make you happy
7. Find your core: What is most important thing in your existence
8. Happier to give than to receive (merge with tell people about happiness): Concern, freebies, smile, class material, share experiences to help people be happier, give back, give seats away, give directions to help people get unlost
9. Inner work- 反觀諸己: Bitching about others won't do much good for you, mind your own business, work on yourself
10. Getting something done (merged with try new things, work): Getting a degree, identify your problem, get the job done (or not), go to work, get data collected, do something new, look for a job, help others even through your being the other person's worse-off, tedious thing such as software recall, cut down on smoking, learn a lesson, clean up, get down with unfinished business such as classes, learn something new, do something not too many people have done before such as "pending" when waiting for the outcome of reinstatement from DHS, kicking on kicking with my broken back and head, put up a poster of junior idols in your room, my work gotten cited.
11. Give it time for the solution to unfold (merge with Let it run through): Give it time, let it run though, keep on doing what seems to work best on your best judgment and something will clear up.
12. KISS (Keep it simple and stupid) principle (merge with Let it be. simply happy, Take complements): Work on being simple and stupid
13. Learn to stop: Somethings you simply have to let it run through. Other things, help yourself to learn to stop especially when associated with the symptoms of "can't mind your own business disorder."
14. Let go. Parsifal. Sometimes, you should try to allow yourself to simply be stupid if this is what it takes. Say... I am the stupid one, I am the dumb one and I am the imperfect one.  Wonderful.  Let me move on from here and try to do what I can do.
15. Look for people in worst off state (everybody's got their issue)
16. Talk to Honest friends: Honest friends will set you straight although sometimes their words might be hard to bear. For your own good.
17. Trick the Brain (Biofeedback and put a smile on your face)

Code generation history: Strategies (First iteration)+getting things done (Second iteration)+Who I am (Third iteration)+Could do Ordinary thing (Fourth iteration)+Other (fifth iteration)

Following are the codes and the linked source files which will provide more detailed contexts.

The things you can do to help yourself be happy

Why post memo?

Why am I posting my memos?  Not to mention the scary clouds of labels?

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Wouldn't I be showing people how I am roaming around like da qi in my whole body trying to get through all them blockages not knowing exactly where to go? 8-O lol

Also, wouldn't it be showing how subjective this process is?

First, I am still reloading waiting patiently like a turtle for something emerge...

Second, come on... all research is messy by default.. quant or quat.

Third, me looking at data about myself?  How much more subjective could it be?  Accept it and rise above it.  8-O lol

Fourth, I guess.. sort of like what this prof had has taught when he was talking about the shadow of da chair de Marcel Proust... 8-O lol

偏見...偏見...沒有偏那有見... sort of like.. errors.. errors... how can you see the variance shall there be no error?  As long as I keep on trying to recalibrate and attempt to not run into local minima or maxima... I guess..

Final and closing point... and back to the topic...

Why continue to post memos?

I don't know... just like the right thing to do... How does it matter anyways?  8-O lol

DHS

Something else kept coming up in my past... another theme... my 死纏活纏 wanting to stay in the US...

En route, an object of my undue affection... the department of Homeland Security... wow... how romantic... Almost the Young Wether and Charlotte kinda grade of romantic.... wow... (Here goes my grandiosity again... 8-O lol)

But seriously,  along the way, especially these past two years, my encounters with DHS have been proven to myself today as learning enhancing assessments for my own good...

It forces me to look within myself and ask this question...

What is the core?  Why are you here?

Most importantly, how do I keep myself grounded?

Though I yet have to do a better job in uncovering the core, like the purpose of all assessments, presumably, I have been forced to learn... module by module... one step at a time.

The need to gather all documentations for my medical history since 2007 for the purpose of I-20 extension, for instance, forced me to go back to revisit a past I otherwise would not have done.

This is why, sometimes, I do wonder...

Perhaps, there really is God or some sort of almighty benevolent power overseeing us... with all of us as the medium in the message to be delivered.

Perhaps, this is the reason why I was terminally stuck with the I-20 and why I should have mentioned somewhere that Ratology is my life's dissertation? (God, I think you agree that I am done with data collection and this is only memo... Ok... 8-O 8-X lol)

Regardless...

I am still in love

As I was going through some old writing, it came to my attention that... oops... it seems like... I have not spoke of DHS for a while...

La donna è très mobile!

So I thought...




And, well, been going through my own verbal diarrhea today... and.. came to this conclusion...

Not wonder I have been single for all these times... even if I have had any significant others, they would have... oops... flown away over the rooftop anyways.. during the journey... leaving me with my one and only beloved... department of homeland security... 8-O lol

Making no money

This issue of my not making any money keeps popping up recently... might have something to do with I really am not making any money especially when I don't even know what the decision of department of homeland security might entail.

Expectations I set for now is setting no expectations at all.

So... this guy's comment hit the optimal point tonight...

"How would you have a doctoral degree but not make any money."

In addition, this other comment from this other guy I bumped into when I was coughing my lungs out for no good reason (well, smoking related perhaps...)

"You still haven't got a green card? How can you make it in New York?"

One thing I could say is that...

Men are good at hitting the spot... 8-O lol

And... so they say about network security... the network is only as strong as the weakest link...

Ouch... 8-O lol

The only thing I could say to myself is that...

Damn right... I got a doctoral degree and I am making no money.

Yet, I have no debt at all and I have been making it on my own since years ago. (You feel da reaction there.... 8-O lol)

Not quite bad, I guess, for some bump with no income at all... looking at the bright side... 8-O lol

In addition, at least I still have a job so that there ain't no gap in my professional life... 8-O lol

What could I say? Ain't nobody put me into this state...

And... live your life... as Grandma said... 8-O 8-X lol

Workers' com

After the DHS, today I tried to deal with Workers' Com...

Court day can't be changed aiming to have the case closed despite my attempts.

Scenario: mission unaccomplished.

Thoughts involved: search--- similar scenario in the past--- decision making--- not going to drive myself up the wall.

Concluding thoughts: ain't quite healthy having no one to blame... Let's blame the president for the school since I have no idea who the institution is and that's the president anyways... especially when it didn't work last time when I try to blame it on God... 8-O lol

Mission accomplished... thought ain't nobody gives a rat's ass about what you say... now you have someone to blame and search could stop.

Next move: Returning to hibernating state.... while I still have a choice... 8-O lol sigh

What to avoid

Didn't get to sleep until late last night and had to woke up early in the morning...

More and more of the running around to meet the DHS deadline for tomorrow...

I was still missing some ER records.... Yet, the time was pressing... I went ahead and shipped everything out by 4 o'clock....

I don't know how other's might handle it if you were in my shoe....

A psychotic and crippled at times chick running around trying to mail out a sea of documentations for the Department of Homeland Security of the United States of America... (especially when the phrase Department of Homeland Security itself is so... wow...)

In addition, I stupidly made myself do some unnecessary extra amount of stair climbing... might have added extra stress to the body itself as well...

So stressful that I actually took the patches off and switch to the real smoke....

Let go or not...

The whole scenario is damn tiring for me...

I observed a significant increase in positive symptoms.... primarily... self-referencing and them strange bodily sensation etc... just like that... simple as that...

Like... ever heard of the stress model? Duh...

So, after class, as I was dragging myself home... I had this realisation...

Things to be done to ensure my selves in good shape...

1. Go to sleep early to make sure I get enough sleep
2. Avoid getting to tired because it seems that when I am more tired, the symptoms come out easier
3. Eat my food
4. Avoid stress when possible

(Like nobody every told you anything like that before? 8-O lol)

150 mg day

150 mg day again today...

Feeling more alive and... more verbal? 8-O lol

This feels more alive... 

Symptom-wise... a few times... not too many.... already forgotten... except for the DHS thing... more pronounced...

Friction

Had to finally start putting the supplementary documentations together and try to build a case...


Following the suggestion of my "intuition," I got rid of some records to keep things shorter... given my extensive clinical experiences both physically and mentally....


The first step call "starting" is the toughest part...


I found myself procrastinating... possibly as an act of my defense mechanism... not wanting to go through with it....


I had to talk myself through... "Good girl... You are procrastinating... Let's start putting it together and get done with it OK?


Once you start... you go through all the records... you revisit that painful past one page at a time... one source at a time...


And... you are through with it... coming out with a thought...


Umm.... it seems like I am not the only person really confused about what the hell is going on or has been going on.... or, maybe simply my own misinterpretation... 8-O  lol


Now... Time to summarize it all... still work in process...


The whole process... reminding me friction in physics... you overcome the friction... and you keep on moving on smooth surface....


And, it ain't like me got no insight about what all these efforts are to amount to...



Buying time... so I have been told... and sometimes I think... the time bought is for me to recover... back to the comments of my doctor back in Taiwan...


I asked... "What is the timeline for my recovery?"


So replied the doctor, "Depending on your efforts."


"What should I do?"



"Keep on doing what you have been doing and what helps."


So I spent the whole summer of 2008 doing nothing more than continuing working on learning to walk.


Regardless the outcome... I will be making the best use of the time I bought to recover.... What is the point? All else could or could not work out... that should be the core purpose.


And, this process... reminding me of the process of working on my dissertation... guidance could be sought except for you are the one who has to figure out how you are going to get things work... except for...


You can drop your school and keep on living.


Yet, you do not have the option of dropping your own life's dissertation... for... it's your life... and you can't even hide... 8-O lol sigh


On a second thought... no wonder I kept on having this feeling that something ain't quite right with that completed dissertation of mine... something told me the entire time that the purpose of it is to integrate what I had done and learned so far... Yet, I simply couldn't find a way to integrate it all... And, the matter of the fact, it took getting rid of 2/3 of the excessive data to get it done...


The way it goes... don't tell me that what is required to get this life's dissertation done is to let go of it all... what I once tried so hard to retain and to integrate..... except for da 200 million worth of mega million jackpot, the winning of the green card lottery (8-O), the stupid husband that couldn't find me yet and doesn't know how much he loves me (damn... go get a GPS that works), that perfectly simple job, my craft shop, my happily-here-after life... maybe making 1-2 little ratprincesses as well...  and unfinished projects completed... 8-O lol

Paranoia

This happened again.... was sort of wonder but did not want to pay it no mind...

I spoke of the DHS and its affiliations... and the scary delusions starts to emerge...

Then, I said... ok... I will stop here... and it stopped... 8-O

Something about the mentioning of DHS and the emergence of my delusions... the sure feeling that DHS is reading it and somebody there got mad at it and wants to do something about it while you know who gives a rat's ass about it. 8-O lol

Internal consistency for the given association? To early to judge since only two out of two incidences so far.

On a second thought... they said that many patients have the delusions about how the governments are watching them... this is one of the textbook simple and classic example I guess... this is very nice... simple... straight-forward, classic... and generalisable... which makes it more conductive to learning... 8-O lol

Wondering though... why I am so happy about it.... guess... it is sort like you find a case law that matches your scenario perfectly... that makes you happy because there ain't no ambiguity and no need for further clarification....

As long as you don't tell me it is because I finally live up to the textbook standard... 8-O lol

The contribution of DHS to the understanding of psychotic phenomena.... I guess... 8-O lol sigh

And, from this point, I would refrain from such since the goal is to recover and to regain functionality... the hypothesis true or not ain't my issue. Enough other people's intellectual pursuit...

Ya... lesson learned from what led to my last hospitalisation.... You live. You learn. You recalibrate... regardless whether it is right or not... 8-O

America

I don't really know what the United States of America is anymore...

Just when I am drowning in the whole documentation thing for the immigration services at DHS... I got invited to a small gather with my friends.

These American friends of mine have heard of all these things I have to go through all these years and... I think... they can't believe this is what people who have been living, paying taxes and getting screwed by the system like anyone else have to go through... 8-O lol

So I said to them...

"America wants me."

It felt as if both of them seemed to have paused a second not quite sure what to say... (maybe pondering... paranoid? 8-O lol)

"Because you two are my America." 8-O lol

I might walk around with an air of confusion... this part I am sure....

They agree with me... that it ain't like they want me to leave and it seems even the America people also do not quite understand why they make things so hard.

Be good

So many a time when people see me, they ask me whether I have been good...

Don't know why... unless there is a reason why? 8-O lol

When have I really been bad anyways other than... I am not quite sure... 8-O lol

In any case, after I serenaded my beloved Department of Homeland Security, all of a sudden, my head started sending out warning signals of paranoid delusions... DHS reading... who else reading... somebody got mad... upset.. blah blah blah... harming... warning...

I took it as a warning signal...

OK... as if if I am having too much fun with my "creative writing," the head gets overheated and gets unhappy...... gotta scale back... and perhaps that's what it means to be bad? 8-O

So, I stopped.

They went away.

I sat there complaining to my symptoms...

"Why don't you simply tell me to stop? Ain't like you haven't talked my ear off before?"

Reminding me again... da monkey king.... 8-O lol sigh

Curious scenario: in love

A curious scenario came into my mind... despite of the fact that I don't fancy entertaining how the future might unfold... I am aware of the possibilities...

A strange image...

The department of homeland security has all my information... achievements and medical history... (the reality. 8-O lol)

And... I am somewhere else... maybe teaching kids in some rural area... outside of the region of the United States of America.... 8-O

Although it still is my preference to take a simple job and living happily here in my beloved New York... and.... not delusions... not illusions... not anything else ending with any other -sions... I have not giving up hope... for da miracle... (maybe find a job at the DHS perhaps?) 8-O lol

And... just to clarify... I abide strictly to law and engage in no conducts unlawful... despite of the pending status... 8-O lol

And... perhaps... maybe with the department of homeland security I have fallen in love since I can't get it out of my mind? How romantic?! 8-O lol

It's driving me out of my mind
That's why it's hard for me to find
Can't get it outta my head
Miss her, kiss her, love her, wrong move you're dead

That girl is poison

Since the heart has its reason, can't quite blame me for falling in love.. can you? 8-O lol

What kind of love might it be? Perhaps, fuzzy and cute.. puppy love?

Oh... so nice....

PTSD

Of course, just when I thought I might be able to finish collecting all documents by today and at least send them all out by tomorrow...

And... after waiting for phone calls...

I finally called again to check to see whether the document from one source is ready.... only to find out 15 minutes from closing time... I won't be able to get there to give this stupid initial...

Here comes the loop....

I got irritated...

"Why didn't they tell me I need the initial when I was there?"

"They didn't know until they reviewed it."

"Is there any other way where I can give my initial?" For God's sake, it's a patient requesting her own information! 8-O

"No... you have to wait till Monday."

"Would it be possible to get it by Monday since Tuesday is the optimal deadline?"

"There is no telling?"

"Shit!" So I heard myself over the phone... time to apologise....

So I said to the nice lady on the other end... "I am sorry... I am not saying shit to you... it is the situation..."

The matter of the fact is that....

It is a tiring and trying process... especially when what you are asked to go back and confront is a past you do not wish to look back.... Other than my not liking to talk on the phone....

This is more than somebody else's documentation you are gathering...

This is a whole mess filled with God knows why complications for an utterly simple being.

And... if you don't know... it is ok... because I did not realise it until seconds ago...

So, as I was all tired and trying to drag myself back home with all documents in the backpack, I felt the bag was heavy...

It surely is heavier than my ordinary load....

Yet, at the same time, let's put it... psychosomatisation... its weight on me seems to make it even more heavy....

Perhaps, what I was reacting to was the vast bureau of indecision.

The prolonged process of a strange pursuit.... with the ups and downs of meds adjustment as one major theme through all these years... what I happened to scan through when photocopying a copy of the documents for myself.... what I once noticed when scanning through all my blog postings so far...

The documents so very confidential that it would require an extra initial of mine to get released... apparently... even more sensitive than those for the others...

So I thought of the comment I made right after the phone call...

"If one diagnosis they have failed to assign so far... that would be PTSD..."

Except for... where does the stress originate from? Could it be that "me" unless it is too presumptuous to, again, be me-centric?

And.. unless it is not only "mes"... it's simply human?

Sort of like what junior said after seeing what all my trials and hearing my side of conversation..... "I would have blow off myself..."

Nut case

Was talking to my friends about how running around trying gather medical records for reinstatement purpose for my student visa...

She did not quite understand because I guess... she was thinking about me talking about Green Card application...

"Why do you have to tell them the truth?"

"Because the reinstatement plea is based on the medical ground..."

Then, I had to concur with her...

"Ya. By the time I submitted the complete records, the immigration services of the department of homeland security would be ready to ship me home because they are going to think... why are we keeping someone who is physically disabled and mentally challenged in the united states?"

Especially when I don't even know whether the American Disability Act covers the aliens or not...

Yet, what do I know... Just

True or not true... Just trying to imagine how they might think... and, of course, I'd rather be wrong...

And, gotta clarify this... before I came to the US... I was healthy like a cow although might have been depressed at points. 8-O lol

Harasement

I hate asking people to do things... the same time... again and again... especially in the lack of responses...

Guess this is why yesterday was so exhausting...

I had to contact multiple locations only to obtain some stupid medical records about my psychiatric problems for a purpose that I don't even whether would serve anything at all... while something stubbornly insists me on pushing through with it despite of the fact that I have mostly lost all steam or in simply a steamless state...

See, even if my status really gets reinstated, it would only carry me to next spring to allow me to finish up the course work... not to mention that if a negative response comes down, after all these headaches, I would simply have to pack up and leave... unless miracle happens and I either find a full time job or a husband. Or better yet both since they are not mutually exclusive. Simple as that. 8-O lol sigh

Why trying so hard still? I have no idea.

Yet, something just keeps on pushing me forward as if it just has to be done and I can't escape and defy it... oh.. no...

So I contacted them and contact them...

One person at a time trying to figure out whether this is the real person and trying to decipher which part of the records I am speaking of....

Since I have been playing phone tags with my shrink, I had to make myself leave multiple message trying to convey to him the urgency of the issue since, fucked up as I am in the head, it would take at least some work for the medical records to be prepared since June 2007... considering my head did take me back to the hospital in February 2008 and got worst again in Fall 2008....

Once is charm...

Twice is old...

Having to do it even more time... that makes me feel that I am really heading towards a harassment law suit.... 8-O

Yet, so is the reality in life.... sometimes.... so they say... you just have to push and push some more so that it could be done...

At the same time, just because you push and harass people as much as possible... something it just doesn't work at all especially when you also feel that pushing too much might result in rebound....

This is the point when you wish... if only self-reliant could be sufficient in all business in life...

All the phone messages I left on my shrink's machine lead me to ponder...

"So could such efforts be deciphered as the instability of the mental condition?!" 8-O

Or... simply insanity?

The pain involved with the harassing moments of everyday life... sigh

And.. perhaps... the moral of the lesson... the insufficiency of self-reliance-- necessary but insufficient?

If you don't quite understand what I am talking about here... let's look for a analogy that might help you to relate to... surface information might be different but... I guess.. the structure is there...

So I cry... I pray... I beg... 8-O lol sigh

Complications

Had to call up all different doctors trying to get statements from them concerning my all encompassing conditions....

Physician... psychiatrist... orthopaedics doctor...

I need documents to be produced by them... something I can't do myself...

Then, I had to call my worker's com lawyer and blah blah blah.....

Then... doctor... then lawyer... then.....

This gets me feel upset... damn fxcking complications....

This reminds me of how a simple incidence called a chair collapsing underneath my big fat buts could lead to the ensuing revelations... while other people fell and they simply stood back up.

I am simple and my life is simple...

Why does it feel as if this simple fool is entrapped by da simply complicated?

It is true... I used to be inspired to be complicated, as evident by my dissertation, for instance, but now I only want to be simple. Why more the complicated?

And... I wonder...

Shall I pack things up and go.... I wouldn't have to give a bag of beans about the DHS at all and what it wants..... would I be able to escape them all... the inescapable complications?

Something tells me... nope.

You can run but you can't hide.

You just have to go through with it regardless of the scenarios.

And I stop asking why.

stand by your man-- Crazy

I spent many a year standing by them men.

Didn't let go... wishing for a hope... thinking one day they might put in some efforts or a miracle to happen to make things work... until they finally let me go... 8-O lol sigh

Staring at them blue documents for the department of Homeland Security.

I ponder... it this but another of of them stand-by-your-man phenomenon?

What?! 8-O lol

Never ending bottomlessness in life

On the bus, the other day, I overheard this woman sitting behind me...

She was talking about her life.... "... the never ending bottomlessness in life... Aren't we all supposed to have a small miracle? A miracle?"

I thought she was talking about me and I know it was self-referencing...

Sounds like stock market... I thought further...

Then, I got this letter from the Department of Homeland Security...

Thought it might have been the notice to put me out of my miseries....

Then, they are asking for more.. for more documentation to prove my need and the cost for rehabilitation...

Proving... I can do not more.

How much more?

Then, I had this insight.... today... I could feel.

Whatever it is.... 150 mg Seroquel....

Today, I could feel.

Have been wondering all these times... Who is talking? The meds or my undefinable self?

Regardless, 150 mg, today, I could feel.