At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we observe whether psychotic and neurotic people could amount to something. Then came the spinal disc herniation and impingement, bringing forth the stage of physical disability. Could someone like me go anywhere or amount to anything is the question. After the official ending of the second psychotic episode lasted for five years, I am ready to move on to the next phase of Ratology- as the solutions unfold.
Just realized that... somebody cited this article of mine written in my past life...
Ah.... something worth citing could come out of this mouth of mine? Wow...
So, I decided to check it out this one and only article on this planet that cited my writing... and why I was cited...
Not because I said anything all that meaty... cuz I modified a usability questionnaire in my study..... 8-O lol
Anyways, so they say... no fish shrimp is ok... 沒魚蝦也好...
In addition, since I had my accident over 3 years ago and especially these past 1-2 years, I had given up a whole lot of things including the whole academic publication stuffs, voluntarily, to save my body and mind.
From 600 mg till getting overdrugged by 12.50 + mg of Seroquel.... although I did not move far in the Human-Computer Interaction, I did move pretty far in Human-Medication Interaction.... I guess?! 8-O lol
Funny to see my name cited tody.... absolutely funny...
Being REALLY thankful, though!!! Thank you, thank you and thank you!!!
I had thought that I would be able to live to see my work cited... (though I am determined to live a long and happy life)....
Today, one more thing crossed off... in my checklist... I guess? Not to mention... International Journal of Human-Computer Interaction.... Not Bad...
Next thing on the list... gotta marry myself off... I think....
My learning to let go is like playing Mafia War...
When I was under level 400 or 500, I tried really hard to level up and always ponder what it would be like to be at a higher level.
After a certain level, I stop pondering since...
Come on... what is the point since, don't bust your head too hard over it since, as long as you keep on playing, today's level up would always be tomorrow's lower level. 8-O
Some days you even forget to level up because I was busy cooking or training my dog.... or checking out beauty products. 8-O lol
My Mafia War view at level 653... not too high... not really low... sort of somewhere in the middle...
Wonder whether it is the maxima/minima or again local maxima/minima?
1 month or two after my June 19th, 2007 accident, mama cooked me an egg and let me cracked the egg open and eat it... 8-O lol
What it symbolizes is the idea of 脫竅 or 脫殼... essentially... get rid of the bad... bad... bad...
or
Unfortunately, the egg my mama cooked that day was still raw and not yet done.... 8-O lol
It was around this hour 3 years ago when the chair collapsed... and my whole life shattered with it...
I lost everything.... essentially my health and who I thought myself was or was to be.
While everyone else is busy building their career, wealth, smart, etc, I was busy trying to find ways to piecemeal my body and mind together.
OK, I know it is exaggeration, but, I suspect that sometimes it is only healthy to allow myself to be a drama queen once for a while for the sake of it. It is because... come on... when can I be "authorized" to mourn about my lost functionalities in my knees, shoulders, neck, back and head... especially when now the worker's com case has closed and I have sold my body for money (shoulders and knees only since nobody wants to pay for my back 8-O lol sigh)? (And, yes, FYI... you don't get compensated for your pains and suffering. You also don't get compensated for your back in scenarios like mine. You only get compensated for permanent damages in your shoulders and knees. It is simply the law. Please noted that here... I am focusing on what I lost.)
So I decided to cook myself an egg this afternoon.... I cracked it open and ate it. So I took a second to investigate the boiled egg... This time, it is ready... (and I hope so since the egg is already in my stomach and I don't really want to eat this thousand year old egg raw... 8-O lol)
What is the purpose?
Guess, it is a ritual.
A ritual I participate in to help myself let go of the past.
I know that the arrival of June 19th, 2010 will not gonna bring forth a miracle... (I know I am certified crazy... but you think I am stupid?! 8-O lol)
I know I still can not run and I can only walk as fast as my body allow me to... etc.
I am still psychotic while symptoms manageable at a "really" low dose.
Yet, it is a benchmark for me.
Also, most importantly, I am still kicking...
And, the shell-cracking of a cooked egg and the act of eating it is not going to shrink me a whole size so that I can look like them skinny toothpicks on the street.
To be honest, my recent venture into exfoliation from head to toe might do a more real kind of job to help me get rid of my dead skin... and that is part of the ritual as well... 8-O lol
However, so far as I am concerned...
All else I might and might not accomplish with blah blah blah blah blah...
One thing I am sure is... and I just realized is... that...
That egg you saw me eating and was actually cooked well... neither too raw or too old...
That egg was the first egg I boiled in my entire life so far and I did not realize until today that I have never boiled an egg by myself in my entire life... unless... oh... my bad memory... Did I forget? 8-O lol 8-X
A toast to the past and treat the not so easy past you would like to let go as a really bad hangover.... 8-O Nothing really to be proud of but that I know... bad hangovers... 8-O lol 8-X
So... 以茶代酒... I raise my cup of chamomile and lavender tea for a toast to a past I am forgoing.... especially the discard-able part of the past 3 years... the pains, suffering and struggles, which I am, maybe, finally, acknowledging... not to mention the cold air, esophagus spasm, the running a train station in my head and all other mental and physical conditions.
I am done suffering.... so suffering... go away.. go away... bad bad bad... go away... 8-O
My life from now on has to be simply joyful and happy since I think I am very much done with my quota. 8-O lol
God bless me, my house, all my family and all my lotteries. 8-O lol
One breakthrough in my coping mechanism with the symptoms (people could read my mind and I could sense their presence etc....)--> "I am not responsible for my psychotic symptoms." and "Who told your to invade my head without permission?"
Unfortunately, there is no standard interventions for my own symptoms. Some might work for a while and, all of a sudden, doesn't work. My coping so far... a constant processing of finding out the things that might work.
Taking symptoms such as people could read my mind and hear my thought thing...
You could tell yourself that... it is but your symptoms. Yet, good luck with that... if you could win it over this way, they wouldn't have been coined as pathological.
If you don't give a bag of beans about how others feel, you could simply run your mouth on and on at them "unauthorized intruders in your head." End results, other people might find it difficult to get your attention and find your head all flaky... This might be the same reason why, sometimes on the street, you hear people all of a sudden yelling at you for no good reason.
Yesterday, for instance, as I was walking down Broadway, this woman came towards me and yelled... "Keep on playing your game!!"
I went... "8-O you could see them people accessing my head without authorizations and you are actually speaking to them?" (So speak for the synergistic effect of putting two together... 8-O lol sigh)
At the same time, others might feel bad when not-so-nice thoughts would come into their head. They might feel bad that the not-so-nice thoughts might be known by other people and hurt their feelings.
This is one of my worst enemy... For the longest time, I felt bad when not so nice thoughts would emerge and might hurt the receivers' feelings.... and your know your condition is going down south when it goes from singular to plural because, when you start to feel the presence and hear the voices of many people, your head starts to reenact things like the three kingdoms... 8-O lol sigh
And this is the time when you have your meds up... like what I have to do.. with the minor inconveniences I have to face when going to bed... In addition to them symptoms who have a bad habit of showing up left and right in all forms while you let go of your cognitive control when trying to fall asleep, extremely dry mouth, the sensation of the esophagus getting all tightened up and the body jerking up and down in bed as if a life fish out of water on a chopping board....
Life used to be much easier... you pop the meds, it knocks you down and put your asleep. The worst thing could happen is for you to feel all dumb all days... none of them physical kinda stuffs... sigh
Then, the light ball went off earlier today and I realized that one way of responding to these kind of incidence is to say to myself...
"I have no control over my symptoms otherwise they will not be called pathological symptoms. In addition, my head is my head and who the hell are you to intrude my private thoughts... pathological or not. That should teach you a lesson being beaten up by my disordered thoughts left and right."
(Remember... the reason why symptoms are symptoms is because of the intrinsic bias patients have towards the disordered thinking.)
Then I thought of what that strange doctor of mine said to my over 2 years ago...
I could not understand what exactly I have to put down and, today, I bet, the doctor might have no idea either except for he simply knows that is what I have to do.
Since then, I have learned to let go of many things... although I am still not quite sure what I have to learn to let go.
The most recent thing that I learned to let go is to let go of the control over my symptoms... as mentioned in the previous part of the writing. I have to learn to let the symptoms to simply be symptoms while finding the least stressful way of reacting to them. (And, of course, it is easier to say than to do... react not...)
In addition, in my previous life, people mostly could not tell that there is anything not so normal about me... until the point of the accident when I fell free from a collapsing chair in sitting position.
From then on... till today... it is just a normal part of my life to walk abnormal and go into abnormal states. At this point, when it occurs... whether it is my limping around... sleep walking... experiencing excruciating pains migrating through my body as I take my walk ... etc... It is just the way it is so let it be. And, hopefully, if I let it run through... I will be able to walk out of it.... and luckily, I have been able to walk in and out of strange states so far....
Essentially, I am regressing back to the mean and simply need to fill the quota.... Nowadays, I am having a paradigm shift in my MO... pretending no more... trying no more to act like them people-- normal... though I still do have my boundary and though I have no idea what it really means to act normal. 8-O Somehow, something tells me that this is what it takes... I simply have to do it and get it over with.
Of course, God knows whether any of these thoughts are intuition or delusions... Everything shifts and morphs all the time... Along this line of thinking... I have given up trying to figure out how sane or insane I might be. Somehow... no need no more.... unless... insufficient cognitive capacity. In addition, the want to figure it out make you think and convoluted thinking drive you even nuttier.
In addition, this idea just came to me yesterday.... what about creative writing? 8-O
I, unofficially speaking, have more than one mafia war account... for fear that if one accounts gets closed, I have other accounts to work with to see what it might be like towards the end of the journey.
Funny enough, some time after I created the second account, my dominant account became disabled... and it remained disabled since....
That rain-day account I created eventually surpassed the growing speed of the dominant account... Today, it is the main account....
So, I finally get to finish the Third Tier of Episode 6 "Pakhan" in Moscow today...
The day when I was not yet awake while starting to feel regretful about not having gotten up early enough to catch the free shuttle to see my shrink... and heard my voice said..."If you push harder, you will break."
Not you "might" break. No uncertainty here but you "will" break. Psychotic symptoms or not... scary enough... especially when I am all broken and still try to find way to patch myself up... 8-O 8-X lol sigh
The day when my voice force me further to reexamine my life... and the prices...
I knew it is time to really put down and let go da thing relating to academia.... And, apparently, there is still this thought in the back of my head saying... maybe one day, after I retire from something else, I will try out academia...
There might be other people both mentally and physically disabled like me and who could continue to pursuit a career as such.
Good luck to you and take care of your health and life. Of course, best wishes to you non-disabled as well... ya... non-discriminating.... 8-O lol
I have now made a conscious choice... weighting all things... and decided to preserve myself for a wonderful life ahead and it ain't like my non-existence in academia would mean a ding to no nothing and nobody. It seems like IT or number-related jobs are best for me. Running a craft shop would be nice except for I need to first really win my mega-million... 8-O lol
It is not like I have come to this conclusion simply because I am disabled in the head and in the body.... Like... OMG... I am too constrained by my disabilities such as my head status to do it.
Rather, it is... based on my estimation and since the past seems to have some pretty good predictibility on the future... what outweigh what and what is the cost-benefit ratio?
Do I want to go against the odds if not Gods regardless... perpetuating the modus operandi of my past life... which seems to have led to the shattering of my existence bottom up... literally... because I want to prove that I can do it, whatever it is?
Not saying anyone should simply decide to not pursue no nothing without any effort because I did conduct my dissertation experiment all the way into the psychiatric ward and came out jumping right back into it and I have not stopped. And, I did work and study while living with them ups and downs of my mental health conditions all the way and all those years till I deposited my dissertation and got that doctoral degree. In other words, don't let nobody tell you that because you are psychotic... you can't get things done... provided you get your jobs done (oops... am I reacting to something? Imaginary or not? 8-O lol).
I have no regret about my life so far other than not making big money to take my parents for trips... it is just, at times, one just has to recalibrate.
Then, upon the completion of da Pakhan job, I saw this message...
Your choices are now permanent... 8-O lol
Speaking of synchronicity.... and no wonder I am delusional... 8-O lol
And, only hope this note will reach someone... positive way.
It is a gut feeling you have, there is no way to tell whether that gut feeling you feel is really what they mean by letting go... especially God knows whether it is simply some psychotic or psychowhatever symptoms.... 8-O lol
The confusion of interpretations...
So you let go of the question about letting go... 8-O lol
Especially when... I imagine it to be a process rather than subscribing to the threshold model....
And, so they say... you can't teach an old dog new tricks.... lol
So, on my way to class, I had this thought in my mind... the same thought that occurred a few times earlier...
"Talk is cheap. You could only tell when in the field. I could talk as much as I could. The real thing is in how well you could have the reality handled."
How could do the hypothesis testing though?
Before the scenario fully emerge....
I said to myself... "No more theory and hypothesis testing.... Not me... No more..." 8-O
Ya, give me a miracle... no more me testing them no more.... go away... go away.... 8-O lol
Didn't get to sleep until late last night and had to woke up early in the morning...
More and more of the running around to meet the DHS deadline for tomorrow...
I was still missing some ER records.... Yet, the time was pressing... I went ahead and shipped everything out by 4 o'clock....
I don't know how other's might handle it if you were in my shoe....
A psychotic and crippled at times chick running around trying to mail out a sea of documentations for the Department of Homeland Security of the United States of America... (especially when the phrase Department of Homeland Security itself is so... wow...)
In addition, I stupidly made myself do some unnecessary extra amount of stair climbing... might have added extra stress to the body itself as well...
So stressful that I actually took the patches off and switch to the real smoke....
Let go or not...
The whole scenario is damn tiring for me...
I observed a significant increase in positive symptoms.... primarily... self-referencing and them strange bodily sensation etc... just like that... simple as that...
Like... ever heard of the stress model? Duh...
So, after class, as I was dragging myself home... I had this realisation...
Things to be done to ensure my selves in good shape...
Go to sleep early to make sure I get enough sleep
Avoid getting to tired because it seems that when I am more tired, the symptoms come out easier
Eat my food
Avoid stress when possible
(Like nobody every told you anything like that before? 8-O lol)
I had come to the United States of America to study....
Now I think I have sort of learned enough for my own sake...
The documents will be submitted and it would be the end of it.
Well, you start something and you have to see it through...
I am currently tired and perhaps drained.
But tomorrow I know I will be regenerated and I bet I might have forgotten what I have typed out today.
I had thought what I came for was to learn and retain knowledge... develop and further develop more intellectual capabilities...
Ironically, today, the lessons learned is about letting go.... completely letting go... after flooded with the yester-present and today's past... now I can let go...
I have done all that I could do and I will finish up what I have started... with some more loose ends to tighten up.
The rest... just let fate take me and let me go with the flow (including the collection of the jackpot and green card 8-O lol)... because I have lived through all the tests so far and I think I have done as well as I could regardless how well others might think I fare or how well others might fare (an attempt to not be too egocentric 8-O lol).
Now I can let go.... the grudges... the hurt... the anger... the never-ending pursuit of I no longer know what.... and otherwise not specified.... (other than... well... somebody gotta be able to sue da institution that's not legally liable... oops... zen moment... zen moment... 8-O lol)
And, funny enough... it ain't like the things I have learned serve no purpose... it has been and remain to be of great use... and... it takes them to move me through...
Perhaps, all the work I had done in previous years are the preparation work for the entire process since I don't know when....
Yet, it takes the whole 9 yards about the immigration stuffs to put me to test... a test life has prepared me so far... it is as if it just keeps getting reloading and reloading in different forms... with the same core involve.... because I am too retarded a learner... 8-O lol
Unless... this is simple the chunk of time life assigned for me to learn to be a person because I had been assigned all the other years to learn and do everything else other than myself...
And... perhaps... now... I finally can be granted access to my leisure studies?! That would be nice. 8-O lol
And... if everyone has his or her own individual path, I really have no idea why I have been assigned this path? J.... C.....
Time for meds. 8-O lol sigh
(Was not gonna post this... because something tells me... what the heck...)
Had to finally start putting the supplementary documentations together and try to build a case...
Following the suggestion of my "intuition," I got rid of some records to keep things shorter... given my extensive clinical experiences both physically and mentally....
The first step call "starting" is the toughest part...
I found myself procrastinating... possibly as an act of my defense mechanism... not wanting to go through with it....
I had to talk myself through... "Good girl... You are procrastinating... Let's start putting it together and get done with it OK?
Once you start... you go through all the records... you revisit that painful past one page at a time... one source at a time...
And... you are through with it... coming out with a thought...
Umm.... it seems like I am not the only person really confused about what the hell is going on or has been going on.... or, maybe simply my own misinterpretation... 8-O lol
Now... Time to summarize it all... still work in process...
The whole process... reminding me friction in physics... you overcome the friction... and you keep on moving on smooth surface....
And, it ain't like me got no insight about what all these efforts are to amount to...
Buying time... so I have been told... and sometimes I think... the time bought is for me to recover... back to the comments of my doctor back in Taiwan...
I asked... "What is the timeline for my recovery?"
So replied the doctor, "Depending on your efforts."
"What should I do?"
"Keep on doing what you have been doing and what helps."
So I spent the whole summer of 2008 doing nothing more than continuing working on learning to walk.
Regardless the outcome... I will be making the best use of the time I bought to recover.... What is the point? All else could or could not work out... that should be the core purpose.
And, this process... reminding me of the process of working on my dissertation... guidance could be sought except for you are the one who has to figure out how you are going to get things work... except for...
You can drop your school and keep on living.
Yet, you do not have the option of dropping your own life's dissertation... for... it's your life... and you can't even hide... 8-O lol sigh
On a second thought... no wonder I kept on having this feeling that something ain't quite right with that completed dissertation of mine... something told me the entire time that the purpose of it is to integrate what I had done and learned so far... Yet, I simply couldn't find a way to integrate it all... And, the matter of the fact, it took getting rid of 2/3 of the excessive data to get it done...
The way it goes... don't tell me that what is required to get this life's dissertation done is to let go of it all... what I once tried so hard to retain and to integrate..... except for da 200 million worth of mega million jackpot, the winning of the green card lottery (8-O), the stupid husband that couldn't find me yet and doesn't know how much he loves me (damn... go get a GPS that works), that perfectly simple job, my craft shop, my happily-here-after life... maybe making 1-2 little ratprincesses as well... and unfinished projects completed... 8-O lol
After the phone called, it was as if the whole 9 yards simple fell off on me and I had to step out for a smoke especially when I forgot the patch at home...
Stepping outside of the building... I came to the realisation....
"Oh shit! I am reacting!"
First day the dosage down to 150 mg of Seroquel....
I could feel the presence of me... that me that could feel and could react to situations like a human being... rather than hiding behind rationalisations and terminally seeking to use understanding to avoid entertaining either accessing or the inability to access emotions (just don't ask me what exactly I am talking about...)
That me that has the capacity to blow things off while it is small... react and forget... rather than building things up and explode like a volcano...
Somehow I think it is healthier that way...
In other words, by using meds to drug me down so far... is it really all that healthy or not? The inability to feel and to react although, granted, meds are necessary to counteract the effects of the symptoms?
I, then, took a step back...
First day into another round of adjustment...
I can't let me driving myself up the wall...
Would the whole 9 yards be stressful to the others as well?
Perhaps and perhaps not... yet such is not the correct question....
The question, perhaps, should be... what can you get out of it other than testing your own stress management skills under the influence of medication?
I might love feeling my own presence... but... some part of it has to change... and I have to let go... except I have no idea what and how...
On my way home, I walked passed this young man... a stranger... with a serious look... solemn, perhaps... staring into some other direction... my existence might not even entered into his reality...
The look...
A simple having nothing to do with me look...
Triggered... or... perhaps... tapped into them fearful dasein moments... fear... harm... death...
You react to it...
You say to yourself... fleeting moments of dasein that you could not escape...
You can't help wonder whether it is the memories of the past being brought forth or many it is just an interpretation... perhaps... the dasein was not in memory but in the making...
It gives you a scare...
You tell yourself to stop... resuming to the strangely disassociated state.... an plausible indicator of over drugged...
You walk on and live on... trying to let go of da dasein...
So you think of what came to your mind yesterday... fear feeds fear....
You type out your fear... wondering whether with the key strokes... the release of da dasein.... no scenario involved... with nothing as the trigger....
Let go... so says my head... if only I know how da to let go.... 8-O lol sigh
Regardless... you can... you thank and you move on... because that's the only way to move... I guess... 8-O lol sigh
Didn't let go... wishing for a hope... thinking one day they might put in some efforts or a miracle to happen to make things work... until they finally let me go... 8-O lol sigh
Staring at them blue documents for the department of Homeland Security.
I ponder... it this but another of of them stand-by-your-man phenomenon?
Last ex is in town and just called me up wanting to meet up with me...
Funny how the call came two days after I made my posting concerning him...
To begin with, I am not really in a mood or don't really have the energy to spare to mingle with strangers nowadays especially this kind of stranger...
Secondly... I never thought I have to have anything to do with him again for the rest of my life since he lives all the way in Arizona...
In any case, he called me up while I was searching for a perfect picture of a squirrel.... a squirrel without a nut because I am already too much of a nut... 8-O lol
After the phone call, I made some personally reflection in my private blog... and came to the conclusion that men are strange.... and at least this would be a good chance for a closure...
Then, right after I posted that piece, there were fireworks... beautiful fireworks.... over the sky.... (not my hallucinations.... real fireworks....)
As if, good job... let it go... good job...
I might be a dumb dumb and slow like a turtle and nothing smart... at least I am trying as hard as I can to grow in the capacity that I have been afforded....
At the same time, bad timing... bad timing... shall mama be here, at least can make him take mama and I to a damn expensive dinner.... (on a second thought, maybe I shall suggest a Friday night dinner at Tavern on the Green since I have never been there anyways? 8-O lol Na... let's keep it simple and short given conservative principle)
I do believe though that things do happen for a reason so that I could grow out of it.
In the way meanwhile, let me go back and whack some more mafia.... 8-O lol
Also, interestingly, talk is cheap... interesting...
I don't live in a vacuum--- of course, money matters.
Although one of my childhood dream was to own a share of Berkshire A, today, I sold my sole share of Berkshire B to cover my expenses.
It took a lot of processing time for me to hit the sell button.
You see, when the market is all rosy and seems to be going upwards, you would like to keep it longer to see it rise along with the wave of the rising tend.
When the market is down and like many others struggling to rise from the low end, you don't want to sell it because you know that historically.... the current price is not at the peak point.
There will never a good point to sell it.
Yet, sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.
After I hit that sell button, all competing rationales dissolved because it was a point when arguments turn nonsensical.
This might sound as if the processing time involves only the time approaching the sale...
Yet, in reality, it took months if not years for me... including them days and nights of either having too many or close to no thoughts.... to gracefully accepting that "hitting point."
Consider the dealing of the issue about whether the permanent damages to my knees might be compensated or not as part of the preparation or vice versa...
In either case, although it takes work, I don't really know what the work entails....
For either case, I am gradually learn to cling to one principle...
Getting all upset is harmful to my health and stupid, especially if these are things I can get upset not about....
What you have. You have.
What you are supposed to let go. Let go.
Easy to say then done especially when I have no inkling what the hell it means to let go. 8-O
So says the Chinese... preparing for the rainy days.... consider it is raining now and thank God, I guess, other than some minor inconveniences... it ain't feeling quite that bad... 8-O lol
And, what is wrong about selling investment to cover tuition as well as room and board? I think it might have something to do with the sin called pride.
(I think this might be another one of those posting that will give me the.... "How did I get here?" kind of feeling tomorrow morning....)
One thing I figure so far is that it is not simply giving up.
It might have something to do with having the abilities to embrace all options, preferable or not....
And, when confronting with things not so preferable, you don't drive yourself to death into the dead end. Rather, you say to yourself... I am going to cling to my health... mental or not.
I must have mentioned before... sometimes I think all the random thoughts of mine entail are nothing but the process of recovery.
Recovery is a strange process... Like life itself, at times you see the rosy garden with due positivity; yet, sometimes, out of nowhere, something as minor as a fly swings by and you are reminded of the path you have traversed so far. And, you see yourself back to ground zero. From there, you manage to level up again.
I have often pondered... I must have really severe learning disabilities in learning some essential life's lesson. This is why God decided to grant me a chance to experience total disabilities through some ridiculously simple fall from a collapsed chair... So speaks for the unbearable inconsequential-ness, if not lightness, of life...
Through out my blogging career, so far, I have found myself switch from a war lord to a I-don't-quite-yet-know-what with the I-don't-quite-yet-know-what partially defined as a fighter-no-more. In retrospective, I guess, while da war lord prides itself in the attempt conquer all obstacles towards total freedom, in reality, it is but a manifestation of me incarcerated by them unidentified anger.... boiling boiling and boiling inside...
Good or bad? I am not quite sure. The only thing I know is that, possibly, when letting go of the never-ending fights, you could be afforded with more time to live although I am not quite sure, still, what it means to let go.
So tonight, I took this fellow Taiwanese lady to see the free and outdoor screening of "The Barber of Seville" at Lincoln Center.
Among thousands of others, I sat there like a good girl quietly watching the show.
At some point, I looked around and saw the beautiful city surrounding, that almost full moon hanging over the city as well as, above, the big cloudless sky.
Suddenly, memories of the past struck me....
More accurately, the memories flashes by so fast that I could hardly recognised with the comedy in the foreground and background as well.
It was the past of how about three years ago when I pledge to go to see all them operas in the Met... getting them standing room tickets wishing for an orchestra seat after the intermission.
Them beautiful years of being elegantly and blessedly ignorant while lamenting, as usual, about the Micky mouse grade inconveniences of life... How grand is that?!
I found my eyes watering at some point, pairing with da emotions, which were, earlier in the day, nowhere to be found. Secretly I wiped it off for such manifestation of affect doesn't really match up with the unfolding happy ending... although them dasein stubbornly linger til this point.
Why such reactions? I am not quite sure... Perhaps, it is motivated by the grief for what could not be reclaimed. All other interpretations fail... I am simply insane. 8-O lol
So I eventually went ahead and took my night time meds.... waiting for them to start slowing down them processes of thought generation...
Annoying still... daily routine-- to grow from cognitive setbacks... Some micro version of recovery processes... I guess....
Just found out that the last posting on this old dog marked the 1000th posting of this blog...
Interestingly, after all these times, I still have the feeling that Ratology Reloaded is still not the Ratology blog... one I took down as per recommendations of my voices right before I went into the hospital the very last February.
The beginning of Ratology Reloaded could be considered as, how should I put it, perhaps the bottom of my life so far.... in the sense that I was far more severely disabled both mentally and physically and I was feeling far more confused than now although it ain't like confusion is nothing in my department.
The recovery process hasn't been easy and it is nothing smooth....
Both mental and physical conditions have gotten better and worse during this time.
However, I suspect that one thing that might have changed since 1000 posting ago is my developing ability to let go...
Letting go doesn't mean giving up for me...
Letting go doesn't mean that I don't want no nothing no more....
Letting go, for me personally, means I am now feelin happy with simplicity as opposed to da yester-me.... who was never-ending-ly trying to expan my knowledge base.... psychology, technology, e-commerce, or measurement and evalution.... There was never enough.... and there doesn't seem to be an ease way to integrate what I have accumulated--- them knowledge in them different domains.
Sometimes I think maybe the fall was a message from God.... telling me that the never-ending expansion has to come to a halt, if not an end.... the insatiatible pursuit of knowledge....
The fall itself did not bring forth a drastic paradigm shift. It did grant me access to some more alternative contexs.
It is recently when I finally find myself to prefer and to feel comfortable to prefer simple commen sense over thoughts with too many layers of complexities.
It is living through this "pending" state of mine did I realise that I have made it relatively sane in pending.... In other words, I am capable of taking my health and life seriously.
The day I cut the check for the Department of Homeland Security....
I think...
How ironic....
Sort of like what they say... It is the worst time and it is the best time.
Whether it is the current state of neurotransmitters talking only or not...
Lessons learned so far.... in relatively good health... the simple pursuit of happiness...
When I was trying to fall asleep last night, I found the usual suspects reconvene again...
I laid there trying to fall asleep but can't fall asleep... while facing da hammering sound in the back ground of the right side of my head...
That sound I have no control over might have gotten me a scare because, thereafter, I found this sense of fear rising....
Could this hammering sound and da train station be alternative versions of auditory hallucinations? I don't know... Yet, they surely are distressing...
Then, that tightening of the esophagus thing came up again... Might have some thing to the merging sense of anxiety or did it?
Adding one more pillow seemed to work yet only so much... for... at some point, I was hit by da dry mouth thing again...
I got up, took a piece of dried peach, down some more of the water, resisted to pop da sleeping pill, and, went back to bed wishing the sleep will arrive eventually since I have to make it to my class today...
Although sleeping is essential in maintaining my health, especially mentally, I usually do not resort to sleeping pills unless I am tossing and turning for at least 2-3 hours in bed...
After getting up twice and some more tossing and turning with hammering in the head, esophagus spasm and extreme dry mouth on the side, I guess... I must have fell asleep since I did wake up this morning... 8-O lol sigh
Could I be overdosed again? I suspect but I am absolutely not sure since the dosage did get lowered less than 2 months ago... Yet, I do feel that I am walking around feeling much detached from the external world... which usually is an indicator for overdose....
At the same time, all these night time activities are starting to lead me to wonder... more...
Why the night time dramas of my boring life?
And, I thought of those days of Jackal and Hyde... when I was walking around looking like any ordinary person during the day but couldn't shake the habit of experiencing the delusional nightmare awake in the night....
Why in the night?
Why between awake and sleeping?
Could it be true all them psychoanalytical talks?
Could it be that part of my psychic is really being blocked so well that it could only have itself, in the night, when all control is let go, manifested?
Then I sat through the class... talking about segregation, desegregation and resegregation.... poverty and low SES....
Then I sat there hearing about the challenges involved in teaching when the learners speak no English...
And, with the scenarios presented, I saw in my mind this five-year-old being handcuffed-- taken to the precinct...
To myself I thought... I did wake up in the morning...
I love people.... condition by the theta parameter... their ability to not get on my nerve.... 8-O lol
So... life's circumstances must have brought forth higher degree of anxiety and I must have this propensity to internalize my anxiety, which gets manifested as depression...
In other words, I saw myself gradually went into depression, hit the bottom and found myself eventually moving myself out of it one step at a time.... this past few weeks...
Then, there was this day.... when I thought to myself...
I don't know what it is that I am carrying with me or whether there is anything that I am carrying on my shoulder... even if it is only the air pressure...
One thing I knew was it was too heavy for me to carry on...
The unbearable heaviness of da lightness in life, I guess...
So I thought to myself... at some point, I might just need to give up....
The matter of the fact is that all that I wanted to do was just to give it all up... whatever it might be or whether it ever exists...
Then, this voice said to me... (ya, my auditory hallucination)... something like...
"You can give up everything but you could not give up on people."
Point taken.
For all else I have not.... I have people who me care and who me love.... I should never give up on them who I love....
So, if you ask me how I have eventually and gradually pulled myself away from the dungeon of depressive symptoms mixed with anxiety... manifested in amotivation...
Chances are... it is love....
And, perhaps, it was not me who had carried me through all these time... it is them loving people who me carried...
So I sent an email to this very last jackass from hell 4-5 years apart from me...
So I thought to myself... cease the fire, stop the anger and let go of the grudge...
For... I don't particularly like the dark side and all I need is love to... I guess... show me the light... (and, of course, a full time job, good pay so that I can take my mama and daddy for trips everywhere... 8-O lol)
Whit
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Whit sounds like wit and according to dictionary.com, it means
a particle; bit; jot (used especially in negative phrases).
I have changed not a whit. I do...
A dream: Backpacking
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On my way back from NYC to Taipei in April, I managed to get myself an
extended layover (over 2 weeks) in Japan, landing at and exiting from the
Narita Air...
Ratprincess in Technology not lost?
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Given my sick-in-the-headness, sometimes it's hard to trust my LTM. Did
Ratprincess in Technology really exist or was it my false memory?
As I was marv...
Traces of the past
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A link I found that has been live online from the Down with Meds age.
Apparently, the past has always been there whether I knew it or not.
So, I decided to check it out this one and only article on this planet that cited my writing... and why I was cited...
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