Lessons learned: including "Who told your to invade my head?"

One breakthrough in my coping mechanism with the symptoms (people could read my mind and I could sense their presence etc....)--> "I am not responsible for my psychotic symptoms."  and "Who told your to invade my head without permission?"

Unfortunately, there is no standard interventions for my own symptoms.  Some might work for a while and, all of a sudden, doesn't work.  My coping so far... a constant processing of finding out the things that might work.

Taking symptoms such as people could read my mind and hear my thought thing...

You could tell yourself that... it is but your symptoms.  Yet, good luck with that... if you could win it over this way, they wouldn't have been coined as pathological.

If you don't give a bag of beans about how others feel, you could simply run your mouth on and on at them "unauthorized intruders in your head."  End results, other people might find it difficult to get your attention and find your head all flaky...  This might be the same reason why, sometimes on the street, you hear people all of a sudden yelling at you for no good reason.

Yesterday, for instance, as I was walking down Broadway, this woman came towards me and yelled... "Keep on playing your game!!"

I went... "8-O you could see them people accessing my head without authorizations and you are actually speaking to them?"  (So speak for the synergistic effect of putting two together... 8-O lol sigh)

At the same time, others might feel bad when not-so-nice thoughts would come into their head.  They might feel bad that the not-so-nice thoughts might be known by other people and hurt their feelings.

This is one of my worst enemy... For the longest time, I felt bad when not so nice thoughts would emerge and might hurt the receivers' feelings.... and your know your condition is going down south when it goes from singular to plural because, when you start to feel the presence and hear the voices of many people, your head starts to reenact things like the three kingdoms... 8-O lol sigh

And this is the time when you have your meds up... like what I have to do.. with the minor inconveniences I have to face when going to bed... In addition to them symptoms who have a bad habit of showing up left and right in all forms while you let go of your cognitive control when trying to fall asleep, extremely dry mouth, the sensation of the esophagus getting all tightened up and the body jerking up and down in bed as if a life fish out of water on a chopping board....

Life used to be much easier... you pop the meds, it knocks you down and put your asleep.  The worst thing could happen is for you to feel all dumb all days... none of them physical kinda stuffs... sigh

Then, the light ball went off earlier today and I realized that one way of responding to these kind of incidence is to say to myself...

"I have no control over my symptoms otherwise they will not be called pathological symptoms.  In addition, my head is my head and who the hell are you to intrude my private thoughts... pathological or not.  That should teach you a lesson being beaten up by my disordered thoughts left and right."

(Remember... the reason why symptoms are symptoms is because of the intrinsic bias patients have towards the disordered thinking.)

Then I thought of what that strange doctor of mine said to my over 2 years ago...

"放下" or, in English, "Let go."

I could not understand what exactly I have to put down and, today, I bet, the doctor might have no idea either except for he simply knows that is what I have to do.

Since then, I have learned to let go of many things... although I am still not quite sure what I have to learn to let go.

The most recent thing that I learned to let go is to let go of the control over my symptoms... as mentioned in the previous part of the writing.  I have to learn to let the symptoms to simply be symptoms while finding the least stressful way of reacting to them.  (And, of course, it is easier to say than to do... react not...)

In addition, in my previous life, people mostly could not tell that there is anything not so normal about me... until the point of the accident when I fell free from a collapsing chair in sitting position.

From then on... till today... it is just a normal part of my life to walk abnormal and go into abnormal states.  At this point, when it occurs... whether it is my limping around... sleep walking... experiencing excruciating pains migrating through my body as I take my walk ... etc... It is just the way it is so let it be.  And, hopefully, if I let it run through... I will be able to walk out of it.... and luckily, I have been able to walk in and out of strange states so far....

Essentially, I am regressing back to the mean and simply need to fill the quota.... Nowadays, I am having a paradigm shift in my MO... pretending no more... trying no more to act like them people-- normal... though I still do have my boundary and though I have no idea what it really means to act normal. 8-O  Somehow, something tells me that this is what it takes... I simply have to do it and get it over with.

Of course, God knows whether any of these thoughts are intuition or delusions...  Everything shifts and morphs all the time...  Along this line of thinking... I have given up trying to figure out how sane or insane I might be.  Somehow... no need no more.... unless... insufficient cognitive capacity.  In addition, the want to figure it out make you think and convoluted thinking drive you even nuttier.

In addition, this idea just came to me yesterday.... what about creative writing? 8-O

Post for the New Year's eve

On my way home from my daily walk, as I was yawning involuntarily in my sleep walking state down Broadway, NYC, I heard this guy passing me by said...  "Disgusting."

I kept walking on and let my body finish up with the yawning routing... naming... mouth opening and closing.... and so on...

And, I let these words out simply out of my mouth without disturbing anyone... hopefully... "You are disgusting."

And... move further on.

Such captures some essential lessons learned this year.

I would have stopped right here except for something tells me to say more.... therefore, I decided to copy the following from my internal journal posted 2 days ago.

This has been a strange year in the sense that....

I spent hundreds of hours sleep walking.... mostly on Broadway.... in and out of psychotic episode grade of sleep walking... hundreds and a mile... in between... yawning, tearing.... trying to keep my eyes not closing.... floating around in the sea of hallucinations and delusions.... as well as the never-ending waking-up moments.  (Thank God. 8-O)

I also spent hundreds if not thousands of hours... swinging... to make sure the existence that is in gazillion a piece not breaking apart.

In addition, it had come to my realisation that... what I usually thought as intuition might be more than what is commonly considered as intuition.....

So I have often said... my intuition blah blah blah... therefore I blah blah blah... to follow my intuition.

Then, there were times when I tried to follow the intuition not (to defy? 8-O lol sh....)... thinking to myself... I could plow it through... like what I used to be able to... and, I realised... I simply could defy the force what I thought as intuition not.



Sort of like... da illusion of control... spoken of by da turtle... 8-O lol

Get to the core now.... to link all other categories together... simple or simply love.



Happy New Year and a happier New Year!

Friction

Had to finally start putting the supplementary documentations together and try to build a case...


Following the suggestion of my "intuition," I got rid of some records to keep things shorter... given my extensive clinical experiences both physically and mentally....


The first step call "starting" is the toughest part...


I found myself procrastinating... possibly as an act of my defense mechanism... not wanting to go through with it....


I had to talk myself through... "Good girl... You are procrastinating... Let's start putting it together and get done with it OK?


Once you start... you go through all the records... you revisit that painful past one page at a time... one source at a time...


And... you are through with it... coming out with a thought...


Umm.... it seems like I am not the only person really confused about what the hell is going on or has been going on.... or, maybe simply my own misinterpretation... 8-O  lol


Now... Time to summarize it all... still work in process...


The whole process... reminding me friction in physics... you overcome the friction... and you keep on moving on smooth surface....


And, it ain't like me got no insight about what all these efforts are to amount to...



Buying time... so I have been told... and sometimes I think... the time bought is for me to recover... back to the comments of my doctor back in Taiwan...


I asked... "What is the timeline for my recovery?"


So replied the doctor, "Depending on your efforts."


"What should I do?"



"Keep on doing what you have been doing and what helps."


So I spent the whole summer of 2008 doing nothing more than continuing working on learning to walk.


Regardless the outcome... I will be making the best use of the time I bought to recover.... What is the point? All else could or could not work out... that should be the core purpose.


And, this process... reminding me of the process of working on my dissertation... guidance could be sought except for you are the one who has to figure out how you are going to get things work... except for...


You can drop your school and keep on living.


Yet, you do not have the option of dropping your own life's dissertation... for... it's your life... and you can't even hide... 8-O lol sigh


On a second thought... no wonder I kept on having this feeling that something ain't quite right with that completed dissertation of mine... something told me the entire time that the purpose of it is to integrate what I had done and learned so far... Yet, I simply couldn't find a way to integrate it all... And, the matter of the fact, it took getting rid of 2/3 of the excessive data to get it done...


The way it goes... don't tell me that what is required to get this life's dissertation done is to let go of it all... what I once tried so hard to retain and to integrate..... except for da 200 million worth of mega million jackpot, the winning of the green card lottery (8-O), the stupid husband that couldn't find me yet and doesn't know how much he loves me (damn... go get a GPS that works), that perfectly simple job, my craft shop, my happily-here-after life... maybe making 1-2 little ratprincesses as well...  and unfinished projects completed... 8-O lol

Affect

I told my shrink that my affect is mostly flat... especially when I am trying to think I guess...

When do you feel more affect?

I guess when I am chit-chatting with my friends when I don't have to use my head...

And... at dining table I laughed and laughed... rejuvenating like da 6-year-old... no nothing called affect...

So I thought of da something... some might call it intuition although I am not quite sure what exactly intuition is...

Attachment theory and da implications perhaps? Or psychoanalytic again??

So they me taught

Although I am not working, everyday I go to work on schedule... It was an intuition that tells me to do so... (once for a change when I know da ist not delusions 8-O lol sigh)

It has remained a naive theory of mine until I came across the following summarization of work-related literature today... something I might have come across earlier on as I was out of work due to my temporary total disability...

"...research have found that regardless the level of medical condition, it is better to keep people at work for when people are separated from their workplace, they and their families are at a higher risk of suffering from outcomes such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, social isolation, family dissolution… etc (Atkinson, Liem, & Liem, 1986; Hammarstrom & Janlert, 1997; Kaplan et al., 1987; Mrazek & Haggerty, 1994; Rahmqvist & Carstensen, 1998)." link


To be honest, from the very beginning, some part of me knew this is what I need to do to survive all the strange encounters such as esophageal spasm, dry mouth, mood swing, anxiety attack kinda symptoms etc...

So I thought... I am lucky... for, at least partially, my health saves by work... and, perhaps, what they, in school, had me taught.... 8-O lol

Green card lottery

Something told me all these times that...

The change is finally around the corner... however, it won't come until at least after my b day...

You could call it intuition, gut feeling, or delusions... however you want to name it...

So I waited... on submitting my application for the Green Card Lottery....

Only to find out... the deadline was December 1st--- thought it was the end of December... Yet, for my birthday--- it didn't wait... 8-O lol

So, as I was cursing myself out, this voice or thought came up to me....

Why bother? It wouldn't have been yours this way?

"Why bother?" So I replied to myself... " At least I could tell myself that... I tried but it was just not mine... "

So I thought.... no truer worlds... the future takes our participation (or lack of participation) to construct.... 8-O lol

Re. The stories

Why reaching out through the sharing the stories ?



Perhaps, it is true... it is better to give than to receive... for ourselves.... regardless what exactly we could give... or... self-preservation motivated by intuitions... can't really speak for the others but at least for my selves....

Simple as that....

Lost

I woke up from this dream this morning.... although only could recollect the last part...

I was supposed to be going somewhere while not knowing both where I was and where I was going....

A mirror scenario of something that happened on my first backpacking trip in Europe the summer of my freshman year...

I was staying in a small town with a family where even the local train doesn't stop... to get to this town from the train station, one has to pass a forest, moved further on before making a right turn and a few more turns before I could see the light in front of their house.

I arrived at their place in the night and didn't really get a good look at the road.

When I decided to go to Lucern 2 days after, I was so very excited about the whole thing.. I was not even paying attention about how I was going to come back....

So I spent a good day touring in Lucern...

So I was getting back from Lucern so that I could make it "home" to join this family to have some "horse meat".... except for, after I got off from the express train coming from Lucern and at this station from which I needed to catch the local train.... I forgot where I was supposed to go...

I had no recollection about the name of the town I was staying at or the name of the town where the train would arrive.... worse of all, I did not have their telephone number with me, I had no idea where I was, I might have even forgotten their name, and, my passport was in my backpack in the safety of their house... 8-O

I remember that the day kept on getting darker and darker... more and more strange people started to gather around that train station...

I looked diligently into the train schedule but simply could not recall anything about the name of the town where I have to go....

I locked myself in the telephone booth... flipping through one page after another.... wishing miracle would happen and I could find the contact number of da family...

It must have been 2 hours since this young Asian girl in the suburb of Lucern locked herself in the telephone booth and, with one hand, holding on to da Swiss army knife in her pocket... also... must be looking anxiously lost...

Then, this man on the bike approached me...

I had tried to ignore him at the beginning...

Then, he revealed to me that he was once in Asian or maybe in Taiwan... Then, he asked me what I was looking for and where I was going...

I told him about my dilemma...

The two of us, then, looked into the schedule and try to get the destination figured out.... to no avail...

Then, the guy working for the station joined our venture....

I forgot how exactly and eventually we figured out where I needed to go... and the next train to arrive was some time around 8 o'clock....

When the train arrived, I kept on walking from one cart to the other... all carts seemed so empty... so I kept on walking until I found a seat not to far from an older lady...

After I arrived safely at the designated station, I got off the train.... into the dark...

There was no one by the station and it was already sometime past 9 in the evening...

In my head, I must have thought... how am I gonna get pass the forest this hour in the night in total darkness when having no idea at all how to get back to that family...

So, gripping to da knife in my pocket, I moved around in red alert....

At some time, I saw a car in the distance....

I was thrilled... thinking... maybe it is this family that had come to fetch me...

I walked closer and closer only to find out that... it was not them...

It was a man with his car...

What shall I do... so I must have thought to myself...

So, still clinging to da knife in my pocket, I walked to his window... trying to explain to that man about my problem...

The man stopped me and said something like, "I am here to pick up my daughter. She could speak better English..."

So the daughter arrived, we spoke, they put me into their car, and, we drove on...

The next problem we had to face was...

Although the town is neither small nor big.... where exact was I going?

I tried to recollect myself...

I thought of something that might be or might not be useful... a landmark that might be or might not be a landmark...

I said, "I remember a building with the word 'Floral' writing across."

So, all three of us, in the dark, and, perhaps, in rain, riding in the car... cross the dark forest... looking for Floral....

We kept on driving but did not spot it... and we kept on driving till we reached the next town...

So we turned around... with them accompanying me patiently looking all over again for Floral....

So we found that building and I asked them to drop me at the entry of the driveway towards the residential area... for I thought... I have troubled them enough...

So they dropped me there...

So I walked on... not even sure whether that was the place to be dropped off while trying to recall the turns they might have made the day they brought me to their house....

So, with my "peripheral" memory, I made one turn, two turns, and far more turns until the final turn when I was supposed to see something like a red light.... and so I saw....

I rang the bell...

The daughter answered...

The parents were still out having their horse feast...

I sat down on my sofa bed...

I was, for the first time during the whole 9 yards, in shock... 8-O lol

So she brought me a bottle of red wine.... I must have down it like there was no tomorrow...

I crashed...

In the middle of the night I woke up again... still in shock and not understanding how I made it back....

So, just when I started to type out what I really experienced in reality, I came to realize that... far more scarier is reality to life.... 8-O lol

By the way, at some point in the dream, I remember myself worrying about them three doggies not on leash might go wondering around and get lost...

How you might have this piece analyze... so they say... it is up to the device of your own mind....

For me, perhaps, the message is that... even in the most impossible situation... follow your intuition and trust the goodness in people... for when we look for the goodness in the others... even more goodness will be revealed.... even though, the goodness of people could only carry you so far... the last mile is yours to walk...

Also, expect not all under the Myst to be uncovered at once... rather... look for one resolution at a time...

At the same time... did I get lost? To be honest, I did not really get lost for... how could one get lost when one doesn't know anything about the place at all? 8-O lol

Then, I thought of da forest... I thought of this quote from Dante's Divine Comedy that I read earlier today...

In mezzo del camin di nostra vita

Mi ritrovai per una selva oscura

Che la diritta via era smarrita

E quanto a dir qualera e cosa dura

Questa selva selvaggia

In the midpoint of this journey that is our life

I found myself passing through a dark forest,

The right path through which had disappeared

And what a hard thing it is to speak of that savage forest

And, of course, me da professional lost soul in limbo.... except for... what did I lose, what have I lost and how am I supposed to prepare myself for the future?

Gift? 8-O

I have been working very hard on trying to catch up with my class readings... and finally got done with this book titled Inner Work.

It was not like I had preferred to be playing scrabble night and day whenever I had free time rather than doing my reading...

Rather, some part of me had told me that it was not yet time and I have to put these books down until the time is ready for the contents of these reading might get my alternative selves to much room to roam....

Then, it was about 2-3 weeks ago when I got the OK from... what you might call intuition or even delusions to start reading the Art of Possibility....

Then, afterwards, I started to go through the chapters in this book titled Inner Work... a book about using dreams and active imaginations to tap ourselves into the unconscious...

While reading this book, especially the part about Active Imaginations, I couldn't help but wonder... how on earth would people try to put themselves into a state that I could escape not...

For me, what is being described in them scenarios are synonymous to my delusions and hallucinations...

At the same time, the concept of having multiple selves residing in one is one I have long pondering about....

Regarding listening to the unconscious speak... didn't I postpone the readings all the way up till 2-3 weeks ago when my voices told me that it is time to start doing so?

Then, I realized... perhaps, it is a gift... in disguise... while others, presumably, have to try so hard to tap into their unconscious thought, my delusions and hallucinations simply spring up left and right on their own schedule .... 8-O lol

I didn't do it

Something really strange to me happened today...

I was in a situation which made me wondered... is that "sleeping disorder" I recently acquired contagious? 8-O

Could it be true that I really have acquired some known talent through them swinging activities?

Then, I thought with a relief... even shall that be true... so what? Nature has set its policy on me... and I could do no harm.... 8-O lol

This thing... I guess I would call "intuition" came up to me...

It was not me.

Perhaps, there truly are people with "special talents".... and it is them... I didn't do it... 8-O lol

Then, I thought again... since now nature is bounded by the policy it set on me... my existence could result in no harm to anyone....

I felt happy.... and....

Hopefully, this time, the whole harm thing is not gonna ship me down to the cuckoo cuckoo's nest....

Of course, this belief that there are someone else out there.... was another belief I developed before my last institutionalization in February....

And, as I was reading the above link... for the first time did I realize that... I seem to have been doing that sleep walking through for longer than I am aware of...

Bird day

After a good 10 hours sleep, I got up and went to the park to do some exercises....

Don't know how long into my exercise.... at some point, I saw a blue bird flying to the tree in front of me.... whether it stopped or not, I forgot.... and, in no time, it flew away...

The only thin I remember about that blue bird is that... first, it was blue and second, it has this punk kind of hairstyle on its head... and it was black...

Then, I saw a different bird... sort of smaller than sparrow or maybe baby sparrow...

Later, I found a whole lot of a different kind of birds all around in the trees... the only thing I know about them is they are not pigeons, sparrow and the other kind of bird I often saw in the city... (it seems like the description I could give you is just getting vaguer and vaguer.... 8-O lol)

In any case, I started my day exercising in the park... hearing birds singing and flying everywhere as well as staring at them pigeons and spirals for some time.

In the middle of the day, I went to St. John the Divine, did some more of that yawning and falling asleep kind of thing...

At some point, I started to feel energy coming down from my head and moving through my body... It felt as if it were trying to do something to the left side of my head... right side of my head... and both. Towards the end, there was this feeling... sort of like all boundaries gone and also sort of like I was floating.... Then, at some point, while my eyes closed, I saw visions of light in the sky and doves flying towards me.... Of course, I also heard them voices, too... All these were interrupted by the flash light of a guy who was trying to take pictures in the church.... 8-O lol

As I got up and started to move away.... this voice came... "All these are illusions if not hallucinations." 8-O lol

Then, I went back to the park as per direction of my.... I guess what you would call... intuition...

So I exercised again...

They were not big movements but quickly got me all sweaty from head to toe.

Towards the end, I had the realization that some of them movements sort of make me feel like a fledgling bird strengthening its body while learning to fly... Possibly, these kinds of movements also help to release chi or energies fast.... whatever...

In addition, I also did my laundry and did quite a bit of food shopping for the day....

Voice-wise or thought-wise....

This thought that kept on coming to me recently also spoke up today....

It takes a psychotic and a real Fool (ya. with capital F) to live through all these days because voices are voices and delusions are delusions. At the same time, it took all them yawning and waking up to reset my head.

Whether it is true or not, we will see in time....

And, another strong feeling or thought I had for the whole day is.... "food... food....meat"....

So I got myself fruit, veges and meat.... at various points in the day...

For dinner, I got myself asparagus, meat and fruit....

One more new sentence that kept on coming up was...

"The bubble burst." (Might have to do with what one mentioned one day about them bubbles)

Then, I thought...

Perhaps today I am finally hatched... this is why I kept on wondering around looking for food... and meat.... and no wonder I used to live in the cuckoo cuckoo's nest various times... 8-O lol

One more thought that came back while I was browsing through food in a shop was... "Do no harm." Something that has the propensity to occur when I was on my way back to the nest... 8-O lol

And, by the way, them voices and delusions were not as proliferate today.... might have something to do with the feeling that I just keep on waking up.... 8-O lol (while, that intuition thing tells me... them sleeping moments are needed though, if I sleep through the day, it might make it difficult for me to sleep in the night... lol)

Sorry if there seems to be a lack of them flow in this posting.... such be the my writing under the influence of "minus cognition," I guess.... Sort of like how I used to feel when over-drugged... though I am still on the same dosage that I have been diligently taking on a daily basis...

It would be interesting though to see how tomorrow unfolds...

Ice age: the cracking down

Got to work early... did a bit of the software installation thing for them laptops...

Since nothing urgent to perform, I followed the direction of my body to go into the office and started doing some of my swinging thing....

Started slowly as usual... then, there came the time when I sensed this "clicking" in my neck.... something sort of ordinary nowadays since, during the movements, the neck seems to have the tendency clicking up everywhere...

If you have seen a chiropractor... you would know that click...

Then, my torso went into sort of a quieter mode... while the thing called my head which is above my neck started turning around....

From then on... I heard cracking sound here and there everywhere in my head... from left to right, from front to back, and from top to down....

You see... if this cracking sounded like from the lower part of my head, I would have assumed it as the sound originating from my cervical spine or even the breaking up of them wax in my ears...

Yet, when it goes much higher up.... aren't there supposed to be nothing but them tofu encapsulated in my skull?

So, unless the part of my brain that process sound was going out of whack, where did the sound come from?

So... it occurred to me... gees... could it be it is them 29 bones in the skull that are cracking up?

So the head and neck slowly moved while I heard crack here-- crack there-- crack crack everywhere... up to a point when I started to feeling that something in my head started to crack down.... resulting in the release of them cold and icy cold chi coming down from my head to my entire torso and limbs...

When I said it is ice cold.... it is ice cold on the inside.... and it was the absolute opposite of the experience of being a ball of fire.....

Then coldness came down so fast that it felt as if the lung, tranche and bronchi have also been frozen... I tried to exhale yet I couldn't quite get the icy air out of my system.... and I realized that... it was so much easier to get them fiery heat out than them icy cold...

Feeling the whole person coming down to a frozen state.... I intuitively thought to myself... I need to smoke a cigarette..... somehow... it would make me feel a bit better....

It did help me to get my tranche out of the frozen state..... at least, temporarily...

Getting back to the office, not only was my body all frozen, the esophagus was getting all dried (?)...

Something told me to drink warm water and a lot of warm water.....

And, I went back to do some more of them swinging.... while, not only were the extremity of my limbs were cold.... it felt as if the coldness was coming out from all over my body.... towards the time when the coldness even gotten evaporated out of the head itself.... and, at times, it felt as if the cold actually came shooting out of my ears...

So I moved from one place to another--- in search for a warmer spot... yet such pursuit was of no use because that icy kind of coldness was being expelled from myself...

After work, I eventually arrived at the park.... where starting from the icy cold stage, I eventually started to feel the warmth in the back while in the front, still, icy cold....

At some point, the body started to circle around and around again.... as if it is trying to speed up the letting go of them cold air through them spinning around....

After a stop, my body got back to doing its moving around again....

So my body spun, spun, spun and kept on spinning.... faster, faster and even faster.... Before my eyes, I saw no trees, no park, no building and no nothing anymore.... as usual, all that I saw were horizontal lines.... piling up on top of each other.... as a result of the speed...

Then, I heard this gentleman's voice, "Are you OK?"

Amazingly, I heard how I had responded to him with my own usual voice while kept on spinning around in high speed....

"Yes, I am fine. Thank you." 8-O lol

And, I kept on spinning.... till it was time to finally slow down and stop... and maybe started doing them circling or spinning around again till it ended.

If you ask me what is most memorable during today's spinning activities and how it differs from the other days....

It is that icy cold that descends from my head down to the rest of my body....

At certain point, as I was spinning around, it felt as if there are ice tubes going from my forearm down my palm.... while them icy air tried to escape through my hands.... the new just kept on, from my head down, descend....

In addition, as the cold air started to come down, I found my body to start being in pain and in aches....

At that point, this term that had been hunting me for all these times resurface.... "Psychosomatization."

This is the best demonstration of psychosomatization.... and they have been right all these times.

When the frozen chi finally gets to be relief from my wacko head, it descended from the head and the body takes the hit.... trying its best to shake them icy cold chi off.... trying its best....

Then I though of what the doctor told me months ago.... Preparations.... and, Preparations ,

Then I though of all the ups and down that had happened since then as well as how my body had gradually come to spin at such speed.... preparation....

(And, as long as you don't ask what is preparing for what.... )

Then I thought how the voices and my intuition have been telling me that it is about time to start fixing my head...

Then I thought of this voice and thought that keep on whispering in my head these week or two...

冰凍三尺非一日之寒....

sort of like... it took more than one day's chill to result in the freezing ice that is three feet deep... or Rome is not built in one day.

And, I thought...

Perhaps, it is true that all things have a reason....

How I am going to be tomorrow and the next few days.... there is no way to predict except for waiting till then...

Yet, perhaps, without the ups and downs these 2 weeks or so, I won't be able to get to a point when my head started to crack down... for possibly, with them daily exercises getting a bit too habitual, my body won't be strong enough to take them icy cold....

As for them yawning etc moments.... perhaps, some part of the bad chi in the head is much easier to evaporate.... while other parts are just too resilient.... sort of like the ice that has been build up in the freezer a my casa.... (if you have seen it.... you would understand.... lol)

And, how funny life is....

It was yesterday when googling about my yawning did I read something like the following.... bad chi could be manifested as coldness in the hands and feet..... How would I have known otherwise.... 8-O lol

And, if it were true that the thick ice is really cracking down in that air head of mine 8-O lol, perhaps I really have been really head strong.... 8-O lol

Synchronicity

Having taken all the courses provided by my department this semester, I thought to myself.... man... what course should I take....

Thinking about all those form not form and time no time kinda moments I have been experiencing recently....

Remembering why some literature found some positive correlation between patients growing out of pain and spirituality (although I am still not sure what its definition is)....

Recalling having seen a course with a title including the word "spirituality"....

I went ahead to look for that course and registered it for me... for, the good thing about taking courses to learn is that the professors would have collected all the current information in the field to give me a snapshot about the topic.

You see... at the beginning of the time, I had wanted to go into clinical psychology. Yet, I declined the acceptance of the one and one school that admitted me to the doctoral program and chose to roll in the master's program in developmental psychology instead.... which led my life towards a different path... and I ended up did a dissertation studying the usability of computer interface based on cognitive theories.

At the beginning, despite of my major in developmental psychology, I was in the research team of a professor in counselling psychology with a special interest in cross-cultural studies. By the time I got my doctor degree, I was in the program of instructional technologies while my advisor a cognitive psychologist.... As I am trying to get done with the Stats now, I ended up landing on a course offered by the Clinical and Counseling psychology program.... (thinking about it... no wonder I am schizo in soma and in phrenia... can't even put my study plan in one piece... 8-O lol)
So, today, I went to the first meeting for this course...

The topic being brought up was "synchronicity."

A topic that had been brought up in our research team before about 10 years ago sometime after the beginning of my study.

I still recall how I sat in the meetings... wondering why on earth we are talking about some absurd topic but not examining them "scientifically based research and theories."

I guess it was just not the right time and I was totally out of sync with that topic...

Then, almost at the end of my professional student career, I found myself back into a room filled with students wanting to get into the field of clinical and counseling psychology.

And, the topic of "synchronicity" got reloaded again....

The professor asked for volunteers to provide some scenario...

Finding no one else wanting to volunteer... I offered my story about... "back no good- visa denied-back better-over cane-visa issued" while, in the back of my mind, I was till getting a scare by what happened last night...

You see, I try to avoid working into the night or working for long hours nowadays because... my intuition says so... or more appropriately, my voices tell me so. 8-O lol

So, two weeks ago, yours idiot tried to do things over my body's limit and I was in pain and agony....

Yet, I did not learn the lesson quite so well...

Then, last week, yours idiot unwittingly overdid my body's limit again... This round, I was in pain, in burning heat, and, of course, in agony again....

So, I tried to learn the lesson...

But, alas, yours truly intuitively thought that extra cup of grande Mocha from Starbucks might got my body not happy... Yet, I drank it... and went through a night of horror that I just could not fall asleep...

At this point, even a slow learner like me is starting to wonder.... what could I not do to upset my body...

So, I try to be good... nothing icy, spicy, no excessive amount of caffeine, not working for too long without stretching, and "eat."

So, there came last night... where conditions breed upon conditions...

Someone else could not work and I agreed to work into the night till the gentleman came back.... condition # I.

Yet, into the early evening, another location of our division had some SOS... no one was yet present and I had to devise myself into twice-- overlooking both locations... condition #2.

Eventually, condition #2 was resolved... leaving only condition # I to be taken care of. Yet, at that point, I knew I had already gone over the limits that have been casted like spells upon me.

So, last night, as I was making my postings... I heard them noises from downstairs as usual despite the fact that I lived on the 6th floor...

At some point, I heard a girl screaming or yelling downstairs...

This strong sense of inclination force me to think... "She is screaming about my version 3 posting about that husband of mine."

Something told me... that was a genuine belief that I could not negate and the strength of that belief is equivalent to how it had been right before the time before, this February, when I went into the Cuckoo Cuckoo's nest...

Then, all those dark moments of pain and fear resurfaced from my memories... in short, people were reacting to contents I have been posting... in short, leading them wanting to do harm to the others and me...

It was as if the Pandora's box has been open and them delusions and hallucinations just kept coming back as memories and as themselves.... sort of like how it felt then...

So I took my meds and went to bed.... wondering what the night ahead was to unveil....

They, yet, just kept on coming back like waves hitting against the shore.. with them water so very salty rubbing the wound ever growing...

I begged to my mind and body....

I am sorry... I didn't mean to do it but just the circumstances... I am really sorry... I never mean to do it...

In scare and in pain, I guess I started weeping in the dark... apologizing and apologizing wishing that it would all come to a stop.

"I don't want to go back." So I said...

"I don't want to go back...." So I begged...

Then I heard...

"Don't worry... we will protect you. You are protected. It is just that... you have to go back...."

So it kept on coming till the time when the shield was up... shielding me away from the delusions and hallucinations... leaving me with only pain and hurt in my heart...

Eventually, it all came to an end...

It was all calm as if nothing ever happened... and, I guess, into my sleep I felt...

Then, in the morning up I woke, went to class, went to work and went to do my exercises after work....

Yet, never was there a moment did I switch off them antennas detecting signals for worsening mental health... though whether it could amount to any help is another issue a lesson reinforced by my last hospitalization...

Then, I got back to my room and started this posting about Synchronicity....

Up to the point when I was about to describe what happened last night...

I felt the presence of them delusions and hallucinations again... in the air....

I felt scared...

"Don't worry... we will protect you..." So I have been told by... I guess... my own body and mind.

So, I felt scared, hurt, and I felt the pain of the past....

They overcame me like flood and I burst into tears, like a baby, starting to cry....

So I said, "It hurts" and I cried.... and cried some more...

And, the voice me gently asked... "Doesn't it make you feel better?"

And, I thought.... now I feel the scare, the hurting, the pain and I cried....

However I could such psychoanalyze... it ain't matter any more...

The only thing I know is that... now I do feel better...

The matter of the fact is that...

I did think about them conditions and the propensity for conditions to breed conditions.... how familiar...


Then, as I browsed through the archive of my blog... reading them postings I made towards the House..... I found this intriguingly similarity between then and now... though too late to be elaborating on them for I shall be getting ready for my morning meeting with that psychiatrist of mine.... (God bless...)



One thing I do know that is different is.... revisiting this song.... I know I am never going to be alone... though here I go again on my own goin' down the only road I've ever known....

I also couldn't stop wondering... whether there really exist such thing called... La forza...

del destino...

of nature...

of life...

or of anything else of similar sort...

And... though I couldn't fight doubting what them voices me told...

I couldn't help pondering whether in such there exists some truth.... cheesy as it might sound...

What will come will come.... and sometimes you have to go back in order to move on.... when the time finally comes...

As I am ending this posting... after going through all them psychotically neurotic Dasein moments... for once me my voices or all things written in this posting to doubt not( or try not to)...

This question I have...

"Why am I a learner so very GDF slow?"

So flow the thought...

Nature's force....

So marks the end of my posting on synchronicity concerning a whole lot of God knows what and ya... my meds already popped... 8-O lol

P.S., And, whether I am going back to that institutionalizable grade or not as per evidence offered by contents of this posting for they are absolutely absurd... I guess we will see... sort of like the pondering about morning kinda condition....

Without a doubt?

I have to say... there is something I am envious of many people or the majority of people I have come acrossed... including me myself once upon a time...

What I am so very envious about is the absolute conviction about the significance of anything.

I had thought a debate of identifying fledgling psychopaths to be a crucial one...

I had thought that investigations of within group differences among Asian populations to be one mostly neglected and one of great importance...

I also had this conviction that usability research need to be grounded in cogent theories....

Then... I don't know when and I don't know how....

I find myself failing to see there is anything ever so important...

I find myself losing the ability to be like the people I see... and having difficulties to find absolute conviction on anything at all.....

And, I thought... must be nice to have that kind of convictions about the pursuits and beliefs people have in life... without a doubt...

It is envy I feel... I think... though, again, to myself I ask... is it without a doubt?

The moral of the lesson? The developmental outcome of growing up with my psychotic self... I guess... for, when hearing is no longer hearing and intuition could no longer be intuition, it is my survival instinct--- the significance of all things... to doubt... 8-O lol 8-X

還債- payback time

These past few weeks, this feeling grows stronger and stronger inside of me.... the time has come for me to really start paying back my debts--- regardless whether such feeling is pure delusion or intuition.

Although I have been paying my debts along the way, those were but Mickey mouse level kind of paying back... and what is ahead of me is the real payback time.

I don't know about you.

Yet, for me, it is pure good news since one thing I really could not let go of is the feeling that I have owed so many so much--- how could I pay them back for what I have been given?

So, as I stood on the balcony, staring at the streets down below---- thinking, perhaps, or, sort of, about the how and the who I am indebt of.

Then, this thought rose within me, speaking something like....

"Don't worry, you got the whole life ahead of you to pay back what you owe to the overall society--- let along those whom you could identify--- the individuals...." 8-O lol

(Thank God that the voice did not ask me to pay my debts to humanity as well... and, man, some manifestation of my grandiosity.... Speaking of 空空... 8-O lol)