Struggles and suffers

When going through one posting, I came across this word struggle...

Although many of them postings could be accounted for as some kind of struggling, I decided to take a look at how many times the word "struggle" and "struggling" occurred in my 1500+ postings, ended with me struggled only 42 (+ this one) postings,  suffered and its variations in 44 (+this time) postings, both struggled and suffered in 6 (+this one) postings... in a few contexts... including contexts referring to the others...

Didn't struggle and/or suffer too much, I guess? 8-O lol

Though, gotta say, when rereading them writings here, at times, I did get into peeling onion kinda dasein moments.. 8-X

2 days to June 19th

3 years is neither a long time nor a short time.

It is some time and the duration of time for some significant benchmark in my life.

It took me 3 years to get my junior and senior high school diploma.

I went to Taiwan university for 3 years.  Afterwards, I spent 3, in retrospective, interesting time in Vancouver, BC.

The most haunted 3 years in my life so far... would be the last 3 years minus 2...

I have not looked back for the longest time since, I guess, I always knew that, when the time comes, I will look back.  Before that, let me keep going while trying my best to smell the roses along the way.

Sort of like how the song went... "人說這人生　海海海海路好行　不通回頭望　望著會茫"... You might get too dizzy when looking back...

Today is the day for me to look back after paying St. John the Divine a visit earlier in the afternoon.

Somewhere in the afternoon of June 19th, 2007, I was in a meeting, eating a piece of raisin bran cookie.  The chair collapsed into one piece right underneath me.

The breaking point that set off a journey-- continuing-- into total physical disability and eventually mental disability with pains, struggles and sufferings as the collateral damages.

After I got home that night, my mama was really upset...

"Thank God it was me who took the fall.  Not anyone else at the meeting."

Gotta be Percocet talking... or my sheer ignorance about what is yet to unfold...

In retrospective, if the fall would have taken the same amount of toll on anyone else, I should have let someone else from outside of the college to take the fall so that they can get both worker's compensation and sue someone's behind... which I am not going to name, for negligence.  8-O lol sigh


The before denial state: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/06/life-and-its-unfolding-on-extraordinary.html
Painful expressions: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2008/01/painful-expression.html
At the very beginning: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/07/last-miles-to-house.html
2 Month Anniversary: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/08/when-to-yield.html

3 months and 1 day: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/09/3-months-and-day.html

Pain: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/11/pain.html

"Sit down. Go back to sleep. You. Me. And, Her.": http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/12/you-me-and-her.html

Heading towards cuckoo's nest: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2008/02/assumptions.html

Last posting before Down with Meds is taken down: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2008/02/blog-post.html

The Beginning of Ratology Reloaded blog right before I got myself shipped back into the Cuckoo's nest: http://ratologyreloaded.blogspot.com/2008/02/new-world.html

The rest... up to now... such as whatever in this blog... simply the process of recovery... and the associated inconveniences.

In the meanwhile, let me start giving a toast to da really bad hangover...

跟往事干杯/姜育恒

Don't know how people came up with words so fine....

乾杯　朋友就讓那一切成流水
把那往事　把那往事當作一場宿醉
明日的酒杯　莫再要裝著昨天的傷悲
請與我舉起杯　跟往事乾杯
舉起杯　跟往事　乾杯

A toast to the past and treat the not so easy past you would like to let go as a really bad hangover.... 8-O Nothing really to be proud of but that I know... bad hangovers... 8-O lol 8-X

So... 以茶代酒... I raise my cup of chamomile and lavender tea for a toast to a past I am forgoing.... especially the discard-able part of the past 3 years... the pains, suffering and struggles, which I am, maybe, finally, acknowledging... not to mention the cold air, esophagus spasm, the running a train station in my head and all other mental and physical conditions.

I am done suffering.... so suffering... go away.. go away... bad bad bad... go away... 8-O

My life from now on has to be simply joyful and happy since I think I am very much done with my quota.  8-O lol

God bless me, my house, all my family and all my lotteries. 8-O lol



跟往事乾杯
作詞：陳桂珠　作曲：長剛　編曲：陳志遠

經過了許多事　你是不是覺得累
這樣的心情　我曾有過幾回
也許是被人傷了心　也許是無人可瞭解
現在的你　我想一定很疲憊

人生際遇就像酒　有的苦有的烈
這樣的滋味　你我早晚要體會
也許那傷口還流著血　也許那眼角還有淚
現在的你　讓我陪你喝一杯

乾杯　朋友就讓那一切成流水
把那往事　把那往事當作一場宿醉
明日的酒杯　莫再要裝著昨天的傷悲
請與我舉起杯　跟往事乾杯
舉起杯　跟往事　乾杯

Silently Disabled

Revisited the concept of invisible disability again.

Silently Disabled: The everyday struggles of those with invisible disabilities | The Michigan Daily

For ordinary people, disability is an abstract concept.  A concept is something that comes into your head and goes away when out of sight, out of mind.

For people living with non-progressive disability, disability is a way of life that comes with a whole bundle of packages.

In addition, even you are disabled in your own way, sometimes your understanding of others could only go so far because... I can only draw references about your plight from my own experiences.  The experiences I have no idea about which I have been taught to be awful... all that I could do is to assign an empty awful tag and act accordingly.  For instance, I don't know what is RSD but since the lady seems to suffer a lot based on her report, it's gotta be awful.  However, this void tag and response could only go so far because, in split second, the label itself turn void and you forget what the label might entail.  At the same time, when she started to talk about pain and mobility issues... that I can connect with and now there comes a more meaningful sense of awfulness.

Also, after a certain point and million a time, you stop trying to explain because all starts to sound like simply an excuse to yourself.

The adjustment to disability itself is a process developing along with the actions and reactions in time and the context provided.

A common theme emerging.... from comparisons between incidence and indicators to indicators

Can't quite name the core yet though all others seem to interlinked to the core.

Yet, I have the feeling... almost time to see the regression line... if you know what I mean...

At the same time, what would be the implication of measurement and evaluation here?  A gateway towards compassion?  (A category might or might not link to the core.. pondering)

Another interesting thought... if I have so much problems doing thing as a result of my problems, why don't I simply stop trying?  (I didn't just think of that... 8-O lol)

A final note about my postings

Again, 99% of the times I have no idea what the heck it is in my head and that is coming out of my mouth, since I have been trained to not give a rat's ass about the products of my existence, my suggestion would be for readers to not quite care about my blah blah blah for fear of "the shining" effect.   8-O lol 8-X

Sort of like what they say about emerging and forcing...

Also kinda like the constant updating process of this post... what exactly are my thoughts trying to convey?  What do I care if not how could I care?  For... in time, it shall emerge... I guess? 8-O

What would be interesting to see though is... if theory is a process... what's your theorizing process?

Struggle

This thought came to me...

I have been struggling all these times.

Suffering. So I have been.

Then, I thought to myself... blowing my own struggling and suffering a bit too much? Am I?

Who doesn't struggle and suffer in their own capacity?

Rethinking how this worldview didn't really carry me too far away from them minor inconveniences in life...

So I rethought again...

Yes. I accept that I struggle and suffer here and there at times in different capacities.

I accept.

I do not intend to either blow up or discount my own experiences.

However, what good could any of these do for me?

Phobia-- dry mouth and can't sleep

Speaking of phobia... though out the past few days... I think that I was about to develop some kind about phobia about going to sleep..... at least up till last night... when I finally fall asleep...

This had been happening....

Every night... falling asleep has turned into a more drastic battle than I would like it to be...

More nights than I would like it to be... I would be lying in bed, tossing and turning-- tormented by xerostomia or this dryness in my mouth....

I got this sinus that came from no where... and I need to use my mouth to breathe...

Yet, or maybe as a result, the mouth would go dry and so dry... so dry that it felt as if there is no saliva at all....

For over an hour or two.... I lie there waiting.... for the time to come.... for me to wake up to a new day... a new beginning....

As days go by, I started to have this fear that the same thing is to happen again as I go night night.... As a result, the anxiety level might have been heightened, which doesn't really help the condition either...

If you ask me why I don't have a glass of water by my bed side to quench my thirst and to compensate for the dryness....

I do.

Throughout the night, I would get up again and again.... drinking more water and some more... only to be overcome by this sense of dryness again shortly....

If you want me to compare between them nights of delusional terrors and them nights of never-ending dryness...

If you want me to choose which one would be the worst....

Honestly, neither prefer I....

So, before I went to see my physician yesterday morning and as I was pondering whether there are any other people who suffer from similar kind of minor inconveniences, I did a google search with the key words "dry mouth can't sleep".... only to realize that there are so many other people out there sharing the same experiences and struggling to find a means for a sense of relief...

Luckily, after I took my physician's advise and ate some "pears" before bed, once for a change...

Last night, I was able to fall asleep without having to be tormented for hours by da "dry-mouth-ness"....

Then, I thought of those people who have to live with this condition for years.... God bless and have mercy.....

And, for those who can't understand what I mean by being tormented by dry mouth and being kept awake as a result of it... Lucky you.... and may you keep your bless...

And... hope that... tonight... dry mouth won't come back to keep me away from falling asleep....