Dreams

"No dream, no matter how horrible, could be as bad as the reality of the camp."

-- Page 41 in Man's search for meaning by V. Frankl

Love's image from Frankl

Occasionally I looked at the sky, where the stars were fading and the pink light of the morning was beginning to spread behind a dark bank of clouds. But my mind clung to my wife's image, imagining it with an uncanny acuteness. I heard her answering me, saw her smile, her frank and encouraging look. Real or not, her look was then more luminous than the sun which was beginning to rise.

A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth- that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.

(P. 48-49, Frankl)

A thought crossed my mind: I didn't even know if she were still alive. I knew only one thing-- which I have learned well by now: Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It finds its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is actually present, whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases somehow to be of importance.

(P. 49-50, Frankl)

Had I known then that my wife was dead, I think that I would still have given myself undisturbed by that knowledge, to the contemplation of her image, and that my mental conversation with her would have been just as vivid and just as satisfying, "Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death."

(P. 50, Frankl)

Perfect game

Despite the fact that there is usually nothing happening in my head the whole day, this thought of perfect game came up again to my mind...

So I thought....

Life itself is the perfect game... perhaps this is what Frankel was speaking of....



8-O

Tooth

There is a purpose for my returning home…. to repair myself from head to toe… lol

The day I arrived in Taiwan, I went to see my dentist, who informed me that the tooth that has been on my mind for the longest time has really reached the retirement age.

Sitting on the dentist chair, while my dentist kept on drilling away…

I thought of how Tom Hanks’ narration in the movie “Cast away” right before he was about to knock one of his own tooth out on the deserted island and what he said about how he used to fear seeing a dentist while now he wished that he could have one handy by his side.

Then, I thought of how this tooth could have been saved for a few more years should I have had the accident not, should I have come home to see my dentist last year or should I have had the strength to go see my dentist in Flushing, and, should the pain killers not masked the tooth ache and took my concern away from it.

I also thought of this quote by Bismarck in Frankl’s book, “Life is like being at the dentist. You always think that the worst is still to come, and yet it is over already.” (Page 81, Frankl)

Alright, the tooth’s life might have been long over while I thought the worst is yet to come… lol

Seen enough

You live here all these years? Well, then you have seen quite enough already!

(P. 45, Frankl)

Not perfect

I guess, in life, somethings are just meant to happen.

At dinner, mama said to me or reminded me again that, once one's application for green card is denied, it would make it so much more difficult to get it.

I thought to myself... let's see whether I will be able to get the visa to come back to the states in the end of June first before speaking of green card.

I am not feeling apathetic... (or am I? 8-O)

No, I am not (although one is entitled to suggest me in a stage of denial).

Yet, there is this voice in my heart telling me that... somethings are just meant to happen in life... be it to our liking or not... for all will all eventually balance out at the end of our time...

(Lordy... are my hallucinations starting to migrate from my head to my heart? 8-O lol)

Shall there be nothing I could take with me, at least, one thing I know is that I feel this sense of peace inside with myself, including all the decisions I have made in my life so far.

There are so many could-haves--

I could have been an established physician if I had decided to go to the medical school.

I could have had a steady job or my own family, perhaps, shall I have gone straight to work with out bothering with the graduate school.

Yet, even if I could redo this and that gazillion thousand times more, would it ever be possible for me to create the perfect scenario for my life... especially when I yet have to figure out what a perfect life entails? How long would it take to find the solution and could The Solution really unfold?

There is nothing perfect about my life....

Physically, I got spasms, nerve pains and still can't move too far without a stop. Mentally, I got my hallucinations and delusions as well as the propensity for depression. Financially, I have now only one part time job that allows me to pay my rent. Career-wise, I am still waiting for a full time job to land. In addition, I got no money, no car, no house and no man.

To be honest, a life fairly fucked up seems to be a much better description for a life as such.

Yet, so they say, "well, another day is over" (page 40, Frankl) and "tomorrow is another day" towards a better end... :-)

(for how much worse off could it get and I told God I have suffered enough... lol)

Why reading this?

When waiting to see my orthopaedics doctor today, I pulled out Frankl's book to do some casual reading...

At the end of our appointment, after we spoke of the annoying pains and spasms, I asked this question again...

"Why do my back and legs still get tightened up? Why do I still have to stop?"

"You have disc herniation." He, again, replied.

"When do I have to stop stopping?"

"Hopefully the disk will eventually shrink."

Then, the doctor saw the book and asked what I was reading...

I showed him the cover.... "Man's search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl.

He must have asked something like... "why do you read this?"

"Because I can't see the meaning of me stopping." I replied.

Humor and curiosity

Many people have found it really difficult to understand my sense of humor at times, if not much of the time... and some even have complained that, inappropriately, often, I laugh... (see laughing)

It is true that it is better to laugh or be able to laugh than to cry. Thus, laughter shall I choose if there is an option.

Sometime last fall, when I found myself to be out of work, out of job, out of green card, out of both physical and mental health, out of physical therapy, out of the disability check etc--- essentially, out of all things I could cling to to make my ends meet, and, to affirm my ephemeral existence.

At some point, I started finding all the additional stressors to be like spices in a dark comedy, which makes them actually pretty funny.

I was no longer afraid because I thought to myself, as long as everyone else doing fine and I am still kicking... what else do I have to lose when I am stripped of all things that I could use to fill up that existential vacuum of mine? It really would be interesting to see what else by God, Gods, the supreme power, fate, or life would take away from me and how such might make me feel...

Then, I was reading Frankl's words, in the paragraphs where he described the defense mechanism developed by the prisoners in the concentration camp...

".. the illusions some of us still held were destroyed one by one, and then, quite unexpectedly, most of us were overcome by a grim sense of humor. We knew that we had nothing to lose except our so ridiculously naked lives.....

Apart from that strange kind of humor, another sensation seized us: curiosity. I have experienced this kind of curiosity before, as a fundamental reaction toward certain strange circumstances. When my life was once endangered by a climbing accident, I felt only one sensation at the critical moment: curiosity, curiosity as to whether I should come out of it alive or with a fractured skull or some other injuries." (Page 29, Man's Search for meaning, Frankl)

Because my personal experiences are nothing comparable to what people in the concentration camp had and have to endure, I could only understand what Frankl means in my own capacity.

On the other hand, personally, the term defense mechanisms seem to insinuate potential maladjustment given that individuals might fend off things using these mechanisms so as not to process them.

For me, I prefer to call humor and curiosity "god's gift" or "survival instincts".

At this point, I expect people who know I eventually ended in the mad house in February to ask "The Question".

"If humor and curiosity are really the blessing from God or a manifestation of survival instinct, how would you end up in the cuckoo's nest?"

(and if you don't question this, I would figure you are not really reading my posting and might as well go and watch House. lol)

For instance, a good friend of mine bluntly put it, "Don't forget you just failed...."-- meaning I just came out from the nut house around 2 months ago.

My response is simple.

While some people might believe that my recent acute episode is the proof that I fail and there is no doubt that they are entitled to their opinion, for me, I know that I had failed not.

I had failed not because I know that the blessings I have been granted have carried me long enough.

I had failed not because I have always been aware of the "one country, two governments" policy that rules my head.... and I have no control over the traffic flow of the neurotransmitters (e.g., dopamine) that are responsible for not only driving me crazy but also carrying signals of pain perception. (Please refer to my previous posting...)

Think not how well you are adjusting to your ordinary life with or without the kind of humor and curiosity we are speaking of here.

Think of how well you might fare shall you be me or me(s) with or without the kind of humor and curiosity.

Or, the real reply I shall provide is even simpler...

I have failed in what? 8-O lol

Frankl's words

OK, I have to admit to you that my reading ability has finally come back... at least, now I am capable of reading the writing "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl after having finished listening to its audio book version.

One reason prompted me to go back to this book in such a short time is that despite the fact that I have no experiences with concentration camp, I often found his words to speak directly of my heart concerning my personal experiences- regardless whether such has been shared or not through my blogs.

When I started blogging, I had taken on Ratprincess as my pseudonym with only few dear friends knowing about my blog. This partially speaks to the fact that... shall the label of "mental" contains no more taboo-ish kinda sentiment to you, you are far more advanced than I am for I am not yet ready to walk down the street with "I am psychotic and depressive" written across the hair band over my forehead. lol

The blog was initially created as a means to help me searching for the meaning of my personal experiences as a functional psychotic and neurotic. You could even call it a desperate act in reaction to the deep-seated frustration about my inability to figure out... "Why me? Why do I have to go through it?" or "Why can't I beat my conditions with all my training in psychology and what good does my years of education and training have shall they grant me not ezpass out of mental health conditions?"

I had wanted to write a book... something like the book "I never promise you a rose garden" written by Joanne Greenberg-- based on a fictional depiction of her personal experiences with mental health conditions. Unfortunately, I find myself not too endowed in the creative writing department and the contents I could offer to limited, in addition to the English of mine so very ESL.

It, later, became clear to me that, chances are, the only way I could find sense out of having to live with mental health conditions is by sharing my personal experiences with the others. Any sense anyone else could find out of my blog will help me add some sense to my sometimes sort of miserable kinda being.... or... the sense for me rests on the hope that someone will get something helpful somehow... such as people who share similar experiences or those who studies about similar experiences.

Throughout the years, I have been documenting my life on and off in good times, in bad times, and in all times in between. I have also talked about my experiences in less mental times, in more mental times, and in all times in between.

I have tried my best to describe and analyze the given observations etc in as subjective a fashion as possible. I have also often made myself sharing things that others in similar situation would prefer to share not. (Ya, this reminds me of this intern in the psychiatric ward, many years ago, who came sitting next to me-- one in the cuckoo’s nest-- and hyper-enthusiastically asked me something like--- why do you come in here or do you hear voice? I, like any other patients, gave him something like a dirty look and told him to leave me alone.)

Unfortunately, many of the contents remain unspeakable.

Unfortunately, deep down in my heart I know.... the observations I made within myself could never be as objective as I would like them to be and so will be their utilities for clinical research-- let along the fact that it is but an absolutely biased case study with close to zero degree of generalizability.

Then, I came across the following words by Frankl...

Those former prisoners often say, "We dislike talking about our experiences. No explanations are needed for those who have been inside, and the others will understand neither how we felt then nor how we feel now."

To attempt a methodical presentation of the subject is very difficult, as psychology requires a certain scientific detachment. But does a man who makes his observations while he himself is a prisoner possess the necessary detachment? Such detachment is granted to the outsider, but he is too far removed to make any statements of real value. Only the man inside knows. His judgment may not be objective; his evaluations may be out of proportion. This is inevitable. An attempt must be made to avoid any personal bias and that is the real difficulty of a book of this kind. At times it will be necessary to have the courage to tell of very intimate experiences......

I shall leave it to others to distill the contents of this (...) into dry theories.

(Page 20, Man's Search for Meaning, V. Frankl)

After I read these words, I thought to myself... what he tries to convey... I think I understand...

I realize that there is not even need for my writing… because his words spoke of my thoughts even before I was born and possibly could be applicable for prisoners of all sorts--

Quotes from Viktor Frankl

I decided to revisit a book I think I read over a decade ago... although I am not really quite sure whether I really read or finished reading this classic then.

Beautiful writing I have to say and I dare not even dream that, one day, I will have 1 % of his mastery with words.

Following are some of the quotes I really like from Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl:

1. The salvation of man is through love and in love.
2. No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute honesty whether in the similar situation he might not have done the same.
3. There is only one thing I dread- not to be worthy of my suffering.
4. No one has the right to do wrong even if wrong has been done to them.

Audio book through New York Public Library