One step at a time

I frequently use this phrase "one step at a time"... at various times.

For instance, I identified at least 10 postings in Ratology Reloaded and a few more in the limited number of postings I reposted in Down with Meds using the exact phrase "one step at a time."

The funnies thing about one step at a time is that, for all those who is lucky enough to walk, you can only walk one step at a time... however painful or strangely one might walk, or, however elegant or speedy you are.

Apparently, I am not the only person with the same realization....

An ode to Subway elevators/escalators

If there is anything that makes this trip of mine drastically different from any other trips I have done so far... it would be... avoiding stairs...  And, as a result, taking detours....

Sometimes, such inconveviences do have their upside... for example, otherwise, I would not have the opportunity to release the lotus lantern the other day.... (and this is sort of like what you call... looking at the bright side of life... 8-O 8-X)

In terms of public transportation...

I love taking buses... as opposed to taking subway/metro....

Two reasons...

Although it is much faster, most of the times, to take subway, you get to see more of the city with buses.... slow and stop.... in New York, in Taipei, in Shanghai and in Seoul.... and even in airports... 8-O

With the buses, there are, most of the time, far fewer stairs you have to manage....

All of these cities I mentioned above have disability access....

However, the design is universally stupid at times.... leading me to the conclusion that... either them people doing the designs must not be physically disabled or this world is designed not for people with physical disability.... For instance, them escalators... a lot of cities have only escalators going up but not going down.... a real killer for people with knee problems...

In addition, there seems to be an assumption that all people with disability uses wheelchair... and only people in wheelchair could be disabled?!

I am not gonna make you believe that I can not do stairs at all....

I can force myself to do a few stairs but I have to do it slow... one stairs at a time... if necessary.  However, the revenge of my body is very scary... if it feels that I overdo it....

The New York subway system just celebrated its 100th anniversary not too many years ago... I can understand why there are relatively fewer disability access... This is part of the reason why I used to use buses to go places....

However, with them newer subway systems in Taipei, Shanghai and, perhaps, Seoul.... I have a problem with disability inaccess kind of design...

For these cities, you might be able to find elevators to go down to the metro station in case all elevators you find only go up... except for... there is no guarantee that the elevators could be found.....

Worst of all, after all the detours you have taken, circling around like a dog chasing its tail, when you find that elevator of you life... it might be out of order.... and... you have to restart your search... all over again... Sometimes, you might as well walk to the next subway station.

At times, you come across situations within which... just when you are praising to yourself... "How wonderful!  There are escalators going both up and down!"  You find yourself in front of them stairs... and.. many many stairs... This is especially traumatizing on days when your body is in the piece-of-crap shape.... 8-O lol

The second day I got to Seoul, I was shipped me out to explore.... Seoul.

I decided to go to Seoul Station because something told me that it is where I could find the tourist information booth to get a tourist map...

Seoul Subway Route Map

All that I had... a Subway map in Korean, a language I had no idea about, and the only thing I knew... when I get back, I have to get off at the Sunae station and I have to transfer from the yellow line to the orange line at the Suseo station.

Arriving at the Suseo station, I saw escalators and I was overjoyed... So I followed the sign trying to get to the orange line... except for... at some point... I found myself circling around as if I walked into... 鬼打牆....

"Where is the elevator?  There is the sign saying this is how I get to disability access... but how come all I see are the stairs?"

Seoul Subway Wheelchair disability access

So I spent the next 5-10 minutes looking until I came to the conclusion... the devise shown in the following picture is THE disability access... and there was no other disability access...

Ended up, there are many of these kind of disability access all over town...

Since I spoke no word of Korean and many Korean don't speak English, provided I am not on wheelchair, I had never used this... wouldn't be difficult to explain to the station worker my condition anyways...

So, I climbed up... one step at a time... like everyone else... I guess.... 8-O lol sigh...

While trying to drag my big fat butts up them stairs, the thought that I might have to climb all those stairs for the next few days started to form a nightmare... one as scary as the nightmare on Elm street...



"It can't be... that's gotta be a different way around..."

Ended up, since one could also transfer between the yellow and the orange line in Dogok, after I eventually got to the orange line, I got off at Dogok.... in search of more accessible disability access...  It took me a whole lot of sign following and walking around and around... till... voila... I finally found it... the escalators of my dream... which run both up and down.... (speaking of... I have a dream.... 8-O lol)

It was not until a bit later did I realize that... inside of each every station, there is a map outlining the blueprint of the station... It shows you where you are, where the stairs, escalators and elevators are... sometimes even toilets...  The only problem I had was... this map is only available when you are inside of the station but not on the ground level.

Subway station Map

I find this map extremely useful.  The only recommendation I have is to make it available is to also make this map available at the ground level entrance.  This is so that people with disability knows what to expect once they set off with their stair climbing mission whether going up or not.

In addition, one scary thing about them stairs towards the metro is that, first, they are huge stairs, second, the subway could be as deep as something like 6 floors below the ground level, and, at some locations, the exits/entrances are not connected.  As a result, if you enter the station through an entrance without disability access, you are doomed....

One night, due to circumstances, I took the "non-disability-accessible" entrance after a long day...  The problem was... there were only two options... Keeping going down or try to see whether I could walk back up.... By the time I got to the subway, my body was already in the kind of shape I was when I just got injured.  I was so in pain and I could barely move.  You see, if the station map was available, this could have been avoided...

Since I started feeling something was coming down the second day, sometimes I wonder whether my sickness later might have something to do with the fact that the entire body, from neck down, was inflamed.  If I knew for sure that the elevator going down was only a block away... I might not have to go through my entire Shanghai trip later sick like a dog.... Just an hypothesis, though....

Since I was such a determined traveler and since I did not have much more time in Korea, despite the severe pain and physical condition, I was out and about again the day after partially because I had totally ran out of Korean currency and needed to go into town to exchange more money...  Though I moved even slower and with a cane.  I kept on moving forward.... 8-O lol

Somewhere over the Internet, I learned that the "black market" kinda money exchange places in Ming-dong area give you the best deal.  Since I hadn't had the chance to check out Ming-dong (明洞), I decided to go to there that day....

When I got off from the dark blue line at the Ming-dong station, I went to check out the station map to see which direction might have disability access.  Unfortunately, I did not find any sign of elevators or escalators going to the ground level.

Without hesitation, I hopped onto the next train to get off at Nam Dae Mun (南大門), thinking... that... what is the likelihood that they would haveno disability access to the ground two stations in a roll...

So I took the escalator all the way up and I exited the subway gate.  After I circled around like a doggie for a while, I came up with the conclusion that... oops.... on a day when I could hardly walk on flat land, I landed on a station without any disability access to the ground level.

I went to speak with this ticket agent, who told me that... "This is an old station.  No.  We don't have elevators going to the ground level.  However, it is not too far.  Only one floor."

I looked up... and pondered to myself...

"Should I get back and take the subway all the way to the next stop Seoul Station or should I try to climb up since I am already in a piece of shit kind of state anyways?"

Well, following the rationale that I was already in pain and already in the piece of shit state, I decided to start bringing myself up with both arms and, of course, both legs... one step at a time... painfully...

Many subways must have come and go...  because I can't quite tell you how many bunches of people had past me by...

Some look at me with curiously...

Others wanted to offer help except for... I was not even sure how they could help me.

At some point, the ticket agent appeared next to me... and I wonder whether it was because some passersby might have told him about the apparent struggle of this strange creature....

"I didn't know that the stairs are so difficult for you!  Let me help you!!"

Before I could respond, I found him pushing me up from the bottom up... all that I had to do was to move my legs up...  It felt as if we flew all the way up them stairs....  In no time, we were up on the ground level inside of the Nam Dae Mun Market.

I thanked him, thanked him and I could not have thanked him enough.

To this day, when I thought of that ticket agent and the strange scenario, I remain to be thankful and will always be.

After all these time, to be honest, I don't even recall what it might have felt like when I could do stairs with so much ease.... until that day.

At one of the entrance of Nam Dai Mun Market, I thanked this life-saver of mine, I rested my body a bit.  And, I kept walking on... backwards to Ming-dong after the interesting detour.

Isn't life funny?  You can run but you can't hide.  I took a deliberate effort to get off at a different subway station.  Yet, them stairs..... I still can not escape.

It sort of reminds me of that story.... This servant saw death in the market, with a strange look on his face.  The servant went home and asked the master for one of the fastest horse so that he could go as far as he could to avoid death.  Later that day, the master bumped into death and complained...

"Why did you do that to my servant?"

Death replied with something like... "I was just surprised to see him here because I shall catch him tonight in the far-away land!!!"

At the same time, shall I have not taken the detour to Nam Dae Mun, I would not have had the chance to encounter that wonderful man and the experiences of flying up to the ground!  8-O lol

I did not really get to take the local buses in Korea this time.... mostly having to do with the fact that I don't know the language and the city.  One of my greatest regrets, I guess, in my trip to Korea.

In Shanghai, it was much easier for me to learn to use the bus system... mostly having to do with the fact that....  though I am not very good with simplified Chinese and I also don't know the city, at least, I am half-literate... and it makes it much easier for me to navigate all around town.

Another reason why I decided to take it to busing is that...

Although there surely are elevators available to go down to the subway stations, the apparently visible elevators are not really all that easily accessible.

The day I got to Shanghai, I transfered to the subway after getting off the maglev.  After asking around, the officers at the security check told me that I would need to ask one of the transit people to take me down to the elevator because these elevators were locked.

I had to swipe the card at the entrance first before going back out to take the elevator.

I had thought it was because that was a special station.... because that's where people taking maglev would get off...

When I went out another day, I asked some volunteers whether there are elevators available because I have physical disability and I have problems with stairs.

While one of the ladies told me... "No," this guy from a distance somehow overheard our conversation and replied...

"Yes.  You see that elevator over there... that is the elevator going down to the subway."

So, happily, I got to the elevator, I pressed the down button and waited for the elevator to arrive like a good girl.... under the Shanghai heat...

I waited a bit and a little longer but did not really hear any movement...

This is when I saw this red button....  Apparently, you have to press the red button to contact the workers of the station.

After pressing the button, someone spoke to me over the speaker phone.

"Hi, there, sorry... I have problems with stairs and need to use the elevator."

"Wait a minute and someone will come and get you."  So the person replied.

Someone eventually came up with the elevator.

Inside of the elevator, I asked the lady who came to get me... "Do I need to trouble someone to come to get me every time?"

Apparently... yes...

Since I am very vain and I don't really like to trouble others because I am "handicapped."

From that day on, I decided to take it to the bus instead...

Well, I might have gotten lost a time or two...  essentially... thinking I was walking north... ended up I was walking towards the west....  but, by the time I left Shanghai, I was already able to get to specific destinations by bus.

One of my proudest achievement this trip, I guess..... 8-O lol

Well, if the purpose of locking the elevators down is to deter people from using elevators, I guess... the purpose is served.

At the same time, how on earth would could one spend all these times and using all these words talking about subway elevators/escalators?   On a second thought... well... at least I am not talking about the disability access to toilets, right? Or... maybe I should consider it..... 8-O lol

To Expo or not to Expo... That's the question...

I must have mentioned to you before... What I saw most in the World Expo was... people.... What I did most there was waiting in line....

The people mountain people sea (人山人海) in the World Expo in Shanghai... and for some pavilions... hours of waiting in line... 

Like what a friend of mine had put it, it takes longer time to wait in line than to fly directly to the country... for instance... it took me 2 hours to fly from Seoul, Korea to Shanghai... but it could take you 3,4 hours to get into the Korean Pavilion... Similarly, it took me less than 2 hours to ge from Shanghai back to Taipei... It would have taken me more than 2 hours to get the ticket to Taiwan Pavilion.... Also... might as well travel around in Taiwan now that I am seeing Taipei 101 everyday..... 8-O lol

Korean Pavilion

Yours truly, of course, like many others, took the strategy called visiting only the pavilions without or with only short lines....

Uzbekistan Pavilion

Moreover, even the small pavilions with shorter or no line were crowded with people... which made it pretty difficult to see much...

I did not have the courage, not to mention the strength, to even attempt the path towards the Saudi Arabia pavilion...  Please be reminded... what you see below is only a "small fraction" of the line for the Saudi Arabia pavilion.

All these people in these pictures were waiting in line for the Saudi Arabia Pavilion. The sigh said... over 5 hour waiting time. In reality- on a day when I almost got heat stroke (and perhaps really got it since I was so overcome by my expo experiences that I stayed in all day the second day) and almost passed out due to the heat--- provided me being sick already- these people in the picture had to wait over 6 hours to get in. According to hearsay, it took some people 9 hours to get in.  Such dedication... I have to say... heroic....

Only about 3 hours after I arrived, I had already thrown the white towel in to the world expo.

Sitting on the bench underneath the overpass, feeling the cold water sprinkling down, and in my vacuous head, I must be thinking... too hot, too humid, I am getting sick and I am feverish..... I am about to pass out... Oh, Lord...

Perhaps, also pondering about the clouds overcasting the sky of Pu-Xi... when are you gonna rain down?  God... please let it rain down.... (and, it finally did rain down.  9-10 o'clock in the evening when I finally made it back to my brother in law's...  finally back to the comfort of the AC-ed living room... sipping my water... waiting for the leading character of my life to show up.... and it poured.  Guess my wish really was granted except for quite a few hours too late... 8-O lol)

Back to 2-3 o'clock in the afternoon... just when yours truly-- the self-proclaimed determined disabled and sick traveler-- was there self-pitying while staring at them crowds in awe... gotta be really hot in there.... body heat and stinky sweat.... while still over 6 hours to go.... My God... some real dedication.... I would not be able to survive it for even 5 minutes... 3 minutes... or maybe not even 30 seconds..

It was then when I heard commotion...

You see, even the military were brought in to manage the waiting lines, which were actually were physically divided into sections.

When the time comes for people to move from one segment to the next, the soldiers lined up, arm in arm, building a line or a wall, at the front of the crowd... moving one step at a time in unity... to prevent the crowds from pushing etc and causing accidents.  Over the air, they kept on broadcasting... "Don't push... Don't push...."

I had intended to take video clips of the scene except for... my head was already moving slow and my body moved even slower... All that I had caught was a picture that shows the "outcome" of the event... People already arriving at the next "benchmark"... Continuing to wait...

Days later, as I continued to speak to people about the amazing dedication I observed and my cowardliness, someone told me that... so they said in the news... a lot of people really got heat stroke and needed ER services... (oops... the problem of watching soap opera only but not news... 8-O 8-X)

This was when it clicked... something else I heard in the broadcast over the air... something like... "Your health is very important."

So... I did make it to stay at the Expo for over 8 hours... when I eventually move from zone A, B to section C.... where pavilions for England, America, France, Germany... etc... reside... Though I was already in a state when I was not even sure whether I could make it home in one piece... let along taking any picture.... You might as well check the official website of World Expo for professional photography....　

Before I went to the World Expo, people had me told... this is an event that is... "不去可惜,去了後悔".. essentially, you will regret it whether you go or not... 

Yet, those who have been there also insisted that I should go to the expo since I would be in Shanghai anyways...

After I went to the world expo, I fully came to grasp the essence of the comment... "不去可惜,去了後悔"..

I suppose, like many other things in life... it is better to have lived than to ponder what it would have been like should I have been there and lived it...

Sort of like... das dasein could be declared or made understood but such attempts could never fully recapitulate the dasein itself...

Also, sort of like... 어떡하죠 如何是好 What should I do?....

In addition, some times I wonder... the day I went to the expo, there were supposed to have been something over 400 thousand people at the expo site as well...  Perhaps... within those hours, I might have encountered Chinese coming from all provinces and special area/districts... Well, a kind of added value... so to speak...

Maybe... had I not been sick and disabled, provided there were not over 400000 people in the event and it did not feel like 120 degree on the outside... I would have given you a different story and I might have come up with the same conclusion I overheard as I was struggling to get to the bus stop on my way home...

"What a wonderful and fruitful day!" So said this young lady, perhaps on high heels, to her companions while yours truly was dragging herself one step at a time trying to prevent the feverish me from throwing up in public or from scaring people by the disgusting sound I make when trying to get mucus out (you know that sound....... 8-O lol)

Yet, same event, same environmental condition.... How could the perception be so drastically different between the grunpy old me and da youthful beauty?

Perhaps, the confounding variable... my fortunately unfortune circumstances?  And, looking at the bright side, maybe it was these fortunately unfortunate circumstances that would make this visit memorable-- otherwise... in 10 years... it might simply be... ya... that world expo... think I might have been there before but mostly forgotten? 8-O lol

The one-day visit to the world expo does have its repercussion....

Days after, a friend of my brother-in-law told me that she might be able to get me into the Saudi pavilion through "VIP" kinda entrance...  thinking of the people mountain people sea in the Shanghai heat... and the fact that I took the entire day off the second day after overcome by the expo.... I couldn't not even imagine myself revisit the place again...

In addition, my brother-in-law found out later that his wife's sister-in-law is coming to Taipei for a concert... though, unfortunately, with THAT woman... (Is that jealousy?  OMG... God.. I have sinned... Also, ok.. this is a dream or illusion... not delusion... 8-O lol) The thought of having to be in the "people mountain people sea" already scares the hell out of me... not to mention that tickets might have already been sold out....

Yet, if you happen to be going to Shanghai before the closing of the World expo and would like my opinion on whether to attend the event or not...

My comment would be... the world expo is an event that is... "不去可惜,去了後悔".  However, personally, I believe it is better to regret about having been there than regretting about not even know what to regret about.... (sounds like some real run-on sentence... 8-O lol)

Sort of like... if you have never experience 어떡하죠.... regardless how well the lyrics describes 어떡하죠.... you would still not really understand 어떡하죠- 如何是好- What should I do?.... I guess... Also, just because I tell you that it had always been a tiring and futile event for me to be in love or in a relationship, considering my single status... does it mean that you will then never be in love or be in a relationship? 8-O 8-X lol

Monk

For a while, when I did my walking thing in that strange altered state, I would have this thing in my mind or not quite sure where it is...

As I walked one step at a time down the blocks, I feel or see somewhere in me these two feet steadily moving forward at the same pace...

Sometimes it occurred...

Sometimes it disappeared and appeared again at its own will...

You try to refrain yourself from making further interpretation while it is inevitable for such a presence to trigger some initial association to the past...

At the point of encounter... you think of that monk... that master of yours in da long loved delusions...

But, you made efforts to stop interpreting further instead of seeking out for further explanations... and it might partially have something to do with the fact that... you know you have done it before and you don't need to and/or want to access the contents of the past...

Then, one day... more the feet emerge...

A man... or a monk emerge...

It is as if the two of you walking down the path synchronously...

As if you are walking down the same path in parallel universes....

And, there came one day, perhaps, last week, after my walk, as I was heading towards walk...

I had the feeling...

Away moved da monk... keep on moving further and further apart on divergent paths....

Today, da monk seems to be far far away... so far that I could hardly feel him... keeps on walking on...

And... so said Junior earlier on...

"A lot of people have no idea what is coming out of your mouth. And, so do you."

"Such words of wisdom! Really no idea have I..." 8-O lol

MRI and Pain again

Went to see my doctor today and told him about how my knees and back gave up after the IME...

He then sent me to do an MRI on my right knee...

It happened again...

During the procedure.... I started feeling pain on my knees and other parts of the body...

At certain point, it felt as if the cells all over the body were about to explode and extremely uncomfortable...

In any case, the scan was done, I got my films and walked out of the clinic....

Again, both my knees and body were not happy and I limped around like a big bad bug.... one step at a time... tried to move forward....

At the earlier part of the day and later part of the afternoon, the problem was primarily concerning movements with pains manageable...

At some point and even later in the afternoon, I started feeling the nerve pain to grow....

It started as the sparkles along your spine...

You feel it...

You cope with it...

In no time, you realise that the pain has taken its own life and taken a toll on you.... locked down all capacities sparing you one and only one task to perform...

Thereafter, I realised that this was actually very much similar to how the pain had emerged the day of my accident on June 2007...

Despite the fact that I hate taking pain meds, I had to ask for pain killers to get some relief from it.

They say that it is impossible to get pain during or after MRI scans....

They say that the pain you get might have something to do with your being anxious or being claustrophobic except for the majority part of my body was on the outside and only knees in the cylinder...

They say there ain't no scientific reasons about it.... what occurs again and again to me...

I gladly accept their opinion except for... as I was struggling to get to the office after the scan.... I can't help asking this question again and again....

I am dragging my body trying to move forward...

I do need to stop every other steps...

I am really here observing what is going on with my body and I assume other people could see it as well....

I am in this state and I am "being here"... Yet, they say there ain't no reason such shall occur.... thus, it ain't possible for such state to exist.... thus... I can't be here?! (OMG... So based on this reasoning... I exist not.... 8-O lol sigh)

Yet, there ain't no scientific explanation to the state I am in....

Scientific minded experts.... how could it be so?

Can somebody tell me? How could it be so?

I will work on recovery again and I possibly will use my cane for tomorrow...

Yet, all that I have to go through.... unfounded, unscientific and unexplainable... How could it be so?

In any case, in case you are another confused soul not understanding why you experience intensified pain and disability.... and, in case, you have tried all your might to figure out whether there exist someone else on this planet with similar experiences....

Like how the song goes as well as the curious dasein it tries to describe... I can't tell you why....

I can only tell you.... you are not alone.... that's why there are things called outlier analysis, I guess.... 8-O lol sigh

Them Knees

Saturday, at the beginning, it felt as if the knees were swollen and my knees were sort of bent when trying to walk.

When walking, at times, I found them knees locked which makes me move in strange ways if not slower motion.

Them knees also do quite a bit of clicking... click... click... click...

Then, I realised that, when trying to do the stairs such as when getting in and out of the subway, I could only do one step at a time and I needed to stop.

Going upstairs, interestingly, became easier comparatively because, at least, I could use my thighs to move my legs and use my arms to pull myself up.

Going downstairs, on the other hands, is much more difficult because it feels like the knees have limited strength and they sort of move around at landing like them jellos despite of the fact that I also use my arms and hands to support my body weight.

In addition, I also have been feeling sharp pains as well as pains shooting down from my knees.

The simple knee problems also seem to have brought out problems all over my body.

The above summarises my knee encounters since Friday afternoon and so far.

Love

Had this conversation with this friend last night about someone else with the gift of psychosis...

Apparently, there was once upon a time, during their conversation, when this psychotic fellow of mine thought he was talking to Satan... and his misfortune was caused by God...

So I said, "It must have been Satan who told him that God was the culprit."

I think I have mentioned this story many a time...

Once upon a time, right before I went into the hospital due to my perceived "heart failure," I spent the entire night thinking that I was overcome by demonic forces, which were coming to kill me... many and many a time...

Funny enough, all forces came to help... them forces from Inferno, Purgatorio, and Paradiso and all other sources..

They were Gods...

They were spirits...

They were ghosts...

They were devils...

They were zombies...

They were fictional figures...

They were heinous and poisonous beasts... such as the most poisonous spiders and scorpions...

Each of them contributed to a certain part of my healing from one attack after another...

When I was poisoned by the most potent poison, the most poisonous spider and scorpions from hell sacrificed themselves and came to my rescue by injecting me with their poison and absorbing them poisons from me...

So say the Chinese... 以毒攻毒… or use poison to fight poison…

When all measures failed to bring me back from death, I was turned an undead...

From there and with help, I became a zombie and possibly also a ghost... until, eventually, born again I was... a human... with help from all sources with all means... conventional or unconventional...

Yes, and, it was the day and night after when I lived through the apocalypse… where all structures dissolved and where there existed nothing more than chaos….

It was the same time when I was told that 想好事,做好人 or do good thing and be nice people is the only means of having the orders and structures in life be restored…

It was around this time when, walking up them hill in bitter cold, my hallucinations had me told… one step at a time…

Years gone by… memories remain vivid…

And, when rethinking the path I have traversed so far, I never cease to be marveled by this strange gift that I have been granted regardless the severity of the conditionｓ…

There is something that has been protecting me from the inside... or outside…

However strong the delusional system might be, I never, and knock on wood, my delusions never told me to do harm to anyone else…

In addition, I’ve never failed to see how people I know have unconditional love and care for me…

I have also never ceased to believe in their loving intention… (although I did scream out loud in the ER ward stating this specific guy was my husband due to the delusional belief that when apocalypse befall.. all will be gone include that love… And, in a tragic moment as such, there does not seem anything meaningful to let a love be silenced simply because it has not been pronounced. Speaking of react not… 8-O 8-X lol sigh)

So, today, as I was strolling down with these old friends and as I was thinking of all them loving people alike…

I thought to myself… how lucky I am, albeit my propensity for psychosis and neurosis, to feel so secure… so secure that even in the direst moments of madness and insanity, love still lights up in the bottom of my heart and carry me forward… one step at a time…

Good way Freud had it put… Lieben, Leben, Arbeiten… let love precedes all and all else will follow…

And, shall you ask me how such is possible?

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you why (in addition to not quite sure whether this really helped…)

The only thing I know is… thank, God, it is simply the way it is so far… (though no magical thinking intended)

Love

I love people.... condition by the theta parameter... their ability to not get on my nerve.... 8-O lol

So... life's circumstances must have brought forth higher degree of anxiety and I must have this propensity to internalize my anxiety, which gets manifested as depression...

In other words, I saw myself gradually went into depression, hit the bottom and found myself eventually moving myself out of it one step at a time.... this past few weeks...

Then, there was this day.... when I thought to myself...

I don't know what it is that I am carrying with me or whether there is anything that I am carrying on my shoulder... even if it is only the air pressure...

One thing I knew was it was too heavy for me to carry on...

The unbearable heaviness of da lightness in life, I guess...

So I thought to myself... at some point, I might just need to give up....

The matter of the fact is that all that I wanted to do was just to give it all up... whatever it might be or whether it ever exists...

Then, this voice said to me... (ya, my auditory hallucination)... something like...

"You can give up everything but you could not give up on people."

Point taken.

For all else I have not.... I have people who me care and who me love.... I should never give up on them who I love....

So, if you ask me how I have eventually and gradually pulled myself away from the dungeon of depressive symptoms mixed with anxiety... manifested in amotivation...

Chances are... it is love....

And, perhaps, it was not me who had carried me through all these time... it is them loving people who me carried...

And, how nice... I could love...

So I sent an email to this very last jackass from hell 4-5 years apart from me...

So I thought to myself... cease the fire, stop the anger and let go of the grudge...

For... I don't particularly like the dark side and all I need is love to... I guess... show me the light... (and, of course, a full time job, good pay so that I can take my mama and daddy for trips everywhere... 8-O lol)

Disability and functionality

I have been working on finishing up this report about using multidimensional scaling and cluster analyses to analyze a dataset about disability and functionality.

Finally, the draft is done... (hope the cleaning up won't take too much longer)... the day I broke my USB drive... leaving it in a state of, sort of, broken but still, sort of, functional...

So is the life's story...

Give and take... I guess... 8-O lol

BTW, what did I learn from this project?

First, the experts defined functionality and disability using the following 16 measures with the first 6 of them classified as Activities of daily living and the remaining 10 as Instrumental activities of daily living.

Second, based on the dataset I had, I ran some analyses trying to see whether I could recreated the two factor model for these 16 items... Yet, what I came up with was much different from how they had things classified.

So I decided to answer these questions based on my recalls of the past... with 0 indicating healthy and 1 indicating disabled...

Activities of daily living

1. 0.00 (Y1) eating: At the beginning when things was worst, I could eat as long as the weight of food plus the bowl was not heavier than I could handle.
2. 0.00 (Y2) getting in/out of bed: The first few days were really bad. It took quite a bit of work to either get out of the bed or to lay down. Yet, I had never been unable to get in or out of the bed... regardless the speed or the amount of effort..
3. 0.00 (Y3) getting around inside: Thank God that the floor in my room is flat.... Yet, when I went to the federal building, I could barely move my feet because the floor... was not flat... At the beginging, it was bad... I basically was able to walk from my bed to the bathroom... and that marked all the exercise I did for the day....
4. 0.00 (Y4) dressing: It took me longer time to get dressed because of the pains all over. However, I was able to dress and undress myself.
5. 0.00 (Y5) bathing: Something I luckily never had problem with... other than needing to be ware of the floor for slippery when wet.

Instrumental activities of daily living

1. 0.00 (Y6) getting to the bathroom: One thing I had no problem doing... other than... slow... slow...
2. 1.00 (Y7) doing heavy house work: Couldn't even carry a bowl of soup from the kitchen to the room... can't carry much weight either at work up to today....
3. 1.00 (Y8) doing light house work: I don't really know what light house work meant... one thing I knew was that I even had problem carrying more than one plate or so from my room to the kitchen at the beginning.
4. 1.00 (Y9) doing laundry: I didn't know doing laundry was difficult until my mama left New York to take care of my sister in Taiwan. It was difficult but I tried.... I never knew that the act of throwing each piece of clothing into the washer in the basement could be so strenuous. I had to take breaks in between the pick up a garment and throw it into the washer activity... or, I had to take many breaks to load my clothes into the washer.
5. 0.00 (Y10) cooking: This question is difficult because I don't really cook... I just put all thing in the pot and bring everything to a boil... Yet, one thing I knew is that... I was in no condition to cook gourmet food either...
6. 1.00 (Y11) grocery shopping: Half a pond of cherries were already too heavy for me to carry. After my mom went back to Taiwan, for a long time, I depended on the nice people I know to help me carry grocery weighting more than 1 pound back to my building, if not my kitchen.
7. 1.00 (Y12) getting about outside: The road has to be flat for me to walk on. My walkability decreased exponentially when the pavement or ground is slanted in the least slight fashion. Even when the condition got better, a lot of times, I might have no problem getting out.... the real problem was to get back.... How many a day... I, one step at a time, tried to make it back....
8. 1.00 (Y13) traveling: Sitting in a car, bus, or subway train kills me because of the worsened nerve pains. (Therefore, forget about long trips in moving vehicles such as in airplane.)
9. 1.00 (Y14) managing money: It did get to the point when it was sort of difficult to manage money when you don't have squat to manage... That's why I put an 1 for this item... although I am not quite sure whether this is why they mean by managing money... 8-O lol oops..
10. 0.00 (Y15) taking medicine: To be honest, I was really good in popping my drugs except for I stopped taking Vicodin a day or two later because of its side effect.
11. 0.00 (Y16) telephoning: I was capable of making phone calls and talking on the phone. However, when the nerve pains were really bad, the same volume sounded louder, ordinary speed seemed too fast, and, both contributing to increased nerve pains and slowering down of cognitive processing speed. Yet, I give it a 0 because, regardless, I was still physically cable in either making or answering telephone calls.

So, what else do I learn about the 16 measures now I have responded to them all...?
Maybe the items I responded "0" to should go together instead because they seem to be easier tasks to perform and I would have to be in a worse condition to be disabled in these items... at least, for me, a half-baked handicapped... (Gott Sei Danke...) (and, of course, this opinion is nothing scientific.... resting on the recolletion of my dasein moments only... 8-X)

Loving intentions

So...

I had wanted to finish writing up this report based on the cluster and MDS analyses I ran the past few days...

Then, my head got me side-tracked... or, perhaps, I am destined to get side-tracked from looking at the data as data and analyses as analyses... with the sole purpose of my efforts on finding a way to show them wrong... 8-O oops..

So...

After I made my last posting, I thought of how drained I was after the afternoon's work....

I also recall how miserable I was starting to feel about the approaching New Year....

In my mind, another year in limbo... accomplishing nothing...

"What a depressing time while one, in theory, is supposed to be happy and festive...."

So was the mindset of mine...

Then, I took a seat on the bench outside of the deli next to the people that I have come to know during my days of disability...

Still all grumpy...

Then, they reminded me how far I have come so far.... how I was an old lady with a cane... struggling to move one step at a time... and... struggling some more to move some more steps again...

"I would not have imagine myself to be getting out of that state..."

I must have responded with something like it...

That was a state when there didn't seem to be any chance to see light at the end of the tunnel... or... when I wasn't even quite sure whether I was in the tunnel yet... 8-O lol sigh

I was getting more and more psychotic each everyday, haunted by the possibility that all pains and disability I experienced was but the manifestations of psychosomatization while simply failing to see improvements in my stop and slow kinda tempo in my mobility...

Worse of all, after the winter arrived when the temperature dropped, like nowadays, the condition deteriorated to my moving 2-3 steps a time even when I attempted to cross Broadway...

I suppose they are right...

Although I have not moved to far, I have gone farther than I could have imaged in some strange way... and, again, I wouldn't have imagined my level of mobility today back only, say, 5 or 6 months ago...

Then, the gentleman reminded me again... about how it was the best thing I could have ever done to bring my sorry body, if not mind, out to the world outside everyday all along.... Ya, rather than keeping myself in my little room-- drowning myself in my self-pity and depressive thoughts...

So... we sat there on the bench conversing about the past, the present and the future.... till...

All of a sudden, I came to the realization that I am recharged with happy energy.... through loving intentions...

And, Happy New Year is a passage from me to all... for, however little I have amounted to this year to pass... I am seeing myself blessed in all different ways I could not have imaged before...

Surely, at times, I can't wonder whether there is a reason for anything at all... still... I prefer to think that things happen for a reason when I have a choice... and I now know that there is always a choice...

10 months and 2 days

My mom reminded me two days ago that... it has been 10 months since the accident.

The funny thing is that... after some time, you stop counting the days and, in stead, you start to count the steps you could take to move forward.

Soon, it will be a whole year while I am still, in the winter's cold, struggling to move 10-12 steps before coming to a rest and in warmer whether, could push to over 20 something steps right after a rest.

What is taking so long is no longer a meaningful question to ask...

The questions, rather, are

How could I have, through out all these times, one step at a time, moving along?

How am I going to, moving through these times, and move on forward?