regression to the mean

I think my body is recovering better....

My life so far... I spent years coping with that head of mine..  later, physical disability and the associated aches and pains etc...

This round, it is the common sickness anybody else could understand, I guess...

All of the symptoms you can find on the introduction chapter of all over-the-counter cold/flu medicine.... Finally went to see the doctor, my uncle told me... bronchitis...

Would love to consider it is statistics 101.... regression to the mean... with the question... when can I regress to the mean and would it ever be possible for that day to arrive?  Could I ever become that outlying data point that fit the regression line perfectly? 8-O lol

Delusion, illusion and other -sions or not... well... guess... I should be authorized to dream? 8-O 8-X

脫竅

1 month or two after my June 19th, 2007 accident, mama cooked me an egg and let me cracked the egg open and eat it... 8-O lol

What it symbolizes is the idea of 脫竅 or 脫殼... essentially... get rid of the bad... bad... bad...



or




Unfortunately, the egg my mama cooked that day was still raw and not yet done.... 8-O lol

It was around this hour 3 years ago when the chair collapsed... and my whole life shattered with it...

I lost everything.... essentially my health and who I thought myself was or was to be.

While everyone else is busy building their career, wealth, smart, etc, I was busy trying to find ways to piecemeal my body and mind together.

OK, I know it is exaggeration, but, I suspect that sometimes it is only healthy to allow myself to be a drama queen once for a while for the sake of it.  It is because... come on... when can I be "authorized" to mourn about my lost functionalities in my knees, shoulders, neck, back and head... especially when now the worker's com case has closed and I have sold my body for money (shoulders and knees only since nobody wants to pay for my back 8-O lol sigh)?  (And, yes, FYI... you don't get compensated for your pains and suffering.  You also don't get compensated for your back in scenarios like mine.  You only get compensated for permanent damages in your shoulders and knees.  It is simply the law. Please noted that here... I am focusing on what I lost.)

So I decided to cook myself an egg this afternoon.... I cracked it open and ate it.  So I took a second to investigate the boiled egg... This time, it is ready... (and I hope so since the egg is already in my stomach and I don't really want to eat this thousand year old egg raw... 8-O lol)



What is the purpose?

Guess, it is a ritual.

A ritual I participate in to help myself let go of the past.

I know that the arrival of June 19th, 2010 will not gonna bring forth a miracle... (I know I am certified crazy... but you think I am stupid?! 8-O lol)

I know I still can not run and I can only walk as fast as my body allow me to... etc.

I am still psychotic while symptoms manageable at a "really" low dose.

Yet, it is a benchmark for me.

Also, most importantly, I am still kicking...

And, the shell-cracking of a cooked egg and the act of eating it is not going to shrink me a whole size so that I can look like them skinny toothpicks on the street.

To be honest, my recent venture into exfoliation from head to toe might do a more real kind of job to help me get rid of my dead skin... and that is part of the ritual as well...  8-O lol

However, so far as I am concerned...

All else I might and might not accomplish with blah blah blah blah blah...

One thing I am sure is... and I just realized is... that...

That egg you saw me eating and was actually cooked well... neither too raw or too old...

That egg was the first egg I boiled in my entire life so far and I did not realize until today that I have never boiled an egg by myself in my entire life... unless... oh... my bad memory... Did I forget?   8-O lol 8-X

Lessons learned: including "Who told your to invade my head?"

One breakthrough in my coping mechanism with the symptoms (people could read my mind and I could sense their presence etc....)--> "I am not responsible for my psychotic symptoms."  and "Who told your to invade my head without permission?"

Unfortunately, there is no standard interventions for my own symptoms.  Some might work for a while and, all of a sudden, doesn't work.  My coping so far... a constant processing of finding out the things that might work.

Taking symptoms such as people could read my mind and hear my thought thing...

You could tell yourself that... it is but your symptoms.  Yet, good luck with that... if you could win it over this way, they wouldn't have been coined as pathological.

If you don't give a bag of beans about how others feel, you could simply run your mouth on and on at them "unauthorized intruders in your head."  End results, other people might find it difficult to get your attention and find your head all flaky...  This might be the same reason why, sometimes on the street, you hear people all of a sudden yelling at you for no good reason.

Yesterday, for instance, as I was walking down Broadway, this woman came towards me and yelled... "Keep on playing your game!!"

I went... "8-O you could see them people accessing my head without authorizations and you are actually speaking to them?"  (So speak for the synergistic effect of putting two together... 8-O lol sigh)

At the same time, others might feel bad when not-so-nice thoughts would come into their head.  They might feel bad that the not-so-nice thoughts might be known by other people and hurt their feelings.

This is one of my worst enemy... For the longest time, I felt bad when not so nice thoughts would emerge and might hurt the receivers' feelings.... and your know your condition is going down south when it goes from singular to plural because, when you start to feel the presence and hear the voices of many people, your head starts to reenact things like the three kingdoms... 8-O lol sigh

And this is the time when you have your meds up... like what I have to do.. with the minor inconveniences I have to face when going to bed... In addition to them symptoms who have a bad habit of showing up left and right in all forms while you let go of your cognitive control when trying to fall asleep, extremely dry mouth, the sensation of the esophagus getting all tightened up and the body jerking up and down in bed as if a life fish out of water on a chopping board....

Life used to be much easier... you pop the meds, it knocks you down and put your asleep.  The worst thing could happen is for you to feel all dumb all days... none of them physical kinda stuffs... sigh

Then, the light ball went off earlier today and I realized that one way of responding to these kind of incidence is to say to myself...

"I have no control over my symptoms otherwise they will not be called pathological symptoms.  In addition, my head is my head and who the hell are you to intrude my private thoughts... pathological or not.  That should teach you a lesson being beaten up by my disordered thoughts left and right."

(Remember... the reason why symptoms are symptoms is because of the intrinsic bias patients have towards the disordered thinking.)

Then I thought of what that strange doctor of mine said to my over 2 years ago...

"放下" or, in English, "Let go."

I could not understand what exactly I have to put down and, today, I bet, the doctor might have no idea either except for he simply knows that is what I have to do.

Since then, I have learned to let go of many things... although I am still not quite sure what I have to learn to let go.

The most recent thing that I learned to let go is to let go of the control over my symptoms... as mentioned in the previous part of the writing.  I have to learn to let the symptoms to simply be symptoms while finding the least stressful way of reacting to them.  (And, of course, it is easier to say than to do... react not...)

In addition, in my previous life, people mostly could not tell that there is anything not so normal about me... until the point of the accident when I fell free from a collapsing chair in sitting position.

From then on... till today... it is just a normal part of my life to walk abnormal and go into abnormal states.  At this point, when it occurs... whether it is my limping around... sleep walking... experiencing excruciating pains migrating through my body as I take my walk ... etc... It is just the way it is so let it be.  And, hopefully, if I let it run through... I will be able to walk out of it.... and luckily, I have been able to walk in and out of strange states so far....

Essentially, I am regressing back to the mean and simply need to fill the quota.... Nowadays, I am having a paradigm shift in my MO... pretending no more... trying no more to act like them people-- normal... though I still do have my boundary and though I have no idea what it really means to act normal. 8-O  Somehow, something tells me that this is what it takes... I simply have to do it and get it over with.

Of course, God knows whether any of these thoughts are intuition or delusions...  Everything shifts and morphs all the time...  Along this line of thinking... I have given up trying to figure out how sane or insane I might be.  Somehow... no need no more.... unless... insufficient cognitive capacity.  In addition, the want to figure it out make you think and convoluted thinking drive you even nuttier.

In addition, this idea just came to me yesterday.... what about creative writing? 8-O

Etiology and its implications: Why I went nuts

Sometimes I think the reason why I went nuts might have to do with the fact that...

I tried to hold back judgment on people because I understood blah blah blah blah blah blah...

Somehow I think the whole holding judgment and being understanding thing might have used up all my available memory and caused the system to constantly hang or crash.  8-O

One thing I have been trying to learn in this new life is to be "normal" or "human"... to reclaim the rights to make judgments about people's deeds and speech as per my "perception" and to authorise myself to feel pissed off...

For instance, one thing that really pisses me off is to see how evil people could be to use my disability as a weapon against me.

I am not BS-ing you that I don't have an evil side since I have this belief that everyone has an evil side except for one might just not want to face it. (see 墨子)

Since God forbids me from cursing people as per my delusional thoughts...

My evil side is that... the next time somebody pisses me off by using my disabilities (e.g, physical) as a weapon against me, I am gonna beat them up good with my cane 8-O to teach them a lesson on what it means to be like me to be in a "extended partial recovery course." (see page 154 about the process of coming back in Strauss and Corbin (1990) Basics of Qualitative Research: Grounded Theory Procedures and Techniques.) (Oops... a bit too violent... no good modeling to children... not to mention I can't even kill a bug  without squinting or move my own butts fast enough... sigh...  Guess this is the reason why they took my cane away and gave me a walker instead in the cuckoo cuckoo's nest. 8-O lol)

zen moment... zen moment ... God I have sinned... 8-O

Apparently, I am gradually moving into a state of anger... rather than simply low and depressed....

And, of course, if you say... this chick got issues...

No truer words... my head splits and my body broken... etc...

There ain't no doubts that I've got issues... so many that you don't wanna know... 8-O lol sigh

And, I got an issue with being disabled?  Which part of my English don't you understand?  8-O lol sigh

Deduct

So all the money I made through going back to work will be deducted from the compensation check because the school will be get reimbursed for the salaries they paid me for doing work.

So I think...

What kind of fucked up social justice is that?

You screwed me up my health and life all over and the college is taking a share of the compensation for my permanent injuries on both my shoulders and knees away as well? And this is a college that blah blah blah about social justice, equality and anything else alike along this theme? What about you also taking over all that I have been given including the damages and sufferings? 8-O lol

It is like your pimp led you to prostitute your body for pennies and now the pimp is taking a cut.... 8-O

No wonder I am really injured.... when you come back to say... it is as if I am screwed all over again and bringing them all old traumas back to the table... 8-O lol sigh

And, no wonder I have to believe in Karma... Ain't nobody gonna run into me how many times.... I will just let karma do the work.... for nice people do nice things karma knows... due diligence etc along that line or not... part of its law.... 8-O lol

zen moment zen moment ... 8-O lol sigh

Now I understand why people should not go back to work since they would really be doing work for free without an option.

For me? Work keeps me sane and sustain my health. It is necessary.

Regardless, the whole thing is pretty fucked up.

And, I guess I am authorised to complain... now the case is closed... by myself... only healthy... 8-O lol sigh

Don't know what I am complaining about? Live your life and God bless...

And, if I had ever thought the institution would give a damn about its workers, I was delusional provided I am certified delusional. What about you... children? Still siding with your institution and thinking, if it were you, it would have been different? Or else... do you have that well known fallacy that I had up to June 19th, 2007... ain't no nothing could happen to me.... ;-) 8-O lol sigh

Speaking of El Wood's bad hair day about Bruser's law.... watch out for your own hair.... 8-O

Time for origami....

Reaction

So they say... one thing at a time...

So I lived through the trial and I was waiting for the bus...

How should I react?

My experiences so far seem to hint that it is not so healthy either looking only at the bright side because not so bright is not so bright...

So they say... taking perspectives...

So I thought... I need to allow the anger out concerning my reaction towards the whole 9 yards...

For others, the ruling might simply mean money...

For me, personally, the settlement is about the whole 9 yards I have lived so far and I have to live with through out my life.

So I thought of this comment made by my last shrink... "You are authorised to feel angry."

So I mourn and I complained... at work, off work... into my walk... allowing my thoughts to swing whichever way it would like to go...

And, of course, I let my body to whatever it would like to do while letting my head going through its own motion...

At some point, the venting blah blah blah.... apparently stopped... and I went back to dwell in venting no more...

So I kept on walking and let the body do its own thing...

All curious... "That's it? Ain't so bad."

Is it the end of it or not?

Is it the right way to do it or not?

God knows...

Crutch

My coworker told me about how this lady has been harassing people at work...

I have had my encounter with this lady as well myself...

Let's put it this way... I am crazy and she ain't normal either... based on my hunch...

Then, I heard of how this lady has been causing problems at public places... causing disruptions to the others...

However, perhaps, other people also sensed that her head is also sort of flaky like mine... people put up with it...

So I heard those stories with a common theme emerged... she wants it... she demands it... and she engages in conducts that cause disruption to other people's rights... so as to get what she wants... Perhaps but hopefully not, with this thought in her mind... I am going to push as far as I could because I know it has worked...

The stories I have heard are but simple manifestations of the principle of conditioning...

What gets me upset about this scenario is to see how her behavior patterns are tainting the "reputation" of the people with mental health problems.

Maybe this is another gross sin of mine...

Yet, what I hate most are people who use their conditions as a crutch... because, then, the "normies" would come to the conclusion that all patients with mental health condition are like that.

This gets me mad.

So I told people...

If she is not flaky in the head, she has to be stopped from causing further disruptions or harassment to other people.

And, if she is really flaky in the head, she also has to be told to stop from continuing to engage disruptive actives.

You see, even when patients are in the psychiatric wards and when their conditions are worse, if you engage in disruptive or harassing activities, the staffs on duty will tell you to stop. The staffs might even take away your privilege such as going out for fresh air... the smoking break. By taking away such privileges, you are taught that you are responsible for your behavior even when you are locked up in the cuckoo's nest.

This is because what is wrong is wrong regardless your mental health status.

This is also sort of like a jerk is a jerk regardless of cultural background.

I can't speak for everyone but I believe I might not be speaking for only myself....

Even in the worse of the conditions when one no longer lives in the reality as we know, most of us still have the basic sense of what is right and wrong...

Make no mistake...

There eventually comes to a time when that boundary of right and wrong becomes grayer and grayer... and this is usually when you are dire in the reign of insanity...

This is when you speaks of the neighbor's dog...

This is when you keep on calling your supervisor to open someone else' office because you thought you have been given the authorisation to enter the room to pick up someone's body.... 8-O 8-X

This is why you do not go to teach the scheduled class and simply disappeared for the entire semester because you thought you have informed the president of that college telepathically... Even in this scenario, when you are only hours away from institutionalisation, you still know about responsibilities and consequences....

And, did I lose the opportunity for a full time job and the sponsored green card afterwards? Yes. I did. It is because there are consequences to your actions in real life whether you live in a different reality or not.

So they say... I did not promise you a rose garden and I somehow suspect that it might be applicable for most people... 8-O

True... patients with mental health conditions might also have other peculiar problems associated with the conditions...

You could be slow and really slow...

You could have limited ability to process information because the cognitive ability you have you hand on is the half size of a peanut when others' have it the size of a soccer field....

You could have limited affect or motivation... and all else otherwise not explicitly identified here...

However, it is my belief that most of us try to make efforts to do what we could do.

When we have a job, we try to perform our duties as well as we could.

For instance, I remember the time when I was at the Taipei City Psychiatric Institute. In this institute, patients whose conditions are more stable and whose functioning are higher have the chance to work in the shop and in the cafe as part of occupational therapy. They might be slow. They might sometimes fall short in affect and expressions. They might appear to be curiously and stringently adhering to the rules. Yet, you know and, in case you do not know... they are trying their best to perform their job and to be responsible.

It is also sort of like when I was inside of the hospital and they assign us to help out making sandwiches. We make sure that we put in ham, cheese and anything that is supposed to be inside properly even unless there is a special order.

Some of us might not be as "(not quite sure how you put it)" as the rest. Yet, I know many of us try to do as well as we could in the face of constraints.

At the same time, I am not saying that there is no need for accommodations...

A lot of times, despite that fact that we have busted our heads trying our best, our best is still not enough.... and very much not enough... At this point, it is dependent on other people's good well to accommodate us. And, I sincerely believe that those of us who have been granted with the opportunities are thankful to the accommodations.

I know I have rambled on for too long…

After all, one thing I am trying to say is that… there is the need for accommodation… and, personally, especially nowadays when I have been disabled in both body and mind while trying to recover… it is the accommodations that have enabled me to do many things in life that I otherwise would not have been able to do.

Yet, like many others, I try and I take pride in what I could do.

And, I believe I am not the only one who has a problem with those using their condition as a crutch so as to bully people out of their way. 8-O (did I say that... 8-O oops...)

That gets me mad and I do not like it at all.

On a second thought, guess the reason why I feel so comfortable making these comments is because… I am one of us and you can't tell me that these are discriminating comments since I am speaking of myself and on behalf of myself... 8-O lol

One of the added value I guess for being so very well endowed.. 8-O lol

And, perhaps, maybe the person I have in mind is simply... pushy.... That's all. 8-O lol

And.. man.. I thought too much and it's making my head hurt... and now I have to go back to origami to relax my head... 8-O 8-X

I-don't-know-ness

Just came to the realisation unless rediscovered...

I am terminally in an I-don't-know state.... defined by the propensity to put on hold all further interpretations beyond the initial reaction.

A state within which further interpretation and reaction should only be authorised upon concrete evidence such as explicit verbal inputs.

While... I used to be in an eternal state of hypothesis generation and interpretation.... with the tree structure as a visual representation for this type of processing....

Could it be hardwired? I don't know.... 8-O lol 8-X

An adaptation to low latent inhibition, perhaps?

Forgotten

Once again... it happens...

Them dasein moments gone...

In between... exercise time.

I would hate to say there is something about the exercise I do. Although I have absolutely no idea what on earth I have been doing all these times.... Swear to God....

Since dosage down... where is mania?

If there is anything true that the only time to catch sprache is when it is done. Who spricht? For it ain't quite feel like it had out come of my mouth? 8-O

Dissociation disorder? 8-O 8-X

Still though... feeling things flowing in my head and gonna get ready for bed to let everything go flowing in my dream where everything is authorised to come out and play... 8-O lol

Turning point

I think it was around May last year that my computer died...

I had upgraded and upgraded this desktop of mine so many a time... from hard drive to video card to memory...

When the power supply gave up, this desktop of mine just won't wake up again... however hard I tried... forget about slow... it simply remained in a state of "stop"... (which I am finding myself to do fairly frequent nowadays as the temperature drops to below 30... 8-O lol)

So, I took the second hard drive out for this friend of mine to check and see whether the hard drives were fried.

The good news I heard then was that... the hard drive was still alive...

It was the time before my accident...

It was a time when I was still running around working 24/7.... and, I never had the chance to go over to my friend's office to back up the data on da hard drive...

Then, around the middle of June, I became the victim of the weak G... and entered into the arbeitslos era...

No longer was I working 24/7... yet, too far for me to reach... them data on da hard drive...

After I was locked out from the US and after I finally returned, my friend has left for a different job.... leaving me wondering around... looking for da hard drive among all other hard drives in one of the desktops in her old office...

That hard drive of mine was once-upon-a-time state of the art technology.... that's all that I recall.... its size, its maker and what's on it... already forgotten...

The only thing I knew for sure was... it is my hard drive...

Finally, today, I caught this new coworker who took over my friend's job... He had brought in a kit to help us read the data on the drives...

So, he chose one of the hard drive from one of the computer... He plugged the cable in and powered the hard drive on...

When the drive finally appeared on the machine, we went into the drive and found a folder with my name on it...

Alas! After over a year and half, and, at the first trial, I finally reclaimed the core of my past.... (8-O lol) so I thought...

Call me crazy if you want to and I authorize you to do so...

Yet, looking back... it felt as if that the sudden death of my desktop was the prelude of a beginning to an end and an end to another beginning....

It is as if it was the pre-quake before a major earthquake except for I did not see the sign...

It is as if, just when I thought a part of my past was dead, long gone and irreclaimable, I found out that, in reality, today, the memory remains, the memory finally became accessible, and, after all these time, I have finally found and I am ready to pick up what I had left behind....

Seeing it from the perspective of tag language, it is as if the death of the desktop opened the tag for all things happened in between while the retrieval of the data from da hard drive closes the tag...

And... so I thought...

Here comes the turning points... when orders restore where old projects can finally be completed-- paving a path for new projects to unfold...

(Of course, or... simply delusional thoughts... 8-O lol)

Birthday 2

It is funny, though, that, in Taiwan time, the accident that led to my being really in pain and disabled took place 6 month before or after my birthday in Taiwan time.

It was my birthday last year-- the time when the workers com stopped authorizing treatment and my disability checks was cut down to cover only half my rent- after IME ...

Is there really some significant correlation between the two? I don't know and, perhaps, I would never know....

One thing I do know is that...

By this birthday... I am able to move far enough to see my dentist in Flushing and rush back for the office party... (Rushing.... a concept I had thought that I would never grasp again... even if it were only 6 months ago...)

By this birthday... I am working to pay my room and board... SES didn't change much but, at least, my life is no longer dependent on anyone else's authorization anymore...

This is the birthday that I will always remember.... and, I think, one that I can make people who care about me to be proud of me as well....

The hawk

After work, I went to the park doing my every changing God knows what... (ok... my voice tell me to call it 氣功).

For reasons unknown, I stopped at a different location and start to move in however way that I am moved....

At some point, I saw a big bird resting on the tree....

To the passersby, I pointed.... "Hi, come see... there is a very big bird on the tree..."

One of the lady told me... "That a hawk. Must be looking for a rat."

I happily responded, "I am a rat. I was born in the year of the rat." 8-O lol

The lady replied, "Me as well!"

So I kept on doing whatever I was moved to do... sometimes checked out the hawk....

Then, I thought of what the professor said in class about symbols... how ravens symbolize something between life and death... (oops... sorry... it is my bad memory... it is not me...)

After I got home, about hawks I googled.... the symbolic meaning of hawks....

Somewhere I found...

Source I

Animal Symbolism – A combination of cultures

Hawk - Nobility, recollection, cleansing, messenger, observer, Solar, clarity, discrimination, inspiration, the soul.


Native American Animal Symbolism

Hawk - Awareness, Truth

Additional Native American Symbolism (many duplicates):

Hawk--Messenger of the sky, observer

Various Native American Cultures

Hawk-Strength, Foresight, Truth


Source 2

Hawk's Wisdom Includes:

1. Clear-sightedness
2. Being observant
3. Far-memory
4. Messages from spirit
5. Guardianship
6. Recalling past lives
7. Courage
8. Wisdom
9. Illumination
10. Seeing the larger picture
11. Creativity
12. Truth
13. Experience
14. Wise use of opportunities
15. Overcoming problems

Source 3

HAWK - is the messenger. IT is also about visionary power and guardianship, the hawk is very protective of the young in its nest. It teaches us about providing for family and self. Hawk teaches us to be observant and to pay attention to what we may overlook. This could mean a talent we don't use, a blessing for which we haven't expressed gratitude, or a message from Spirit. The hawk has keen eyesight, it is about opening our eyes and seeing that which is there to guide us.
Source 4

In representation to humanity, the hawk is called messenger, protector and visionary. Keen vision is one of it’s greatest gifts. Hawks see things others miss.

The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground....
Source 5

1. Awareness of the Big Picture
2. Guardianship
3. Truth
4. Channeling
5. Visionary
6. Latent Power
7. Messages from the Blue Road of Spirit
8. Higher Calling
9. Illumination
10. Observation

Source 6

Hawks Traditionally used as messengers of the Gods, these swift raptors teach us to be observant and clear-sighted, to see the larger picture and react with swiftness, strength and courage. They symbolize solar energy and warrior spirit.
The funny thing is....
The last time I saw a big bird like this... don't know whether it is the same one... it was once in the winter's day... by Lerner Hall... leading the path of my life towards the cuckoo cuckoo's nest... 8-O lol
Today, insane still I am... yet...
At a point when I am going to live the phenomena as phenomena...
At a point when I am pondering about letting go of psychoanalyzing myself... for enough done... no longer my reponsibility... it was needed before, somehow.... no need any more... as long as I could refrain myself from doing so... (authorization granted by your Defectory Fool to all who want to psycho-anything me to death...) 8-O lol
At a point when I submit my life to be the Parsifal I am supposed to be... fighting all these times to be abnormally normal... now simply accept all that's normally abnormal... though I yet have to find my own version of the holly grail... 8-O lol
Think about it... what is the password? Perhaps, the password is again right within my reach... except for... I am still waiting to see when I am gonna come out from them circles...
Or, perhaps, the message delivered by the hawk was... turn that VCR off so that you could watch your TV.... like NOW.

The utility of 英英美代子: Mental Health

For the past two months, I have been spending the majority of my time swinging around at home and haven't paid my head too much mind.

So, I took myself to the head department for a check up.

Arriving at the waiting room for the psychiatry department and knowing there would still be much waiting time, I decided to stand up and do some of that leisure 英英美代子 swinging.

There were other people waiting to see the doctor....

Yes... so there might be a good chance for these people to find me... "cuckoo cuckoo" or "extraordinarily cuckoo cuckoo"....

Yet, I thought to myself...

Isn't it the psychiatry department I am visiting and doesn't such fact authorize me to be my abnormal self? 8-O lol

So I leisurely did my boring simple swinging activities till t's time the nice nurse lady called.

Throughout the duration of mine waiting time, no one really "showed" their special attention towards my body movements except for this young man....

He kept on trying to look at me while trying to pretend that he was looking at me....

It is as if he found me to be a patient in a far worse state and deserve some serious investigations... in my interpretation although I have no inkling what state he is in....

Yet, at the end of the day, I came to the realization that such might be the only thing good I did the whole day....

Taking it outside, my 英英美代子 swinging activity, to the waiting room of the psychiatry department, at least I might have shown to the others... "Gees... I am doing well comparatively...."

For that young man, based on the laughter he tried to keep within himself, I know, to a certain degree, my existence entertained him.... lol

Such concludes the posting on the utility of taking my 英英美代子 activity outside on mental health conditions. lol

(PS. The number I was assigned was 59. Yet, the nurse called me in when it was turn for number 39. Such also led me to wonder whether it might have something to do with me, in public, swinging.... Of course, again, it might just be some thought cooked up by my exceptional imagination.... 8-O lol)

From the utilities of 英英美代子: Happiness and fear

I walked out the doctor’s office very happy the other day…

Not only could I not control the smile on my face while mildly limping along a bit… I was so happy that I even burst out laughing for no good reason on the street…

It is as if happiness was overflowing to the extent of getting out of control….

It felt as if happiness has originated from my heart, radiating through my body and released into the air… while what I meant by the heart is about the location that you might call the chest—the same place where the air comes out when you sigh.

Nothing special really…

I had not won a lottery.

Miracle did not happen so as to take all my conditions away—physically or mentally.

It was not about what I had gained. Rather, it was about what I could give.

Sometime during the meeting with my doctor, the doctor asked for my permission to bring in three other doctors whom he might be supervising.

So, the five of us sat in the small room—including me, the case, we watched some of the videos I took and my conditions were discussed (speaking of the useless doctoral degree I got in Instructional Technology.... apparently, could come handy somehow in some capacities? 8-O lol)

For instance, I showed them one of the clips I took on the day of 大暑 or the Great Heat, one of 24 Chinese 節氣.

After my walk along the main street 忠孝東路 in Taipei (see On Pain for more information), the swinging activities I engaged in has become milder and milder. However, the movements my body around 6-7 o’clock in the afternoon on the day of the Great Heat were back to be of great intensity.



One of the questions asked by the doctor was, “Have you learned to dance before?”

My answer was, “Nope. It is just the body’s own movement.”

Back to the topic of happiness…

How does the sideway story have anything to do with the topic of happiness?

Ya… so I walked out of the doctor’s office-- realizing that I have become one of the case study for these residence doctors….

It occurred to me….

Speaking of the utilities of the everyday thing….

Speaking of the meanings of my conditions…

Now I know that there are educational implications to the path I have traversed, be it pain, disability or else not classified.

It reminded me of my last institutionalization in the New York Psychiatric Institution….

For all these years, I kept my blog and tried to see whether there is a way for the psychiatric experts to make use of my mental health condition. Unfortunately, case studies can’t quite be accounted as scientifically sound research. My level of functionality also doesn’t make me, representative, the psychiatric population they want to study (based on what I was once told).

Then, finally, this year in February, right after I took down the original Down with Meds: Ratology blog, I was institutionalized again.

One day, my doctor who was in residence came to me and asked me whether I could be a case for their studies.

When the time came, he escorted me to a room in the back, sat me in front of the group, and interviewed by a quest speaker-- a topnotch psychoanalyst in the world.

What did I talk about? I don’t quite recall now…

What could they learn from my case? Only they could know…

Yet, even if my blog could be of no help to no one (double-negative), at least… having been a case for the medical experts in training to study… there are educational implications to my mental health conditions.

Guess this is why, again, Ratology had to go down….

Guess this is why Ratology was and is reloaded…

No longer does it have to do with what I could prove to you whether a sojourner could amount to anything.

The load has been shifted… not mine solely to carry.

I have carried what I could carry for a long enough time… perhaps, only to gather enough phenomena with you to share.

The moment I walked out of the rooms… I knew I have given what I could give and what could be used is dependent on the receivers individually.

This is why I am happy, still, and, perhaps, because the happiness originating from giving or the eventual finding of outlets to give bears no fear of being lost... (sort of like the state in which this video in a previous posting represents-- on pain)

How could one fear losing something whose sole purpose is to be given unconditionally?

(And, I did walk even better after coming out from the doctor's office. I authorize you to psychopathologize it all that you might want to... for it might really have something to do with the state of my 心理 or psychology... lol)

Anniversary

It was not until this afternoon did I come to the realization that…

Man… today mark the one year anniversary of the accident that took away my health and a job away from me.

In addition to TV watching, eating and sleeping, all that I do everyday now is… think of nothing, try to release all attempt my mind has to control my body and allow 原神 to repair my body through 行氣. 行氣 involves the sensation of energies moving around your body and could result in movement looking like tai chi--- a more extended version of my swinging movement mentioned in my earlier posting— it is something I used to thought as my sensory and motor hallucinations and now confirmed by people who have had experiences of 行氣.

It was June 19th, 2007, when I was sitting attentively in a meeting about urban education, munching on a piece of raison bran cookie, and, when the foldable chair collapsed under me into one flat piece.

My life now and then seems to be night and day or day and night.

Up to June 19th, 2007, I was young, enthusiastic, energetic, and, perhaps, helpless with my wishful thinking in all capacities.

I vowed to contribute to the betterment of the urban education--- those entitled by our inner city kids.

There are those kids, parents, and the schools that I came across with… I spoke of them as if they were my own.

The topics of discussion in my everyday life surrounds… organizational change, instructional technologies, psychology, research methodology… etc.

Then, the accident fell from the sky and I fell straight on the floor in sitting position at full force.

I remember clearly how in the first week or two, I could still make comments like… “Thank God it is me who sustained the injury for I am still young… It would be much worse off if it were my boss, the faculty members or the school principals because they are older and it would have caused far more inconvenience to some part of the worlds’ important operations.” (Think about a principal-less inner city school for instance).

Today, I would say such comments are as dump and as obnoxious as possible for… not only was I 泥菩薩過江自身難保, such thinking also seem to insinuate a certain degree of importance I assumed about my “suffering.”

So, I walked up and down the street of New York, seeing the green leaves on the trees turning color till eventually leaving on the bare branches. Coming out of the winter, I also walked into my everyday life finding more and more trees blossom and budding till the trees, again, turned green--- at least at the last sight I have of my New York City.

I have gone from receiving disability check till the money discontinued leaving me no income to cover my living expenses.

I have one from being authorized to receive treatment for my spinal injury till I had the greatest difficulties getting physical therapy for my back despite of the court order.

There might have been pains, disability, anger, frustration, depression, delusion, and, the perceived social injustice.

I have gained weight, lost weight, and gain weight again.

In between, I have also gone in and out the New York Psychiatric Institution.

And, let’s not forget how that conversion disorder and psychosomatization thing--- the all inclusive answer to the question that how could my 4-6 disc herniation going from cervical, thoracic to lumbar spine plus the straighten cervical spine caused pains and disability so severe and lasting for such a duration.

In addition to the above, I also received some bad news from the Department of the Homeland Security of the US twice… the first time was about the denial of my self-sponsoring green card as an extraordinary alien while, the second time is more recent—the denial of my Visa application which happened last week.

Looking back, it seems to be fairly self-evident that I have amounted to nothing more than words I have written down through my blog throughout the whole year.

While within this time… many more unfortunate natural disasters globally later and bad economy everywhere in the world reported…. And more.

It is quite weird to look at how evidently useless a year of my life had gone by--- especially when I was thinking about it while swinging my body doing the 行氣 thing on the balcony earlier in the evening.

So I got a cake and my dad boiled two eggs tonight to celebrate the one year anniversary of the accident--- or, perhaps, it is more appropriate to call it the “coming out celebration from my injuries.”

Before he boiled the eggs, my dad mentioned to me about the egg boiling thing… because the act of cracking and pilling off the egg shelf (脫殼) is a symbol of getting over the past…

I welcomed his suggestion and this comment slipped out naturally… “不過是一個殼子而已” (but a shell)--- oops… and I sort of understood what it means…

This makes me wonder, other than my verbal diarrhea in written version, other than the loving thoughts I have and other than the weight I gained… Could it be that this year was not all for nothing although all those once so very important things now seems fairly nothing to me?

Maybe I am in shock, in denial, too drugged out or in everything else otherwise not classified…. Yet… so I thought… life, oh, life.

What do I know....

The Workers Com Matrix

Despite of all the feeling nothing kinda bullshit I have been talking about all these times, I am now reaching a point when I can blow off when things have gone far enough.

So, I have been waiting to get back to receive physical therapy for my back since November 2008 after the workers com insurance company denied the authorization for all treatments based on the report of the Independent Medical Examiner (IME).

After my first court date in January, I had to wait for a long time till finally the physical therapy place had a slot for me for an appointment.

Unfortunately, I was not able to make that appointment because of the following three reasons:

1. I missed my orthopaedics doctor's appointment on February 12th, 2008 because I went to the ER to rest my head and body
2. The physical therapy place would not be able to see me because they said I needed a new prescription from the orthopaedics doctor
3. My next appointment with the orthopaedics doctor was supposed to be in late February

The day I got discharged from the Cuckoo's nest, I went to the office of the orthopaedics doctor and made sure I got the prescription for physical therapy.

It took me 2 weeks to finally get to an appointment. Yet, when waiting, this lady came in saying something like, "she failed IME and she is only authorized be treated for her knee."

So, OK, I was being treated for my knees for 2 sessions until Workers' Com insurance denied the authorization for all my treatment again.

All that I could do is to wait for the court day to come again and try to do my ordinary stretching and exercise routines.

The court day finally came again where there was the ruling that I should continue to receive benefits such as treatment.

When I call up the physical therapy place, they indicated they won't be able to see me until the workers com gives them documentations indicating my treatment is authorized.

I waited and waited till the letter from the court arrived...

I called back to the physical therapy place; yet, they still insist my treatments were not authorized and they needed a letter from workers' com despite the court order.

So, I called the Workers' Com Board and the person who spoke with us said no one needs no letter from them. Maybe I shall contact my adjuster directly.

I called the insurance company and spoke with my adjuster. She indicated that she had authorized the treatment and forwarded the documentations and would do it again immediately.

I called back to the physical therapy place, which still insisted on having no record of receiving anything from the insurance company while, later same day, I got a phone call from the physical therapy place stating now it was possible for me to get an appointment (last Thursday).

Today, I called back to the physical therapy place to make an appointment for the initial evaluation for treatment on my back. I was told again that the authorization was only given to my knee although what I really need is treatment for my back.

So, again, I tried to call the adjuster and could not get a hold of her.

I tried again and she was still busy.

Yet, this time, the person answered the phone asked me what my call was concerning about.

I told him that the physical therapy place said the insurance only authorized treatment to my knee but the court order said I could receive treatment and the adjuster told me the back is also an option.

This round, the workers com receptionist told me, "The doctor's office did not request treatment for the back; only for the knee."

So, I thought it might have something to do with my orthopaedics doctor's office and called them up. The lady answered the phone told me-- the "doctor's office" in this context meant "the physical therapist' office."

I called back again to this physical therapy place.

The lady answered the phone again swore that my authorization for back was denied.

I told them again that the court order in March said I am again entitled for treatment and I spoke with my adjuster who indicated I could receive treatment on my back if I elect to. The problem was that their office sent in the request for therapy on the knee rather than on my back although what the prescription of the doctor indicated treatment on neck, back and knees.

Then, this lady I was speaking with said-- that was sent in by our corporate office... and we just kept on going in circle not going anywhere... 8-O

Then, I guess it was the manager who came to answer the phone... we went through the whole thing again...

She again mentioned that I failed the IME report and the authorization for the back treatment was denied.

I told her the ruling for March again but she didn't seem to care.... and kept on talking about the denial of authorization.

Finally, I asked her when the authorization to the back was denied, she told me... "November."

I repeated myself again... BUT THE RULING OF THE COURT THIS TIME IS IN MARCH AND THE ADJUSTER SAID I COULD HAVE MY TREATMENT TO THE BACK and your office is the one that requested for the treatment on the knee rather than what I am asking for-- my back. (Which part of common sense don't you understand?)

This manager continue to insist on me getting a letter from the adjuster stating the length and the number of sessions I am entitled to... and blah blah blah...

I finally could not and did not want to hold this any more... "Do you make it so difficult to all your patients?"

Yet, at that point, I realized something...

Controlling for all other parties, this place has been making it really difficult for me to get back to therapy.

Possibly, they are really well to do and they don't care whether they have patients or not.

Possibly, they feel they are doing the beneficiaries of workers com a favor because not all places accept workers' com insurance.

I had not decided to switch place because this place is close and they already have my info on file.

However, I thought to myself... sometimes, enough is enough...

The next available appointment for evaluation would be on April 16th and, possibly, I won't be able to get appointments for my real therapy session for a week or so.

By that time, I will be getting ready to go home to receive a combination of Eastern and Western treatments without having to deal with all these BS or, else, I would just look for another place in town.

While the lady on the other side of the line was still going on with the same old tune, yours very rude said something like this to her, "Do you make it so difficult for everyone? This is awful. I don't need it. Thank you. Bye." And, I hang up the phone.

In addition, I didn't fail IME. Rather, I think it is the IME failed humanity and me.

It was awful for me to hang up on people.

However, it felt actually very good because it was almost like I finally decided to get out of an abusive relationship that I could not let go of....

In addition, when I went out to calm myself down with that cigarette of mine, it occurred to me again... I could not be along and there are, have been, may be many other people to be in the same boat....

For about 5 months now, I am still fighting to get back to physical therapy for my back and does anyone wonder why the recovery rate is so very slow?

Insanity

I walked out of my physical therapy evaluation all puzzled again today because, first, I was told that the court reverted the order of physical therapy of the back (by the response I got from asking the question, "even though the physical therapy was authorized in court") and the insurance company would only pay for the kneel rehab now.

Then, there was all these problem about a doctor's note about me going back to work... issued in the afternoon when in the morning I was still institutionalized in the coocoo's nest that day. I asked the lady to specify stair climbing kinda thing as still out of my bandwidth... possibly due to my inability to really think to straight at that time, the lady asked me to me it down in words. I was given the note. And, today, I was told that it might cause trouble now because it is a legal document and I shall have left that note along even though stair climbing is difficult for me.

"When will the storm be by-gone?" I first thought.

"The people at the physical therapy place were reacting to the scenario presented in their face purely because these are annoying correspondences."

I then looked around... and kept on looking around...

I remember this feeling...

Nobody knows me, nobody cares about me, nobody gives a rat's ass about ratology and everyone living in their own world...

This is the feeling called not being delusional... however temporary it might last.

Further down the road I traverse, I thought to myself...

In forensic psychology class, they taught us about the pros and cons of the insanity plead.

"You can't be serious about asking someone just got discharged to be responsible for that note from doctor's office given both the mental conditions and influence of the medications? " You gotta be insane such to intend... and, again, which part of insanity in myself don't I understand? Sigh

(Dosage of the day: 4 mg Risperdal, 50 Seroquel, 1500 Depako, 50 mg Zoloft, 1000 mg Naproxen)