Never mad

On my way home, I walked past these two college kids... overheard what the guy was saying...

"...never mad."

Of course, I knew the self-referential kinda ideology was doing its work getting itself incorporated into my long term memories, possibly.... 8-O lol sigh

Then, I thought to myself... although only have my dosage down for one day, affects and emotions seem to have become more accessible to me....

"... never mad..." So I thought...

Then, my evil twin who is actually this me spoke...

"I am not ever mad... When I am really mad, I would like to choke them with my esophagus spasm, terrorise them with my delusional horror, overcome them with them seemly unfounded emotion, flood them with my idiopathic pain and bombard them with them auditory hallucinations...." 8-O oops lol...

Then, I thought... oops... not very nice.... lady.... do no harm... do no harm...

At the same time, it seems like I am getting more in touch with myself... Guess I am done with shock and denial... and here comes anger... 8-O lol sigh

Then, I thought again... one sentence summarising it all... can't be too bad... I guess... 8-O lol

In addition, it can't be too healthy to process them it can't be too healthy to process them emotions not...

What it be like.. it is because I have not yet learned the skills of dealing with 七情六慾... As a result, they have no way to get released that they have to hide into my unconsciousness and manifest themselves as my delusions and hallucinations... (Nice hypothesis yet hard to prove...)

I didn't do it

Something really strange to me happened today...

I was in a situation which made me wondered... is that "sleeping disorder" I recently acquired contagious? 8-O

Could it be true that I really have acquired some known talent through them swinging activities?

Then, I thought with a relief... even shall that be true... so what? Nature has set its policy on me... and I could do no harm.... 8-O lol

This thing... I guess I would call "intuition" came up to me...

It was not me.

Perhaps, there truly are people with "special talents".... and it is them... I didn't do it... 8-O lol

Then, I thought again... since now nature is bounded by the policy it set on me... my existence could result in no harm to anyone....

I felt happy.... and....

Hopefully, this time, the whole harm thing is not gonna ship me down to the cuckoo cuckoo's nest....

Of course, this belief that there are someone else out there.... was another belief I developed before my last institutionalization in February....

And, as I was reading the above link... for the first time did I realize that... I seem to have been doing that sleep walking through for longer than I am aware of...

Witch hunt

Once every so often, as I am doing whatever I do in the park, this thought would come up to me...

Thank God I live in the modern era.... otherwise.... witch hunt?! 8-O lol

Then, I thought what the doctor had told me repeatedly.... it is all about 氣--- the vital energy that makes up the universe including you and me. It has nothing to do with ghosts, witches, spirits, Gods etc.... in the conventional sense.

What I learned recently through my hallucinations and delusions is... perhaps, it is simply about nature and the power of nature if I could call it this way.... and what I call as nature now might be what I had, once, called... God, spirit, life... etc.. I guess, naming is something that doesn't quite matter anymore for me at this point...



Another lesson the doctor could not stop reminding me was.... be good and don't try to do bad things... especially things that could get me into conflicts because conflicts beget conflicts.... manifested not necessarily in the "just in time" manner....

That brought me back to last night's experiences..

That was the experience that some other forces were trying to invade me and to attack me because they thought I had some special kind of "power".... I laid there--- having the feeling that I am all protected from all angles... with the only concern in my mind.... I have no control over anything... just do no harm....

Some recurrent theme... whenever I am approaching the gate towards the cuckoo cuckoo's nest...

It did not last long and then it ceased...

In dasein... they felt real... while, yes, they are possibly just my delusions, hallucinations, and, the chi that didn't flow quite so smoothly...

Then, as I was doing my exercise in the park this afternoon, one voice I could not shake or one thought that followed me from beginning to end was...

"Do no harm."

The matter of the fact is... well, it is for pure selfish reason... since, I have no control over anything, at least one thing I could do is to rest my faith in nature's forces... to protect me from harming the others... and, thus, myself.... (and, to be honest, at this point of time, if there is anyone I am most afraid of... it would be "myselves".... 8-O lol)

At perhaps, nature has been trying to teach me the same lessons repeatedly... except for... I just kept on missing its points...

So ends my posting on the day I saw that Mr. Hawk hovering in the sky... and, yes, its tail is red... 8-O lol

For more information about what ancient Chinese said about 氣 Chi (Qi) or Qi Kung.... feel free to check out chapter 23- QiGong by Lee, C. & Lei, T. in the book Essentials of Complementary and Alternative Medicine (Eds. W.B. Jonas and J. S. Levin).

Bird day

After a good 10 hours sleep, I got up and went to the park to do some exercises....

Don't know how long into my exercise.... at some point, I saw a blue bird flying to the tree in front of me.... whether it stopped or not, I forgot.... and, in no time, it flew away...

The only thin I remember about that blue bird is that... first, it was blue and second, it has this punk kind of hairstyle on its head... and it was black...

Then, I saw a different bird... sort of smaller than sparrow or maybe baby sparrow...

Later, I found a whole lot of a different kind of birds all around in the trees... the only thing I know about them is they are not pigeons, sparrow and the other kind of bird I often saw in the city... (it seems like the description I could give you is just getting vaguer and vaguer.... 8-O lol)

In any case, I started my day exercising in the park... hearing birds singing and flying everywhere as well as staring at them pigeons and spirals for some time.

In the middle of the day, I went to St. John the Divine, did some more of that yawning and falling asleep kind of thing...

At some point, I started to feel energy coming down from my head and moving through my body... It felt as if it were trying to do something to the left side of my head... right side of my head... and both. Towards the end, there was this feeling... sort of like all boundaries gone and also sort of like I was floating.... Then, at some point, while my eyes closed, I saw visions of light in the sky and doves flying towards me.... Of course, I also heard them voices, too... All these were interrupted by the flash light of a guy who was trying to take pictures in the church.... 8-O lol

As I got up and started to move away.... this voice came... "All these are illusions if not hallucinations." 8-O lol

Then, I went back to the park as per direction of my.... I guess what you would call... intuition...

So I exercised again...

They were not big movements but quickly got me all sweaty from head to toe.

Towards the end, I had the realization that some of them movements sort of make me feel like a fledgling bird strengthening its body while learning to fly... Possibly, these kinds of movements also help to release chi or energies fast.... whatever...

In addition, I also did my laundry and did quite a bit of food shopping for the day....

Voice-wise or thought-wise....

This thought that kept on coming to me recently also spoke up today....

It takes a psychotic and a real Fool (ya. with capital F) to live through all these days because voices are voices and delusions are delusions. At the same time, it took all them yawning and waking up to reset my head.

Whether it is true or not, we will see in time....

And, another strong feeling or thought I had for the whole day is.... "food... food....meat"....

So I got myself fruit, veges and meat.... at various points in the day...

For dinner, I got myself asparagus, meat and fruit....

One more new sentence that kept on coming up was...

"The bubble burst." (Might have to do with what one mentioned one day about them bubbles)

Then, I thought...

Perhaps today I am finally hatched... this is why I kept on wondering around looking for food... and meat.... and no wonder I used to live in the cuckoo cuckoo's nest various times... 8-O lol

One more thought that came back while I was browsing through food in a shop was... "Do no harm." Something that has the propensity to occur when I was on my way back to the nest... 8-O lol

And, by the way, them voices and delusions were not as proliferate today.... might have something to do with the feeling that I just keep on waking up.... 8-O lol (while, that intuition thing tells me... them sleeping moments are needed though, if I sleep through the day, it might make it difficult for me to sleep in the night... lol)

Sorry if there seems to be a lack of them flow in this posting.... such be the my writing under the influence of "minus cognition," I guess.... Sort of like how I used to feel when over-drugged... though I am still on the same dosage that I have been diligently taking on a daily basis...

It would be interesting though to see how tomorrow unfolds...

Third day on 750 mg Depakote

It is very nice feeling to wake up in the morning seeing the sunlight and the heaviness on the chest and the lethargic kinda feeling is sort of going away, I think.

This is the third day for the dosage of Depakote to go down by another 250 mg...

I had come out from the cuckoo's nest taking 1500 mg of Depakote (mood stabilizer) in addition to either Seroquel or Risperdal (antipsychotic drug). In other words, controlling for the amount of antipsychotic drugs I take, within a month, the dosage of depakote has gone down by 750 mg or 50% percent so far.

Based on my personal expressions, too much of either mood stabilizers and antipsychotic drugs often brings me to a state of depressed mood. Since the last thing I want to do in life is to add even more drug to my system such as increasing the dosage of zoloft (antidepressant), it is a preferable alternative for me to see the decrease of downers (mood stabilizer, antipsychotic drugs)rather than the increase of uppers (antidepressant).

At the same time, the fleeting positive symptoms also give me the scares and makes me feel like walking on thin ice as I struggle day by day to cut down on the dosage of the meds to reclaim the functional part of my head while knowing I am only about 1 month apart from the cuckoo's nest.

During my last meeting with my psychiatrist, I wanted and want to try to cut the Depakote down to 500 mg this week because my head just won't start up and it does not feel so good to be disabled both physically and cognitively.

I said to my doctor, "It's been a month and I can't get my head back (let along the body)."

My shrink provided an alternative view, "It's only been a month."

He wants me to cut down by 250mg only and takes it slow.

Yet, I want to move on with my live and I am done with this Patience thing.

Then, this song came up again to my mind...

Life on the inside is not all that hip...

Life on the outside also is not all that it's cracked up to be (although I know that, when comparing to many other of my folks, I am much luckier because I have a job to go back to for my occupational therapy and... OK... tho cases in the following song shall really still be locked up in my biased opinion...).

Let the loonies loose
BB and The Medicine Men

(By the way, I don't think the lyrics below is applicable to my fellow patients. I believe they are people who do no harm to the others--- just gifted like me... Please read not simply at the surface level and think of their struggles to reenter the society. The majority of psychotic patients I have known do not fit into how psychotics are portraited in the media.)

It was a sunny afternoon in the middle of a springtime week
We were all painting pretty pictures and waiting for our daily pills
Then this pensive little nurse walks in with a message in her hand
She says she has an announcement -
so we all gather around and hear these magic words

(GIRL) Boys, you're free to leave
They're blaming it on the economy
So get your things and follow me
The time has come to turn the asylum key

We walked right out,in single file
All dressed in white, going out in style
All kinds of sickos wearing different kinds of smiles

Bye bye Bob (GIRL) Roadside Strangler (Deep voice)
Gonna miss ya, Billy Child molester
Later..... uhhhh, Jack Grandfather Raper
Charlie... please return that jacket Diagnosis undefinable

Well being back on the outside wasn't all that it's cracked up to be
Finding a job and a place to live with my resume wasn't easy
All my funny farm buddies were experiencing the same dilemma
So most of us kinda slipped back into our old ways - just like before

We walked right out, in single file
All dressed in white, going out in style
All kinds of sickos wearing different kinds of smiles

Let the loonies loose......
Let the loonies loose
Let the loonies loose......
Let the loonies loose.....
Cause we've got nothing to lose

Cable channels and tabloid papparazzis loved it
So did the writers, the publishers and the video chains
The massmedia was having a field day -
We were kinda celebreties
They were making movies, we were free
Everybody was happy -
Cause they had.........

Let the loonies loose......
Let the loonies loose
Let the loonies loose......
Let the loonies loose.....
Cause we've got nothing to lose

Well, sometimes I kind of have my regrets,
I know I hurt some folks like real bad
But society has no place left for me and it needs to cutback all its excess fees
So now I'm the regular guy down the street -
Hey kids, Want some candy????

Let the loonies loose......
Let the loonies loose
Let the loonies loose......
Let the loonies loose.....
Cause we've got nothing to lose

Copyright & Publishing Misty Music SWEDEN