Pain perception and Psychosomatization

When doing my physical therapy, I chatted with this neighbor who was, apparently, very much in pain and is leaving for the US tomorrow.  Somewhere along our chit-chatting... the notion of relaxing and ignoring pain came up.  Since she had to go, I didn't have the chance to clarify fully with her what I had wished to convey, and since the thoughts have already emerged, I might as well share it with you... some notions I might have spoke of... buried in the scarily huge amount of limited my words... 8-X

When she revealed that she was advised to try to relax, I also suggested to her that when the pain is manageable, it would be good for her to try to learn to focus on anything other than pain (though I have no idea whether things outta my mouth were interpreted in accordance to what I intended to express during our chit-chatting).  

Since somewhere out there and someone else might be going through the issue of coping with pain and discomfort, I decide to come back to the topic again.

Regardless, somewhere during the chit-chatting, the notion of in your head arise... which, inevitably, reminds me of the notion of psychosomatization.

Let me speak of pain first... it is my believe that among the multidimensionalities of pain, there should be one dimension labeled as "manageability."  Some pain is more manageable than others-- I know it because the aches and pains I have to endure today is far more manageable than what I had to live with years back when the body was in ground zero... after the accident in 2007 and after the chiropractor's manipulation in 2010.  For most people suffering from excruciating pain that takes out the full control of cognitive processing, with proper treatments and therapeutic interventions, the day shall come when unmanageable pain becomes more manageable... at some point.

Personally, after the pain becomes more manageable, it becomes much easier to focus on something to distract myself from bodily comfort, and to practice the art of ignoring pain. (Sounds almost like the notion of ignoring my psychotic symptoms... so it is... the story of my ain't-no-nothing-new-ever-happen life. 8-O lol)  When the time comes for the pain to be manageable, you will know.

I always remember, one day, how my disability coordinator at worker's com said... something like... "You might just have to live with the pain" since that's what many others do.  I was absolutely upset by the notion of "well, just live with that pain" while I can't stop asking myself... "Could it be true that it is me too lame to live with the pain that no one else have problem living with?"   It was not until the pain finally became manageable did I understand that it is possible to live with the pain... except for... it was not until when the pain became manageable to me did I realize that... yes... I might have to live with that pain and I think I can live with it.

So, how does relaxing have anything to do with anything?

When people are stressed, they feel tensed... psychologically and physically.  Think about it... if my nerves are already impinged, what good would it do for the surrounding tissues already two-tents?  Make it three tents, I guess?  Unless enough tents to build a village?  This is why the experts recommend again and again--telling us to relax.  At the same time, though I am no big proponent for pain killers--since I have surely had my share of quota and suffered from it-- when I sense the conditions are to go beyond the level of manageability, I would pop my pill of Alleve to prevent things from escalating.  Yet, relaxing is an art... an art I yet have to learn to master and I don't know whether there would come one day when I will learn to truly relax.  Yet, since it is my own body and my own suffering, who else is to work on it... I guess?

Next in line... it's all in your head... Of course, it really is all in your head since it is your head that performs pain perception.  In addition, them neurotransmitters such as serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine all have been found to work for the department of pain modulation.  Also, organic changes in brain structure been found in people suffering chronic pain.  The only thing I can say about it's all in your head is that... accept it!  It surely is all in your head! 8-O lol

What about that good old notion of psychosomatization?  Psycho and soma are, beyond a doubt, interlinked... sort of like... the serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine in the pain modulation department are the same serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine contributing to, for instance, my private mental department.  Thus, there is no doubt that psycho affects soma and vice versa. (Gotta say though... whether my mental model of psychosomatization is the same as others' mental model of psychosomatization...)

Sounds like more bad news than good news I have been sharing so far...

OK... now I have run through my facts... Yet,  facts are all good but insufficient because what is most important is to say, given the facts, so what can can be done to live when all possible organic changes have incurred or there is nothing organic and when all is but psychosomattic?

For me, personally, it took me years of living with what I have and what I have to live through to come to the following way of thinking... regardless the cause... all psychosomatic, all organic or the combination of both psychosomatic and organic...  Take the extreme scenario for instance... like what my friend Jan had me told when this neurologist speculated the diagnosis of "conversion disorder"... "So you have conversion disorder but what can they do about it?"

Unterwegs zur recovery... face the reality that if you are in pain and in unbearable pain, you are tensed and it surely is mighty difficult for you to relax!  Quit lying to yourself that you are already all relaxed!  Also, accept all possible causes as it is (like... already got done with it many a blue moon before yesterday) so that you can stop worrying whether it is all in your head and it is all psychosomatic with the purpose of accepting it all being--getting rid of the impact of such notion so that you have less to worry about and be more relaxed (rather than accepting it all and continue to worry about its implication).  Thereafter, dedicate your  focus on what you can do to help yourself get better, feel better, and be more relaxed--do the right things you can do one day at a time.  Like what Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said...

At the same time, having pain not corresponding to anatomical evidence? Check out... Beyond size and sensation... lol

PS. I know, I know... I have discussed the same notion too many a time... almost like a broken record already... 

Back

I think my lumbar-- lower back--- is hurting really bad...

Well, maybe not "I think" but I feel. 8-O lol sigh

Although-- the good news is that the head is not feeling like eternally in a descending airplane finally.... Ain't it so very wonderful!  8-O

Since a picture is worth a thousand words...

Among the pains in cervical, thoracic and lumbar, lumbar shows me its exceptional grumpiness today and gets the first prize.

Thoracic is not too happy about the loss though since it had tried it best.

Since cervical has been doing a pretty consistent job, it doesn't quite care all that much which place it lands at anymore. 8-O lol

Pain management?

As I am trying to lose some codes, I came across many more interesting... don't even know whether this is the right word... or intriguing words.

Many of these posts have no "happy" related words embedded in them.  However, I decided to add them to the happy family... while many of them with why I am happy applied.

The reason... I am surely happy I am not you and this is why I have to help myself be happy.

An example is the following:

(from Ground zero)

... until, when talking on the phone, trying to figure out a way to get myself out so that I could ship myself home, I realized that... my brain was shutting down... or... to be more precise, the part of cognition I have control over was evaporating like them bubbles...


It was much later did I realize that... so it is my cognition that is helping me controlling the pain.


With the loss of that part of cognition--- they might have just gone joining the task force of interpreting pains because I did not have enough energy to put them on reserve.

Conversion disorder all over

A picture of Conversion Disorder
Scrambled texts are Chinese

Don't know whether it has anything to do with the Chinese herb my dad cooked to help the flow of Xi or the conversation I had with this man at the labor department about whether I should get "disable-ly" certified cuz of my physical restrictions...

Then... when I went for my walk later, my body was doing the big bad bug in different ways and pains here and there everywhere...

Been doing file conversions after conversions since yesterday till conversion disorder all over... 8-O lol

One step at a time

I frequently use this phrase "one step at a time"... at various times.

For instance, I identified at least 10 postings in Ratology Reloaded and a few more in the limited number of postings I reposted in Down with Meds using the exact phrase "one step at a time."

The funnies thing about one step at a time is that, for all those who is lucky enough to walk, you can only walk one step at a time... however painful or strangely one might walk, or, however elegant or speedy you are.

Apparently, I am not the only person with the same realization....

平安圓滿 in 事故頻出地帶 (Safe and satisfactory in strange event frequent area)

Met up with this old friend of mine.... must have been friends for over 20 years now...

Haven't seen her for at least 4-5 years and she is now somewhat of a big-time lawyer...

Since it ain't like I am gonna be big time in no nothing soon, I love hearing about how successful my friends are... and... try my best to convince them to work hard on getting a summer house in Hawaii.... 8-O lol

So we spoke about what we have been up to and, due to the lack of changes in my status in recent years, I guess... I talked about my trip... sick, disabled, and all the ordinary blah blah blah...

Later, I was talking to her on skype and also spoke with the husband... also my classmate in my undergrad year...

So he said... something like... "You sound pretty OK over skype.  Just don't know how you are in reality..."

8-O

Afterwards, I had this moment of self-reflection....

Oops... was I a drama queen and over-dramatize the nothing-happen-ness in my life?

What I want to say is that... my life so far... so good...

For instance, despite of the minor aches here and  pains there during the trip.... The trip seems to be really fruitful and "平安圓滿"... (other than my mama made me wear a mask at home yesterday when my nephews came to visit because of the bronchitis I brought back from the trip... 8-O lol)

If you don't believe, take a look at the picture below... the first picture shows you the fresh wound I got from 朱家角 on Aug. 22nd, and, it seems to be healing really well now... Comparing to the fall I took at Yale campus years back with this two friends of mine on the first day of our road trip, at least this would doesn't require stitches... some improvement, I guess.... 8-O lol

At the same time, I thought of this concept I came across from this Korean Drama 原來是美男(미남이시네요)... something like... 事故頻出地帶... sort of like.. strange event frequent area...  Sometimes... I do wonder... maybe I am too dangerous for myself... 8-O lol

The first thing I did in 朱家角.  I took a good fall and got this wound.  8-O lol

Today, this wound seems to be healing
well.  Except for.. don't ask me where
I got the scratches on the side.  Got no
idea that they even exist until when
I was about to take this picture.  8-O lol

An ode to Subway elevators/escalators

If there is anything that makes this trip of mine drastically different from any other trips I have done so far... it would be... avoiding stairs...  And, as a result, taking detours....

Sometimes, such inconveviences do have their upside... for example, otherwise, I would not have the opportunity to release the lotus lantern the other day.... (and this is sort of like what you call... looking at the bright side of life... 8-O 8-X)

In terms of public transportation...

I love taking buses... as opposed to taking subway/metro....

Two reasons...

Although it is much faster, most of the times, to take subway, you get to see more of the city with buses.... slow and stop.... in New York, in Taipei, in Shanghai and in Seoul.... and even in airports... 8-O

With the buses, there are, most of the time, far fewer stairs you have to manage....

All of these cities I mentioned above have disability access....

However, the design is universally stupid at times.... leading me to the conclusion that... either them people doing the designs must not be physically disabled or this world is designed not for people with physical disability.... For instance, them escalators... a lot of cities have only escalators going up but not going down.... a real killer for people with knee problems...

In addition, there seems to be an assumption that all people with disability uses wheelchair... and only people in wheelchair could be disabled?!

I am not gonna make you believe that I can not do stairs at all....

I can force myself to do a few stairs but I have to do it slow... one stairs at a time... if necessary.  However, the revenge of my body is very scary... if it feels that I overdo it....

The New York subway system just celebrated its 100th anniversary not too many years ago... I can understand why there are relatively fewer disability access... This is part of the reason why I used to use buses to go places....

However, with them newer subway systems in Taipei, Shanghai and, perhaps, Seoul.... I have a problem with disability inaccess kind of design...

For these cities, you might be able to find elevators to go down to the metro station in case all elevators you find only go up... except for... there is no guarantee that the elevators could be found.....

Worst of all, after all the detours you have taken, circling around like a dog chasing its tail, when you find that elevator of you life... it might be out of order.... and... you have to restart your search... all over again... Sometimes, you might as well walk to the next subway station.

At times, you come across situations within which... just when you are praising to yourself... "How wonderful!  There are escalators going both up and down!"  You find yourself in front of them stairs... and.. many many stairs... This is especially traumatizing on days when your body is in the piece-of-crap shape.... 8-O lol

The second day I got to Seoul, I was shipped me out to explore.... Seoul.

I decided to go to Seoul Station because something told me that it is where I could find the tourist information booth to get a tourist map...

Seoul Subway Route Map

All that I had... a Subway map in Korean, a language I had no idea about, and the only thing I knew... when I get back, I have to get off at the Sunae station and I have to transfer from the yellow line to the orange line at the Suseo station.

Arriving at the Suseo station, I saw escalators and I was overjoyed... So I followed the sign trying to get to the orange line... except for... at some point... I found myself circling around as if I walked into... 鬼打牆....

"Where is the elevator?  There is the sign saying this is how I get to disability access... but how come all I see are the stairs?"

Seoul Subway Wheelchair disability access

So I spent the next 5-10 minutes looking until I came to the conclusion... the devise shown in the following picture is THE disability access... and there was no other disability access...

Ended up, there are many of these kind of disability access all over town...

Since I spoke no word of Korean and many Korean don't speak English, provided I am not on wheelchair, I had never used this... wouldn't be difficult to explain to the station worker my condition anyways...

So, I climbed up... one step at a time... like everyone else... I guess.... 8-O lol sigh...

While trying to drag my big fat butts up them stairs, the thought that I might have to climb all those stairs for the next few days started to form a nightmare... one as scary as the nightmare on Elm street...



"It can't be... that's gotta be a different way around..."

Ended up, since one could also transfer between the yellow and the orange line in Dogok, after I eventually got to the orange line, I got off at Dogok.... in search of more accessible disability access...  It took me a whole lot of sign following and walking around and around... till... voila... I finally found it... the escalators of my dream... which run both up and down.... (speaking of... I have a dream.... 8-O lol)

It was not until a bit later did I realize that... inside of each every station, there is a map outlining the blueprint of the station... It shows you where you are, where the stairs, escalators and elevators are... sometimes even toilets...  The only problem I had was... this map is only available when you are inside of the station but not on the ground level.

Subway station Map

I find this map extremely useful.  The only recommendation I have is to make it available is to also make this map available at the ground level entrance.  This is so that people with disability knows what to expect once they set off with their stair climbing mission whether going up or not.

In addition, one scary thing about them stairs towards the metro is that, first, they are huge stairs, second, the subway could be as deep as something like 6 floors below the ground level, and, at some locations, the exits/entrances are not connected.  As a result, if you enter the station through an entrance without disability access, you are doomed....

One night, due to circumstances, I took the "non-disability-accessible" entrance after a long day...  The problem was... there were only two options... Keeping going down or try to see whether I could walk back up.... By the time I got to the subway, my body was already in the kind of shape I was when I just got injured.  I was so in pain and I could barely move.  You see, if the station map was available, this could have been avoided...

Since I started feeling something was coming down the second day, sometimes I wonder whether my sickness later might have something to do with the fact that the entire body, from neck down, was inflamed.  If I knew for sure that the elevator going down was only a block away... I might not have to go through my entire Shanghai trip later sick like a dog.... Just an hypothesis, though....

Since I was such a determined traveler and since I did not have much more time in Korea, despite the severe pain and physical condition, I was out and about again the day after partially because I had totally ran out of Korean currency and needed to go into town to exchange more money...  Though I moved even slower and with a cane.  I kept on moving forward.... 8-O lol

Somewhere over the Internet, I learned that the "black market" kinda money exchange places in Ming-dong area give you the best deal.  Since I hadn't had the chance to check out Ming-dong (明洞), I decided to go to there that day....

When I got off from the dark blue line at the Ming-dong station, I went to check out the station map to see which direction might have disability access.  Unfortunately, I did not find any sign of elevators or escalators going to the ground level.

Without hesitation, I hopped onto the next train to get off at Nam Dae Mun (南大門), thinking... that... what is the likelihood that they would haveno disability access to the ground two stations in a roll...

So I took the escalator all the way up and I exited the subway gate.  After I circled around like a doggie for a while, I came up with the conclusion that... oops.... on a day when I could hardly walk on flat land, I landed on a station without any disability access to the ground level.

I went to speak with this ticket agent, who told me that... "This is an old station.  No.  We don't have elevators going to the ground level.  However, it is not too far.  Only one floor."

I looked up... and pondered to myself...

"Should I get back and take the subway all the way to the next stop Seoul Station or should I try to climb up since I am already in a piece of shit kind of state anyways?"

Well, following the rationale that I was already in pain and already in the piece of shit state, I decided to start bringing myself up with both arms and, of course, both legs... one step at a time... painfully...

Many subways must have come and go...  because I can't quite tell you how many bunches of people had past me by...

Some look at me with curiously...

Others wanted to offer help except for... I was not even sure how they could help me.

At some point, the ticket agent appeared next to me... and I wonder whether it was because some passersby might have told him about the apparent struggle of this strange creature....

"I didn't know that the stairs are so difficult for you!  Let me help you!!"

Before I could respond, I found him pushing me up from the bottom up... all that I had to do was to move my legs up...  It felt as if we flew all the way up them stairs....  In no time, we were up on the ground level inside of the Nam Dae Mun Market.

I thanked him, thanked him and I could not have thanked him enough.

To this day, when I thought of that ticket agent and the strange scenario, I remain to be thankful and will always be.

After all these time, to be honest, I don't even recall what it might have felt like when I could do stairs with so much ease.... until that day.

At one of the entrance of Nam Dai Mun Market, I thanked this life-saver of mine, I rested my body a bit.  And, I kept walking on... backwards to Ming-dong after the interesting detour.

Isn't life funny?  You can run but you can't hide.  I took a deliberate effort to get off at a different subway station.  Yet, them stairs..... I still can not escape.

It sort of reminds me of that story.... This servant saw death in the market, with a strange look on his face.  The servant went home and asked the master for one of the fastest horse so that he could go as far as he could to avoid death.  Later that day, the master bumped into death and complained...

"Why did you do that to my servant?"

Death replied with something like... "I was just surprised to see him here because I shall catch him tonight in the far-away land!!!"

At the same time, shall I have not taken the detour to Nam Dae Mun, I would not have had the chance to encounter that wonderful man and the experiences of flying up to the ground!  8-O lol

I did not really get to take the local buses in Korea this time.... mostly having to do with the fact that I don't know the language and the city.  One of my greatest regrets, I guess, in my trip to Korea.

In Shanghai, it was much easier for me to learn to use the bus system... mostly having to do with the fact that....  though I am not very good with simplified Chinese and I also don't know the city, at least, I am half-literate... and it makes it much easier for me to navigate all around town.

Another reason why I decided to take it to busing is that...

Although there surely are elevators available to go down to the subway stations, the apparently visible elevators are not really all that easily accessible.

The day I got to Shanghai, I transfered to the subway after getting off the maglev.  After asking around, the officers at the security check told me that I would need to ask one of the transit people to take me down to the elevator because these elevators were locked.

I had to swipe the card at the entrance first before going back out to take the elevator.

I had thought it was because that was a special station.... because that's where people taking maglev would get off...

When I went out another day, I asked some volunteers whether there are elevators available because I have physical disability and I have problems with stairs.

While one of the ladies told me... "No," this guy from a distance somehow overheard our conversation and replied...

"Yes.  You see that elevator over there... that is the elevator going down to the subway."

So, happily, I got to the elevator, I pressed the down button and waited for the elevator to arrive like a good girl.... under the Shanghai heat...

I waited a bit and a little longer but did not really hear any movement...

This is when I saw this red button....  Apparently, you have to press the red button to contact the workers of the station.

After pressing the button, someone spoke to me over the speaker phone.

"Hi, there, sorry... I have problems with stairs and need to use the elevator."

"Wait a minute and someone will come and get you."  So the person replied.

Someone eventually came up with the elevator.

Inside of the elevator, I asked the lady who came to get me... "Do I need to trouble someone to come to get me every time?"

Apparently... yes...

Since I am very vain and I don't really like to trouble others because I am "handicapped."

From that day on, I decided to take it to the bus instead...

Well, I might have gotten lost a time or two...  essentially... thinking I was walking north... ended up I was walking towards the west....  but, by the time I left Shanghai, I was already able to get to specific destinations by bus.

One of my proudest achievement this trip, I guess..... 8-O lol

Well, if the purpose of locking the elevators down is to deter people from using elevators, I guess... the purpose is served.

At the same time, how on earth would could one spend all these times and using all these words talking about subway elevators/escalators?   On a second thought... well... at least I am not talking about the disability access to toilets, right? Or... maybe I should consider it..... 8-O lol

Where did you find THAT?

When I called up the office the other day, I could not wait showing people the picture of the love of my life... my painfully beautiful boy (never heard of cougar?  8-O lol)

One response... "You are old enough to be his mom!"  (Come on... not yet so old... 8-X)

Another response...

"What is THAT?" So I was asked.
"My husband."
"Where did you find THAT?"
"I googled it." 8-O lol

At the same time, old lady like me still doing this kinda stuff...

어떡하죠 如何是好 What should I do? (有點太悲情了吧..... 8-O lol)

regression to the mean

I think my body is recovering better....

My life so far... I spent years coping with that head of mine..  later, physical disability and the associated aches and pains etc...

This round, it is the common sickness anybody else could understand, I guess...

All of the symptoms you can find on the introduction chapter of all over-the-counter cold/flu medicine.... Finally went to see the doctor, my uncle told me... bronchitis...

Would love to consider it is statistics 101.... regression to the mean... with the question... when can I regress to the mean and would it ever be possible for that day to arrive?  Could I ever become that outlying data point that fit the regression line perfectly? 8-O lol

Delusion, illusion and other -sions or not... well... guess... I should be authorized to dream? 8-O 8-X

Sick in Shanghai

Arrived in Shanghai late in the day yesterday... supposed to be working on touring around by now... except for... been sick and... gotten really sick overnight... chest congestion, nose running, my head all stuffed up, and, in addition to the pain associated with my neck, back and knee conditions, another kind of ache and pains... I think that is what they call the body aches...

Thought I was about to die when I saw the color of munus coming out when I first woke up in the morning.....  8-O lol

If you ask me at this specific moment, it is far worse to have a cold or flu like this than to be suffering the disability associated pains.... 8-O lol sigh

Yet, I have been working really hard on popping whatever pills I could pop to get myself feel better soon.....

(Trying to see whether I will be able to get this message posted through blog-by-email from Shanghai)

Travel

I haven't gone traveling since January 2007.

OK, I did travel between Taiwan and the US in 2008 and three weeks ago.  Yet, that is called transportation.  Not travel.

Finally, I will be going traveling for the first time this Saturday.

Seoul first and Shanghai second.

Why Seoul and Shanghai?

Also.... free accommodation available and the cheapest most economic way to fly...  8-O lol

The only problem... give me a road and I could keep on walking till the cows come home provided there are restrooms available.... 

Yet, I can not carry weight.... It slows down my speed and causes problem to my back and, then, the whole body.

For instance, before I left NYC, I had to move some stuffs and it killed my body so bad that... 5:00 AM, curb side, outside of JFK... People in the airport had to pick me up with a wheelchair..... and, from there on, they carried me all the way back to Taiwan...

Well, I WAS really in pain and it really was sort of miserable then... especially having to deal with excruciating pains on a 25 hour trip....  Sounds pretty funny now since, 3 weeks later now, I am back to walk relatively fine and mostly pain-free again.... 8-O lol

Since I intend not to waste too much time recovering... I have to travel.... REALLY light to prevent any potential damages... while... since not making any money.... budget traveling.... 8-O lol oops...

In addition, although I now can "walk"---- 80 Manhattan blocks or more kind of distance--- I still have problems and mucho problems with stairs.  Unfortunately, based on the pictures I have seen for many of the tourist attractions, there are stairs and stairs.... slopes and slopes....  Well, it is not until I became disabled did I come to realize that... this world really is not designed for people with disability.... 8-O lol sigh

At the same time, if I can find ways to walk in NYC and in Taipei, I should be able to walk in Seoul, Incheon, Suwan or Shanghai.... After all, walking is walking, right?  8-O lol

Regardless, it would be really interesting to see what it would be like to travel on a budget, disabled.

And... this would be the first time I go traveling with my strange kind of disability....

Ain't like it is the kind of "first time" experience I would like to have... Yet, well... even if my body could heal till I could carry some ordinary weight and do stairs like a robot, for the time being, I want to travel and I will learn to travel my way again.

What is even better... my brother in law will be on his business trip while I am in Shanghai... I will have a two-bedroom apartment all to myself for a week... could finally through a house party... though not gonna have too many people to party with in Shanghai... 8-O lol

Suffering

To end today's posting spree, I will share with you something I have been trying really hard to learn... 

So far as I am concerned, a lot of suffering in life are unnecessary.  I suspect that it might be the young Werter's sorrow kind of stuff that might have sustained my propensity to maintain or establish the suffering kind of state I might entrap myself in once ever so often.

Can't quite give you a solid example now but it must be evident somewhere in my year's of blah blah blah.... 8-O lol oops...

The key  point...

It is no good to suffer because it does not make me happy and I don't like it anyway.

As a result, I reflect upon this question every once in a while...

Aches and pains and physiologically based things... I have no control over them.

Other things do make me feel... Oh... how I suffer!  Ya, sometimes gotta cut myself some slacks as welll

Yet, have I made myself suffer unnecessarily and excessively?

If yes, my newly developed and developing self-training style would be applied... back to conditioning... 

I would beat myself up so bad with my mouth till I dare not do it again.... till something happens or I find myself slip back... then... conditioning again... 8-O lol 

脫竅

1 month or two after my June 19th, 2007 accident, mama cooked me an egg and let me cracked the egg open and eat it... 8-O lol

What it symbolizes is the idea of 脫竅 or 脫殼... essentially... get rid of the bad... bad... bad...



or




Unfortunately, the egg my mama cooked that day was still raw and not yet done.... 8-O lol

It was around this hour 3 years ago when the chair collapsed... and my whole life shattered with it...

I lost everything.... essentially my health and who I thought myself was or was to be.

While everyone else is busy building their career, wealth, smart, etc, I was busy trying to find ways to piecemeal my body and mind together.

OK, I know it is exaggeration, but, I suspect that sometimes it is only healthy to allow myself to be a drama queen once for a while for the sake of it.  It is because... come on... when can I be "authorized" to mourn about my lost functionalities in my knees, shoulders, neck, back and head... especially when now the worker's com case has closed and I have sold my body for money (shoulders and knees only since nobody wants to pay for my back 8-O lol sigh)?  (And, yes, FYI... you don't get compensated for your pains and suffering.  You also don't get compensated for your back in scenarios like mine.  You only get compensated for permanent damages in your shoulders and knees.  It is simply the law. Please noted that here... I am focusing on what I lost.)

So I decided to cook myself an egg this afternoon.... I cracked it open and ate it.  So I took a second to investigate the boiled egg... This time, it is ready... (and I hope so since the egg is already in my stomach and I don't really want to eat this thousand year old egg raw... 8-O lol)



What is the purpose?

Guess, it is a ritual.

A ritual I participate in to help myself let go of the past.

I know that the arrival of June 19th, 2010 will not gonna bring forth a miracle... (I know I am certified crazy... but you think I am stupid?! 8-O lol)

I know I still can not run and I can only walk as fast as my body allow me to... etc.

I am still psychotic while symptoms manageable at a "really" low dose.

Yet, it is a benchmark for me.

Also, most importantly, I am still kicking...

And, the shell-cracking of a cooked egg and the act of eating it is not going to shrink me a whole size so that I can look like them skinny toothpicks on the street.

To be honest, my recent venture into exfoliation from head to toe might do a more real kind of job to help me get rid of my dead skin... and that is part of the ritual as well...  8-O lol

However, so far as I am concerned...

All else I might and might not accomplish with blah blah blah blah blah...

One thing I am sure is... and I just realized is... that...

That egg you saw me eating and was actually cooked well... neither too raw or too old...

That egg was the first egg I boiled in my entire life so far and I did not realize until today that I have never boiled an egg by myself in my entire life... unless... oh... my bad memory... Did I forget?   8-O lol 8-X

2 days to June 19th

3 years is neither a long time nor a short time.

It is some time and the duration of time for some significant benchmark in my life.

It took me 3 years to get my junior and senior high school diploma.

I went to Taiwan university for 3 years.  Afterwards, I spent 3, in retrospective, interesting time in Vancouver, BC.

The most haunted 3 years in my life so far... would be the last 3 years minus 2...

I have not looked back for the longest time since, I guess, I always knew that, when the time comes, I will look back.  Before that, let me keep going while trying my best to smell the roses along the way.

Sort of like how the song went... "人說這人生　海海海海路好行　不通回頭望　望著會茫"... You might get too dizzy when looking back...

Today is the day for me to look back after paying St. John the Divine a visit earlier in the afternoon.

Somewhere in the afternoon of June 19th, 2007, I was in a meeting, eating a piece of raisin bran cookie.  The chair collapsed into one piece right underneath me.

The breaking point that set off a journey-- continuing-- into total physical disability and eventually mental disability with pains, struggles and sufferings as the collateral damages.

After I got home that night, my mama was really upset...

"Thank God it was me who took the fall.  Not anyone else at the meeting."

Gotta be Percocet talking... or my sheer ignorance about what is yet to unfold...

In retrospective, if the fall would have taken the same amount of toll on anyone else, I should have let someone else from outside of the college to take the fall so that they can get both worker's compensation and sue someone's behind... which I am not going to name, for negligence.  8-O lol sigh


The before denial state: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/06/life-and-its-unfolding-on-extraordinary.html
Painful expressions: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2008/01/painful-expression.html
At the very beginning: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/07/last-miles-to-house.html
2 Month Anniversary: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/08/when-to-yield.html

3 months and 1 day: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/09/3-months-and-day.html

Pain: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/11/pain.html

"Sit down. Go back to sleep. You. Me. And, Her.": http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2007/12/you-me-and-her.html

Heading towards cuckoo's nest: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2008/02/assumptions.html

Last posting before Down with Meds is taken down: http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/2008/02/blog-post.html

The Beginning of Ratology Reloaded blog right before I got myself shipped back into the Cuckoo's nest: http://ratologyreloaded.blogspot.com/2008/02/new-world.html

The rest... up to now... such as whatever in this blog... simply the process of recovery... and the associated inconveniences.

In the meanwhile, let me start giving a toast to da really bad hangover...

跟往事干杯/姜育恒

Don't know how people came up with words so fine....

乾杯　朋友就讓那一切成流水
把那往事　把那往事當作一場宿醉
明日的酒杯　莫再要裝著昨天的傷悲
請與我舉起杯　跟往事乾杯
舉起杯　跟往事　乾杯

A toast to the past and treat the not so easy past you would like to let go as a really bad hangover.... 8-O Nothing really to be proud of but that I know... bad hangovers... 8-O lol 8-X

So... 以茶代酒... I raise my cup of chamomile and lavender tea for a toast to a past I am forgoing.... especially the discard-able part of the past 3 years... the pains, suffering and struggles, which I am, maybe, finally, acknowledging... not to mention the cold air, esophagus spasm, the running a train station in my head and all other mental and physical conditions.

I am done suffering.... so suffering... go away.. go away... bad bad bad... go away... 8-O

My life from now on has to be simply joyful and happy since I think I am very much done with my quota.  8-O lol

God bless me, my house, all my family and all my lotteries. 8-O lol



跟往事乾杯
作詞：陳桂珠　作曲：長剛　編曲：陳志遠

經過了許多事　你是不是覺得累
這樣的心情　我曾有過幾回
也許是被人傷了心　也許是無人可瞭解
現在的你　我想一定很疲憊

人生際遇就像酒　有的苦有的烈
這樣的滋味　你我早晚要體會
也許那傷口還流著血　也許那眼角還有淚
現在的你　讓我陪你喝一杯

乾杯　朋友就讓那一切成流水
把那往事　把那往事當作一場宿醉
明日的酒杯　莫再要裝著昨天的傷悲
請與我舉起杯　跟往事乾杯
舉起杯　跟往事　乾杯

Sleep etc

Major things in my life since last posting...

1. Decreased Seroquel dosage
2. Sleep problem
3. Sudden decrease in smoking after I got myself so shit-faced that I spent an entire day and night worshiping the procelain God  

I have never had any problem sleeping until last year...  Don't I miss them golden years of precious ignorance? sigh

First, I started having problem falling asleep...  Then, in my recent times, I started to wake up multiple times during the night.  

Medication... medication.... much of my sleep-related blah blah blah is associated with Seroquel...

At the same time, the sudden decrease of the number of cigarettes I smoke... (2 smokes a day not instead of a pack or so) might also play a role in the sleep problem.  At the same time, something tells me to stick to 2 cigarettes a day for a bit longer because "this might help the system to get back to homeostasis" - so something has me told.

Since the dosage of Seroquel is lowered again

1. more alert or awake during the day time
2. cold air overflowing through out my body and annoyingly coming out of my mouth.  Extremely uncomfortable
3. energy overflowing with a puff or two of cigarette or walking.... as two of the remedies known to me by now   
4. it seems like, right after the dosage get decreased, my body would get into problem again such as pain, walking problem etc. At this point in my life, since there ain't no nothing I could do about it, I just let my body do whatever it has to do as long as I am kicking... 8-O lol sigh 
5. sleep disruption is something that has been driving me up the wall.  The problem I face is that... I would keep on waking up... some nights I would wake up 5-6 times over the duration of a 7- hour or so sleep.  This is pure suffering.  

Since sleep problem is a known side effect of reducing Seroquel dosage and since I don't really want to get into the habit of taking sleeping pills unless necessary, I have to try out something else.  Following are the things that I have been trying so far...

1. Drink Herbal Tea: Peppermint, Chamomile, and... after the sleeping problem got worst, I got this Yogi Tea Bedtime which contains herbs known to help sleeping and relaxation such as Valerian Root, Passion Flower, Chamomile Flower, Skullcap Leaf, St. John's Wort Leaf Flower, English Lavender Flower, Stevia Leaf
2. Foot soaking: I add Epsom salt and all the tea bags left from the day time into a pot of hot water and soak my feet.  I started using this Rite Aid brand of Lavender Epsom salt two days ago and... wow... that wonderful smell itself gave me a buzz... 8-O lol
3. Body lotion: Lavender.... Lavender... Lavender... Lavender... at least upper body... at the same time, my body is getting so spoilt that... if the scent is not right, I can't sleep with it.  For instance, cookie or orange/tangerine kind of smell used to work but no longer work in helping me falling asleep.   Therefore, I am not gonna buy you unless I can sleep with you... my new policy with body cream... So far, I can sleep with bodyshop and Crabtree and Evelyn.  (Maybe I really am a princess... sort of like... the princess and the peas?!  At the same time, never in my life working so hard trying to figure out who to sleep with 8-O lol)
4. Make sure enough nicotine in the system before going to sleep... 

I finally woke up this morning feeling that there is some improvement in my sleep... I woke up only twice before I have to get up to work as opposed to 5-6 times.

At the same time, believe it or not, the whole foot soak thing and tea thing do seem to help me feel sleepy even before taking Seroquel.

What exactly worked or happened?

At this point in my life, not my issue.  

Though I do ponder at times... Am I getting crazier or not?

Abridged status update.

Lessons learned: including "Who told your to invade my head?"

One breakthrough in my coping mechanism with the symptoms (people could read my mind and I could sense their presence etc....)--> "I am not responsible for my psychotic symptoms."  and "Who told your to invade my head without permission?"

Unfortunately, there is no standard interventions for my own symptoms.  Some might work for a while and, all of a sudden, doesn't work.  My coping so far... a constant processing of finding out the things that might work.

Taking symptoms such as people could read my mind and hear my thought thing...

You could tell yourself that... it is but your symptoms.  Yet, good luck with that... if you could win it over this way, they wouldn't have been coined as pathological.

If you don't give a bag of beans about how others feel, you could simply run your mouth on and on at them "unauthorized intruders in your head."  End results, other people might find it difficult to get your attention and find your head all flaky...  This might be the same reason why, sometimes on the street, you hear people all of a sudden yelling at you for no good reason.

Yesterday, for instance, as I was walking down Broadway, this woman came towards me and yelled... "Keep on playing your game!!"

I went... "8-O you could see them people accessing my head without authorizations and you are actually speaking to them?"  (So speak for the synergistic effect of putting two together... 8-O lol sigh)

At the same time, others might feel bad when not-so-nice thoughts would come into their head.  They might feel bad that the not-so-nice thoughts might be known by other people and hurt their feelings.

This is one of my worst enemy... For the longest time, I felt bad when not so nice thoughts would emerge and might hurt the receivers' feelings.... and your know your condition is going down south when it goes from singular to plural because, when you start to feel the presence and hear the voices of many people, your head starts to reenact things like the three kingdoms... 8-O lol sigh

And this is the time when you have your meds up... like what I have to do.. with the minor inconveniences I have to face when going to bed... In addition to them symptoms who have a bad habit of showing up left and right in all forms while you let go of your cognitive control when trying to fall asleep, extremely dry mouth, the sensation of the esophagus getting all tightened up and the body jerking up and down in bed as if a life fish out of water on a chopping board....

Life used to be much easier... you pop the meds, it knocks you down and put your asleep.  The worst thing could happen is for you to feel all dumb all days... none of them physical kinda stuffs... sigh

Then, the light ball went off earlier today and I realized that one way of responding to these kind of incidence is to say to myself...

"I have no control over my symptoms otherwise they will not be called pathological symptoms.  In addition, my head is my head and who the hell are you to intrude my private thoughts... pathological or not.  That should teach you a lesson being beaten up by my disordered thoughts left and right."

(Remember... the reason why symptoms are symptoms is because of the intrinsic bias patients have towards the disordered thinking.)

Then I thought of what that strange doctor of mine said to my over 2 years ago...

"放下" or, in English, "Let go."

I could not understand what exactly I have to put down and, today, I bet, the doctor might have no idea either except for he simply knows that is what I have to do.

Since then, I have learned to let go of many things... although I am still not quite sure what I have to learn to let go.

The most recent thing that I learned to let go is to let go of the control over my symptoms... as mentioned in the previous part of the writing.  I have to learn to let the symptoms to simply be symptoms while finding the least stressful way of reacting to them.  (And, of course, it is easier to say than to do... react not...)

In addition, in my previous life, people mostly could not tell that there is anything not so normal about me... until the point of the accident when I fell free from a collapsing chair in sitting position.

From then on... till today... it is just a normal part of my life to walk abnormal and go into abnormal states.  At this point, when it occurs... whether it is my limping around... sleep walking... experiencing excruciating pains migrating through my body as I take my walk ... etc... It is just the way it is so let it be.  And, hopefully, if I let it run through... I will be able to walk out of it.... and luckily, I have been able to walk in and out of strange states so far....

Essentially, I am regressing back to the mean and simply need to fill the quota.... Nowadays, I am having a paradigm shift in my MO... pretending no more... trying no more to act like them people-- normal... though I still do have my boundary and though I have no idea what it really means to act normal. 8-O  Somehow, something tells me that this is what it takes... I simply have to do it and get it over with.

Of course, God knows whether any of these thoughts are intuition or delusions...  Everything shifts and morphs all the time...  Along this line of thinking... I have given up trying to figure out how sane or insane I might be.  Somehow... no need no more.... unless... insufficient cognitive capacity.  In addition, the want to figure it out make you think and convoluted thinking drive you even nuttier.

In addition, this idea just came to me yesterday.... what about creative writing? 8-O

Silently Disabled

Revisited the concept of invisible disability again.

Silently Disabled: The everyday struggles of those with invisible disabilities | The Michigan Daily

For ordinary people, disability is an abstract concept.  A concept is something that comes into your head and goes away when out of sight, out of mind.

For people living with non-progressive disability, disability is a way of life that comes with a whole bundle of packages.

In addition, even you are disabled in your own way, sometimes your understanding of others could only go so far because... I can only draw references about your plight from my own experiences.  The experiences I have no idea about which I have been taught to be awful... all that I could do is to assign an empty awful tag and act accordingly.  For instance, I don't know what is RSD but since the lady seems to suffer a lot based on her report, it's gotta be awful.  However, this void tag and response could only go so far because, in split second, the label itself turn void and you forget what the label might entail.  At the same time, when she started to talk about pain and mobility issues... that I can connect with and now there comes a more meaningful sense of awfulness.

Also, after a certain point and million a time, you stop trying to explain because all starts to sound like simply an excuse to yourself.

The adjustment to disability itself is a process developing along with the actions and reactions in time and the context provided.

A common theme emerging.... from comparisons between incidence and indicators to indicators

Can't quite name the core yet though all others seem to interlinked to the core.

Yet, I have the feeling... almost time to see the regression line... if you know what I mean...

At the same time, what would be the implication of measurement and evaluation here?  A gateway towards compassion?  (A category might or might not link to the core.. pondering)

Another interesting thought... if I have so much problems doing thing as a result of my problems, why don't I simply stop trying?  (I didn't just think of that... 8-O lol)

A final note about my postings

Again, 99% of the times I have no idea what the heck it is in my head and that is coming out of my mouth, since I have been trained to not give a rat's ass about the products of my existence, my suggestion would be for readers to not quite care about my blah blah blah for fear of "the shining" effect.   8-O lol 8-X

Sort of like what they say about emerging and forcing...

Also kinda like the constant updating process of this post... what exactly are my thoughts trying to convey?  What do I care if not how could I care?  For... in time, it shall emerge... I guess? 8-O

What would be interesting to see though is... if theory is a process... what's your theorizing process?

Psychosomatisation

Ever since I started going through the grieving process, even my body has gone into a much worse shape with aches and pains and discomfort taking their comeback...

Might have something to do with the cold weather as well...

In any case, perfect scenario of psychosomatisation.

You know it helps nobody to be in this state... Yet, it simply is the way it is until I finally get myself out of it.

Excruciating pain

Excruciating nerve pain...

You can't type..

Excruciating nerve pain...