At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we observe whether psychotic and neurotic people could amount to something. Then came the spinal disc herniation and impingement, bringing forth the stage of physical disability. Could someone like me go anywhere or amount to anything is the question. After the official ending of the second psychotic episode lasted for five years, I am ready to move on to the next phase of Ratology- as the solutions unfold.
This nice fine gentleman kindly helped my reshelving them baby laptops and so on...
Out of my mouth came them words...
"This is so nice of you. I think you should ask me out for a date. We then fall in love and get married and have a family except for I might be too old for you." 8-O lol
Ms. Fine Young Gentleman provided me with this insightful comment...
The scary "M" and "L" words....
I said... "I know the M word is scary but what is the L word?"
Told my friend that my ex never called... She recommended the movie "He's just not that into you."
Nice chick-flick I guess... speaking of rules and the dream to be an exception.... 8-O lol
Regardless, might have saved me many a grief shall I have watched this film years earlier....
"If a guy treat you like shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit."
"But that's the exception. We are not the exception. We are the rules."
Dumping messages from guys...
"I don't wanna stand in your way."
"You are perfect. I just need to work on myself."
"I am just thinking of your happiness."
"I don't deserve you."
"I am so jealous of the guy who is to marry you."
A girl will never sleep with you if....
"She takes a dump in your bathroom."
"She takes home leftover on date one, two or three."
Modern time dating headache
"And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals... just to get rejected by seven different technologies."
Insane minds
"Why do women do this? Build up this stuff in their minds, take each little thing a guy does, and then twist it into something else?"
In addition, if a guy likes you, he will produce himself in front of you regardless.... golden rule...
On a second thought... wouldn't have come up with the following drafted years back... cheesy as it might sound... still touches my own heart.... insane as it might have been then and now... dramatic if not traumatic... the unbearable chickenness in life.... Funny enough... 15 years apart and I haven't changed much... No wonder they say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks?! 8-O lol sigh
Waking up in the morning, I saw the weather had changed. I was wondering how cold it would be this year. Would it be colder or milder? I cannot choose nor do I have the power to decide the weather condition. The only thing I could do is to decide my own attitude towards the conditions. I am no pan-determinist but I apprehend that the truth that human being is not omnipotent.
Likewise, falling in love was just a state of mind. It made me anxious and somehow spoiled my life. Should I have stayed cool and calm, no extreme disturbance would have occurred and so much more work could have been done. Flirtation does no harm inasmuch the heart does not become involved. However, I betrayed my best interest and fell into a chaotic phase.
If I wanted to protect myself from being hurt by the same old scenario, I should have held back my affection, blockaded my emotions, and kept you away from my sight. Yet, I refrained from withdrawing. I refused to regress to the infantile stage of "out-of-sight-out-of-mind". I saw that, in the distant future, our fates would converge: not referring to our together-here-after-happy-life, but rather the inescapable end of our life journey. I could not bear seeing myself regretting when it is too late, the words I could have said and the things I could have done.
Some said that my thoughts are morbid and a smile is the response. For I always know that, if life is mortal and nothing lasts forever (not even diamond), I had better strive to live my life for significance. This belief gives me the strength to hold on. Out of the question, you or anyone else could not comprehend what could have and still sustain my faith in love, because neither could I. A friend of mine once questioned me, "How is it possible for you to be in love this way?" There is no easy answer. The only thing I can say, is......
Value does not push men to do a deed; it can only pull one to towards an action.
I have to be the one in charge of my fate, at least partially. Since the day that I realized the insufficiency of my being, I made up my mind to be what I want to be with all my might, disregarding the inevitable agony and distress. I want to be with you and it will always be the statement of my life. It reveals my cathexis in you, regardless my realization in the ultimate destiny, not death but aloneness. I know for sure that, before death, we can never avoid being alone. We will be sitting under the sunset, precipitating our demise. We might be surrounded by people, but still deemed to be alone, just like those in a nursing home.
You always asked me why I volunteered in places like the hospital where bereavement and suffering takes place. The scene might not be pleasurable yet insightful. There, I saw how ephemeral life could be and I learned how precious our infinitesimal life is. Such experiences might have reinforced my fixation in you. Thus, I promised myself that I would always cherish the time with you.
You know something? I am the one who is responsible for the inconsolable situation in which I am trapped. I did not withhold my feelings and just let it flow. I have to take my share of responsibility for the free-running emotion of mine. As a human being, I have the freedom to choose. The price I paid for this freedom is the obligation to commit myself to this engagement. Therefore, when I said to you that "I will be waiting for you", it was also a commitment to myself. I did not and still do not regret it, and, I surely will not. As long as I give myself this try, whatever the cost may be, I am making effort to authenticate my life. I would not be beshamed to confront myself and will not regret in the future having nothing done.
However, in bearing the responsibility, I am also making effort to prevent myself from being vulnerable. When I am responsible, I have the control to make the next movement rather than waiting for the stars to fall. It helps me be stronger. Thus, my days would not be like hell.
I am not like a tyrant. You have your own existence and you make your own choice. I could not force you to accept my affections as they are. I had set no ultimate goal for my trials since no one has power over his own destiny. I am no pan-determinist; however, I believe in fate. I had managed, and, will continue to push my fate some more, although I still do not know where it will go.
And, cheesy it might be... dasein's there... in me...
So... as I was exercising, the man related communication came to my vacuous head...
I thought of the limited number of ex's I have had so far....
Did I love them?
Yes, I did.
Do I still love them now?
No, I don't think so...
Yet... was it really who they were that I loved or did I fall in love or love the images I build for them in my imaginary world? (This ex of mine actually begged me to get back on Depakote, possibly, because who I was when getting off Depakote did not really match with that image of mine in his imaginary world... 8-O lol)
Then, why do we still feel hurt and why do we still have problem letting go of them boys of the past... long time after even after we want them back no more?
Frankly, the reason that we still feel hurt might have more to do with that little boo boo that we got from receiving love from the other party no more... Ouch...
Or, perhaps, it simple has to do with the concept that we want what we love to be ours... just like the rubber stamps that I love.... yet, to be honest, we might be not quite sure what to do shall they be ours...
Then, this head of mine thought...
If you really love someone, you should be able to set them free and let them go....
Like what could be find in many a song...
And, many a quote....
“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.” Richard Bach.
Sounds nice....
Then, I performed a reality check.... and realized that... them boo boos still hurt hurt.... even though, happily, I want to let them go so that they could find what they really love... 8-O lol
Unless... I am again barking at the wrong tree... perhaps... it is me that I need to set free.... (as long as you don't ask me how... 8-O lol)
On my way to work this morning, I stopped by the deli to get my morning coffee where this question came up in our conversation...
"When was the last time you had a boyfriend?"
Well... 3-4 years ago, I would say... since it's been so long that I have stopped counting the years...
So was the response I got... something like...
"You got used to it after a while."
Then, I thought... uhhhhhh.... interesting... No true words...
In addition, before June 19th, 2007, I was busy at work everyday... the 24/7 kinda schedule doesn't really leave me too much room to be lamenting about a boyfriend...
After June 19th, 2007, I was busy learning to walk and dealing with my nerve pains as well as fixing up my mental state.... that doesn't really leave me to much advantage into fishing for a boyfriend... 8-O lol
Lucy and I shared some pretty good time together back in them nights in Vancouver...
She used to pick me up after midnights from the Buchanan building after the computer lab is closed. Then, the two of us would be going downtown hitting the dance floor...
Both Lucy and I could have gotten married years ago but the real act of marriage never took place... 8-O lol
This is the kind of relationship that I have when two friends hardly contact each other but the friendship remains... and, we could always simply pick it up from there...
So, as I am watching the replay of Sex and the City, I got this text message on Skype...
It is Lucy...
After greeting her for a Happy New Year, I went directly to this question wishing for a specific response....
"Are you married?"
What came with the response I got was the sinful sense of relief....
"No, single as a bird... U?"
"Was hoping for that answer.... 8-O lol"... ending the quotation with a demolic looking kind of smilie face...
So...
We spoke of the fish in the sea, my preferences of shellfish, her love for abloni, and, how "ladies in our age should be happy to take anything that swim"...
Then, I thought of how, in the episode of Sex and the City, Miranda was getting this phobia about being single and having to die alone.... and how she fought off her developing phobia about singlehood by simply telling people that she was "single"...
It was then when I realized that...
Perhaps, it is not only me...
Perhaps, it is not only about girls and their perception about their single/not single status...
Perhaps, this is a sentiment shared by all single people, be it men or women...
Perhaps, it is some kind of social taboo to be single and it is such an internalized belief that drives us towards that evil wish... to ascertain that there is more than ourselves on this lonely planet....
I thought of this pickup line used by this guy, who was absolutely toasted, at the bar the other night...
When he came approaching me, he said something like...
"I am brilliant and I think you are ignorant."
And, he kept on repeating the thesis on his brilliance and my ignorance...
Never have I had anyone approaching me with a line so very out of the line... 8-O lol
Out of curiosity, I started engaging in conversations with him... until I finally had my share of ignorance exposed.... and I told him off... oops...
Then, as I was going through the things in my drawer, I found this picture I took with this once-upon-a-time man of my dream whom I would do dishes and laundry as well as cooking for. (ya... that was big in my early 20s).
If it were today, would I have fell for him? I am not even quite sure...
Why did I fall so hard and so freely for him? Similarly, I am not quite sure as well...
Then, I thought of da pickup line of my Mr. House Chore...
"I wish I could book you everyday on my calendar..."
Cheesy or not....
That line, for me, works better and it absolutely did work... 8-O lol
I never really watched sex and the city since my basic cable provides me with such channel not.
Then, the other night, I got to watch one of the episodes...
So, someone tried to match up Miranda with another woman... while Miranda was simply a single woman in search of THE MAN. When she saw that it was a woman her coworker was trying to match her up with, she realized that... people thought she was gay while she was only single...
I think that it was this past Sunday when someone asked me this question--- something like.... "What do they think about girlfriends in Taiwan?"
I had absolutely no idea what the question was about and asked.... "You mean cohabitation or premarital sex?"
So I went on speaking of how cohabitation or premarital sex is more common now than when I was growing up (Cow heads don't match with horse mouths... as Taiwanese might say....).
It was not until, I think, last night did the light ball go off.... when I realized that it might be my sexual preferences he was asking about rather than the topic of cohabitation or premarital sex.
So I thought... it is not my fault that no one asks me out for a date since I broke up with my last jackass from hell with his disappearing into the ether of da Arizona dream....
So I thought... perhaps we shall try out that thing called picking guys up....
Then, I thought... no way Jose... in no mood to find that Mr. Goodbar...
Even if it is not Mr. Goodbar I found (thank God), I am accident prone... not yet ready to raise children along.... 8-O lol
As a result, shall anyone think that the reason why I can be a real b from hell is because I don't get laid...
Till you find me my ideal husband... you might just have to be settled with this b from hell... 8-O lol
So... last night, pumpkin night... I sat at the bar drinking my beer and my beloved hot water with steam coming out....
Everything is the way it should be...
Me not talking to much....
Looking at people... thinking about the thought about which I am thinking...
Or thinking of nothing... carefully drinking the pint of hot water while sometimes staring into the water for the sake of staring really hard at it...
And, perhaps, at times, feeling content about how life is so strange and nice... 8-O lol
Till... at some point, this lady in Victorian costume approached me....
Oh... she is a neighbor of mine whom I sometimes bump into on the street and we had hang out together at times...
I had not realized it was her when I first saw her coming in to the bar, with her attire and make-up on...
I didn't realized that it was her until she came and approached me...
"Do you want to join me and my friends?"
So I went over to join the girls... switched away from the relaxed kind of pensive or headless state... switched into the extroverted kind of hanging out mode....
Girls just wanna have fun and we had fun...
After they left for another bar downtown, I got back to my bar seat.... switching back to that headless mode...
Sitting quietly as if nothing ever happened... while I am no more than a space holder.... or an inactive avatar.... squandering away the here and now.... entrapped in the never ending reminiscences of the not so very happy part of the past... while, trying at the same time, to let go of the tendency to zoom out and bring myself back to the present...
At some point, I decided to go all the way back to the time of Southern Comfort in my Vancouver years...
A time when I was as young as the two nice girls next to me...
A time when all that I had learned remained to be textbook version...
A time when I jumped from one relationship to another relationship... a vicious cycle of never ending rebounds....
Another perfect time in life.... surrounding the time when they introduced to me Southern Comfort and one of the worst hangover I ever had after... 8-O lol
So... there I sat, sipping slowly, in the comfort of the context, along with my dear steaming water, my Southern Comfort...
Then, there came them happy boys...
They came, happily greeting me.... some even offered to marry me... (Man... God finally is answering my call for an American Husband... yet, don't worry, my dear Department of Homeland Security... please read the following.... 8-O lol)
Then, I saw my own reflection in the mirror... holding on to my pint of hot water... sipping it with the same expressions of them squirrels in the Park when they suddenly found my bag and coat blocking their path.... causing a strange situation...
lol
Like my fellow Rodent... Squirrels... I downed the water and da Southern Comfort... I paid my damage, sincerely thanked them boys for their flattering comments, and, I ran off....
And... even though this thought was so loud and clear in my head... not too many people have posted comments in my blogger career... but it seems like... someone has been reading my blog on them Tiramisu lines to speak of... 8-O lol
At home I thought.... after all these years.... I haven't changed much... like them lab rats who shun away from their beloved chocolate milk when getting sick after drinking it... be the situations real or not, or, genuine or not... I can't help running away... as if there is an voice telling me to "Run! Run! Run for your life!!!".... and what would it take for me to stop running off?
So it goes my selfish thought... relationship phobia.... 8-O lol 8-X
(OMG... This kid was sooooooo very cute then.... and.. both Glenn Medeiros and Tommy Page's songs... so very puppy love kinda feeling... 8-O lol)
Lonely won't leave me along
Why do I seem to be caught up inside a dream
All my life, it's always been my shadow and me
Over my shoulder there's always a voice somewhere
Saying I never should try to set my heart free
I wish that love would come and take me in her arms
Show me what I've never known.
Where I could hold someone words like right and wrong
Just fade away like yesterday
Lonely won't leave me alone
Lonely won't leave me alone
Why, tell me why, won't even let me fall in love
Oooooh everywhere I go always by my side
Won't even let me fall in love
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/eI1 ]
I try and say I love you but the words won't come through
In my eyes, see all the tears and sad memories
Why can't I start out new and leave that
old feeling too far behind
I guess that lonely needs company
Around each bend of road
I'm thinking that in time there
will be that rainbow's end
But when I follow those self illusions
I find that it's only lonely and me again
Lonely won't leave me alone
Lonely won't leave me alone
Why, tell me why, won't even let me fall in love
Oooooh everywhere I go always by my side
Won't even let me fall in love
Lonely won't leave me alone
I wish that love would come
Lonely won't leave me alone
And take me home
Lonely...
Geez... now I understand why the Cellist Gaspar Cassado would say to his students, "I'm so sorry for you; your lives have been so easy. You can't play great music unless your heart's been broken."
And... why Zander felt secretly delighted when this student of his was in dire straights because he lost his girlfriend.... "Now he would be able to fully express the heartrending passion of the song in Schubert's Die Winterreise about the loss of the beloved"..... (The Art of possibility, p. 31)
8-O lol
Can't stop wondering though... did anyone ever feel it cut like a knife for losing me? 8-O
And, who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?
Gotten home, I turned on the TV.... found "12 Angry Guys" being played on Channel 13.... while logging on to my email to see whether that old jackass of mine responded to my email... to make it a posthoc Proper breakup.... 8-O lol
Nope... my email might have gone into the ether of the Internet like before....
While, funny enough, the first time he tried to contact me back long after our relationship went into the ether was the night when I went with this friend of mine to see "12 Angry Men" on Broadway....
Regardless, past is past and present is present...
However tempting it might sound... the whole getting things processed thing... I supposed... just like how stocked up my room is... there is always space for more....
Another one of da 99% phenomena....
"I don't know what this song is about. When I was writing this I was going through a divorce. And the only thing I can say about it is that it's obviously in anger. It's the angry side, or the bitter side of a separation. So what makes it even more comical is when I hear these stories which started many years ago, particularly in America, of someone come up to me and say, 'Did you really see someone drowning?' I said, 'No, wrong'. And then every time I go back to America the story gets Chinese whispers, it gets more and more elaborate. It's so frustrating, 'cos this is one song out of all the songs probably that I've ever written that I really don't know what it's about, you know."- Phil Collins
Before I got out today, I was told something like....
"You should have cleaned up your room before you go out because you might be able to pick up a guy at the bar tonight..."
I responded....
"Nobody gonna be coming to my place the way it is.... It would have to be me going to his place...." 8-O lol
So, I spent some time at the bar, doing the regular not doing to much kinda thing... and forgot all about the picking guys up kinda thing....
Back home I came... and saw that friend of mine who made the comment of the picking up thing...
I looked at him and said, "Where was the guy who was supposed to pick me up?"
"Maybe you are looking for the wrong guy to pick you up..." So I was told...
"Maybe the guys is at a wrong bar..." So I might have replied....
Then, I thought to myself....
I am a professional bar girl.... How come I never encounter guys who want to pick me up at the bars? See... nobody ever said to me... "Hi, there... here comes my pick up line...." 8-O lol
Or... could there have been guys who tried to pick me up just I had no idea that they were trying, me, to pick up unless them media have depicted the concept of picking people up in the bar wrong? 8-O lol
Then, I thought... interesting question.... how does one ever know that someone is trying to pick him or her up?
When I went hanging out at the bar last night, I bumped into this lady who I have met a few times at the joint...
I listened to her story and tried to approximate her dasein by drawing references from my own past...
In essence, the story is about breaking up from a relationship....
At some point, this question I asked....
"Why are you still so angry when you don't want to take him back?"
Hearing these words out of my own mouth, I came to the realization that..... the question is no more directing to her than to myself....
So I sat there staring aimlessly at the happy people....
So I, myself, asked.....
"Is anger still eating me alive?"
"How would I know?"
"Why would I still be in anger if I don't want him back?"
So, I stared towards the direction where this ex of mine and I once were... the space was now occupied by two young girls sipping their beers...
Yet, in my mind, I saw da J from Hell and I drinking Apple Martini celebrating... sort of... our engagement....
Were we happy?
Ya, we were...
Were we mesmerized?
Absolutely....
I also vaguely recalled how the bartender then told us how something was supposed to be done in a certain way otherwise it would be bad luck.... perhaps... how the other thing she prepared for us was supposed to be drunken.... though I don't quite remember...
I ordered an Apple Martini before stepping down to have a smoke... aside from where we once stood... when he told me never to doubt his love and affection....
Then, I looked away...
Somewhere there.... he kneed down in the middle of the road... to me, proposed...
So, I let the old movie play.... watching the memories of the past replayed... wondering how all these might have made an impact on the future thereafter which has, so far, unfolded....
Back to the bar, I sat there pondering about the visions of the past...
I stared at the green fluid occupying the large glass....
I took a sip.... and the following quote emerging in my mind....
The Hindu saint Sri Aurobindo once said, "Why is it that when people begin to relinquish the world, the first thing they relinquish is common sense?" Inner Works P. 109
From then on, no longer was I staring at these two girls a la bar...
I was staring into the past....
And... I thought again to myself...
Am I still angry?
What would I do shall he be right in front of me?
The imaginations spoke in a far succinct fashion then words....
So I saw...
Slap him in the face and slap some more... kick him in the balls and once more... doing a few more of them Tai Quan Do kinda side, front, and back kicking some more.... (oops... loving intention... zen moments... 8-O lol)
To myself I thought...
I guess I am still angry...
Then, I pondered again....
Why am I still in anger even though I don't want him back?
And... like what the acquaintance had put it... why do I continue to feel the pain although I no longer want that once-upon-a-time the object of affection?
Could it be that I am but addicted to da sense of emotional arousal resulting from the suffering?
Could this be a simple demonstration of operant conditioning?
Or, could it be that... he just disappeared from my life and I just lived on as if he never existed though the unprocessed past holds their original space which I have been carrying on my back unwittingly all these times?
So, waking up this morning and after all these years, I sent him an email with something like...
"I realized that we never broke up properly"....
Only to be questioned by a friend of mine later that... what accounts for a proper breakup?
.... while waiting for a reply stating.... "we broke up years back" from a man to whom I will not go back....
When we sat there having some snacks, mama brought up this topic again saying something like, "If there is any man who likes you, you should get married. However, it's gotta be someone who is capable of taking care of you."
I replied, "Ya, it would be really nice if, when we are in our 80s and 90s, we could keep each other happy company." (ya, somehow, nowadays, the most romantic thing for me is for people to grow old together... 8-O lol)
Mama said, "Gotta be now and why would you wanna live till 80s and 90s?!" 8-O
My jaw almost dropped and said, "Why don't I live till my 80s and 90s (retirement age in my mind) if I still have functional teeth to eat, could still move around and my mind still functioning?" lol
At the same time, I thought to myself, "Isn't it strange that all that I want now is someone who could accept me as I am. Why is it so difficult for me to find a husband?" (and I guess it might have something to do with my peculiar characteristics... lol)
Then, we moved on with some other topics.
As we were strolling down Broadway later on all peacefully, we, all of a sudden, heard this loud noise and we found two people yelling at each other.
Looking closer as we passed them by, we realized these two might be a couple in their late 70s fighting up a storm on the street by their car, attracting attention from passers-by.
I don't even recall who made this comment first but both my mama and I were laughing our heads off....
Apparently, the companionship between mature couples might not be as peaceful and calming as I had imagined... 8-O lol
Whit
-
Whit sounds like wit and according to dictionary.com, it means
a particle; bit; jot (used especially in negative phrases).
I have changed not a whit. I do...
A dream: Backpacking
-
On my way back from NYC to Taipei in April, I managed to get myself an
extended layover (over 2 weeks) in Japan, landing at and exiting from the
Narita Air...
Ratprincess in Technology not lost?
-
Given my sick-in-the-headness, sometimes it's hard to trust my LTM. Did
Ratprincess in Technology really exist or was it my false memory?
As I was marv...
Traces of the past
-
A link I found that has been live online from the Down with Meds age.
Apparently, the past has always been there whether I knew it or not.
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