Time traveling

There are so many movies about time traveling... like Source Code, MIB III...

I also found a new way to travel back in time... literature review (if not reading in general).

Almost like the stars observable by the Hubble as depicted in the following film... what you see are how things were at all different points points in time... with many occurring billions of light years ago.

Take the model of working memory of Baddeley and Hitch first proposed in 1974 for instance, if you start from reading Baddeley and Hitch's (1974) and keep on reading all the way to 2013, you will see the following (with the episodic buffer added at around 2000)...

From Baddeley, Allen, & Hitch (2011) Binding in visual working memory: The role of the episodic buffer

You can choose whatever sequence you like to read up the theory and the related research... Chronologically... you see how things get built up in time... the process of becoming. Even better, you can randomly chose the time you want to go back to... not being constrained by the forward direction of the time dimension!

Come to think about it... perhaps, everything could be used as a means to travel in time... music, pictures, films, rocks... everything that can take you above and beyond the restricted notion of how things should be?! Reminding me of the time when I went into a phase of constructions... from my castle to time distortion.

Living with psychosis: Agent J vs. Boris The Animal

Watched Man in Black III yesterday and thought this is sort of like (hopefully) what it's like to live with psychotic symptoms... though it took J only one time to get it...



No wonder J is J, and Is am/are only mes.  All that J needed was to reload the scenario once while... 8-X

(Dear symptoms, don't be mad at me... just an analogy... the learning of how to dodge your mighty power)

From Altemetrics--impact of research

What it be like, one day, on your CV... you will list how many people visited your blog, tweeted it, FB it in addition to all other good old elements?

A notion addressed in the Chronicle of Higher Ed: Rise of 'Altmetrics' Revives Questions About How to Measure Impact of Research.

This world surely is evolving where I am... sort of like... sleeping (since my body and head take the liking of putting me to the sleep mode whenever possible. 8-O lol)

Regardless, instinctively, I know... albeit the rise of the "Altmetrics"... it ain't gonna do nothing to the pitiful not-to-many-ingredient state of my CV post my terminal degree...

Forget about the issue of bots, time on page, etc that might need to get resolved first... (the equivalent of valid data)...

Adding all hits I have gotten from the following 6 active public blogs (though far less actively in Ratology Reloaded and Technologies in Ratology since 2010 or so)... the total hits on these 6  blogs are 67,418 between May 2007 and 6/6/2013... although some blogs got started later and do not have as many posts etc.

What this tells me is that... even if the "altemetrics" turns to be a common measure for everyone's work and contribution to the society (not restricted to the measurement of research impact), 6 years for this many hits on all blogs combined?  Shit out of luck. Think I'd better hide the stats.  8-X lol

Metacognition

Was doing some literature review on metacognition...  and I came across the book titled... "Early Detection and Cognitive Therapy for People at High Risk of Developing Psychosis : A Treatment Approach."

Though I don't have the time yet to read through it, the notion itself... is one I would strongly endorse... though who gives a rat's ass about my endorsement... especially like... the psychotic chick with faulty metacognition endorsing the notion of metacognition in action? 8-X lol

I don't know how the detection could be done prior to the psychotic onset... Yet, since existing research has found metacognition to be beneficial for learning in general, at an early stage, teach them to think metacognitively and give them the tools to learn to think metacognitively... everyone... 

Surely, today, I have come to embrace the notion of how I am metacognitively wrong.  Yet, it's also my current "belief" that metacognition could be a tool to help us live psychotically... to monitor and control/regulate our disordered thinking... albeit with the reality that it is defective and some days it works better than others... to allow us to think less disorderly, if not simply to prevent us from thinking more disorderly each every day.

Why emphasizing the notion of "the tools to learn to think metacognitively"?  It's because psychotics have to be the one to derive metacognitive knowledge and skills from our own the metacognitive experiences in order to come up with the best strategies to intervene the outcome of our disordered-thoughts and out-of-whack metacognition. Although I have only the limited amount of conversation with other psychotic patients in more stabilized state about our psychotic experiences, I have heard people spoken of metacognitive experiences... like... "it's so funny that your think the people on TV are talking about you,"  which points to the knowledge that "what my reality is not the so-to-speak reality shared by the others.

This is something most of us (if not all of us) already do although we might not always get it done as well as we would like to, and we (at least mes myselves) just need to get better at it... the antipsychotic department of metacognition... as time goes on... as we keep on kicking...

Of course, the reason why I speak of metacognition is because it happens to be a word in my dictionary and part of my educational background.  For someone else, it could be called anything else relevant to their background... such as... my doing the "hells kitchen" thing.

It is my belief.  Yes.

My two cents before going nite nite.

Google stats and metacognition

I check google stats on a daily basis...  It is sort of fun to check out the postings people visited because, all too often, I would be lol by what came out of my mouth.

It is training though... the stats to check... because I have a tendency to generate theories and, many a time, the posts visited actually coincide with thing happened or outta my mouth earlier on in the day.

I check out the demographic info of the users... but... just for the fun of it cuz God knows where visits really came from though... God knows why I am endowed with this propensity to even entertain this notion.  8-O lol

I check the page view... seeing the fact... the limited number of page views on a daily basis... also taking into consideration that some people might simply browsed through the site without stopping or some might have been accessed by bots to entice me to visit their website.  I am surely aware that the contents can also get accessed through RSS feeds... but I have to refrain myself from continuing with that line of thinking since... what good does it do for me.

So, I have been reading up them articles about metacognition because in the writing I have been doing, I also talked about the metacognition kind of stuffs since I think it is something that has helped me to live psychotically.

There are times when I wondered though... why spending all the energy trying to learn to intervene from the metacognitive level?  Wouldn't it be but impose extra amount of stress?

Then, I realized that I was not thinking straight... the psychotic kind of straight...

Without the metacognitive intervention, the stats for my blogs--let along everything happens everywhere else in my everyday life--already provide more than abundant contents for the disordered processing at the cognitive level, which can lead to the fortification of my almighty delusional system.

In a sense, the act of checking out google stats itself is a daily training activity.  How do I do it?  I look at the stats and I have the metacognitive experience that... oopsy... I am thinking delusionally... and find a way to neutralize if not negate the way of thinking.  This is something I do on a daily basis and sometimes more than once a day since the release of google stats for blogger...  Is there a practice effect and do I get better at it after drilling myself on this same task for years? 8-O lol

I would say... yes... I think there is a practice effect... and the reality is that... I could feel that there is this part of my head that is about to fire up to participate in the collaborative activity of information processing... with its specialization in the department of delusion generation... except, at this point, this dosage, and this mental state, I can somehow block it if not stop it from joining in... at least at the conscious level.  Although, of course, I am far from 100% sure.  lol

Can what I learned be transfer to other context especially when knowledge transfer usually do not occur automatically?  Can't quite tell you either... whether my handling with other events in my everyday life is the result of transferring what I learned from the google stats training, independent learning, what I do with google stats is the outcome of transferring what I have learned from other scenario, etc.

Well, regardless, since the unrest mind doesn't feel like to rest any, guess... try to assign it to do something else if possible? 8-O

Trotzdem Ja Zum Leben Sagen

Was chatting with this friend the other day... someone I might have seen last on commencement day in 2005... a point, though mental, I was almost certain that, with hard work, I would be able to make myself someone of some kind though, to date, I remain to be in the lowest rung of the socioeconomic ladder. (So said the experts, the feel of knowing might be reliable but might not have predictive validity. 8-X lol)

Somewhere along our conversation, I told her that what I do everyday could be simply put as "walking" or "stop walking."

Though, in between and within the states of walking and stop walking... with the minor inconveniences in life as the inevitable background noise... carrying my private inferno on my back or not... trotzdem... das leben... for Ratology at walk affords me Handicapped at large (while simply incapable, you, all to tell).

Since nothing's new under the sun, your own Ratology at move shall also afford you your own version of at large... n'est pas?


P.S., I don't have the audacity to use Frankl's "Trotzdem Ja Zum Leben Sagen" since I ain't got no clue what it be like to do the Ja sagen in the concentration camp.  Therefore... Trotzdem, das Leben.

Tactics: Defects and workarounds

In working with that DWM and beyond book of mine, I came up with "tactics" to offer Princessa Ratonssita at all points on the time dimension (mes, myselves, and Is).  These tactics fall either under the "It's physical" or "In your head" categories.

The tactics are composed of the defect and the workaround components.  The defects are not equivalent to symptoms; rather, the defects are the unbearable weakness manifested in our symptoms.  The workarounds are the ways that I have identified to live with the disordered thoughts so as to minimize their impacts.  For you who live beyond June 19^th of 2007, you have to attend more to the defects at both the physical and mental level as well as their interactions.  So they say, know thy enemy and, admit it, we are our own worst enemy.  What is to be presented are just some examples of our defects and the means to work around them—just it would take too many more words to cover them all.  lol 8-X

 An example of the tactics under the "In your head" category is...

Defect: Visions of the future | Workaround: Flight 1549: What you see might not be the end result.

Visions of mishaps are one of the most annoying and intrusive symptoms.   They come into your mind either unannounced or get triggered by certain topics or sights of objects.
For a long time, I had this vision and delusion of air crash.  The heavy traffic over the Manhattan sky didn’t help.  Still remember vividly how it felt, one day, when this acquaintance told me, “I have joined the air force!”  The first thing came to my mind—crash.  While it makes me feel scared to “foresee” bad things, it also makes me feel bad because it is as if I were wishing bad things to happen to people.  Then, there came this day when that gentleman landed US Airways Flight 1549 on the Hudson, sort of next door, while all on board miraculously walked on water safe and sound.

From then on, when visions and delusions of horrors alike occur, I thought of Flight 1549.

For all these years, I still could not break the associations between the accidents and the whole flight chapter in my life—regardless the dosage of Seroquel I was/am on, and my mental state.  Yet, Flight 1549 offered me an alternative way to work with symptoms alike.  Essentially, well, even if I cannot defy the impact of them visions and delusions, I can always think of Flight 1549 and say to myself, “Even you really have some strange capability to see what lies beyond, look at Flight 1549, it’s not until after the event will you know the actual outcome.”

Sort of like... "there is more to them than meets the eyes..." So said the huge truck of my dream... my octopus prime (possibly your Uptimus prime).

 

Ratology Reloaded: Does it have to do with your hospitalization?

Someone came to this post... and I had one more of my lol moments revisiting my dad's question.

For sure I don't see myself suing my eternal love on the ground of the disability act...

Yet, surely, ain't like I have been faking my paranoid delusions for all these years and claiming the crown for conspiracy theory for no reason!  lol

Come to think about it... yin yin mei dai zi, let me serenade my eternal love yet again...



xoxoxoxoxo

(I didn't know that Barney is actually a boy till today... 8-O)

Ratology Reloaded: Does it have to do with your hospitalization?: An interesting question asked by my dad last night... "Why do you have so much problem with staying in the US?  Does it have anything...

First time experience: Replace the Water Heater Battery

For the first time in my life... today... I figured out how to replace the Water Heater battery and got it done successfully!

What happened was... I have a very peculiar body... and, in recent years, it just became even more peculiar... such as... when my body gets wet,even feet only,  pain etc would emerge immediate and like bend-and-snap it never fails!

Then, today, when taking a shower earlier in the morning, the hot water turned cold... Then, after it got heated, it turned cold again. Immediately, my body was in pain and discomfort and I got a cold. Earlier this evening, I found out that it might have something to do with the problem of "battery low."

Ain't no nothing is to get between me and my good hot shower... Enmaddened (and ain't nobody wanna get me mad), I decided to get it fixed like... yesterday. And I did... and, for the first time in my life, I changed the water heater battery (since the building in New York has a boiler)


Technologies in Ratology: How to replace Water Heater Battery? 更換熱水器電池: First time in my life to know that Water Heater (熱水器) is actually powered by electricity through a 1.5 V battery and got the battery replac...

Measurement of reality

Find an interesting measure for the distance between the "reality" and me....

Think I am redshift 20+ away from reality...

Like farther away then before them branes haphazardly collided...

How did my reality run so far and fast?  Interesting question.

An ode to my cognition--Superwoman

As I am plowing away with my psychotic model of my cuckoo head, so I thought... such must have my cognitive capacity had me serenade all the way into Valentine's Day 2008... I'm no superwoman... 8-O

An ode to my cognition... from my body and me...

DWM and bend and snap

Totally gonna stick to two and a half pills of 25 mg Seroquel until the last minute since them higher level cognitive processing that is required for yours sadomasochist to work on this psychotic model of my cuckoo head is a real...@#$%& (meaning I am not gonna go down on dosage until the fish on the cutting board thing gets too unbearable and, of course, before esophageal spasm strikes however sedated I might be the entire day as long as I have sufficient cognitive capacity to do 1-2 hours of da work to ensure Seroquel can shut the head down afterwards sucessfully...)

Higher level up, thought racing propensity up, grandiosity up and delusions also up... like bend and snap it never fails! 8-O 8-X lol

As per Elle in Legally Blond, "In my experience, it has a 98% success rate of getting a man's attention and when used appropriately -- it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation. It's called the 'bend and snap.'"

As per yours truly, I might have to swap "a man's attention" to "my symptoms''" attention and "a dinner invitation" to "an increase in medications." 8-O lol 

 (The sole reason why I am making this post public is to show you the famous "bend and snap" that never fails! 8-O lol)

(This is cross-posted in Neologism in Ratology.)

Even though I didn't go all the way... I lived through a miracle today...

Even though I didn't go all the way... today... I walked down and up the 清水斷崖 Chingshui Cliff... though having many people passed me by on their way all the way down to the water and on their way  back up.  The same day when someone came to visit my regain.

It doesn't matter... today, I walked down and up the 清水斷崖 Chingshui Cliff without a cane and I am damn proud of it!

An accomplishment and miracle recognized only by mes, myselves and Is.  lol sigh (Mes, myselves, and Is?  Enough of recognition... COME ON! lol)

It ain't like miracles gets recognized by me everyday... I surely cherish my miracle!

Maybe, that day might come when, one day, I could say... today I went up and down 清水斷崖 (Chingshui Cliff)  and touched the pacific ocean... (though still... one day at a time and one step at a time since I have lived my share for the day!)

Ratology- Handicapped at Large: 清水斷崖 Chingshui Cliff: I walked down 清水斷崖 (Chingshui Cliff) today... sort of... although I did not get to go all the way down... I did managed to go down and back...

When would I like my onset to be served?

Never thought this would be a question until just now...

So, I was looking for some literature about late onset of psychosis and came across statistics like the following from this 2001 article by Steven D. Targum titled "Treating Psychotic Symptoms in Elderly Patients":

1. 10% of first-episode cases of schizophrenia do occur in patients who are older than 45 years.^1,7 
2. Delusional disorders appear in men between the ages of 40 and 49 years, and in women, between the ages of 60 and 69 years.^1,24,25 

This got me thinking... though I prefer to live through my life without onset... I think I will be settled for the late onset in the late 20s rather than one in the 40s.

Can't imagine myself having to live through the past decade and more starting at this age or later... and coming to understand a bit more a day what Ratology is talking about...

If it is destined to happen, good thing that it happened way back. Consider it as God's blessing, I guess. 8-O

Ratology Reloaded: I am still in love

Someone came to visit this post... synchronously, it was a few days ago when I was thinking to myself... "Haven't serenade my love for a while..."

Oh... my love... my darling...

Ratology Reloaded: I am still in love: As I was going through some old writing, it came to my attention that... oops... it seems like... I have not spoke of DHS for a while... ...

Am I creative?

I had a dinner with an artist, a composer and a artistic psychologist today.

Since I am nothing artistic, I told them frankly so when they were brainstorming about how an exhibition could be laid out in an art gallery.

At some point, my friend the psychologist asked me something like... "How are you creative?"

Took me an extreme amount of tangential thinking to get to the answer that... (within context of another discussion topic people at the table were engaging in: the trade-off between diversification and specialization in their professional development)

Sure, I am not like artists who can create art and musicians who can compose nice music...

One thing I had was diverse training, if not backgrounds. Although now I have scaled it all back into one single dot (DWM) and leave all other diverse background slacking around, I can still draw references from them departments of "hanging there doing nothing" when needed.  That ability to draw references from the departments of "hanging there doing nothing"... shall there be anything creative about me... maybe that's how I can be considered as creative? 8-O

So... in a nutshell, what I see as an indicator of my creativity is the ability to retrieve prior knowledge stored in long-term memory?  (A revelation unfolded ours after the end of my tangential thinking... 8-O lol)

Psychosomatization buster

I was in the PHD (pile high and deep) grade of a piece of crap state yesterday...  the head on the dark side of the moon and the body in extreme discomfort... all tensed... could barely move... drastically different from the day before... when I happily got back to my walking routine after recuperating from them miserable days with da sinusitis and associated upper respiratory problem.

What happened?

That mother of mine who just had an operation to remove Cataract Friday afternoon won't stop trying to bend down and lift things... including taking the garbage out which involves opening that heavy metal door... while I was sleeping or while I went out for 2-3 hours for physical therapy.  I kept on telling her to stop but she kept on insisting on doing things her own way...

Finally I blew up big...

I don't get mad usually... partially because when I really get really upset, both my body and mind suffer... and really suffer.  My folks are my Achilles' heel, 99.9% of the times, shall there be sudden change in my bodily condition, no doubt... it would have something to do with my parents... and chances are... something to do with their well-being.

So I blew up and go REALLY mad... 氣死, 氣死, 氣死啦!!!

Then, it feels as if my body was blowing up like a balloon with Qi building up without any release... from head to toe... bloated, bloated, and bloated... as if I were to explode.  While in extreme discomfort, I also couldn't keep myself awake... So I took a short nap... only to find out after I woke up that my entire left side spasmed so bad that the body was bending towards the left side... and... the entire left side was semi-paralyzed (unless my mom got me so upset that I had a stroke, sounds familiar... left side semi-paralyzed)... I couldn't lift my left hand and leg.   When trying to get to do my physical therapy, I had to take many a stop because I got tired and out of breath so easily.  And... the way I walked... it was more like I was constantly swinging the left side of my body forward... though I did get my therapy done and got myself home.
To wash hands, I had to use my right hand to lift my left hand.  To get into the bathtub, of course, I had to use my right hand to lift my left leg...  Yet, so I thought... as long as one side of my body works...  at least I could still take my clothes off, take a shower and manage to put the clothes on...

So I went to bed early... by 10 o'clock... only to wake up 4 hours later... wide awake... not able to fall back to sleep and in pain... with severe nerve pain literally from head to toe...  I decided to get up, put some body cream with Lavender essential oil on, and, later, took an Alleve.

Waking up this morning, the left side was still weak but far better than how it was yesterday... Then, after some of my swinging thing (which I couldn't do at all yesterday), I took my less-crappy sory body to see my rehabilitation doctor.

I told him what happened and I couldn't get the Qi in my body to flow because it was too stalled.  The doctor took a look at me and was in agreement with me...

After I laid on my stomach, he did something on my left hip and right hip like what the bakers did in the Japanese anime 烘焙王 (Yakitate!! Japan)... kneading the dough... 8-O lol

After I got up, I felt... much relaxed and Qi flowing down...  I walked in to the clinic with a flavor of a limp, I walked out... less limping and, as I kept on walking on, trying to relax more, I walked better and better...

What I have described so far... after getting all upset, the body became immobile and suffered excruciating nerve pain... you can't get a better psychosomatic example than this... no doubt... psycho (upset) leads to soma...

Since what happened to me is, no doubt, the manifestation of psychosomatization and it took my doctor 2 minutes to get it resolved, so I thought on my way home... observing that the weakness on the left side gone and my getting back to, not limp, walk,...  that should make my doctor the psychosomatization buster... whether you buy in the concept of Qi or not... or you consider it a manifestation of self-fulfilling prophecy or not... (and, of course, the effects might not last too long if I continue with my  "氣死, 氣死, 氣死啦!!!" routine... In a sense, sustainability is dependent on the patient la!)

Pain perception and Psychosomatization

When doing my physical therapy, I chatted with this neighbor who was, apparently, very much in pain and is leaving for the US tomorrow.  Somewhere along our chit-chatting... the notion of relaxing and ignoring pain came up.  Since she had to go, I didn't have the chance to clarify fully with her what I had wished to convey, and since the thoughts have already emerged, I might as well share it with you... some notions I might have spoke of... buried in the scarily huge amount of limited my words... 8-X

When she revealed that she was advised to try to relax, I also suggested to her that when the pain is manageable, it would be good for her to try to learn to focus on anything other than pain (though I have no idea whether things outta my mouth were interpreted in accordance to what I intended to express during our chit-chatting).  

Since somewhere out there and someone else might be going through the issue of coping with pain and discomfort, I decide to come back to the topic again.

Regardless, somewhere during the chit-chatting, the notion of in your head arise... which, inevitably, reminds me of the notion of psychosomatization.

Let me speak of pain first... it is my believe that among the multidimensionalities of pain, there should be one dimension labeled as "manageability."  Some pain is more manageable than others-- I know it because the aches and pains I have to endure today is far more manageable than what I had to live with years back when the body was in ground zero... after the accident in 2007 and after the chiropractor's manipulation in 2010.  For most people suffering from excruciating pain that takes out the full control of cognitive processing, with proper treatments and therapeutic interventions, the day shall come when unmanageable pain becomes more manageable... at some point.

Personally, after the pain becomes more manageable, it becomes much easier to focus on something to distract myself from bodily comfort, and to practice the art of ignoring pain. (Sounds almost like the notion of ignoring my psychotic symptoms... so it is... the story of my ain't-no-nothing-new-ever-happen life. 8-O lol)  When the time comes for the pain to be manageable, you will know.

I always remember, one day, how my disability coordinator at worker's com said... something like... "You might just have to live with the pain" since that's what many others do.  I was absolutely upset by the notion of "well, just live with that pain" while I can't stop asking myself... "Could it be true that it is me too lame to live with the pain that no one else have problem living with?"   It was not until the pain finally became manageable did I understand that it is possible to live with the pain... except for... it was not until when the pain became manageable to me did I realize that... yes... I might have to live with that pain and I think I can live with it.

So, how does relaxing have anything to do with anything?

When people are stressed, they feel tensed... psychologically and physically.  Think about it... if my nerves are already impinged, what good would it do for the surrounding tissues already two-tents?  Make it three tents, I guess?  Unless enough tents to build a village?  This is why the experts recommend again and again--telling us to relax.  At the same time, though I am no big proponent for pain killers--since I have surely had my share of quota and suffered from it-- when I sense the conditions are to go beyond the level of manageability, I would pop my pill of Alleve to prevent things from escalating.  Yet, relaxing is an art... an art I yet have to learn to master and I don't know whether there would come one day when I will learn to truly relax.  Yet, since it is my own body and my own suffering, who else is to work on it... I guess?

Next in line... it's all in your head... Of course, it really is all in your head since it is your head that performs pain perception.  In addition, them neurotransmitters such as serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine all have been found to work for the department of pain modulation.  Also, organic changes in brain structure been found in people suffering chronic pain.  The only thing I can say about it's all in your head is that... accept it!  It surely is all in your head! 8-O lol

What about that good old notion of psychosomatization?  Psycho and soma are, beyond a doubt, interlinked... sort of like... the serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine in the pain modulation department are the same serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine contributing to, for instance, my private mental department.  Thus, there is no doubt that psycho affects soma and vice versa. (Gotta say though... whether my mental model of psychosomatization is the same as others' mental model of psychosomatization...)

Sounds like more bad news than good news I have been sharing so far...

OK... now I have run through my facts... Yet,  facts are all good but insufficient because what is most important is to say, given the facts, so what can can be done to live when all possible organic changes have incurred or there is nothing organic and when all is but psychosomattic?

For me, personally, it took me years of living with what I have and what I have to live through to come to the following way of thinking... regardless the cause... all psychosomatic, all organic or the combination of both psychosomatic and organic...  Take the extreme scenario for instance... like what my friend Jan had me told when this neurologist speculated the diagnosis of "conversion disorder"... "So you have conversion disorder but what can they do about it?"

Unterwegs zur recovery... face the reality that if you are in pain and in unbearable pain, you are tensed and it surely is mighty difficult for you to relax!  Quit lying to yourself that you are already all relaxed!  Also, accept all possible causes as it is (like... already got done with it many a blue moon before yesterday) so that you can stop worrying whether it is all in your head and it is all psychosomatic with the purpose of accepting it all being--getting rid of the impact of such notion so that you have less to worry about and be more relaxed (rather than accepting it all and continue to worry about its implication).  Thereafter, dedicate your  focus on what you can do to help yourself get better, feel better, and be more relaxed--do the right things you can do one day at a time.  Like what Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said...

At the same time, having pain not corresponding to anatomical evidence? Check out... Beyond size and sensation... lol

PS. I know, I know... I have discussed the same notion too many a time... almost like a broken record already... 

In Proust's eyes--Françoise and her headless chicken

For years, I spoke of Françoise and her headless chicken de Proust--sheer memory sur la recherche du temps perdu.

So I decided to find out whether it was true that Françoise put off a fight with her headless chicken... (the only one thing I recall from the limited amount of Proust I have managed to read so far in my life) and so I found...

When I went in, I saw her in the back-kitchen which opened on to the courtyard, in process of killing a chicken; by its desperate and quite natural resistance, which Françoise, beside herself with rage as she attempted to slit its throat beneath the ear, accompanied with shrill cries of "Filthy creature! Filthy creature!" it made the saintly kindness and unction of our servant rather less prominent than it would do, next day at dinner, when it made its appearance in a skin gold-embroidered like a chasuble, and its precious juice was poured out drop by drop as from a pyx. When it was dead Françoise mopped up its streaming blood, in which, however, she did not let her rancour drown, for she gave vent to another burst of rage, and, gazing down at the carcass of her enemy, uttered a final "Filthy creature!"

Proust, M. (1966). Remembrance Of Things Past. Vol. I. Swann's Way  http://www.gutenberg.org/: Project Gutenberg.  Retrieved from http://www.gutenberg.org/files/7178/7178-h/7178-h.htm 

Quand je fus en bas, elle était en train, dans l'arrière-cuisine qui donnait sur la basse-cour, de tuer un poulet qui, par sa résistance désespérée et bien naturelle, mais accompagnée par Françoise hors d'elle, tandis qu'elle cherchait à lui fendre le cou sous l'oreille, des cris de "sale bête ! sale bête ! ", mettait la sainte douceur et l'onction de notre servante un peu moins en lumière qu'il n'eût fait, au dîner du lendemain, par sa peau brodée d'or comme une chasuble et son jus précieux égoutté d'un ciboire. Quand il fut mort, Françoise recueillit le sang qui coulait sans noyer sa rancune, eut encore un sursaut de colère, et regardant le cadavre de son ennemi, dit une dernière fois : "sale bête ! " 

Proust, M. (1966). A la recherche du temps perdu. Du côté de chez Swann  http://www.gutenberg.org/: Project Gutenberg.  Retrieved from http://www.gutenberg.org/files/2650/2650-h/2650-h.htm 

Comma, no comma in "Philosophy Scholar XYZ ABC"?

Didn't not intend to stay up so late-- actually, intended to go to bed earlier today.

Yet, yours styleless and Missy Bad English got stuck with this question about a specific usage of English punctuation, and finally got it resolved after 4-5 hours of studying the Chicago Manual of Style online...

"Comma, no comma in 'Philosophy Scholar XYZ ABC'?," which is posted in my "Research Kinda thing in Ratology" blog (Does it even exist? 8-O lol)

So they say, easy come, easy go.

Also, 4-5 hours to get to this answer, guess it's gonna be pretty hard for me to forget this rule! 8-O lol

Can't believe that I got it.... 8-O

Time to go nite nite.

First major project for 2013 accomplished: got to the toilet

Today I got the first big project for the new of 2013... I got to the toilet.  8-O

And, no ordinary toilet but the Modern Toilet... lol



What is significant about this toilet in comparison to any other toilets I frequent on a daily basis- other than it is actually a restaurant?  One step at a time, I- go go go... allez allez allez... with hands moving around helping me move...  I walked all the way from the area of Sogo Department Store in the East district （東區） to the West district （西門町） without the cane.  It took me only within 1.5 hours to cover the distance of 5.1 KM or so- not to mention the stairs I had to climb up to get to this restaurant on the second floor and on time!

I had thought that I might not be able to get this project accomplished to get to the Modern Toilet because I got out late and may not be able to get there by the meeting time.  Yet, I did it!

Though might need to treat my body with the Epsom salt bath tonight... the first major project for 2013 I accomplished today!

(Related post in Ratology at Large: Today I got my own behind up to the Modern Toilet)

My rehabilitation doctor

The recent times are some times with benchmark after benchmark...

In addition to walking diligently rain or shine almost ever day for all these years, I also go to do my physical therapy religiously.  As a result, I would upset my body once ever so often given the extended workload to the body and have to send the even more beaten-up-truck state of body into the shop to get it repaired by my rehabilitation doctor.  8-O lol

A rehabilitation doctor I highly recommend shall you be in Taipei!  

http://www.drhsu21.com/

A loose cannon losing the cane

Today marked the first day for this loose cannon to lose the cane....

Though I have been practicing for weeks if not months to walk my cane instead of walking with the support of my cane, it remained buzzard to walk down the street without the cane in hand and it remains to be more effortful.  As a result, I cut down on the distance I traversed today to accommodate the change in my routine as per da Purta Plata Principle.

Three reasons why walking seems to be more strenuous without the cane:

1. When carrying a cane and even without using its support all the times, it provides a sense of security when walking.  As a result, the simple fact that the cane is not there when needed (which happens) makes me feel more tense and, I guess, makes the body more tense as well.  
2. The aforementioned psychological factors do have its basis in reality.  Though nothing skinny, I can be easily knocked down when people brush through me because I do have problems with motor control.
3. After using the cane to help me walk around for the past two years, I think the body has developed the "caned" habit.  The body is having confusions on how to walk.  8-O lol  I would simply have to give the body its time to find its path to walk.

One thing different I know between my losing da cane last round in 2008 and this time is that... the bodily structure has changed further and it would take far more work till... hopefully, one day the day will come, shall the day ever come, when I can walk again like how I walk post-June-19th-2007 accident and prior to Jan. 7th, 2011 when, noch ein mal, the body got reset to ground zero.

Whether the day will come or not, that's not my business now since- what good does it do for me such to entertain?  To stop me from working better at walk simply because it might be a dream never to be fulfilled?  I do know that I have to proceed with cautions.  In addition, the next phase... living with semi-invisible disabilities and the ensuing unfolding....

It's only the beginning of a new beginning.  The never-ending pursuits in life!

Yet, without the cane, today at large I walked!

Puerto Plata principle

Actually, other than my finally climbed up to the top of my world (8-O lol), another benchmark I am getting closer to is to get done with the lingering thought broadcasting symptom.

Regardless, delusional as usual.  If things coming out of my mouth is recorded as per da reality in my imaginary world, they'd be listening to two things that keep on getting repeated like a broken record.

"Stomach" and "Puerto Plata principle."

Stomach?  A reminder for myself to use the stomach muscles when moving.

"Puerto Plata principle?"

When I was in the resort of Puerto Plata, DR., there were open bars everywhere and they even come to restuff alcohol in the refrigerator on a daily basis.  A drinker's paradise!

The only problem was that it wouldn't be too much fun if I get too boozed up and wake up with one of them hangovers that last for days with me religiously worshiping the porcelain God by giving back everything I consume.  As a result, I had to be disciplined with my drinking- drinking enough to get the money's worth  yet not so much that I would wake up with a huge hangover.  It was an art to appropriate and an essential art to keep on drinking.... 8-O lol

So, during my recovery process and still, every day, when I find myself having the propensity to push and push even more, so I say to myself... "Puerto Plata principle."

Benchmark!

For the past few months, I have been working on da unterwegs zum losing the cane.  After getting better walking on "flat surface," I switched the emphasis of my training on slopes in the past few weeks... starting from observing how normal people walk on slopes and their postures.

The conclusion I draw from observing how normal people walk and trying to do the walk myself is that- when doing the slopes, the thighs are placed in front of the remaining of the torso and the torso has to be adjusted to the "right" angle (some kind of leaning forward) so that the center is located appropriately to make moving more ergonomic.  It is also not necessary for on knee in the front leg to be straightened before moving the one in the back forward.

In addition, I have to keep on reminding myself to use the stomach and leg muscles to help me move.  Another curious observation I made one day is that, when doing the slopes, the body does not adjust its own posture automatically and I actually have to use visual input to adjust my posture.

So I did my slopes... starting from the slanted surface possibly unobservable to the common people without the support of the cane..... adding more distance, speed and steepness gradually... till today, I conquered the slope at the Taipei Arena leading up to the south entrance without the cane!

So, I got up to the top of the slope... feeling like what Rocky might have felt when running up them stairs.... though all that I did was-- not counting the passersby- all along and moved my fat butts up da slope.  8-O lol

The benchmark had shifted gradually throughout the time.. starting for the first pole, the second to all the way up to the top.  Yet, what is accomplished today is one of the grand benchmark I set for myself!  Though I had not gotten the goal accomplished by the new year's eve.  3 days kinda variance?  Gladly accepted!

After this, awaiting is the cane-less walk!

My biggest accomplishment of 2012

Been working hard on the loosing da cane effort... with the past few weeks focusing on doing slopes without using the support afforded by the cane.  Because of the holidays, for 3 days, I had not been keeping up with my walking and doing da slope routine.

Yet, when going back to da really steep slope by the RT-Mart today, I realized that.. "man, still got it."

So it is... my biggest accomplishment of 2012, getting myself to the state that I can do this slope without da cane de moi.

Brova!

Fireworks at Taipei 101: Happy New Year!

Got myself to join the crowds by the intersection of Zhongxiao East Road and Guanfu South Road and saw a closer view of the fireworks at Taipei 101 although I usually try to avoid crowds huge as such.



Just so happen, because I posted the uploaded click on facebook while giving people my new year's wish, my friend Marc performing in Taipei realized that I am actually in Taipei. 8-O lol

The haphazard nature of life- and my no-one-knows-where-the-heck-Ratprincess-is existence.  8-O lol

Happy New Year wherever you are!

P.S. Today, I walked down to see the fireworks and back semi-cane-less- going almost as functiona as my grandpa Canon PowerShot A570 IS- though no nothing topnotch... 8-O lol
(This is cross-posted in Ratology- Handicapped at Large)

The rite of passage

Took on another translation job and also in the history domain...

I think the task of translating is a really strenuous task and a great learning opportunity since you have to really understand the ideas in one language before representing it in a different language.

Back to the key point.... what I learned from translating these articles in the domain of history... 20-20 hindsight after and only after getting done with the rite of passage for development in all capacities- perhaps?

Peanut brittle

My friend came to visit and I tried to show him around town... At some point, I was trying to explain the dessert originated from the town where I was born...


I was trying with all my might to explain that one of the ingredient for the dessert was made of caramel and peanuts...  with that thing looking mighty like this...

The discussion might have got a bit loud between the two of us... and these two nice English speaking girls came over and said... "It has ice cream and peanut brittle inside."

To be more exact, it is a dessert sort of like a wrap with ice cream and shaved peanut brittle inside.

Back at home, as I was clicking away with my Bejewel blitz... I came to my mind... "Peanut brittle?"

Might have heard of this term but it has never been in my dictionary. lol

Gotta thank the nice girls from introduce this word into my dictionary.

Next time when I give people a tour in Taiwan and see the same dessert, I will be able to explain to them, "That dessert is sort of like a wrap with ice cream, celantro and shaved peanut brittle inside."

How did I get there?

My life so far is strange...  above and beyond all things strange about me myselves...

Was thinking about how I get to many places that I got to...

In addition to getting to the petroglyph.. en route of  da Volcano in the distance and the discovery of da tourist information both later on down the hill.

Then I thought of how I got to have my internship at 市療.  My grades weren't impressive enough and I was only on the waiting list.  However, I was leaving for Vancouver and I didn't want to rush too much- not to mention that it was my first choice.  So I went and pleaded and somehow I got to have my internship at 市療.

Not to mention my being the first exchange students from my college to UBC... I don't know how on earth I got selected but I surely am happy that I was selected....

And, that's Goethe institute... I heard of it so many a time but it seemed to be beyond my budget.  Just so happen, I applied and I got the stipend to go study German in Regensburg....

Also like- as I was mindlessly clicking away on Bejeweled Blitz, pondering about the above notion and thinking to myself-- so ist das leben... good and bad luck- all balance out.  Just so happened, the score hit the 108K and more and hit the 100K benchmark.

How did I get there?

Have you ever pondered-- the how-did-I-get-there phenomena? 8-O

Nobody's gonna buy

Had a smoke as I arrived at the turning point of my daily walk...

These two young kids walked by and said something like, "Nobody's gonna buy."

Nobody's gonna buy the book?

A notion valid in both the reality and my delusional reality.

Immediately I thought of the commercial Jeremy Lin did for Volvo...


So the commercial ended with this statement in Chinese, "我是林書豪。我超越的是我自己。" (I am Jeremy Lin.  I surpass myself.)

So I thought and think... I am Ratprincess... I surpass myselves and beat my own record...

Also... less than 10 copies sold for my first book... da dissertation... A theory-based usability study- and never cited, I think.... 8-X

Yet, think I have, so far, identified at least 10 friends to buy the DWM book, which yet has to find someone to publish.... Regardless, should be sufficient in surpassing my own record?  Surely much easier to be Ratprincess than Jeremy Lin. 8-O lol

Go Jeremy Lin!  Go! Go! Go!

What I learned from my first-time translation experiences

One thing important I learned from my first experience in translating an academic paper, after all the years, let along the writing style, I still have problems with simple grammatical issues such as:

1. the book described or describes, has/had described
2. the definite article "the": national history(-ies) or the national history(-ies)
3. plural/singular and un/countable nouns: mutual understanding or understandings), 
4. prepositions such as "on," "in," "of, and "for" at times.

For instance, "The book described/describes people's mutual understanding(s) of the national history(-ies).

What does it mean in the context of all the writings done in the reign of Ratology?

Mindless writing, especially in the form, surely has not much bearing in the improvement of writing skills and the understanding of the language usage. 8-X (Ouch.. this b from hell surely is harsh... 8-O lol)


Ratology Reloaded: First time experience- translation: In my much younger years, I used to proud myself for being bilingual- only to realize after I came back to Taiwan that- me ain't so good in...

The blog that no one reads...

At around noon, when I was plowing away with the translation task, I checked the blog stats...

Oops... over the rooftop kinda deviation from the norm.... so to speak... 189 hits in one day while the total pageviews was 911 last month.

So I thought, though I get no autobot on me to visit, I surely had quite a few visits from the bots- automatic as well.... 8-O lol

First time experience- translation

In my much younger years, I used to proud myself for being bilingual- only to realize after I came back to Taiwan that- me ain't so good in Chinese composition no more... or, to be more exact... I've never written an academic paper for publication purpose in Chinese in my entire life...

Recently, yours handicapped in the body and in the head ying-ying-mei-dai-zi grade of unemployed workaholic (such way to replace "I" or "Is" is surely dasein-ish... Love it! 8-O lol) took on a part time job to translate a paper on the topic of history.

I have done translations before but was never at the scale of 23000 Chinese words... with a whole lot of terminology-- so to speak- to me- unheard of.

In the process of living through my first time experience in the department of translation.

So far, what I figured after the over 13000 words translated....

The process of translation is like what I do when trying to clean up my room- a whole lot of moving things around.

Ratology Reloaded: First time experiences- Bought!

Refrigerator is finally here...

The gentlemen who brought it in really beam like a beaver and zoom like a Cadillac... Wow... Admiration.

I haven't even finished reading one paragraph on the computer... they already got the old refrigerator out. 8-O

Was gonna buy it myself since I have never bought no refrigirator in my life.  Yet, my sister wanted to chip in and I said... fine.  8-O lol



Ratology Reloaded: First time experiences- Bought!: The refrigerator got too tired of breathing and decided to check out the other day.  Since it is now about 20 something years old, we decid...

Preface for Down with Meds- A revelation of Ratology

When I first wanted to work on a book on my health condition, depression was the label I had with panic disorder the side dish.  The older I grew, en route to the collection of an academic credit or two, and, one diploma or two, I collected as well a label or two, if not more. 

At the same time, in the beginning, I had wanted to work on a fictional story- through the story of a fictional figure my own story to tell.  Later, after I documented my life all the way into the psychiatric ward through the first person narration, I wanted to analyze the texts and turn it into a methodologically sound qualitative study.  At the end, I decided to simply let who I was speaking for herself- in good times, in bad times and everywhere in between- with the preferred bad English of my own- a combination of vernacular, faux Archaic English and more.

While I might not be able to dazzle you with brilliance, I intend not either to baffle you with bullshit.  All I want to present to you, I guess, is the rite of passage through the reflections in Dasein when la dirrita via era smarrita. 

No man is an island- not even a longer like me.  The compilation of this book would not have been possible without the love, help and support from all the fine people I have come across throughout the years.  This book is, thus, dedicated to, in Taiwan, New York and beyond, my families and friends as well as all the acquaintances, who have shown me the bright side of life whenever possible (in my realities shared or not shared with the external world)! 

At the same time, were not for blogger, Ratology might not have had itself to me revealed- a word of thanks to the service provider- albeit the fact that I might be, to them, on the servers, 1s and 0s. lol

Famous buildings in Taipei (as per East Metro Mall)

During the winter time last year, to hide away from the cold and rain, I took it down to the East Metro Mall ( 東區地下街) to do my daily walk. There I came across the long term exhibition for the selected 17 famous buildings in Taipei.

After many of a walk through them buildings- version miniature, I decided to walk them through at large.

Many a up-and-down of my health conditions after, I finally moved my butts through them all... and with my dear grandpa camera Canon A570IS, a camera almost as adama shorto as me, pictures taken and images captured.

Funny enough, some time after I started my walking them buildings at large, in the news, one day, I heard that mistakes in the labels were found in the exhibition that has been there for 10 years or more... and... eventually  they were corrected... (which, of course, made yours grandiose delusional thought it might have something to do with my diligent efforts in walking the walk- though such delusion was well-handled. 8-X)

Sure, were I who I was, these places could have been easily visited within 3-4 days- rather than extended for the duration of almost an year.  Yet, were I who I was, some of the path I traversed might not have occurred at all...  At the same time, the path I traversed... nothing but the consequences of walking the walk.

At the same time, some part of journey really resonated only too well with my beloved song de Whitesnake..


The the spirit of you can call me Al cuts it pretty well as well... (an youtube clip I inserted by mistake as  opposed to da "I don't know where I'm going...")


When walking da walk... "I don't know where I am going." (I just... go go go allez allez allez lol)
Right now... "I sure know where I've been."   (Hopefully)

Synchronously, my MBT sandal got totally worn out at the last spot... the presidential palace with the the sole totally out... Thank you, Mon chéri, for absorbing the pressure and helping me walk across continents and in all seasons... (Guess, I did leave traces on the path I have traversed... somehow.. 8-O 8-X lol)

If you are in Taiwan or will visit Taiwan, be sure to visit the following buildings and... beyond...

Bon voyage!

Historial building

1. 龍山寺 Longshan Temple, Taipei
2. 台北賓館 Taipei Guesthouse, Taipei
3. 台北故事舘Taipei Story House (Formerly known as 圓山別莊)
4. 台北當代藝術舘 Museum of Contemporary Art, Taipei
5. 北門 承恩門 North Gate
6. 台灣省立博物館 Taiwan Provincial Museum
7. 總統府 Presidential Palace (總統府 Presidential Palace Front view)
8. 淡水紅毛城 (Museum of Fort San Antonio)
9. 公賣局 Wine and tobacco monopoly bureau

Modern building

1. ATT 4 Fun (Formerly known as New York, New York 紐約紐約)
2. 台北101摩天大樓 Taipei World Financial Center
3. 威秀影城 Vieshow Cinemas (Formerly 華納威秀 Warner Village)
4. 台北世界貿易中心展覽大樓 Taipei World Trade Center
5. 新光摩天大樓 Shin Kong Life Tower
6. 大陸工程總部大樓 Continental Engineering Corporation Building
7. 富邦金融大樓 Fu-ban Financial building
8. 遠企中心 Far Eastern Plaza

(Cross-posted in Ratology- Handicapped at Large)

First time experiences- Bought!

The refrigerator got too tired of breathing and decided to check out the other day.  Since it is now about 20 something years old, we decided to get a new one.


Went with my mom and sister shopping for the next refrigerator today... with my sister's expert skills in haggling, bought a refrigerator for the first time today!

So they say, in Taiwan, Panasonic and Hitachi are two of the most energy efficient brands.  In addition, the freezer is at the bottom to make it even more efficient.

Since, with another 500 NT dollar, we could get cashback rebate and additional gift.  I bought a USB flash drive for myself for the first time in my life as well!

Down the memory lane with down with meds, over a thousand US dollar kinda spending for an unemployed psychotic who's still broadcasting thoughts...  Makes me wonder... lord... am I swinging to the other side characterized with shopping spree? 8-O lol

Yet, having lived without a refrigerator for the past few days, I guess, refrigerator is as essential as broadband in the modern time... 8-X

Regardless, two first time experiences in one day- I bought a Flash Drive for the first time in my life- (though-- whispering--- was waiting to buy 128 GB instead- although I didn't see 128 GB in stock- good excuse for a cheapskate like me) - en route to buy a refrigerator for the first time in my life!

(This post is cross-posted in Ratology Reloaded Blog)

気持ち (きもち) kimoji

I grew up using this Japanese expression "kimoji"- sort of like gemütlich in German, good atmosphere in English and 氣氛 in Chinese.

Since I have been trying to learn the Japanese alphabets since around the time when I became telepathic again, based on the sound I have used gazzillion and a time in my life so far, I used hiragana to come up with the spelling for kimoji- きもじ.  Yet, I simply couldn't find in any of my googling result stating kimoji is like 氣氛 in Chinese.

So I thought of this Taiwanese friend of mine who seems to be really well-versed in Japanese and sent her this SOS message, "how do you write in Japanese "kimoji"?"

Following is the ensuing conversation:

• Expert, "気持ち (きもち)"
• Ratprincess, "thanks... so it is not ji but chi?"
• Expert, "ya"

Also (German)... 

So it is... 気持ち (きもち or kimochi) in Japanese is きもじ (kimoji) in Taiwanese Japanese!

Could have continued to be wrong in a million and a time more!  Except for, in Taiwanese Japanese, 気持ち would remain to sound like きもじ (kimoji)-- I guess.

Done with DWM- Ratology Reloaded yet another round

Finally got done with reloading Down with Meds: A revelation of Ratology... yet another iteration with one of the main task this round... getting rid of words-- too many words.  8-X

Got the task restarted on September 20th and finally got this round of reloading done today... at around 2 o'clock in the afternoon.. according to the timestamp on the picture I took at Guang Hua Mall (光華商場).

For this iteration, I took it done at large as I was on the road.... or... when I took my breaks during my daily walk.  Though I might not have traveled thousands and a mile, I surely went through thousands and more words of a past I traversed back.

At the same time, since it ain't quite all that enticing to be an unemployed handicapped in the head and in the body with thoughts still broadcasting to the entire world plus the setback in my bodily condition in the last week of September followed by a combination of cold and allergy symptom that left me wearing a mask for 3-4 weeks long, I surely was not gonna entrap myself in suffering of any kind more and took it out and about at large.

Remaining to be accomplished, the last chapter and the first chapter thereafter... since it might take the coming out of the last chapter before I can get a better estimation about what Down with Meds: A revelation of Ratology is about... though the true value might not be approachable.  I do have to digitize the corrections and edit work that I did with paper and pencil.

Yet, afterwards, I would have to find someone else to do the editing work regardless whether DWM might outsell the first book I published... my dissertation... which sold, I guess, around 10 copies or so.  8-O lol

And, after going through DWM so many times, one thing I know for sure now is... No longer could I say nobody ever really read the writings in my blogs since, oh, Lord, I myself along have gone through it God knows how many time and pondered gazillion and a time... "Man... Why so many words?" lol