Sunday, November 8, 2015

Edith Wharton--The Age of Innocence

Quotes from The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton. I had no idea until somewhere in the reading process that the author was actually female. lol


It was a winter evening of transparent clearness, with an innocent young moon above the house-tops (p. 86).

the Family Physician annoyed with a patient whose symptoms refuse to be classified. (p. 83).

Does no one want to know the truth here, Mr. Archer? The real loneliness is living among all these kind people who only ask one to pretend!" (p. 70).

from farther wounding herself in her mad plunges against fate. (p. 86).

accepted them as part of the structure of his universe. He knew that there were societies where painters and poets and novelists and men of science, and even great actors, were as sought after as Dukes; (p. 92).

wondering if it were lightness or dissimulation that enabled her to touch so easily on the past at the very moment when she was risking her reputation in order to break with it. (p. 95).

plunged out into the winter night bursting with the belated eloquence of the inarticulate. (p. 102). (Wow ... beautiful!)

over many of them the green mould of the perfunctory was already perceptibly spreading. (p. 113).

what would become of this narrow margin of life in which his real experiences were lived? (p. 113).

whose horizon was bounded by the Battery and the Central Park. How should any one coming from a wider world not feel the difference and be attracted by it? (p. 124).

the thought that a barrier of words should drop between them again. (p. 152).

too intelligent to be the slave of such absurd superstitions. (p. 153).

"It's their armour," he thought, "their defence against the unknown, and their defiance of it." (p. 178).

this eager impecunious young man who had fared so richly in his poverty. (p. 180).

What if "niceness" carried to that supreme degree were only a negation, the curtain dropped before an emptiness? (p. 191).

it was the same world after all, though he had such a queer sense of having slipped through the meshes of time and space. (p. 205).

so chained to their separate destinies that they might as well have been half the world apart. (p. 219).

she said, as if it were something visible and measurable, like a crack in a house. (p. 232)

sank back into the thought (p. 274)

There was nothing unknown or unfamiliar in the path he was presumably to tread (p. 278).

it made the righteous reprobation of New York seem like a passing by on the other side. (p. 280).

mouldered in unvisited loneliness. (p. 281).

Its glass shelves were crowded with small broken objects— hardly recognisable domestic utensils, ornaments and personal trifles— made of glass, of clay, of discoloured bronze and other time-blurred substances ... after a while nothing matters ... any more than these little things, that used to be necessary and important to forgotten people, and now have to be guessed at under a magnifying glass and labelled: 'Use unknown.'" (p. 282).

suffer the stupid law of change. (p. 282)

walked listlessly through the room like a ghost stalking through a necropolis. (p. 284)

Conformity to the discipline of a small society had become almost his second nature. (p. 295)

looking over at her as if the slight distance between them were an unbridgeable abyss. (p. 297)

in a state of odd imponderability (p. 307)

He guessed himself to have been, for months, the centre of countless silently observing eyes and patiently listening ears; he understood that, by means as yet unknown to him, the separation between himself and the partner of his guilt had been achieved, and that now the whole tribe had rallied about his wife on the tacit assumption that nobody knew anything, or had ever imagined anything, and that the occasion of the entertainment was simply May Archer's natural desire to take an affectionate leave of her friend and cousin. (p. 308) (This and some following verses are perfectly psychotic!)

It was the old New York way of taking life "without effusion of blood": the way of people who dreaded scandal more than disease, who placed decency above courage, and who considered that nothing was more ill-bred than "scenes," except the behaviour of those who gave rise to them. (p. 308)

The talk swept past Archer like some senseless river running and running because it did not know enough to stop. (p. 311)

so the evening swept on, running and running like a senseless river that did not know how to stop. (p. 311)



Now, as he reviewed his past, he saw into what a deep rut he had sunk. (p. 323)

There are moments when a man's imagination, so easily subdued to what it lives in, suddenly rises above its daily level, and surveys the long windings of destiny. (p. 323)

in the odour of prosperity (p. 324)

"The difference is that these young people take it for granted that they're going to get whatever they want, and that we almost always took it for granted that we shouldn't. (pp. 324-325)

it had never been possible to inculcate in him even the rudiments of reserve. (pp. 326-327)

You just sat and watched each other, and guessed at what was going on underneath. A deaf-and-dumb asylum  (p. 327)

He had to deal all at once with the packed regrets and stifled memories of an inarticulate lifetime. (p. 327)

only a pathetic instance of vain frustration, of wasted forces. (p. 328)

while the stream of life rolled by.... (p. 328)

The boy was not insensitive, he knew; but he had the facility and self-confidence that came of looking at fate not as a master but as an equal. (p. 329)

The day was fading into a soft sun-shot haze, pricked here and there by a yellow electric light (p. 330)

"It's more real to me here than if I went up," (p. 332) (Too much reality is not what people want. lol)

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Quotes from The Humans A novel by Matt Haig


Just finished reading "The Humans: A novel", a book about an unprepared alien spy on earth, and found some interesting quotes to share with the Humans or otherwise.

  1. She was suffering from grief. A grief for not just the loss of her husband but also the loss of familiar reality.  (P. 250)
  2. You had to stay consistent to life's delusions. All you had was your perspective, so objective truth was meaningless. You had to choose a dream and stick with it. (P. 251)
  3. Don't try to be cool. The whole universe is cool. It's the warm bits that matter. (p. 258)
  4. Make sure, as often as possible, you are doing something you'd be happy to die doing. (P. 260)
  5. When you watch the news and see members of your species in turmoil, do not think there is nothing you can do. But know it is not done by watching news. (p. 260)
  6. At the subatomic level, everything is complex. But you do not live at the subatomic level. You have the right to simplify. (p. 261)
  7. And now I'm here with nothing, but I am myself with nothing. An honest bloody nothing. (P. 271)

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

onset book

First draft of my book on the onset finally completed. 

Saturday, August 22, 2015

In Plain Sight-- Voir



An epic suspense by Ratprincess Bored
In plain sight--Voir


Follow the white rabbit ....

Private eyes, watching you ....
Writ--what's in it?

There's something about Lord Byron.





'Tis the sign from upstairs for the day. So it concludes In Plain Sight--Voir



(Now I have my fun--insane in my own eyes. lol Back to work work. :-|)

P.S., The core of psychotic thinking-everything is coded and signs are everywhere. e.g., Ratprincess Bored vs. Jason Borne-the movie I just watched. (Come to think about it. Gotta check to see whether it's done in my writing.)  

Friday, July 17, 2015

Theories and assumptions

Was reading up Information Mechanics, a theory proposed by my friend Fred and find the following quotes in one of the article particularly interesting. Think I would share with you.


  1. A theory is unable to explain its own assumptions. A theory which tries to do so is called a tautology.
  2. Space, time, mass, energy ... are put into CM (classical mechanics) and QM (quantum mechanics) as assumptions. For this reason, it is not possible for CM and/or QM to explain any of them; a fundamentally different tool, which does not use those assumptions is necessary.


KANTOR, F. (1986-12-01). Information Mechanics Perspective on Some Assumptions in Classical Mechanics and Quantum Mechanics about Measurement. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 480(1 new technique), 581-584.doi:10.1111/j.1749-6632.1986.tb12467.x

Please see a brief description of Fred's theory below.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Da Eternal Love--object of love

Decided to pull out this love letter again today and found the object of love could be the books or the readers I try to reach with loving intentions.

Is it pure dumbness, insanity, or faith? Donno.  

The only thing I am certain is "I would not be beshamed to confront myself and will not regret in the future having nothing done" because I am doing and have done the best I can despite of constraints. As for the outcome, "I still do not know where it will go" and beyond my control.

Ratology Reloaded: The answer: Rereading Da Eternal Love ... The question I have for myself is that... Was it pure dumbness or was it faith? Is it better to fall freely...

Some useless mumble jumble when the fountain is running dry .... Muse, muse, where art thou?

Da Eternal Love


Waking up in the morning, I saw the weather had changed. I was wondering how cold it would be this year. Would it be colder or milder? I cannot choose nor do I have the power to decide the weather condition. The only thing I could do is to decide my own attitude towards the conditions. I am no pan-determinist but I apprehend that the truth that human being is not omnipotent.

Likewise, falling in love was just a state of mind. It made me anxious and somehow spoiled my life. Should I have stayed cool and calm, no extreme disturbance would have occurred and so much more work could have been done. Flirtation does no harm inasmuch the heart does not become involved. However, I betrayed my best interest and fell into a chaotic phase.

If I wanted to protect myself from being hurt by the same old scenario, I should have held back my affection, blockaded my emotions, and kept you away from my sight. Yet, I refrained from withdrawing. I refused to regress to the infantile stage of "out-of-sight-out-of-mind". I saw that, in the distant future, our fates would converge: not referring to our together-here-after-happy-life, but rather the inescapable end of our life journey. I could not bear seeing myself regretting when it is too late, the words I could have said and the things I could have done.

Some said that my thoughts are morbid and a smile is the response. For I always know that, if life is mortal and nothing lasts forever (not even diamond), I had better strive to live my life for significance. This belief gives me the strength to hold on. Out of the question, you or anyone else could not comprehend what could have and still sustain my faith in love, because neither could I. A friend of mine once questioned me, "How is it possible for you to be in love this way?" There is no easy answer. The only thing I can say, is......

Value does not push men to do a deed; it can only pull one to towards an action.

I have to be the one in charge of my fate, at least partially. Since the day that I realized the insufficiency of my being, I made up my mind to be what I want to be with all my might, disregarding the inevitable agony and distress. I want to be with you and it will always be the statement of my life. It reveals my cathexis in you, regardless my realization in the ultimate destiny, not death but aloneness. I know for sure that, before death, we can never avoid being alone. We will be sitting under the sunset, precipitating our demise. We might be surrounded by people, but still deemed to be alone, just like those in a nursing home.

You always asked me why I volunteered in places like the hospital where bereavement and suffering takes place. The scene might not be pleasurable yet insightful. There, I saw how ephemeral life could be and I learned how precious our infinitesimal life is. Such experiences might have reinforced my fixation in you. Thus, I promised myself that I would always cherish the time with you.

You know something? I am the one who is responsible for the inconsolable situation in which I am trapped. I did not withhold my feelings and just let it flow. I have to take my share of responsibility for the free-running emotion of mine. As a human being, I have the freedom to choose. The price I paid for this freedom is the obligation to commit myself to this engagement. Therefore, when I said to you that "I will be waiting for you", it was also a commitment to myself. I did not and still do not regret it, and, I surely will not. As long as I give myself this try, whatever the cost may be, I am making effort to authenticate my life. I would not be beshamed to confront myself and will not regret in the future having nothing done.

However, in bearing the responsibility, I am also making effort to prevent myself from being vulnerable. When I am responsible, I have the control to make the next movement rather than waiting for the stars to fall. It helps me be stronger. Thus, my days would not be like hell.

I am not like a tyrant. You have your own existence and you make your own choice. I could not force you to accept my affections as they are. I had set no ultimate goal for my trials since no one has power over his own destiny. I am no pan-determinist; however, I believe in fate. I had managed, and, will continue to push my fate some more, although I still do not know where it will go.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Crystal--Jump!

Since I am still trying to get my books out and there is a feeling that my whole body is decaying in the speed of light, I start to all things to keep the writing process and my body moving.

Then, the notion of chakra came upon me and I got matching stones placed on my 7 chakras in the night. (Yes, I am crazy but whatever works to get the writing done.)

This morning, when I tried to go back to sleep after a toilet break, I laid the stones in their usual locations, placed my right hand up on my pillow, and tried to sleep.

Suddenly, the clear crystal standing between my eye brows jumped into my hand. Whether I was dreaming about it or not, I went on trying to get back to sleep.

Then, I found articles like this.

http://www.natureasia.com/en/nmiddleeast/article/10.1038/nmiddleeast.2014.173

UV enabled movement? Lord, I was in bed trying to sleep.

Strange things happen to me all the times but this one crystal jump got my attention---my bed is far from the windows, and should the UV hypothesis holds, doesn't it mean I have to wear sunscreen even when sleeping?




Saturday, June 6, 2015

A thought on mortality rate

I always know my life expectancy is supposed to be shorter than the general population. This is the first time I saw it quantified.
Individuals with serious mental illness (SMI), including schizophrenia, schizoaffective and bipolar disorder have 1.5–2.5 times the mortality risk of the general population1–3 and a 10–20 year reduction in life expectancy4 with the majority of the excess deaths being due to natural causes.1
http://schizophreniabulletin.oxfordjournals.org/content/41/3/644.full

Personally, I believe the differences should be bigger because some could have died before the diagnosis were applied. For instance, I could have taken the shortcut to escape all the non-existing stress during the psychotic onset when not even my shrink knew what was going on in my head since I didn't share it with him.

But since the onset was eons ago , the stats remained relevant. Since the majority of excess death were due to natural causes, if I am this kind of excess, may God bless me a quick and painless death. Amen.

P.S. Excess death? Never heard of this expression before. 

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

What do I think of?

Please assume the identity of I when reading the events below, meaning you are I.

1. I spent all night, last night, trying to figure out a new word for a section of my book concerning bars and the bar. I came up with barrista.
2. A friend told me about this linguistic thing called cranberry morpheme and I emailed him about the word barrista I came up with based on three words: barista, barrister, and gangsta.
3. After the email was sent, I went on FB and saw this NY Times article share by a linguist friend with the nice pix below.



4. I read through the article and loved the closing remark: "As you learn quickly here in Vegas, the game isn’t rigged, but the odds don’t work in your favor."

What do I think of now these events were singled out and linked sequentially in my mind?

After this point, please reclaim your identity as you and leave me's to be me's.

What do I think of first and what do I think of afterwards?

There were some things I did not mention such as I let the online slot game run automatically as I work on my writing every day. How would unexplicated information like it impact how you thought while you were I? Did the notion of synchronicity surface your mind?


Sunday, May 17, 2015

Spooky probability

Based on rumors, late in the night at that old college of mine, you might be able to hear "Tab, Tab, Tab ... Ding ... zzzzzzzzzzzip" coming from right above you. But walking upstairs to the source of noise, you will find no office, an activity room instead, and the sound of silence.

It might be one hardworking professor on an old typewriter, doing the graveyard shift on unfinished research business long after the terminal retirement.

My adrenaline level just skyrocketed at the foremost formidable ghost story. I might have to work on this thing after my best before date? That's the biggest fear in my life.

You see, if something happens to me. All that I have worked on will be gone with me. This damn business would be unfinished.

I am really into being a spook, ceaselessly slaving away in eternity.

Then, today, I shared links to the complete "Down with Meds" blog, the not-published-Ratology book, the folder to different versions of the final drafts for the still-in-process "Second Book," which retains only selective writings from DWM, and the folder to the "Third Book," formerly known as the introduction chapter about my psychotic onset in the "Second Book."

That shall cut the spooky probability much further down ... I hope ... and Ratology might sing this song to me when the day of duty-free arrives.






PS. The sentence-long paragraph sounds mighty confusing?


Yes, that's the way I like it especially after trying to make myself writing in proper English since the beginning of the Second Book! It's also really annoying that I can't embed multimedia stuff like youtube clips in the book.


Sunday, May 3, 2015

I don't know jack: John's revelation

I knew the relationship between John and the word in the beginning. However, it was not until today did I realize John, this one or not debatable, also had something to do with the book of Revelation?!
John is credited as the author of the Book of Revelation, relating his vision of the end of the world. http://www.stjohndivine.org/about/architecture/cathedral-symbolic 
I really don't know jack. 

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

From Snowden to Ratology Risk Management Plan

Finally gotten all the main content set for the book about my psychotic onset in 2000-2001 yesterday--the original introduction chapter for the first out of 3 Ratology book..

Haphazardly, I came across this interview on Snowden today. Being in Taiwan, I didn't pay too much attention to the news when it first came out. I just knew some guy worked for the US government gave some some information and escaped to some European country.

After listening to the interview, I got some basic ideas about the whole Snowden affair and pondered .... "What's so secrete about it? I knew since Y2K that the governments, wherever I was, records everything about me except I don't know why, what they want to do about it, and how they are going to analyze the data."

There are benefits to it, personally. The FACT that every keystroke was monitored has given me a sense of relief.

In case something happen to me, things in my head would be lost but all the work I have put into the whole damn Ratology thing, all the writing, and all the data collected, will be retained.  

There are people with root accesses to all my accounts. It's a piece of cake to obtain and recover everything I have ever produced. To make it easier, I back ratology-related things up on various accounts in the cloud for fear of server problems on one of service providers. In terms of what they could do with them is beyond my bandwidth and will be none of my business at the point..

What if nobody ever gives a rats ass about me? At the very end, it'd be none of my business at that point just as, in this life, I am just stuck with my paranoid delusional belief. lol




Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Space Shuttle Columbia

I remember that day when the accident happened.



I was on the eighth floor of St. Lucke's, looking out of the window at the St. John, telepathically communicating with the astronauts while wishing God for a miracle to let all to be safe and sound.



NASA reports new details of Columbia deaths

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Death of Death as in Death of a Black Hole

Black holes have always been something so very mysterious to me.

In my much younger years, I learned that after a star much much bigger than our sun goes bye bye, it could turn into a black hole--with things dragging into it failing to escape as if in quicksand, and possibly creating an entrance to another universe.

Then I learned that not only do black holes swallow up stars and give birth to baby universes, they could also help to deliver the birth of baby stars--through the jet streams they spew out after biting more than they could chew.

It had never occurred to me until today that, "Since nothing last forever, could Black Holes, sort of like death itself, die?

That's an interesting new question to me though an old question, apparently, to the others.

In short, yes, theoretically, death itself could face its own death as black holes will die eventually save I won't live long enough to see it and, possibly, even this universe we reside in isn't old enough to behold its occurrence.

Read Quote of Frank Heile's answer to What would the "death" of a Black Hole look like? on Quora

Evaporation, what an interesting kind of terminal death--reminding me how everything died "cleanly" after their death by evaporating into the ether through my body during my second Apocalypse. :-O

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Woolfy Style and expectation again

After finishing A room of one's own with the slot game of "the big bad wolf and three piglets" spinning on its own on the side, I found myself in a fog.



Ok, I did find traces of Mrs. Dalloway but "This is the Woolfy style?"

The fog I found myself in was a result of cognitive dissonance. Something expected was missing.

Based on the impression I got from bibliographical info online or the movie, The Hour, there had to be a hint of depression (not quite sure whether it's the right word) in the writing of this legendary lady who went with the river of no return--like what I sensed in Wallace's "A supposedly fun thing I will never do again," which, by the way, was considered as extremely funny and humorous by quite a lot of people.



Since I don't know squat about literature and writing, I have no business to meddle with what might contribute to what I sense in people's writing, or the content.

One thing I know is that Woolf must have had the work done when depression gave her a break, whether she was in the manic phase or not. If it's true, I have to really thank her for managing to bring herself out of depression when not required to be in it. It's because it somehow pains me greatly to read things that are supposed to be on the sunny side while something in the writing tells me, "The author is sort of like ... very depressed?"--whether the authors themselves know it or not, and whether it's my disordered thinking or not.

I was actually pretty afraid of Virginia Woolf--more precisely, reading her work--A room of one's own. It's a good thing that the estimated value of expectation is far off from the true value this round, when I learn that the "my feel" kind of thing is considered by me part of the stuff called a style (whether it belongs to other people's style or not, and whether it would remain so for me or not).





(P.S., Though I said I don't have the audacity to comment on the content, Woolf's emphasis on the progression of the collective does remind me of my call for the mental nation to strive on, helping ourselves and helping others to help ourselves, for the benefit of the future generation of we mentals--in the book I completed that was far too long and thus not published.)

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Curious George et al

I think that I knew Adam Bede was written by George Eliot when listening to the audio book.

Apparently, in Du côté de chez Swann, the rare volume of Proust's work that I managed to plow through, writing of George Sand were mentioned.

When I read the Chinese version of Jane Eyre, it never occurred to me the book was written by Currur Bell.

I just encountered these names when going through the rationale of Woolf's claim that in order for a woman to write fictions, she needs to have money and a room.

No, I didn't come to this book because I want to write fictions. I am already beyond sick and tired of writing with my limited English proficiency at this point. I arrived at this book because I have no inkling of the Woolfy style.

Then, I came across this sentence as I was trying to get a sense of this style thing ...

"Currer Bell, George Eliot, George Sand, all the victims of inner strife as their writings prove, sought ineffectively to veil themselves by using the name of a man."

This illiterate thought, "Eh, the name George Eliot sounds familiar."

The sense of familiarity led me to reread the sentence again, which got me confused, "You mean these men were women?" (And, yes, there really can be someone ignorant like me.)

So I went googling around, "Wow, it's true. The authors were female except they used a male pen name. They could have saved the whole trouble if their parents had named them with my name since it's a male name."

Then it struck me--the power of expectation in the process of mindless interpretation.

Midway through the book, I know where Virginia Woolf was going even though I have been reading more for her style than for content. Yet, despite the context and the fact that she explicitly stated that A, B, and C used "the name of a man," upon the presence of A, B, and C, a part of my head already established the expectation that these male authors were mentioned for certain argumentative purpose. As a result, my head almost stopped processing upon the presence of that expectation.

Since the purpose of my reading is to get a sense of the Woolfy style, it's nothing traumatic except, "Shit! How much of what I have learned in life so far is a result of the George et al phenomena?" :-X

Anyways, not quite sure whether this book is representative of the Woolfy style since it seems to be different from the trip Mrs. Dalloway took to get the flowers--as long as it's not like searching through Torrents of Spring for Hemingway's style. lol

(Thought I might post something since it's been a while since my last blurb.)


Thursday, December 11, 2014

My favorite sentence in Catch 22

I have been told that it's no good to write long sentences. Given my command or lack of command in the English language, it's for my benefit to shy away from long sentences for fear of grammatical and syntactical errors.

I have to say though that, despite the ineffable agony it took for me to plow through the book while cursing Mr. Heller away for using too many words, I was immensely amused by the sentence in italics even though it was three o'clock in the morning during a time when I was still climbing out of the bottom of my damn depression.

"... Pandemonium broke loose. It took almost a full minute for Appleby to disentangle himself from Orr's flailing arms and legs and grope his way to his feet, with Orr held off the ground before him by the shirt front in one hand and his other arm drawn back in a fist to smite him dead, and at that moment Yossarian stepped forward and took Orr away from him. It was a night of surprises for Appleby, who was as large as Yossarian and as strong and who swung at Yossarian as hard as he could with a punch that flooded Chief White Halfoat with such joyous excitement that he turned and busted Colonel Moodus in the nose with a punch that filled General Dreedle with such mellow gratification that he had Colonel Cathcart throw the chaplain out of the officers' club and ordered Chief White Halfoat moved into Doc Daneeka's tent, where he could be under a doctor's care twenty-four hours a day and be kept in good enough physical condition to bust Colonel Moodus in the nose again whenever General Dreedle wanted him to."

About 30 something supposedly the most humorous and funniest books later, it's time for me to reflect on what good these books are for me.

One thing for sure, I don't have what it takes to construct a sentence, albeit long, hilarious as such (and, of course, many other more lol)! 

Sunday, November 2, 2014

My Two Cents: Blogging about Psychosis?

I had thought that, after last night's posting, I am to not blog for at least a few more weeks if not months. Then, when trying to find information about whether it's a good thing for patients to have insight about their mental health problem and admit it, I came across this article on BBC (http://www.bbc.com/news/health-29861510) today which made me feel compelled to offer my two cents.

Apparently, the experts are now asking people to blog about their psychosis: something I have done for over a decade and was to promote, sort of, in my book.  Except, having blogging myself into the psychiatric ward, I am a living case of how blogging publicly about one's own psychotic symptoms could actually do more harm than good.

Believe me, when you are so psychotic that you believe you are telepathic or your thoughts are broadcast, it's very unlikely that your mental condition will benefit from the reality that you really are broadcasting yours symptoms to the public like Anderson Cooper live from Gaza's front line with a bomb blowing up right behind.

Private blogs which could only be accessed by the authorized people, would be a good way of doing it, especially when there are professionals closely monitoring the writing. Unfortunately, based on my experiences with my private blog "Ratology at Heal," which is only accessible to mes, myselves and Is, even private blogs are not fail-safe because my paranoid self has never stopped for a day believing that my private blogs are read by unauthorized people, meaning, people other than me.

Regardless, my best wishes to this project and the well-being of the participating patients.  At the same time, it's my most sincere hope that the professionals really could make the best use of the captured utterances to maximize the therapeutic advantages of blogging--something I have used my life to test for the past decade. I believe that it will help although we patients might need others to help us catch our own disordered.

Most importantly, we all should keep this in mind, as per the hallucination at my onset, "Do no harm."

Bon Chance!


Saturday, November 1, 2014

Them Apocalypses

Throughout the years, I mumble-jumbled about my apocalypses and how purgatorio, paradiso, and inferno all went adios, resurrected, went adios, etc.

The reality is that I have never really read the bible and I have no inkling what the Apocalypse was supposed to be like according to the bible.

I might have read a verse or two when I went with this friend to the Unfinished on the Bunny Day one year. If I recall correctly, they were talking about the story of how Moses led the Israelites to escape through the opening of the Red Sea, and how the the closing of the Red Sea drowned all Egyptians soldiers coming after them. I also know about famous verses like "In the beginning was the word" and "In the beginning God created heaven and earth ...." 

Shamefully, this is about as much text I have read in the Bible. My close-to-nonexisting exposure to the sacred text absolutely appalled one hard-core atheist friend (and I thought that he was about to un-friend me for it) because it is such a literary classic so beautifully composed.

Anyways, so, I spent the last 2-3 days finishing up reading Good Omens, where creatures were running around trying either to ensure that the Apocalypse takes place or to stop it from happening.

Then, it occurred to me how blessed I only had to live through and to revert them unannounced apocalypses one after another without the foresight that, "Odds fish! How on earth am I to prevent it from happening?"

One thing I figured from this book is that the purgatorio is definitely going to be gone with the wind upon the apocalypse. This leads me to wonder: since my apocalypses seemed to have overshot the apocalyptic criteria, perhaps my apocalypses are not the same as The Apocalypse and I should name them something else ... like ... Total Ec-lypses? 8-O




Thursday, October 16, 2014

Heavy, Writing

The first draft of one chapter of this new book was written in the dire of MY major depression. After reading it, this copyeditor of mine had me told, "It's too heavy. You need to make it lighter and funnier."

Then, after months of pulling my hair out trying to make my own words lighter and more humorous, I came across the following anecdote about the consequences of heavy writing, which made me laugh my head off.

A Heavy Play.—When Sir Charles Sedley's comedy of "Bellamira" was performed, the roof of the theatre fell down, by which, however, few people were hurt except the author. This occasioned Sir Fleetwood Shepherd to say, "There was so much fire in his play, that it blew up the poet, house and all." "No," replied the good-natured author, "the play was so heavy, that it broke down the house, and buried the poor poet in his own rubbish."

Various (2012-05-17). The Book of Three Hundred Anecdotes Historical, Literary, and Humorous - A New Selection (p. 40). . Kindle Edition.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Catch-22

I decided to pick up some humorous classics since my training in academic writing didn't cover the humor department and a classic is something everyone wished to have read. Now I have plowed through Catch 22 like how Orr rowed himself on that raft to Sweden, I have to agree that Catch 22 is one fun book to read with the embedded humor characterized by disordered-ness. I could do away, though, with the depressing part towards the end though when too many people were dropping and the tone turned serious.

Done with the reading, I just got on the raft of having to figure out how my propelling through this book could assist me in rowing through the humorization process of my writing.

Before I get to Sweden, let me share this direct quote with you. So this is where Catch-22 came from:

"'Sure there's a catch,' Doc Daneeka replied. 'Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy.'
There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle."

BTW, the medal scene from the film.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Unmerited suffering

I have been stuck in a state of not-a-whit-of-wit while trying to humorize my amateur version of "Les Mis" accidentally created as depression slyly sneaked out on me throughout the months described in my last post.

As a psychotic depressive (in major depression) with the biggest fear as the complete opposite of Yossarian's in Catch 22 and the premonition of the pending death enriched by the auditory hallucination of "Death be upon you" following me like my half shadow, it's an immensely interesting pursuit to try to be humorous and funny in writing on matters that apparently pained me so much that I actually went back to the psychiatric ward (e.g., the denial of green card, financial issues, facing the abnormal pain and mobility issues that would not go away).  Worst of all, because I was too depressed to be humorous to begin with, trying to be humorous to no avail during the revision process and consequentially making no progress depressed me even more, especially when effects of anti-depressant was slacking away, taking its time to work.

This quota of my unmerited suffering leads me to conclude that because it's been a long long time since I last dealt with major major major major kind of depression that last so long, I have become rusted in being depressed (and it's a good thing that my books focus on psychosis rather than on depression). Also, I suspect that the attempt to be funny and humorous is actually a depressant when in major depression even though they say that humor etc helps. I would actually suggest against intentional attempts to be humorous and funny unless your psychotic self also push you to work through a book that requires humor to lighten things up. Nonetheless, unintentional humor seems kosher still.

Just a state report summarizing what I have been down to and a followup for my last post.



A quote to share with you (where I got the title from):
"to reconcile belief in an omnipresent, omni-benevolent God with the fact of unmerited suffering."

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/28/opinion/sunday/god-darwin-and-my-college-biology-class.html?_r=0

Friday, August 29, 2014

What is the purpose of my suffering? And what is the meaning of life?

All things included, having to live with this body and the head and the drug side effect while trying to push the book out, I am tired.

Suffering is the word I will use this time.

I lived through 8-9 months with thought broadcasting sysmptom because Seroquel at a dosage lower than 25 mg nowadays could already make my body jumping around, waking me up in the middle of the night finding my knees rolling up to my chest. Also, I had to work on the book.

When I eventually up the dosage even more to get the symptoms taken of, the bodily side effect got even worst. I couldn't sleep because of the bodily discomfort and the tightening up of muscles all over.

As a result, Abilify was added to treat the condition and to replace Seroquel. Unfortunately, the bodily side effect, Akathisia, of Abilify was even worst. I was so busy shaking my body and moving the body around that I could do nothing else at all.

Then, for weeks, I had to go through meds reduction and constantly coping with drug withdrawal. I started trying to taper off Seroquel only to realize at some point that the side effect of Abilify was even more unbearable. As a result, I had to gradually cut own on the dosage of Abilify and got off it instead.

In the meanwhile, the bodily discomfort was always there--the physical part of my minor inconveniences in life. I went to a neurologist and tried out meds like Lyrica, but it made me more sedated than anything else, and did not take the discomfort part away at all.

Worst of all, all these medication brought forth depression as well.

Amidst all these, based on my friends' feedback, I realize that the book was too long and I decided to split it into 3. Yet, it's simply too difficult to use this head under the influence of the medication and depression as well as the bodily discomfort.

All these lead to the question: What is the purpose of my suffering? And what is the meaning of life?

It also made me perplexed why no one cares to ask what the meaning of life might be.

Then, I revisited the following clip by Frankl. It doesn't answer the question but, at least, it tells me that I am not the only one bearing this question.


Friday, August 15, 2014

Quote of Francis Bacon

FRANCIS BACON

Essay 1. Of Studies. 

Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested.

Quote by Henry Longfellow

HENRY W. LONGFELLOW. 


A Psalm of Life. 

Tell me not, in mournful numbers, "Life is but an empty dream!" For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem. 

Art is long, and Time is fleeting. 

Let the dead Past bury its dead! 

The Light of Stars. 

Know how sublime a thing it is To suffer and be strong.

Quote by Philip James Bailey

PHILIP JAMES BAILEY 


Festus 

We live in deeds, not years; in thoughts, not breaths; In feelings, not in figures on a dial. 
We should count time by heart-throbs. He most lives Who thinks most, feels the noblest, acts the best.


Quote by Alfred Tennyson

ALFRED TENNYSON


In Memoriam. xxvii. 

'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

('Tis better to have written the books which probably will not sell than never to have written them at all.)

Quote by John Keats

JOHN KEATS. 

Endymion. 

A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

(Nice and simple words)

Quotes by Lord Byron

Lord Byron

Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, 

Canto IV (1818), Stanza 109

Man!
Thou pendulum betwixt a smile and tear
Stanza 185. 

And what is writ, is writ.
Would it were worthier!

Darkness. 

I had a dream which was not all a dream.


English Bards. 

'Tis pleasant, sure, to see one's name in print; A book's a book, although there's nothing in't. (lol talking about my books?!)

Don Juan. 

Canto xiii. St. 95. 

Society is now one polished horde,
Formed of two mighty tribes, the Bores and Bored.


Quote by Thomas Moore

Thomas Moore


All That's Bright Must Fade

All that's bright must fade, --
The brightest still the fleetest;
All that's sweet was made
But to be lost when sweetest.

See full poem

.

Quotes of Walter Scott

WALTER SCOTT.


The Lay of the Last Minstrel

Canto ii. St. 22. I cannot tell how the truth may be; I say the tale as 'twas said to me.

The Monastery. Vol. i. Chapter ii. 

Within that awful volume lies
The mystery of mysteries!



Quotes of Rubert Burns

Robert Burns


Scots wha hae (Scots, who have).

Let us do or dee



Despondency. 

O Life! them art a galling load, Along a rough, a weary road, To wretches such as I!

See full text.

Quote of Richard Brinsley Sheridan

Richard Brinsley Sheridan

School for Scandal. 

Act iii. Sc. 3. 

Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen; 
Here's to the widow of fifty; 
Here's to the flaunting, extravagant quean, 
And here's to the housewife that's thrifty. 
Let the toast pass; 
Drink to the lass; 
I'll warrant she'll prove an excuse for the glass.

Quote of William Cowper

WILLIAM COWPER.


The Task
Book II, The Timepiece
There is a pleasure in poetic pains
Which only poets know. 

Variety's the very spice of life,
That gives it all its flavor.

Conversation. 

A fool must now and then be right, by chance.

Verses 
Supposed to be Written by Alexander Selkirk.

How fleet is a glance of the mind! 
Compared with the speed of its flight, 
The tempest itself lags behind, 
And the swift-winged arrows of light.


Quote of Beilby Porteus

BEILBY PORTEUS.

Death, a Poem. 

One murder makes a villain, Millions a hero.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Quote of Thomas Gray

THOMAS GRAY.

On a Distant Prospect of Eton College. 

No more: where ignorance is bliss, 'Tis folly to be wise.

(It surely is a shear folly to know what I know today. Why don't/can't I stay blessed?)

Quote of Lord Lyttelton

LORD LYTTELTON


Soliloquy on a Beauty in the Country.

Where none admire, 'tis useless to excel;
Where none are beaux, 'tis vain to be a belle.

Quotes of James Thomson

JAMES THOMSON.

THE SEASONS.


  1. Autumn. Loveliness Needs not the foreign aid of ornament, But is when unadorned, adorned the most.
  2. Winter. Cruel as death, and hungry as the grave.



Quotes of Edward Young

EDWARD YOUNG.

NIGHT THOUGHTS.

Procrastination is the thief of time.

Quotes of John Gay

JOHN GAY


FABLES. 

The Shepherd and the Philosopher.

Whence is thy learning? Hath thy toil
O'er books consumed the midnight oil?

Epitaph on Himself. 

Life's a jest, and all things show it;
I thought so once, and now I know it. (Can I borrow these words for my own epitaph?)

Quotes of Thomas Tickell

Thomas Tickell
On the Death of Addison. 

There taught us how to live; and (oh! too high
The price for knowledge) taught us how to die.

Colin and Lucy. 

I hear a voice you cannot hear,
Which says I must not stay,
I see a hand you cannot see,
Which beckons me away.


Alexander Pope's quote

ALEXANDER POPE.

AN ESSAY ON CRITICISM.

  1. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring.
  2. True ease in writing comes from art, not chance, As those move easiest who have learned to dance.
  3. To err is human: to forgive, divine.

Print it or no--Shall I apologize for my book? Copycat

On a day when the side effect of Seroquel has gotten ever strong, I managed to pull through The Author's Apology For His Book from Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan
Well, when I had thus put mine ends together, I shew'd them others, that I might see whether They would condemn them, or them justifie; And some said, Let them live; some, Let them die; Some said, John, print it; others said, Not so: Some said, It might do good; others said, No.

Now was I in a straight, and did not see Which was the best thing to be done by me: At last I thought, Since you are thus divided, I print it will, and so the case decided.
I think that there will be at least one person who says to me, "Print It."--who might be me myself.  

Encountering Bunyan's words, I might want to apologize for the mode and style in my upcoming books--even though I can't do work until the dosage down beginning tonight and I am feeling too unwell, with body jerking around and the head refusing to start, to even think of the books.

I shall admit that, reading writing so fine by Bunyan and the others makes me feel shy to pen down any other line. Writers! Pardon me for infringing the sacred place of writing with limited my words. But having to live through what I have to go through to come this far, the books will be finished, save they have to wait.


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Shakespear's quotes

I find the following qutoes of Shakespear to my liking. No. I didn't not read through it all within a few hours. These are quotes listed in the free Kindle book Familiar Quotations (Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition.)



TWELFTH NIGHT. 

  1. Act iii. Sc. 4. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.


MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING. 

  1. Act iii. Sc. 4. Comparisons are odorous.


MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM. 

  1. Act v. Sc. 1. The poet's eye, in a fine frenzy rolling, Doth glance from heaven to earth, from earth to heaven, And as imagination bodies forth The forms of things unknown, the poet's pen Turns them to shape, and gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name.


MERCHANT OF VENICE. 

  1. Act i. Sc. 1. I hold the world but as the world, Gratiano; A stage, where every man must play a part, And mine a sad one.
  2. Act i, Sc. 1. Gratiano speaks an infinite deal of nothing; more than any man in all Venice. His reasons are as two grains of wheat hid in two bushels of chaff: you shall seek all day ere you find them: and, when you have them, they are not worth the search. (Sounds like Shakespear is talking about me. lol)
  3. Act ii. Sc. 7. All that glisters is not gold.
  4. Act v. Sc. 1. How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a naughty world.


AS YOU LIKE IT.


  1. Act i. Sc. 3. Cel. Not a word? Ros. Not one to throw at a dog.
  2. Act ii. Sc. 7. And so from hour to hour we ripe and ripe, And then from hour to hour we rot and rot, And thereby hangs a tale."
  3. Act ii. Sc. 7. I must have liberty Withal, as large a charter as the wind, To blow on whom I please.
  4. Act ii. Sc. 7. All the world's a stage And all the men and women merely players: They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts
  5. Act iii. Sc. 8. Truly, I would the gods had made thee poetical. (Talking about me? 8-O)
  6. Act iv. Sc. 1. I had rather have a fool to make me merry, than experience to make me sad.


TAMING OF THE SHREW. 


  1. Act iv. Sc. 1, And thereby hangs a tale.


ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL.


  1. Act v. Sc. 3. Praising what is lost Makes the remembrance dear.


MACBETH.


  1. Act i. Sc. 1. Fair is foul, and foul is fair.
  2. Act i. Sc. 3. Present fears Are less than horrible imaginings.
  3. Act i. Sc. 3. Come what come may, Time and the hour runs through the roughest day.
  4. Act iii. Sc. 2. Duncan is in his grave! After life's fitful fever he sleeps well.
  5. Act iii. Sc. 4. Stand not upon the order of your going, But go at once.
  6. Act iv. Sc. 3. I cannot but remember such things were, That were most precious to me.
  7. Act v. Sc. 5. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more; it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.

KING JOHN.


  1. Act iii. Sc. 4. Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale, Vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.


KING RICHARD II. 


  1. Act ii. Sc. 1. The ripest fruit first falls.{60}


FIRST PART OF KING HENRY IV. 


  1. Act i. Sc. 2. 'Tis my vocation, Hal; 'tis no sin for a man to labor in his vocation.


FIRST PART OF KING HENRY IV.


  1. Act ii. Sc. 4. I was a coward on instinct.
  2. Act v. Sc. 4. The better part of valor is—discretion.


SECOND PART OF KING HENRY IV.


  1. Act i. Sc. 2. I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men.


SECOND PART OF KING HENRY VI. 


  1. Act iii. Sc. 1. Smooth runs the water where the brook is deep.
  2. Act iii. Sc. 3. He dies and makes no sign.


THIRD PART OF KING HENRY VI. 


  1. Act v. Sc. 6. Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind; The thief doth fear each bush an officer.


KING RICHARD III


  1. Act iv. Sc. 4. An honest tale speeds best, being plainly told
  2. Act v. Sc. 4. A horse! a horse! My kingdom for a horse!


JULIUS CAESAR.


  1. Act i. Sc. 2. But, for mine own part, it was Greek to me.
  2. Act ii. Sc. 2. Cowards die many times before their deaths; The valiant never taste of death but once.
  3. Act iii. Sc. 2. Not that I loved Caesar less, but that I loved Rome more.
  4. Act iv. Sc. 2. There are no tricks in plain and simple faith.


ROMEO AND JULIET.


  1. Act v. Sc. 1. My poverty, but not my will, consents.


HAMLET.


  1. Act i. Sc. 4. Let me not burst in ignorance!
  2. Act i. Sc. 5. There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
  3. Act ii. Sc. 2. Brevity is the soul of wit.
  4. Act ii. Sc. 2. Though this be madness, yet there's method in it.
  5. Act iii. Sc. 1. To be, or not to be? that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind, to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And, by opposing, end them?—To die—to sleep— No more—and, by a sleep, to say we end The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to—'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished. To die—to sleep— {85} To sleep! perchance, to dream—ay, there's the rub; For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.
  6. Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
  7. Act iv. Sc. 5. When sorrows come, they come not single spies, But in battalions!


OTHELLO.


  1. Act ii. Sc. 1. For I am nothing, if not critical.
  2. Act iii. Sc. 3. O, beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster, which doth make The meat it feeds on.



I haue ...

This nice quote from the bible should be the ending of the DWM book.

“I haue fought a good fight, I haue finished my course, I haue kept the faith.”
2 Timothy iv. 7., 1611 King James Version  



Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Thine own mouth

No wonder I run mouth on myself all the times ...

Luke xix. 22. Out of thine own mouth will I judge thee.

Various (2009-10-04). Familiar Quotations (Kindle Locations 196-197). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition. 

Peal before swine

Never knew where the express "peal before swine" comes from ...

Matthew vii. 6. Neither cast ye your pearls before swine.
Various (2009-10-04). Familiar Quotations (Kindle Location 172). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition. 

Thou knowest not what a day may bring forth

Guess this is why I have to stay in the present for it's true, though knoest not what a day may bring forth such as a chair collapsed under me in a meeting. 8-O lol 8-X


Proverbs 27 Boast not thyself of to-morrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth.


Various (2009-10-04). Familiar Quotations (Kindle Location 135). Public Domain Books. Kindle Edition. 

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Who is the audience and why?

My friends' comments made me worried.

The book, even with DWM itself as a book, is too long.

Feedback from both sources resonates with a question I have been asked far too often: Who is the audience?

My answer now is: The audience is the research community. The purpose as getting the dataset published so as to reach those who might be interested in making use of the data.

I believe the dataset could do some help. It's just I won't be the person to analyze my own data.

Essentially, I am publishing DWM as a book in search of the people who can make use of it, find implications based on it, and help my fellows and I with it.

Come to think about it, from the beginning of my blogging era, what I have been doing is sending the SOS to all the researchers on psychosis on the planet and beyond.

"This is what I can offer. Please take what I can offer, turn it into Gold ... into real-life implications.  Help us, including me, and help us to help ourselves."

Can you hear me now? 8-O



From craving and meaning
Let me still be researchable.
Let me be that row in your dataset.
Let me be that dot in your analysis.
Let me hope that to be a useful dot in your sea of data. Outlier or not.
Let me give you the burden of understanding our collective being for I might have stopped kicking before we get to connect the dots.
Let you be my extended cognition to off set some of my meaning craving so that I could go back to my life working on deadlines to be made and tasks to be accomplished (including finding a good paying job and a rich husband who lets me use my money lol).

What differentiate a content provider and a writer?

It's God's honest truth that I really have a beef with my own writing--the more I read it, the more of "a beef" I have with it. I have no idea why I can't write elegantly like other people. Man.

Then, this thought came upon my mind: What differentiate a content provider and a writer?

The former contributes content and the later writes. According to a friend of mine who's a copyeditor, content providers are not necessary writers?

Good thing I never claim myself to be a writer since I am possibly a content provider who fails in the writing department.

Yet, even if I assume myself as a content provider, it still doesn't resolve the original issue of "why I can't write elegantly like other people." 8-O lol




Thursday, August 7, 2014

Kafka-thou hast depth

Just listened to Kafka's Metamorphosis again as I was brainlessly inserting hyperlinks for the Kindle version of my book.

It's an absolutely powerful story in simple language (at least based on the English version).

My after-thought: Kafka, thou hast depth.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

I have a dream: Some day someone will find value and help in the Ratology book.

If I thought the process of working on proofreading the Ratology book is tedious, I didn't know jack. The process of formatting the book to according to Kindle and Create Space standards, respectively, is a real killer--killing me softly with physical pain.

In any case, one thought I have in mind when silently enduring my suffering is: Will it help?

I have a dream: Some day someone will find value and help in the Ratology book.

When the day comes, I will have to thank that someone for making my dream comes true.

Please find below the full Table of Contents (that you won't find in the book itself).


Monday, July 28, 2014

hard to write a book description

It's hard to write a book description.

I think the reason why it's difficult is because you are supposed to write that description to sell your writing to others.

So far in my life, I have only write to write rather write to sell.  A different skill I guess.

Book description trail - semi-thriller

Does this version sound too grandious?

What happens as one first encounters psychosis? What happens when psychosis becomes an ordinary part of life? Overwhelmed by persecution, I started to write and journal in response to the conspiracy theories surrounding me as early as in year 2000. What's to be revealed in Ratology Evolutions: Ratprincess's Psychotic Discourse is the journaling of a journey in the sea of psychosis, tainted by disordered thoughts and hallucinations. One thing to keep in mind when reading real-life journal is: "What portion of the discourse is in response to real (i.e., shared by others) events?" Be sure to stay centered for if you can't stay afloat in the sea of my madness, you might sink with me.

My personal account is littered with references to my cultural background, and coupled with a thoughtful, academic treatise which attempts to provide a more structured view of my journey. Readers will get a tantalizing glimpse into the lives of those living with mental health conditions, physical disabilities, and chronic pain. It could be a supplementary reading to those interested in psychosis including students and those in the mental health field.

Would it interest people? (I know ... I never really get comments even when openly solicit comments. 問也是白問。lol )

book description trail - journal

Although this book referenced to events in past psychotic episodes (e.g., Apocalypse) or daily life, one key notion the readers have to keep in mind when reading writing in my journaling format is: What portion of the discourse is in response to real (i.e., shared by others) events? If you can't stay centered, you sink into madness with me.

book description trials: fish

This is a story about my psychosis and me.
This is a story about the relationship between my psychosis and me.

I think, you think, everyone else think. But my psychosis is mute despite hallucinations. My psychosis is mute because it simply does its own thing.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Could I run, climb, dance, and bear weight again?

Could this line of technology also help my body to regain the ability to run, climb, dance and bear weight again , though all my limbs are intact--just the body pays no mind to my intention? A dream of mine. Fulfill-able? The question.

Good luck to projects alike to help those who can benefit it and end disabilities.
"Basic level of physical function should be a part of our human rights. Every person should have the right to live life without disability if they so choose."

Friday, July 25, 2014

A dream: Backpacking

On my way back from NYC to Taipei in April, I managed to get myself an extended layover (over 2 weeks) in Japan, landing at and exiting from the Narita Airport ... with a real luggage other than my backpack carrying my laptop, camera, two external hard drive, and essential documents.

I did an extensive though not as in-depth as possible trip in Japan. I went as far north as Kessennuma (氣仙沼) and Sendai, and saw work people put forth in the area affected by tsunami to rebuilt their cities and economy. I went as south as Miyajima in Hiroshima.  I also visited Osaka, Kyoto, Nagoya, Tokyo, Narita, and stayed at 山中湖 Yamanaka-ko by Mt. Fuji.


Other than all the new experience (which will not be covered here), like in all other places on this planet, one consistent theme throughout the trip was the never-ending pursuit in search of a disability access and the detours I have to take to avoid stairs. lol

Moreover, a thrifty (necessary since I am selling all things off to pay my bills so as to get the book out) backpacker like me also would like to take the train into the Narita airport.  I did it with 3 steps.

1. I physically did a trip taking a tour from Narita to Narita airport to see whether there is an elevator going from the platform. I also walked all the way to the check-in counter to see how I might be able to carry my luggage, too heavy for me (though considered light by the others).
2. Since I had to get to the airport by 6-7 o'clock and the freaking hostel I stayed at was on the 3rd floor and without an elevator, plus less than "no service" provided by the owner, I actually troubled another guest to help me carry my luggage downstairs and stored the luggage at the locker of the train station the night before. This is because I won't find anyone to help me carry the luggage down and might not be able to get a cap 5 o'clock in the morning.
3. On the morning of the departure, I got to the station, got my luggage, took the JR train, arrived at the airport, put the luggage on the cart, wheeled it to the check-in counter, and checked in.

My body was a wreck and it took me weeks if not months to recover although ...

my dream since 2007 finally came true because I went backpacking  and I got myself to the airport the same thrifty way the other backpackers do.

Sure, a mental and physical handicapped like me should just stay home and be disabled. Yet, my dream came true.

(This is cross-posted in Ratology at Large.)

A dream: Mango Ice 芒果冰

Because of my bodily condition, I can not have ice or drink icy drinks and I haven't had anything icy since 2008.

Therefore, for years I had a dream. I wanted to try out this world famous Taiwanese Mango Ice 芒果冰, which I was too cheap to buy in my healthy days.

Finally, I went with two pals to Ice Monster bought myself one of the following bowls of ice.



I tasted something like 1-2 spool of ice and that was it. Unfortunately, albeit with hot water as the chaser, bodily pain emerge right after and I had to quickly take a hot shower and an Alleve to kill the pain.

Regardless, on July 8th, 2014, I bought myself Mango Ice 芒果冰 and get a dream fulfilled.

Only if the fulfillment of all dreams could simply be bought.

A dream: walking around with my laptop

I decided to carry my 3-pound laptop out with me today.  Didn't walk too far or too long but it is a great accomplishment, since I was tired out after my trip in Japan. It also fulfills yet another dream of mine: having the leisure and the ability to carry a laptop and do work wherever, like everyone else.

Regardless, on July 25th,, 2014, I made this dream come true despite of the short distance covered.

book description

I thought the introduction chapter was bad since you need to know what you are talking about in order to introduce the book.

Now I realize that writing book description is even worse since I will have to capture my ideas in even fewer words. 8-X


Sunday, July 20, 2014

My shrinking head

A new study found that other than ordinary aging, my antipsychotic medication might have contributed to the faster rate for my brain to shrink ... with me possibly having fewer brain cells and connections than normal.

They say that the shrunken brain has not been found to "have effect on people" such as cognitive capacity, although I wonder whether it's dependent on how cognitive capacity is defined.

Antipsychotic drugs linked to slight decrease in brain volume

Original article: Longitudinal Changes in Total Brain Volume in Schizophrenia: Relation to Symptom Severity, Cognition and Antipsychotic Medication

(This is cross-posted in Research Kinda Thing)

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Anyone have a recommendation for a self-publishing company?

Albeit with the clairvoyance that ain't nobody is gonna respond, I have this question to post to the world:

Anyone have a recommendation for a self-publishing company?

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

9-copy book

I had thought that my previous book aka my dissertation sold 10 copies.  Ended up, as per the following blurb, it sold 8 copies.  As a result, I only need to sell 9 copies of this Ratology boook to break my own record. GSD!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006
The Check
Got a check in the mail today. Eight copies of my dissertation, which contained 90 percent statistically insignificant results, were sold. A big fat check—$10.15 I was paid. lol.
Hooray!
Just don’t ask me about the return on investment for the calculation of ROI is postponed till the time when we reach a ratio of greater than zero. lol.


Tuesday, June 10, 2014

From the view of a normal: What it be like to be psychotic?

Just watched the clip where Anderson Cooper experimented with auditory hallucination, one of the classic psychotic symptoms, and his take on it.

Anderson takes part in an experiment to help understand how people live with mental illness



The simulation as seen on the clip does a good job in representing what it be like to live with voices. Personally, when my voices got to be at the level that Mr. Cooper had to experience, my mental health condition would have been very bad with the presence of thought broadcasting and "telepathy" coexisting as well.  It's gotta be tough for him to pull it through.

At the same time, I suspect that the comment Mr. Cooper made about how he couldn't wait to turn the voices off absolutely resonates with all who live with symptoms like auditory hallucination. 

Sunday, June 8, 2014

What did I bring with me into the psychiatric ward the first time I was hospitalized?

I found an old textbook that I had great difficulties locating online nowadays if not simply everywhere else:


Haag, S., Cummings, M., & Dawkins, J. (2000). Management information systems for the information age. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill/Irwin

Afterwards, this question came to my mind, "What did I bring with me into the psychiatric ward the first time I was hospitalized?"

Apparently, although I didn't even bring underpants with me into the psychiatric ward, let alone other types of clothing, I somehow might have gone into the Club Meds with Management information systems for the information age by Haag, Cummings, & Dawkins (2000). (Ask me not why or how on earth this exact book is still in my possession after my move from New York. 8-O 8-X)

The ugly handwriting on the paper was mine. Yes. 8-X
In this picture, you can find my daily journal in the psychiatric ward, the textbook text I referred to in the first paragraph of the journal, and the digitized text on the screen in the back.