Perhaps, withdrawal or change of guards

Perhaps, what I am experiencing more and more frequently and intensively is the withdrawal from Risperdal... it's about 15-16 hours since I took the decreased dosage.

My extremity now is either cold like ice or burning hot... (and now I know what it means to have burning pain officially, I guess, something I have stated to not want to understand)

My body is shivering and hands are shaking like the real Canadian shake and bake. lol

Sort of having problem to coordinate my body-- including writing and typing also slowered.

However, it is ok... withdrawal will pass and I will be fine, I know.

Or, since Seroquel still is moving in, let's call it the change of guards phenomena....

If you have any question, ask it, cause I will not dwell in withdrawal forever and I will grow out of it.

armchair taxonomy

A new phrase I learn for the day--- "armchair taxonomy"-- I guess this is what I do... I sit on the chair doing nothing good and come up with semi-logical kinda things...

The context within which this phrase surface--

1. The idea that pains as multiple-dimensional phenomena and the compositions of the yet to be specified dimensions.
2. The subjectiveness self-report by the patients

"Armchair taxonomy" cannot decide the number and nature of pain dimensions-- it sounds like armchair taxonomy is a taxonomy you cook up while rocking around on that armchair and the way it is used makes it sound sort of negative...

Risperdal withdrawal

I have been sneezing all morning, in addition to the tiredness resulting from the reintroduction of Seroquel back to my system.
I just could not wake up... not until I finally, after a cup of tea, added another cup of coffee and 2 smokes to jump the batteries of the engine in my head.
Still now... my head is singing... "I'm sleepy... I'm sleepy... I'm so very very very very sleepy..." or "Seroquel... Seroquel... Seroquel now is so very very very very sedating..." lol
"Why do I sneeze?" So I asked myself...

Could it be I am catching a cold due to the fact that Naproxen (the pain killer) works by bringing down the immune system?

Or, could it be the withdrawal symptoms of letting go with Risperdal?

Then, I thought... what are the commonly known withdrawal symptoms for Risperdal? Please find following a list of Risperdal Withdrawal symptoms I found in one of a webpage.
The closest observation I found is Keratoconjunctivitis Sicca where the eyes are dry due to the lack amount of tears secretion.
In addition, I don't know whether it was placebo effect or not... one thing I know is that... I am less obsessive about meat now than before (especially after I had a sausage early in the day as per request of my body lol).
The mood is still flat and possibly has something to do with the 1500 mg Depako (mood stablizer) that I am on and I can't wait for the phasing out of Risperdal to be completed so that something could be done about the lowering of Depako dosage so as to allow me to be myself again.
Since there doesn't seem to be any report about cold like symptoms as the side effect... and, at the same time, I have only been on this drug for a month, the sneezing I had been experiencing might have been the cold I caught from my sister as a result of her visit and the lowered immune system capability--- unless it is me finally developing the thing called allergy in the season of spring awakening... 8-O lol








Risperdal Withdrawal symptoms:

1. Anorexia – No longer having a desire to eat.
2. Apothous Stomatitis – Painful red and swollen open sores on a mucus membrane of the mouth commonly called a canker sore.
3. Ataxia – Loss of the ability to move the body with coordination.
4. Arterial Fibrillation – A condition of abnormal twitching of the muscles in the blood vessels that moves the oxygenated blood from the heart to the rest of the body. The unusual twitching is rapid and irregular and replaces the normal rhythm of contraction of the muscle, which sometimes causes a lack of circulation and pulse.
5. Blood Cholesterol Increased – An abnormal condition where there is a greater amount in the blood of the oily/fatty substances known as cholesterol. Cholesterol is a necessary part of living cells (along with proteins and carbohydrates). Because cholesterol only slightly dissolves in water, it can build up on the walls of the blood vessels, therefore blocking/decreasing the amount of blood flow, which causes blood pressure to go up. If not corrected, this condition is associated with coronary artery disease.
6. Blood Creatinine Increased – A greater than normal number of creatinine or muscular chemical waste molecules in the blood. Creatinine plays a major role in energy production in muscles. Since creatinine levels are normally maintained by the kidneys, Blood Creatinine Increased is an indicator of kidney malfunction or failure.
7. Blood in Stool – The blood that is in your bowel movement usually comes from any place along your digestive tract (from your mouth to your anus). The stool can appear black and foul-smelling (usually from the upper part of your digestive tract) or red or maroon-colored (usually from the large intestine area). Hemorrhoids are the usual cause for blood in the bowels.
8. Bundle Branch Block Right – These are specialized cells in the upper right heart chamber and are the heart’s pacemaker. They send electrical signals to the heart that keeps it beating or contracting regularly. Normally the signal goes to the lower heart chambers at the same time through the bundle of His (hiss) on both the left and right sides of the heart, so the lower chambers contract at the same time. When the bundle is damaged on the right side, the signal does not fire at the same time as the left, which changes the pace of blood flow. This can lead to a person fainting.
9. Cardiac Failure – A heart disorder where the heart does not function as usual and may completely stop working.
10. Cardiac Failure Congestive – The body is asking for the heart to supply more blood than it is capable of producing and maintaining. Normally, a body can tolerate an increased amount of work for quite some time. The condition is characterized by weakness, shortness of breath, and a fluid build-up in the body tissues causing swelling.
11. Cold Sweat – The skin is clammy and moist and you feel chilled. This is a reaction to a shock or pain as well as to fear and nervousness.
12. Colitis – A condition where the large intestine becomes irritated from the use of the drug.
13. Coronary Artery Disease – A condition where the blood vessels that mainly carry the blood away from the heart become clogged up or narrowed usually by fatty deposits. The first symptom is pain spreading from the upper left body caused by not enough oxygen reaching the heart.
14. Dehydration – An extreme loss of water from the body or the organs of the body as in sickness or not drinking enough fluids.
15. Diplopia – The condition where a person is looking a one object and instead of normally seeing just the one object he sees two. This is also call double vision.
16. Diverticulitis – There are pouches or sacs on the inside of the intestines that look like fingers. This increases the area for the body to absorb nutrients as they pass through the intestines. These sacs become irritated and swollen and end up trapping waste that would normally be eliminated, causing pain and constipation.
17. Dysarthria – The inability to control the mouth muscles when forming words so the words are not clearly spoken and heard.
18. Dyslipidemia – The normal fat metabolism in the blood is interfered with.
19. Dysphagia – Trouble swallowing or the inability to swallow.
20. Ecchymosis – When a blood vessel breaks and creates a purple discoloration of the skin.
21. Edema – An abnormal build up of excess fluids in the cells, tissues, and the spaces between the tissues creating swelling.
22. Edema Peripheral – The abnormal build up of fluids in the tissues of the ankles and legs causing painless swelling in the legs, ankles, and feet. If you squeeze the swollen area it leaves an indentation on the skin for a few minutes.
23. Ejaculation Delayed – The man is not able to release sperm either during sexual intercourse or with manual stimulation in the presence of his sexual partner in spite of his wish to do so.
24. Ejaculation Dysfunction – A condition where the man has one or more of the following symptoms: He is not able to have an erection, not able to have an orgasm, has a decreased interest in sex, is sexually inhibited, or it is painful to ejaculate sperm.
25. Erectile Dysfunction – Incapable of having sexual intercourse. Even though a man desires sex he is inhibited in his sexual activity and is unable to have or maintain an erection of the penis.
26. Erythema – a skin redness caused by the swelling with blood of the tiny blood vessels of the skin as in burns.
27. Erythematous Rash – Redness of the skin from the swelling of the tiny blood vessels with skin irritation (itching, burning, tingling, pain) and breakouts (eruptions).
28. Esophageal Stenosis Acquired – The tube that moves food from the mouth to the stomach narrows.
29. Exfoliative Dermatitis – The unusual and not normal condition of scaling and shedding of the skin cells. The skin is usually red colored.
30. Face Edema – The tissues of the face become swollen.
31. Feeling Jittery – A physical sensation of nervous unease.
32. Gastric Irritation – An inflamed and sore stomach.
33. Gastric Ulcer – An open, irritated, and infected sore in the wall of the stomach.
34. Gingivitis – Sore, swollen and red gums in the mouth that bleed easily.
35. Glaucoma – The delicate nerve to the eye, the optic nerve, becomes easily damaged with the build-up of excess fluid pressure within the eyeball. The first sign of glaucoma is loss of peripheral (side) vision. It can progress to total blindness.
36. Hepatic Steatosis – Excessive amounts of fat in the liver.
37. Hyperhidrosis – The triggering of an excess of sweat being produced on the soles of the feet, the palms, or the underarms which can cause embarrassment or losing grip on a pen or other items.
38. Hyperkeratosis – An abnormal enlargement of the skin tissues causing the skin cells to increase in size.
39. Hyperlipidemia – An abnormally high number of fat cells in the blood.
40. Hypertriglyceridemia – Too many triglycerides in the blood.
    Triglycerides are three fatty acids bound together in one molecule stored by the body and available to create high levels of energy when used.
41. Hypoesthesia – A partial loss of sensation or general loss of awareness.
42. Impaired Gastric Emptying – The contents of the stomach are not passed into the intestines as normal due to the stomach losing the muscular strength to do so.
43. Increased White Blood cell Count – This is an increase in the number of cells in the blood that are responsible for the removal of bacteria and other unwanted particles. They fight disease and infection by enclosing foreign particles and removing them. An example of a disease that would increase white blood cell count would be Leukemia.
44. Insomnia – Not able to fall asleep or sleeping for a shorter time than desired, thus not being able to properly rest and feeling un-refreshed. As a result, a person can become irritable, have difficulty concentrating and feel a lack of energy. This can be caused by stimulants such as by caffeine or drugs or by mental anxiety and stress. Mental stress can be communicated and relieved.
45. Irritable Bowel Syndrome – A painful condition where the either the muscles or the nerves of the lower intestines, are not responding normally. This results in an alternating condition of diarrhea followed by constipation, back and forth.
46. Keratoconjunctivitis Sicca – A condition where the outer coating of the eyeball is dry because of a decrease in the normal amount of tears in the eye. As a result, the eyeball and inside of the eyelid thickens and hardens sometimes causing the vision to be less sharp.
47. Leukopenia – An unnaturally low number of white blood cells circulating in the blood.
48. Loose Stools – The bowel movement is runny instead of formed.
49. Lower Abdominal Pain – A hurtful irritation of the nerve endings in the area of the hipbones housing the lower digestive tract. Pain usually means tissue damage.
50. Lymphadenopathy – The lymph nodes, where the immune cells are located, become larger than is normal because of a high concentration of white blood cells.
51. Macular Degeneration – The gradual loss of central vision, which is the sharpest vision while peripheral eyesight, is unaffected.
52. Maculopathy – An abnormal condition of the yellow spot of the eye, which is located in the center of the inner lining of the eyeball and connected to the main nerve to the eye and is responsible for sharp vision.
53. Mania – Unusually irrational, excessive and/or exaggerated behavior or moods ranging from enthusiasm, sexuality, gaiety, impulsiveness and irritability to violence.
54. Melena – Abnormally darkly colored stools as a result of hemorrhaging in the digestive tract where the blood has interacted with the digestive juices creating the dark color in the bowel movement.
55. Micturition Urgency – A sudden desire to urinate usually followed by leakage.
56. Mood Swings – An emotional shifting as from a state of happiness to a state of depression for a period of time.
57. Myocardial Infarction – The blood going to the heart is delayed or stopped causing middle muscle tissue in the heart wall to die.
58. Nasopharyngitis – Irritation, redness and swelling tissues in the nose and the tube leading from the mouth to the voice box as well as the tubes leading to the ears.
59. Nephropathy – An abnormally functioning or diseased kidney.
60. Nervousness – Jumpy, jittery, anxious, and troubled with an irritable temperament.
61. Night Sweats – The water-salt, waste product the skin releases is called sweat or perspiration. With night sweats you become wide awake in the middle of the night shivering and cold and wet with your sheets/pajamas soaked in perspiration making it difficult to go back to sleep.
62. Nightmare – Dreams that make you afraid or leave feelings of fear, terror, and upset long after waking up.
63. Orgasm Abnormal – Unable to have an orgasm with normal sexual stimulation.
64. Oropharyngeal Swelling – A swelling in the area from the soft part of the roof of the mouth to the back of the mouth.
65. Pain in Extremity – A painful feeling in the legs, arms, hands, and feet.
66. Pharyngolaryngeal Pain – Pain in the area of the respiratory tract (organs of breathing) from the throat to the voice box and above the windpipe.
67. Photopsia – A condition where a person see lights, sparks or colors in front of your eyes.
68. Photosensitivity Reaction – An exaggerated sunburn reaction that is not normal in proportion to the amount of exposure to the light.
69. Pollakiuria – Urinating much more frequently than normal – as often as once every five to fifteen minutes.
70. Pressure of Speech – A condition where the individual cannot voice his ideas fast enough with the pressure of there being not enough time to say it.
71. Pruritic Rash – Extremely itchy, red, swollen bumps on the skin.
72. Pyrexia – Fever or the increase in body temperature that is usually a sign of infection.
73. Retinal Detachment – The thin layer lining the back of the eyeball (the retina) detaches from the back of the eyeball. This thin layer is like the film of a camera because it sends the images a person views to the brain. When it detaches it causes a reduced ability to see.
74. Rigors – Shivering or shaking of the body as if chilled, preventing normal responses.
75. Skin Ulcer – An open sore or infected skin eruption with swelling, redness, pus, and irritation.
76. Sleep Disorder – These are a list of sleep disorders such as teeth grinding, insomnia, jet lag, sleep walking, abnormally falling asleep during the middle of a conversation after a full night’s rest, uncontrolled body motions keeping one awake, etc.
77. Suicide, Completed – An attempted attack on oneself that is life threatening results in death.
78. Upper Respiratory Tract Infection – Where the organs of breathing near the mouth such as the nose and sinuses, become infected and are usually treated by antibiotics.
79. Urinary Hesitation – Hard to start or hard to continue emptying one’s bladder.
80. Urinary Incontinence – Urinating without intending to do so because of a weakening of the muscles in the hip area from the drug affecting the nerves or the drug blocking a persons thinking process.
81. Urinary Retention – The inability to completely empty the bladder despite having the urge to do so. This can lead to infections or damage to the urinary organs.
82. Urine Flow Decreased – Dehydration of the body causing a lesser flow of urine than normal with the body reabsorbing the waste.
83. Urine Output Decreased – A condition where the output of urine produced in a 24-hour period is less than 500 ml.
84. Weight Decreased – Unintentional weight loss.
85. Weight Increased – An unusual, usually rapid weight increase.

What about tomorrow?

Tonight, I will be taking 100 mg seroquel and 2 mg Risperdal.

The inclusion of Seroquel last night had allowed me to slept through a good 9-10 hour sleep and kept me sleepy the whole day.

It is nice to be symptom free but I can't help wanting to allow the engine of my head to reach its full capacity shall it wants to.

We will still what is to happen tomorrow when working hours are scheduled to be 9 to 5.

Insanity

I walked out of my physical therapy evaluation all puzzled again today because, first, I was told that the court reverted the order of physical therapy of the back (by the response I got from asking the question, "even though the physical therapy was authorized in court") and the insurance company would only pay for the kneel rehab now.

Then, there was all these problem about a doctor's note about me going back to work... issued in the afternoon when in the morning I was still institutionalized in the coocoo's nest that day. I asked the lady to specify stair climbing kinda thing as still out of my bandwidth... possibly due to my inability to really think to straight at that time, the lady asked me to me it down in words. I was given the note. And, today, I was told that it might cause trouble now because it is a legal document and I shall have left that note along even though stair climbing is difficult for me.

"When will the storm be by-gone?" I first thought.

"The people at the physical therapy place were reacting to the scenario presented in their face purely because these are annoying correspondences."

I then looked around... and kept on looking around...

I remember this feeling...

Nobody knows me, nobody cares about me, nobody gives a rat's ass about ratology and everyone living in their own world...

This is the feeling called not being delusional... however temporary it might last.

Further down the road I traverse, I thought to myself...

In forensic psychology class, they taught us about the pros and cons of the insanity plead.

"You can't be serious about asking someone just got discharged to be responsible for that note from doctor's office given both the mental conditions and influence of the medications? " You gotta be insane such to intend... and, again, which part of insanity in myself don't I understand? Sigh

(Dosage of the day: 4 mg Risperdal, 50 Seroquel, 1500 Depako, 50 mg Zoloft, 1000 mg Naproxen)

A book

I think I will use ratology etc to write a book for my family and friends.

I also think this would be a book for a good cause.

Anyone interested, let me know, shall you feel like, the book, to contribute.

Miracle

Miracle just happened in my room... I COULD NOW SEE MY DESKTOP just when my sister's called to report to me her airplane was 1 hour late.

Miracle did not happen though to my body... lol :-x

Now my neck, upper back and shoulders are all in needle, burning (formally known as my growing) and otherwise not specified pain. Miracles, where art thou?

8-O

Scheduled change in meds

I got to my visit with my psychiatrist late today due to one of the side effect of switching to Risperdal.... sleep interruption.

Getting to the meeting 20 minutes late was not what I had intended but it happened.

I walked into the room, putting the blame on the side effect of the drug...

My psychiatrist said something like, "Won't you be early instead..."

Well, I got up after 6-7 hours of sleep and could not fall back asleep. After noticing some of my cold like symptoms such as sneezing, I decided to take an Alleve and that put me down.

By the time I woke up from my vivid dream (another side effect of the drug), I was about to be late and, this round, the engine of my head would not want to start.

Since we had not much time left and the major issue to address is the meds, I essentially projected in my head the itemized side effects in powerpoint format as listed in previous postings (the clinical implications of private or public blogs).

Then, we moved on to figuring out the issue of...

To Risperdal or not to Risperdal.
That's the question

Plan A: Lower Risperdal to 3 mg and depako to 1000 mg (both lowered)

Plan B: Bring back Seroquel and phase out Risperdal while controlling for the dosage of Depako (clinical trial here.... lol 8-X lol)

I chose plan B.

There are still cognitive side effect such as the decreased working memory and difficulties in encoding new information. However, when compared to Seroquel, the cognitive side effects seem to be less prominent.

In my much younger and more courageous age, I might have opted to test out plan A and try to overcome the remaining of the side effects... except for...

I am done with my share of being my own big lab rat... lol :-O

Let me go back to my ordinary abnormality and let the engine starts what however rate it should.

Let the slowness and sleepiness, at least, temporarily, prune them snapses no longer so very useful to me since all I need now is common sense, in addition to people I love, people who, me, love-- including that stupid husband of mine who still does not know it is me he is searching for lol, a full-time job.

In addition to the dosage I have been on all these time, I will be taking an additional 50 mg of Seroquel, which could serve as a sedative to at least give me more uninterrupted sleep so as to destress the stress imposed by the anxiety about not being able to sleep (I really love run-on sentences and guess this is why I don't really like writing academic paper... lol) and keeping my neurotransmitters happily resting in club meds... wearing their sun glasses and drinking their strawberry margaritas... lol

In the mean while, let me get back to clean my room...

My cleaning freak sister arriving tonight and the first thing you could do to destress is to walk right into the eye of the storm and take care of it... I guess... and... sometimes... lol

Gifted

I have a gift... the gift to not able to understand what to do with a lot of things I have and I learn until I finally know what to do with them.

In my much younger days, I tried really hard to understand physics, organic chemistry, biology, math, statistics, or even cognitive, abnormal and biopsychology.

However, regardless how hard I try, I still fail to learn them well as reflected in my grades... lol

The counseling psychology department at UBC, if I could recall more correctly, is more align with the attachment line of theory.

Young like me, over 1 decade ago, I thought I knew many things under the sun based on the assigned readings and lectures.

Then, one day, I attended a conference held for parents or caregivers of autistic children.

The woman hosting the conferences was one speaking of the implications of holding time--- call it the implication of the attachment doctrine.

I recall that the room was full or filled with caregivers and their children.

I was an young gun and I also raised my hand and made my comments--- academically sound to me.

Later in the session, someone raised his or her voice with comments like, "This is our real concern because we have to care for our autistic children." Ending with some statement like the rest including the intellectual ones please keep quite (that was my pre-psychotic era).

I came out up set, mad, and maybe embarrassed.

I have learned my lessons and did my homework.

What they talked about would not have been the first thing listed under any of the textbooks I have read.

I just want to help because this is what they need to know.

How did I so very obnoxiously assumed that they had such known not?

What youthful and useless ignorance?!

So, after I come back out from the hospital, I started walking up and down the streets of Manhattan with webs of delusions and hallucinations coming from all directions.

"Thought stopping."

I said to myself.

The textbooks have restated it again and again and how could I such yet master not?

Three years ago, I started my ratology blog with down with meds-- only to find out today that-- perhaps, I actually am not as down with meds as I thought I was. Otherwise, I would have been popping even more of all those pain killers, antipsychotic drugs, and antidepressants, which all work on pain and such might have spared me fewer months on trying to cope without taking too much more meds.

Except for, months later, today, I am on record high dosage on them all... forget about lungs... think about liver... 8-x

How could I have thought myself to have learned the lesson and fail it again and again unwittingly?

In my imaginary world, some people are still stuck with the concept of psychosomatic, somapsychotic (Ratology, 2008 lol), neurotransmitters and all those esoteric themes related to pain perception and spasm.

It still concerns me why after all the trials, people could not understand, despite all these are but or could be but my delusions.

Then, it occurs to me... useful lessons will be learned and useless lessons are needless for people to learn... analogous to synaptic pruning... regardless whether it is imaginary or not.

Why would people without the concern about herniated discs need to know about what it takes to live with 6 herniated locations, 3 stenosis and 4 locations of impingement?

Why would normal people need to know about what it means to be the garbage bin diagnosis case in DSM?

Just like, I did not quite understand the concept of row-conditioning in MDS until two years later, resitting in the class---

I thought of how they always asked me to measure pain from a scale of 1 to 10 while you know what it means to feel 100 or 1000. I thought of how strange it felt like to be just giving out a number without a pain-a-meter to measure things objectively. I thought of how we are to compare one person's perception of pains from those of the others.

Then, I now know what it means "row-conditioning" because it now means something to me.

If I have a gift, perhaps, such is my gift... 8-O lol


(This posting uses the ordinary blogger interface)

The implication of 成家

I think I have spent the past 36 years or so of my life trying to overcome the to-be-someone-ab-normal syndrome.... and this might have something to do with my applying for green card under the extraordinary kinda category.

I guess, I just could not understand how people could accept to just live a life and be who they have been without wanting to do something and become someone even more extraordinary.

Such is the rambling of an ignorant idiot since undoubtedly, we all are blessed in certain ways and experts in our own domain-- whether you believe it or not.

These past few days. possibly due to the deposit of the meds in my body plus the sedating effects of the drugs, I am having visions in my mind how wonderful it is going to be to settle down, to stay home doing some cooking the greens I grow by the window pane, to take a full time job that is "離家近, 工作少, 睡覺睡到自然醒,"and, one day, my 牽手 and I would realize that, 瞬然間, 兒女徒孫忽成行--

Wouldn't it be wonderful to be doing my craft, baking my cookies, or cooking up a meal while waiting for children to come home for the holidays.

Then, I said to myself--- this can not be me... such not what I would say before my June 19th, 2007 accident... or maybe before I changed to Risperdal.... side effect... 8-O

(With this posting, I will be testing out the function of posting Chinese text s using Google Docs to blogger. Apparently, google doc apparently obtain the format of texts pasted through other sources. I had to copy the whole post, pasted it in word, clear the format, repaste the text in google docs, and repost it to blogger to make this posting this time. To much work for one simple task.)

The implications of "I am full"

I happily slept through the night without interruption and woke up freundlich to the bright day light.

Then, I went and cooked myself some veggies and an egg with noodles for breakfast.

A big breakfast when compared to my ordinary diet.

I thought that was one big meal... I finished the veggies and had a banana... couldn't even finish the noodles.

I thought that shall that care of the eating department like what it used to do.

Yet, at around 1:00, not too long after I got to work, I found myself hunger for and could not stop thinking about MEAT-- ya, the animal grade kinda protein kinda meat.

Hypothesis 1: The "hunger" could be a manifestation of another side effect caused by Risperdal--- restlessness and the inability to concentrate on what I would like to concentrate on such as reading about multidimensional scaling...

Hypothesis 2: It could also simply be the manifestation of another side effect of the drug... increased appetite and decreased metabolic rate. This is the reason why people gain weight after they start taking the medicine.

Hypothesis 3: In addition, even during my ordinary life, abnormal or not, I could go on for a while without eating meat and there would come, suddenly, the time, when my body tells me to get some meat to eat. Except for, this seems to be happening a bit too much more frequently in the past 5 days or so. Could it have something to do with the fact that my body is going through meat withdrawal since there was never a day I ate meat not in the hospital? lol

Irregardless (double-negative to emphasize my point) the reason, I know there is only one means to end this problem of my headless state of being and that is--- go get some meat.

So I went to the truck and got myself some nice lamb over rice....

It tastes so wonderful and a few bites down--- the craving is gone and I sat by the table, wondering to death, to myself...

"I am full. I didn't even eat so much... How could I be full?"

Since I was still thinking about meat after a smoke although the obsessive thinking did go down, restlessness might have partially contribute to my inability to stop thinking about meat but it is not the sole contributor of the problem.

This leaves us with hypothesis 2 and 3 as the competing hypotheses.

Since I was already full after around 10 bites, I will not rule out the contribution of increased appetite on a long journey traversed for 10 bites. Yet, I could not stop wondering whether the meat withdrawal hypothesis is one with greater explanatory potential.

Regardless... what does this posting offer us other than I like meat a lot sometimes? lol

1. My deductive reasoning skills seem to still be fairly intact.
   
2. This is a proof that I can not write a book yet to come out to the public since I really need a full time job to give my head something better to think of-- and coming out from where? lol
   

Most importantly, this posting is created using Google Docs and I will experiment, for the first time, editing the text using Google Docs and posting the document to my blog.

One stone, multiple birds, I guess, in an era of slow processing speed. lol

Feeling normal

It brought to me worry while at the same time relief, today, when I took my little after dinner walk down the street.

I walked 4 blocks up and down and I observed intensified severity and frequency of my psychotic symptoms.

They were talking more about me although I forgot what they were talking about. Ordinary kinda stuff I guess...

It was really night and day between night and day or before and after the wearing out of meds.

Early on in the day, I was relatively symptom free and relatively functionally.

I guess it might also have something to do with my getting not enough sleep last night (woke up again in the middle of the night due to the switching from the more sedating seroquel to Risperdal) and having to wake up early to work for the whole day today.

Paradoxically, it is a relief and now I feel more normally abnormal and not so scared. :-O

How funny is it... once it was my goal to fight off abnormality and now it is in the ordinary abnormality do I find a sense of relief..... 8-X lol

Old Christine

So I am sitting here.... watching the new adventure of new Christine.

In this episode, the ex-husband hooks her up with a youngster, about 20 years younger than her.

That gives me a thought... gee... many legal age college kids are about to be 20 years younger than me... 8-O lol

OMG... Where did the time go?

Looking at my own pictures from the old time, I was also, once upon a time, much cuter if not beautiful... :'-O lol

Salt

I woke up this morning feeling that my body was retaining too much water.

Possibly, it might have something to do with the amount of salt intake I have in recent days.

Then, while tossing and turning around in my bed, and, complaining about why I have to wake up and not wanting to go pee pee, I heard this voice in my ear... go drink some water...

I thought to myself...

What the hell... already retaining too much water.

The voice explained...

To flush the salt out... 8-O lol

So I went drank some water and went to the washroom, wishing to flush salt out as per suggested by my voice.

Empty cup

An empty cup holds all possibilities.

Now I know what I want finally after all these times of search and drifting... :-)

What would you like to be in your cup?

Fear

It might sound paradoxical to say things like I am afraid of my being able to adjust too well... and, hopefully, it was just my misperception.

Why hopefully?

I am on 4mg risperdal, 1500 mg dapako, and 50 mg zoloft. I am 1 week and 2 days discharged from the hospital.

Up to today, the brain power has rebounded back to about 60% of the capacity, with a margin of 5-10% or so, which is something I have never experienced before (can't teach an old dog a new trick)

Such rate of rebound is alarming to me because it results in my concern about the effectiveness of medications for me in the long run and shall I need them.

One common symptom experienced by psychotic patients is magic thinking...

One theme in my head this far is that... some people might really have special magic powers that could help people such as witches etc. And, perhaps, it is the good witches that are helping me to adjust to this ground breaking rate of rebound (to myself).

The magic thinking is one I would like to believe in because...

It takes the fear away about what one could turn to when, one day, drugs have problems working...

Where are the alternatives to help one keep one's cognitive competent while having to undergo the inevitables?


http://ratologyreloaded.blogspot.com/2008/03/coping.html

Somapsychotic

A good friend of mine asked me today when we were hanging for a bit...

What happened before my hospitalization and what were the implications?

Essentially, the condition seemed to have started to go downwards for a while.

Then, the severity, including both frequency and impact, of the symptoms gotten worse, which made the severity even worse.

The inability to sleep not only allowed my head to rest not. In addition, all those hours of insomnia were also perfect for the creation of delusions, which created even more stress and stress made things worse.

It was amazing, though, that, all that it took was, perhaps, a couple of days before my sleeplessness in the city that never sleep, and, the 2 straight days of unable to fall asleep--- to flush my head down the toilette.

It is possible that... the amount of delusions and hallucinations created through the hours of sleeplessness might have exceeded the total amount I experienced in the past few years, not including the times when symptoms are more prominent.

Since about Feb. 10th up to today, March 9th, in about 1 month time, I have gone from gradually going into the even more coo coo side to so very well dosed up by all kinds of medications that I feel not so much positive symptoms (hallucinations and delusions) and lesser severity of pain (since the antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs also blocks the neurotransactions relating to pain perception).

My doctors asked me... what happened?

I looked back to June 19th, 2007, on which day, I was in a meeting and fell in sitting position from a chair that collapsed under me.

Before that, my mental condition might go up and down but with a smaller amount of variance.

Then, there came the accident... I was in pain. I was immoble. There was the talk of psychosomatization and conversion disorder because, given my psychiatric profile, some people think it is my mind causing the perception of pain and contribute to the mobility problem.

Then, sometime last week, it occurred to me....

Perhaps, it is the inverse... it is not psychosomatic.

For me, it is Somapsychotic---

I have tried to use my head, yes, to control the physical pains so hard that... at some point, the brain finally gives up.... after I went back to work again and imposed on my brain both stress on my dear M&M like neurotransmitters such as dopamines (shall this theory hold true) excessive amount of work in both pain perception and work-related stress.

Other people might fall into the dire of depression, which I have done in the summer of 2007.

My physical condition also drove me psychotic even more... "somapsychotic"-- the conversion of conversion disorder etc. lol

Not my issue any more and I will just leave them to the experts... since now I am just gonna move on to technologies and craft (shall you be able to call that art).... that shall be the next chapter of my life's journey.

Coping

There are always things to cope with in life.

Since I got out from the hospital 1 week and 1 day ago, what I have been doing is to cope with the side effect of the new drug I am using now... Risperdal so it is.

Side effects I found so far are:

1. Tremors- involuntary
2. Shaking- voluntary
3. excessive secretion of saliva
4. Weight gain
5. Tactile hallucinations

What I found most stressful is how my brain is back to about 60-70% of the original house power only 8 days after I was officially discharged from the hospital.

If I could say, it is stressful to be an anomaly of the anomaly and I could not stop asking myself--- which part of I don't understand don't I understand.

What is he saying

There is this gentleman 6 floors downstairs on the street doing his daily routine.... spreading the words of love and glory.

At some point, I heard him "stop it, stop it" with the TV in the background.

"Stop what?"

I thought to myself.

"Blogging?"

And, anyone really read my blog?

I turned off the TV and listened more carefully again... "Glory, glory... Jesus, Jesus..."

I don't think I heard the stop it part.

This is, possibly, the synergistic effect of my hearing loss and delusional propensity-- similar to what my sister did when she, my mom, and I took part in a guided tour in central park.

The gentleman said something involving words such as stone and man. My diligent sister built up a story about how cavemen were living in central park. lol

Ratology Blog

Before the antipsychotic drug gave up on me (like what they said, sometimes the meds would just finally give up, and, the development of my symptoms took a jump), I got rid of the Ratology blog from blogger and some other things that later caused me much grief.

In retrospective, it was actually a timely act for Ratology to step down.

I will be reconstructing the Ratology Blog using this same account and will let you know how it goes.

If anyone is interested in getting a copy of all the backup files for personal use or for research purposes, please send me a message and I would be more than willing to share those raw thoughts with you.