Hallucination is a fact

I came across this quote by Bertrand Russel that absolutely resonates with how I conceive my psychotic symptoms if not simply my entire existence.  Think I would it with you.

"A hallucination is a fact, not an error; what is erroneous is a judgment based upon it."

No truer words.  It's like them hallucinations and delusions are absolutely natural in their own rights since, after all, they are but the product of the nature. My plight, as a psychotic, is the habitual erroneous MO to make judgment based upon them.

Over six years at large!

I have never really celebrated Valentine's Day, especially not since 2008. Because Valentine's Day 2008 was the day I was last locked up behind the gated doors with a walker as the moving aid, Valentine's Day brings me more scares than anything else. 8-O lol

Right now, New York Time, 2/15/2014.

Albeit with the ups and downs in my symptom levels since 2008, into the seventh year--I have managed to keep myself at large (knock on wood and, the mental God, there is no doubt that I bow in front for you).

Happy At Large Day!

(A note I dared not even entertain till I am sure that it's Feb. 15th already.  Chicken-shit la! lol)

Down with Meds -- A revelation of Ratology (Recovered): 歡喜就好

Ratology needs to be studied? 8-O

As I am plowing away in the dungeon of my own words in yet another kinda Selva Oscura due to the uncertainty about how to get the texts of DWM processed and wondering why on earth I have to get this done other than I have come so far, I found the following quote in the 1866 Documents of the Assembly of the State of New York or Annual Report of the American Institute of the City of New York

So they said in 1866, "Ratology needs to be studied"? 8-O lol

Though. .. please refer to the following for contextual information on why the legislature assembly of New York State would issue a document with a quote as such in 1866.

Ratprincess' psychotic model 2013 and Happy New Year!

I have been talking about this book I have been working on.  Unfortunately, not too many a person has seen the ghost of it, not to mention IT, while in my imaginary world, too many a person has reviewed it along the way since before the beginning of the model where there was only less than one page of texts.

In the beginning, there is the psychotic model.

The model is destined to be imperfect, an exact mirror image of the existence of me's, myselves and I's.  Imperfect as well is the language, which I had to use to get the model constructed, with the nature of the language yet to be defined.

I would have loved to give you a cleaner copy of the model and have it proofread for many more an iteration except I have a deadline: I promised my head to have Ratprincess' psychotic model 2013 out by the end of 2013.

Here it is... where Ratprincess' psychotic model 2013 resides, still undergoing renovation, the second section of "Ratprincess' 11-Copy Book" (only need to sell 11 copies of it to break my own record, the sales of my dissertation 8-O lol).

Let me reiterate it yet again... it's a drafty draft of some non-academic writing.  Would have loved to incorporate this happy rat in the watermark.  Unfortunately, yours truly has nothing artistic in her.  Would have to leave it to you to combine the image of this happy creature and the word "Draft" in your episodic buffer manually.

Happy New Year wherever you are!!!

An ode to Comma

After all these years of mindless use of the English language, one thing I came to realize this year is that, above and beyond everything else, I really don't no jack about comma and I think I might have contributed greatly to the plight of comma as depicted in the following illustration. 8-O lol 8-X

Poor comma, my bad.

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/21/the-most-comma-mistakes/?_r=0

Proofreaders needed for Down with Meds

My head finally authorizes me to move to the phase of getting the texts of "Down with Meds" proofread.

Knowing how popular and well-read my blogs like Ratology Reloaded are (oops... 8-X lol), I decided to post the link to my odesk job post here... in case anyone who religiously read this blog wants to take on a part-time job in proofreading my incurably Bad English. 8-X

The following is the job description and the link to the job post:
"I have a substantial amount of writing to be proofread. Since the writing is equivalent to qualitative data, there only thing I want from the proof reader is to have the grammatical and syntax errors corrected so as to retain the integrity of the data. The texts to be edited were part of the documentation of a psychotic patient. Please contact me if you are interested."

https://www.odesk.com/jobs/~~0cfe3db0541a1726

12/22/2013 Update: The positions are filled for this job.

A tale of Mental Illness--Elyn Saks

A great talk to share with you...



At some point into her talk when she was speaking of her struggles to get off meds, been there, done that, and today I only wish to be down with meds except the side effects have a bad habit of getting in the way.

Ratology lingo

(1/8/2014 Update: Please see http://neologyratology.blogspot.com/2014/01/ratology-lingo-update.html for the updated Ratology Lingo list)

My writing in the Ratology domain is mostly nothing too close to standard English.  I know it along the way but since I have been using language this way so long, many of the usages have become the standardized Ratology usage.  (Of course, some part of my strange English is simply due to either mindless mistakes or my not-knowing-English-too-well kind of error. 8-O lol)

After I went through the notes and edits of proofreaders who went through the model I developed on my psychosis, I got to better identify how Ratology lingo deviates from standard English. One thing I have to stress is that I have no way to tell whether these preferred usages are a manifestation of the pathology or not--could be and could be not. Following is a list of Ratology language usage (still a work in process) with some of the points actually already mentioned in the Neologism in Ratology blog.

1. Me’s, myselves, and Is.  Nothing grand and no mistakes... given my split-headed existence and as an attempt to acknowledge all the voices etc in me... there came... "mes, myselves, and Is."
2. I like to put words together to create a new word.
3. I like to build sentences this way: aberrant my brain structure or limited my words as opposed to my aberrant brain structure or my limited words
4. I like to build sentences this way: verb+not as in turn right not
5. I use emoticons to express feelings :-O :-X :-D lol
6. I like the sound of what it be like as opposed to what would it be like
7. I like to use da, them, la, etc as opposed to the standardized the
8. I like to use double negatives: should there be no nothing
9. I like the word: Donno
10. I like the word: Ain’t
11. I use the notion of “self” a lot because being psychotic is all about all things relating to me’s, myselves, and I’s.  Therefore, terminologies like self-related.
12. I like to use vernacular language
13. I use the term “the normal” to refer to “the non-psychotic”
14. Sometimes psychotic is used as a noun to represent a person with psychosis
15. In terms of comma, I really don’t know my commas too well.  However, sometimes that comma I put in does mean a pause partially because I do think slowly and there are pauses between my thoughts
16. The Apocalypses and the notion of being killed a million and a time I speak of refer to the scenarios at the height of my second full-blown psychotic episode.
17. Bend and snap: As per Elle in Legally Blond, "In my experience, it has a 98% success rate of getting a man's attention and when used appropriately -- it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation. It's called the 'bend and snap.'" As per yours truly, I might have to swap "a man's attention" to "my symptoms' attention" and "a dinner invitation" to "an increase in medications." 8-O lol
18. I use the word “la” at the end of the sentence at times. Since 2-3 years ago and after I went back to Taiwan, I picked up this usage of "la" because I simply like it la! Them "la's" you see in my writing, it's the pinyin of the Chinese character "啦":  a final particle of assertion.

(This writing is cross-posted in Neologism in Ratology.)

Frankl and I Broke My Neck But That Didn't Break Me

A clip I found with Viktor Frankl in it with a gentleman whose neck was broken but it didn't break him.  Think it's really... powerful...

Something to share with you... (unfortunately the site doesn't allow me to embed the clip here so please click on the link.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_lmMl4P7cQ

A historical first time experience: got a cell number

The last time I had the most traumatic experience in my life... I lost my beloved 212 phone number... still could feel that pain... (you know how hard it is to get a 212 number!) 8-O

Today is the sequel... I don't wanna do it but I have to do it... I had to get myself a cell number and lose that identity as one of the last surviving Luddite without a cell...

Anyways, however traumatic that identity loss might be, I, for the first time in my life, got a cell number of my own.

If you wonder, why don't I want to use a cell phone and carry it with me on the road?  Is it because I am a paranoid delusional fearing that people might track me etc?

Albeit the 99.9% principle, I am 100% sure that it's not the reason (for once in my life).

Let me put it this way, in my imaginary world, people monitor and record everything I say and do 24/7 even when I did not have a cellphone.  Using a cellphone absolutely would not add more to that 24/7 grade of monitoring and recording.  Ain't like... well... now they now can monitor and record everything 25/8? lol

Why do I refuse to have a cellphone?  Just don't like it and I don't like to talk on the phone anyways.  8-O lol  

Loose cannon in NYC

I really am insane.

So there is the feeling that my naive model of my psychosis is finally in shape and time to get back to NYC.

And, in NYC tonight while having no idea at all where that proof reader/editor of mine is still.

Insane in my own eyes... don't know what it be like in yours.

Good old writings

Getting old... forgetting what I memorized as an even springer chicken and finding myself skipping things left and right when trying to recite them good old poems... like the following...

What mastery with words!  Wow!

念奴嬌 赤壁懷古　　蘇軾

大江東去，浪淘盡，千古風流人物。
故壘西邊，人道是，三國周郎赤壁。
亂石崩雲，驚濤裂岸，捲起千堆雪；江山如畫，一時多少豪傑。
遙想公瑾當年，小喬初嫁了，雄姿英發，羽扇綸巾，談笑間，強虜灰飛煙滅。
故國神遊，多情應笑我，早生華髪。
人生如夢，一尊還酹江月。

宣州謝朓樓餞別校書叔雲 李白

棄我去者，昨日之日不可留；
亂我心者，今日之日多煩憂。
長風萬里送秋雁，對此可以酣高樓。
蓬萊文章建安骨，中間小謝又清發。
俱懷逸興壯思飛，欲上青天攬明月。
抽刀斷水水更流，舉杯銷愁愁更愁。
人生在世不稱意，明朝散發弄扁舟。

將進酒 李白

君不見黃河之水天上來，
奔流到海不復回？
君不見高堂明鏡悲白髮，
朝如青絲暮成雪？

人生得意須盡歡，
莫使金樽空對月。
天生我才必有用，
千金散盡還復來。
烹羊宰牛且為樂，
會須一飲三百杯。

岑夫子，丹丘生，
將進酒，杯莫停。
與君歌一曲，
請君為我傾耳聽：
鍾鼓饌玉不足貴，
但願長醉不願醒。
古來聖賢皆寂寞，
唯有飲者留其名。
陳王昔時宴平樂，
斗酒十千恣讙謔。
主人為何言少錢？
徑須沽取對君酌。

五花馬、千金裘。
呼兒將出換美酒，
與爾同銷萬古愁。

First time experience: Just Got Paid! 8-O

Since my blogs are so "well-read," I have given up on seeing the day to come when I get a check from google Adsense and use it more or less as an alternative means to cross-check the stats gathered through google stats.

(To show you an example of how well-read my blogs are... there were 31 hits on Ratology Reloaded yesterday and it includes visits from browsers who might have browsed through but didn't stop, or bots accessing my blog to entice me to go to some sites, etc... 8-O lol)

Then, somehow I checked the gmail account I hardly check today and found this strange email, which I automatically classified as a spam mail...

Since I just wrote something down a day or two ago about how it might take me another 1-2 decades to get enough hits to get a check from google Adsense, out of curiosity, I clicked on this email and found the following content...

I checked all parts of the email and tried to figure out how this might be a phishing email... though... all parts seemed quite legit.

So I logged in to my adsense account and found that it really said that an amount of 100 dollars something was transferred to my account.

How could a check that is to come in 1-2 decades have arrived like 3 days ago?  Can't be right?!

So I logged in to my bank account and... OMG... just got paid by Google Adsense for the first time!

Also for the first time in my life, I got paid for the dungeon I built for myself with limited my words... from Down with Meds to Ratology Reloaded... Wow... That is grand!  Ain't no nothing grander than that! A historic moment in Ratology! Something worth me to shed a tear or two albeit the fact that TNT is for drama...

P.S., Now what's going on in the head of your paranoid delusional with grandiosity is... Oh... Lord... now my eternal love and IRS is watching me closely... I can envision myself under investigation and state... "My name is Ratprincess Ratology and I take the Fifth." 8-O lol

First time experience: Started a fire!

Today is the Mid Autumn festival and we decided to do a BBQ at home on a night when da typhoon rabbit gave us a break so that I got to see the full moon hanging high in the skies..

We didn't start the fire but...



I proudly did... for the first time in my life!



BBQ meat, vegi and fish...

魚下巴

while the song I sang to the first fire I started was...



So it concludes the post on "Started a fire for the first time."

La recherche... Du Temps perdu

When cleaning up all them papers piling up, I couldn't find Nelson and Naren's article.  So I went on searching and searching till, haphazardly, I found on my desk journals I took when I went into the psychiatric ward for the first time... while I still didn't know (or believe) I was psychotic.

An especially interesting paragraph to come across drafted on June 17th, 2001... possibly the 9th day behind the gated doors.

"I only wish everything could just stop here. Just leave me alone. I wish the taping process, doesn't matter by whom, could come to an end. I want everything to stop. It, somehow, has turned to be a soap opera of some sort. It does not deserve... I don't deserve people's attention and energy. I am just a simple person and I am but an workaholic. That's all."

Same words still applicable for yours paranoid delusional with grandiosity to use today and many days before and after today.

Except today, so I also say to myself...

"Cut that drama part already... you want drama, go watch TNT.  How is it your business someone wiretapping you or not?  Ain't like you are endowed in the wealth, fame, or power kinda department.  Get the shxt done so that one day you can bring a penny or two in and I can spare a bit of money to do work in an AC condition.  Shut the front door, get done with your work, and go make the body feel more comfortable!" (Developmental outcome? 8-O lol sigh)

Taiwanese singer... 陳雷

Someone came to visit this post... Down with Meds -- A revelation of Ratology (Recovered): 歡喜就好

5-6 years after the rise of Ratology Reloaded, his songs remain... 讚啦！

Without interuptions, let me present to you the Taiwanese songs by the singer...  陳雷.

1 and 1/2 of 25 mg +-

The night I made the post on dosage adjustment... I realized that I actually took 1 and 1/4 of 25 mg Seroquel by mistake since there was still 3/4 of the 25 mg pill left in the pill cutter.  Since going down from 50 mg (2 25 mg pills) is almost like going down by 50 percent, ain't no way of doing dosage adjustment.  Why didn't I suffer more from the dosage adjustment and the withdrawal?  Guess, having been exceptionally overdosed for all these months, still quite a bit of residuals of Seroquel in the body.

That night, I took the 1 and 3/4 of the 25 mg pills to be on the safe side.  Forget about the fish on the cutting board when trying to fall asleep, I spent the next day feeling the entire body all tight... uncomfortable.

It was then did I decide... what about 1 and 1/2 instead?  Taking the middle value?  From then on to date, still dosage adjustment though at the amount of 1 and 1/2 of 25 mg +-... still the "unmentioned."

This is why... crying out loud... "Where is my cure?"  A cure that free me of the symptoms, the side effects of the medication, and the never-ending dosage adjustment!



Ratology Reloaded: 1 and 3/4 of 25 mg +-: So, after a prolonged wait (months), in the face of the ever intensifying fish on the cutting board and the fear for esophageal spasm , dos...

Where is my cure?

10 years ago, it was estimated that a cure can be found for Schizophrenia as Possible in 10 Years.  Alright... it's 2013... if schizophrenia can be cured, they gotta be able to cure me of my mental department!

We are here; we are waiting!

(Please view the clip from 57 second if it doesn't start from 57 second into the clip as I had it set up.)

From my first skype interview to the legal thing...

Had my first Skype interview just now... when discussing the potential of doing translation work, I told the interviewer that there are things beyond my bandwidth... no quantum mechanics and no nothing in legal, for instance.

After the interview, so I pondered to myself, no quantum mechanics... I can fully comprehend... but that thing I feel about legal documents... is it grounded in anything?

So I decided to look up a case online... such as RICARDO MARRERO, PETITIONER v. UNITED STATES... and...

The thing I feel about legal documents... there surely is a reason for it.  In no way will I be able to tasks alike.  Case closed.

1 and 3/4 of 25 mg +-

So, after a prolonged wait (months), in the face of the ever intensifying fish on the cutting board and the fear for esophageal spasm, dosage change again... decreasing from 50 mg to 1 and 3/4 of 25 mg +- (since there is no way to cut a 25 mg pill in equal quars).

The adjustment... live it like how I have to live it before... just the reloading of the same old scenario... unmentioned cuz no need to mention no more. 8-X lol sigh



Ratology Reloaded: My biggest struggle--again: I really don't wanna have no nothing to do with this struggle again... why... all these months... just let it be 2 whole pills... as lo...