Detach mode

What a beautiful day outside!

Earlier on, I went out for a walk with my mama to do my daily exercise-- walking and climbing up and down the hills.

Then, I told my mama... "let's sit under the sun to get some sun tanning."

So I sat there and hang...

I came home after grocery shopping with mama.

We had lunch and, after lunch, I explained to her why I go sit under the sun.

I told her I am now reducing the dosage of Depako, which is causing my head to be sort of not quite know the condition. 8-O

I told her the drug is making me feel really hungry all the times. Based on my naive theory, I think the increased appetite is related to the lowered metabolism rate. Maybe food is being metabolise so slowly that the brain is getting the message that I am not eating enough and send to me the message that I am really hungry by mistake (regardless whether it is right or wrong since I don't really care).

The battle zone in my head, also makes it more difficult for me to handle stress since stressful is the adjective for the default mode inside of my head now.

After lunch she wanted to take a nap, I told her I wanted to go under the sun again and I went-- to let sunshine help my bones grow, my aches and pains fade, and, the poor neurochemicals to find a equilibrium state.

At some points, I opened my eyes and looked all around....

I felt well rested from resting under the sun.

I also felt detached from the world around, which, despite of the occasionally positive symptoms, shows me I am still too drugged out-- which means-- the dosage could still go down more to cut down the side effects even more without imposing too much more of delusions and hallucinations.

If the light (sunlight) therapy these two days works, maybe I could decrease another 250 mg of Depako a day earlier (tonight) instead of tomorrow night? (just don't tell my shrink until I tell him... lol)

So that.. sooner, I will be able to feel the alive-ness experienced by people.

I want to live-- yet, such is not what I mean by living--- in detach mode.

moments

Today marks the second day when I take 200 mg of Seroquel and 1250 mg of Depako.

With Depako going down, I could sense the increase level of anxiety and its earlier arrival in the day. At the same time, I am still coping with that craving for food although meat product or not is no longer essential. The body is still shaking and sometimes it shakes worse than other times. In addition, hallucinations seem to occur more frequent yet only sort of annoying later in the day...

Today, for instance, the anxiety level reach its higher point at around 5-8...

Used to be, I could use exercise to compensate it, except for now, the speed at which I pace does not really allow "exercising" to take as much edge as I would like it to.

Mama doesn't like me to eat too much cuz she thinks I am gaining too much weight... oops...

Neither does she want me to smoke too much and so I agree.. except for it does calm me down.

So I thought of meditation---

Psychotic as I am, I actually would absolutely refrain myself from doing the meditation thing nowadays for fear that my head gonna be flying to another planet. lol 8-X

The closest alternative I found was to post some more stamps for sale for my ebay store.

Although, at the beginning of the time, I started my ebay experiences from digging a hole, later on, as time progress, under unemployment, putting things on ebay for sale was one thing I could cling on to feel a sense of "getting something done out of nothing."

So, tonight, like many other days and nights, when I try to limit the amount of cognitive processing in my head, I turn to making listings for my ebay store.

The process is simple and allows me to force myself concentrate on the simple tasks.

1. Take digital pictures
2. Download pictures
3. Upload pictures
4. Using a third party company called auctiva to create my listing
5. Schedule the listing for the future

In between, I moved around my room looking for other stuffs and going back to perform the same iteration of the menial process.

Then, two hours later, I really had to get up to see what I could do with the craving...

I smoked another cigarette and thought to myself...

When will the time come when I could finally take my drug?

When will the time arrive when I could, like before, use my brain, live with the symptoms, and, stop coping with the minor inconveniences related to the change of the drug?

Before those days come, I might just have to sell more things at a loss to gain my moments of concentration and "global trading" experiences through my ratology ebay store (shall I have amounted to nothing the last 10 months, at least I opened a store I guess...)... lol sigh

Ode to Magical thinking

Magical thinking is one of the indicators for patients with mental illness in that the patients often think themselves or other people could have paranormal powers.

I had mentioned this earlier...

When thinking back, yet, not looking back again today, I thought to myself-- based on my estimation, the worsening of my mental status might have already started to occur all the way back to end of the Summer or early in fall.

What took it so long for the acute psychotic episode to finally unveil way into January?

What could have carried me for so much longer?

I, then, opted to the potential existence of paranormal abilities...

Perhaps, there are people with some abilities ordinarily not appreciated by existing science and, at certain point, they have to let go of that desire to keep my conditions from spiraling down because it is my time and it is just too much for them to handle.

Or, perhaps, it is purely the collective good wills that have been unwittingly transformed into the healing power that had supported me along the road.

I don't really care whether such an irrational rational is true or not.

It is like the beliefs that lead gamblers and athletes to do whatever they do before game play, such a thinking has some soothing power--

You might call it religious yet I don't go to church--

you might call it spiritual but I am now more afraid of calling God bad names than feeling connected with him.

One thing I know is that, shall paranormal abilities be part of this chapter, thank you for helping me carrying on along this trip and showing me the lessons.

Please keep on doing what you have been doing since I am now tired of carrying on the load myself... In addition, shall you keep on practicing, your influence might become one day--- global! 8-O Wow...

Shall such thing exist not, well, the last time I check I am still on really high dosage meds for antipsychotic kinda meds and it never hurt to show appreciation anyway. lol

Such a posting could, I guess, be a manifestation of my fear, again, about-- where could one turn to shall modern meds fail?

10 months and 2 days

My mom reminded me two days ago that... it has been 10 months since the accident.

The funny thing is that... after some time, you stop counting the days and, in stead, you start to count the steps you could take to move forward.

Soon, it will be a whole year while I am still, in the winter's cold, struggling to move 10-12 steps before coming to a rest and in warmer whether, could push to over 20 something steps right after a rest.

What is taking so long is no longer a meaningful question to ask...

The questions, rather, are

How could I have, through out all these times, one step at a time, moving along?

How am I going to, moving through these times, and move on forward?

How we love someone

I often think love is a very strange thing... it is almost like that thing they taught me in school-- multiple manifestations of the same principle.

After my sister went back to Santa Fe, NM, now Ratology is a policed state governed by my mom... lol

Both my sister and my mom want things to be done their way, which imposes extra amount of stress since so do I want things done my kinda way and I have to work on complying with their wishes.

They both had come into town because they want to take care of me. At the same time, I could not shake this sense of guilt that their love for me has interrupted their lifestyle.

Then, it led me to think about my own modus operandi.

Like all other people, I live my life with my issues and minor inconveniences granted by life itself.

Just when I was thinking about that ex-fiance of mine whom ran away with God-knows-whom, I thought of that time when we started to go into this phase of "falling in love."

I had felt that it was my responsibility to inform him of my propensity for mental health condition and I felt it would be really unfair for him to go through with it along with me every time I have to cope with the up and down.

Then, when I was stealing a smoke, this thought occurs to me again...

Perhaps, sometimes, when we love someone, we need to let them go where they want to go, which involves the letting go of our own belief, and let them be who they want to be.

Perhaps I am wrong and perhaps I am right.

It could have something to do with all minor inconviniences I have to go through in my life.

Or, it could also have something to do with the worldview I have developed before my conditions unfold.

Then, I thought of my mom who is diligently cutting meat in the kitchen and who had been working really hard on tidy up on room.

I kept on telling her to take a rest but she kept on moving on not listening to me.

And, then... it occurs to me again...

Perhaps, sometimes, when we love someone, we need to let them go where they want to go and let them be who they want to be.

There is no point of stopping them simply because of what we believe in...

So, I left my mom along doing what she wants to do for me because I love her and she loves me while we all express our love differently.

Beyond Feeling: Chronic Pain Hurts the Brain, Disrupting the Default-Mode Network Dynamics

It was beyond excitment to me the other day when I cam across an article titled "Beyond Feeling: Chronic Pain Hurts the Brain, Disrupting the Default-Mode Network Dynamics" published in the Journal of Neuroscience in February, 2008.

This article pointed out the neurological, if not anatomical, similarities between the consequences of experience chronic pain and psychiatric illness such as depression, anxiety disorder, and, schizophrenia (psychotic kinda disorder). The findings also go along with results I summarized in previous postings (e.g., chicken and egg) in that there is a high comorbidity between chronic pain and psychiatric disorders.

Essentially, this study was rested on the assumption of Default Mode Network (DMN)- a natural phenomenon occurring in your brain to balance out the amount of activities you head has to carry on. For ordinary people, when performing certain tasks, certain region of the brain will become more active, and, as a result, other regions will become quieter or at rest-- or in the default mode. However, for patients with illness such as depression, anxiety disorder, and, schizophrenia, it has been established that the DMN is interrupted. Following this trend of thought, the authors would like to see whether the DMN disruption also exists in chronic pain patients.

The experiment involved 15 healthy participants and 15 patients suffering from chronic pain. These participants were requested to perform simple visual attention tasks.

The functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) was used to assess the potential differences in the brain resting activities between the normals and the chronic pain patients due to the assumption that chronic pain perception could "leave a mark beyond cortical circuits involved in perception."

And, essentially, what this study suggest is that "the brain of a chronic pain patient is not simply a healthy brain processing pain information;" like that for patients with depression, anxiety disorder, attention deficit disorder, and schizophrenia, it is one that has been altered by persistent pains through a prolong period of time.

The question Ratprincess would ask is... Would it be possible to reset my brain back to the disruptive state of DMN reflecting only my propensity for depression and psychosis and how could it be done following the neuroplasticity assumption? In addition, being well-endowed with multiple labeling, is the impact of pain additive or synergistic to the originally destructive state?

And, of course, one thing I could not stop wondering is... what is the chance of the chronic pain complicated my preexisting mental health condition and by how much?

For more information, please check the following website: http://www.chialvo.net/

P.S. me no expert in this field and have only limited cognitive capacity to spare. Please correct me shall I make mistakes in my summary of the article or please go read it yourself....

Gas and drug

Today I went to see my psychiatrist, among the topics we discussed about is the issue of the side effect of the medications.

I might be wrong but I think Risperdal is somehow still in my system or my system continue to go through withdrawal.

The shakes are not so bad but I still got the really Canadian Shake and Bake-- or what one might want to label as tardive dyskinesia.

The craving for food, especially for MEAT, has gone done but I could still sense it faintly.

With Seroquel taking over, now my world is less sharp, alert, and, powerpointed... rather, I am back to the state of being sort of fuzzy in the head yet regaining the ability to see alternatives through my peripheral visions.

Two more side effects I mentioned to my psychiatrist were the problems of constipation and passing gas.

Interesting enough, through out the literature, it has been documented substantially that these drugs often lead to irregular kinda bowl movement.

I haven't been able to find any source that indicates "helplessly passing extremely stinky gas" as a side effect. Since there were times when I was at no fault and I smelled similar kinda stinky smell, I have come up with a naive theory that Risperdal might have something to do with it (Ratology, 2008) and patients passing these kinda gas might be experiencing the side effect of Risperdal (My Shrink, 2008). Of course, it might also have something to do with the eating of similar meal as well in the hospital... lol

In any case, now that the price of gas is out of my mind with constipation and the sense of overdosed on drug keeping me occupied, from tonight on, I will be taking 200 mg Seroquel and 1250 mg Depako (instead of 1500 mg) to gradually relief the weight I am imposing on my liver...

Ratopia

The day my sister came to visit me, she started developing a cold that does nothing but making her cough.

She doesn't feel tired. She doesn't sneeze. She doesn't have a headache or any other symptom of a cold.

She just coughs.

One day, she went to China Town and was about to get some herbal meds for me.

All of a sudden, she started her violent cough, which got herself really frustrated and made the others stepped back a few yards.

When she got home, she told me about this story.

It reminded me of what she mentioned to me the day before... something like...

"You are like any other ordinary people except for your room is a chaos."

I replied... "I have been like this for as long as I could remember.... before or after any diagnosis was every applied to me." 8-O

So, after, she mentioned that personal story of hers, I responded, "Sounds like me" except for people who know me, they should know me by now, and, for people who me not know, how would they know?

It was this afternoon when I was crossing the street and when the spasm made me stop for a rest....

It occurs to me... for people who me know half way, this could be perceived as catatonia while, for me, the only thing I know is that I was a happy psychotic, although sometimes sings my moody blues, living an active live style-- 24/7 on the wheel.

And, I have an image in my mind... lol

drooling

By drooling, I am refering to the activity within which the saliva, the secretions of the salivary glands, falls out of your mouth.

A few days after I stopped taking Risperdal, the problem I have now is more of that of dry mouth than the drooling activity that makes me look extremely unladylike-- when it just come out of my mouth-- oops-- when I was not paying much of my cognitive capacity to monitor its activity.

Don't know whether I have told you this or not, the day I was discharged from the psychiatric ward, I went to get myself some Wanton soup in a Chinese restaurant. I thought I was quite alert...

Yet, when the soup was on the table, as I was staring right into that soup I had been dreaming of, in split second, I found the saliva came out of my mouth unwittingly like Pavlov's dog.

That was the point when I understood why some patients might drool.

It was from then on did I realize that, to cope with the psychiatric condition and its consequences, I also have to spare my already limited cognitive capacity to making sure I do not drool. 8-O lol Sigh

It was much later, after I tried to cope and cope with my own saliva, did I finally have the insight that...

No wonder dentists put the suction thing underneath the tong because that is where the saliva secreted from... 8-O

Something I would rather to have no deep understanding again. 8-O lol

Secondary injury

I went online and did some search about whether my acute psychotic episode could be accounted as a secondary injury of my accident.

All these years having symptoms controlled, after the accident, I went into depression and my positive symptoms went up the wall...

Someone from HR asked me whether the 2 weeks of my out sick was related to the accident.

I responded in email that I think so yet I have to double check with the lawyer.

I asked this question to my lawyer and he responded, "Were you actively seeking treatment?"

Apparently, the answer of yes would make it harder to establish a psychiatric secondary injury case even though the partial contribution to exacerbated condition is the key point.

I thought to myself... people practicing law knows the laws-- especially when, after googling, I couldn't really find similar cases unlike the state of Connecticut etc.

I, later, recalled all the things I have gone through so far in reality and in my imaginary world.

啞吧吃黃蓮, 有苦說不出

How many times have I experienced the above phenomena?

It doesn't really matter after all....

Everyone could do the best they could do to get this case resolved. Such I believe because I am an idiot and 天公疼愚人... lol

For me, there is only one focus and one goal... learn the lessons I could learn and forgo the counterproductive thoughts.

In addition, I paid to take a class... can't be wasting the tuition I paid for and I shall use the time productive rather than on useless thoughts (especially I believe I have done my share of it lol)

P.S. The synopsis I posted earlier today are for the class I registered for-- 1 stone 2 birds-- my learning and yours

Going out

I was thinking about meat still yesterday-- a whole lot even though that was the second day after I stopped taking Risperdal and switch solely back to Seroquel.

When my psychiatrist checked in with me, I complained something like...

"I can't stop wanting to eat meat. I want meat and I want to eat all the time."

So my sister and I went for a brunch in a Chinese restaurant and we ordered meat dishes.

In the evening, we ate at home but we cooked even more meat.

That was my architect sister's intuitive flooding intervention.

She said, "Let's make you eat so much meat that you would see meat and get sick." lol

I was still thinking about meat today earlier on and that meaty thought and food craving finally seem to to fade away.

Just when I was getting back to this laptop, it occurs to me...

Risperdal is finally and gradually getting out of my system and, perhaps, it really is Risperdal that was causing my meat craving. I won't say, though, that Depako has no contribution at all...

Regardless what they say about how drugs and meds do not deposit in your system, they do and it takes time for them to dissolve...

Mental disorders among persons with chronic back or neck pain: results from the World Mental Health Surveys

Demyttenaere, K., Bruffaerts, R., Lee, S., Posada-Villa, J., Kovess, V., Angermeyer, M., et al. (2007). Mental disorders among persons with chronic back or neck pain: results from the World Mental Health Surveys. Pain, 129(3), 332-342.

“Mental disorders among persons with chronic back or neck pain: results from the World Mental Health Surveys” documented the results of a cross-national and sectional study collaborated by researchers from 17 countries (Demyttenaere et al., 2007).

In this study, chronic pain is defined as pain lasting for over 12 months and mental health status is assessed using the 3rd version of the Composite International Diagnostic Interview (CIDI) 3.0. The mental health disorders considered in this study include mood disorder (major depression and dysthymia), anxiety disorder (generalized anxiety disorder [GAD], panic disorder and/or agoraphobia, posttraumatic stress disorder [PTSD], and social phobia) as well as substance abuse/dependency. These disorders are assessed based on the definitions and criteria of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV).

For me, the most interesting part of the results is in the suggestion that… when looking at the association between mental disorders and back/neck pain, we need to be looking at the whole spectrum of the disorder but not only focusing on major depression. At the same time, this study, interesting enough, did not include psychotic disorders as part of its investigation.

Mental disorders in people with chronic pain: An international perspective

Nicholas, M. K. (2007). "Mental disorders in people with chronic pain: An international perspective " Pain 129(3): 231-232.

In an editorial writing for the “Pain” journal, the author provided a good summary about the zeitgeist on how the interplay between pain and mental disorders are laid out (Nicholas 2007).

Essentially, there are three kinds of views—mental disorder as the antecedent of chronic pain, mental disorder as the consequence of chronic pain, and, my favorite view, the chronic pain and mental disorder are maintained through the interplay of their comorbidity (Bair, et al., 2003).

Again, I am born too late-- didn't I cook up my armchair view about the interplay in my blog except for the accident came years late… lol sigh

Psychiatric illness and chronic pain-- chicken and egg

Polatin, P., R. Kinney, et al. (1993). "Psychiatric illness and chronic low-back pain. The mind and the spine--which goes first?" Spine 18(1): 66-71.

As an attempt to understand the relationship between my physical and psychological health, I decided to start looking for literatures on this subject.

The paper I read is titled “Psychiatric illness and chronic low-back pain—Which Goes First” (Polatin, Kinney et al. 1993) stated that people suffering from chronic low-back pain (meaning the pain last for over 6 months) often also have the propensity to have psychiatric co-morbidity such as major depression, anxiety disorder, psychosomatization, and, substance abuse. The assessment was done using the two-part Structural Clinical Interview for DSM-III-R with diagnosis using the DSM-III-R expression.

The most interesting finding I got from this paper was that, among the 200 subjects, 97 percent of the patients have the diagnosis of psychosomatization. What this tells me is that… as long as you experience chronic pain, the psychosomatization diagnosis is readily to be applied to you regardless whether the interview is conducted or not and such label doesn’t really give us much information to work with. And, there might be a problem of over-diagnosis associated with this phenomenon.

Since I did go into major depression and become even more psychotic than I normally am for a while after the injury, let’s take a look at the prevalence of major depression for these patients.

The premorbid depression was observed in 35% of the sample without a gender difference. However, the comorbid prevalence of major depression is 45% of the sample with female patients more prone to develop major depression. In addition, 29% of the patients develop depression after the injury.

What about people with psychotic disorders?

3 percent of the sample report to be psychotic and remained to be psychotic. Since the paper did not address the issue of the qualitative change in the experienced symptoms, I can’t really tell you much about the impact of chronic pain on other psychotic patients.

Reading the last sentence in this paper,

"Psychiatric distress may or may not be reactive to the low-back pain but will certainly contribute to a prolonged disability if left untreated."

Reading the last sentence in this paper, I sighed...

Would there be one day when someone would add this other phrase to the conclusion:

"Chronic pain and temporary disability may or may not be reactive to the psychiatric conditions but will certainly contribute to a prolonged disability if left untreated." 8-O lol

What they say about me

I might have mentioned it previously but I just thought it might not hurt for me to reemphasize this thought... inspired by a comment made by my eldest sister whom someone thought was my daughter today... 8-O >-O lol 8-X


Her comment was.. it is not necessary to do what people do... insinuating I have the tendency to do things just because that is what other people do. That might be right or wrong but I don't really care whether it is right or wrong.


What her comment reminded me of was the question I kept on asking myself for the longest time... and along the line of her comment... why can't I stop caring about the contents of my auditory halucinations and delusions, which are often manifested as other people's opinions about me.


Then, in one of the previous posting, I come to question this line of thinking following the psychoanalytical doctrine I know of...


Perhaps, the contents of my hallucinations and delusions are the what you might call "the demon from within" because, having lived so far, many of us would have figured out the patterns of how people react to scenarios or how people think. Eventually, we might internalize these understandings and learn to run simulations in our own head.


In a sense, although "what do they say about me" might be a comment regarding one's insecurity about being oneself and one's desire to confirm, I think, at a deeper level, it shows us the struggles we have about being our own selves.

Gone crazy and love

I finally got the insight why, in the college, I went along with many of my friends to audit the class in 詮譯學 or Hermeneutics-- and the reading of Marcel Proust, the unter weg zur sprache by Heidegger, and, a lover's discourse by Roland Barthes.

I guess it might have something to do with my attempt to convey to you the process of "going crazy" through the means of narratology all these years.

Regardless how I little I have accomplished, what I am trying to do is to use text and multimedia to present to you some phenomena otherwise unexplainable.

Then, I thought of a lover's discourse by Roland Barthes and the similarity of the process of falling in love and building up a delusional system in one's imaginary world.

We all have these experiences...

Why doesn't he call and why didn't he respond to the call?
Why doesn't he email me and why didn't he respond to the email?
Am I interpreting what he said right?
Is he just playing with me or does he genuinely care?
What and why does he care?

These are all questions in our head and it is through these questions do we start creating scenarios to torture ourselves and build up our obsessive compulsive thinking about the one we think we love.

After all the scenarios built up, possibly, like one of the stories in the invisible city, nothing has happened, except for, we have virtually lived through the remaining of our life span with that person--- dated, kissed, had sex, broken up, or, married, possibly had children, divorced, or, kept each other company till either one died and the survivor lived through live without the other one again.



All is done while nothing ever happened because all are but the scenarios tested in the imaginary world.

At some point, even if there is really a man you invest your attention on, with the scenarios in your head, what you have done is but kept on building an image of a person you thought the other person should be like in your own mind. The one you are in love with or you love might no longer be that person.

Similar is the development of a delusional system.

You hear auditory hallucinations or you are exposed to actual stimuli. What could you do to explain these things...

So, you select a scenario in your head to explain what you have heard.

You hear the siren from the street down below. The loved one is injured or dead because the computer exploded 8-O or because he was hit by an accident.

"The suicidal." and "Fire." You heard.

The man you though you love is suicidal and died because his house somehow got caught on fire.

On the street, you hear people talking about "Saturday."

You interpret it as the man you thought you care for is to do something for you on Saturday because the laws and regulations will be lifted.

To break down the process and visually represent how delusions are form... think of the building of a powerpoint slide show... you have text written down-- you looked into a bank of images and videos to help you interpret the preexisting text.

Nothing ever happens but everything happens constantly in your own mind.

And, at some point, you start wondering, am I myself the suicidal in my own imaginary world and are those the fear I have for myself... following the psychoanalytical doctrine.

While at the same time, all the thoughts surrounding that person you care for lead the falling in love part of you kept on falling in love. lol

One day I might further edit this posting...

Today, just the sharing of the unfolding of delusional thinking or going crazy through the lens of love. lol

Love

I think we all love and care for people in our own ways... the best way we could estimate.

My sister came to visit on Tuesday.

We don't really talk much about anything... maybe I shared something I mentioned in the blog to her and maybe she told me a bit about how exhausting the bus trip was to and back from China town.

We talked about my symptoms and the experiences of switch drugs like talking about the change of the weather.

We ate.

We had some snacks.

I sat in front of the computer while she wanted to get my room arranged in a better way (she is an architect).

She nagged about wanting my to posting some ebay listings to sell some gem stones for the shop she works at while I was trying to take care of my bills and the unintended financial damages of the acute and more intensive psychotic episode.

We didn't have to hug and kiss each other (guess the Asian kinda thing).

But, we know how much we love each other and how we don't have to impose our being into each other's existence because we already are there.

There is no need to doubt and to feel insecure about how much we meant for each other, and to have the sole ownership of each other.

I think that is the optimal kinda love.

Knees

I knew I had pains going down my feet but, when I am asked, did they come through your back or your knees, I couldn't really tell.

It was not until Thursday when I went to see my physical therapist for initial evaluation and afterwards did I learn to identify which kinds of shooting pains are generated by the back and which by the knees.

Something else I don't really need to learn.

Meat

I still have the image of meat or steak in my head despite of the fact that the dosage of risperdal has gone down to 2 mg and Seroquel gone up to 150mg.

This makes me think.... would it be actually Depako that is making me think of steak and meat? Would I have been barking at the wrong tree? 8-O lol

Tonight the dosage of Risperdal would go down to 0 mg and Seroquel up to 200 mg.

In around 2 days, we would be able to tell which drug is at fault for my meaty thinking... lol

Idiot

Although nowadays my useless head could leisurely enjoy the feeling of being symptoms free, I still could not help but to form ideologies aligning with the conventional psychosomatic kinda line of thinking when interpreting my conversations with the others.

At times, I am not even so sure whether it is really the sole contribution of the delusional propensity or simple as the implication of schema theory and its extension such as the mental model theory or the information processing theory.

On so high a dosage for the meds I am on... all influencing the behavior of neurotransmitters, the engine of my head are yet to start up.

At the same time, despite the high dosages, which theoretically should help to get rid of the pains and their ensuring spams, I am still in chronic pain in neck, back and knees.

However, almost 9 months after the accident, I guess now I have finally learned to live with pains up to a certain degree.

However, the ghost of the past just would not crossover....

When people simply asking me how I am doing with my back, I find myself to have the propensity to add the rational behind my improving prognosis.

"It is much better. The warmer whether helps."

I don't know whether the warmer whether really help physically or it is the placebo effect.

The only thing I know is-- the warmth on my back feels soothing and the muscles all around my body do not have to get all tightened up to generate heat to keep me warm.

So, in my imaginary world, sometimes, when people are in their own world, when people ask about how I am doing, when I could not help but wonder whether they again swing towards the psychosomatic trend of thinking, I think to myself....

What an idiot... why can't I let go of the ghost of the past, let it crossover, and, let the though of psychosomatization and its associations dissolve like delusional systems--- like a droplet into the sea.... since the thoughts seem to be really useless to me...