Idiot

Although nowadays my useless head could leisurely enjoy the feeling of being symptoms free, I still could not help but to form ideologies aligning with the conventional psychosomatic kinda line of thinking when interpreting my conversations with the others.

At times, I am not even so sure whether it is really the sole contribution of the delusional propensity or simple as the implication of schema theory and its extension such as the mental model theory or the information processing theory.

On so high a dosage for the meds I am on... all influencing the behavior of neurotransmitters, the engine of my head are yet to start up.

At the same time, despite the high dosages, which theoretically should help to get rid of the pains and their ensuring spams, I am still in chronic pain in neck, back and knees.

However, almost 9 months after the accident, I guess now I have finally learned to live with pains up to a certain degree.

However, the ghost of the past just would not crossover....

When people simply asking me how I am doing with my back, I find myself to have the propensity to add the rational behind my improving prognosis.

"It is much better. The warmer whether helps."

I don't know whether the warmer whether really help physically or it is the placebo effect.

The only thing I know is-- the warmth on my back feels soothing and the muscles all around my body do not have to get all tightened up to generate heat to keep me warm.

So, in my imaginary world, sometimes, when people are in their own world, when people ask about how I am doing, when I could not help but wonder whether they again swing towards the psychosomatic trend of thinking, I think to myself....

What an idiot... why can't I let go of the ghost of the past, let it crossover, and, let the though of psychosomatization and its associations dissolve like delusional systems--- like a droplet into the sea.... since the thoughts seem to be really useless to me...