Wish for Zeros

I guess that, the closer it gets to the new year, the more antsy and blue I get...

So, I spent the majority of time today trying to work on this dataset about disability and functionality... A project I started working on after I returned to New York in August and got put off by my brain as a result of the deterioration in that mental state of mine.

So, I spent the remaining amount of this year that is soon to past trying to get my head and body together... one day at a time... or... one night at a time, more appropriately...

Then, three days ago, I woke up with my mind setting on nothing more than this set of data I found online...

This dataset would not have captured my attention shall I had not fallen victim to the weak G.... an incident that took a huge chunk of the prime time in my life away, which, up to this day, leaves me wonder whether there have been people whose only response was how bad it might have looked as I fell freely to the ground after the chair collapsed in front of the whole crowd.... be it a delusional thought or not...

Unfortunately, such sentiment of losing face has not been and has never been my concern... for, I had my own big fish to fry... pain and diminished functionality was more or less the issue I have to deal with.

In any case, I woke up in the morning... into another day closer to the beginning of the new year... into another day to be wasted away...

And, I woke up to go back to finish analyzing this gigantic dataset... about the once foreign concept of functionality and disability....

So, people were asked whether they had problems in... eating, getting in/out of bed, getting around inside, dressing, bathing, getting to the bathroom or using toilet, doing heavy house work, doing light house work, doing laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, getting about outside, traveling, managing money, taking medicine, and, telephoning...

With 16 indicators they had functionality and disability defined... with 1 representing disabled and 0 representing healthy...

Then, the longer I stared into the dataset or the analyses I conducted, the more the forgotten past started to flash by....

And, I realize... no longer do I need to create a third space on such simple indicators deeply to empathize... for that space is inside...

I did not really have it easy... though I know I did not get it all that bad....

At least, one thing I know is that... my condition has been on its track towards recovery... except for when the temperature drops below the 30s... my conversion-disorder grade of slow and stop would still find its way back to me... (which makes me wonder... why isn't that a good man rather... 8-O lol)

Then...

I thought of people responded with 1 to all of the 16 items... and all that I could think of is that... it must be tough and I wish them all the best...

I also thought of people with 0 as their default response... and I wish them keep it that way...

For those responded to the 16 items with different combinations of 0s and 1s... like me and many people I have conversed with, and, when recalling our conditions at different points in time, good luck, kept your spirits up and wish you the best in finding the best way to deal with and better your conditions....

So...

I recall what I have been hearing all this time...

"Take it outside of yourself..."

So... to myself I thought... let it be my new year's wish... for us with them 1s turning them 1s back to 0s...