God, Buddha or else?

The question of religion comes up once in a while like the waves hitting the shore….

It was back a few years ago when my mom became Christian while my dad remains to be whatever we have been throughout the time I could remember… some call it folk religion—a combination of Buddhism, Daoism, and many other different –isms.

What is my religious belief?—A question so many times I have been asked.

Anything, I guess--- So I responded so many a time— including science-ism, I figure…

So I saw my doctor again today, during our meeting, the topic of Religion emerged.

As I have commented before, according to the doctor himself, he is an atheist.

That leads me back to wonder about the degree of my religious belief… and what my beliefs are…

All these thoughts about 空 seems to go along that Buddhist line kind of thinking, not to mention all the conversations I have engaged in with Buddha and the disciples of Buddhism through my hallucinations, delusions etc.

Yet, don't I also communicate with God and actually used to pray for God to help me and guide me through all these times. My prayer often ended with comments (auditory hallucinations) such as “You are helped” or “You are guided each every step”(and no wonder they kept on guiding me into the nut house... lol)… Wouldn't that make me something like a Christian or Catholic?

It, then, occurred to me that… the night before I went into the cuckoo's nest for the second time, the time when I thought I was living through the apocalypse, where there was warfare, accidents, death, hatred and natural disasters, like, tsunamis, volcano explosions, earthquakes, flooding, and fires, everywhere… It was also a time of death for all forces sustaining order of nature—including Gods, spirits, ghosts, etc from all religions… and death itself I spoke with them all… from their moments of their ends to the point of their evaporation. Throughout these times of terror, there were 2 things I was told on how orders of nature could be restored--- “想好事,做好人” or “think good thoughts and be a good person (do good deeds)”-- in my delusions and hallucinations.

Since the contents of my delusions and hallucinations are the “involuntary” representation of my thoughts or unconsciousness, and, could not be altered voluntarily by me consciously, I highly suspect that such representations of that big huge delusional system that led to my institutionalization might be an actual presentation of a religious belief that--- I believe more than in God, Buddha, Tao-ist, Islamic, and Greek God…. I believe in them all. Although, I suspect that the real religious people will not really consider me as religious.

Or, could it be that, despite my frequent conversation with them all… I really have no religion?

Or, could it be that… for me, all that religion is about is--- “想好事,做好人” or “think good thoughts and be a good person (do good deeds)”?

In any case, regardless whether I am religious or not, I guess, at least... religious ideas do give me some thing or a lot of things to be hallucinating and delusional about..... adding some more colors to my boring life...

In any case, at least now I know, when comparing the second time I went into the Nuts House and the third time, in February this year--- both times involved the concept of death and harm done to my loved ones--- this round seems to be one of Mickey Mouse scale because it did not involve global disasters and suffering throughout the different levels of the worlds...

In addition, I just realized that, eventhough I do not have a green card, even my hallucinations and delusions are fairly global.... (ok.. a Taiwanese joke... lol)