Swing

I have been talking about that swinging thing I do day and night these past three weeks or so…

So I swing when I watch TV, I swing lying in bed waiting to fall asleep, I swing standing on the balcony overlooking the busiest streets of the East side in Taipei, and, I swing any other time in between whether I consciously pay my attention doing it.

When swinging, my mind bears no thoughts… not because no thought occurs in my airhead but because they come and go like ships passing in the sea… without a trace… how you might want to put it.

There was a time when I swing into a poetic moment--- ancient Chinese poem came out on its own from my mouth while my hands, legs, and other parts of my body moving towards their own preferred directions.

Many a time did I look into the world and the sky when swinging… many a time did I see colorful clouds above while, blue and white, in reality.

There were those other times when I closed my eyes while letting my body doing its own swinging thing… it was then when in the black background I saw and felt visions flashing through.

Of course, there were also voices… auditory hallucinations— perhaps reminding me to let go, to experiences 空 and many other things I am not even quite sure whether they entered my long term memory.

Therefore… ok… there were thoughts entering into my consciousness and the information processing.

Yet, in the pursuit of coming to a state of fuller recovery, I had to make a decision on what to do with all these experiences as well as what and how to interpret them.

The first thing I had to do was to decide whether I wanted to believe in my rehabilitation doctor—a western doctor using 氣 as the sole method to treatment--- no traction, to electric therapy, no heat therapy and no exercises.

Given the 臭頭多藥 nature of my condition and the remembrance of my past experiences his movements invoke, I decided to learn to believe his theory and methods.

However, the treatment he prescribed seemed to be far tougher than any other treatments I have received so far.

According to the doctor, the only way for the treatment to work is for me to accept my 元神 to come in and heal my body.

This has to be true acceptance because, even if I could lie to myself that I accept, I would still not accept my 元神, which has made me who I am so far, to come in and do work on me.

A bit later, either it was the doctor or my hallucinations brought up the topic of letting go or 放下… somewhere along the line, there came again this 空 thing that had driven me so 空空 as to go into the psychiatric wards.

The funny thing is that I am the one who still have this question of psychosomatization in my mind… to the extent that… I brought up the topic to the doctor that, “Could the much better recovery I observe in myself nowadays the proof of psychogenesis of my condition, manifested in the symptoms of psychosomatization?”

The doctor shook his head and said “no.”

I know, though, still, the psychosomatic hypothesis is still a thought I could not let go of….

The greatest irony I find in my headless swinging life is that… I am asked of nothing new, I do nothing new, I am required to learn nothing new…

Yet, it is the big great nothing-ly existence that requires me to deconstruct a majority part of my life—represented as my beliefs.

For instance, in our last meeting, the doctor made a comment like, “all that you have experienced is correct (real or not wrong).”

I responded with something like… “But it makes it so difficult because now I have to live in a life contradicting to all my previous beliefs.”

Yes, just when I am sort of getting a grip on how to live with the sensory kind of hallucinations that many of my psychiatrists haven’t heard reported before, now I am told that all those are not hallucinations and it is the acceptance of them that could help me heal while, in reality, it seems to help?

This puts me in a strange state… thinking why is it so difficult to be just ordinarily crazy because what I am feeling now is—not so much as losing ground—more like floating in the air without a ground to root (while I can’t stop wondering whether one should even bother about wanting to be grounded… 8-O)

(I guess, at this point, some might start wondering whether I need to go back to the New York Psychiatric Institute except for now I can’t even go back to the United States. lol)

Well…

Since I have no idea when I will come to true acceptance about my 元神, which is essentially myself…

Since my words are too limited to make you understand the experiences of mine….

Since the process is mine to go through and I don’t know what it could do for you…

I decided to put in writing today to share with you the dilemma I am facing in a swinging existence.

So they say… someone’s garbage is other’s resource and vice versa…. Hope there is something worth recycling… 8-O lol

At least, for me personally… and it just came to my attention that… either it is because the pains have gone down and the recovery in progress… I seem to have ceased to have the need for a, if not many, Why. (I guess all has been written down so please don't ask me why... lol)