Preparation: On 英英美代子

If you were a master of chi-kong, especially, 自發功, you might feel offended by my calling my movements 英英美代子, rather than "自發功."

Yet, believe it or not, I could not stop wondering whether it is my 元神 that chose such naming... possibly having something to do with I have resisted all temptations to learn about "自發功"-- as per suggestion of my doctor.

Even though, finally, my doctor revealed to me the official label to my swinging activities, the only thing I know about the name "自發功" is the difficult kind of involuntary movements of my body when I enter into that vacuous state of my head and allow the body to move at its own will.

In this case, it doesn't really matter whether we assign the name 自發功 or 英英美代子 for both are but containers to the phenomena. For instance, if you do not read Chinese, how would it matter to you whether the correct labeling is the 3 character phrase or the 5 character phrase?

英英美代子, though, has some special meaning for me...

英英美代子 means more than one having too much time in one's hand and having nothing to do.

The state of "空" (according to my own interpretation of what 空 is like) is an essential component for my version of 英英美代子. It is because it is easier to let go of all controls when you 放空.

I once showed this acquaintance the clip of my arching my back.

She saw the clip and insisted that the doctor must have done something to me... her hypotheses were: 1) he must have add chi or energy to me body, 2) he must have hypnotized me somehow, or, 3) there must be some external forces present.

In addition, she told me that Chi Kong kind of thing would never work for her because she always has too many thoughts in her mind and even the masters of Chi-Kong have given up on her. Her thoughts are so proliferate that she has to use sleeping pills to fall asleep.

Being well endowed with my psychotic existence, I know well what it means to have thoughts building up and building up when all that you want is to fall asleep.

I, then, told her that... 放空 is nothing that comes natural...

Like the learning of all things else, 放空 is an art and it takes one to train oneself because, chances are, it is a state differing from one person to another, and, from one moment to the next.

There was a time, when I thought that 放空 means looking into the abyss and darkness, allowing no thoughts and fighting off all thoughts when my eyes were closed.

Then, I realized that, with my hallucinations in place, the attempt to keep all thoughts off might not be the right approach. I realized that, perhaps, what I had to learn was to allow all voices coming in and out as they will... Observe them if unavoidable but not react-- or not try to fight them off by building upon them... more thoughts.

The lady heard me but she did not really hear me.

She replied, "That's impossible."

I felt bad for her because I know how it feels.

(I know, at the sometime, that, I have had my share of sleeplessness while, in mind, no thoughts... In addition, it might be the antipsychotic meds that are actually making my strategies workable... 8-X lol)

In addition, I also realized that the conversation with her was as if a conversation with myself... at a different point of time, perhaps, and, hopefully...

Then, it was much recent when I rethought the idea of my life's preparation to reach the state I am in today.... be it good or bad or anywhere in between...

And, I could not shake this thought that...

Could my psychotic existence and my obsession about 空 be nothing but a preparation towards my state of 英英美代子?

Could the herniations, pains, and all else not classified but the preparation for me to get a taste of what 空 might be?

What else are they, together, intended to prepare me for? And--- could it be you?