Da Eternal Love

As I was going though my files.... I encountered this writing dated back to 1998...

How shall I put it in words... the man is gone but the dasein remains....

Sort of like the dasein brings forth by this song... last Christmas



Waking up in the morning, I saw the weather had changed. I was wondering how cold it would be this year. Would it be colder or milder? I cannot choose nor do I have the power to decide the weather condition. The only thing I could do is to decide my own attitude towards the conditions. I am no pan-determinist but I apprehend that the truth that human being is not omnipotent.

Likewise, falling in love was just a state of mind. It made me anxious and somehow spoiled my life. Should I have stayed cool and calm, no extreme disturbance would have occurred and so much more work could have been done. Flirtation does no harm inasmuch the heart does not become involved. However, I betrayed my best interest and fell into a chaotic phase.

If I wanted to protect myself from being hurt by the same old scenario, I should have held back my affection, blockaded my emotions, and kept you away from my sight. Yet, I refrained from withdrawing. I refused to regress to the infantile stage of "out-of-sight-out-of-mind". I saw that, in the distant future, our fates would converge: not referring to our together-here-after-happy-life, but rather the inescapable end of our life journey. I could not bear seeing myself regretting when it is too late, the words I could have said and the things I could have done.

Some said that my thoughts are morbid and a smile is the response. For I always know that, if life is mortal and nothing lasts forever (not even diamond), I had better strive to live my life for significance. This belief gives me the strength to hold on. Out of the question, you or anyone else could not comprehend what could have and still sustain my faith in love, because neither could I. A friend of mine once questioned me, "How is it possible for you to be in love this way?" There is no easy answer. The only thing I can say, is......

Value does not push men to do a deed; it can only pull one to towards an action.

I have to be the one in charge of my fate, at least partially. Since the day that I realized the insufficiency of my being, I made up my mind to be what I want to be with all my might, disregarding the inevitable agony and distress. I want to be with you and it will always be the statement of my life. It reveals my cathexis in you, regardless my realization in the ultimate destiny, not death but aloneness. I know for sure that, before death, we can never avoid being alone. We will be sitting under the sunset, precipitating our demise. We might be surrounded by people, but still deemed to be alone, just like those in a nursing home.

You always asked me why I volunteered in places like the hospital where bereavement and suffering takes place. The scene might not be pleasurable yet insightful. There, I saw how ephemeral life could be and I learned how precious our infinitesimal life is. Such experiences might have reinforced my fixation in you. Thus, I promised myself that I would always cherish the time with you.

You know something? I am the one who is responsible for the inconsolable situation in which I am trapped. I did not withhold my feelings and just let it flow. I have to take my share of responsibility for the free-running emotion of mine. As a human being, I have the freedom to choose. The price I paid for this freedom is the obligation to commit myself to this engagement. Therefore, when I said to you that "I will be waiting for you", it was also a commitment to myself. I did not and still do not regret it, and, I surely will not. As long as I give myself this try, whatever the cost may be, I am making effort to authenticate my life. I would not be beshamed to confront myself and will not regret in the future having nothing done.

However, in bearing the responsibility, I am also making effort to prevent myself from being vulnerable. When I am responsible, I have the control to make the next movement rather than waiting for the stars to fall. It helps me be stronger. Thus, my days would not be like hell.

I am not like a tyrant. You have your own existence and you make your own choice. I could not force you to accept my affections as they are. I had set no ultimate goal for my trials since no one has power over his own destiny. I am no pan-determinist; however, I believe in fate. I had managed, and, will continue to push my fate some more, although I still do not know where it will go.


Last Christmas
Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance
But you still catch my eye
Tell me baby
Do you recognize me?
Well
it's been a year
It doesn't surprise me
"Merry Christmas"
I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I love you"
I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been
But if you kissed me now
I know you'd fool me again

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

ooooo
oh oh baby

A crowded room
Friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you
And your soul of ice
My god I thought you were
Someone to rely on
Me?
I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man under cover but you tore me apart
oh oh
Now I've found a real love you'll never fool me again

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year
To save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

SPECIALLLLLL

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart ( Gave you my heart)
A man under cover but you tore me apart
Maybe, Next year I'll give it to someone
I'll give it to someone special.
special.