The Help

After my mom went back to Taiwan, my neighbor lent me a book "The Help" to keep my mind busy early yesterday evening.

Started it last night and finished reading it just now since I got home this afternoon...

Nice book... something I would definitely recommend to people... for me, a story depicting the process it takes towards the breakdown of segregation if not simply integration.

"Am I gone believe what them fools say about me today?"  in P. 73 is one quote I like the best from this book.

At the same time, since I finished the last 50-60 pages or so first last night after the first 200 something pages, after officially reading up the whole book... almost 600 pages in two days...

Wow... apparently, more than 2-3 words I now can read... got myself sort of impressed... since I was struggling to read picture books preferably without words and pictures only last year not too far from this time. 8-O

Can't help thinking of the art of losing in the back of my head though (here comes the power of learned helplessness) and wonder when I am gonna lose that depressive thinking as well? 8-X 8-O lol sigh

Questions

Went for a family trip yesterday...

At some point, my nephew said to me...

"Auntie, auntie... I have some questions for you."

"Yes?"

"Are you smart?"

"I don't know."

"What is 1+1?"

"2"

"What is 2+2?"

"4."

"What is 4+4?"

"8."

"What is 8+8?"

"16."

"What is 16+16?"

He went all the way till...

"What is 128+128?"

"256."

Just when I thought he would never end...

"What is the first question I asked you?"

"1....... Are you smart?"

Later last night, this came to my mind...

And, I thought... my memory seems to be back.  8-O lol sigh

Has Dr. Strauss visited you recently?

Back in Spring time, this really nice friend of mine... who is really Christian or catholic but always remind me of 媽祖 (and I told her so... 8-O lol)...

Asked me this question...
"Has Dr. Strauss visited you recently?"

So I replied with something like, "No.  I think he is somewhere better and has got something better to do.  I haven't heard from him for a while.  Might have gotten bored by me."

Unless... too frustrated by the inability to teach an old rat new things.... 8-O lol

You have to tell me...

A friend once teased me... "So you know everything about being psychotic."

It was some time after last Summer, I think, when I was still struggling to learn to think again... therefore... the question... How do normal people think?

I responded with all due respects and seriously...

"No.  I don't know everything about being psychotic!  I only know what I know.  I don't know what I don't know."

He explained... "I am teasing you!"

Oh... Interesting concept... teasing...

A major concept I relearned that day... teasing...

Meaning... when people say one thing, they might infer something else or intend to deliver some other kind of notion.

Yet, a bit too technical for my processing power then....

All that I don't know... One thing I knew was that I didn't sense bad intention... good more like it..

"Yes.  I am joking... Sometimes people joke..."

He might have added something like this...

Another light ball went off that morning...

Joking... people make fun of things...

"Thanks for telling me.  My head doesn't run too well and low on processing power nowadays.  You have to tell me."

Thereafter, and, in many more incidences alike, and, for many more days and nights and weeks and months... (and maybe till today... hopefully not...)

When people tell me things, I take it literally and could only take it literally until, at some point, some of them might make it clear to me...

"You know I am joking?"

"Ah?! 8-O"  After all my effort to comprehend and retain their speech along the subject of discussion...

"Then you have to tell me you are joking at the beginning so that I know it is a joke so that I can process it along the line of a joke.  My head is a bit slow.... Too complicated... too complicated..." lol

Then, one day, this friend responded... "But, I didn't know it was going to turn into a joke in the beginning."

Good point.

On a second thought.... amazing I still have my people.... 8-O lol

Virtual generation atypical antipsychotic medication

Today, I read that time magazine has listed Farmville, a game I have been playing on facebook, as one of the 50 worst invention.

Interestingly, last night, I was pondering to myself about this thing I would call... "Virtual generation atypical antipsychotic medication"... or facebook games such as Farmville.

Cafe World

Or other online games alike.... that are...absolutely brainless, not all that exciting and involves this mechanism called click till you die... 8-O lol

I don't know what other people get from playing these games...

One thing I do know is that...

The what would otherwise be considered as boring tasks: cooking them dishes in Cafe World, growing crops in Farmville, collecting bonus/rewards through news feeds, sending and receiving gifts to facebook friends etc... definitely helps to slow and calm me down....

And, I thought, over a month now on 25 mg Seroquel only, my head somehow kept on getting clearer and clearer... In addition, after an entire year of struggling, now I finally could really read.  I now also feel more like I am in this world... (though... no doubt, I am still psychotic and my body could do things as abnormal as could be, which I have become accustomed to after these past two years...)

Maybe... part of it is the contribution of the "virtual generation atypical antipsychotic medication"? 8-O

How does it work?  I am not even gonna further entertain it since it defeats the purpose of having total concentration in brainlessness. 8-O lol

Does it really work?  How is it even my business anyway since my business is to find ways to live and..... especially when different things work for different people and the effects might even vary within the same person?

脫竅

1 month or two after my June 19th, 2007 accident, mama cooked me an egg and let me cracked the egg open and eat it... 8-O lol

What it symbolizes is the idea of 脫竅 or 脫殼... essentially... get rid of the bad... bad... bad...



or




Unfortunately, the egg my mama cooked that day was still raw and not yet done.... 8-O lol

It was around this hour 3 years ago when the chair collapsed... and my whole life shattered with it...

I lost everything.... essentially my health and who I thought myself was or was to be.

While everyone else is busy building their career, wealth, smart, etc, I was busy trying to find ways to piecemeal my body and mind together.

OK, I know it is exaggeration, but, I suspect that sometimes it is only healthy to allow myself to be a drama queen once for a while for the sake of it.  It is because... come on... when can I be "authorized" to mourn about my lost functionalities in my knees, shoulders, neck, back and head... especially when now the worker's com case has closed and I have sold my body for money (shoulders and knees only since nobody wants to pay for my back 8-O lol sigh)?  (And, yes, FYI... you don't get compensated for your pains and suffering.  You also don't get compensated for your back in scenarios like mine.  You only get compensated for permanent damages in your shoulders and knees.  It is simply the law. Please noted that here... I am focusing on what I lost.)

So I decided to cook myself an egg this afternoon.... I cracked it open and ate it.  So I took a second to investigate the boiled egg... This time, it is ready... (and I hope so since the egg is already in my stomach and I don't really want to eat this thousand year old egg raw... 8-O lol)



What is the purpose?

Guess, it is a ritual.

A ritual I participate in to help myself let go of the past.

I know that the arrival of June 19th, 2010 will not gonna bring forth a miracle... (I know I am certified crazy... but you think I am stupid?! 8-O lol)

I know I still can not run and I can only walk as fast as my body allow me to... etc.

I am still psychotic while symptoms manageable at a "really" low dose.

Yet, it is a benchmark for me.

Also, most importantly, I am still kicking...

And, the shell-cracking of a cooked egg and the act of eating it is not going to shrink me a whole size so that I can look like them skinny toothpicks on the street.

To be honest, my recent venture into exfoliation from head to toe might do a more real kind of job to help me get rid of my dead skin... and that is part of the ritual as well...  8-O lol

However, so far as I am concerned...

All else I might and might not accomplish with blah blah blah blah blah...

One thing I am sure is... and I just realized is... that...

That egg you saw me eating and was actually cooked well... neither too raw or too old...

That egg was the first egg I boiled in my entire life so far and I did not realize until today that I have never boiled an egg by myself in my entire life... unless... oh... my bad memory... Did I forget?   8-O lol 8-X

Appropriating "real"

Gradually, I am regaining my ability to read...

Some passages I came across in Barnes and Noble to share with you...

I try my best to appropriate "real"... since the biggest challenge these days... to be grounded (or not to lose ground) and to feel life is real.



At the same time, I forgive myself for making errors.... because... I am only human.



This is not THE WAY.  The holly Grail kind of way other people might arrive at just like that.  And, if anyone else know what the is, please advise.

This is only my way.

Psychotics rarely yawn 8-O

Somehow I came across this following passage as I was exercising my newly and developing skill called... reading... at Barnes and Noble....

So I picked up the book and flipped through the page till I landed on a passage about yawning... some strange habit I can't shake...

"psychotics rarely yawn".... except in the case of brain damage.

8-O

Not quite sure really how to read this..... 8-O lol 8-X

http://www.azbedmart.com/sleep-advice/all-about-sleep/facts-about-yawning

Can't read

Twice in a day, this topic of "can't read" came up after I logged for myself yesterday in my private journal that now I am finally regaining my ability to read again in baby steps.

So I have been saying... it is this kind of never-ending synchronicity that got me stuck in my psychotic state.

A blessing in disguise... nowadays.. I only have memory the size of an atom.... would be nicer if it were the size of peanuts.

Anyways...

The materials I can process now while at the onset of relearning to read... still relatively selective... mostly related to the maintenance of my beauty and health... such as...

http://www.suzannebovenizer.com/aromatherapy-essential-oils/the-fifth-chakra

or

http://www.wikihow.com/Cure-Puffy-Eyes

How much do I believe in the things I now finally can start reading?

Well... as long as I don't have allergy... it ain't gonna do me any harm to be spraying on me myself some Aqua Rosa Italiana, I guess... 8-O lol

Well... shall I be right...  my ability to read is slowly coming back.... what I might need to figure out... how to learn to use this skill without breaking myself... yet, again, apart.....

Learning to read

It seems like every time I try to read adult kind of stuffs (I can read children's book without words well), my body and head gets into trouble and it would take forever, such as days, for me to recover.

The major task I am trying to do today and the days to come is to learn to read and to find ways to minimize its damages.  8-O

One plausible principle that might be useful is un-attention-un-deficit and one adaptive strategy I have come up with is to do something else distracting such as knitting while trying to read.

At the same time, reading is not the only thing that drives mes crazy.

It just came to my attention last week when trying to help this friend preparing her dataset to be analyzed.... my psychotic symptoms went for a field trip and my body went down south as well.

When the dasein moment of them fearful delusions emerged when I was doing coding or data analysis, I actually had to outsource my delusional beliefs to calm them dasien down so that I could push the thing through...  Interestingly, after I decided to leave it to my delusional protective figure in my imaginary world to help taking care of my delusional moments of extreme fear, them dasein sort of went away leaving more manageable symptoms floating around... 8-O  lol sigh

What I mean by the dasein moment... example... someone I care or not is going to die or hurt really bad... as I have described too many a time.

Some other commonly observed indicators... yawning, tearing, really deep breathing as if there is old air that needed to come out of my chest, mouth and eyes....

I don't know how them experts might classify this kind of condition.

Not my issue anyways...

Time to get back to my unknitting...

At the same time, something tells me.. incidences are but peripheral and if it were not one incidence, it would always be another....

It is just part of the  process... and that is just the way it is.

I won't be stuck in this state forever... in the meanwhile, the question... How long is it going to take before I finally could grow out of this strange form of disability?  I suspect... the same answer my doctor in Taiwan gave me when I asked him... "When could I walk again?"

"Depending on you."

Delusional or not?  Well... at least this is a belief I can manage....

Allergy?

I have been intending to make this posting for weeks if not months.... something told me it was not yet time until now.

I have been having this feeling and talking to some of my friends about this thing I might call allergy.

It is as if I have become allergic to pursuits involving my head.... at least...

Every time I try to read and try to do the work necessary to complete my academic assignments, my psychotic symptoms go on a field trip and I feel physically no good....

Worst of all, the things I try to read and learn about become my delusions and hallucinations.

The only thing I could do, in addition to take my meds, is to do nothing, to do my sleep-walking or do my swinging exercise..  with the purpose of these brainless activity.... seemingly... to erase it all which eventually would lead to the "waking up" moments.... (a never-ending theme nowadays.)

If I try to do "too much," my body and mind would take the whole day or two to take me off such tasks....

There would be no point to fight it since there ain't no nothing you could do to fight it....

This is something nobody, I guess, could understand since I can't understand either myself....

How do I know these are delusions but not simply some non-delusional beliefs?

I intend not to persuade anyone about insanity but... following would be the example...

I have been reading or try to read about the grounded theory method.

There has been much phenomena emerged associated to what I learned about it...

One night, after I read this article, I decided to make some smart ass comments and post it in this blog....

"An interesting theory proposed by Stern (1994) about the divorce of the parents for Grounded theory.  According to Stern, the crux of the divorce might have resided in their MO....

“I think, that Strauss, as he examines the data, he stops at each word to ask, “What if?” Glaser keeps his attention focused on the data and asks, “What do we have here? Straus brings to bear every possible contingency that could relate to the data, whether it appears in the data or not. Glaser focused his attention on the data to allow the data to tell their own story.” (P. 220)

.... no wonder I have split-heads.... 8-O lol

Be serious... how do you reconcile the differences?  That would be the question...."

I made this post on December 30th. Right after I publish this post, I had this sense of fear... this feeling that somebody is unhappy.

Since I read from somewhere that Strauss has passed away in, I thought, 1996, I could not help but think that it was Strauss that was upset about my making it something so light.

Thereafter, I felt Strauss's "presence" and "guidance." Strauss told me to focus on the first chapter of the book "The Discovery of Grounded Theory for instance."

When taking my daily sleep-walking kind of walk, grounded theory related contents also came looping around like broken record in my head.... For instance.... I walked on and on with "emerging versus forcing" in my head... for many a block if not many a mile...

And, every time when I try to push something through... "Emerging... emerging......."

At the same time, there have even been times when I was instructed to stop reading and to start doing other brainless activities because "you have to take care of your health."

One night, as I was doing my swinging exercise in front of TV, I felt the presence of Strauss moving away... Apparently, the intensive mentoring program had ended and all that he has to do now is to pop in at times to do some advisement. 8-O lol sigh

Was talking to my friend about it earlier today and I said...

"I heard of "the neighbor's dog made me do it." Yet, in this case, it is the methodologist himself's spirit led me through it." 8-O lol sigh

These are but some of the examples that lead me to think once in a while...

Why is it for the others... things... so easy?

Why can't I simply get some writing done without all these strange things?

Then, as I was typing out the above qestions...

In my head.... "Emerging...."

And, en route to this posting through the past few months… in addition to all of the above and more… I stopped by sleep walking… swinging… origami tessellation… knitting… and so on to keep myself in one piece during the emerging process….

Thoughts

It occurs to me that there seems to be some significant correlation between my body status and the amount of thoughts going through my head.

My interpretation: excessive thoughts and verbalization as a result of no good energy flow?

Phenomena

Tried to bargain further with my shrink during the meeting about the meds...

Shrink recommended against lowering the dosage...

I wanted it to be lowered by another 25 mg if not 50 mg because what I have been experiencing... detachment or dissociation, increased appetite, the feeling that the cognitive capacity that has been increased seems to be decreasing again, lack of motivation, flat affects in pause mode, bad memories indicating back my 2 second short term memory.... all these reminds me of the phenomena I associate with drug overdose.

At a point when I ain't sure no more about no nothing.... I was not really all that kin in bargaining further....

Ended the session with the middle point... 200 and 150 on alternative days....

I don't even care about the naming anymore... it would be absolute wonderful that they label me all that they want and analyse me as much as they can... so that they could come up with a perfect solution to keep me health and happy... and I really mean it... because each diagnosis prepresents a theoretical framework and its implications... as long as the converged solution could optimise my condition....

It is because it is my job to recover, unless I can outsource someone else to recover for me... I will be willing to pay for it... 8-O lol... and it is other people's job to analyse... This is why I am the patient and they are the doctors. Very good.

It is also because I am mostly done analysing myself cus I think I have analyse myself to the bone already and that is enough... might be some more residuals though dropping like droplets... (such as the following... 8-O lol)

If you want to ask me why I try so hard to push for lowered dosage despite the fact that I know the adjustment in meds now is more of an art....

It is because I am envious of other people who could drive themselves up the wall with the things they do... have undue passion for their pursuit... perhaps....

Or, more accurately, I am jealous of that me before... which I no longer really remember.... although something tells me that to keep me sane, I might need to sincerely redefine my pursuit (and when I use the word "something", I mean I don't know what it is.)

At some point, the doctor asked me to jot down the observations of my symptoms and the associated phenomena....

So I thought... phenomena, phenomena... though I thought I am done with thee... yet I can't escape thee... even though when easily I everything forget... including thee...

No truer words

Was speaking of my migration from reading 2-3 words at a time to about 5....

So I heard myself said...

"If it were me before, I would have said... 'Move your fat ass and try some more.... What do you mean reading 2-3 words...'"

Can't blame myselfs....

Envious maybe... for ignorance is a bless and God bless me with ignorance please while spare me with common sense....

No truer words regardless which words.

On a second thought... more accurately... I should have used "big fat lazy ass" instead... 8-O lol

Head

It is very important to be healthy....

So you try to observe things and find correlations although correlations are not causation...

Now I could use my head to do things such as reading and thinking... it makes me feel really happy...

The problem...

It appears as if the use of my head, unfortunately, makes the occurrences of positive symptoms more frequent....

It is also as if... when I leave my head along, the observations of positive symptoms also lower....

So... now... you know have the choice to use your head to do more when access is granted...

However, you also have to make sure the symptoms are under control.... provided this half-baked theory you build up about the correlation mentioned above... regardless its validity....

This is a catch 22...

To use your head or not to use your head...

Or more accurately, how do you make the best use of your head while not risking loosing your head?

At the current point, it is as if my head still has this build-in mechanism to shut itself down for maintenance purpose.... It tells me to do things which would appear to be a waste of my life and it tells me when to get on with some more constructive work. It has its own rule and, even if you try to defy it, you don't really get too far.... (which sometimes would make me wonder whether this is the "neighbor's dog tell me to do it" kind of phenomena. 8-O 8-X)

In addition, it seems like I still have sufficient amount of ability to dissociate myself from the symptoms.

At times, it feels as if what I am going through is to learn to live with mes.... as if it is an internship with tasks at higher levels of difficulties gradually get unlocked upon the appropriate level of my attainment.... 8-O lol 8-X

At this state, it feels as if the lesson to learn is to learn to find a balance.... the line just keep on getting finer... and... I need to learn the art of balancing...

If only there exist a class or even a manual..... codified rules to follow.... Give me the science for artistic I have never been.... If only the lesson plans are based on information delivery model rather than the constructivist, if not constructionist, approach....

And, sometimes you ponder... I didn't even register for the class and pay the tuition.... Why are you making me learn? 8-O 8-X lol sigh

And, even if all of the above deemed nonsense.... one point stands true in this post... health is of vital importance.

Walk

Just took another walk...

Something told me to take the riverside park instead...

So I walked.... in a state... limited were thoughts...

I did have thoughts...

I did have words spoken in my head...

I did sense them never-ending gerne of feelings... love, sadness, hurt.... which were released and forgotten...

You feel love... loving feelings... you thought... loving feelings....

You feel sadness... sadness... you came up with the label... sad feelings...

You feel many other things or perhaps not too many.... you labeled and be in the dasein...

When things change, you find yourself in, simply, an alternative dasein....

Then, you realised... the thoughts... the words themselves... dasein...

And you kept on moving on or life moves on carrying you with the flow... let daseins manifest themselves... unfolding like a stream of running water...

And... you walked on... walked on down Broadway...

You walked on like anyone else...

You even ponder what is in their head at times... wonder whether how you are is the normal way they feel...

You stopped at the red light...

You jaywalked when no traffic...

You went into shops and finally made some purchase...

You kept on walking on while yawning at points...

Then, you are almost home...

This voice inside your heart... relative to the region that is the central point of your chest.... this voice like many others that have emerged so far... repeating itself... in its own rythem....

The voice called... "Love... love... love... love......"

All of a sudden, you felt awake...

It was as if you have just waken up... from a trace... (although I don't really know what it means to be in a trace but it surely sounds nice....) 8-O lol

So you walked into the supermarket, grabbing some fruit and vegi, you proceeded to the casher, and, you thought to yourself...

Sleep walk....

Was that sleep walk?

Where did them hours of time go?

On your way back home... crossing the street... you felt even more awake... as if you have just came out of a hypnotised state....

You think to yourself... "I am some kind of nuts."

You think again... "I am already nuts but this is even more aberrant if not abnormal...."

Then, you ponder to yourself... Am I really awake this round for sure?? What does it mean... anyways... for sure? 8-O 8-X

At the same time, you brought this question to thyself... Does it seem like my delusional system has gotten stronger? Yet, how would be valid and reliable measure?

You also wonder... Could it be an alternative outlet for my the delusional self?

And, you stop.

And, you thought of the voice you heard repeatedly by pier 1.... "Stop fighting... stop fighting... stop fighting..."

And, it is your heart's desire for more interpretations but you stop.

update

No more thoughts...

This thought came along...

My head works like them programs that require updates...

When there is an update... pushes updates...

Then... nothing more...

At times, even remains... residuals...

Wait for next round--- automatic update...

Validity and reliability

So, I was talking about the improvement I found in moving from able to read 2-3 words to 5 or so....

I told my shrink... however small it might be... I sensed improvements.

My doctor suggested us to explore better measures with validity and reliability.....

I, again, stared at him...

I mean.... so goes my naive theory.... and I guess I am making myself beyond comprehension.... for... if you can't retain more than 5 words at a time.... you probability don't have enough cognitive capacity to perform things higher level than the most basic thing in the given domain.... sort of like the assumptions beyond intelligence tests....

Although, being able to read paragraphs now and could try to comprehend, I have no intention to go back to that state and will leave it to the others test it out.... 8-X

On a second thought... this would be a good area to research.... fairly interesting... actually.... especially the fMRI kinda research..... wow.... that would be cool....

Would have loved to contribute my brain except for no one seems to give a rat's ass about my brain.... 8-O lol oops...

Or, more accurately, my brain doesn't fit their research protocols-- the methods section.... the criteria for subject selection.....

Instructional technologies

During my meeting with my shrink the other day, I talked about my single digit level of cognitive processing power...

Sort of like... there had been improvements... I was able to go from reading 2-3 words at a time till around 5 words at a time...

He asked, "Don't we all read one word at a time."

I replied, "Yes. But I can only hold that much information in my head before it freeze and I could do nothing more."

The nice doctor thought of someone who has done a lot of studies on the cognition of psychotic people.

Apparently, she had tried out the use of computer programs to help augment the cognitive capacity of psychotic patients.

I sat there staring at him...

Wondering.... 5 words at a time?

My naive theory would say them patients gotta have more cognitive resources than I did to let the study results reach that .05 significance level...

At 5 words at a time... my processing would have stalled before finishing reading the instructions.... 8-O lol oops... no offense... all respects...

OMG

Thought to myself... OMG...

Now not only could I read more then 2-5 words...

I could read many more words without the focus becomes black.

I could understand the texts and get ideas.

I could reference ideas to things in my long term memory.

It's been awhile since I was last capable of summarizing texts.

With the ability to analyze... still need to see...

OMG...

It's been so long..... Sort of like how the song goes... It's been so long...

And now I could use a miracle... I need to get married or win da mega. 8-O lol