Niceness and Disease

I was laughing my head off when watching the TV program "House" last night about "Mr. Nice Guy."

In this episode, House thought this patient of his was sick due to the extreme degree of "niceness" he exhibited. His students, though, thought it was too far a stretch to be claiming someone to be sick simply because he was a very nice and pleasant person. Throughout the program, they came up with all different types of differential diagnoses, from syphilis to the final answer of "parasites."

At the end of the show, after the patient started to receive the treatment for the parasites, the Mr. Nice Guy started to become sort of not so perfectly nice... While he started complaining about the food his wife brought to him, the camera took a close-up shot at the expression of the soon used-to-be Mrs. Nice Guy... (in the kind of terror that reminds me of A Nightmare on Elm Street...)

What makes this episode of so great an impression to me is the concept of "Niceness" and "Disease."

Personally, for me, the more severe my psychotic symptoms (e.g., delusions) are, the nicer I become. On the other hand, the less severe and less drugged out I am, the more departed I am from the point of extreme niceness (perceived by myself).

If you ask me why?

The reason is simple.

Delusions and hallucinations make you feel that people know your each every move and thoughts. If it is your psychotic propensity to wanting to be nice, you will try to do everything possible to keep away non-niceness. When I was most aka "crazy," I actually might have been in the nicest state of mind

For instance, during the height of my second major psychotic episode, it was my delusion that, to be Buddha, I had to suffer for the whole world and to forgive all deeds. At that point, I could not help feeling empathic for all, regardless whether they are nice, ungrateful, or mean to me. As a result, even if I am facing the worse of the human nature, be it delusional or in reality, I could not bring myself to blame people for being mean, evil, purely awful or, essentially who they are.

I actually would go so far as to wish that my forbearance could be of some help to these (in retrospective) not so nice people-- to make them feel more happiness, see more beauty, expose to more light and, to pull them up form the scary swirl of darkness fed by pains and agonies in life.

As my condition became better, under the influence of high dosage of Seroquel and Depakote, I continued to be a person much nicer than I actually am-- understanding, empathic... you name it.

Then, at some point, after I finally got off Depakote, which tends to make my affect really flat, I finally grew back to be a not so nice person, who has emotions, who gets annoyed, who shows frustration, who is capable of not being empathic all the time and who has the guts to tell people off.... essentially to be like normal people more...

I remember vividly to date that day... sometime right after I got off Depakote and when I was talking on the phone with that ex-fiancé of mine who ran away with his Bali girl with grass skirt...

We were talking about something.

I must have felt that, in our discussion, we were running around in circle like a doggie chasing after its own tail...

Perhaps we were talking about Taiwan.

Perhaps that idiot was telling a Taiwanese that Taiwan should go back to China.

Then, I must have showed my impatience and MEOWED at him at the strength of a thunder that could wake up that sister of mine in deep sleep.

So said Mr. Jackass in Arizona... "Would you consider getting back on Depakote?"

And, he must have added something like, "I think I prefer you on Depakote..." (speaking of the loved one as an image) 8-O lol

Much later, there must be at some point when I either had fewer symptoms or I was just sort become used to those ordinary kinda delusions of mine. (Believe me, it does make it easier for me to think of not so positive thought or make comments not so angelic when I do not have a firm- as opposed to loose- belief that someone else out there could read my mind-- delusion that is.)

During those times, I could MEOW even more, think of fair thoughts (as opposed to either nice or bad), or, simply feel comfortable being in the skin of my imperfect and flawed self.

Then, there came this recent acute psychotic episode again.

If one has read what I have documented in my old blog Down with Meds, it shall be fairly easy for one to identify the unfolding of similar modus operandi.

It has almost been a week since the dosage of Depakote is cut down to 250 mg.

These two days, I am finding myself to finally regain the motivation to multitask... for instance, burning data on CDs, scanning pictures and listening to Iliad in audio format.

In addition, I am also observing in myself a heightened level of irritability manifested as being not so nice when I am not a walking zombie.

The funny thing about the episode of House about "Mr. Nice Guy" is that... how timely... what an analogy...

While mental health professionals might say... all observations might be an indication of irritability associated with the entrance to the manic state.

Mania? Perhaps. It ain't quite matter as long as no shopping spree, no sexual promiscuity as a result of the increase sex drive as an indicator of the manic phase, and taking no other riskier behavior....

Or, could it be just the revelation of my congenital imperfection as a human being?

God(s) know(s).

What I know is that... this feels more like me as I could vaguely remember… or, perhaps, simply like me.

In addition, House got it right at the very first sight concerning the association between "Niceness" and "Disease" (shall we subscribe to the disease model of mental disorders).