Beat them up... be happy 8-O lol

Sometimes I want to beat somebody up really bad.... (oops... God I have sinned... zen moment zon moment... lol)

When I see people putting or sustaining themselves in miseries and making themselves unhappy, I want to beat them up.... such as this stupid chick from then and the undocumented-earlier-than da then till today...

So I said out loud today, "Life is bitter enough as is... If you want to make it even more bitter, go eat Dandelion, bitter Mellon or Huanglian (Coptis chinensis), ... at least, they are beneficial for your health because bitters detox. " (人生夠苦了. 如果你要更苦, 去吃蒲公英,苦瓜,黃蓮, 至少他們解毒).  I can't stand it when people insist on making themselves miserable and suffer unnecessarily.... Must be having so good a life (太好命) that they don't know their blessings are overflowing."

 It ain't like I am not guilty of da unnecessary suffer kinda thing... I am them.

Yet, I am learning, in a fashion, perhaps, recursive... and, all else I can or can not have or do, I am determined to be happy.

It is simple, though, to say... be happy.

On a second thought, I think I am doing a much better job now than 5 years ago based on my own writing... or... hopefully so...

Unless... Like what Confucius used to preach... 因才施教...   I really needed to be beaten up bad enough... to learn to be happy?!  God... das ist really tough love... 8-O lol

How am I learning to be happy?  I don't know.  I guess... you don't think about it.  You just do it.  Along the way, you recalibrate because it is easy to get unfocused.

At the same time, of course, we will always feel sort of not so happy at times... because... duh... we are only human.

We could be happy not because there no nothing to worry us and we don't want to care about anything but because we want to be happy and we will find our way to seek simple true happiness.

For me, sometimes... I walk it off and walk it off... wake it off and wake it off... and, when I try to wake up from my propensity for unhappiness, I tell self... I will eventually walk it out and wake of it and I am determined to be happy...

We all have our own ways, I guess.

Though.. happiness seems to be the core now... What is the core of my presumed happiness or what I mean by happy... though piles of garbage-in-garbage-out? 8-X

Still trying to find it... with the aid of Nvivo... with leisure... at two speeds... Slow and Stop.  8-O lol

PS. A part of texts I came across in an old post... Regain

[Happy]

On my way home
Red light stop me in the middle of the road
A chance given
Beautiful tulips to examine

Then
The sunshine casting on the greening trees
The motion commotion of what I failed to see

Sitting on the bus
I felt happy
Even happier feeling my ability to feel happy

Be there choices or not
I thought
I live to be happy

Squander such not
You who have the choice

Double-tenth parade with the March Band of First Girls' High School 中華民國99年雙十國慶遊行: 北一女樂儀隊於國父紀念館

Haven't been to the double-tenth national day parade... also... maybe for the entire life... though, having been to 四海同心晚會 because it was an obligation for all freshmen "國慶排字"... 8-O lol

Happened to walk by the Dr. Sun Yat-sen memorial hall this afternoon where the Double-tenth national day parade ends...

Speaking of... 來的早不如來的巧...



Almost 20 years ago, I used to admire them long-leg sisters in 北一女樂儀隊...

To date, as a 歐巴桑... their legs remain long... 8-O lol

Quote about grounded theory

(This posting was made 1/21/10 but was never posted because...... either it didn't feel right or I retrieved the post because something ain't quite right so... 8-O lol)

Can't stop feeling that the whole grounded theory method thing is about the development and maintenance of the delusional system. 

"A researcher can easily find examples for dreamed-up, speculative, or logically deduced theory after the idea has occurred.  But since the idea has not been derived from the sample, seldom can the example correct or change it (even if the author is willing), since the example was selectively chosen for its confirming power.  Therefore, one receives the image of a proof when there is none, and the theory obtains a richness of detail that it did not earn."  (Glaser and Strauss, 1967, P. 5)

"But the generation of data from such insights (e.g., outside of data) must then be brought into relation to the data, or there is great danger that theory and empirical world will mismatch."  p. 8

Contemporary emphasis on verification, the influential style of logico-deductive theorizing, which encourages the drive toward verification, the useless distinction between qualitative and quantitative data for theory generation."   P. 9


Verification and "Grand" Theory

"Currently, students are trained to master great-man theories and to test them in small ways, but hardly to question the theory as a whole in terms of its position or manner of generation." P. 10

Verification or Generation? 

Both Blumer and Znaniecki addressed the issue of verification rather than theory generation.

Qualitative v.s. Quantitative data

"What clash there is concerns the primacy of emphasis on verification or generation of theory."

Quantitative research so far have been maining focus on the testing of grand theories or modifying it rather than the generation of new theory-- a pattern of higher ed philosophy.


Chapter 2: Generating Theory

Accurate evidence

"(i)n generating theory, it is not the fact upon which we stand, but the conceptual category (or a conceptual property of the category) that was generated from it."

"In discovery theory, one generates conceptual categories or their properties from evidence; then the evidence from which the category emerged is used to illustrate the concept.  The evidence may not necessarily be accurate beyond a doubt, but the concept is undoubtedly a relevant theoretical abstraction about what is going on in the area studied."  P. 23

Generating Theory

"When the vital job of testing a newly generated theory begins, the evidence from which it was gnerated is quite likely to be forgotten or ignored.  Now, the focus is on the new evidence that will be used for verifying only a part of the theory."  P. 29

"His job is not to provide a perfect description of an area, but to develop a theory that accounts for much of the relevant behavior."  P. 30

What theory is generated

Footnote: "The form in which a theory is presented does not make it a theory; it is a theory because it explains or predicts something."  P. 31

"Theory as a process." P. 32

"Our strategy of comparative analysis for generating theory puts a high emphasis on theory as a process; that is, theory as ever-developing entity, not as a perfect product." P. 32

Substantive and Formal Theory

Substantive at the empirical and, perhaps, the applied level.  Formal theory at the conceptual level.

"Our approach, allowing substantive concepts and hypotheses to emerge first, on their own, enables the analyst to ascertain which, if any, existing formal theory may help him generate his substantive theory."  P. 34

"we use the word grounded here to underline the point that the formal theory we are talking about must be contrasted with "grand" theory that is generated fromm logical assumptions and speculations about the "oughts" of social life." P. 34-35

"... many ethnographic studies and multiple theories are needed so that various substantive and formal theories  areas of inquiry can continue to build up to more inclusive formal theory... since one theory never handles all relevancies, and because by comparing many theories we can begin to arrive at more inclusive, parsimonious level." P. 35

Elements of the Theory

"First, conceptual categories and their conceptual properties; and second, hypotheses or generalized relations among the categories and their properties."  P. 35

"A category stands by itself as a conceptual element of the theory.  A property, in turn, is a conceptual aspect or element of a category."  P.  36

"both categories and properties are concepts indicated by the data (and not the data itself); also that both vary in degree of conceptual abstraction."  P. 36

"When generation of theory is the aim, however, one is constantly alert to emergent perspectives that will change and help develop his theory.  These perspectives can easily occur even on the final day of study or when the manuscript is reviewed in page proof: so the published word is not the final one, but only a pause in the never-ending process of generating theory." p. 40

Elements of theory	Substantive	Formal
Category	Social Loss of dying patients	Social Value of People
Properties of category	Calculating social loss on basis of learned and apparent characteristics of patient	Calculating social value of person on basis of learned and apparent characteristics
Hypothesis	The higher the social loss of a dying patient, (1) the better his care, (2) the more nurses develop loss rationales to explain away his death	The higher the social loss of person the less delay he experiences in receiving services from experts

Chapter 3: Theoretical Sampling

Why selecting groups?

"First conceptual level, and second, population scope.  Third, comparison groups also provide simultaneous maximization or minimization of both the differences and the similarities of data that bear on the categories being studied.  This control over similarities and differences is vital for discovering categories."  (p. 55)

Consequences of minimizing and maximizing differences in comparison groups for generating theory for two different types of data (similar and diverse) (p. 58)

Differences in groups	Similar	Diverse
Minimized	Maximum similarity in data leads to: (1) verifying usefulness of category; (2) Generating basic properties; and (3) Establishing set of conditions for a degree of category.  These conditions can be used for prediction.	Spotting fundamental differences under which category and hypotheses vary.
Maximized	Spotting fundamental uniformities of greatest scope	Maximum diversity in data quickly forces:  (1) Dense developing of property of categories; (2) Integrating of categories and properties; (3) Delimiting scope of theory.

Theoretical saturation

"The criterion for judging when to stop sampling the different groups pertinent to a category is the category's theoretical saturation.  Saturation means that no additional data are being found whereby the sociologist can develop properties of the category.  As he sees similar instances over and over again.  The researcher becomes empirically confident that a category is saturated."  (P. 61)

Has Dr. Strauss visited you recently?

Back in Spring time, this really nice friend of mine... who is really Christian or catholic but always remind me of 媽祖 (and I told her so... 8-O lol)...

Asked me this question...
"Has Dr. Strauss visited you recently?"

So I replied with something like, "No.  I think he is somewhere better and has got something better to do.  I haven't heard from him for a while.  Might have gotten bored by me."

Unless... too frustrated by the inability to teach an old rat new things.... 8-O lol

What I did for my dry mouth and esophagus spasm

I spoke of the dry mouth many a moon... so dry that you feel the walls of your esophagus stick together... so dry that you can down pints and pints of water but, once you lay down... it's already dry...

Today I have lived through it and knock on wood...

The things that might have helped...

1. Pears
2. Dried pears

Apparently, some part of the chemical associated with pears help to retain the moisture and alleviate the symptoms.

In addition, since esophagus spasm occurred around the same time the dry mouth thing took place...

What I did for my esophagus spasm...

It was suspected that the esophagus spasm might have been associated with heart burn... though heartburn was not never a diagnosis in my dictionary... 8-O lol sigh

Thus, my doctor made me take some over-the-counter heartburn meds for two weeks.

Since some people suggested peppermint (oil), I also went and got myself some peppermint oil from the health food store.... mixing some drops in the water and drink it.

I don't know what worked and what worked not.

One thing I knew is that... something happened and hopefully they will not come back

Good luck and hope it works for you, too!

Religion

Went to two church functions since I came back to Taipei with my family.

Despite of my 12.50 mg +- state of being, an amazing observation...

OMG... God no longer come to speak to me when in church...

Thank God, Gods, Buddha... and all loving power!

Gott sei danke!

I will pray and wish for your guidance and blessing..

Please also bless me for hear no nothing, sense no nothing and other kinds of nothing...

That is positive... the no positive kinda positive....

Religion... Can't touch it... at least not yet...

Spirituality... maybe... I guess... though still can't quite come to grasp what spirituality means...

City God temple and Yuyuan in Shanghai (城隍廟 and 豫園)

Was sick... and really sick when I was in Shanghai...  Yet, I was determined to be a tourist however sick I was, I went out to visit Yuyuan (豫園) and 城隍廟 (City God temple) in Shanghai one afternoon... after 3:00 o'clock when it was less likely for me to get an additional sickness called heat stroke...  8-X

The view of 豫園 from the street

If my understanding is correct, and, correct me shall I be wrong, 豫園, today, refers to the garden hidden behind the gated door in the center of the shopping area, which you need to pay to get in and closes at 5:00 o'clock at least during the summer time.  By the time I got there, it was already after 5.  I did see 豫園.. although only the walls and the roof... 8-O lol

Accordingly, 豫園 was built by 潘允端 to please his father in Ming dynasty.  Apparently, when the 潘 family was at its heights, they might have owned about half of the Shanghai.  Unfortunately, after the passing of 潘允端, the family declined rapidly and eventually sold out the majority of the family properties...

How sad.

Another reason I did not pursuit further was that I had intended to go to Suzhou (蘇州)... though... where there are quite a few huge pavilions alike...

Never though I would live to see myself to be too sick to even take that trip and didn't make it back to 豫園 as well... 8-O lol

沉香閣

天王殿of 沉香閣

The roof view of 沉香閣

Thereafter, however sick I was...

I decided to go on searching for da temple... 城隍廟...

I asked people... "Where is 城隍廟 (the city God temple)?"

They mostly gave me a strange look and said.. "This is 城隍廟."

As if... Duh...

I then asked again, "If there is 城隍廟, there's gotta be a temple.  Where is the temple?"

Most people went... 8-O

I did find a temple and thought this might be that 城隍廟 they were talking about... Again, after 5, even if I wanted to pay that 5-Chinese-dollar worth of cover charge, the door already closed.

All that I could do was trying to take some pictures from outside of the metal gate... while wondering to myself...

I saw the word "沉香閣" or "天王殿," but, how come I don't see the word 城隍廟 at all?

Regardless, I came for a temple and I found a temple with a cover charge.  This gotta be the temple I was looking for?  Right?

With the temple found, I felt really settled and went back to look around the shopping areas where I was before.

It was not until after I went home and did some googling did I find out that... apparently, there is a good reason...

Simply 沉香閣 is 沉香閣 and 城隍廟 is 城隍廟.  Two different things... 8-O lol

沉香閣 is a Buddhist temple and remains to be a temple today.

In other words, what I found was the Buddhist temple of 沉香閣 but not the Taoist temple of 城隍廟.

On the other hand, 城隍廟 today seems to be synonymous to a shopping district.  The reason why people were staring at me as if I were such a retard was because... I was in 城隍廟, they told me it was 城隍廟 where I was and I insisted to have not found 城隍廟.

Yet... today still I say...

"How would I know? For... Where is the 廟?" 8-O lol

Speaking of cognitive inflexibility and script or mental model? lol

Then, just when I am absolutely convinced that there exist no 廟 and it is all me and my cognitive inflexibility...

I did some googling around to look at some other picture of上海城隍廟..

And... ちょっと まって... wait a minute...  

So they say... hidden in the entire area... there really is a 廟.... (Don't tell me that its the City God tell me to not spread no rumor based on my own ignorance... oops... 8-O lol)

I was right all along... there is a 廟 in 城隍廟... or there really is a temple... 8-O

This is when I came to ponder... then... why did those people look at me as if I were crazy?

 Unless.. for them.. the concept of 城隍廟 no longer associate with 廟?  Or... for them... the tourist's concept of 城隍廟 associate only with the shopping district? 8-O

To date, I still have no inkling about where this 廟 part of 城隍廟 is.

Ain't no biggie anyways...

Maybe you can find out for me when you go visit 城隍廟 and 豫園 in Shanghai...

New York... ICRT online

Listening to ICRT (International Community Radio Taipei) online... with its predecessor the 美軍電台 (American Forces Network Taiwan or   American Forces Radio Taiwan).

Around 1979, after the United States broke diplomatic ties with Taiwan, the AFNT was about to shut down... and after mucho mucho efforts from all parties... ICRT was formed... taking over AFNT's role and equipments etc.

Strange experience since when I used to listen to ICRT... I was a teenager, never heard of Internet, didn't even really know how to use a computer and had only a radio. 8-O lol

Beef noodles 林東芳牛肉麵店

My sis and brother in law came by the neighborhood the other day around noon and took me to this really nice "beef noodle" place called 林東芳牛肉麵店 located 台北市中山區八德路二段274號.

Apparently, this is a very famous noodle shop and they have even shown it on TV...

林東芳牛肉麵店

My sister and I shared a big bowl of 半筋半肉麵 (Half ligament and half beef noodles).  We also ordered 滷花干 (Tofu kinda stuff) and pig ear.

半筋半肉麵

滷花干 is the dish in the center.
豬耳朵 is the dish at the lower left side
 showing only one piece in this picture.

One thing I love the best about this place is that... if you run out of soup, they refill it for free... so I had it refilled twice... including the second time asking them to add some more soup when packing the left over to go... too big a bowl of noodles...

Thems good food!

(And, them waitresses must be thinking... one bowl shared by two and adding soup twice even for da doggie bag?)

Da Poor girl

Actually, I did not want to look back...

I was going to wait till I am 90 something years old to finally look back...

I wanted to think of some lessons I learned based on what I could recall in this vacuous head...

Then, I got my writing all into Nvivo...

Unfortunately, one code after another to code, to uncode and to recode... until I came across this writing not too long after all documents were imported...

"You can't pretend the outcome without going through the motion..."

Ended up, I went back to read about the process of becoming... to who I am at this point and time.

I resisted going back to Down with Meds... until... finally just now...

As I visited Ratprincess in September 2005...

Man... poor girl... Why are you doing it to yourself?  Trying to prove no nothing to no avail?

How sad... really 悲情的凍沒條 (can't stand it kinda sad la!) 8-O lol

And, I thought... only if I could go back in time to tell you to stop...

Then, it occurred to me....

Oops...

So people had me told... you are blah blah blah enough...

Did I listen?

No...

And, perhaps, I would never have listened until I was grounded and hit the floor..... 8-O 8-X lol

Perhaps, and, again... "You can't pretend the outcome without going through the motion..." 8-X lol

On a second thought, well... ain't it always the case... 20 20 hindsight and... won't be me here without having been who I was right?   At least, now I could say that... been there, done that... did me not too much good anyways.... lol

At the same time... what if me reading me at this point 10 years from now on... OMG... Would it be... 悲情的凍沒條? 8-O lol

Dream

There are many kinds of dreams...

The dream to be rich, successful and well known... lotto lotto... when am I gonna hit my mega million... a few million dollars won't be bad kinda dream... lol

The dream to see disability facility disposition signs all over the globe if not universe...

The dream to walk 20, 25, 30, 40 steps again without stopping...

The American dream... The husband dream... The otherwise not classified dreams...

The anti no good thing dream...

The dreams you wake up from after your nap or sleep.

Some dreams for yourself and some for more than yourself...

And... at points, you ponder...

What, one day, you really wake up and... life is really but a dream?

Worst off... you wake up finding yourself all tubed up like da scene in the matrix...

So you wake up, whatever the reality might be...

I figure... even if life is but a dream... Don't know about you...

I'd rather wake up from a sweet happy dream than from a nightmare on Elm Street....

The next stop... dreams and waking up...

Uncontrollable stuffs

The thing about uncontrollable stuffs as such is that... since you have no control, you can keep on busting your behind off trying to control it, until the time comes... when, bumps the entire head, you go... what the heck... what control?

In the meanwhile, you keep on moving on... control or no control...

Yawn or not..

Sleep walking or not...

Pain or not

Crippled or not...

Big bad bug or not..

You keep on moving on...

Done with Yawning

Finally done with them yawning moments of my life....

Interestingly, this was not so much of an issue in Ratology Down with Meds.... even in Ratology Reloaded, it was not until fall of 2008 did I start going into my yawning attacks and them never-ending kinda waking up moments.

Done yawning in words of the past...

Though, in reality, as I was walking down the street with my mom yesterday, I started yawning and yawning and yawning again... and tearing.. tearing... etc... while.. keep on walking on...

Something I have done so far in the US, Korea, China and Taiwan as well... going global, I guess... 8-O lol

Mouth wide open beyond my control...  so wide that sometimes I would be afraid that the jaws might drop... 8-O 8-X

So commented my mom with some kind of insinuation, of course.. "Yawning till the mouth open up so wide..."

"Ya.  Yawning."

One thing I didn't say was...

Consider... this is my ordinary life... a scenario within which the idiom could be accurately applied... 司空見慣 (you get used to it).... while, for many others, it would be the wrong usage... 8-O lol

Since she is my mama... I am exceptionally happy that not applicable to her da idiom... 司空見慣...

Using the insurance card illegally 違規使用健保卡?

Was sitting at home doing my usual thing on the computer...

The phone rang.

So I thought.... maybe it is my sister and brother in law coming to the neighborhood wanting to take me out with them to eat good food..... How nice.... 8-O lol

Then, I heard this recording... "中央健保局.... 你已違規使用健保卡." (Bureau of National Health Insurance.... you have illegally used the insurance card.)

Then, the phone call was transfered to someone live...

A lady sounding all nice and Taiwanese answered the phone.

"中央健保局...." and she asked for my 身分字證號.... sort of like Social security number in the US and Social insurance number in Canada.

I responded, "Can you give me a phone number to call back?  How would I know whether it is real or not?"

She hang up.

I had a good laugh afterwards... fraud.

By the way, please relay this message from the Bureau of National Health Insurance in Taiwan... that's a fraud.

Yawning and its companions

So said the experts.... psychotics rarely yawn...

Going through the yawning chapter of my life.... one question I have is... but... me psychotic.... why yawn? :-O

On a second thought... so they said... psychotics rarely yawn unless there is brain damage...

Maybe upon impact of my accident, them bones and ligaments in my head also got shaken down as a result... hernia in the head... 滿頭包 (bumps the entire head)? 8-O

Oops... thank God I still have my hair intact.... and God bless my invisible disabilities! 8-O lol 8-X

What do I know about disabilities

What do I know about disabilities?

I don't know much and I only know what I know.

What do I know about living with disabilities?

I don't know much and I am only learning to cope in my own way.

All that I can afford is what I know at this time and point.

Even if there are others with the exact same conditions, my guess is, we might still come to different experiences and different learnings at some points.

In other words, my way might not be Swans's way... and neither yours...

That's fine.

We all have our own ways... unfolding in only one way for all... time.

More interestingly, we are our own learning outcomes and consequences...

Mental only when I was much young tooth and greener

The horizon of physically disability added

You have to tell me...

A friend once teased me... "So you know everything about being psychotic."

It was some time after last Summer, I think, when I was still struggling to learn to think again... therefore... the question... How do normal people think?

I responded with all due respects and seriously...

"No.  I don't know everything about being psychotic!  I only know what I know.  I don't know what I don't know."

He explained... "I am teasing you!"

Oh... Interesting concept... teasing...

A major concept I relearned that day... teasing...

Meaning... when people say one thing, they might infer something else or intend to deliver some other kind of notion.

Yet, a bit too technical for my processing power then....

All that I don't know... One thing I knew was that I didn't sense bad intention... good more like it..

"Yes.  I am joking... Sometimes people joke..."

He might have added something like this...

Another light ball went off that morning...

Joking... people make fun of things...

"Thanks for telling me.  My head doesn't run too well and low on processing power nowadays.  You have to tell me."

Thereafter, and, in many more incidences alike, and, for many more days and nights and weeks and months... (and maybe till today... hopefully not...)

When people tell me things, I take it literally and could only take it literally until, at some point, some of them might make it clear to me...

"You know I am joking?"

"Ah?! 8-O"  After all my effort to comprehend and retain their speech along the subject of discussion...

"Then you have to tell me you are joking at the beginning so that I know it is a joke so that I can process it along the line of a joke.  My head is a bit slow.... Too complicated... too complicated..." lol

Then, one day, this friend responded... "But, I didn't know it was going to turn into a joke in the beginning."

Good point.

On a second thought.... amazing I still have my people.... 8-O lol

The story time

Much of the things I described so far...

However verbose I might be... or am.

I don't really like to go around telling everybody about it... especially, when living in it, I don't really tell my parents about it.

What is the point?

If medical experts can't help, what good does it do to let them know?

Today was the day.

Dad got home from a banquet and had quite a few drinks...

Mom was there, too.

We were talking about something... whatever it was...

And, there was the feeling that... it is time to tell the tale... an abbreviated version of what I had lived through since I left Taipei in August 2008.... and some plausible lessons I might have learned (for more information, please check this blog)

The blah blah blah... blah blah blah... and the blah blah blah...

Oh... how bitter...

Oh... how painful...

Oh... how oh...

Oh... how everything else applicable yet not specified...

Anyways....

I literally talked their ears off for more than an entire hour... in between, my dad was dosing off due to the alcohol... and even went watering the plants during my cigarette break...

Mama also went for toilet breaks twice...

Yet, I got both back and continued talking about all the blah blah blah all the way till how sick and uncomfortable I have felt up to last week... I was so very physically sick and couldn't really bring myself to do a thing...

'Tis the time... for the story to be told.

So... poor daddy and mommy were trying to bail out before I authorized them to do so... 8-O lol

So I said...

"I have to live through all them good grieves for over two years and you can't even let me finish telling the tale?!" oops... 8-O lol

My poor parents sat back down like good boy and girl...

Might be thinking in their head...

It never rains... (maybe a bit at times)... it pours.... 8-O lol

By the way, so I told them...

"Wow... haven't talked so much for so long for the longest time... really got a sore throat from it...." lol

And...

I did express with some degree of dramatic sentiments and complained at points, yet...

"I am determined that my life is a comedy and, come on, sometimes I have to let it out... because you are my parents!" 8-O lol

And... I think... ain't no nothing harder than being parents... especially my parents... gees... gotta be tough... 8-X

What does ratology looks like before and after the accident?

An question came to my mind today...

Well... what does ratology looks like before and after the accident that... how do you put it.. broadens my horizon even more? 8-O lol

Based on the most preliminary stats...

Before the accident.... this picture looks more or like the unfolding analysis might hit a local minimum or maximum...

After the accident... wow... thinking and lol, which I decided to not include in my picture yesterday... absolutely stand out.... except for...

What happened to living?  Did I forget living after the accident?  After blowing the picture up, I looked really hard for living in the picture... hidden underneath good and above learning...

When trying to comparing them... wait a minute... what happened to my back after the accident? 8-O lol

Went back to check the data... oops... consciously or unconsciously... I somehow left my back out.... sorry... my dear back please don't leave me... lol

Following is ratology after accident with a back...

One thing consistent through out the years.... thinking and lol.... unless... thinking (stop) back and lol.... regardless the contexts..

8-O The Da Vinci Code hidden in Ratology? 8-O lol

Speaking of a picture worth a thousand words... I actually came to the words used in these pictures with the first one thousand keywords most frequently used.

P.S. The thinking category includes words such as think, thought, thoughts, thinking etc.  Same as words such as learning, feeling, etc.  In addition, I only retain words that I consider relevant... arbitrarily... based on my understanding about... I guess... the texts or myself?  At the same, time, good thing that I don't know and use too many different words.... 8-O lol

Picture of ratology updated

This is an update version of the picture for Ratology.... forgot all about the tree codes such as forget and happy...

Speaking of playing with words.

This is a more complete picture... I guess... though... personally... can't quite tell the differences in the info provided... lol

To be honest, Ratology seems to be more colorful up there when comparing to what it is down here.....

My husband finally back to Taiwan

My husband is finally here....

Don't know what them women around were harassing him for... lol

Gotta say though... don't like this hair style of his...

(Grumpy old hen like me can also dream... ok... 8-O lol)

CTV News-Jang Geun Suk in Taiwan

What does 5 years of Ratology look like?

This is what ratology looks like with the top 501 keywords I selected... ending with Apocalypse used 16 times... after all postings from Ratology Down with Meds and Ratology Reloaded are both imported into Nvivo 8 sp4...

No thinking, understanding, 8-O, lol etc in this picture... because these words occur too frequent... I think.... 8-O lol

5 years of ratology... that's all that I've got? 8-O 8-X lol

At the same time, well... doesn't the last 3 years and more added some contents to the picture? 8-O lol

Gotta remind you a thing about numbers and word counts... each word has its contexts... thus, might be different interpretation.

That huge back of mine... could be.. look back, think back or you scratch my back and I scratch yours for instance...

Will update you with more pictures as I start going through the codes...

Ain't no nothing wrong with you

One day, I went asking some information about the protection of people with disability in Taiwan at work place... for instance... how do I prove to people that I am physically disabled this way and blah blah blah.... A hard question for me to ask.
I went home and told my mom about the discussion... and... I saw her face....

From then on and especially later that night, she tried so hard to prove to me or to convince me that everything is fine with me and I am not disabled.

I then realized that... "she is going through this phase of denial... maybe she doesn't even know..."

She has difficulties accepting the fact that... this daughter of her has any kind of... let's put it this way... health problem... or... maybe my father as well...

So, she went on the entire time at the dining table and afterwards telling me that I am not disabled and so on...

Finally, I could not stand it any more...

"Stop it.  Stop it.  Please!

Accept it and acknowledge it.  Stop pretending it is all fine and there is nothing I can't do (no intent for double negative to emphasize).

That is not what I need.

What I need is for you to accept it.

Let's accept it and say... well... this is the reality now and where do I go from here.

Set this point as the baseline and each inch I gain is an inch gain."

I guess... it will never be easy for any parent to accept anything not so perfect happening to their children...

Later, I thought... must be hard to deal with people as such... what exactly do I expect them to say?

And, I thought of a comment a friend of mine once made... something like this...

"I now it is not perfect (accepting the fact) but you are making your best effort (stating the fact) and you seem to be doing fine."

Some days you do go into them moments and asking God why it is me and.. blah blah blah... and this is the point when you go watch the drama on TNT since, mostly likely, their drama is far more dramatic and entertaining... lol

Or go check out a clip as such... romantic, good ending and possibly a younger and better looking character in the leading role... 8-O lol



Yet, despite the good will... "Ain't no nothing wrong with ya?"  8-O

A lot of things wrong.... dear... let me break the news to you...

Yet, I know there are many things I could do though I am still trying to right them wrongs if possible as well.  8-O lol

Don't know whether this is how anyone else deals... this is how I deal.

And... no better way this guys once had it put... "You are high maintenance..."

I didn't understand it then... finally now... 8-O lol

She's just got used to it

Thought of this cousin of my whom I haven't met for decades...

Her eyesights had never been good since she was a child... and... last time I was told, she now is blind in one eye with the other eye catching on...

So, yesterday, I asked my mom how she has been..

My mom hasn't seen her for a while as well... and mama went on talking about the mishaps that have been happening to this cousin of mine...

Because her eye sight...

Cut her finger while cooking...

Broke her leg when walking...

And so on...

"But, she is happy and doesn't think there is anything wrong with herself."

So I replied...

"She's just got used to it."

Perhaps?!

Is "conversion disorder" a "psychotic episode"?

Somebody came to my site with a google search term... is "conversion disorder" a "psychotic episode"?

Can't answer that question...

To begin with, what is a psychotic episode?  I am still psychotic since I got discharged from the psychiatric ward in Feb. 2008... The condition had gone up and down till my present 12.50 mg seroquel days...

Have I been in a psychotic episode for the past 8 years since the symptoms have never gone away?

Or, a psychotic episode is a state within which one's state is at the instutionalizable kinda grade?

Secondly... what is conversion disorder?

To be honest, I can't tell you and no experts could really prove that I have "conversion disorder. .. not even that neurologist who started the entire conversion disorder conversation...

It is and have only been a hypothesis... not to mention that... in a lot of cases where the patients were diagnosed with conversion disorder because of the lack of physiological basis, it was found later that the physiological basis did exist... just not identified.   Check out some of the textbooks on the topic of conversion disorder and you shall be able to find some references.

Back again to the question...

Is "conversion disorder" a "psychotic episode"?

I don't know and I don't know what them experts would tell you.

One thing I do know... if you are psychotic, psychosomatic symptoms can come as part of the package.  8-O lol sigh

鄧麗君 ~~ 我只在乎你 (I only care about you)

鄧麗君 (Teresa Teng)
我只在乎你 (I only care about you)

曲︰三木たかし 詞︰慎芝

如果沒有遇見你　我將會是在那裡
日子過得怎麼樣　人生是否要珍惜
也許認識某一人　過著平凡的日子
不知道會不會　也有愛情甜如蜜

＊任時光匆匆流去　我只在乎你
心甘情願感染你的氣息
人生幾何　能夠得到知己
失去生命的力量也不可惜

＃所以我求求你　別讓我離開你
除了你我不能感到一絲絲情意

如果有那麼一天　你說即將要離去
我會迷失我自己　走入無邊人海裡
不要什麼諾言　只要天天在一起
我不能只依靠　片片回憶活下去

重唱　＊,＃,＊,＃

more: http://www.youtube.com/group/teresateng

update: On 18 Juli 2008 500,000 mark is reached. With blessings from user gevalian ;)

update (13 april 2009) English translation by czler:

If I didn't meet you, where will I be?
How will my days be, should life be cherished?
Maybe I will meet someone, live through each ordinary day
Not too sure if the love will be sweet like honey

Though time passes fast, I only care about you
Willingly feeling your breath
How many times in life can one have a confidante?
Losing the strength of life is worth it
Therefore I beg of you, don't let me leave you
Other than you, I can't have the feelings of love

If there is one day which you say you want to leave
I will lose myself, walking through the limitless crowd of people
No need for any promises, only to be together each day
I cannot only rely on, pieces of memory for the rest of my life.

Though time passes fast, I only care about you
Willingly feeling your breath
How many times in life can one have a confidante?
Losing the strength of life is worth it
Therefore I beg of you, don't let me leave you
Other than you, I can't have the feelings of love
x 2

update (22 may 2009) English translation by yo33lo:

If I'd never met you
Where would I be?
How would my days go by?
Is my life worth to cherish?
Perhaps I'll meet someone
And live an ordinary life
Not sure if I'd also have
A love as sweet as honey too

No matter how time passing by
I care only for you
I'm willing to be affected by you
In life, how often are we able
To find our soul mate?
Even if to lose one's life force
It is still worthy

So I'm begging you
Please don't let me leave you
Besides you
I could never have that loving feelings

Should there be a day
You say you're going away
I will be lost
And wander into human crowds
I don't want any promises
I only want to be together every single day
I can never go on living
With only pieces of your memories

經典金曲 - 往事只能回味 1970 (尤雅)

往事只能回味

曲 : 劉家昌 / 詞 : 林煌坤

時光一逝永不回，
往事只能回味，
憶童年時竹馬青梅，
倆小無猜日夜相隨。
春風又吹紅了花蕊，
你已經也添了新歲，
你就要變心像時光難倒回，
我只有在夢裡相依偎。

時光一逝永不回，
往事只能回味，
憶童年時竹馬青梅，
倆小無猜日夜相隨。
春風又吹紅了花蕊，
你已經也添了新歲，
你就要變心像時光難倒回，
我只有在夢裡相依偎。

春風又吹紅了花蕊，
你已經也添了新歲，
你就要變心像時光難倒回，
我只有在夢裡相依偎。

Struggles and suffers

When going through one posting, I came across this word struggle...

Although many of them postings could be accounted for as some kind of struggling, I decided to take a look at how many times the word "struggle" and "struggling" occurred in my 1500+ postings, ended with me struggled only 42 (+ this one) postings,  suffered and its variations in 44 (+this time) postings, both struggled and suffered in 6 (+this one) postings... in a few contexts... including contexts referring to the others...

Didn't struggle and/or suffer too much, I guess? 8-O lol

Though, gotta say, when rereading them writings here, at times, I did get into peeling onion kinda dasein moments.. 8-X

Why blog?

One thing I could never understand about my blogging is...

Why blog?

Who reads anyways?! 8-O lol

To be honest, no intention really to go back to read them 1500 something posting... short or long... regardless... what is the point?

Should be... Live was lived and lessons learned. C'est ça.

Came to a realization today... as I was cleaning up them postings...

Oh... most of the things have either been forgotten whatever the reason is...

This process also reminds me of what I had to do when taking that psychotherapy or counselling 101 class... Each student has to practice being the counselor of their class partner...

For each every session, you have to transcribe each every word and sound that came out of each party.

As a result, since there is not way I could stop that partner from complaining about her rich boyfriend and so on in front of the single me.... still hangover by da eternal love.... when playing the counselor role, we all learn to only nod when no need to say, "ya" or "oh." (OMG... Did empathy fall out of the window and fly over the rooftop... 8-O lol)

Today... as I am cleaning up my past...

Woody Allen was wrong... among the human sins, the most dangerous and most tempting ain't no temptation... OMG... should be: verbal diarrhea.

Dangerous because... no good for my back and wrist either... 8-O lol

This is what you call... 自作自受.... I surely did it to myself... 8-O lol

And... at least now I know the answer... Who reads anyways?

"Yours truly surely do and still am..."  So I say to myself. lol

Labels

All else I might not have... I have... labels... and a whole lot of labels and new ones as well... 8-O lol

I am still in love

As I was going through some old writing, it came to my attention that... oops... it seems like... I have not spoke of DHS for a while...

La donna è très mobile!

So I thought...




And, well, been going through my own verbal diarrhea today... and.. came to this conclusion...

Not wonder I have been single for all these times... even if I have had any significant others, they would have... oops... flown away over the rooftop anyways.. during the journey... leaving me with my one and only beloved... department of homeland security... 8-O lol

Conversion disorder all over

A picture of Conversion Disorder
Scrambled texts are Chinese

Don't know whether it has anything to do with the Chinese herb my dad cooked to help the flow of Xi or the conversation I had with this man at the labor department about whether I should get "disable-ly" certified cuz of my physical restrictions...

Then... when I went for my walk later, my body was doing the big bad bug in different ways and pains here and there everywhere...

Been doing file conversions after conversions since yesterday till conversion disorder all over... 8-O lol

Esoteric

I was happy... really happy... about the new pill-cutter that I found.

I shared the news with my mom and talked about this conversation my parents and I had the other day...

I was complaining about the pill cutter and how it really doesn't work for my small pill and the consequences are really annoying...

My dad made a comment...

"Then cut with a knife..."

I was laughing my head off... still... today, in my conversation with my mom...

"That is good life... 好命!"

And I am truly very happy he had no concept about it...

Later, I realize... based on the expression on my mom's face... she didn't really have much concept about it either...

Then... my girlfriend's comment... the loudest volume on earth... Too absurd? 8-O

不會吧?!  All them things "走造喀" to me... to others, esoteric? 我真有那麼好命!  8-O lol

(走造喀 is a Taiwanese expression, direct translation is walking in the kitchen.  Meaning... commonplace, maybe...)

無緣の洋菜凍

In response to da 無緣の洋菜凍, I went out to get some 洋菜 (agar) and made 洋菜凍 for the first time in my life... the way Grandma used to cook it.

• Boil water
• Cook agar 洋菜 till it is mostly dissolved
• Add sugar
• Turn the stove of and let it cool

洋菜凍

Now I can make dessert.  I can get married.  Husband, where are you? 8-O lol

My biggest struggle

This past two months or so, every night, I have to fight this biggest struggle in my life... cutting pills (8-O lol)

The task of cutting a 50 mg pill into four is a daunting one...

Last night, I was trying to cut one whole pill into half and cut the other half into half...

Ended up, I must have cut the pill into the portion of 1:3 or so....

This has been frustrating to me because size matters...

Unfortunately, after all the pharmacies I visited in Taipei, I was about to come to the conclusion that... although everything is made in Taiwan, this is the only pill-cutting available in Taiwan... One day, I went with my parents to visit their friends... only to find them also having the same pill cutter at home... 8-O lol

I was so desperate that I was gonna tell people to mail me my pill-cutter in New York these past two days.

Then, early today, I went out searching for 洋菜, en route, I found this other pharmacy... the only pharmacy with more than the blue kind of pill cutter.

What is even better... I tested it out and cut a pill right after I got home... Though it would never be a perfect qua... really worked much better than the blue one.

God bless!

A problem concerning exporting blogger blog to Nvivo

This problem I am trying to tackle now...

How do you export this blog and analyze it with Nvivo?

For all ships passing in the sea, any recommendations?

Finally got the issue resolved... 

Wholly invisibly disable: Psycho and Soma

The accident that turned me wholly disabled, both body and head run only in two speed... "slow and stop"... not to mention, when capable of reading academic papers, I have to live with things such as the deceased author would come to tutor me?

The thing about being wholly invisibly disabled is that... nobody could tell there is anything wrong with you unless you tell them and nobody could tell you exactly which part is causing what wrong.

For these past two years, the recovery of my body sort of plateau while my head kept on getting "better"... as indicated by the amount of meds required in my own book...

"Could it really be the whole thing about body and mind?  The interconnectedness between psycho and soma?  Could it be the chi clearing up at the top, which makes the soma having problems finishing processing?"

Some questions I dare not entertain but can not help wanting to entertain...

I told my shrink and he didn't seem to quite feel like entertaining this idea... and... for the body, talk to the body doctor...

I went to my body doctor and the reaction must have been something like... it's the shrink's question....

Everybody knows there is something wrong but nobody could figure out how to fix them wrongs.  8-O lol

Even if it is all psychosomatization or somapsychotization.... experts don't seem to quite know either...

After a few rounds of running between different doctors, and, after I started getting dizzy circling around like a diggie chasing its own tail...

All loopy and dizzy... I thought... poor doggie... you could chase your own tail to your heart's content...

How does it help?  8-O lol sigh

You do still ponder, though.

But, you learn to tune it down and make it play in the background... lower and lower... 

無緣の洋菜凍

I always remember this 洋菜凍 experience....

I was really young... don't even know whether I was in the elementary school yet or not...

One day, grandma decided to make 洋菜凍... sort of like jelly...

The process is simple.

You boil 洋菜 (agar) for a long time till it all melt, you add brown sugar, and, you let it cool.

This is what agar looks like.

Once it gets cool, the liquid turned jelly.

Since the pot was boiling hot, grandma left the pot in a bigger pot filled with cold water.

It was the old time.  You don't get to have dessert often.

I was waiting so impatiently and I watched the pot of agar so attentively...

It was cooling down but the speed was simply too slow... as if it was taking forever....

I sat there staring at the pot and I decided to pour water to the side to speed up the cooling off process... carefully... carefully... till, at some point, uncarefully... uncarefully...

And, oops, I poured the water into the pot of agar...

So they say... once the cooked agar touches cold water... it won't jellify and won't form 凍.

I might have run away after my mistake...

I might have told grandma what I did...

What happened to the 洋菜凍...

No longer do I remember any of it... other than...

I worked too hard to get the best thing in the entire world spoilt... my 無緣の洋菜凍....

So they say... 情深緣淺...



(Did't even know how traumatized I was by my 無緣の洋菜凍 until today.  Think I am gonna go to the market and make myself some 有緣の洋菜凍 now.... 8-O lol)

Sort of reminding me of... the moral of the lesson...


8-O lol

Grey hair

I am not the kind of the people who looks at myself in the mirror often.

When in New York, at home, the only mirror I had was in the washroom, every morning I woke up, this grey hair started growing in the front stood up to salute me.

A wake-up call... I guess... 8-O lol

Because it is gray hair, its texture seems to be much different than ordinary hair.

Because it is young, it is all stubborn and I had such tough time trying to or attempting to press it down.

During the day, at work, when I went to the washroom, my mirror is in the toilet.  Sometimes, when washing my hands, I would also come face-to-face with da grey hair... standing tall and strong as if it were proving to the entire world its existence.

One day, at work, I was still all shocked after confronted by this young-gun in the washroom and I told my boss, one of the nicest person you can find on this planet with beautiful grey hair...

"I am so upset."

"What happened?" So he might have asked.

"I am growing this grey hair right in the middle and it is so scary and annoying." I complained.

"I have no sympathy for that."  An excellent response from my boss.  8-O lol

Many more days later, I went down to Chinatown to get a haircut.

The lady doing my hair said to me...

"How would you have so many grey hair at such a young age?"

8-O :'-O

Grey hair... the newest wound in my dictionary and that was rubbing salt on the wound... :'O

Yet, I asked with a smile... "How old do you think I am?"

"Like late 20s (early 30s)?"  (Good answer regardless whether she was telling the truth or not.)

"I am already in my really late 30s."

On a second though, I asked... "The amount of grey hair I have... is it normal for people around my age?"

She seemed to have hesitated... regardless the nature of her hesitation... and... answered... "Ya... "

As if... should be more approaching the normal... I guess.... 8-O lol

So, I decided to take a picture of this grey hair to show you what it looks like... except for.. now I wanted to show it off... I was having a bad time picking it out and get a picture taken....

Doesn't this grey hair looks as if it were 100 times thicker?

Though... speaking of grey hair...

Cute guy 1

Cute guy 1...

Ain't so bad on the others... but why so weird on me myself? 8-O lol

Love

All that I have been doing is to keep on walking or learning to walk... might fall short in slopes stairs... blah blah blah...

Above and beyond the ground that held my big fat butt to prevent me from falling to the other side of earth... and maybe to move further and further out away from earth and shooting out like da voyager out of the solar system... to infinity and beyond... 8-O

There is love.

Drama

Been having thoughts about drama in the back of my mind...

From 原来是美男, 張根碩 to drama there...

See... this is drama and traumatizing at times...

So romantic.....


How magical!



Unfortunately, life is not a 16- or 18-episode-long drama and I am no high 人氣 pop singer in my teenage.... Neither am I da Kong Fu hustler...

My life mostly is like... not much happening but mistakes could still be found.... (a viewer of this clip reminded me that the bridge is 35673 M, not KM-- a mistake I made in the description.)



If only could be relaxing like this... 8-O lol



So...

Drama...

If one thing I have been trying to learn is to de-dramatize if not de-traumatize for the benefit of my mind, if not life, how well have I faired so far?

To be honest, can't tell... especially when...

First... how do I assess my learning?

What are the tasks to be learned and what are the benchmarks?

Second... what exactly am I learning or what constitutes my aka de-dramatization?

Third and, perhaps, most important.. is there anything true about the plausible benefits since, if the benefits don't exist, there is not even any point to entertain the first and second points.

Regardless, (memory dump in process 8-O lol), one thing I could say... I tried and am still trying my best.... all else... so they say... 歡喜就好 (well... that last posting in Down with Meds remains to be a bit traumatic to me... de-dramatize and de traumatize... dumping dumping even more memory... 8-O lol 8-X)

One step at a time

I frequently use this phrase "one step at a time"... at various times.

For instance, I identified at least 10 postings in Ratology Reloaded and a few more in the limited number of postings I reposted in Down with Meds using the exact phrase "one step at a time."

The funnies thing about one step at a time is that, for all those who is lucky enough to walk, you can only walk one step at a time... however painful or strangely one might walk, or, however elegant or speedy you are.

Apparently, I am not the only person with the same realization....