Who am I: The self years later

After numerous iterations of reconsideration, I decided to make this post of mine public... for those who might be going through or might have gone through the same thing...

Thursday, June 09, 2005
Who Am I Part I -- at the group level
Friday, June 10, 2005
Who Am I Part II- the self-construals

Over 10 years after my self-construal era and 6 and half year after these two posts, it feels really interesting to revisit the concept of individual self-construals especially at a time when the new people I come to know might have sort of figure out I am not like the normal.

Physical abnormality: easily identifiable.

Extra-physical abnormality or deviance from the norm people I recently come to know: Chances are, for them, they could speculate anything they want to but it would be sort of a little struggle for them to pinpoint where the exact deviance resides even though surely something there not quite within the norm.

Since I am not gonna go and blow my own cover (however thin the cover might be and at least not until my book comes out), unfortunately, I would simply let them fellows live through the adjustment process of entering my culture (Oops, sorry...). At the same time, would I consider changing myself?  How do you engineer the process of change shall you have no control over you mind and body?  I had sort of hoped that maybe people in Taiwan can get me normalized though now I am starting to wonder whether it is but an illusion at all (at least not a delusion). lol sigh

While, I guess, for my people back in NY, what is considered as not quite normal is but the norm. Although the "anything goes" attitude of New Yorkers might have something to do with it, I highly suspect that people might have just gotten used to it.  No grand reason at all.

Thus, all that I can hope is that, given time, everyone would be conditioned by the fact that I am simply who I am especially when I have no way to control who I am (otherwise, there wouldn't have been any blog at all).

Today, I have come to term with myself- ain't gonna try to figure out how normal people think since, regardless how the normal think, whether I will think like them is another issue.  And, the matter of the fact is that... something must have happened throughout these past few years because there are a whole lot of things going on in my body and in my head that I literally have no control over-- above and beyond the physical and the mental health things.

So I thought of the concept of the life-span development of the independent and interdependent self-contruals.

I had always been different... be it in Taiwan, in Canada, in the US, back in Taiwan or any other places I have traveled to... and even before I had my psychotic onset.

Many people had thought that it was the cultural differences that they were observing- regardless their cultural backgrounds-- only to realize eventually that it was not "only" the cultural background-- it was and has always been mes-- albeit the different versions of mes.

And, so I figure, what I had to live through these past few years might have somehow contributed to the promotion in the growth of independent self while working not so hard on developing that interdependence self.

I could go on with lengthy paragraphs trying to elaborate on this and that...  Yet, I will keep it simple and with them referring to them people I have encountered all these years regardless of geographically location and whether the "them" that I perceived exist or not in reality.

Controlling for the effects of the physical issues, what does it take for a paranoid schizophrenic to be functional in a world where everyone is constantly making judgments-- be them judgments positive, negative or neutral?  And, forget not, survival proceeds functionality.

If I were to be guided by my interdependent self and focus on practicing the belief that “people are understood primarily in connection to one another,”  I won't last too long at large although it has always been the beautiful people who had me carried along the way.

On the other hand, there is a need for my existence to be detached from the "social environment" because there is a very high likelihood that the environment created by my head is not shared by anyone else.  Since I have no control over myselves, I had to simply let myselves be "mes" since it's not like I have too many an option anyways.

Also, it is not like I knew what I was doing and I worked really hard everyday consciously trying to develop my independent self-construal while oppressing that of my interdependent self-construal.  Not so smart.

It just happened-- in time- while I was sleeping, while I was awake or somewhere in between- provided the same "environment" I carry with me regardless where I am. (Come to think about it, no wonder I can bear no weight since a world must be so of heavey. 8-O lol)

If I were to respond to a comment this friend of mine, an esteemed radiologist working in the field of psychiatry, once said, "You are too much influenced by your mental health condition," my reply today would be, "You bet.  I am looking forward to a day when you people can find a way to help me get rid of the impacts of the environment shared not by anyone else."

Is it a good thing or a bad thing?  God knows.  Just the way it is- human development if not developmental outcomes at this point.

Will my MO change in accordance to the change in the socio-cultural environment shared by the others?  What is the point of entertaining this question since we shall know when the time comes.

Was it all but at the mysterious thing called at the "cognitive" level?  God knows as well except I have a hypothesis-- I think it was that dorsal horn reorganization that nobody can prove or disprove that did it, perhaps.8-O lol

And, am I judging anyone?

Back to this quote of Frankl someone just last night, "No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute honesty whether in the similar situation he might not have done the same."

A motto in my life with this question myselves to ask:" What would I do if I were them?" With them referring to everyone I encounter in the "environment" I carry with me regardless of the geographical locations and whether "they" exist or not. 

The answer, I bet I would do the same.

Am I sure I am sure what I am talking about here?  The truth... I am sure I am sure I am not sure since that'd be the only thing I am ever sure of. 8-O lol

That metacognitive impairment thing

Back to this article
Bayne, T. and E. Pacherie, In Defence of the Doxastic Conception of Delusions. Mind and Language, 2005. 20(2): p. 163-188.
http://www.philosophy.ox.ac.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0013/1093/mind_language.pdf

The delusion the authors were focusing on was "Cotard delusion" or Walking Corpse Syndrome.  Patients with this type of delusion might believe they are dead or they do not exist. 

Interesting... been there, done that and still living with the feeling that reality is a galaxy away.  What else can I do since I am already on Seroquel?

Following are some notes I took regarding the objections people have for the doxastic concept of delusion with no intent to support or refute either approaches:

The no-content objection: It is unbelievable that people need to look into literature and find citations in order to find examples of delusions while I walk around in my daily life having problems shaking the belief that everything I do and say is being relayed somewhere.  To be honest, I don't quite understand what this objection is about.  Does it mean there are no contents in one's delusions?  8-O

The pragmatically self-defeating objection: I was there.  I knew I was dead and I was being killed in a million and a way.  However, I could not die completely.  Thus, I turned in to the undead and the everything else- until all different forces came with all means in order to get my life restored.  How could I have believed it?  I just did.  I had also walked around knowing I am an "undead" in numerous condition.  "Undead" means I was dead but didn't die quite clean enough.  How was I able to walk around being dead?  I wasn't carrying my own body because I was dead.  It was other forces that helped me carry my body-- and sometimes they took turns.  Did it feel like it was my imagination?  No.  It was the reality.  How do I know it was the reality?  How do you know your reality is the reality? 8-O lol

The lack of evidence objection:  There is never evidence? I wouldn't go so far.  I see evidences everywhere... the things that happens, what people say, what they insinuate and what people do to or for me.  There are evidences everywhere except for you never get a confirmation when asking people questions such as "Have you heard anyone talking about me?"  Whether my observed evidence would be considered as evidence to you, that's another question. 

The theoretical reasoning objection:  Are there inconsistencies in my realities?  Yes.  Big time.  Do I attempt to resolve the inconsistency based on evidences gathered?  Of course!  The only problem is that there are inevitably more evidences gathered through my imaginary world than from the world shared by the rest of the population.

The practical reasoning objection:  Why don't the delusionals act all crazy in accordance to their belief?  Haven't you seen some of us pacing up and down the block in shirt and short in the snow, or, shouting at the passersby?  You will see it when I get to that state while, most of the times, I do trying to appropriate my behaviors to what might be considered normal.  In addition, when I was walking around as an "undead", I was being an undead... flat.

The lack of appropriate affection objection:  So the Apocalypse had arrived.  Why didn't I act all perturbed and cried up a storm etc?  Interesting question but what good does it do?  Guess this also has something to do with individual personality and MO.

Bad mood day

Woke up in the morning, I realized that my mom was home.

So I asked, "How come you didn't go to church?"

She replied, "In a bad mood."

Although the number of 6,093,578 is smaller than that of 6,891,139, at least, it is far more than 5,444,949- the number of votes DPP obtained in the 2008 presidential election.

For an underdog without much, I think that's a good fight.

Other than my mom, at least 6,093,578-1 people are in a bad mood today.

And, I love this sportsmanship... when defeated, take the defeat, accept the offset, regenerate, and, re-engineer the process of coming back.



I also have respect for the other candidate 宋楚瑜 who had the determination to go through of it despite of all...

The first time in history to have three candidates running for the presidential election in Taiwan!

An ode to them researchers

Spent the whole night trying to find a citation that I didn't included in this post Impaired Metacognition: Part I

Finally, I think I found it... The following might be the article that I was refering to:
http://www.philosophy.ox.ac.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0013/1093/mind_language.pdf

The process of trying to get back to read this article 7 years later recapitulated the process of coming up with that old post.

Same conclusion I have... thank God I am only delusional but not them people trying to study the delusionals. 8-X

清廉

I am sick and tire of hearing this word "清廉."

How did the KMT get to be so rich?  What about giving back the assets and properties that belong to the Taiwanese people?

Stop talking about "清廉" already.

And... that other family, which I should refrain from naming... OMG... the democracy in Taiwan really went down on the account of your entire family and we trusted you.  Does the outcome splitting the force of an underdog make you happy now and how is it beneficial to anyone?

I think I am gonna go get drunk

Looking at the results of the presidential election so far, I think I am gonna go get drunk tonight.... :'O

Bartender, a cosmo please.

New experiences

One thing I want to do before I stop kicking is to see the aurora borealis in situ.

That'd be some experience!

Before I get to do it, there are a few things that I have yet to experience in life such as getting a credit card in Taiwan.  Unless I win a lottery, I have to work and get a pay stub so as to apply for a Taiwanese credit card.  It is because I am damn annoyed that they wouldn't let me apply for a standard credit card even though most of the places I frequent in Taiwan do not take credit cards.  8-O lol

Something new I did for the first time today- this grumpy old hen voted in the presidential election for the first time and this is where I voted!

To all Taiwanese, you still have till 4 o'clock to cast that vote!  I was gonna say that please don't vote if you are going to vote for this or that party.  Yet, that doesn't sound quite like the democracy kinda thing.  8-O lol

Thus, regardless your preferences, cast your votes and don't forsake your voting right!

6 floors under

As I was monkeying around my business here, I heard people chatting in English 6 floors under, which reminded me of my room in Upperwest Side although I am in Taipei.

So I went... 8-X

Holy cow... Here I go again? 8-O

Then, I decided to walk to the balcony and looked down....

Gott sei dank.

There really are a bunch of people down there chatting in English. 8-O lol

The yawning psychotic

I had to get off early to check in with my psychiatrist today.  The older I get, the lazier I become, and, now I am just gonna outsource all things to the professionals especially when I am in a stage of trying to figure out how to reactivate my head without getting it overheated. 8-O lol

I told him that I took that good fall that finally made me full because I literally am sick 從頭到腳 (a Chinese expression meaning from head to foot).  I also told him that I somehow got a post-doc job and now I am doing research. 

"What was your doctor degree in?"  So asked my psychiatrist.

Well, though my degree is called in Instructional Technologies and Media, my adviser is a cognitive psychologist and I see myself more aligning with da cognitive psychology thing.

"Cognitive psychology?"  My psychiatrist seemed to find it intriguing...

So I explained, "Because my thinking is disordered, I want to know how people think." lol

Then, I asked yet again...

"I can't stop yawning.  If psychotics rarely yawn (unless, so they say, in the presence of neurological damages), why can't I stop yawning?"

"Maybe you don't sleep enough?"  So he asked.

"I yawn regardless whether I sleep too much, too little (or somewhere in between)."

So my psychiatrist suggested, "Do exercise, do yoga etc, maybe."

And I replied, "That's the time when I yawn the most when exercising and relaxing!"

Then, so inquired my psychiatrist, "Come again... what did they diagnose you with in the US?"

So I volunteered the following info again, as I have mentioned many a time in my writing, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, delusional disorder (though I have no doubt that I have hallucinations)...  Regardless, one Seroquel does it all regardless of the diagnosis while no doubt I am psychotic.

Though my psychiatrist, like all other doctors I had asked before, could not give me an answer about why I yawn so much...  I knew it but I simply had to ask the question.

Without saying much more, my psychiatrist made a final remark, the same remark my rehab doctor made when I saw him after the fall and a remark many people had me told, "Just don't fall again."

So I got out of the building and took extra precaution in walking... back to the ordinary world that everyone (almost) knew me and what I said.  I waited for the light to turn and... as I was waiting, back was yawning again.

So I thought, God knows, this yawning thing, whether that is even something worth pondering about other than it doesn't really make me look too good when walking up and down the street- yawning up a storm.  No wonder I can't find a husband... ain't my fault... all da yawning's fault. 8-O lol

Yet, still I have to ask... anyone out there have an answer to why this psychotic yawns so much?

Lessons learned

Just came back from paying my respects to this uncle of mine.

Guess, this is part of the getting old process-- to see the passing of people I know despite of my aversion towards it.

I had wanted to take my uncle and aunt to this restaurant after I get my check.  Unfortunately, he passed away before the check gets materialized.

The moral of the lesson: wait no more.

If you want to buy people food, buy it.  If people want to feed you food, eat it.

- for fear of missed opportunities as a result of the optimal divide: life and death.

Don't know how normal people would think-- this is how I think and that is a regret of my life and I will try to never let this kind of regret happen again.

Done second run: Down with meds after accident

Finally get down with Down with meds after accident, again, just now.

Didn't know that I would be able to pull it through since the contents... contents... a bit dense.

So it is... the ending music for the Down with meds era... as long as you are happy..



Next step?  Wonder whether there will even be a need for Down with meds before the accident except for... time to go nite nite.

(Now I know why this blog is called ratology reloaded... I think... 8-X lol)

Here I go again... again...

Back yet again to Here I go again.



Regardless how many times I have revisited this posting, it's still... how you put it... haunting, I guess.

Done with January 2008

Finally got done with January 2008.

Just started a full time job on Boxing day...

Among the job, the exercises and physical therapy, making sure I don't get myself in trouble in any other capacity, and, sleep, I really don't have much time per day allocated to work on the book.  Yet, I make sure I go through a bit of it everyday.

Just so happen, I took a good fall on new year's day and now I have to stay low for a bit till the ankle and the body heal a bit more...

Just so happen, as a result, I get a bit more time on my hand and I pushed through January 2008 today.... with that month ended with true and free expressions of insanity-- my dear words.

To be honest, the days going towards the Valentine's day of 2008, I still can't process too much of it per day, anyways.  It actually is a blessing that I get other kind of research topic to work on during the day time.

Call me useless... 4 years apart, still too close to home.

Yet, I am moving and moving on....

And, I will get it done. (God bless.... 8-X)

(Why do I want to get it done?  I don't know... I just feel I have to get it done.  Sort of like.. for years... I just had to blog and now I just have to get the book out...  It's just the way it is. 8-O)

God bless and sending good energy again

After I moved myself back home successfully and as I was telling my mom about the embarrassing trip, I saw on TV that another earthquake of  Magnitude 6.8 to 7.0 just struck under the sea south-southwest of Tokyo.

As I am getting my foot elevated to cut down on the swelling, I decide to post the water crystal clip again-- something I have intended to do since a while ago...

God bless all and those still living with the aftermath of the quake.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, wherever you are!

I was going to write some reflection kind of stuffs except for-- a change of plan since a benchmark of my life just occurred- one of the first major thing I accomplished on the New Year's Day of 2012.

Downtown Taipei on the side walk of the busy street of Zhongxiao east road, I took my first fall since June 19th of 2007.... It was an extremely ugly one because, when people rushed to help, I found myself landed on my back with the left ankle sort of sprang.

How did it happen?  I took a picture because I saw a beautiful star.  After I took the picture and when I was wondering whether any of the pictures would be good, I felt something funny on the step that I took- there was no floor 8-O- while the next thing I found was that I was lying on my back on the floor.

So it is the story of my life... no moderation... either too much or not enough. 8-O lol

Apparently, there was a step to get to the sidewalk- which I would have found any other ordinary days when simply focusing myself on walking.  Unfortunately, I might have become too cocky nowadays and was trying to do too many things at one time- namely, trying to think whether the pictures would be good and to walk at the same time.

So a few of the nice girls helped me up and I walked myself back home. As I am typing out this note while icing my ankle and applying heat to my back, so I thought... it might have been even worst.

Call me sick in the head but such is how I am determined to see it.

I helped participated in a marketing research study and helped a girl found the coins that she dropped on the floor right before the fall.  Believe it or not, you don't get the chance to help people everyday.

I choose to believe that I have done some good deeds and God will not let me get punished for good deeds yet again.  God will help me from now on. (Unless, God thanks that now my body is strong enough to take on a different form of injury? 8-O lol)

Of course, on my way home, my paranoia was having a field trip-- making me feel that everyone on the street knew what just happened to me.  The only thing I could say to myself was--

Dear, that was a damn ugly fall, for sure.  Yet, don't worry-- you have taken much more embarrassing falls before such as the one with easily over 100 eyes staring at you.  Don't worry.  This is only a pretty good "embarrassing fall"; yet, Micky mouse grade only.

At the same time, I already walk funny and use a cane.  Other than the pain in the ankle, how much more different would it be anyways? lol

So they say... have a good trip, see you next fall..

Now I had a good fall... I can start looking forward to my next trip, I guess?  8-O lol

And, of course, the lesson learned: stick to the KISS principle and forget about multitasking-- not to mention, mind thy own limits. 8-X

Despite a mighty embarrassing moment and some minor inconveniences on my ankle, one thing I can say now is--

I am full since now I am really sick from head to almost toe (sort of... and God, please leave my toes along) 8-O lol

Happy New Year!

Holiday's greeting

My friends, Happy holiday wherever you are!!

And, of course "Marry" Xmas.... OMG... My subconscious really wants to marry me off... unless, I shall marry Xmas? 8-O lol

Back to 空空

On my second iteration to get down to Valentine's day of 2008 again.... this round... trying to do some editing and, hopefully, dumping more texts out...

So I came across my 空空 post.... with its last sentence as following:

"Lord, is this the sign that I am gonna go 空空 noch ein mal..."

I burst out laughing (sometimes all that one has is a ggod laugh, I guess)... because, although I hate to be right, unfortunately, I am often right and that sentence-- bull's eye.

And, it goes without saying... I'd rather to have been wrong.  My.. oh... my... (So said the weather man-- Oh.. My sunset.. Oh.. My sunrise- from an internal story- not yet time- not yet visited- not yet told)

Birthday

I woke up all happy because it is my birthday today.

I don't know what I am happy about but I have been just so happy (better than the alternative, I guess)...

Or, ever since I have not been depressed, I have been walking around pneumocephalically happily with a idiotic smile anyways because I am not depressed? lol

Coincidentally, yours usually have nothing to do got lunch meeting and dinner meeting scheduled in one day...

My friend Lucy happened to come back to Taipei to visit from Shanghai-- she bought me food and drink and offered to draw illustrations for my book.

The just so happen also my birthday cake.

Another family friend has a birthday on Thursday while his family decided to celebrate it today.... making his birthday party actually for my birthday.

So--

I didn't do too much work at all today and didn't even get to do my share of exercise for the day.

I still can't shake that dissociated feeling of the reality being a galaxy away, which could mean- me being overdosed again.

Yet, I happily enjoyed a nice birthday, pneumocephalically happy as usual- Parsifal grade, with a just so happen also my birthday cake! 8-O lol

Hopefully there is something true in what they say...

Maybe life is finally turning around and I have done my share of minorly inconvenient days...

Happy birthday!  Wherever you are!  

That'd be nice- you all share my happiness!

Revisited: Down with Meds

I finally finished revisitingd Down with Meds-- ending my journey with 歡喜就好 (As long as you are happy).

The journey to go through it can not compete with the journey to go through it... Yet, still feel ouch ouch ouch... as I was plowing away trying to get done with it before I start working next week to make a penny or two... since I won't be able to dedicated all my time in it afterwards.

Right now... I am feeling this strange feeling in my chest... almost like a black hole-- sore-- ouch ouch ouch-- psychosomatization it is...

Yet, the good thing is...  now the shaping of the book has finally formed and I finally can see the tunnel although I have no idea when I will be able to see the light.

Would like to go visit St. John now except for it is 13 hour time differences apart.  A bit to far.... Annoying... I want to go to St. John.

Finally... here I go again...

Been waiting for this song to appear as I am plowing away in the dungeon of my own words... 8-X lol

And Here I go again... a song with some interesting meaning to my life so far...

Good day and good night!

Ordinary world

Time and again... I come back to this song... a song for you... and a song for the yester-me, too....(thank God that I am almost done going through my verbal diarrhea in the Down with Meds era... up to Jan. 22, 2008 now... too many words... I did it to myself... 8-X lol)

Department of Homeland Security

I have been making some progress shaping the book with my biggest accomplishment as shrinking the scope to as small as I can.

Still has a lot of room to move since I have only dumped out quite a small portion of my verbal diarrhea- gotta learn from my moving experiences and that for getting the dissertation out. 8-X

I was going to get rid of all materials related to the Department of Homeland Security because it has nothing to do with my health problems, and, come on-- it ain't no nothing to be bragging about the fact that I lived in the US for 13-14 years and still without a green card or even an H1-B....  8-O lol

Then, waking up in the morning, I had this moment of clarity.

All things can be thrown out--including all them writings trying to impress people with whatever I might know--- What a brag.

The DHS has to stay because, in addition to health, it was one of the main theme running through years of loading and reloading whether I like to admit to this reality or not.

And, while... I am nobody to the Department of Homeland Security..... again... really sounds like 單戀... no wonder I can't find a husband. because... oh, my DHS... wherever I am... you have my heart... ;-) 8-O lol

Yet another time when I dedicate this song to you... xoxoxo

(Sometimes I wonder whether I shall try to find a guy working at the DHS to get married to after serenading the DHS for all these years... perhaps... that's where my husband has been hiding at... Hello, hello, Husband, here I am!! 8-O lol)

Water Buffalo and yellow cattle

I have this vivid image in my mind...

My grandpa came up the slope accompanied by his yellow cattle (黄牛) which was pulling the wagon.

For the longest time, I somehow thought, well, since the rice field is watery and yellow cattle worked in the rice field, yellow cattle (黄牛) is the same as water buffalo (水牛).  Only to realize yesterday that water buffalo is not yellow cattle.

So I asked my mom about my grandpa's cow... the one I remembered...

My mom replied, "That one was yellow cattle.  You can't use water buffalo to farm the paddy fields because water buffalo love playing with water and, as a result, would not want to work."  8-O

台灣黄牛

I had no idea how valid my mom's statement was--- my uncle who really did quite a bit of farming might know better... lol

Yet, I took her words for it.

Regardless, my grandpa's cow looked like the yellow cow in the pictures... or maybe the color was a bit darker...

台灣水牛

And, after googling around, I found this picture where a Taiwanese water baffulo was plowing away in the rice field...

Wait a minute... ain't that Mr. water buffalo working working hard in the paddy field?

Guess my mom is wrong...  lol

Cow's stomach

Up to early today, I had the firm belief that a cow has 9 stomachs only to realize a bit earlier that cows actually have 4 stomachs (or, more exact, 4 chambers in the stomach)... not 9... What happened to the other five? 8-O

I absolutely have no idea where I got the number "9" from...

No problem... haven't I told you so many million and a time that I am a defectory fool. 8-O lol

And, ain't it nice to learn something new everyday if not unlearning the wrong?!

Your suggestions wanted

Been working really hard trying to get a book out of Ratology ever since I, out of nowhere, got sick on Black Friday, again, which makes it two years in a row to feel dead sick on Black Friday.

There are three reasons why I really want to get the book out:

1. So that everyone I know would know that I am psychotic, neurotic and a smoker. 
2. So that I can come up with a publication of some sort- to sort of filling the blank for the recent "yester-years."
3. Most importantly, I kept on having this delusional belief that I have to get this book out to unstuck my life.

At first, I was not quite sure why anyone in the right mind would want to buy a book with a whole lot of contents readily available to the public.  Yet, after I went back to read my own reading, I found myself a reason... because there were too many words and too much junk in between... 8-X

So far, I have changed the table of contents a million and a time- with the scope of the book getting smaller and smaller, which is a good time based on lessons I learned from my dissertation.  Not to mention that, if nobody wants to publish the book, I will simply do self-publication, and, based on my experiences with my dissertation, the fewer words, the fewer pages, and, the cheaper it is to print the book out.  8-O lol

Although part of me can't help asking this question, "Is it a good idea to publish a book like this before I secure a job?"  Keep it real.  Don't even know whether I can sell more copies of the book than my last book called dissertation.  Something less than 10 copies sold.  lol

Although I hardly get anyone to come to this blog based on google stats, and, one of the postings people landed on most frequently nowadays is No comment, would love to hear from you on what this book could be other than showing me your "no comment" by visiting the "no comment" post (I get visits to the "No Comment post almost every other day- a post which I can't even locate myself in the dungeon of Ratology Reloaded-- at least, not until I did a google search using the keyword "No comment ratology"). lol

Thanks.

Ratprincess

I've been insane for 60 years

I went to my psychiatrist today.

In the waiting area, this older gentleman sat down next to me and started to engage in a conversation with the guy two seats away from me.

"So they say... I've been insane for 60 years.  I am 80 today."

Although I was watching TV at that point, I did overhear this statement...

I turned around and looked at him... in admiration and in awe...

So I said to him, "Wow... 60 years..." (A reaction plausibly too buzzard for the normal people to comprehend, I suspect, because even I find this reaction tres buzzard.)

He must have some really deep understanding about his own condition....and, not to mention, what a task, having lived 6 decades with his condition.

You see... this is why I always say that I am only a fledgling psychotic because I have only been psychotic since Y2K.... (that would make my head not Y2K compliant? 8-O)  only a bit over a decade... Hard to imagine having to live through all the ups and downs for another 5 decades... (and, let me not look too far or I might trip... 8-X)

So, I sat next to him till he went in to see the psychiatrist... feeling like a fledgling chick next to a rooster.  8-O

Coming to see the psychiatrist on his own at the age of 80..... though I don't know much about him... including his diagnosis... so thought yours with a stick... that's a hero.

So he popped the question...

Went to the interview this afternoon...

I knew I haven't published etc.

Except for... I have heard it from my own mouth all these times but not from the others... (and people had me told that I was being pessimistic.)

The nice gentleman gave me an interview and popped the question...

"If seems like you haven't had any publication since almost 2004?"

And, he mentioned something like, "There isn't any evidence to really show whether you are capable of conducting research."

I was not to refute his opinion because that was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...  To be honest, I would feel very bewildered if this question was not popped because it would be the same question I would ask shall I be in his position.... and the same thing I would say.  I also bet... the same thing any other interviewer in academia would say... (and, that's why I actually retracted my application for this other human cognition related position.)

I responded, "I know."

And, to be honest... I think he was being really nice.  Personally, I don't even consider what I have done as "publications" since, for me, publications are what get published in academic journals-- not those presented in conferences and be included in the proceedings-- just that... something gotta be put in the resume, I guess... 8-O 

Regardless, come to think about it... ever since the data collection of my dissertation....

For the validation study of this Information Technology survey I was trying to put together... the collaborating professor left the school...adios them data...

My supposed-to-have-been husband ran away and so went the write up of this other project.

I turned disabled and lost the job at this place... gone are the write up of the program evaluation project I was preparing so hard for....

Was trying to come up with some publication this summer with this friend's project that I helped setting up... Yet, due to circumstances, it flew over the rooftop as well...

This other survey research I was trying to complete during the summer... somehow after all these months, no data points collected at all...

What the heck is going with all my attempts to conduct studies based on data collected from the others? 8-O

Hate to say it but almost like a cxxxx of some sort... me and the collection of data from the others... 8-X

At the same time, ain't nobody's fault... just the way it is... simply life and its unfolding.

Of course, I didn't tell that fine gentleman who might feel that he wasted almost an hour interviewing a, chances are, non-potential employee that...

I have my private project that's been going on since my last publication except for... I can't tell you or I have to adios you... (Don't think that'd be such a good tactic to tell him that... yo... I was busy conversing with God and Dr. Strauss.  What about that? 8-O lol)

Regardless, so I heard it for the first time in my life in an job interview... (Yes... dear, but where are your publications?)

I knew it was coming and I was prepared for it all along... I didn't mean to do it this way and it simply happened.  Interestingly, this is one reality that's shared by the entire world with me and without a doubt. (Don't know whether I shall thank God or not for it... 8-O lol sigh)

At least, one thing I can say to myself is... it ain't like I backed off before going for it... knowing what was to happen.

And, to all those people wanting me to go somewhere and be someone... yo... you can't blame me for not trying because I did try academia- just me ain't good enough.... :'-O 8-O lol 8-X oops.. (and, of course, would be nice to get a job... da job or any job... 8-X)

So I lived it. Something new in my life and non-redundant.  The way I somehow am destined to live it.... like many other things necessary or unnecessary for ordinary people.

It is just the way it is.

And.. "I feel fine..." if not... "Don't be such a baby." 8-O lol



And, so I thought... no wonder my family name is Chang (wow... there came part of my true identity)... absolutely 打不死的蟑螂.... a cockroach that simply won't die however it is beaten up... (And, honestly, I don't think there's  anything else that can give me a better beating then myself... some expertise, I say... grandiose or not... lol)

Oh.. lord... oh... lord... God, have mercy! 8-X

What have you been up to?

Went to my class reunions this weekend and met up with some old classmates from senior high school and college.  Nice outing and I enjoyed both of them a great lot!

As a routine, people ask me questions otherwise could be sort of "embarrassing" to respond to shall I have not reached a certain level of expertise in my iron head kong (鐵頭功).

In the first class reunion, where the majority of my classmates were medical doctors, someone asked me...

"What have you been up to?"

Before I got to generate my answer, this good friend of mine threw out her response, "I have no idea."

I second her opinion and replied, "I don't know either." (which is the truth... 8-O 8-X)

The day after was the reunion for my schoolmates from the college.  Apparently, as I was told, most of my classmates are already in the managerial level--- at our age.

This classmate of mine asked me the same question, "What have you been up to?"

Someone else asked the question, "Have you gotten the green card?"

Succinctly had I their questions replied, "I was at work. The chair collapsed and I became disabled.  Just when I was struggling to dig myself out of total disability, I got the notice saying that the application for the self-sponsored green card was rejected."

At some point, this friend commented, "Sounds so mysterious."

I still don't quite understand where the mystery resides in....

So I thought... perhaps, it is the truth, the whole truth and that nothing but the truth that made people feel "mysterious" about my so very nothing happening life? 8-O lol

Then, as I am typing these words out, I realize that... it is true that a huge chunk of my life was unspoken... all that's documented in this blog... can't even put it in my resume or explain to them... "Yo, by the way, I've been busy documenting the ups and downs and the somewhere in between of my psychosis etc and that's the research I have been doing... A lot of words, just no publication"... 8-O 8-X lol sigh

At least-- not until I figure out how to put things into a book especially when the crippling state might be shocking enough to many.   No need to break the news about the blackbox.

A question I have for myself... "What am I up to?"

Live my life, get a job, let the book thing be done with and keep on being happy!

P.S., And, how on earth do I still feel so happy when comparing my here and now to that of the others?  Guess, it takes a nut case like me to be happy despite of the fact that I am still off anti-depressant while on 300 mg Seroquel.  And, since I am psychotic... this gotta be what they say... psychotic? 8-O

And, unless... this kind of happy...  "I feel happy..." 8-O lol

A question about the plausible "Big Love"

This short story I read back in my undergrad year kept on popping into my mind once every so often.

It might have been a short story titled "The Big Love," "Big Love," or not. 8-O  lol

In a nutshell, there was a young lady working at a hotel with a huge love sign by the Niagara Falls.  One day, she signed up to be a tester to ride a tube down the fall.  After the initial trial, out of all testers, only two people survive: this young lady and another guy.  Thereafter, something changed in this young lady and, if I recall correctly and chances are I might be wrong (speaking of eyewitness testimony), she went on a mission seeking for the big love.

Though it ain't like so many people read my blog according to the stats... yet, for those who come to this blog, can someone give me the title of the short story and the name of the writer by posting a comment?

(And, this is just damn eerie... as I was trying to google up the answer before drafting this post, someone else in Taiwan access this posting I made almost 3 years ago also about the Big Love at PM 9:42 Taiwan Time.... Don't quite think that was me myself since I am not using Chrome on Linux.  Though... whatever...)

Update: Finally got my own question answered in May of 2014: A lady, big love sign, and Niagara Falls

The most traumatic event in my life so far

In comparison to the trauma many people have experienced in their life, mine has always been Micky mouse.

Today, I think I experience the most traumatic event in my life so far... (other than the loss of people I love and care for)...

Homeless in New York and just lost my 212 number.

14 years... an ouch moment from retirement age though no redundancy on this one.

A question from the Retirement age

I thought that I was done with blogging since I have already over-saturated the amount of data that I could afford to offer.  The rest is mostly redundancy, I guess.

In recent times, I have been doing some "inner work" (although I am not quite sure what exactly I do) because a triggering event got my overactive head all excited... and... this round, I decided to do it as a private "inner work" and did a complete shutdown on most if not all posting activities.

I have been going around minding my own business the same way I would do—as usual.

Nobody ever told me anything directly and people I asked told me that they have never heard anyone gossiping about me or talked about me.

Yet, there is something going on but nobody ever comes forward to tell me what exactly is going on.

I can piecemeal things together and entertain it only so much since I refrain from entertaining anything more.

Finally now, I feel much more comfortable with my state of being and decide to make this posting, with which I will be establishing to myself that I am 9000% insane... but... has anyone heard anyone talking about me?  If so, please post a comment...  (Yes, I know Je suis fou... and... crazy does crazy does... I guess... not to mention-- ain't quite so many hits on my blog based on google stats or da stats in the monetize function... 8-O lol sigh)

Thank God that I am taking my meds and my exercises religiously. 8-O lol

Damaged minds

As I am busy cleaning up my old writings and exploring new ones, I came across an youtube clip of Bernie Owen- a hero to me and someone I admire very much.

It takes a lot of courage to be coming out like that, with real name and face, while I am still a chickenshit using my pseudo name. 8-X

http://www.damaged-minds.co.uk/home

Thought I might share it with you.

Ratology: principle and evaluation outcome

When looking back at the road I have traversed so far by going through postings I typed out since 2005, I have come up with two conclusions...

In my public blogs, I have strictly (99% of the time) adhere to Ratology principle 101 that I speak only of myself because I do not want to bring others down into the murky water of my imaginary world.  This is why one hardly sees the presence of others in my blog.

I did the job of hiding the other parties' presence so well that I have problems understanding what I was talking about years later-- like now. 8-O lol

Most important, one thing I have to say is that the flooding technique (e.g., the broadcasting of my own thoughts via my blog) doesn't seem to work since I am still psychotic after over 6 years.


As a result, personally, I will recommend against my own strategy for people with the propensity for paranoia simply due to the amount of workload one has to handle and process.


Yet, private journaling, like what the mental health professionals recommend, might be a good practice.  If you want to help by sharing your experiences and documentations, you can always find people in the field of psychology or psychiatry and see whether they would be interested in entertaining what you have to offer- for no other reason than simply making it easier for yourself.


P.S. Have I learned a thing or two?  Yes.  But, the natural process of human development or aging might be a confounding variable whose effects I have no means of partiality out especially with n=1.

(This 3-sentence conclusion of Ratology now really reminds me of that good old mostly statistically insignificant dissertation of mine.  8-O lol)

黄霑 -滄海一聲笑

Excellent song and lyrics...

Irene is coming

Irene is coming

Everybody is talking about Irene...

The Rite aid next door even ran out of batteries and water.

Walking down the street, everyone is stocking up supplies of various kinds...

I figured... Wow... it seems like everyone is panicking... maybe I should be panicking as well.

So I tried to do some shopping in the supermarkets but lines were too long. I went to the street vendor instead to buy me some fruit.

Although I know the grading of typhoon pretty well since we have typhoons all the times in Taiwan, I don't really know much about hurricanes. As result, I tried to understand how strong Irene really is by finding out the equivalence of Taiwanese Typhoon category and the Saffir–Simpson Hurricane Scale.

Western Category	Miles per Hour / Kilometer per Hour	Taiwan Category
1	74 - 95 / 119 - 153	Medium-strength Typhoon (中度颱風)
2	96 - 110/ 155 - 177	Medium-strength Typhoon (中度颱風)
3	111 - 130 / 179 - 209	Medium-strength Typhoon (中度颱風) , up to 50.9 mps (approximately 183.24 kph) Strong Typhoon (強烈颱風) , from 51 mps (Approximately 183.24 kph)
4	131 - 155 / 211 - 249	Strong Typhoon (強烈颱風)
5	155 + / 250 +	Strong Typhoon (強烈颱風) up to 66.9 mps (Approximately 240.84 kph) + Super Strong Typhoon (超級強烈颱風)

Now I have a better idea how strong Irene might be....

Yet, I guess... like a typhoon, sometimes the scariest damages are caused by the water the storm brings forth rather than the wind it itself... not to mention... this Irene does look huge. 8-O

Hurricane Irene

At the same time, in the Pacific east, super typhoon Nanmadol has caused havoc in the Philippines.

Nanmadol

Looking at these pictures, I have to say... isn't nature sort of scary...

Unterwegs zur Ground Zero

I had an appointment with this nice gentleman because I am interested in getting some inputs on how to come up with a book using part of the verbal diarrhea I have generated through out the years- I don't know where and how to start but I guess I just have to start from somewhere.

The first time I tried to get out, I stopped by the bank first in the pouring rain, and, I was struck by this spasm attack on my right side with that nerve pain shooting down-- ouch.

The pain and discomfort was so bad that I think they might have scared the psychotic symptoms all away...

I froze there with the upper torso slightly leaning forward... unable to move, in pain and could hardly talk.... forget about calling for help...

With the limited amount of extra cognitive capacity I was granted access to, I thought to myself, "What a strange posture to be stuck with...."

The lady and gentleman next to me realized that something seemed to be wrong.

They tried to help me but I couldn't quite think of anything they can help me with other than troubling them to take the backpack off my back and, later, bring the backpack up to the counter.

They both were very concerned.  I told them that I will be fine.

So shared the fine lady at some point, "I was once hit by a spasm and was on the floor for 5-6 hours." (Although pain has the propensity to take over almost all cognitive capacity, the cognitive capacity I had access to might have generated this response in my head... "ouch."  Spoken or not, I can not recall.")

When the pain and spasm was more manageable, I went on minding my own business doing the banking thing, got myself a cup of my morning coffee and sat down to rest my body a bit.

It was then when I realized that the right side of my face seemed to feel strange... sort of like the mouth on the right side was dropping down.

This sounds familiar... 8-O

Didn't I wake up one day with the left side half paralyzed because of really bad spasm?

So, I eventually got myself home, took a pill of cerebrex, rubbed some vitamin E oil on my back and did an hour or so of my swinging exercise.

I tried for the second time to get out since I had gone from the bent-out-of-shape kind of state into the more mobile state.

Despite of the minor detour I had to travel earlier on, I hopped on to the bus, transferred to an express train at 96th street where there are elevators, and, after a painful journey on the train ride, I found myself getting out of the elevator of the Chamber street station.

After the meeting, I decided to go down to visit ground zero and took the West Street.

I knew it was some where near by but all that I saw were overpasses and the big road.

So I asked these police at the corner, "Excuse me, where is ground zero?"

One of them pointed at the direction I was heading to.

As I kept walking on, I saw a tall building under construction, next a huge sigh in the front saying the sidewalk was closed and there were barricades blocking the path ahead.

So I walked through the barricades towards the police woman near by.

"Excuse me.  Where is ground zero?"

She gave me this strange look, "This is ground zero."

I must have shown the expression of confusion in my face as I continued to mumble something that I no longer recall... because this was not how I got to ground zero and maybe what I saw before.

At some point, she might have asked me how I got there before...

"Century 21." So I replied.

"That's Church street."

I had the feeling that she sort of laughed when she answered me after listening to my response.

I turned around and found my way to Church Street and saw the site which is under construction as before.... and which I have shown many a tourist in NYC many a time before.... except for... today I asked for direction towards Ground Zero on Ground Zero. 8-O lol

I have a dream: about my mega million

What would I do if I win my mega?

Buy an apartment.

Gave my family some money.

Make some investments to keep the cash flowing...

The rest.. I will set up a foundation-- one would give out grants to patients with mental and physical health problems so that they can work on projects with the potential to help other patients and hire some interns to assist the grantees to accomplish their goals.

Red-tailed hawk at lunch

I was entertaining the idea of paying St. John a visit today after my walk... ended up... never made it to the unfinished because, midway, I found the big bird at lunch...

Although I was overjoyed to see the big bird, it was all aloof... almost as aloof as cats and paid me no mind.

How sad! ;-( 8-O lol

Then, when I saw what the big bird was munching on- a rat, watched the big bird finished its meal and kicked it off to the ground, yours ratprincess was not quite sure whether it was a good thing or not that the big bird paid me no mind.... 8-O 8-X lol



Gotta say, though, first time for me to watch the big bird eating lunch and even went to the bathroom.  A whole lot of the first-time experiences right there... 8-O lol

One thing I have to say is that... my powershot A570 IS tried its best to capture the videos.... please don't blame the not quite good enough quality since it is only powershot A570 IS.  8-O lol

Interestingly, my canon powershot A570 IS seems to be very happy today because it didn't pull the ordinary trick of "power low."

Water

Had this dream last night still so vivid to me at this point...

There was danger and I had to escape....

I turned into water (clear water I hope since I washed my hair and showered before bed time 8-O lol), escaped through the pipe and reemerged from water.

(Doesn't sound too elegant to be escaping through the sewage system... Why not something like I turned into a butterfly and flew away? 8-O lol)

While I was cold from the whole turning into and emerging from the water thing, some guys were there to help and they tried to find something to keep me warm and protected...

It was then when I woke up, somewhere around 5 AM in the morning, so cold that my body could not stop trembling (cuz it was really chilly)... I put something on, went to the toilet and I went back to sleep... wondering whether the dream would continue so that I could know what clothes they would find me.  8-O lol

Some people dream of jumping, falling, drowning and driving into water.  Others, including me dream of flooding, etc....

Last night, I dreamed myself turning into water and reemerge from it.

Something different in my monotonous life, I guess. 8-O lol

The Help

After my mom went back to Taiwan, my neighbor lent me a book "The Help" to keep my mind busy early yesterday evening.

Started it last night and finished reading it just now since I got home this afternoon...

Nice book... something I would definitely recommend to people... for me, a story depicting the process it takes towards the breakdown of segregation if not simply integration.

"Am I gone believe what them fools say about me today?"  in P. 73 is one quote I like the best from this book.

At the same time, since I finished the last 50-60 pages or so first last night after the first 200 something pages, after officially reading up the whole book... almost 600 pages in two days...

Wow... apparently, more than 2-3 words I now can read... got myself sort of impressed... since I was struggling to read picture books preferably without words and pictures only last year not too far from this time. 8-O

Can't help thinking of the art of losing in the back of my head though (here comes the power of learned helplessness) and wonder when I am gonna lose that depressive thinking as well? 8-X 8-O lol sigh

Fish on the cutting board

I spoke many times about the "fish on the cutting board" phenomena which often happen when I try to fall asleep (though it does happened as well during the day time).

Essentially, my body would twitch or jerk around...

Sometimes, a part of the body would get thrown out of the bed and fall... be it the upper, mid, lower back, the neck or the limps.

Other times, a part of my body would be twitching to one side while the remaining would move to the opposite side (e.g, upper body to the left and lower body to the right).

Still other times, both sides of my body including limps would jump up-- nicely divided by my spine-- with the neck jumping up, too, at points.

Or, one side of the body might decide to go up while the other one down...

In some other scenarios, a combination of what was mentioned above...

... a translation of the "Fish on the cutting board" phenomena with limited my words.

I had always known that it has something to do with my nerves... even before my injuries.

In my pre-spinal injuries era, this would happen when the dosage of Seroquel got increased or became too much for my body to handle (and, Seroquel works on the "neuro-transmitters and is taken at bed time).

After my injuries, when the nerve pains are bad, the twitching, jerking and jumping also go wild.

A lot of times, I can feel the firecrackers along my spine as my body goes twitching and twisting around.

Nowadays, when I get upset, there is no doubt I would see the worsening of da twisting around all night long ...



I don't know how anyone could sleep this way when the body does acrobatic exercise at its own will.

All that I could do is to keep on trying to fall asleep while getting really annoyed by such minor inconveniences in life.

I tried to describe it to many people in various occasions but most of them seemed to have no inkling about what I was speaking of.

Then, earlier today, I spoke with this lady friend of mine with MS and she told me how she also had similar problems.

It was nothing to be happy about--- yet, it gave me an interesting sense of relief that... "Man... I am not the only flying fish on the cutting board."

So, after I got home, I decided to look up some discussion forums where people might share with earch others experiences alike...

And... so I found... flying fish fellowship...

1. http://caloriecount.about.com/whole-body-twitches-whilel-sleeping-help-ft31272
2. http://forums.webmd.com/3/sleep-disorders-exchange/forum/792/0
3. http://www.power-surge.com/php/forums/lofiversion/index.php/t18442.html
4. http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=42280

The side effect of biofeedback?

Years back, I read somewhere where experts said that biofeedback is useful for patients with pain-related problem like mine.  Yet, one plausible side effect of biofeedback is that some people eventually start to become apathetic about common pursuits in life (in my words shall I recall it correctly.)

I didn't have the money to receive the conventional biofeedback intervention.  Yet, so I figure... the Qi kind of exercise might be sort of like the biofeedback treatments.

Interesting enough, I found the ordinary pursuits in life to gradually lose their attractiveness through out the years.

Then, recently, I thought of what they suggested as the plausible side effect of biofeedback and I came up with a theory about how the plausible side effect might have come into being.

Perhaps, it's simply that once you go overboard with all signals orchestrating a symphony of never-ending pains, discomfort and suffering in your entire being, you reach the "unsinn" state where all will be deemed unsinn shall the body and mind keep on suffering.

Can't quite tell you whether one might get to the un-unsinn state or not when the pains and suffering are gone--- can't tell you until I get there.... 8-O lol sigh

The psychosomatic ouch moment

As I was browsing through some older files tonight and came across these pictures I took back in 2005....

I don't quite remember what it was like then although my old blog might give me some clues about it.

One thing I do remember, I used to carry the camera and my precious baby laptop, who used to be a fledgling chick and now a retired old hen-- going all around--- including up and down the park.

So I saw them old picture I took...

Damals-- the hills, slopes and stairs I climbed up and down...

Something felt strangely awful around the area of my chest and stomach... sort of like the kind of sensation you would get when the nerve pain is still bad but the pain killers told your brain to stop perceiving the signals as pain.

I went... "Ouch.  Oops... psychosomatic."  (unless... somapsychotic) 8-O 8-X lol sigh



I have been told that people have the propensity to talk about "damals-- I did this and that..."

So I thought... no no no... mes not yet ready to be old! 8-O 8-X lol

(P.S.  What is psychosomatization other than the label itself?  Some thoughts I would like to share with you soon based on my extensive clinical experiences-- though thoughts still under construction because the Goddess of da fountain of speech might be out on vacation.)

Paradiso

Yesterday I spoke of inferno on my back.

Today, as I was looking at people moving casually on the street, so I thought--- "Paradiso."

Whether I am the only one carrying my portable devise on my back--- that I have no answer to since I might be mes but I surely am not anyone else.

But, they are in my paradiso and so was I(s)-- without realizing it.

And, what exactly is inferno to me?

Portable inferno

I ended my day as a piece of wreck... the trip to and back from downtown surely didn't help.

By the time I got back to the upper west side, the pain and discomfort in my entire body was really driving me nuts-- although I am nuts.

Then, I bumped into this old neighbor... when I must be in an absolutely incoherent state under the influence of pains and suffering.

At some point, this thought that's been in my head for the longest time finally found its voice...

"Hell is where I am-- even if I were to run to Europe or the Caribbean....  I can't run away from it because carry my hell with me wherever I go."

On a second thought, having to carry my own inferno all around with me-- no wonder I can't carry much weight and I move slow? 8-O

Yes, there eventually comes to a point when I use the H word.

Human Barometers

The good thing about the Internet is that you eventually will come up with a good enough combination of key words to find the alike.

Make no mistake... there is nothing wrong for you to be "not like me."

It's just... sometimes you want to find people who are like-headed or like-other-parts-of-bodied.

So I spoke of my never-ending descending from an airplane disorder- something far worst off than excruciating pains along... and my intuition is that it's occurrence has to do with something in the air...

Most importantly, no one I spoke to so far had any inkling about what I was trying to describe...

Only to find out... so well has it been documented... my descending from an airplane disorder...

1. http://www.steadyhealth.com/ringing_in_ears__stuffy_nose__pressure_in_head_t101276.html
2. http://www.steadyhealth.com/Daily_Pressure_in_Head___Part_2_t200727.html
3. http://www.healingwell.com/community/default.aspx?f=31&m=338714&p=6
4. http://www.prohealth.com/me-cfs/blog/boardDetail.cfm?id=1335004

In another website, one gentleman actually completed a study of n=1 to document the correlation between barometric pressure and his back pain....

http://www.robsworld.org/barometer.html

What I figured based the sharing of my people so far?

Nobody really knows how to get it resolved.

"Where is Dr. House?"  So holler the human barometers.

Nice trees

So, I told my boss today that I like being with the trees.

He asked me, "Why?"

I might have responded, "They make me feel good."

Then, there came this other question... "How?"

I thought for a few seconds and might have answered with something like... "I don't know... maybe some chemicals they released into the air?"

After I got home, I revisited the question of "how"... and thought... in addition to Oxygen, stuffs like phytoncide, perhaps?

My American Boy

Finally saw my American husband the other day.... I was all excited about seeing him again but he was all aloof... apparently paid me no mind.

One trick that help keeping our relationship for all these years is that we never fight... might have something to do with the fact that me no understand his American English and he no understand my Taiwanese English either.

Estelle - Music - More Music Videos

On numbers

Did some simple data analyses today... oh... that made me feel really happy...

Numbers are nice.

They tell stories... sort of... for instance, it is a horror story they tell when they don't go along with your hypotheses.  8-O lol

Yet, they are like those nice doggies... some are large and others are small...

They come in all different shapes and forms....  walking around all happy, minding their own business and looking mighty curious at points...

When they look at you with eyes so very innocent, it is as if they were asking you... "What do you think about me?"

Yet, usually, it is at the point when I am facing those innocent eyes do I say...

"Also... this is the difficult part... from my eyes-- your story to tell.  How on earth could I know whether this is really what your story entails?"

Au fond du temple saint

Marc and Scott sang the nice duet "Au fond du temple saint" from Les pêcheurs de perles by Bizet at Caffè Taci with Iya on the piano.

Sorry if the beginning of the clip was too going all different places... tried my best to hold my hands still... .

Back

I think my lumbar-- lower back--- is hurting really bad...

Well, maybe not "I think" but I feel. 8-O lol sigh

Although-- the good news is that the head is not feeling like eternally in a descending airplane finally.... Ain't it so very wonderful!  8-O

Since a picture is worth a thousand words...

Among the pains in cervical, thoracic and lumbar, lumbar shows me its exceptional grumpiness today and gets the first prize.

Thoracic is not too happy about the loss though since it had tried it best.

Since cervical has been doing a pretty consistent job, it doesn't quite care all that much which place it lands at anymore. 8-O lol

I am indisposable 8-O

It took me years for me to come to the realization that-- oops... I am 100% disposable.

Then, whether it was yesterday or the day before, it occurred to me that... oops... maybe that claim of 100% disposability is false.

All things I can do can also be done by the others except for the process of recovery-- regardless what to recover from-- though this is the only thing on this planet yours cheapskate dell'inferno can't wait to pay someone else to take the job over.

Outsourcee needed... outsourcee needed... Anyone out there taking the job?  8-O lol

Today I floated for the first time

Today I floated for the first time... or... more accurately... I swam the breaststroke without sinking for the first time since 2007.

I had tried to do it many a time before.

Yet, because of the permanent damages to my shoulders and possibly the problems with my neck as wel,  every time I tried to swim... I sank because my shoulders couldn't quite handle it.  As a result, I had to use floaters to keep my body above the water so that I don't turn into a floater myself...  8-X

Although I didn't go too far or too long, today I floated without the use of a floater for the first time and swam the breaststroke without sinking.

The funny thing is that... despite of the fact that I am making it a routine to walk about 60 Manhattan blocks everyday, I have been feeling dead tired after coming out of the water.



Then, that greedy part of me came out and said... "When might it be when I can, again, spending the whole day swimming if not simply floating in the sea?"

Though, might need to first make sure I can walk in and out of the sea water before worrying about the swimming thing.... lol

Anyway... nice!

something midway

I came across Mr. Alighieri, who was hanging out with Mr. Maro, as I took a rest midway of my walk.

In many a word, so attempted him on hell to describe... which I had listened to years ago...

Yet, perhaps, someone else's hell is easily forgotten.  I don't recall much what exactly happened.

Then, I resumed my walk trying to get back home.

20 something blocks and many more micro-stops later, I took another extensive rest to recuperate... a la bar... amongst friends..

So I spoke of my encounter with Mr. Alighieri and his hell...

20 something blocks later... words... oops... mostly forgotten...

So I inquired my company--

"What are the first 3 sentences?  Like something about midway, life's journey and dark jungle or bushes?"

Only to realize later- forgotten was what has been lost.


INFERNO
CANTO 01
Dante

Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
mi ritrovai per una selva oscura
ché la diritta via era smarrita.

MIDWAY upon the journey of our life
I found myself within a forest dark,
For the straightforward pathway had been lost.

Japan

Just because things aren't in the News doesn't mean that all is fine.

Haven't heard much about Japan in the aftermath... months after...

Good luck!

Quiet dignity shown in post-tsunami Japan

More Fukushima Worries: Internal Contamination

What I am most afraid of nowadays

I knew this discomfort before... something far worse than aches and pains along...

Then, I was stuck by it almost all week last week and it got back again these two days...

Feeling as if the head was to explode and-- an invisible wall-- at least two feet away from the outside world.

The pressure is high inside of that skull of mine-- so tight-- and so aggravating the discomfort.

Somehow, the high pressure seems to have invaded the territory for da peanut-size cognitive capacity of mine... making it even more difficult to perform cognitive processing.

The ear-ringing- bang bang bang- was coming back to stay as well...  And, many a time, the banging did come back to revisit.

Even headache also come pitching in to the potluck.

Worst of all... no meds can help alleviating any of it and nobody can tell me why it happens.

What could I do?

Live with it.... I guess... since what else could be the alternative? 8-O lol

What I am most afraid of nowadays... worst than pains and aches along. 8-X

You don't understand still-- based on my descriptions?  That's fine... not only limited are my words... I wouldn't have understood it either before...

How I walked on April 15th

As I was browsing through some old pictures, I came across some clips I asked my sister to take when she came to visit on April 15th.

I had wanted to show these clips to my doctors because I simply could not and still can not understand why my body moved the way it did or... does.

Didn't really get the chance to show my doctors...

Although my condition in this clip is far better than how it was in the January, February or even March, I was still having quite some issues in the moving department.

It didn't look good and I didn't feel quite so well either.  Yet, I kept on moving and moved some more.

Today is July 4th.... two months and half later... the pains and discomfort have, hopefully, lessen... though some days things are still really bad.

Can't tell you whether my walking looks better now than then either... 

One thing I know is that.. I can now walk for longer distance-- for instance, I walked from 111th down to 93rd street and back today... one more block from yesterday.

All else I can do not... one thing I am trying to do now is to build more endurance one step at a time.... till hopefully, one day soon, I can be uncaned again.

The art of losing

Came across this movie called "In her shoes" earlier today when Cameron Diaz was asked to read this poem about one art- the art of losing.

An art, don't know about you, I surely have acquired a fair amount of proficiency in although can't quite say whether I have mastered.

Nice poem- simple words.  clean thoughts.

The Art of Losing
In Her Shoes at MOVIECLIPS.com

One Art

Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

How do normal people think?-- revisited

Something gets me really bewildered is... why do the search engines lead people to this old post of mine when seeking out for an answer about how do normal people think?

Sometimes I feel really guilty because it feels as if the title of the posting is misleading... mislead people to believe that da click might take them an answer of some sort.

One thing I know and I recall is that-- about two years ago or maybe since even longer time ago, I desperately want to know how normal people think so that I might be able to train myself thinking like a normal.

Two years later, I still don't know how normal people think.

Yet, I have entered a state within which I don't quite care about how them normal think anymore--- though not quite sure whether it is a good thing or a bad thing... 8-O 8-X lol

Pour quoi?

Well, first of all, can normal people give me an answer when I pose this exact question to them?  Don't quite think so.

Second, even if the normal can tell me exactly how they think, is it feasible for me to train myself to think like them?  Don't quite think so either.

Third and last, how is it my business how the normal think when they don't quite give a rodent's behind about how yours abnormal thinks other than, plausibly, them people studying about the psychology of the ab-normal?

Thus, the solution unfolds so far concerning "How do normal people think?"

I give up on wanting to be normalized as well as the pursuit to entertain the thinking of the normal at this point. 8-O 8-X lol

I do envy the normal, though, to a certain degree, because- call it ab-normal-centrism if you wish-- the question of "How do normal people think?" seem to bear so much more at the questioner's end than "How do abnormal people think?"

(A posting that I have been drafting in mind for months.)

Huge accomplishment for the day

My body wanted to walk... so I walked today... from 111th street to 82nd street along Broadway.

Had to stop to rest once in while, but... today... I got to 82nd street and Broadway.... at which point, my body said... enough...

And... I took my M104 to come back up... lol

Yet, a humongous accomplishment since a while!