Nothingness 空

Haven't done my blah blah blah about 空 or, I suppose, nothingness..

For some time, I refrain from entertaining 空 because, every time I touch 空, I would go into the institutionalizable grade of 空 a 空.... 8-O lol 8-X

Can't touch this...



So I though just now...

Ain't quite necessary entertaining it now since... 既是空,有什麼好想?  What is to think about since ain't no nothing to think about?! 8-O lol

Sidekicks

Since psychotic symptoms have the tendency to morph themselves into unsuspected forms, otherwise, I would not have gone back into the nut house for the third time last Valentine's day. ouch... Moreover, since I am my own instrument and the speed at which I change is dependent on the speed at which the conditions deteriate, it makes the instrument very unreliable....

In addition to observing the ordinary symptoms, you might also be able to identify trends that seem to co-occur when I eventual land on the institutionalizable grade of state.

Some common themes I have identified based on my experiences in days leading me towards the gated door in the cuckoo's nest or my experiences last fall when I should have been locked up while remaining at large.

1. Loosing weight
2. Talking more about abstract ideas such as 空 or things like... I don't know...
   
3. Feeling about being a monk... (not present at the onset)
4. Feeling that my whatever is opening up to a whatever that expands more and more... (can't quite pin point them whatever yet...)
   
5. Excessive thinking about the whatever-ness in life

Informed by these observations.... practice... try to be grounded when more of the above co-occur at the same time...

Chances are... these are but indicators idiosyncratic to me given my own clinical experiences.

Meaninglessness

My mama is very determined about my getting the US visa in the coming interview (as soon as the documentations arrive from New York).

I hope I could have her kind of belief that "they will give it to me."

Although I am not really the kind of person to be unconditionally positive about events I have no control over, some part of me... call it the psychotic part or the superstitious part... sort of feel that it was God's will that I did not get the Visa to go back to New York....

For.... shall I have gone back as planned in the end of June.... there would not have been the 英英美代子 era. I also would not have been able to curve up like a turtle or acquire the special talent to be bending-down walking involuntarily back and forth.

Then, earlier tonight, I had this feeling that... something is missing....

There is something I haven't learned or I haven't done... and it is this missing piece that is blocking me from moving forward.... for protective purpose. (OK... I told you that I am very well endowed with this thing called delusion.... and this surely sounds like delusion, not only in formation, but at present. 8-O lol Yet, shall it have the potential to be a wishful thinking, I'd rather it be a self-fulfilling prophecy... lol)

Then, earlier on, as I was facing the street having a smoke, I thought of the clips I uploaded today....

If not all, at least part of the movements I have engaged in... if one wishes, could be assign some kind of label... call it rat, tiger, dragon, bird style or anything else you want to...

Yet, these are or could be but movements... made possible by meaningless combinations of muscular contractions or extensions.

It is not necessary for there to be a meaning to it at all....

Just like... it is not necessary for all things to be meaningful in life---

It is OK for meaninglessness to exist and this is why I have to struggle so hard to understand what it means by 空.

(What an insight and a simple lesson that took me so many years to understand... and remember what I said about me and my insights... 8-O lol oops...)

Then, as my dad passed me by, he saw all the CDs I used to back up the hours and hours of clips I took when I swing....

He asked a question, "So many... What are you gonna do with them?"

Without hesitance I answered, "I don't know."

With or without meaning....

The blogs I kept and the thoughts I shared.... these videos...

Such mark the end of my 99.999999...% meaninglessness remark...

Stars

I must have mentioned this before many a time... yet, since it occurs to me again....

As you know, I am extremely well endowed with a lot of funny kinda abnormal experiences... including hearing voices, which are presented in verbal channel" and feeling "thoughts," which, I guess, are very much similar to what people might call "insight" and drawing from our prior knowledge.

It is not necessary for hallucinations and my overflowing "insights" to come hand in hand all the times. However, very often, when hearing my voices, those "I know" kind of feeling or "insights" kind of thing would pop up as a means to further interpret the contexts of my voices.


For instance, earlier this evening, I stood in the balcony, looking into the sky.

For the first time in this past 2 and half months, I saw stars clustering at a corner of the sky. It started from my spotting one only... then... two, three, four.... stars... or I realized that the stars finally spotted me. lol (I knew kind of feeling)

I saw them and they saw me. (I knew kind of feeling)

No soon longer did we spot each other.... raising from the bottom of my hear (sort of like the area of my chest) was this really feeling--- well, sort of feel like... I was really moved... touched by the sight of these stars.

Then, there was this feeling that something came up from my heart, came out from my mouth, and rose back up to them stars--- be it pressure, 氣, or whatever else...

I heard the stars to me speak... (or when listening to the voices I heard, I interpreted the words as coming out from the stars)

"You have been looking at the wrong thing. It is the stars you are looking for." (insinuating not that shiny planet)

"We have been guarding you, protecting you, and it has been us talking to you all these years." (the star related comments might have something to do with the theory that each 元神 is a star-- something already existing in my prior knowledge)

In addition, I also got this message that I have been receiving so very often that... life is about to change and it is about your time to shine. (here goes grandiosity and guess the concept of 空 was, then, instantly, oops... flew over the top of the roof.... and ego zuhause--- speaking of delusions and hallucinations as the honest manifestations of our subconsciousness... lol)

The following image appeared in my mind....



The following understanding, subsequently, surfaced..... the understanding of why I have been drawn to expressions concerning stars throughout all these years... such as the picture above and the expression "Stick you head in the sand and keep reach for the stars." This is why I kept on having the feeling that, in as much as I try to search for a purpose in life, I can't seem to be able to find it... It is because, there really is something, just it's not yet time till that point of the journey when the answer already in hand is bound to be understood. (e.g., The meaning of uselessness)

It could be like what the concept of the mental models to me... I might have thought that, the concept of mental models, I knew it... Except for, when the time is ready, I am faced with my own insufficient understanding of the concept when forced to honestly acknowledge my limited appreciation of the answer itself-- mental model it is. (See 英英美代子 and constructivist learning )

It also could be like the theory of preparation.... within which all things I have been through aim to prepare me for something.... except for it is dependent on me to get myself ready... for that big unknown I have been prepared for, and, believe it or not... it is not very easy to get yourself ready for something you have no inkling about. (see Preparations and Preparation: On 英英美代子)

(And, the above "understanding" appeared in the format of an insight shall you understand them run-on sentence).

Ok, I know I have gone on for a while now and let's get back to the initial title of stars.

Could you believe it... all the mumble jumble I 碎碎念 about which accounts for about 95% of this posting came from one simple event for the ordinary people and which could be described in one sentence.....

I saw some stars tonight.

Speaking of the multiple interpretations of the same artifacts..... and, guess this is why I have no time to publish scientificaly based research... (It's not me... It's my head... 8-O lol)

空 8-O

When I was stealing a smoke while the my torso shaking at its own will, it occurs to me...

Uhmmm... I have pondered thousands a time all the way into different nuts houses... what is 空...

All of a sudden, I came to the realization that... no longer do I have the need to ponder what it is... there is this thing I feel that I can not explain and describe and which could be what I might call 空..... be it real or not... be it temperal or not...

難道 one has to go into the direst end of 空空 (nuts) to reach a sense of 空?

To hell... 空空... 空空... lol

Preparation: On 英英美代子

If you were a master of chi-kong, especially, 自發功, you might feel offended by my calling my movements 英英美代子, rather than "自發功."

Yet, believe it or not, I could not stop wondering whether it is my 元神 that chose such naming... possibly having something to do with I have resisted all temptations to learn about "自發功"-- as per suggestion of my doctor.

Even though, finally, my doctor revealed to me the official label to my swinging activities, the only thing I know about the name "自發功" is the difficult kind of involuntary movements of my body when I enter into that vacuous state of my head and allow the body to move at its own will.

In this case, it doesn't really matter whether we assign the name 自發功 or 英英美代子 for both are but containers to the phenomena. For instance, if you do not read Chinese, how would it matter to you whether the correct labeling is the 3 character phrase or the 5 character phrase?

英英美代子, though, has some special meaning for me...

英英美代子 means more than one having too much time in one's hand and having nothing to do.

The state of "空" (according to my own interpretation of what 空 is like) is an essential component for my version of 英英美代子. It is because it is easier to let go of all controls when you 放空.

I once showed this acquaintance the clip of my arching my back.

She saw the clip and insisted that the doctor must have done something to me... her hypotheses were: 1) he must have add chi or energy to me body, 2) he must have hypnotized me somehow, or, 3) there must be some external forces present.

In addition, she told me that Chi Kong kind of thing would never work for her because she always has too many thoughts in her mind and even the masters of Chi-Kong have given up on her. Her thoughts are so proliferate that she has to use sleeping pills to fall asleep.

Being well endowed with my psychotic existence, I know well what it means to have thoughts building up and building up when all that you want is to fall asleep.

I, then, told her that... 放空 is nothing that comes natural...

Like the learning of all things else, 放空 is an art and it takes one to train oneself because, chances are, it is a state differing from one person to another, and, from one moment to the next.

There was a time, when I thought that 放空 means looking into the abyss and darkness, allowing no thoughts and fighting off all thoughts when my eyes were closed.

Then, I realized that, with my hallucinations in place, the attempt to keep all thoughts off might not be the right approach. I realized that, perhaps, what I had to learn was to allow all voices coming in and out as they will... Observe them if unavoidable but not react-- or not try to fight them off by building upon them... more thoughts.

The lady heard me but she did not really hear me.

She replied, "That's impossible."

I felt bad for her because I know how it feels.

(I know, at the sometime, that, I have had my share of sleeplessness while, in mind, no thoughts... In addition, it might be the antipsychotic meds that are actually making my strategies workable... 8-X lol)

In addition, I also realized that the conversation with her was as if a conversation with myself... at a different point of time, perhaps, and, hopefully...

Then, it was much recent when I rethought the idea of my life's preparation to reach the state I am in today.... be it good or bad or anywhere in between...

And, I could not shake this thought that...

Could my psychotic existence and my obsession about 空 be nothing but a preparation towards my state of 英英美代子?

Could the herniations, pains, and all else not classified but the preparation for me to get a taste of what 空 might be?

What else are they, together, intended to prepare me for? And--- could it be you?

假練功真發瘋

My encounter with the 氣 thing just kept on getting funnier and funnier…

If I had told you before that I had come to the true acceptance of my body moving itself… I lied…

Yet, I did not lie intentionally… rather it was an act of my own stupidity or ignorance since I did not know what it means to have my current level of acceptance about the things I have been experiencing, which could be vaguely classified as sensory hallucinations…. I guess… (and… well… to hell… )

Essentially, the swinging thing started to take on different forms…

It started from the Kong Fu kinda movements…. sometimes it felt as if I was 打拳 other times it felt like I was 戲雙劍 (playing with swards). At this stage, the motions were fairly slow.

Then, one night, I found my “mid-section” moving around in circle at a speedier and speedier rate to the extent that it was as if I was doing belly dancing… other times, it was almost like I was doing the “twist” (8-O)… and, still other times, it was almost like I was doing folk dancing--- swinging my two arms along with my body while walking to the front and back.

Later on, my body started to do this high-tech aerobatic kinda stuff… I would be standing on my two feet while my torso arching to the back till my posture would look like that of Neo in Matrix when he successfully dodged the bullets by arching his back backwards. Then, it was last night when, after that back arching position, my body would bring itself towards the front, bending forwards till my two palms could touch the floor.

The arching posture, interestingly, was something I had never been able to do in my ordinary days, before and after the injuries. Yet, the last time my body arched to such extend was when, after the injuries, I pulled my body again-- that night, I had the nerve pains shut up to my head from my lower back, and, woke up finding my left side half-paralyzed the second morning. In ER, they gave me a shot of the Tylenol thing to relax my mussels. Yet, my body could not stop twitching and arching to the extent that the nurse came to me, telling me to “cut it off” since they were not doing anything to me. (8-O think about those good old days… lol… sigh). Later, when I was getting ready to leave, my body continued to arch towards the back involuntarily… the posture was so high tech that these two ladies across the ER station had to ask me whether I was OK… while the only response I could give them was… “just doing some stretching…”

The speed involved in the belly dance type of movement as well as the whole arching plus bending thing are still movements I could not normally accomplish.

These movements could only be carried on, mysteriously, when I relax my thoughts and body, and, when I let go of the control over my movements.

Taking the psychopathological kind of perspective, I would be the first to think “psychosomatization” as the reason to the occurrence of these involuntary movements much too difficult to perform in either my pre-injury state or current state.

Yet, I guess, at a certain point, psychopathological labeling such as “psychosomatization” and “conversion disorder” started to cease carrying any meaning for me.

Perhaps, it is true that those labels are only as good as recycling bins--- all else not classified? Let’s throw in a psychopathological label in so that we do not have to deal with the problematic recovery.

There are so many more of the “perhaps” statements I could generate to populate this post…

Yet, I will leave you to be the creator of these ＂perhaps＂ statements because, other than I am getting ready to go night night, the only one thing that matters now is… as my doctor reminded me again today… “Does it help?”

The labeling of “psychosomatization” and “conversion disorder” apparently did not help. Otherwise I won’t be still here blogging about the road towards recovery.

Yet, call it “假練功真發瘋” (something I heard through my auditory hallucinations) or over-indulgence in psychotic symptoms… regardless what you think of it… for me… the 氣 thing… I know, at least, so far, it helps…

In addition, shall all but 空 at this point… how would it be my concern 瘋 or 不瘋？ lol 8-O (OK... time for my night time pills... lol)

God, Buddha or else?

The question of religion comes up once in a while like the waves hitting the shore….

It was back a few years ago when my mom became Christian while my dad remains to be whatever we have been throughout the time I could remember… some call it folk religion—a combination of Buddhism, Daoism, and many other different –isms.

What is my religious belief?—A question so many times I have been asked.

Anything, I guess--- So I responded so many a time— including science-ism, I figure…

So I saw my doctor again today, during our meeting, the topic of Religion emerged.

As I have commented before, according to the doctor himself, he is an atheist.

That leads me back to wonder about the degree of my religious belief… and what my beliefs are…

All these thoughts about 空 seems to go along that Buddhist line kind of thinking, not to mention all the conversations I have engaged in with Buddha and the disciples of Buddhism through my hallucinations, delusions etc.

Yet, don't I also communicate with God and actually used to pray for God to help me and guide me through all these times. My prayer often ended with comments (auditory hallucinations) such as “You are helped” or “You are guided each every step”(and no wonder they kept on guiding me into the nut house... lol)… Wouldn't that make me something like a Christian or Catholic?

It, then, occurred to me that… the night before I went into the cuckoo's nest for the second time, the time when I thought I was living through the apocalypse, where there was warfare, accidents, death, hatred and natural disasters, like, tsunamis, volcano explosions, earthquakes, flooding, and fires, everywhere… It was also a time of death for all forces sustaining order of nature—including Gods, spirits, ghosts, etc from all religions… and death itself I spoke with them all… from their moments of their ends to the point of their evaporation. Throughout these times of terror, there were 2 things I was told on how orders of nature could be restored--- “想好事,做好人” or “think good thoughts and be a good person (do good deeds)”-- in my delusions and hallucinations.

Since the contents of my delusions and hallucinations are the “involuntary” representation of my thoughts or unconsciousness, and, could not be altered voluntarily by me consciously, I highly suspect that such representations of that big huge delusional system that led to my institutionalization might be an actual presentation of a religious belief that--- I believe more than in God, Buddha, Tao-ist, Islamic, and Greek God…. I believe in them all. Although, I suspect that the real religious people will not really consider me as religious.

Or, could it be that, despite my frequent conversation with them all… I really have no religion?

Or, could it be that… for me, all that religion is about is--- “想好事,做好人” or “think good thoughts and be a good person (do good deeds)”?

In any case, regardless whether I am religious or not, I guess, at least... religious ideas do give me some thing or a lot of things to be hallucinating and delusional about..... adding some more colors to my boring life...

In any case, at least now I know, when comparing the second time I went into the Nuts House and the third time, in February this year--- both times involved the concept of death and harm done to my loved ones--- this round seems to be one of Mickey Mouse scale because it did not involve global disasters and suffering throughout the different levels of the worlds...

In addition, I just realized that, eventhough I do not have a green card, even my hallucinations and delusions are fairly global.... (ok.. a Taiwanese joke... lol)

Swing

I have been talking about that swinging thing I do day and night these past three weeks or so…

So I swing when I watch TV, I swing lying in bed waiting to fall asleep, I swing standing on the balcony overlooking the busiest streets of the East side in Taipei, and, I swing any other time in between whether I consciously pay my attention doing it.

When swinging, my mind bears no thoughts… not because no thought occurs in my airhead but because they come and go like ships passing in the sea… without a trace… how you might want to put it.

There was a time when I swing into a poetic moment--- ancient Chinese poem came out on its own from my mouth while my hands, legs, and other parts of my body moving towards their own preferred directions.

Many a time did I look into the world and the sky when swinging… many a time did I see colorful clouds above while, blue and white, in reality.

There were those other times when I closed my eyes while letting my body doing its own swinging thing… it was then when in the black background I saw and felt visions flashing through.

Of course, there were also voices… auditory hallucinations— perhaps reminding me to let go, to experiences 空 and many other things I am not even quite sure whether they entered my long term memory.

Therefore… ok… there were thoughts entering into my consciousness and the information processing.

Yet, in the pursuit of coming to a state of fuller recovery, I had to make a decision on what to do with all these experiences as well as what and how to interpret them.

The first thing I had to do was to decide whether I wanted to believe in my rehabilitation doctor—a western doctor using 氣 as the sole method to treatment--- no traction, to electric therapy, no heat therapy and no exercises.

Given the 臭頭多藥 nature of my condition and the remembrance of my past experiences his movements invoke, I decided to learn to believe his theory and methods.

However, the treatment he prescribed seemed to be far tougher than any other treatments I have received so far.

According to the doctor, the only way for the treatment to work is for me to accept my 元神 to come in and heal my body.

This has to be true acceptance because, even if I could lie to myself that I accept, I would still not accept my 元神, which has made me who I am so far, to come in and do work on me.

A bit later, either it was the doctor or my hallucinations brought up the topic of letting go or 放下… somewhere along the line, there came again this 空 thing that had driven me so 空空 as to go into the psychiatric wards.

The funny thing is that I am the one who still have this question of psychosomatization in my mind… to the extent that… I brought up the topic to the doctor that, “Could the much better recovery I observe in myself nowadays the proof of psychogenesis of my condition, manifested in the symptoms of psychosomatization?”

The doctor shook his head and said “no.”

I know, though, still, the psychosomatic hypothesis is still a thought I could not let go of….

The greatest irony I find in my headless swinging life is that… I am asked of nothing new, I do nothing new, I am required to learn nothing new…

Yet, it is the big great nothing-ly existence that requires me to deconstruct a majority part of my life—represented as my beliefs.

For instance, in our last meeting, the doctor made a comment like, “all that you have experienced is correct (real or not wrong).”

I responded with something like… “But it makes it so difficult because now I have to live in a life contradicting to all my previous beliefs.”

Yes, just when I am sort of getting a grip on how to live with the sensory kind of hallucinations that many of my psychiatrists haven’t heard reported before, now I am told that all those are not hallucinations and it is the acceptance of them that could help me heal while, in reality, it seems to help?

This puts me in a strange state… thinking why is it so difficult to be just ordinarily crazy because what I am feeling now is—not so much as losing ground—more like floating in the air without a ground to root (while I can’t stop wondering whether one should even bother about wanting to be grounded… 8-O)

(I guess, at this point, some might start wondering whether I need to go back to the New York Psychiatric Institute except for now I can’t even go back to the United States. lol)

Well…

Since I have no idea when I will come to true acceptance about my 元神, which is essentially myself…

Since my words are too limited to make you understand the experiences of mine….

Since the process is mine to go through and I don’t know what it could do for you…

I decided to put in writing today to share with you the dilemma I am facing in a swinging existence.

So they say… someone’s garbage is other’s resource and vice versa…. Hope there is something worth recycling… 8-O lol

At least, for me personally… and it just came to my attention that… either it is because the pains have gone down and the recovery in progress… I seem to have ceased to have the need for a, if not many, Why. (I guess all has been written down so please don't ask me why... lol)

空: 反觀諸己

I haven't done much in the past months other than eating, sleeping, watching TV and seeing doctors.

Unfortunately, in recent days, there seems to be something more I am asked of… from all different sources.

In the state of 空- 反觀諸己 or perform self-inspection.

My auditory hallucinations, the kind that gives me guidance, have been telling me to all things down and focus on answering the question (while I am still not quite sure what the question is and what the answer could be).

The way I interpret rehabilitation doctor's (the chi-kong one) comment is that it is by letting go of all things leading to conflicts would I be obey the laws of nature and heal. (Did I mention that he actually is a “western” medical doctor?)

My mama's preacher called to pray for me. In line with the above, he also mentioned that I shall relax and take it easy because it might be God's will that it is time for me to rest and rehab.

The biggest problem I have is that… I don't know what it means to be in a state of 空…

Is it a state without which I could think of nothing and feel bothered by nothing?

Or is it a state within which I accept the interference of all things while not being affected by it? Sort of like the time when I am about to fall asleep… different voices and different thoughts would float around in my head and disappear immediately?

I have long been told that the only way for me to move on is for me to come to a better understanding of 空…. not so that I could become a nun… rather, so that I could think and do the thing called self-inspection or 反觀諸己 for, I guess, my mind might have the tendency to be cluttered with thoughts.

And, perhaps, in a state of 空… however rare it occurs, we could let go of all our tendencies to fight and to control, to prove and to disprove as well.

We could say---

How beautiful is it that we once loved all that we love so strong and we could even go crazy for…

How amazing life is… now… all things said and done… now I will learn to let myself go…

It doesn't mean that I won't try again to apply for the Visa.

It doesn't mean I am going to stop looking for that American Husband to get me a green card.

It also doesn't have to mean that all I have loved is unloved.

It only means that… now I finally understand why I took down my Ratology blog and why I said some of the things in that blog.

Perhaps, it only means that… at times, the state of 空 seems to make it much easier to take acceptance and rejection and all things in between. It doesn't mean anything has to stop. It only means things just come and go… it is but natural.

Guess this is why I like only the first and last chapter of the Chinese Classic titled “紅樓夢”—nothing more than 假語村言.

(Or, perhaps I am but in the state of denial… Hi, Yo, the Department of Homeland Security of the United States, where else do you have an alien that would sacrifice her spine for the benefit of the American Urban Education? 8-O lol)

The day after... 叫春時段

The way I feel now is more or less like having to unwillingly depart from someone I love.

I woke up in the morning feeling all depressed and at a loss.

It is so sad.

I feel so miserable.

I heard this voice whisper in my heart--- I see no hope--- I want to die… 8-O

Nothing could cheer me up because I have been banned from my love.

I have no idea how my loved one is doing and I suspect that my loved one is doing just fine with or without me.

Who am I without my love--- I asked.

Who am I now I am out of work and income?

And… I am still paying rent in New York.

How am I going to move when I am in Taipei and my apartment is in New York?

Then, I checked my email… there are still people—American People in New York—who would love to see me back in New York… I thought…

That cheered me up a bit more…

Now I could think more—straight--…

Like what I write in the winter--- one day I will be back, my Upper West Side and you will still be my Upper West Side…

And, I took one of my morning pill—Zoloft…

That also helped…

Something will work… today is Saturday…

Let me make it through this weekend and deal with the aftershocks.

So I walked with my mom to the market.

I saw nice people on the street- going about with their everyday business— selling meat, vegetables, fruit and all the ordinary things.

I stood in front of a fruit stand, pointing at a donut peach---

“How much is it?” I asked.

“80 each.” The vender responded.

“Almost 3 dollars each.” I thought to myself.

“Are they from Taiwan?” I asked.

“Imported from the United States.” She answered.

I pointed the donut peaches to my mom… “We used to buy it from China Town.”

We came to a different fruit shop and mom saw some nectarines.

“Do you want me to buy some for you?” Mama asked.

“They are imported. We got a lot of them in the States.”

“We?” I thought to myself… Who are we?

I can't even land the soil to move my stuffs out of my apartment now and I am still using the word we?

And yet, today, I could only see them imported…

It is a really funny feeling…

It is as if I just break up with my loved one and still unconsciously thought we are together…

On our way back from the market, I saw a nun….

The sight of the nun made me feel… sort of like… envious…

That thought I had been fighting against came back again… that thought of 入空門 (although 既空何有門) resurrected again…

Yet, this voice came up to me saying something like…

“that's not for you. It would be like taking a short-cut from what life asks of you. In addition, would it just be the “someone else’s garden is greener” kinda phenomena?”

At some point, it doesn't bother me anymore…

I might have heard some voices telling me that… this is God's will to kick you out of your long-standing position of being in that state of limbo.

I might have thought that now I could accept the inevitable departure.

I might have even joked with my mama about paying some American guy to be my Green Card husband.

I might have come to the realization that… perhaps, green card is like that doctoral degree or those guys whom I never went out with… it has more to do with what I don't have rather than why I don't have it.

I might have had many many more thoughts here and there in between.

At some point, this sense of sorrow and emptiness overcame me again…

It is the kind of sorrow you have remembering the times past—those good and bad times you have shared with your loved one.

It is the kind of emptiness you experience when pondering what it would be like to continue living a life without your loved one.

It is sad…. Very sad.

So I sat down on the sofa, turned on the TV and did some channel surfing.

I can’t even bear watching TV…

It hurts even more when I encounter programs I used to watch in New York…

All the shows on TV reminded me of the old times… now the time has changed.

So I sadly surfed from one channel to the other… feeling desolated and deserted… and, eventually, that small voice came out whispering again…. Such heart ache… how could I continue to live without you…

Then, I realized that the TV programs could not even catch my attention.

I came back to the computer, for the second time this evening, trying to draft something down…. about what it feels like to lose one's love…

在劫難逃 I

Adhering the 臭頭多藥 principle, I went with my dad to a 媽祖廟 to get some advices from 媽祖 via the designated medium.

The last time I came to this temple which is on the 31st floor of a high-rise in Taipei, 三太子 told us to go back home to pay respects to our ancestors. 三太子 also indicated that the prolonged recovery has something to do with a prank played by my ancestors—although it is 天機不可洩露—which one of my ancestors is at fault.

Coming out from the temple and on our way home, my dad asked me this question, which I had asked myself gazillion times more, “Would things have been different should you have gone straight to work right after college and not have studied so much more?”

Without any deliberation, the following response came right out of my mouth, “No. It wouldn't make any difference. It's 在劫難逃.” Sort of like 跑得了和尚跑不了廟 while the “廟” represents the general destiny of mine and 和尚 represents how I choose to live my life. (Hope it makes sense to you.)

Regardless whether I believe in God(s), it is a strange thought that my ancestors would play a prank like such--- rendering me so very retarded in the progress of recovery.

Then, this thought came up to me…

Since it is 在劫難逃 or something bad is destined to happen, my ancestors might have tried to help me by allowing the lesser evil to occur.

I chose to believe in such rationale while my dad did not want to buy it.

After paying respects to our ancestors, dad took me back to the temple again today.

They sat me by the alter next to the medium who relays messages from 媽祖 today.

Following are some of the conversation I had with 媽祖 through the medium although I do not recall all of the conversation and some part of it I might have misunderstood given that the medium was speaking really fast in Taiwanese (exceeding my proficiency level I guess… 8-X).

Of course, we started the session with a brief introduction… “I was in a meeting at work. The chair collapsed under me, I fell in sitting position, and, the recovery is extremely slow when comparing to the others.”

"You know this will have repercussion through your entire life.” So said the medium relaying 媽祖's words (from now on I will simply state 媽祖).

“I know.” (I really do know based on all the things I have learned so far about the spinal kind of problem and the collateral damages to internal organ, according to the Eastern medicine. In addition, wasn't the job I lost as a result of my inability to work part of the collateral damage of the accident?)

“You know?” 媽祖 looked at me with surprise and asked again to reconfirm whether I really meant what I said.

“Yes, I know.”

“You know there is a reason why the chair collapsed under you but not others?” 媽祖 said.

“It is your 劫數 for your 業障.” 媽祖 added.

“What bad thing have I done in my life so far to deserve such experiences?” I asked.

“It was your past life.” 媽祖 said.

“You made a wish to help, contribute and educate as many people as possible.” 媽祖 added.

“I did make a wish to help, contribute and educate as many people as possible.” So I replied.

“I am speaking of your past life.” 媽祖 laughed.

“I am talking about this life.” I replied, sort of confused by my cross-incarnation long anal retentiveness in helping the others…

Apparently, in my past life, I was once a monk and/or once a nun. I made the 菩薩願 to help, contribute and educate as many people as possible.

“If I were a monk, how would I accumulate such much業障—only could be repaid by all my conditions?” I was confused again.

“It was the sin of being jealous—the jealousy about other people being better than you and amounting more than you could amount to…. The jealousy led you to be in others’ way and that's how you got your 業障” 媽祖 replied.

“So, what could I do?”

“Basically, you will need to seek both Western and Eastern medical attentions as well as do good deeds by fulfilling the wish-菩薩願- you have made to help and educate as many people as possible. Your condition will get better within a year or more. However, the speed of your recovery is dependent on your fulfillment of the wish.” 媽祖 elaborated.

媽祖 might have also mentioned it to be a road sort of bumpy to lead…

At this point, I sort of felt victimized by either my past life or karma…

“Why on earth did I make that 菩薩願 in my past life?” I asked this question, thinking to myself… isn't it already difficult enough to be human? Why on earth did I want to be 菩薩?

Thereafter, the medium wrote down some words on the glass table and painted 7 符咒 for me.

I was also instructed to chant 楞嚴咒 because it would be helpful in enlightening my airhead.

The concept of my having been in空門 as a monk or nun seems to make sense for much of my delusional thinking and hallucinations.

At some point, I asked 媽祖 this question with the highest degree of sincerity, “Is this because I was a monk before that I can't stop thinking about 空 to the extent of being 空空 (sort of like "crazy" in English)?”

媽祖 laughed again and responded, “chant 楞嚴咒 and it will help you see 空 in a different capacity.”

On our way back home, I felt a great sense of relief and I told my dad how I felt.

“You feel a sense of relief?” My dad didn't quite understand.

I told him, “Because the conversation with 媽祖today gives me a different perspective to understand my mental and physical condition—or some of the greatest puzzles I have found in my life so far.”

I went to my dentist later in the evening after missing the appointment earlier in the day due to me still in line waiting to communicate with 媽祖.

The dentist asked me when I was on the dentist’ chair, “Do you have 媽祖 temple in New York?”

I responded, “I don't know. Maybe in China Town. But, I frequent cathedrals and churches more often since there are more of them.”

“Then, would 媽祖 be able to take care when you are so far away?” My dentist commented while he started to work on the root canal for my dear bad tooth while me thinking in my head ... “Interesting thoughts.”

It was not until much later did I realize that… it doesn't really matter… or it doesn't matter....

The matter of the fact is that…

On any ordinary day, I hear voices, senses thoughts and communicate with God know’s what…

The matter of the fact is that…

At least, the communications that had carried on between 媽祖 and I or 三太子 and I are much normal since there are other people hearing the medium's voices and the delivered thoughts (as opposed to having my own head as the medium and recipient of the message 8-X).

And, if people by the alter find my interactions with the Gods a bit too weird (sort of like casual conversation with a neighbor), the answer is simple…. It is my everyday living context to be communicating with Gods or all else not classified… whether you or I believe it or not…

----as long as no one is hurt by it and no harm on no one is done....

Sunny but windy

It is sunny outside today but really windy.

I think it sort of reflects my state of mind.

I can't help smiling especially under the sun.... sunshine is always good for me.

I can't help thinking like an old monk in the mountain... if you know what I mean... Yet, in the back of my head, I know it is not yet my time to see the world and life through the eyes of Mr. Monk because such worldview is not developmentally appropriate for a 36-year old--- such is crying out loud for the wind of change...

This is one thing I tried to address with my shrink today.

Then, later in the day, I asked myself... so what do people in their 30s and 40s thinking about?

I try to look inside of my own head and I find air and nothing more... 8-O lol

I looked at people around me and they all seem to be very enthusiastic about things... and I asked myself this question...

It was an intensive life skill learning process for me to reach this strange state of mind--- 空.

Since it is not yet my time to return to the mountains, I need to find my way back to be a 36-year old... with desire, goals and all else unidentified, within the range of moderation.

Also, the reason why it is not yet might time to further dwell in the 空空 state of mind is because I haven't gotten enough of the life's wisdom to help me understand what this state entails... and half-understanding might lead one to go into the state of "the shine" (8-O lol).

In addition, as I have mentioned in my Ratology-Down with Meds blog in the posting 好了歌

世人都曉神仙好
唯有父母姊妺親朋好友
及泛泛紅塵忘不了
人都作不好
當神仙又有何了
送君千里終一別
至少我會伴你瀟瀟灑灑的走一回
這也沒什麼不好
就算成不了事
最少伴你到我作古去了 8-O lol

So, through out the day, I try to figure out what I could do to reenter that "dasein" of a 36-year old and to put the 空空 state of mind on the shelf (while within reachable distance)...

I come up with the idea that... OK... I am going to start taking my mama bar hopping with me... lol

Boring

I think it is very boring to be good.

I have only been good for a couple of weeks now and I am already getting bored.

At the same time, recently, I am absolutely engulfed in that 空空 kinda 情薀... wondering what it be like to elope into the mountains, become like those monks in Shoaling mountain in the marshal art films, growing my own fruit and veggies. (Then, it did occur to me my hideout should be where the temperature is warm and pharmacy not too far to get my drug. In addition, I still gotta somehow have funds to allow me to pay for high speed Internet connection, cable, electricity and telephone. 8-O lol)

Then, it occurs to me that...

Already getting bored after less than 2 months, being good might not really be my department while I see no intrinsic motivation to push myself to master the art of it... lol