SOS --- Help needed to publish my four books

All four books are done and what I need to do is to get them published and distributed.

It's imposing far more stress than I can handle especially after mom passed away and my head condition exacerbated.

Send me an angel ... whatever there is.

What to do about mama

Mama's been gone since March 11th this year. However, there is never a day when I do not hear her speaking to me and feel her presence.

The "symptoms" ironically sooth and support me, who was already broken apart when she was still in the vegetative state in ICU.

I spoke with my shrink last week about accepting the BIG NO NO--believing that mama is my guardian angel and is holding this broken piece of junk together.

What might turn out? Time will tell.

My Mama

My mom passed away on 3/11 due to ich and the collateral damages-- psychotic symptoms.

It is a long story. In short, I was to trash all four books. She, in a vegetative state, happened to squeeze my hands twice and I took it as a sign.

The story of her psychosis et. al. turned to be the end of my onset book.

Can't stop missing her.

Stuck at meta-psychosis - Here I Go Again

I have been stuck at the notion of meta-psychosis for many days.

Something tells me that what I have written is still crap.

I need to find more evidence for the occurrence of meta-psychosis.

As a result,







Plowing through the dungeon of my own words, wishing for the mercy of the yester-me's to lead me an easy way to whatever could be a proof of meta-psychosis.

The story of my life ... here I go again ... digging through the end of DWM one post after another.

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

Latuda

After switching to Solian from Seroquel for months, I am switching from Solian to Latuda again because Solian makes me cognitively even more constipated. This is no good since I have 2-3 hours available per day to use this head.

Today is the first day for me to go on Latuda. Had an early dinner and I took Latuda with my meal. Thereafter, I found myself more restless and keeping wanting to move. Guess that's the side effect.

How I hate dosage adjusting and switching drugs. sigh

Keep my fingers crossed. :-X

619 Anniversary

The day I felt free from the collapsed chair was in NYC time 1-2 o'clock in the afternoon on June 19th. Interestingly, it was already June 20th in Taipei due to the around 12 hour or so time difference.

Today, I am still a handicap with invisible disabilities and burning candles at two ends trying to kick myself kicking at large.

So, this sleepwalker with Johnny Walker Green celebrated the anniversary!

My spare tire

This spare tire of mine simply refuse to leave me along.

Someone was about to ask me how many month pregnant the other day.
I replied, "I am just fat. Not pregnant."  lol

Honestly speaking, my middle section had never gone this far. Since it started around the time I start to switch to Solian, it makes me wonder.

Pain

Rereading my psychotic model about my own psychosis. I don't know where I got the stamina to come up with all them mumble jumble. It's painful enough to read and gives me a headache.

Speaking of pain, it must be really painful to cut the ear off. Ouch.

A self-portrait of Van Gogh.

Solian

The physical side effect of my dear Seroquel was really getting on my nerves, literally, and made my body jerking, twitching, etc.

So my psychiatrist add Solian to the cocktail. After experimenting for weeks, nothing traumatically tragic took place and physical side effects weren't as bad as they were used to be. As a result, I switched to Solian and Solian only.

During the time with Solian diet only, I also had nights with a reckless body stopping me from falling asleep. Already showing. Sigh.

Regardless, this is a new med and it would take some more time to see its longer term impact and side effects.

Dream

A beautiful dream I had today--I could work like everyone else.

After waking up, I could still feel what it was like being employeed and going about with my ordinary chore.

Half awaken, that dream remained enchanting and calmed me with joy and blissfulness.

More awaken, I saw the reality--a mental and physical handicapped left with just enough to be functional for 2-3 hours a day.

The image came to my mind when Vincent threw himself on the bed, "Why can't I be like them?" :-X

Ratology Reloaded: 10-pill night

Ratology Reloaded: 10-pill night: I am sick and tired of taking 9 pills every night and I can't stand it any more. As a result, I took 10 pills with Solian the alternative...

Actually, now there are about 16 or 17 pills to take night time. I have do it methodologically so as to not get lost in the sea of Meds. :'-D

10-pill night

I am sick and tired of taking 9 pills every night and I can't stand it any more. As a result, I took 10 pills with Solian the alternative antipsychotic.

Tomorrow and the week ahead will be the time to judge whether Solian could help with my psychotic symptoms.

Red Red Wine

Strange things are so common in my domain that they are but part of the baseline model for my everyday life. However, something exceptionally weird took place today and really caught more than my eyes.

I think I was reaching for my wine and the next thing I found was that my right hand pushed down the pint of water while the left, my wine glass.

In addition to the usual suspect called that chip in my head, there might be something pretty fucked-up neurologically. (Oops, pardon me for my language.)

Heat: Ratprincess' psychotic model 2013 and Happy New Ye...

Throughout the years, I have become ever more intolerant to heat. The threshold of getting overheated today has dropped down to around 26-27 degree Celsius.

If exposed to "too much" heat, my entire constitution becomes flaky, feeling like the system was to break down any moment. I have to ship my behind to an AC-ed environment, getting myself refrigerated like some dairy product. In one extreme case, my body didn't start sweating until almost 20 minutes after I entered an AC-ed environment. Yes, sweating is only the beginning of a journey to get myselves back to be normally fucked up... "Oh, paradiso."

This extra minor inconvenience in life called heat makes it a bit more cumbersome to maintain myselves to be functional for about 2-3 hours a day.  Well, what else could I do? Live with it.

Then, earlier on, I realized that I missed two events two days in a roll in my event-less life.

"Did I miss the gathering to get drunk last Saturday?" I exclaimed to myselves and the tofu inside the head froze in the aftershock.

The stillness of the silent freeze was broken by this fleeting thunder of quantum coherence and somewhere on that vibrating tofu my psychotic model waved at me, "Bull's eye!"

Even more limited has been my limited capacity when "Not otherwise specified" soundered. (See page 17 in the linked file.)

Ratology Reloaded: Ratprincess' psychotic model 2013 and Happy New Ye...: I have been talking about this book I have been working on.  Unfortunately, not too many a person has seen the ghost of it, not to mention ...

10-year anniversary for my absolutely unheroic whatever disabling accident

Escaped was my graviton, hypothetically, 10 years ago when a chair collapsed under my big fat butt.

It was on June 19th 2007 in NYC and already June 20th in Taipei. It ain't no nothing to celebrate about though give me a great excuse to drink up in the company of Absinthe and more.

Salute! À Votre Santé und carpe diem!

Day of Remembrance

Today is the Day of Remembrance for NASA's heroes.

https://www.nasa.gov/specials/dor2017/

It is 2:00 AM on February 1st in Taiwan while most places on this planet are still on Jan. 31st.

While I am not sure which day the official Day of Remembrance is, it doesn't matter because they are remembered everyday.

In the morning of February 1st, 2003, I was on the 8th floor of St. Luke's Hospital recovering from reverting the world back from Apocalypses one to many times. Then, we heard from TV that Houston had lost contact with the Columbia Shuttle.

In my world of alternative reality, I looked down at St. John whose top was blanketed with snow. I asked for help.

I tried to channel with whoever I could connect with on board of Columbia. I try to keep the connection open.

So the line was kept open and I tried my best to engage conversations with them and encourage them too pull it through.

"Hang in there. Try to hang in there. The search and help was on the way." I pleaded.

Time passed and the official statement was finally released on TV.

Debris were found but there was no trace of survival though the search would continue.

My pal on the other side of the line bid me farewell, "Now I have to go."

I could bring the world back from the apocalypses but there was nothing I could do to save the astronauts on the Columbia Shuttle.

"I am sorry. I am sorry. I couldn't be of more help."

One life. At last one life. That was what I asked for.

I knew. They might have a chance and the sad ending could be reverted if I wasn't so weak.

That day, concern and worry was on all my ward mates' face though there was no telling what was in their minds.

14 years later today, I grieved for these astronauts, those who I try to help saving, the same way I did when the communication channel dropped on the day of the accident.

Do I know now that the astronauts had no inkling who I was and am? Yes.

Do I know that I was a telepathic delusional with hallucination? Yes.

Albeit with all the insights, my regrets still get the best of me for one simple reason--it was life lived for me: a traumatic failure to bring them back safely.

My wish list for Santa

Today I came across this open source article with a glee. The inception of the study, the Northern Finland Birth Cohort 1966, is actually older than me--absolutely some rare (or the first of its kind) and hard to conduct longitudinal study.  8-O

As Santa is flying around delivering Christmas gift for the night, this would be the items on my wish list.

Let there be more studies alike and let people gain knowledge from sources alike.

Longitudinal studies don't come to fruition in one day though you might eventually get there if you take the first step .. like ... today.

Lifetime antipsychotic medication and cognitive performance in schizophrenia at age 43 years in a general population birth cohort: This naturalistic study analysed the association between cumulative lifetime antipsychotic dose and cognition in schizophrenia after an average of 16.5 years of illness. Sixty participants with schizophrenia and 191 controls from the Northern Finland Birth Cohort 1966 were assessed at age 43 years with a neurocognitive test battery. Cumulative lifetime antipsychotic dose-years were collected from medical records and interviews. The association between antipsychotic dose-years and a cognitive composite score based on principal component analysis was analysed using linear regression.

Science or STEM is very important

My head is wacko and I bow in front of the mental God.

One principle in my life is to entertain no nothing supernatural--especially I talk with God or Gods everyday and channeling with whatever I could channel with all the times.

Red alert! Add meds! You'd say.

I don't know that? I do. Except side effects kill me as much as the symptoms themselves. Catch 22.

After 2-3, whatever, years of daily writing and rewriting for the rewrite of the original book completed with far too many words in a volume, I finally dragged myself to the final chapter.

Then, suddenly, stop was the command issued by my cuckoo head.

I dived into the sea of natural science for the layperson ... astronomy, particle physics, neuroscience, etc.

Why does a layperson forsake the comfort of familiarity and step into the foreign domains?

My crazy head told me there were at least two reasons ....

I sound like a broken record to myself because I can come up with no nothing new with what's in my bandwidth. Learn something fundamentally new just as what some, if any, will do when reading my psychotic model book.

More importantly, time to be really grounded. Since the catch 22 is blatantly laughing at me in my face, science is where I have to ground myself so that I don't get pulled into the gravity free world of my alternative reality.

Yes.

Science or STEM is very important whether it has anything to do with what you do for a living or not.

(Come to think about it, what do I do for a living? lol)

Let there be cure please!

It always saddens me to see or hear people going through ever worsening psychotic episodes.

Though I am and have tried my best with limited my words, I know what I have done so far is so--simply nothing.

I had tried to let someone going through the onset know that the scary crowd that wouldn't stop judging her, what she was experiencing, didn't exist outside her reality. But it didn't help and it simply had to flow through its natural course.

I have heard of stories many a time... stories of how people didn't make it through a major episode (with my empirically tested guess). In their stories I would see the ghost of my past and life in the present.

How I wish to build a great wall to stop people from traversing the same path--the same unnecessarily inconvenient path I have to traverse. Unfortunately, the great wall I attempted to build could help no one for they would simply walk right through it--the invisible wall as I shout out loud on the other side, "Don't do it."

How else could I help people? As an individual, the alternatives are close to none ... with the "close to" the outcome of the build-in error in assessments.

So I figure ... if there is nothing to stop them from crossing over, whatever might be upstairs, let there be cure ... soon (as the real effective dosage in my treatment now is giving me more side effects than my body can handle).

My best wishes to those also undergo similar minor inconveniences in life--wherever you are.

Detour to Hubble Telescope et al--A reflection

For the past few months, my cuckoo head had decided to turn my head on the big world outside the earth.

Honestly, I know about the eclipses and stuff because that was the content used for my dissertation study.  Since the joint college entrance exam didn't include the subject of planetary science and astronomy, that third year class in senior high school was taken lightly. Also, I haven't touched physics after the joint college entrance exam.

So instead of finishing the final chapter of my book, my head told me, "You ain't got enough meat."

So it demanded and demands and so I went from looking at the pretty picture taken by Grandpa Hubble (Grandpa as in my grandpa Canon) to learning about how Grandpa sees the big out there and how what is seen is captured.

En route, I read a 400-page book about the basics of optics in astronomy, sat in a course on "Fourier Transformation and its applications," revisited my calculus textbook, found myself even more lectures online, and spent a whole lot of time on the Hubble Site.

Then, I found pictures comparing Grandpa's eyesight before and after the spherical aberration thing was fixed and upgrading from WFPC 1 to WFPC 2. There were comparisons of galaxies, star clusters, and so on. But, I had my mind a mission of completing a comparison for one star--Melnick 34 or MK 34.

I chose MK 34 because of the inclusion of an image taken by a ground-based telescope. There was ground, WFPC 1 and WFPC 2 images. All I had to do was to find an image of MK 34 taken by WFPC 3. Seemed simple enough.

Unfortunately, nobody seemed to be so intrigued by MK 34 since the time of WFPC3. Rather, the spot light was on the giant bright cluster near by R136 or the runaway star but not on our poor MK 34.

MK 34 is the bright isolated star to the left of the R136 cluster in the righthand panel. (As per Wikipedia)

 I should have found an easier topic. In contrast to a galaxy, star cluster, or nebula, it is far more difficult to identify one star among gazillions of God knows who they are.

In short, I went online asking around and the feedback helped me to nail MK 34 (circled in red).

This, then, allowed me to complete the revolution of MK 34 in the eyes of the beholder.

Comparison of MK 34--ground based observation, WFPC 1, WFPC 2, and WFPC 3 (IR on the left and UV, visible light, IR on the right)

Some time into learning how Hubble sees and captures what we see, I thought of the analog between my pursuit of capturing the dasein of psychosis in words. There is something similar. Unfortunately, time to sign off for my very long beauty sleep.