Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Garbage in- garbage out

I talked about garbage in and garbage out...

Why posting continues?

Still wish I guess... useless my words... somehow... somebody else utilities to find?

To be honest... I don't know... since, I guess... once words out... they don't really have anything to do with me anymore... back to memory dump... I guess? 8-O lol

Job

Had to think of the whole higher power thing around this season.... for fear of the development of "magical thinking"....

The matter of the fact... I have to wonder whether it would have been possible to hold a job in the states I have been in....

They taught us about occupational therapy in class and they let us do craft work in the hospital. I like doing the wood stuffs as well as putting beads in thread...

So they say... we need to help them people find work and hold a job because it is good for them.

I think it is good for me too since it gives me something to do with whatever I am left of and provides structure to life.

At the same time, although I never want to use it as a crutch, recently I am allowing myself to entertain this idea...

Regardless... how on earth has it been possible for me to still have a job-- physically handicapped, cognitively constipated and affectively disabled? 8-O 8-X lol sigh

Although I drive people crazy and people drive me up the wall, perhaps I owe my-- what you call--- sanity to the job....

Maybe God or whatever it is is benign after all?

And, of course, above and beyond the contribution of loving people....

Rule

Have been wondering about production systems...

There exist rules and rules are to be abide.

Have been observing myself operating by the rules... Getting myself more work but by the rules...

Rules to be obeyed only when overruled.

By the rules.... then I thought of something that came into my mind yesterday....

Reminding me of them research concerning how immigrant families seem to cling more to their culture background...

Structure and the rules....

No truer words

Was speaking of my migration from reading 2-3 words at a time to about 5....

So I heard myself said...

"If it were me before, I would have said... 'Move your fat ass and try some more.... What do you mean reading 2-3 words...'"

Can't blame myselfs....

Envious maybe... for ignorance is a bless and God bless me with ignorance please while spare me with common sense....

No truer words regardless which words.

On a second thought... more accurately... I should have used "big fat lazy ass" instead... 8-O lol

Old songs

OMG... Love 38 special, Dire straights, moody blues et al....

Beauty... beauty could make you move and make you cry.... man...

Sidekicks

Since psychotic symptoms have the tendency to morph themselves into unsuspected forms, otherwise, I would not have gone back into the nut house for the third time last Valentine's day. ouch... Moreover, since I am my own instrument and the speed at which I change is dependent on the speed at which the conditions deteriate, it makes the instrument very unreliable....

In addition to observing the ordinary symptoms, you might also be able to identify trends that seem to co-occur when I eventual land on the institutionalizable grade of state.

Some common themes I have identified based on my experiences in days leading me towards the gated door in the cuckoo's nest or my experiences last fall when I should have been locked up while remaining at large.

  1. Loosing weight
  2. Talking more about abstract ideas such as or things like... I don't know...
  3. Feeling about being a monk... (not present at the onset)
  4. Feeling that my whatever is opening up to a whatever that expands more and more... (can't quite pin point them whatever yet...)
  5. Excessive thinking about the whatever-ness in life

Informed by these observations.... practice... try to be grounded when more of the above co-occur at the same time...

Chances are... these are but indicators idiosyncratic to me given my own clinical experiences.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Head

It is very important to be healthy....

So you try to observe things and find correlations although correlations are not causation...

Now I could use my head to do things such as reading and thinking... it makes me feel really happy...

The problem...

It appears as if the use of my head, unfortunately, makes the occurrences of positive symptoms more frequent....

It is also as if... when I leave my head along, the observations of positive symptoms also lower....

So... now... you know have the choice to use your head to do more when access is granted...

However, you also have to make sure the symptoms are under control.... provided this half-baked theory you build up about the correlation mentioned above... regardless its validity....

This is a catch 22...

To use your head or not to use your head...

Or more accurately, how do you make the best use of your head while not risking loosing your head?

At the current point, it is as if my head still has this build-in mechanism to shut itself down for maintenance purpose.... It tells me to do things which would appear to be a waste of my life and it tells me when to get on with some more constructive work. It has its own rule and, even if you try to defy it, you don't really get too far.... (which sometimes would make me wonder whether this is the "neighbor's dog tell me to do it" kind of phenomena. 8-O 8-X)

In addition, it seems like I still have sufficient amount of ability to dissociate myself from the symptoms.

At times, it feels as if what I am going through is to learn to live with mes.... as if it is an internship with tasks at higher levels of difficulties gradually get unlocked upon the appropriate level of my attainment.... 8-O lol 8-X

At this state, it feels as if the lesson to learn is to learn to find a balance.... the line just keep on getting finer... and... I need to learn the art of balancing...

If only there exist a class or even a manual..... codified rules to follow.... Give me the science for artistic I have never been.... If only the lesson plans are based on information delivery model rather than the constructivist, if not constructionist, approach....

And, sometimes you ponder... I didn't even register for the class and pay the tuition.... Why are you making me learn? 8-O 8-X lol sigh

And, even if all of the above deemed nonsense.... one point stands true in this post... health is of vital importance.

Songs

Some nice songs from teenage...




And... Climie Fisher... sure sounds like George Michael.....

LL Cool J... as well... oh... so sweet.... except for... man... he's married with children.... 8-O lol

"I Need Love"

When I'm alone in my room sometimes I stare at the wall
and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call
Telling me I need a girl who's as sweet as a dove
for the first time in my life, I see I need love
There I was giggling about the games
that I had played with many hearts, and I'm not saying no names
Then the thought occured, tear drops made my eyes burn
as I said to myself look what you've done to her
I can feel it inside, I can't explain how it feels
all I know is that I'll never dish another raw deal
Playing make believe pretending that I'm true
holding in my laugh as I say that I love you
Saying amor kissing you on the ear
whispering I love you and I'll always be here
Although I often reminsce I can't believe that I found
a desire for true love floating around
Inside my soul because my soul is cold
one half of me deserves to be this way till I'm old
But the other half needs affection and joy
and the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy
I need love
I need love

Romance sheer delight how sweet
I gotta find me a girl to make my life complete
You can scratch my back, we'll get cozy and huddle
I'll lay down my jacket so you can walk over a puddle
I'll give you a rose, pull out your chair before we eat
kiss you on the cheek and say ooh girl you're so sweet
It's deja vu whenever I'm with you
I could go on forever telling you what I do
But where you at you're neither here or there
I swear I can't find you anywhere
Damn sure you ain't in my closet, or under my rug
this love search is really making me bug
And if you know who you are why don't you make yourself seen
take the chance with my love and you'll find out what I mean
Fantasy's can run but they can't hide
and when I find you I'm gon' pour all my love inside
I need love
I need love

I wanna kiss you hold you never scold you just love you
suck on you neck, caress you and rub you
Grind moan and never be alone
if you're not standing next to me you're on the phone
Can't you hear it in my voice, I need love bad
I've got money but love's something I've never had
I need your ruby red lips sweet face and all
I love you more than a man who's 10 feet tall
I'd watch the sunrise in your eyes
we're so in love when we hug we become paralyzed
Our bodies explode in ecstasy unreal
you're as soft as a pillow and I'm as hard as steel
It's like a dream land, I can't lie I never been there
maybe this is an experience that me and you can share
Clean and unsoiled yet sweaty and wet
I swear to you this is something that I'll never forget
I need love
I need love

See what I mean I've changed I'm no longer
a play boy on the run I need something that's stronger
Friendship, trust honor respect admiration
this whole experience has been such a revelation
It's taught me love and how to be a real man
to always be considerate and do all I can
Protect you you're my lady and you mean so much
my body tingles all over from the slightest touch
Of your hand and understand I'll be frozen in time
till we meet face to face and you tell me you're mine
If I find you girl I swear I'll be a good man
I'm not gonna leave it in destiny's hands
I can't sit and wait for my princess to arrive
I gotta struggle and fight to keep my dream alive
I'll search the whole world for that special girl
when I finally find you watch our love unfurl
I need love
I need love

Girl, listen to me
When I be sittin in my room all alone, staring at the wall
fantasies, they go through my mind
And I've come to realize that I need true love
and if you wanna give it to me girl make yourself seen
I'll be waiting
I love you

Head works

The head is working and telling me to start searching for literature on the implementation of instructional technologies at 3:00 o'clock. 8-O lol sigh

First word

I love looking at doggies or cats or pegions or etc..

Most of them seem happy, content and all mindful (although still not quite sure what mindfulness means...)

It is very nice.

You stare at them and you feel as if you have become them....

Reminding me time and again about mirror neurons....

So clear seem to be their thoughts...

Then, you ponder... how do they experience their thoughts? In words? How do they experience words?

Then, one more useless thought comes up....

Human have many words...

What it be like to experience the first words if not thought or vice versa?

Do thoughts come before words or words before thoughts--- eons ago.... the very first?

Dasein

Was pondering about the purpose of the typing if not writing...

At this stage, it ain't no nothing more than an attempt to capture the dasein moments....

Yet, it never seems to be sufficient...

You try to describe it.

Yet, you are confined by words...




You could only go so far with words... regardless how many or how few words you have been granted...

You try.

But dasein stands still by itself... even captivate can't have it captured...

You ponder about its intent... its reaction to your ruthless efforts... whether it is smearing at you or whether it pities you for your useless effort as a headless chicken.... the unbearable headless-chicken-ness in life....

Or all it does is standing there...

You are your own headless chicken....

On a second thought... limited are words while words limited.... 8-O lol sigh

Would it make a different shall there be unlimited words?

Your smile

Someday you feel tired... you wonder whether you could make it through...

And, at that point, you hear this song playing in your head... repeatedly....

And, you say to yourself... Let me go out to face the world.... and get some smiles....

Then, you come out of the dasein moment... the tragic... the struggle... the whole world closing in... and the blah blah blah....

And, you ponder... through what?



When I see you smile

Sometimes I wonder
How I'd ever make it through,
Through this world without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue

'Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me,
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach for me

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you, baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

When I see you smile
I can face the world, oh oh,
you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light, oh oh,
I see it shining right through the rain
When I see you smile
Oh yeah, baby when I see you smile at me

Baby there's nothing in this world
that could ever do
What a touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew

And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it,
'cause you're here with me now
And one look at you baby
Is all I'll ever need,
you're all I'll ever need

Chorus

Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in,
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright,
everything's alright

Granted

I am not the first person to think of it.

I will not be the first person to wonder about it.

It has been so much better articulated.

But...

At times, when in no thoughts, a thought occurs...

At that encounter, you ponder...

Thoughts grant itself to me.... the Godess of thought... or language.... in words...

Monday, September 28, 2009

Loot item: droplet

I have spoke about blackmail photos in Mafia War.... a type of loot items that gets dropped off as you do your work....

Many a time, I thought.... thoughts are like loot items... you go about your everyday life without nothing much upstairs....

You can't force it...

You can't reject it...

It simply drops. 8-O lol

When you don't have too many of them... you notice each drop... Sort of like... "Wow... another droplet!" 8-O lol

Slow motion?

If life is unfolding, it surely feels like it is running in slow motion for me...

One moment at a time...

"Wait a minute..."

So I thought...

Don't we all? 8-O lol

Trigger

On my way home, I walked passed this young man... a stranger... with a serious look... solemn, perhaps... staring into some other direction... my existence might not even entered into his reality...

The look...

A simple having nothing to do with me look...

Triggered... or... perhaps... tapped into them fearful dasein moments... fear... harm... death...

You react to it...

You say to yourself... fleeting moments of dasein that you could not escape...

You can't help wonder whether it is the memories of the past being brought forth or many it is just an interpretation... perhaps... the dasein was not in memory but in the making...

It gives you a scare...

You tell yourself to stop... resuming to the strangely disassociated state.... an plausible indicator of over drugged...

You walk on and live on... trying to let go of da dasein...

So you think of what came to your mind yesterday... fear feeds fear....

You type out your fear... wondering whether with the key strokes... the release of da dasein.... no scenario involved... with nothing as the trigger....

Let go... so says my head... if only I know how da to let go.... 8-O lol sigh

Regardless... you can... you thank and you move on... because that's the only way to move... I guess... 8-O lol sigh

Degenerate

I woke up this morning with this thought in mind...

I am a degenerate.... or a degenerate solution... depending on how you see it...

Or... more accurately... my existence is equivalent to a dataset with my head or whatever it is being the program running unfolding analysis...

Results keep on circling around... each time I thought I have found the solution... I found myself but stuck in local minimum if not maximum...

Interesting... I am a degenerate.... solution.... 8-O lol 8-X

Speaking of body and mind... no wonder so many degenerated discs I already have.... 8-O lol

Sunday, September 27, 2009

nonsensical

Had an insight why I am so confused...

I am an updater...

I am nonsensical...

Sort of like trying to apply grounded theory approach while there is no nothing other than my nonsense at all...

Sort of like what they say about data analyses... garbage in... garbage out...

This is why I am so confused...

Despite of the nonsensical-ness... like what this prof of mine told me once... it's but a process...

Trying to find sense out of nonsense might be like... stick your head in the sand and keep searching for a star... while... in that case... if you try hard enough... you might actually be able to dig far enough to reach the other end of the planet... 8-O lol

At the same time, perhaps delusions are grounded theories with patients pulling their hair off trying to find sense in nonsense driven by an innate need to seek out the underlying rationale-- to account for it all? While... all there is but sensical nonsense? 8-O

Does it mean that it is the rational self that is the driver for the irrationalities? Following this line of thinking... could it be that the antidote is to simply be irrational? 8-O lol

At the same time, I do not dispute the fact that the contents must be of some importance to me for the contents to surface in them dasein moments.

Envious

Some days you feel envious of them normal people and you ask why you can't be like them or whether there might be a day when you could be like them.

You ponder again... it's been a while... feels like a life time ago... what would it be like to be like them?

At least now I sort of understand what it means when Confucius said... "行有餘力則以學文"..... 學文? 8-O lol

Delusion vs illusion

A common theme nowadays is... I feel I am protected and shielded... in dasein... coming in and go...

Me confused... are these the fleeting moments of delusions or illusions or the combination?


absence seizures

Great... speaking of da sleep walking thing and as I have it forgotten....

On House... the topic of the episode... the first diagnostic hypothesis... absence seizures... 8-O 8-X

Walk

Just took another walk...

Something told me to take the riverside park instead...

So I walked.... in a state... limited were thoughts...

I did have thoughts...

I did have words spoken in my head...

I did sense them never-ending gerne of feelings... love, sadness, hurt.... which were released and forgotten...

You feel love... loving feelings... you thought... loving feelings....

You feel sadness... sadness... you came up with the label... sad feelings...

You feel many other things or perhaps not too many.... you labeled and be in the dasein...

When things change, you find yourself in, simply, an alternative dasein....

Then, you realised... the thoughts... the words themselves... dasein...

And you kept on moving on or life moves on carrying you with the flow... let daseins manifest themselves... unfolding like a stream of running water...

And... you walked on... walked on down Broadway...

You walked on like anyone else...

You even ponder what is in their head at times... wonder whether how you are is the normal way they feel...

You stopped at the red light...

You jaywalked when no traffic...

You went into shops and finally made some purchase...

You kept on walking on while yawning at points...

Then, you are almost home...

This voice inside your heart... relative to the region that is the central point of your chest.... this voice like many others that have emerged so far... repeating itself... in its own rythem....

The voice called... "Love... love... love... love......"

All of a sudden, you felt awake...

It was as if you have just waken up... from a trace... (although I don't really know what it means to be in a trace but it surely sounds nice....) 8-O lol

So you walked into the supermarket, grabbing some fruit and vegi, you proceeded to the casher, and, you thought to yourself...

Sleep walk....

Was that sleep walk?

Where did them hours of time go?

On your way back home... crossing the street... you felt even more awake... as if you have just came out of a hypnotised state....

You think to yourself... "I am some kind of nuts."

You think again... "I am already nuts but this is even more aberrant if not abnormal...."

Then, you ponder to yourself... Am I really awake this round for sure?? What does it mean... anyways... for sure? 8-O 8-X

At the same time, you brought this question to thyself... Does it seem like my delusional system has gotten stronger? Yet, how would be valid and reliable measure?

You also wonder... Could it be an alternative outlet for my the delusional self?

And, you stop.

And, you thought of the voice you heard repeatedly by pier 1.... "Stop fighting... stop fighting... stop fighting..."

And, it is your heart's desire for more interpretations but you stop.

I-don't-know-ness

Just came to the realisation unless rediscovered...

I am terminally in an I-don't-know state.... defined by the propensity to put on hold all further interpretations beyond the initial reaction.

A state within which further interpretation and reaction should only be authorised upon concrete evidence such as explicit verbal inputs.

While... I used to be in an eternal state of hypothesis generation and interpretation.... with the tree structure as a visual representation for this type of processing....

Could it be hardwired? I don't know.... 8-O lol 8-X

An adaptation to low latent inhibition, perhaps?


Saturday, September 26, 2009

update

No more thoughts...

This thought came along...

My head works like them programs that require updates...

When there is an update... pushes updates...

Then... nothing more...

At times, even remains... residuals...

Wait for next round--- automatic update...

Guilty- legit

Sometimes I feel guilty... especially when talking to my dad and mom...

What the hell have I done recently?

Then, I thought of my sister who got a doctoral degree in architecture and now married as a house wife primarily.

That seems to be very legit.

Controlling for all factors... making the comparison between my sis and I... partialing out the health factor....

Why she legit... why me guilty.... in my worldview... where the discrepancy?

To make my life legitimately non-guilty...

Get married. 8-O lol oops...

sex

Junior came in yesterday decided to talk about sex.

It was like...



Junior and I were talking about sex as I was feeling sick like a dog.

It was like... "OMG... I am sick... Sex what?" 8-O

One of the topic is asexual...

The questions...

"Do you have someone to have sex with?"

or

"Do you want to have sex with someone in particular?"

If you don't know who to have sex with, does it make you asexual?

Then, I thought of how once this friend of mine told me... "Having sex is good for back pain."

Apparently, based on his empirical experiences...

"But I have nobody to have sex with." So I replied.

"Then you should try what they call self-service." So he responded. lol

The second question junior and I had...

Does self-service accounts for sex?

Can you decide to be asexual?

What does it mean asexual?

Or, what is sex?

Blackmail photo

The biggest nightmare in Mafia War is the collection of blackmail photos.

At the boss level, you need something like 4-5 hundred of blackmail photos to complete all three tiers of the boss jobs.

The problem with blackmail photos is that...

You could not buy it using money.... unless you want to spend real money to buy Godfather points so as to buy them blackmail photos....

You have to, first, collect concealable camera through robbing the electronic store.... Since concealable cameras are one of the loot items, sometimes you might spend all your energy trying to get it but ended with no camera at all.

Once you get the concealable cameras, you have to do the obtaining compromising photos job in order to get blackmail photos. Again, at times, you might spend hundreds of energy points as well as the concealable cameras while getting no pictures at all.

Sometimes I wonder... whether what I have done so far in life is but a constant process of collecting blackmail photos....

To what end? To complete the boss level job.

For what? To do more jobs faster.

So what? So that I could experience more.... what the game could afford?

Sort of like... if like is all about the outcome measure, 99% of our life is pure waste... perhaps?

Sort of like... now you have killed Diablo.... so what? The end of the game? 8-O

And, perhaps, life is like the software "timeliner"... with time a useless concept... so you live through life... you got them houses of dasein... each ex of mine and the dasein involved could be represented as da house.

So... as time goes on... you look back... you find the house... you have dasein... where is time?

Awake

This has been happening...

I try to fall asleep... but I can't....

I know that I am still awake...

When I finally decided to get up in the middle of the night to do something about it....

I realise that I have been dreaming though I was still awake...

What does it mean to be awake?

Rat flu

Although I was absolutely sick like a dog yesterday, I am feeling so much better today....

The manifestation of Rat flu... I guess....

About you

I saw two glasses of water on the restaurant table as I walked passed by the other day with this nice young gentleman I know sitting nicely.... looking like that he was on a date waiting for a nice young lady....

So, in our conversation, I told him something like... shall you wanna be my husband... "I saw two glasses of water on the table."  He responded... "I told her about you..."

Immediately emerged in my mind...


(gotta say... oh... what a jackass... depending on your perspective... but... great song... great song.... 8-O lol)

not to mention 38 special for a Second chance.... for she was willing and that is all there to say... OMG.... 8-O 8-X

So might be songs... Wonka's elevator to them houses of yesterday.... 8-O lol


Here I go again

Here I go again... listening to Here I go again.... with, for a change, the morning sunlight shining on my face through the window pane and sneesing along by the way....

Thought of Here I go again...

Memories of the past need not be respoken again...

As if... bringing back them houses of the yester-years... dasein already there.... no need to be recapitulated... and, hopefully, no need to be revisited... since the house like them blackmail photos in Mafia War already collected... here I go again... don't need to go back again.... 8-O lol

in synchronicity

in episode...



I dont know where Im going
But, I sure know where Ive been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again

Tho I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what Im looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

Im just another heart in need of rescue,
Waiting on loves sweet charity
An Im gonna hold on
For the rest of my days,
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go...

An Ive made up my mind,
I aint wasting no more time

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a hobo I was born to walk alone
cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

An here I go again on my own
Goin down the only road Ive ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An Ive made up my mind
I aint wasting no more time...

But, here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go again,
Here I go,
Here I go again...

Friday, September 25, 2009

Sick

Sick like a dog...

All was well until I tucked myself into bed... then... I got this sinus attack... all stuck up and could hardly breathe.

Woke up in the morning... I felt the right side of my body all sick while the left side remaining intact...

Talked to a friend about it and he said that it happens to him all the time... only one side of the body got sick... 8-O

All fatigue and never in my life have this feeling called losing appetite...

Waiting to go home after work and crash....

Guess it just keeps on coming.... duhhhhhh

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Validity and reliability

So, I was talking about the improvement I found in moving from able to read 2-3 words to 5 or so....

I told my shrink... however small it might be... I sensed improvements.

My doctor suggested us to explore better measures with validity and reliability.....

I, again, stared at him...

I mean.... so goes my naive theory.... and I guess I am making myself beyond comprehension.... for... if you can't retain more than 5 words at a time.... you probability don't have enough cognitive capacity to perform things higher level than the most basic thing in the given domain.... sort of like the assumptions beyond intelligence tests....

Although, being able to read paragraphs now and could try to comprehend, I have no intention to go back to that state and will leave it to the others test it out.... 8-X

On a second thought... this would be a good area to research.... fairly interesting... actually.... especially the fMRI kinda research..... wow.... that would be cool....

Would have loved to contribute my brain except for no one seems to give a rat's ass about my brain.... 8-O lol oops...

Or, more accurately, my brain doesn't fit their research protocols-- the methods section.... the criteria for subject selection.....

Flow

Finally, for a change, I am reading with much ease and could comprehend along the way...

I am capable of performing more analytic tasks associated with the written texts.

However, the speed seems to be still slower when comparing to the others.

In any case, I sense improvement as long as you don't ask me about the reliable and validity of the instrument since I am my own instrument... 8-O lol

The only thing is... what comes with the flow in cognitive processing is the feeling that positive symptoms seem to be lurking around....

Instructional technologies

During my meeting with my shrink the other day, I talked about my single digit level of cognitive processing power...

Sort of like... there had been improvements... I was able to go from reading 2-3 words at a time till around 5 words at a time...

He asked, "Don't we all read one word at a time."

I replied, "Yes. But I can only hold that much information in my head before it freeze and I could do nothing more."

The nice doctor thought of someone who has done a lot of studies on the cognition of psychotic people.

Apparently, she had tried out the use of computer programs to help augment the cognitive capacity of psychotic patients.

I sat there staring at him...

Wondering.... 5 words at a time?

My naive theory would say them patients gotta have more cognitive resources than I did to let the study results reach that .05 significance level...

At 5 words at a time... my processing would have stalled before finishing reading the instructions.... 8-O lol oops... no offense... all respects...

Beauty

Swing by the office to get some rat chow since I am starting to get a bit of sick and tired of eating my 101 dish... putting all things into a boil including noodles, eggs and vegis.

Ratprincess junior saw me and asked something about beautiful out of nowhere.

She looked fine to be and I have no idea what she was fussing about.

Beyond my bandwidth.

I came for my yester- free food.... What beauty? I guess... food before beauty? 8-O lol

The other lady in the room mentioned that we all have inner beauty.

This reminds of this conversation I had with this Taiwanese lady I came across during the summer...

I was marveled by them beautiful looking Hollywood stars...

So I said... "Must be difficult to be beautiful like them. It must take a lot to maintain."

My wiser friend replied, "We all have something to maintain."

So I thought a bit earlier...

"At least I am not ugly...." lol

Taking care of health first for... enough to maintain... limited bandwidth... prioritisation...

On a second thought... food and beauty.... ummm.... food is beautiful. More beautiful than people... like... don't know too many of them... such as Beyonce.... 8-O lol oops...

And, of course, regardless.... what is beauty?

Phenomona

I read these things talking about phenomena.

Some said phenomena are the lived experiences of an individual.

But what are experiences?

How do you describe things such as calmness or nice?

Walking

Today I don't work but I have a class.

I went to take my walk.

Thoughts wanted to come out and I said to myself, if not my thoughts... let's just walk and be in walk...

The walk contains both the walk, the moving of the body the way the body wants as well as the associated states of mind.

So I walked the walk.

In a state of.... calmness... lightness... but not flatness.

Who is doing the talk? Not sure if not I don't know...

Time for class...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

First night 200 mg

By 5:00 o'clock, it felt as if the energy in me was about to overflow....

I felt the need to go take a walk... to walk it off...

It is as if immediately after I started walking and as I left my mind... perhaps... relaxed...

Things calmed down...

I did a few more blocks of walk...

I did a bit more swinging exercise after I got home.

How does it feel now?

Still relatively calm although the head feels relatively flex... no more helmet.

It feels as if this is the kind of feeling one might have when one could decided to think or to think not.

Not too many positive symptoms either... on and off at times... yet not too much...

Time to try to fall asleep again...

Hope I don't have to live through that dreaming awake stuff again.

And, of course, this age and time... God knows....

On a second thought... I have blogged myself into the nut house.... while knowing the conditions were going south.... (at least I still had some insight then...)

What it be like.... OMG... I am losing my insights? Guess just need to leave it to tomorrow and its tomorrows... 8-O 8-X

Reality

"The reality of an object is only perceived within the meaning of the experience of an individual."

Since no one seems to check me out and possibly no one gives a bag of beans about me, I am surreal?? or I don't exist? 8-O ;-O lol

OMG....

Too much reality is not what people wants.... 8-O lol

OMG

Thought to myself... OMG...

Now not only could I read more then 2-5 words...

I could read many more words without the focus becomes black.

I could understand the texts and get ideas.

I could reference ideas to things in my long term memory.

It's been awhile since I was last capable of summarizing texts.

With the ability to analyze... still need to see...

OMG...

It's been so long..... Sort of like how the song goes... It's been so long...

And now I could use a miracle... I need to get married or win da mega. 8-O lol

Epoche

"Phenomenology’s approach is to suspend all judgments about what is real—the “natural attitude”—until they are founded on a more certain basis. This suspension is called “epoche” by Husserl. (Creswell, J. p. 58 )"

Interesting notion.... sort of like hold thy thought.. 'tis forgotten... delusions no more... 8-O lol

The everyday implications of da education thing...

Poking

My mind seems to want to get more active while my physical head still sets up the speed limit... or vice versa...

Some part of my upstairs feels so of flaky... physically... it feels as there are waves of spikes and spikes poking around through my entire membrane if not skull...

Though could still focus and continue to read.

Reading

Two days away from 250 mg Seroquel.

At this hour and despite of the confounding effects of ambien, I could read through passages in the following article and alike... http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/13421_Chapter4.pdf

I could comprehend.

Still a preference of mine... succinct and to the point...

I might be guilty of verbal diarrhea...

Authors, please use fewer words unless the words are essential in delivering your points. 8-O oops...

My cognitive processing capacity, as of this date and time, has improved significantly in certain capacity.

Need to read more to see what is still missing in the equation.

At the same time, such seems to speak against the theory of "negative psychotic symptoms."

Chest

And there is this feeling I would code as love.

It is a physical feeling originates from the middle of your chest.... it grows... sort expand and contrast...

With a different mindset or interpretation, this is the same kind of feeling you get when you are depressed...

When the nerve pains were really bad all over, I also used to feel this way and its occurrence was often triggered by worsened nerve pain in the neck and back area. At least, that was how I had it interpreted.

In general, when this kind of feelings just come out of no where, you could apply the hypothesis that the neurotransmitters are doing some monkey around in your brain... speaking of mind and body.... 8-O lol sigh

With that feeling of love, you feel settled, calm and it brings you a sense of serenity... all happy...

Speaking of the heart has its reason, not like I have a significant other to establish this kind of bounds with. In any case, since there is nothing bad about it, you might just rest in the dasein and let the feeling feed to your positive side.

You could choose though... how you interpret the feeling... so as to get to da dasein of the designated outcome.... It is the choice that determines where the dasein go.... I guess..

It is sort of like the realities are those houses I have constructed... they all are there and you simply pick and choose.

200 mg

First day on 200 mg, I am feeling lighter and my head does not feel so much like I am wearing a helmet...

I am actually being in a good mood.

Last night I went into the dasein phase within which I found no meaning in no nothing. There was despair. There was no hope. Today, I wake up feeling happiness, wish, hope and loving feelings.

When comparing to yesterday, I feel more dissociated from the surrounding even though I do feel less detached from the external world when comparing to before the dosage change.

Will be trying out reading....

In addition, last night when I went to bed, I, again, went into this strange state...

I was dreaming all along....

However, I was still half awake...

It lasted so long... an hour or two... and I have to wake up early to come to work....

I eventually had to get up and take a sleeping pill at around 2:30....

I think the sleeping pill might also have some contribution to my current state.

Wireless network

We were talking about cellphone the other night.

I said that I never had a cellphone although I run a wireless network in my head.

Then, I thought of this old router that is broken in my room. With this router, you can hardwired to the jack and get to the Internet. However, if you try to connect to the Internet through the wireless network it sets up, you could connect to it but it take you no where.

After I spoke with my friend who is the network administrator at work, she pondered whether it is possible that it is the bridge between the wireless and the router that is broken. Interesting thought... although I knew there is something wrong between the wireless component and the hardwired part of the component, it never really occurs to me concretely that there exist a linkage between the wireless and hardwired connections..... not until it has been named.

In any case, I thought of that wireless network that connects to all computers and assigns IP address to them all but allows none of them computers to go no where...

I thought... the wireless network is like that in my head...

It has been up and running except for it doesn't really go anywhere. At times, it might receive noises in the background and process them as if they are legit signals.

This makes me want to open up that broken router and see whether I could fix it.... (Wow... I sense the emergence of interest and motivation...)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Feeling nice principle

Love is wonderful and it feels like light.

And, I have no idea what it is between me and my lights...

Anyways, light is nice. Like loving feelings and loving intentions.

At time same time, something tells me to stay away from envy, jealousy and other unitemized kind of thing. Its tells me that it is not feeling so nice. 8-O lol

One thing, unfortunately, I am not equipped to tell you is what it feels like to feel nice and interestingly it is something I can not describe... because.... I don't know.... just the way it feels... I guess... dasein?

Forgotten

Once again... it happens...

Them dasein moments gone...

In between... exercise time.

I would hate to say there is something about the exercise I do. Although I have absolutely no idea what on earth I have been doing all these times.... Swear to God....

Since dosage down... where is mania?

If there is anything true that the only time to catch sprache is when it is done. Who spricht? For it ain't quite feel like it had out come of my mouth? 8-O

Dissociation disorder? 8-O 8-X

Still though... feeling things flowing in my head and gonna get ready for bed to let everything go flowing in my dream where everything is authorised to come out and play... 8-O lol

Preview

today gives a preview on what it be like on 150 mg.

Tomorrow... on 200.

Concern

The good thing about having shrinks is that it is their job to be conservative.

Was thinking about a comment he made today... "I am concerned that you might crash and get back into the hospital."

Points well taken.

At least, given my limited bandwidth, he could do that job for me.... 8-O lol sigh

the thing about 200 mg

I went to see my shrink today after taking only 150 mg last night....

It was not like I sparked up like a morning star over night... Rather, 7-8 hours after I took the meds and having slept for over 6-7 hours... I was not really yet awake.

I told him that, during the day time, I have been able to go from reading 2-3 words to 5 or more words. In addition, I seem to be able to think better as the day gets old and Seroquel gets low in my system.

The doctor suspected that I might be starting to develop negative symptoms and the change to clozapine... something that seems to work better with negative symptoms except for, in rare cases, users might get some rare blood disease.

I politely rejected his suggestion based on the argument that "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." He thought I meant clozapine was a new drug and ensured me that it actually has been one of the oldest atypical antipsychotic drug. Unfortunately, what I meant is that I am an old dog and the new drug would be like new tricks to me. In addition, I seem to have the propensity to encounter a lot of experiences otherwise classified as impossibilities.

Moreover, I have improved from 2-3 words to 5 or so.... The reduction of 50 mg did make an improvement... however small it might be....

Most importantly, if what we are observing are the development of "negative symptoms" associated with psychosis and even if Seroquel doesn't work so well with negative symptoms, the severity of negative symptoms should either become more intensified as the day gets late or remain constant. However, the "nagative symptoms" seem to get less severe... which seems to indicate that there is a fairly high likelihood that the symptoms might be more associated with Seroquel since its half life is 6 hours.

There after...

There went the idea of clozapine again...

I suggested 150 mg since it did make me feel lighter... a phenomenon I can't quite describe yet in words... except for... lighter... Since I told him the last time that if the dosage is to become lower, I am willing to add something more... I suggested 150 mg Seroquel with Lithium.

The doctor suggested to add 300 mg of Lithem in addition to 150 mg Seroquel.

So I asked while a bit confused...

"So Lithium is a mood stabiliser?"

"Yes."

"Already my affects have been flat and we are going to add a mood stabiliser? In addition, if the mood stabiliser is to make my already flat affect even flatter, when I come back next time and if I continue to report flat affect, is this going to be use as the evidence that I am really developing negative symptoms while we wouldn't really know where the negative symptoms originates from-- be it from the meds or not?"

"If insisting on introducing Lithium, I won't be able to report back to you about how exactly the drugs are having an effect on me since I have no idea what Lithium would do to me.

At the end, we settled for 200 mg seroquel only.

As we were closing up, I had this epiphany....

OMG... I could think...

The question: is it a manifestation of the increased cognitive ability as a result of the 100 mg decrease in Seroquel, or, is it simply due to the fact that... I have done it for so many a year... simply pattern matching... no need to think?

And... Oh... God... the verbal diarrhea... the difference 100 mg makes..... provided observable increased level of positive symptoms.

Guess nothing is perfect in life.


stand by your man-- Crazy

I spent many a year standing by them men.

Didn't let go... wishing for a hope... thinking one day they might put in some efforts or a miracle to happen to make things work... until they finally let me go... 8-O lol sigh

Staring at them blue documents for the department of Homeland Security.

I ponder... it this but another of of them stand-by-your-man phenomenon?






What?! 8-O lol

Feelings

Many of them philosophers have talked so much about the importance of thinking...

Granted... thinking... thinking... How could I emphasise more the importance of the ability to think?

Yet, man can not be completed without feelings.... although... chances are, the prerequisite, the ability to think

My fledgling thought.

Never ending bottomlessness in life

On the bus, the other day, I overheard this woman sitting behind me...

She was talking about her life.... "... the never ending bottomlessness in life... Aren't we all supposed to have a small miracle? A miracle?"

I thought she was talking about me and I know it was self-referencing...

Sounds like stock market... I thought further...

Then, I got this letter from the Department of Homeland Security...

Thought it might have been the notice to put me out of my miseries....

Then, they are asking for more.. for more documentation to prove my need and the cost for rehabilitation...

Proving... I can do not more.

How much more?

Then, I had this insight.... today... I could feel.

Whatever it is.... 150 mg Seroquel....

Today, I could feel.

Have been wondering all these times... Who is talking? The meds or my undefinable self?

Regardless, 150 mg, today, I could feel.

Seroquel withdrawal

Being having an headache kind of feeling since this afternoon...

Damn.... Seroquel withdrawal...

Monday, September 21, 2009

What have you been up to?

On my way home to fix something to eat this afternoon, I bumped into this girlfriend of mine...

"What have you been up to?" So she asked...

"A question I ask myself as well." So I responded.

Later in the night, in class, they were talking about social construction...

"Social construction. That's what I have been up to." So I thought earlier on.

Delusions and hallucinations are the products of social construction with or without apparent social inputs, immediate or not.

The Fireworks...

The words from the passersby...

The contexts within which thoughts reside...

A thought... a reaction to the social context.

Thoughtless... delusion-less... for delusions a subtype of thought...

And.. drugs... aim to turn you thoughtless... so as... delusion-less...

Pains... a social context created for my neurotransmitters on a field trip... thoughts emerge... biosocial context? 8-O lol

Not to mention... intrinsic to us... cultural backgrounds... including words themselves...

150 mg

This nice lady called me back... letting me know...

"Chances are no doctor is to prescribe Seroquel to you without seeing you."

At some point, I replied, "It's not like I love taking drug. We patients actually prefer to get off drugs."

Both had a good laugh... really good laugh...

So tonight... take my 150 mg and try to go night night...

Back to my exercise....

Emergency

I called this thing call clinician-on-call... trying to see whether they will be able to call in a prescription for me...

So I was talking to this lady... she asked me whether this is life and death kind of emergency...

I told her that I am psychotic and I have run out of my drug.

"Are you having symptoms?"

Duh...

I replied, "I am psychotic. I need to be medicated." 8-O

Still waiting to see whether anyone would call back....

On a second thought... perhaps, ain't no emergency to nobody at all...

Just get more positive only. 8-O lol sigh

Painfully slow

For female only... in case you are new to back pains, it gets worse around the time of the month.... and in case no one had told you or confirm with you your observation before...

After class, I walked home... painfully slow... literally... both painful and slow... in all capacities... body and mind... 8-O lol sigh

Then, I bumped into this friend of mine... with him asking... "Everyone else walks so fast, why are you so slow?"

I looked them peoples passing and having passed me by....

I replied, "Because this is as fast as I could go."

This is perfect... neurotransmitters are on a field trip partially due to pain perception... and I am short on drug...

Alignment

Never cease to amaze me the kind of issues that I have...

While other people busy worrying about the alignment issue... such as them classmates of mine...

I am driving myself up the wall trying to be compliant with my meds... guess... alignment issue in an alternative form... 8-O lol sigh

At the same time... while many patients might try to get down if not off on meds, including myself, the topic of concern now is for me to have not enough drug? 8-O

Visual?

I can't understand... I was holding the bottle and see it states that there was still one refill...

How could it be... when rereading the label... no refill left?

Could it be that I am gaining a new talent called going visual?! 8-O

Or... simply... we see what we want to see or what we think we should see?

Yet, still... I remember seeing that refill on the label.... 8-O 8-X

I need my drug....

Thought I still have a refill left for Seroquel... ended up, when I try to pick up the prescription, I was told that no more refill left...

Gotten home, I doube-checked the bottle... only to realise that I really have no more prescription left at all...

Called my shrink but did not get him on the phone... only wish he could call back tonight...

Looking all over for all my Seroquel... 150 mg left while I am supposed to be on 250 mg....

OMG... 150 left....

Whatever phenomena I have reported so far... I am psychotic and I need my drug.... 8-X


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Paralyzed Rats Walk Again

A wonderful story I found online... hope for many people...


Today it might be hope.

Someday it might be reality...

Vision

Got this vision in my head me doing... side kick, front kick, back kick... all different types of kicks.... despite of the reality that I can't quite move my own aging big fat butts up them stairs... I see me kicking... 8-O lol

zen moments... zen moments... 8-O lol

Synchronicity

Last ex is in town and just called me up wanting to meet up with me...

Funny how the call came two days after I made my posting concerning him...

To begin with, I am not really in a mood or don't really have the energy to spare to mingle with strangers nowadays especially this kind of stranger...

Secondly... I never thought I have to have anything to do with him again for the rest of my life since he lives all the way in Arizona...

In any case, he called me up while I was searching for a perfect picture of a squirrel.... a squirrel without a nut because I am already too much of a nut... 8-O lol

After the phone call, I made some personally reflection in my private blog... and came to the conclusion that men are strange.... and at least this would be a good chance for a closure...

Then, right after I posted that piece, there were fireworks... beautiful fireworks.... over the sky.... (not my hallucinations.... real fireworks....)

As if, good job... let it go... good job...

I might be a dumb dumb and slow like a turtle and nothing smart... at least I am trying as hard as I can to grow in the capacity that I have been afforded....

At the same time, bad timing... bad timing... shall mama be here, at least can make him take mama and I to a damn expensive dinner.... (on a second thought, maybe I shall suggest a Friday night dinner at Tavern on the Green since I have never been there anyways? 8-O lol Na... let's keep it simple and short given conservative principle)

I do believe though that things do happen for a reason so that I could grow out of it.

In the way meanwhile, let me go back and whack some more mafia.... 8-O lol

Also, interestingly, talk is cheap... interesting...

Your name

I was asked yesterday something like... "What do you do when your name is called?"

I sat up straight all attended with hands hanging down around my chest...

I was in a relaxed state... alright... and in relaxed states there seems to be a even lessor room for this I.... 8-O 8-X

But I don't understand why....

Unless it was after a beer... my animal nature came out... and...

I turned into a doggie? 8-O

Or a squirrel sitting upright perhaps? 8-O lol


"Don't ask me why..." So my voice told myself if not I told myself.... 8-O lol

This state

The state I have been stuck in actually is not all that bad...

After a while, you know it is just the way it is when the head doesn't move too much and you walk up and down the street feeling like an air head and as an air head... if not an vacuous head...

It is not like there is any other way to deal with it.

You get used to it or try to learn to until an opportunity comes to do something about it.

You see it ain't so bad because it is simple.

You actually come to liking it and you might actually ponder why you ever like complicated. Sort of like I actually come to like drinking hot water...

Of course, unless it is like the fox saying the grapes are sour...

You keep on walking.

You pass things, people and things.

You self-reference at times.

You tell yourself you are doing self-referencing...

And, you walk on with mostly nothing more than air in you head.

It is simple and you feel simple.

It is a simple world.

And you feel light.

The only problem... I have to read and write to get things done.

If only the state would allow me to read and write... them academic kind of writing.... that requires more complex kind of things..

Protected

I don't know why but, wherever I go, I feel protected.

What kind of symptom is that? 8-O

Yawning

Yawning is back... or it has been back since a week or two again or maybe more... I don't remember...

Most of the times, when it just comes out for no good reason, I am usually in a very relaxed kind of state such as when I am walking and do nothing more than walking....


Voice

And, as I was doing something I forgot what I was doing, this voice came to me... "Remember what the voice told you..."

Referring to my voice earlier on when cooking.... "Don't forget this state."

Hopefully, this means there is going to be some improvement.... upgrading from a config of Pentium III, 128 mb of ram on dial up...

Of course, you can not take the voice serious even though it is inevitable for you to interpret it...

In this kind of situation, thanks to my propensity to forget things, it makes it easier to forget them if you could hold the interpretation process a bit.... because it is sort of difficult to interpret what you forget...

Fishing

This state of being does not really help to promote my mission called finding a husband...

The matter of the fact... green card seems to be an issue now beyond the reign of my peripheral vision... I can sense it except for it is an issue unapproachable to me..... 8-O

Fishing... I guess... fishing... how am I fishing for a husband?

The only thing my current state affords me to do... perhaps... 姜太公釣魚,願者上鉤... the maximum....

Not I don't want to be more... but.. my Is do not allow this me to do more...

You don't understand? Neither do I... It is just the way it is... 8-O lol sigh

This reminds me of what my doctor in Taiwan said to me last year... "You have to be true to yourself" or else....

Apparently, in this state, I don't really have a choice.... unless my other Is are trying to do this thing called conditioning.... like Pavlov's doggie..... 8-O

Crazy says crazy says... crazy does crazy does... of course... as if in 賈雨村言... 8-O

How I love night times... mind is moving....

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Dial up vs gigabyte network

Was talking with this friend of mine today... about gym use... and he started talking about how rental car companies provides services differently... as an analogy I guess...

Except for... by the time him finished with how the general rental works, I was already experiencing cognitive overload from his description of how the rental car works, and, the discrepancies between my mental model about the discussion and what he was talking about.

This scenario has the same effect as the scenarios that occur so very often at work when people go on and on describing things which would get me all confused.

The experience I had... it was as if the head was starting to freeze....

As he continued, I was thinking to myself... "Information overload... memory dump..." except for I am not quite sure how to dump da memory in my head... 8-O lol

This reminds me of the things I observed often on this laptop.... I would have multiple browsers open with each running scripts to automate Mafia War related tasks such as collecting boosts and do jobs.... Given the old age of the machine, the browsers and programs would run really really slow... and unresponsive.... Very often, it would even take a minute or so or more for it to respond to control+alt+delete....

Then, as I was taking a shower, I had this smart idea.... it is as if my head is running dial up while other people's head operates on gigabyte networks...

You see... you could try to push as much information as possible but my dial-up connection could not receive so much information... as a result things run extra slow.... packets might get lost as well...

Sort of like trying to watch a movie on youtube using dial-up connection on an obsolete computer... To begin with, the computer already runs slow due to reduced memory available... the browser runs slow... With rich media that involves large files... everything just keep on getting slower... until finally... there is a system crash... and I sit there with a brain freeze... that kind of freeze when it doesn't even respond to control+alt+delete... 8-O lol 8-X

Now I think I understand what it might feel like to be a program like a browser when it has to run a lot of excessive codes... this is, I guess, the reason coding is so important and why it has to be succinct... Otherwise, it will have to spend extra amount of work interpreting irrelevant codes, such as those extra codes written by Microsoft, before it finally finds something to execute...

It is very unfortunate that what is negligible overload for better programs on better machines could result in the stalling of my processor. 8-O lol

Interestingly, it is like my head was getting an "if" commend... after waiting for a long time for the "then".... it can't hold the "if" part anymore and decided to hang..... Or, this might be how the old PCs feel on NT when we see the blue screen of death... 8-O lol 8-X

The key point... I am dial up and you are gigabyte network... Please refrain from sending large files such as multimedia files until the system resources get unlocked a bit more... 8-O lol sigh

Can't wait for my meeting with my shrink to free some memories up.... lol sigh

Disposable

Was talking to my friend yesterday about being disposable...

What I have learned so far in my life... I am solely disposable... ain't no nothing gonna crumble with the removal of I... in any circumstances... and life continues to go on and on... even if I would like to believe that I am indisposable and although I have no idea why I shall think so...

Then, I heard on TV... something like... "... I am something and I am something even if you...."

Um.... I thought... Ummm.... I am nothing.

Sort of lighter I guess... 8-O lol

dosage

In case you wonder... if, in my perception, Seroquel is causing so many problems, why don't I simply go down on the meds.

Two reasons...

First, for security purposes, you need to give it time for the nerurochemicals to reach a renewed state of homeostasis...

Second, despite the griefs I might have given my shrinks, I need to get the doctor's OK before lowering the dosage....

This is the reason I can't wait till next Tuesday morning to come so that I can persuade again my shrink to let the dosage lowered.... Well... going from reading 1-2 words at a time to 5 or so within 1 month.... provided more elevated affect state... I guess I haven't gone too wrong with my hypothesis....

Reduced dosage did help except for I do still feel more overdosed as long as you don't ask me why my functionality was far better back in spring when I was on 600 mg as opposed to now 250 mg.

Personally, dosage adjustment is more an art than a science.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Life

Sometimes I wish there is a reason to life...

Then, I think what is so bad if it is simply-- to live... so as to experience what is to happen next...

Rock climbing

I always wanted to try out rock climbing... but never had the chance or take the chance...

Can't quite lift a mac book... rock climbing might be a bit too technical...

Baby steps maybe...

Hope one day soon I could go hiking...

All else seemly unapproacheable... at least, feeling sort of tired... tonight I could fall asleep....

Vision

This weirdo jackass of mine told me that he has visions and could see the future....

He saw that, shall we be together, there would be a touch road ahead...

Guess we were really a pair.... 8-O lol

Then this occurred to me today.... a brighter future is to be ahead... the day I got the IME report stating that there ain't seem to be much wrong about my knees... (and, I thought, all that I have to go through to get myself back again and still continue to do so.. God bless-- you, me, and her)

Perhaps the guy was right... things haven't been quite all that rosy...

Perhaps it is a good thing... he is not meant to be on the same path shall he be scared.... for I have a whole lot of good companies...

Things ain't rosy but it grants me the ability to see more loving intentions...

Things will rise even more so towards the sunny side of the street in loving intentions. I know because I now can choose to believe it.

Sort of like... they say the following ain't no nothing scientific... p<.05 or p<.01 or not... Sometimes we just have to choose what we believe, I guess...

Coffee

Tonight I seemed to have become even slower...

Then I thought of the second cup of coffee I took and I was unable to sleep all the way till 3:30 in the morning.... and I had to, unfortunately, take a sleeping pill to put me to sleep since sleeping is of vital importance to me...

Maybe the slower-er-er-ness has something to do with the pill....

Yet, how could the effect last so long?

Words

5 words seems to be the limit... when I could read with flow...

Beyond five words, I start to feel as if the words are pushing back at me... and the focus starts to blur... and you feel the head turns into concrete... the material they you to build buildings...

Words with more syllables also are harder to read than the shorter ones...

Having affects though...


Trying to read this article... http://www.sagepub.com/upm-data/13421_Chapter4.pdf

I guess if what I am doing here is a kind of qualitative approach... it would be autobiography kind of narrative research.

Attributes

Two things I observe when feeling like an idiot...

My mouth open and I laugh so uncontrollably happily like an idiot...

With that mouth of mine... I am able to focus on keeping it closed if I focus on keeping it closed...but I can't be focusing on my mouth only all the time... can I? 8-O

This is the kind of day when I think I should stay home and be stupid... 8-O lol sigh

生別離

Beautiful poem, song and voice...

So sad and beautiful... Dasein...

Seems like... beauty can be especially enhanced by a sentiment of tragedy...

In that case.... let me and my existence stay ugly... 8-O lol oops...



生別離

  請再看
  再看我一眼
  在風中 在雨中
  再回頭凝視一次
  我今宵的容顏

  請你將此刻
  牢牢地記住 只為
  此刻之後 一轉身
  你我便成陌路

  悲莫悲兮 生別離
  而在他年 在
  無法預知的重逢里
  我將再也不能
  再也不能 再
  如今夜這般美麗

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Judgement of Nuremberg

"One can't live with hate... You have to forget. You have to go on living."

"Forward is the great password."

"What was supposed to be a passing phase has become a way of life."

Nice quotes from Judgement of Nuremberg...

I would not have watched this film if not for a class that I could not finish for over 2 years... although, funny enough, the finishing process was also a pretty disabled one though I did try my best to carry it through...

After this film, I have these thoughts...

It is a murky business judging the others.

At the end, I will be the only judges to see whether I have been true to myself and especially when I fear all governers of me.... 8-O lol

Pretty ego-centric... I know... Sort of like... me me me...

Yet, shall it make you feel better... at least it is talking about judging me myself....... 8-O lol

At least, so far... I have been taking responsibility for myself and remained self-reliant... provided with the help and support from many others.... (and guess that's one of my terminal sin... the terminal obsession about self-reliance... 8-O lol 8-X)

Speaking of being true to myself... it truly scares me to think about dosage decrease one more time within a months since last time.... yet, it truly is some risk I have to take so that I can get better access to my head.... Might drive my shrink up the wall but that seems to be needed so that I could judge... 8-O 8-X

Irony

When there are not too many thoughts, any thought stands out to be a thought.

Habitat

As I walked down Amsterdam trying to get to my class, swimming happily in the blessing of endorphins, I heard this guy shouting out loud...

"I live in an apartment. I want a house!"

The self-inferential part of me immediately thought that it has something to do with the thought of self-deconstruction...

Then I thought...

Regardless...

Good social input... namely... input from the others...

So I thought again... "I live in a room and I want an apartment in Manhattan..."

What it be like the self-deconstructive propensity is primarily associated with thoughts... whatever that means....

Regardless, I went on happily walking away swimming in the sea of endorphins... 8-O lol

Deconstruct

Right after the last posting, as I was walking down the street, I pondered... what the hell was I talking about?

The cycling seems to be faster than I thought... I guess... 8-O lol

Incurable and envious

As I was walking down the block yesterday, this thought came to me... maybe not for the first time...

I have this incurable propensity to self-deconstruct...

Not to self-destruct but to self-deconstruct...

It feels as if, while normal people are granted with the congenital right to build up and establish (I guess), some natural force constantly pushes me towards the other way...

Bewildered... Why?

Other than crazy does crazy does...

I guess I still envy them... normal.. Something tells me that I am allowed to envy them.

Where would be the end? Don't tell me till where there exist no thoughts for there won't be no nothing to deconstruct no more... 8-O lol

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Words

I was going to say a bit more something and I forgot it.

Just as I was about to type out that I forgot what I was about to say, I remembered it...

Might have mentioned it before... the how did I get here kind of feeling when I wake up in the morning.... especially when sometimes I found there to be too many words for myself to read in my own posting...

It is as if... how on earth did those words, if not thoughts, come from? 8-O lol

Point

Sometimes I think them smart people wouldn't be able to understand to not be able to think.... because it seems like smart people are good at thinking...

At the same time, people who can't think wouldn't bother reading about my cognitive constipation.

What is the point of continuing my verbal diarhea if neither people could think and could not think can't quite get the whole thinking thing I am in?

Then, this thought if not voice told me...

What is the point in that point? Interesting.... Seems like my psychotic self is better in thinking than me... 8-O lol

Golden Throne

Spent over an hour taking a walk... later.. 2 hour for my swinging exercise only to relieve pain... such as da shooting pain coming down my finger...

With cognitive constipation together, I ponder...

When is this going to end?

At least, grant me more cognitive processing resources?

Then I thought of this Gold Throne I got today on Mafia War through my disabled account...



When other people get it, it would give them about 2:30 to 3 minutes to regenerate 2 energy points to do work.

With someone disabled like me, it gives me 4:30 minutes to regenerate 2 energy points...

Same improvement, differential amount of energy afforded... What I call as drastic improvement is what other assume as default if not normal... 8-O

On a back pain day, I would say... such is the story of my life.... how sad and is ain't so fair... seems like...

Revisiting the above sentence, it occurs to me... seems like the weather is changing... because the state seems to be altering... 8-O lol sigh

Status update

Taught a small workshop this morning on creating website using SeaMoneky composer...

I had no problem with it... cognitively...

Maybe have something to do with the fact that I have done it million times so far...

Tried to read at this point the following page... processing stalled at about half a paragraph...




Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Quota

It is funny how I used to say that God keeps a credit check..... we all are given a certain quota of everything... when you exceed the quota,

You see, it came to my attention that the walks that I take are beneficial to my being... the long and mostly thoughtless walks...

Later on, I discovered that it is possible to do my swinging exercise along the way and it seems to help even better....

The only thing is.... I guess it might sort of look really strange to passersby.... since it is not you see everyday people moving their arms around as if they were swimming in the air on the street... Yet, I suspect that, for people on Broadway, many might think they have been seeing some strange Asian female walking up and down with arms floating around as if she were a fly... 8-O lol

At the some point, you do feel a bit awkward. Then, you think to yourself... "Anyways, this is New York".... insinuating to yourself that there are enough odd balls on the street and it ain't quite matter an extra like me...

Then, one day, as I was walking down the blocks with my mama and this other Taiwanese lady, I bumped into this girlfriend of mine and she mentioned something about the movement of my arms if not my body.

Without thinking, especially when I couldn't really think anyways then, I heard myself replied...

"I have given up pretending I am normal."

Today, as I was taking my walk again on the sunny side of the street, with mostly nothing in my head and bewildered by the feeling that things seem to be slowing down inside of me, this thought occurred to me... something that must have occurred to me before except for it might have just flashed through like them ships passing in the sea...

How funny is it!

I have spent all these years walking around with all different kind of strange symptoms while trying my best to, at least, look normal.

I have intended to, at least, look normal.

However, what really seems to help now is for me to simply be even more "obviously" abnormal... (at least that's what I would think shall I see myself walking down the street) 8-O lol

It is as if there is a quota system out there--- you could run but you could not hide.

All these years, I fight to be normal or, at least, strive to appear to be as normal as most of them people that I consider as normal... Perhaps, I also challenge repeatedly the concept of normality... etc... Only to realise today how entrapped I have been by normality because.... otherwise, there wouldn't be a reason to fight against the concept itself...

Perhaps, I did do a pretty good job appearing to be normal.... and this is the reason why something's gotta give so that I could make up for the quota of life.

At the same time, perhaps and again, I have never truly accepted my "abnormality" and I am well endowed with learning disabilities. This is the reason why whatever might be out there decided that the only way to help me learn is to grant me even more of the ab-normal stuffs to help me achieve the learning goal (though not really a learning goal that I would bargain for).

Wouldn't it be so ironic shall this be true? The never-ending running away from what you, if I can put it this way and not quite sure whether this is the way to put it... needed most.... 8-O 8-X

Why trying so hard to work on what you might be not, perhaps?

Then, in thoughtlessness, I had this thought...

There ain't no way for me to be reading anything at walk...

It reminded me of the good old times... The time when I would be exercising in the gym while doing whatever reading possible.... even when walking down the tracks... if plausible...

What it be like... quota exceeded...

A chronic state of thoughtless being is what it would take to set back the records straight... Sort of like the policy of facebook.... there is a limit to how many friends you could delete per day.... It takes time to get the record reset... 8-O lol

Quota... so I thought... Quota...

Or, simply some more of my useless mumble jumble for no good cause... 8-O lol

Regardless, something in my head today.