Monday, August 29, 2011

Ratology: principle and evaluation outcome

When looking back at the road I have traversed so far by going through postings I typed out since 2005, I have come up with two conclusions...

In my public blogs, I have strictly (99% of the time) adhere to Ratology principle 101 that I speak only of myself because I do not want to bring others down into the murky water of my imaginary world.  This is why one hardly sees the presence of others in my blog.

I did the job of hiding the other parties' presence so well that I have problems understanding what I was talking about years later-- like now. 8-O lol

Most important, one thing I have to say is that the flooding technique (e.g., the broadcasting of my own thoughts via my blog) doesn't seem to work since I am still psychotic after over 6 years.

As a result, personally, I will recommend against my own strategy for people with the propensity for paranoia simply due to the amount of workload one has to handle and process.

Yet, private journaling, like what the mental health professionals recommend, might be a good practice.  If you want to help by sharing your experiences and documentations, you can always find people in the field of psychology or psychiatry and see whether they would be interested in entertaining what you have to offer- for no other reason than simply making it easier for yourself.

P.S. Have I learned a thing or two?  Yes.  But, the natural process of human development or aging might be a confounding variable whose effects I have no means of partiality out especially with n=1.

(This 3-sentence conclusion of Ratology now really reminds me of that good old mostly statistically insignificant dissertation of mine.  8-O lol)

Friday, August 26, 2011

Irene is coming

Irene is coming

Everybody is talking about Irene...

The Rite aid next door even ran out of batteries and water.

Walking down the street, everyone is stocking up supplies of various kinds...

I figured... Wow... it seems like everyone is panicking... maybe I should be panicking as well.

So I tried to do some shopping in the supermarkets but lines were too long. I went to the street vendor instead to buy me some fruit.

Although I know the grading of typhoon pretty well since we have typhoons all the times in Taiwan, I don't really know much about hurricanes. As result, I tried to understand how strong Irene really is by finding out the equivalence of Taiwanese Typhoon category and the Saffir–Simpson Hurricane Scale.

Western Category Miles per Hour /
Kilometer per Hour
Taiwan Category

74 - 95 /
119 - 153
Medium-strength Typhoon (中度颱風)
2 96 - 110/
155 - 177
Medium-strength Typhoon (中度颱風)
3 111 - 130 /
179 - 209
Medium-strength Typhoon (中度颱風) , up to 50.9 mps (approximately 183.24 kph)

Strong Typhoon (強烈颱風) , from 51 mps (Approximately 183.24 kph)
4 131 - 155 /
211 - 249
Strong Typhoon (強烈颱風)
5 155 + /
250 +
Strong Typhoon (強烈颱風) up to 66.9 mps (Approximately 240.84 kph)
+ Super Strong Typhoon (超級強烈颱風)

Now I have a better idea how strong Irene might be....

Yet, I guess... like a typhoon, sometimes the scariest damages are caused by the water the storm brings forth rather than the wind it itself... not to mention... this Irene does look huge. 8-O

Hurricane Irene
At the same time, in the Pacific east, super typhoon Nanmadol has caused havoc in the Philippines.

Looking at these pictures, I have to say... isn't nature sort of scary...

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Unterwegs zur Ground Zero

I had an appointment with this nice gentleman because I am interested in getting some inputs on how to come up with a book using part of the verbal diarrhea I have generated through out the years- I don't know where and how to start but I guess I just have to start from somewhere.

The first time I tried to get out, I stopped by the bank first in the pouring rain, and, I was struck by this spasm attack on my right side with that nerve pain shooting down-- ouch.

The pain and discomfort was so bad that I think they might have scared the psychotic symptoms all away...

I froze there with the upper torso slightly leaning forward... unable to move, in pain and could hardly talk.... forget about calling for help...

With the limited amount of extra cognitive capacity I was granted access to, I thought to myself, "What a strange posture to be stuck with...."

The lady and gentleman next to me realized that something seemed to be wrong.

They tried to help me but I couldn't quite think of anything they can help me with other than troubling them to take the backpack off my back and, later, bring the backpack up to the counter.

They both were very concerned.  I told them that I will be fine.

So shared the fine lady at some point, "I was once hit by a spasm and was on the floor for 5-6 hours." (Although pain has the propensity to take over almost all cognitive capacity, the cognitive capacity I had access to might have generated this response in my head... "ouch."  Spoken or not, I can not recall.")

When the pain and spasm was more manageable, I went on minding my own business doing the banking thing, got myself a cup of my morning coffee and sat down to rest my body a bit.

It was then when I realized that the right side of my face seemed to feel strange... sort of like the mouth on the right side was dropping down.

This sounds familiar... 8-O

Didn't I wake up one day with the left side half paralyzed because of really bad spasm?

So, I eventually got myself home, took a pill of cerebrex, rubbed some vitamin E oil on my back and did an hour or so of my swinging exercise.

I tried for the second time to get out since I had gone from the bent-out-of-shape kind of state into the more mobile state.

Despite of the minor detour I had to travel earlier on, I hopped on to the bus, transferred to an express train at 96th street where there are elevators, and, after a painful journey on the train ride, I found myself getting out of the elevator of the Chamber street station.

After the meeting, I decided to go down to visit ground zero and took the West Street.

I knew it was some where near by but all that I saw were overpasses and the big road.

So I asked these police at the corner, "Excuse me, where is ground zero?"

One of them pointed at the direction I was heading to.

As I kept walking on, I saw a tall building under construction, next a huge sigh in the front saying the sidewalk was closed and there were barricades blocking the path ahead.

So I walked through the barricades towards the police woman near by.

"Excuse me.  Where is ground zero?"

She gave me this strange look, "This is ground zero."

I must have shown the expression of confusion in my face as I continued to mumble something that I no longer recall... because this was not how I got to ground zero and maybe what I saw before.

At some point, she might have asked me how I got there before...

"Century 21." So I replied.

"That's Church street."

I had the feeling that she sort of laughed when she answered me after listening to my response.

I turned around and found my way to Church Street and saw the site which is under construction as before.... and which I have shown many a tourist in NYC many a time before.... except for... today I asked for direction towards Ground Zero on Ground Zero. 8-O lol

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I have a dream: about my mega million

What would I do if I win my mega?

Buy an apartment.

Gave my family some money.

Make some investments to keep the cash flowing...

The rest.. I will set up a foundation-- one would give out grants to patients with mental and physical health problems so that they can work on projects with the potential to help other patients and hire some interns to assist the grantees to accomplish their goals.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Red-tailed hawk at lunch

I was entertaining the idea of paying St. John a visit today after my walk... ended up... never made it to the unfinished because, midway, I found the big bird at lunch...

Although I was overjoyed to see the big bird, it was all aloof... almost as aloof as cats and paid me no mind.

How sad! ;-( 8-O lol

Then, when I saw what the big bird was munching on- a rat, watched the big bird finished its meal and kicked it off to the ground, yours ratprincess was not quite sure whether it was a good thing or not that the big bird paid me no mind.... 8-O 8-X lol

Gotta say, though, first time for me to watch the big bird eating lunch and even went to the bathroom.  A whole lot of the first-time experiences right there... 8-O lol

One thing I have to say is that... my powershot A570 IS tried its best to capture the videos.... please don't blame the not quite good enough quality since it is only powershot A570 IS.  8-O lol

Interestingly, my canon powershot A570 IS seems to be very happy today because it didn't pull the ordinary trick of "power low."

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Had this dream last night still so vivid to me at this point...

There was danger and I had to escape....

I turned into water (clear water I hope since I washed my hair and showered before bed time 8-O lol), escaped through the pipe and reemerged from water.

(Doesn't sound too elegant to be escaping through the sewage system... Why not something like I turned into a butterfly and flew away? 8-O lol)

While I was cold from the whole turning into and emerging from the water thing, some guys were there to help and they tried to find something to keep me warm and protected...

It was then when I woke up, somewhere around 5 AM in the morning, so cold that my body could not stop trembling (cuz it was really chilly)... I put something on, went to the toilet and I went back to sleep... wondering whether the dream would continue so that I could know what clothes they would find me.  8-O lol

Some people dream of jumping, falling, drowning and driving into water.  Others, including me dream of flooding, etc....

Last night, I dreamed myself turning into water and reemerge from it.

Something different in my monotonous life, I guess. 8-O lol

The Help

The HelpAfter my mom went back to Taiwan, my neighbor lent me a book "The Help" to keep my mind busy early yesterday evening.

Started it last night and finished reading it just now since I got home this afternoon...

Nice book... something I would definitely recommend to people... for me, a story depicting the process it takes towards the breakdown of segregation if not simply integration.

"Am I gone believe what them fools say about me today?"  in P. 73 is one quote I like the best from this book.

At the same time, since I finished the last 50-60 pages or so first last night after the first 200 something pages, after officially reading up the whole book... almost 600 pages in two days...

Wow... apparently, more than 2-3 words I now can read... got myself sort of impressed... since I was struggling to read picture books preferably without words and pictures only last year not too far from this time. 8-O

Can't help thinking of the art of losing in the back of my head though (here comes the power of learned helplessness) and wonder when I am gonna lose that depressive thinking as well? 8-X 8-O lol sigh

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Fish on the cutting board

I spoke many times about the "fish on the cutting board" phenomena which often happen when I try to fall asleep (though it does happened as well during the day time).

Essentially, my body would twitch or jerk around...

Sometimes, a part of the body would get thrown out of the bed and fall... be it the upper, mid, lower back, the neck or the limps.

Other times, a part of my body would be twitching to one side while the remaining would move to the opposite side (e.g, upper body to the left and lower body to the right).

Still other times, both sides of my body including limps would jump up-- nicely divided by my spine-- with the neck jumping up, too, at points.

Or, one side of the body might decide to go up while the other one down...

In some other scenarios, a combination of what was mentioned above...

... a translation of the "Fish on the cutting board" phenomena with limited my words.

I had always known that it has something to do with my nerves... even before my injuries.

In my pre-spinal injuries era, this would happen when the dosage of Seroquel got increased or became too much for my body to handle (and, Seroquel works on the "neuro-transmitters and is taken at bed time).

After my injuries, when the nerve pains are bad, the twitching, jerking and jumping also go wild.

A lot of times, I can feel the firecrackers along my spine as my body goes twitching and twisting around.

Nowadays, when I get upset, there is no doubt I would see the worsening of da twisting around all night long ...

I don't know how anyone could sleep this way when the body does acrobatic exercise at its own will.

All that I could do is to keep on trying to fall asleep while getting really annoyed by such minor inconveniences in life.

I tried to describe it to many people in various occasions but most of them seemed to have no inkling about what I was speaking of.

Then, earlier today, I spoke with this lady friend of mine with MS and she told me how she also had similar problems.

It was nothing to be happy about--- yet, it gave me an interesting sense of relief that... "Man... I am not the only flying fish on the cutting board."

So, after I got home, I decided to look up some discussion forums where people might share with earch others experiences alike...

And... so I found... flying fish fellowship...

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The side effect of biofeedback?

Years back, I read somewhere where experts said that biofeedback is useful for patients with pain-related problem like mine.  Yet, one plausible side effect of biofeedback is that some people eventually start to become apathetic about common pursuits in life (in my words shall I recall it correctly.)

I didn't have the money to receive the conventional biofeedback intervention.  Yet, so I figure... the Qi kind of exercise might be sort of like the biofeedback treatments.

Interesting enough, I found the ordinary pursuits in life to gradually lose their attractiveness through out the years.

Then, recently, I thought of what they suggested as the plausible side effect of biofeedback and I came up with a theory about how the plausible side effect might have come into being.

Perhaps, it's simply that once you go overboard with all signals orchestrating a symphony of never-ending pains, discomfort and suffering in your entire being, you reach the "unsinn" state where all will be deemed unsinn shall the body and mind keep on suffering.

Can't quite tell you whether one might get to the un-unsinn state or not when the pains and suffering are gone--- can't tell you until I get there.... 8-O lol sigh

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The psychosomatic ouch moment

As I was browsing through some older files tonight and came across these pictures I took back in 2005....

I don't quite remember what it was like then although my old blog might give me some clues about it.

One thing I do remember, I used to carry the camera and my precious baby laptop, who used to be a fledgling chick and now a retired old hen-- going all around--- including up and down the park.

So I saw them old picture I took...

Damals-- the hills, slopes and stairs I climbed up and down...

Something felt strangely awful around the area of my chest and stomach... sort of like the kind of sensation you would get when the nerve pain is still bad but the pain killers told your brain to stop perceiving the signals as pain.

I went... "Ouch.  Oops... psychosomatic."  (unless... somapsychotic) 8-O 8-X lol sigh

I have been told that people have the propensity to talk about "damals-- I did this and that..."

So I thought... no no no... mes not yet ready to be old! 8-O 8-X lol

(P.S.  What is psychosomatization other than the label itself?  Some thoughts I would like to share with you soon based on my extensive clinical experiences-- though thoughts still under construction because the Goddess of da fountain of speech might be out on vacation.)

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Yesterday I spoke of inferno on my back.

Today, as I was looking at people moving casually on the street, so I thought--- "Paradiso."

Whether I am the only one carrying my portable devise on my back--- that I have no answer to since I might be mes but I surely am not anyone else.

But, they are in my paradiso and so was I(s)-- without realizing it.

And, what exactly is inferno to me?