Sunday, August 31, 2008

Without a doubt?

I have to say... there is something I am envious of many people or the majority of people I have come acrossed... including me myself once upon a time...

What I am so very envious about is the absolute conviction about the significance of anything.

I had thought a debate of identifying fledgling psychopaths to be a crucial one...

I had thought that investigations of within group differences among Asian populations to be one mostly neglected and one of great importance...

I also had this conviction that usability research need to be grounded in cogent theories....

Then... I don't know when and I don't know how....

I find myself failing to see there is anything ever so important...

I find myself losing the ability to be like the people I see... and having difficulties to find absolute conviction on anything at all.....

And, I thought... must be nice to have that kind of convictions about the pursuits and beliefs people have in life... without a doubt...

It is envy I feel... I think... though, again, to myself I ask... is it without a doubt?

The moral of the lesson? The developmental outcome of growing up with my psychotic self... I guess... for, when hearing is no longer hearing and intuition could no longer be intuition, it is my survival instinct--- the significance of all things... to doubt... 8-O lol 8-X

任督二脈

When I told people about my body moves itself, many of those people in Taiwan who practice 氣功 told me that is 自發功...

Some even told me that there are many teachers of 氣功 who, with some price, would give you 氣 or 灌氣 for you to help you "打通任督二脈" to help people do the 自發功 thing...

Regardless whether what I do really is 自發功.....

The concept of "打通任督二脈" is one so very funny... it is a concept we all growing reading about in martial art fictions or when watching martial art movies....

Then, I thought of this movie "功夫" or "Kong Fu Hustle" by 周星驰-- a movie that came out back a couple years ago... the main character, a small time hustler, was so very beaten up....


(oops... in this clip... so beaten up but not yet time...)

so very beaten up.... that his 任督二脈 were 打通, which perfected his 如來神掌...



Then, I thought... well, perhaps, as a result of that perfect fall, my 任督二脈 also 打通 and perfected my training in .... "meow"... my 哭夭 style of 河東獅吼.... 8-O lol



The moral of the lesson?

I guess... the interesting thing called cultural background.... 8-O lol

Sell

So as I walked down 58th street trying to get to the 2nd avenue last night...

To myself I thought... if only I could get a book out of my blog posting and making me a penny or 2...

"You can not make money with your blog. The blogs are not for sale because they are not yours although you could use them to do something else."

Speaking of the "the dog made me do it" phenomena. 8-O lol

Your days are numbered

In between my swinging sessions, I sat down on a bench for a smoke... staring at this pigeon leisurely walking by....

"Your days are numbered." So said the voice.

"What?"

"Your days are numbered."

"What are you talking about? The psychic said I have a long life to live..." Oops... to the voice I protested and responded.

Then I thought to myself... gotta finish whatever I need to finish then...

And, the pigeon walked on... 8-O lol

Time

Some other sense seems to be becoming, habitually, distorted... that sense of time.

Either time seems to freeze... or slowing down with them motion slow...

Or, I come back to see the world... thousands and millions years after... in time... at the right point...

And... as time cease to be time and forms cease to hold forms...

to the psychiatrist I called... an appointment to make... 8-O lol

Form

When I was swinging leisurely by the park the other day....

I was relaxed and feeling nothing but "that feeling" moving myself...

As my head moved around in accordance with the random motion, my eyes scanned through the trees and them tall trees... for God knows how long...

Until, at some point, in my mind this thought....

Does there exist form?

Cease to be, seems, all forms... including the body itself as well...

Exist there only... them floating matters mistaken as forms...

(Then, since there exist no forms, I thought to myself... then why don't you move all mass from other parts of the body to my breasts and tighten them muscles at bit more as well.... 8-O lol)

Psychosomatization

So they spoke of psychosomatization as if it is something so bad.... or, perhaps, it is actually me and me myself who spoke of it with such connotations... 8-O lol

The matter of the fact is that...

There is never a point when my psycho and my soma exist separate of each other.

All them strange movements that I could only accomplish when solely letting go of my body....

I could still sense them and the bodily kind of feeling... despite of the fact that the soma takes on its forms.

Perhaps, there is a divorce between my psycho and soma... given that... after all these months, my psycho could not stop asking this question...

"Soma... how could you do those high tech movements on your own and why can't these movements be perform as per my request?"

And, why does it take a divorce as such to remind me how we are a unity--- be it psychosoma... or somapsycho... ? 8-O lol

And, one day... God forbids... if one day they make you doubt about the unity between your psycho and soma....

Ask them not for a what because labeling itself grants no how.

Demand them, instead, for a workable how to justify the probably mere bad mouthing about your psycho and soma....

Science

So I met up with this friend of mine.

If the degree of my stubbornness is like them million-year old iceberg, it won't be much easier to thaw off them iceberg of this friend of mine.

The only difference between the two of us is that... I know I am stubborn and he insists himself to be nothing stubborn.

So, during our conversation, I spoke of how the 氣 might have helped me walking out of the more severe state of disability.

For an established scientist specializing in radiology like him, inevitably is the 氣 thing considered as mock science since even social science, such as psychology, is considered pseudo-science to him.

At some point, we came back to the thought of "psychosomatization."

How could I achieve the state of recovery I am in in merely 3 months while disabled for almost the entire year....

Surely, concepts of mock science like 氣 has far less validity than the blank label of psychosomatization (speaking of my ever changing biases and mental model... 8-O lol).

What about the involuntary movement of my body and its relationship with psychosomatization?

Somewhere along the line such an inevitable question raised by him...

So I responded...

The matter of the fact is that... the movement has to be all bodily and involves no cognition... or, in other words, somatization in its purest form.

Or, I am just pure psycho.

So has been put by Maxine Greene... the confusion of interpretations.... 8-O lol

And, the matter of the fact is that... perhaps, he is but the mirror image of me in some plane of multidimensionality because, in him, I see me.

More than swing

So I got my back all upset the other day....


The day after when I went to the park to do my ordinary swinging activities, more than swing, again, the activities I engage in....

So I have been told... the perfect condition for me to be in is to be in still motion regardless how strong the wind blows... or 聞風不動....

Later on, I went hanging out... stubbornly I insisted on drinking them icy cold strawberry Margarita... only to find my body and mind signaling me messages of red light....

The spastic kinda feeling came back to me as I lied in bed waiting to fall asleep...

I tossed and turned all around in bed... yet, this sense of discomfort just won't allow me to fall into my dreams...

As I tossed and turned, this old memory came into my mind... the memory of my sleepless delusional mind about how people I care about were in danger, which triggered my fear for hurting the others and falling back to such delusional state of my own...

The same feeling must have woke me up in the middle of my sleep...

Funny enough... before all of the above occurred and after I got home that night, mama called and delivered a message from the doctor.... "Nothing icy for the next two years."

Then, last night, I went hanging out with this friend of mine...

To the bartenders I requested... "Could you please make some drink room temperature without ice?"

.... so that I could test out whether it is the ice that is, to me, worse or the alcohol....

Waking up today, so I thought to myself... does seem like it is the ice that is more evil....

Then, I went back to the park... finding myself more than swinging kind of movements some more....

Protected II

Funny how the topic came up concerning how my sister asked people to "take good care of me".... (which made me feel maybe I should have not introduced her to the friends of mine... 8-O lol)

The matter of the fact is that...

On my way to see that friend of mine, this thought occurred to me... so many people... in their own way and in secrecy, me trying to protect and to take care of.

I see it, though, at times, I might not reveal what I see...

I thank them, I feel indebted and I don't know what I could do to rid them of such responsibilities.

It makes me feel that... perhaps, I should really myself remove to free people of, for me, them special care- me to protect.... especially, when I am not quite sure how I their kindness repay can...

And, perhaps, this is why I couldn't understand the question asked by that psychiatrist...

"It must be tough."

And, guess this is why so I had said...

I am a brat so very spoilt... 8-O lol

Protected I

One of the psychiatrist I went to see back in Taiwan asked me a question like this....

"Do you live with anyone else?"

"Nope." I answered.

"Do you have any contact person when you are sick?"

"I guess my bosses in the office." So I replied.

Somewhere down the line in our conversation, she mentioned something like...

"It must be tough."

Despite my most sincere attempt to understand her comment, I still couldn't quite understand...

"What?"

She explained, "It must be tough for you to have to live by yourself and take care of yourself all alone."

....... 8-O

I walked out of the meeting... thinking to myself....

What does she mean when she said it must be tough?

How come I never knew that my life is tougher than anyone else's?

Is my life tougher than anyone else's, or, am I just to blind to see the toughness of my life? 8-O

Then, this friend of mine asked me out tonight.

Tough as my life is, I had my dinner at some fancy Italian restaurant in the East side.

Somewhere in our conversation, this friend of mine who met up with my sister in Shanghai revealed to me that my sister had asked him to "take good care of me."

This is not the first person to whom my sister had made the request....

Thinking about it... it makes me feel sort on the "fiery side" or 火氣大... thinking.. @#$%Y^&#$

Yet, it also occurred to me that...

Am I like endangered species in any capacity? Do I look like I needed to be protected?

Walking back home... I can't stop scratching my head wondering... am I like some endangered species that makes people feel that I need to be protected?

Just because I might have the propensity to go in and out of the nuts house and have been sort of physically disabled... does it mean I need to be in debt to people for their "special protection" about me?

Or, am I just too blind to see it-- either my lacking the ability to protect myself or others' attempts to "protect me" especially?

Friday, August 29, 2008

Blah blah blah

On my way home...

I thought to myself... all these years... I seemed to have done a lot of blah... blah... blah....

Then, I got home... and, apparently, more I blah......

Perhaps... in 情蘊 or Dasein, can't help I , overflowing, them, verbal diarrhea... under the influence of the 風真透 phenomena... 8-O lol



Remember shall I...

代誌也抹講蓋大條,
啊著煩惱甲強要擋抹條,

otherwise...

if 驚衰著緊落跑

lol

Relationship

So the psychic said...

"There is someone who is very attracted to you. Yet, everytime he tries to approach you. Something stops him."

So I thought...

What is mine is mine.. and.. what is not mine is not mine... especially when how many times did what I thought as mine turned to be not mine and how I have the talent of falling for the wrong ones? 8-O lol

So they say... 海海人生...



人講這心情,罕罕罕罕較快活,不通太陰沈,想著會驚,
有人真古意,定定嘛是有人變卦,這人情怎樣才看誒破。

人講這人生,海海海海路好行,不通越頭望,望著會茫,

有人愛著阮,偏偏阮愛的是別人,這情債怎樣計較輸贏。

輕輕鬆鬆人生路途阮來行,無人是應該永遠孤單,
阮會歡喜有緣你作伴,要離開笑笑阮無牽掛。

人講這人生,海海海海路好行,不通越頭望,望著會茫,
有人愛著阮,偏偏阮愛的是別人,這情債怎樣計較輸贏。

人講這人生,海海海海路好行,不通越頭望,望著會茫,
有人愛著阮,偏偏阮愛的是別人,這情債怎樣計較輸贏。

輕輕鬆鬆人生路途阮來行,無人是應該永遠孤單,
阮會歡喜有緣你作伴,要離開笑笑阮無牽掛。

人講這人生,海海海海路好行,不通越頭望,望著會茫,
有人愛著阮,偏偏阮愛的是別人,這情債怎樣計較輸贏,
這情債怎樣計較輸贏,這情債怎樣計較輸贏。

Although... so... what is it what I really want... I guess...



(However spicy girly it is... still like this song... 8-O lol)

The boy

So I was asked...

"Did you email back the boy?"--- with the boy referencing to my last jack ass (minus hell since I have promised God all will be forgiven... 8-O lol)

Two lives grown apart.

Two lives, possibly, never to cross.

Provided me not even his ex-wife...

Why even bother about it.... let me just leave him in peace... and me...



(Sorry... can't help finding this video funny.... lol)

The Z dynasty

So.. inevitably, I thought of this guy....

Young and foolish... God's gift...

I would have given up my entire life learning to make pretzels and do laundry for him...

Them nice view of the English bay in the winter when I sat on them stairs waiting for Lucy me to fetch...

"You want a diamond ring?"

Yes, so shalt I have responded.

Though never had we spoke according to his opinion.

Them days of wonder when I was white as them flowers that he bought me...

The day that I first saw his now beautiful wife---- when I was the bad woman while he was the cheating one...

Then, tonight, I thought of this song--- once his favorite...




So the last time I googled his name... same man with a wife and a daughter... still devastated I felt...



So tonight I, his name, googled again.... well... a married professor in business with four children...

I wondered... how, with the congenital stupidity of youth, I could have died for this guy shall he had wished....

I wondered... perhaps, all those relationships thereafter, I was just trying to recapitulate the same story....

I wondered... perhaps, for all these years, all that I have been trying was to make myself someone who could be "good enough" for a person to whom I won't go back and for whom I might no longer exist...

So goes the story about the end of the "Z" dynasty.

(Though, today, still, I think I am cuter than who is now is wife despite the fact that I might need to lose a good 10-15 bls now.... 8-O lol Vanity fair... vanity... lol.. and, guess, the real question is... when am I gonna be for myself... good enough?)

the triangle of Capri

I must have told you this story before...

Again, once upon a time when I was still so much younger and cuter... way back in the College...

I was in Capri...

That beautiful Italian island of capri....

So my friend and I met up with these two guys in town the first day we arrived....

To the song of Ace of base, I remember Giogio and I standing by the ruin overlooking the water... what a romantic view on a romantic site...



The day after, after my girlfriend and I decided to stay for another night, we met the other guy working for the ferry...

That guy enthusiastically asked us out again and asked to meet with again at the dock at 8:00 that same night...

So we arrived....

But... where is Giogio?

Giogio-- the cutie pie, the English speaker--- English speaking no more...

Then we saw...

Them two blond American girls in them shortest shorts....

So marks the story about the triangle of Capri.... 8-O lol

That apartment of mine in New York

Thinking about it....

Believe it or not, there was once upon a time when I had the potential of being a million dollar baby... although today, I might still be a million dollar baby in God knows what currency.... 8-O lol

So recently, I thought of this guy that I met, once upon a time, in Vancouver...

It was the time, when, in addition to all the other odd jobs I took as a chicken girl, a data entry girl, and, Dorathy's hard cookie.... I was trying to sell people kitchen knifes...

I forgot how I came across this guy... gotta be at some club or some bar...

In any case, we somehow hooked up and he allowed me to make a demonstration of the set of kitchen knifes I was selling...

Telling me all kinds of sweet things about my sell-ability on them knifes that I have never made a sell on through out all those times... 8-O lol

So we hang out a few times and he never had a chance to tough me even once....

And, when he realized that I was about to move to New York..... he mentioned his interest about buying an apartment in NYC... though I refused the offer... in the heydays of mine as was put by someone.... 8-O lol

So end the story about that apartment of mine in NYC... lol

And, God, why do you build me this way and why don't you make me change after all these years.... other than me no longer in my heydays?! 8-O lol


Married

Last night I got married for green card.... a cute guy I guess although I don't recall his face...

The second day I woke up, I didn't feel so pleasent for we had to manage to find a third party to go to the city court and to get the papers ready to apply for a green card...

Then I woke up.... not remembering whether in cold sweat...

Thinking...

Thank God...

I am no material to be getting married for a green card.... 8-O lol

Not I won't but I can't.... 8-O 8-X lol

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Old dog

Just when I thought my back is getting so much better.... I did it again... overdid the thing again called testing my limits...

What was required was one single task... wheeling chairs from one side of the office to the other side.

It would have been alright if I had wheeled one chair at a time.

But, no...

I have to move two at a time to the extent that the pains finally got their comeback. 8-O lol

The swinging exercises did alleviate some of the pains... yet, as the Chinese saying goes, 遠水救不了近火--- Water afar can't help near fire."

So I started icing my back again…. and, ok... took my Aleve...

Thinking…

Ice.. ice… baby…

Thinking…

Really can't teach an old dog new trick... I guess… despite all the blah blah blah of my thought disordered self--- all talk, no work... 8-O lol

And, either God knows what or my psychotic self must be thinking with a grim... didn't I tell you yesterday already about the "one country, two government" policy and the outcome of testing your own limits? 8-O lol 8-X

reincarnate

There is something in my mind all these times... at least recently...

The time has come to reincarnate...

Not that my expiration day is pending... I got a long life to live--- so said the psychic ... 8-O lol

Rather, it is about time to unload what I have been carrying on all these times... mainly... those things once were so very important, which today I am learning to let go of the control over what meanings and implications--- be it preventative and reactive interventions--- these experiences could afford...

The psychic also mentioned pain... associated with the time past...

To be real, who doesn't have pain, be it physical or psychological?

When the day is bad, my nerve pains still grows all over my back--- leaving me no choice but to swing and swing some more.

That pain is physical although--- unobservable.

I would have told you that... now I am letting go of my fights with them all... I feel the pain no more since they now have flown over the rooftop--- gone...

I had intended to tell you that no longer do I feel pain consciously and it would take my psychotic self to unveil my unconscious thoughts.

Yet, just when the sentences are being typed out...

This thought, to me, itself revealed...

There are pains along the way with each every step.

Moreover, these are not my own pains... these are pains shared by many others....

For instance...

The psychotic ones...

The depressed ones...

The psychosomatic ones...

The physically disabled ones...

And, the unfortunate bunch living with chronic pains...

The pain is collective although each every individual has to bear it alone...

I can describe to you how I can't stop myself from thinking the passersby talking about me when stating, "She speak to spirits" ---

Yet, unless you are also one with us with "a beautiful mind" and most of us without a nobel prize, it might still be difficult for you to understand experiences, so irrational.

Even for those of us who have been assigned the same label, what we know are still restricted to our own dasein.... and nothing more...

Could the pains be cure?

I might have to my answer till passing my best before date....

Could the pains come back?

Unfortunately, there is a higher chance of relapse after an onset. 8-O lol

On a night when my nerve pains is back to 6-7 on a scale of 10 after I exceeded the limit of my physical capacity, I can’t help wondering, other than taking a pain killer and put myself back on ice, what else could I wish for to help me alleviate the pains…

Still I think….

It might make it better if the pains could be turned something else… like the plants turning my chi into growth…

Perhaps, it will help.

And, perhaps, that’s what I mean by “to reincarnate”…

Good hypothesis, I think and who can help?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The trees

I like the trees and I have always felt that they are very nice to me through out all these times. 8-O lol

Recently, they hold an even more important role in my life---- so they say... trees could make use of the 氣 thing that comes out from my body and help them grow--- and, shall the theory be true.

So I say to the trees... take it, take it and make use of it if you could use it...

Then I thought of what I heard about 採氣 or collecting 氣... I don't know how it is done but I heard that some people might get too much 氣 from trees, which does nothing good for either themselves and the trees.

So I say to the trees... shall I inevitably get 氣 from you, please don't let me get too much because there is only so much I could use...

And, I was happy as well as the trees as we, together swing, feeling like one big happy family, and, sometimes in the wind...

In the park

As I was headlessly swinging in the park this morning, I saw this lady with her cute baby walked by...

I smiled at them and said, "Cute baby!"

The lady said to me, "She likes watching you. Is it Tai chi?"

I replied, "Yes. Something like it..." for I didn't think that she was quite so ready to hear about the whole chi moving my body kinda thing.... 8-O lol

It was not until then did I realize that the cute little one has been staring at me with that curious expression the whole time...

As I continued with whatever I was doing after they moved on, this thought occurred to me...

At least some entertainments for the baby....

Letting go

If there is every any lesson I have been learning through out all these times... and still learning. I am not sure when the time would be for the lesson to be finally learned; yet, since the psychic told me I have a long life to live, I guess I am in no rush of graduating from this lesson, for, otherwise, what else is ever so important to be learned?

At this point, one theme I could identify is the idea of letting go, or, more specifically, letting go of my control.

I thought that I have been my own guinea pig on the wheel for all these years.... on never ending-- the testing of my own limits and my control over some life's minor inconveniences. Only to realize that--- idiot, it's the limits that have been testing me, rather.

In fond memory, I could recall all the meaningless hard work I put into testing my own limits and the pushing of the envelopes...

The passionate belief that, with one's own will and hard work, all obstacles could be conquered, all goals could be accomplished and all uncontrollable could be controlled for.

Such hopelessly romantic notion of my dumb dumb youth...

Some examples...

The fight against depression...

The fight against my delusions and hallucinations...

The fight against the relapse of all conditions...

The fight against the side effect of the medications...

All the way into the fight against pain, disability, psychosomatization and all else otherwise not classified ending with a -tion.

So I started from testing my limits till, when the table turned around, finding it is actually the limits that are bigger than me. 8-O lol

Than, the following insight magically occurred to even a stubborn dumb ass like me...

I could fight with all my might against whatever I want to fight and make believe that I eventually would have the control over them all.... one day...

Yet, at this point, what I have seen so far... have I any control and does the sense of control exist only in my imaginary world? 8-O lol

On the other hand.... can't quite remember and understand now why, in the first place, I wanted myself to take up the responsibility of proving that God-knows-what thing called "control".... like these are things so very important though they don't seem so important now... or like I got nothing better to do or maybe I really have and had nothing better to do... 8-O lol

Guess this could be accounted as some reflections I have about the late Ratology: Down with Meds... (amen...) and, I guess, and indication of the educational implications of an eportfolio about ratprincess at fight, if not at war.... 8-O lol

One country, two governments

This has been happening...

Everyday when I walk to work, at the place when it starts to go down hills, my legs would move.... fast, fast and faster....

Today, on my way to work, same thing happened again. However, my body was going so fast that I was passing people by and more people by.... to the extend that if felt as if I was doing the power walk thing and there was not even a break for me to catch up with my breath. It also felt as if my body was moving ahead of me while all that I could do was trying to catch up with it as much as possible. (ya, my body but not me... 8-O lol)

After work, same thing happened.

So I got home and I got out again to go back to the park....

On my way out, this voice, that felt like me, had me told...

You want to come back. So you are back.

You want to get back to work. So you are back to work.

However, for the time being and for the rest, the decision is still mine.... how your time is to be disposed.

In the day time you are to exercise in a state of thinking no thoughts.

In the night time you are granted your words.

Resist not--- to yourself...

Just accept.

Let go of control.

That's how we heal.

Later, I thought... mind and body...

How funny my mind and body decided to adhere to this "one country, two governments" policy while there is only me and me myself to be governed... 8-O lol

Then... this thought...

Time to arrange an appointment with my new psychiatrist-- third party offshore outsourcing so to speak..... to monitor the separating land of my mind and body and "me".... 8-O lol

And, man... isn't life funny? 8-O lol

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Schizo-affective

The sentiments I got from the post "Why" I made yesterday seem to be sort of on the depressive side...

So after that post and the post about "The words" that come out from my mouth... I took my Seroquel and went night night...

Waking up this morning, I felt fresh and reenergized.... life is beautiful regardless....

No wonder some of them psychiatrist label me as schizo-affective....

The schizo or psychotic kinda symptoms do have some impact on my affective state, I guess... (although this is not really how they define schizo-affective.... lol)

That thing I call 氣

Since I have been doing the 氣- or chi-related kind of activities these past few months, and, given that they seem to work for me, I have been recommending 氣功 or chi Kong related exercises to many people I know....

Yet, to be honest...

I can't quite tell you what exactly 氣 is other than it is the thing that moves around the body leading the circulation of blood...

I can't tell you what specific sets of movements to engage in like any other types of 氣功 or chi Kong since what I do is quite the contrary to all other types of 氣功 or chi Kong.... while other types of 氣功 or chi Kong requires one to guide the movement of 氣 through mind and body, what I do is more similar to the thing called 自發功 where only 氣 and 氣 leads the body movements, not the mind...

At the same time, I can't tell you how to do the 自發功 thing either since I am not yet quite sure whether I have achieved the state of letting my head not engage in leading my body movement and let 氣 be the sole force guiding my body movement.

All that I could tell you is...

Whatever the 氣 thing is...

Acupuncture and 氣 (chi) related exercises have helped big time in my recovery from pain and immobility.

3 dollars left

After work, I walked down the blocks...

Passing home, I kept on walking till this psychic lady stopped me.

We had seen each other many a time down the street.

She seemed to be very determined today and insisted me stopping for a reading. Feeling her determination, I decided to stop resisting once for a change.

Having lending out most of the money I have today, I looked all over into my purse and told her all I got was 3 dollars left today.

3 dollars only left... she still had me sat down and put on the desk a deck of card.

She told me to split the deck of card into two, put them into one, and, make a wish.

I did as I was told... and wished for a full time job.

Laying the cards three at a time on the desk, she started telling me about me and my life as well as the predicaments that she sees I am in.

Many things she talked about... love, career, health and so on.

It is almost like a therapy session briefly addressing all topics anyone is forced to face any given day in life.

"You are a good person with a good heart. " Nice to my ears... so I happily agreed even though it might mean I am an angle in disguise... 8-O lol

"You would help people with all that you could but other people might not do it in return for you."

Thinking about what has happened in my life so far and the different kinds of help I have received at all different capacity....

I plainly told her... "I don't think so."

She looked sort of surprised and repeated it again...

I thought a minute and, still, the same conclusion...

Others also helped me a lot regardless whether I had lent help to them or not.

Then, many more things were mentioned till something like the following note...

Essentially, there is a woman who I have known for a long time and who is very jealous of me. She is the kind of person who would be all sweet in your face and speak all things ill in your back. She had made the worse wishes for me, wanting me to fail in love, in career and in health...

"Do you have the person in your mind?"

Looking at her, I frankly answered, "No," wondering... who on earth would give so much of a rat's ass about me.... 8-O lol

Thinking of the notion itself... my first instinct was... oh, man, so much hate... must be a very unhappy person having to bear such thoughts of darkness.

She then told me, "Ask me questions. Any questions."

So I asked two and only two questions for there is nothing else I feel worth asking...

"Is there a God?"

"How do you know there is a God?"

She said that there is a God and it is God's gift for her to be a healer, to have the ability to see the aura over my head and so on....

Yet, such answer doesn't seem to be good enough for I could not see the aura above my head that she could see.... guess, just like how the others might feel when I speak of the chi I feel...

Towards the end, she suggested me to let her light candles for me for cleansing purposes.

Yet, I responded... what will come will come. If this is what has to come, there will be a way for me to walk out of it.

The session ended with me thanking her for the reading and leaving her the only 3 dollars left in my purse.

Walking away, I wondered... shall it be true and shall there really be someone holding wishes so very dark...

Who could that be?

Yet, the question of the "Who" doesn't seem to be a right one...

Perhaps, the question should be...

Would it be possible for people to be holding thoughts so dark?

Or...

What does it take?

I try to imagine how it might feel... yet, such prefer I not...

One thing I can say is... it must be draining...

Then, I realized....

How lucky I am--- not having to live with thoughts as such....

So they say...

Conflicts beget conflicts...

Bad energy begets bad energy....

Already does it take work to maintain positive... thoughts as such I fancy not...

So... shall God exist... Thank God.... Such I fancy not.

Monday, August 25, 2008

The words

Recently I often ponder... how, for my blog, writing requires no deliberation, and, how I could hardly recall my own words after they are out...

Then, I came up with this theory...

It is the "thought disorder" of mine that keeps this blog in the night time, and, this is one reason why 99.99999...% of the times I have no idea what the hell I am talking about...

It could be Seroquel, my antipsychotic drug, that keeps me forgetting 99.999999...% of things that came out of my blog, if not my mouth... 8-O lol

Why

After work and before I came home, I took a detour to do some more of my swinging activity by the park for a reason quite simple--- 5 hours straight, I worked on completing a task I have been assigned involving the entering and double-check of some data.

Nobody told me to do it 5 hours straight.

Nobody told me to get it all done by today.

If there is anyone at fault, it would be my own fault for I could not beat that obsessive compulsive propensity of mine to try to push things through once I start it.

So I stubbornly got it done and that's why I took it to the park again...

At some point, as I finally opened my eyes to see the world around, I saw the setting sun peeping through the trees.

Though that beauty should bring forth happiness and harmony...

What came to my mind was a question of a different kind...

"God, why did you send me back?"

Or, more appropriately, how would you allow me to spend more time on amounting to nothing simply due to strange propensity of mine wanting to finish what I started (ok, in addition to the tuition that has been paid. lol)?

They say the back log of H-1 visa is all the way into 2010... meaning even if I get a job today I might not be able to work until then.

Wouldn't you have foreseen such circumstances?

Don't you expect me to move on with my life some other way else?

If it is your will to make New York but a transitory stop and you shall know fairly well that stubborn nature of mine.... Haven't you stopped me me once? Why didn't you stop me for the second time (although I surely would still be bitching about you in that case)?

In my endless swinging... hopelessly I wondered...

"Take it outside of yourself and you will know why.." So I heard.

No longer is that good enough an answer for that might just be a situation dependent auditory hallucination-- far too habitual...

Then, I turned around, facing, in the distance, St. John the Divine in the sun...

I need an answer... tell me why... give me a sign to prove your existence for hearing your voice is but hearning voices (8-O lol)... so I asked.

For a while, there was silence and silence... and more silence as I swung on and on...

Then there came a simple word... "Green card." 8-O

"So predicted your delusions the very first time. It was just not yet time."

What the hell? So I thought...

No full time job to sponsor, no more money to do self-sponsor, no American man to get married to, and, no material for that green card marriage thing...

How on earth am I gonna get a green card?

So as I was typing out the paragraphs about... this thought to me came...

"It will only come when you no longer want it for the same reason you had wanted it before."

And.. I wonder... even if I really get a green card, will I doubt the existence of God no more?

(And, chances are... if God really exist and what God says after reading this posting is... none of the above has anything to do with me... or maybe you should consider a career in creative writing instead to make the best use of your talent... 8-O lol)




(Oh.. My God... this video is so very 那卡西.... 8-O lol)

Sunday, August 24, 2008

The price of being stubborn

I was hanging out with some friends at a Cafe today...

Among us, only one was born an American with the other three of us from Africa, Asia and Europe.

We spoke of the many things experienced by Aliens like us.

We also spoke of how my application for the US visa got denied first and granted, later--- while the common wisdom says that... once a denial, forever a trouble. 8-O lol

At some point, I was told that the lady I newly met today is a holistic healer... and that opens up a different line of topic... is there such thing as the universal power or God's will?

The matter of the fact is that... so far as I am concerned, if the Visa had been granted way back in June and I made it back to attend the course early in July as planned, to date, I might still be crippled with a cane because it took me all the way into August to reach a state of recovery that allows me to walk, though with stops still, without a cane.

In a sense, however funny it might sound, I have to thank the US immigration for not having granted me the Visa back in June. Without that denial, I won't be, hopefully, trained well enough by the rehab doctor of mine in performing the swinging activities of mine...

Call me superstitious as you will... yet, after all that this past year and more, I can't fight but thinking---

Perhaps, it is true that all that had happened so far does have a good cause.

Perhaps, it is God's grace or the benevolent act of some universal power to shake my life up through that perfect fall.

Shall that fall have not occurred.... 14 months after...

I might still be hanging on to that job wishing it to turn full time-- the same job on which I got injured and, today, exist no more.....

I might still be trapped within the ordinary kind of psychotic ups and downs... wondering what it would be like- life, post my second major psychotic episode.

I might still be running up and down, thinking I am moving somewhere while, in reality, simply circling around like a doggie chasing its own tail....

Then, there came the fall.... a perfect fall...

A fall that turned the abstract real.... pain into pain and immobility into immobility.... (and this is why some people would call my condition as the manifestation of psychosomatization).

So I live through pain and immobility, and, more pain and immobility.... while, thrown to me, some more curve balls...

Denial of green card application....

Denial of treatment and the end of disability benefits...

Denial of visa...

En route and through my blog, I was even able to document each every step it took for me to make it into the cuckoo's house and to come out of it.... (some achievement I only wish to accomplish once... 8-O lol)

Then, this thought me told....

It takes no less than a perfect fall to shake me out of the state I had been trapped in, for someone stubborn as I am... sort of like 瞑眩反應, I guess.... 8-O

At the same time, there is no doubt that much have I gained through out the time after my perfect fall... all of them... I owe them all to the perfect fall engineered by God or any other kind of supreme universal power...

(Yet, it doesn't mean the institution is, morally, at no fault... the added gains I cooked up in my head are my added gains while your fault is still your fault although there is nothing I could do and I will bother myself about it... remember how the song goes... "God is watching us, God is watching us, from a distance" 8-O lol--- oh, God... did I just sin again? lol)

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Though I try to get away

In theory, when I am doing the swinging kind of activities, the kind of 氣 that comes out of my body is 濁氣--- excellent for the plants but no good for other people.

As a result, although one has to be as close as "a foot" away from me, I try to get away from people as much as possible when exercising.

Unfortunately, through I try to get away from people, when exercising by the Riverside Park, there are always people who would insist on passing me by--- inches away--- strangely close.

"What else could I do to keep them away from me for their own sake?" So I, to myself, ask...

Shall I put up a sign from tomorrow on... "Fire Hazard! Keep off!" or "This chick is crazy! Keep off!" 8-O lol

And, of course, it won't quite matter shall you believe in the 氣 thing not... Yet, in that case, my involuntary movements could be used to prove my being very off... How enticing... 8-O lol

Light a candle

I went downtown by city hall today.

On my way back, I walked down Broadway and passed the Trinity Church.

Something told me to go into the church, and, as I entered the door.... this voice I heard, "Light a candle."

Not finding them candles at first... I sat there and rested, doing what I always do in churches and other religious kind of place...

On my way out, candles I found and I did what I was told by my voice... "Light a candle." 8-O lol

Them mosquitoes on 處暑

8:30 something this morning, when I was still trying to wake up, dad found me on skype and called to tell me I shall do my funky swinging exercise even more diligently for today is 立秋 (the beginning of fall) or something else about 秋. Ended up, it should be 處暑 or the official end of the summer heat.

So, after my morning shift, I went back to Riverside park to swing a little some more.... resulting in bites, by them mosquitoes in New York... 8-O lol

Icing outcome

Last night I tested the theory on--- ice....

Today and, even last night, I woke up to the unmeasurable outcomes....

Last night, I woke up to this extremely uncomfortable kind of feeling of my legs spastic-- spasm, oh, spasm...

This morning I woke up to the return of my back pains... them nerve pains and nerve pains....

Both could be seen as the indicators of 氣 failing to come down...

Although, unfortunately, correlation is not causation...

It could be the tension gained through the working hours.

It could be the thing called self-fulfilling prophecy...

Or, it could be the icing outcome.... 8-O lol

Friday, August 22, 2008

Defy

I had always wanted to make myself believe that I could God's will to defy.

Ok, you give me my propensity for depression and psychosis as well as the adjustment in meds as the consequences...

Yet, with the exercises in the gym, I could thy will to defy... cutting the time short in the time required for adjustment.

Then, I realized....

Short on the ability to even work... forget about the 45-minute-long of exercises on that arm-ecliptic....

Defying was I not...

It was just an opportunity granted...

Grateful

Today, remain I grateful to people... and religious people.

Many of them, prayed for me if not prayed with me, part of my ordinary life to restore.

Although I would like to believe in God(s) and the associated miracles, I could not fight off this fear of magical thinking and its consequences, especially when, you see, I "speak" to God directly. 8-O lol

Yet, today, I realized myself finding relief in their beliefs...

So am I grateful....

日正當中

In the posting The day I went shopping without a cane, I mentioned that my rehab doctor told me how the clips I took could be used to encourage people to think more positively about their condition.... by asking them to compare their condition with mine.


In effect, the doctor seemed to have used the phrase "日正當中" to describe how my life was like right before the fall.


I never thought of it that way.

Yet, looking back, I can't feel that it might have been true that my life than was 日正當中--- at high noon.

I was doing everything I was trying to do...

Getting my green card application package ready...

Getting my job done in trying to work with the inner city schools...

Getting my ordinary gym works to relief stress... and to defy that propensity of mine--- which you could call mental. 8-O lol

Then, there came the collapse... the chair dissolved below me while 日正當中...

Today, all has or had been gone while, once upon a time, all was 日正當中.

lol sigh

Indebted

I wish such I do not have to believe in...

Yet, I could find no evidence to discredit the following....

I am indebted to the school and the United States. This is the reason why I had the fall and I am back (call it my pure madness as you mind) for much of my tuition as well as room and board sponsored by my work in the States.

I only wish that....

The point of the fall... all even out and my life's credit starts afresh.

Profess

I have asked God to let me come back to take care of the unfinished business.

I am back.

There is no telling whether it is God's will or purely incidental.

One thing I have learned so far is that... all possibilities are possible.

So today, I thought, didn't I promised that... shall it be what is the will that I be a professor, I will take it as a job....

Then, I realized that... shall that position be mine not... won't be so bad me taking on a different job for... that might be God's way of saying... you not that kinda material... (good point) 8-O lol

On--- ice

Ice.....

How I craved for ice, 冰, the whole time when I was in Taiwan....

Yet, this is the theory about 氣 or chi so far... icy cold freeze the 氣 inside of one's body and it is absolutely a no no to eat anything icy.

So, being a chicken shit while wanting to test the theory out, today, while hanging out, I took 2 of my beloved strawberry margaritas with cups of warm water....

To be tested, tomorrow, how 氣 flows around my body as the clips might show...

Like what I said tonight, somehow, "Inhuman is the only way to live".... (no wonder I can't stop thinking whether hysteric personality is what I really have... 8-O lol)

Back to work

I went back to work for the second day... running after this boss of mine, harassing her with this same question....

"Anything else I could do?"

Collecting some hours for my rent surely is important...

Yet, what I really want or really need is, I guess, simply the sense of working... making progress on tasks and getting it done, regardless what the tasks might be.

There might have been time in the past and plausibly in the future when I complain about "work"...

Yet, at this point, the acts or the expectations of having to work on accomplishing something bring forth this sense of happiness--- overflowing with seemingly no good cause... 8-O lol

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Free source data

Looking for free datasets online regarding pain... along the way, I discovered the following sources...


StatLib---Datasets Archive

Free raw data to play with including the famous iris dataset.

http://lib.stat.cmu.edu/DASL/allsubjects.html

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

踏破鐵鞋無覓處-- about them torn iron shoes

"踏破鐵鞋無覓處,得來全不費工夫" is a Chinese expression. It means you put in the effort into achieving something with all your might, the kind of efforts that could wear off a pair of iron shoes... only to acquire it by chance without any effort.

I have never worn iron shoes before.

During my days of feet dragging, I definitely had no intention of wearing shoes made of iron.

I might have worn off shoes before; however, I have never worn off a pair of shoes so bad that the front of the shoes become so very torn that the toes would come out to see the world 8-O lol--- at least, not until after the fall...

During a strange state, when I could finally lift my legs yet not quite able to lift the whole feet, I would be strolling up and down the street--- dragging my feet.

If I recall correctly, it must have taken less than a week for the front to be torn.... as indicated by the pictures below...







So what did I think of when taking these pictures just now?

"Does make sense for my right side seems to have more problems in walking although it was the left side that was once half-paralyzed...." 8-O lol

P.S., I have taken pictures of my broken shoes as per request of my rehab doctor back in Taiwan so that they, possibly, could be used to show the others... "Has your condition been as bad as this?" Some minor contributions afforded by the minor inconveniences of my life.. I guess... lol

For those who are interested, following are the URLs for my doctor's clinic and blog....
http://www.drhsu21.com/
http://tw.myblog.yahoo.com/drhsu21

Thankful

I sat there quietly without a sound, with one word triggering a whole mountain of internal dialogues

"Thankful" was the only thing I could think of.

All that have happened in the past... regardless how annoying they might have been at times... regardless how the rereading of my old blog postings might have refreshed my memories about the time that passed... and more of the bluh bluh bluh....

Like delusions, my head stubbornly decides to see light in the dark and beauty in people's heart --- extracting all else as life's lessons--- leaving me no choice but be thankful.

I try to defy la forza... to be thankful not.... yet... can't quite make myself think of anything to be "unthankful" of...

Like delusions, my head regressed me back to thankful thoughts...

Could incurable my propensity to be thankful have something to do with my psychotic predilection? Is this a manifestation of my thought disorder? Oh.. my God... or shall I say... thank God?! 8-O lol

I would like to

I would like to believe in God(s)
and
I would like to believe in miracles

Yet,
magical thinking built up easy

I refrain myself from believing in God(s)' miracles

So I thought and such reply I received...

The most important thing is to accept thyself

Acceptance, a task, like walking, the fundamental...

Carrying weight

Although my walking is now so much better without a cane, I am still having difficulties carrying weight and handling slopes.

Today, I went back to school carrying with me a lot of gifts I brought back from Taiwan.

Being a cheapskate like me in the current economic down time, I took it to the road instead of taking a bus... let along that thing we call taxi... lol En route, I gave out packages of Taiwanese snacks to thank people for their concern and consideration as well as the gifts they have offered me all along.

This is the first time for me to be carrying weights this heavy for so long (actually it might be considered really light by you especially I used bag with rollers to offset some weight) a distance (actually only 10 Manhattan blocks lol) since over a year ago before my accident.

With numerous inevitable stops along the way and after about 1 hours, I finally made it to the destinations and gave out this first load of gifts to the people I am so very thankful of.

The trip back home without all the packages was so much easier without the weight... which seems to be teaching me another lesson of "it is better to give than to receive." lol

On my way home, I took a detour to St. John the Divine.

As I walked into the cathedral, I heard voices greeting me... "welcome back!"

There was no sense of surprise.

It was simply, "now you are back... welcome back!"

So I sat down and rest... letting thoughts and voices running around at their own will....

Reflecting on the trips I have traversed so far and the nice people who have been sent from heaven... my guardian angels....

"Thank you." So I said to God.

And, more importantly, "Thank you for my thanking you."

Then, I felt... constraints on me getting released one after another.... telling me that...

"No longer do you need to move with the burden (like having monkey on my back I guess... 8-O lol) although the weights are still yours."

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Back in town

Finally got back to the states....

One thing I could tell you is that....

A good 16 hours straight on the airplane was nothing conductive to the conditions of my back....

In addition, I don't know how much of it has to do with my having to be in the sitting position too long and not doing enough of my swinging, yet, one thing I know is that... somehow, my walk-ability seemed to have gone down big time while in the air...

Wonder whether others in the same boat feel the same?

Monday, August 18, 2008

Down with Meds-- Recovered so far

I have been reposting selected postings from my old Ratology Blog to the backup version of it at "http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/." These include on postings made after June 19th 2007, the day the chair collapse under me, I felt in sitting position, and rendered me disabled for over 1 year..

In addition to sharing with you the journey I have traversed so far in the pain and disability department, one thing I am really interested in is to see whether the documentations could provide me with some insights into the process of my turning into institutionalizable grade kind of psychotic. Or, that's what I would like you to look for rather....

Tomorrow I shall fly

So they said all flights are fully booked from now till the beginning of September.

So they said all that could do was to put me on the waiting list.

So I put my name on the waiting list to get a seat back to New York... for Aug. the 19th...

I called them everyday to check on the condition...

Then, I called them every hour to check how things are going....

The lady moved my request higher up on the priority list a bit in the morning...

The lady rushed my request ever more in the afternoon plus adding my name to tomorrow's waiting list.

I finally decided to go online to their website to check whether all flights are fully booked...

I saw, with my own eyes, fully booked the flights I have been assigned.

Except for... with seats, two earlier flights....

I called the airline company again and asked the lady who answered...

"Could I get on the other flight?"

She checked and said yes.

Worse timing might have made the flight sold not so hot... that's why there were still seats then (although all seats gone by now).

The moral of the lesson....

Why did it take me so long to see the alternative flight?

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Jewelry making

One thing I always wanted to learning during the age of disabling pain and diminished mobility was jewelry making.... Yet, I never really got to it...

Today, I went with my mom to the Jade Market and got some jade beads....

Finally, this thought is put into practice...

Like many others suffering from disabling pain and diminished mobility, I had turned to crafting during that era. Something is telling me that, from now on, the crafting era will come to an pause till t's, perhaps, the retirement age.....





Saturday, August 16, 2008

Rainbow and greed

The day I spotted a rainbow the third time
My psychotic self a thought to me generously revealed...

Perhaps
a toll to take
the lesson to learn

What I have committed
The sin of greed
in 功與名

Worst of all
no insight about my having committed the sin

Yet, rainbow, tell me

Is there any meaning at all?
Am I just being psychotic? 8-O lol

Rainbow

The first time I saw the rainbows hanging across the sky, it was June 15th and I was more than anxious about what is to happen now that I am here while my room is raising mosquitoes in New York.

When I saw the double rainbows hanging across the sky, this voice told me that I will be back the third time I spot the rainbow again.

The second time I spotted the rainbow again, it was sometime between now and then....

I had become less anxious and more at a loss.... 8-O lol

Then, this afternoon I saw the rainbow again... except for this time, the rainbow only faintly appeared there... leaving me to doubt whether there is anyone other than me spotted it... while this picture I took could show you that it was not my visual hallucination. 8-O lol

Good timing, I thought to myself....

Now that I have got my passport and my US visa in the mail... one blockage lifted...

The next blockage to be lifted before I get back to my new life is.... a seat back to NYC in a time when all flights are fully booked till t's September....

I hate holding magical thinking... yet, I can't help wondering to myself...

Does the rainbow tell me that I will be departing for the next stage of my life next week as wished?

If I 碎碎念 till all kinds of Gods' ear hurt, including my 元神, will they grant me the pass to fly again?

Or, I am just hearing too much into my auditory hallucinations when it was simply rainbow.

One big news in Taiwan these two days is the scandal involving the family of the previous president 陳水扁, which shocked the whole society including those of us who were once so very proud of a son of Taiwan to be the president.

Be it really a money laundry monkey business or not, the previous president 陳水扁 did come out to confirm and apologize for having committed illegal conducts.

Regardless, Taiwanese people have been hurt and, hopefully, this is not to the last straw that collapse the camel for it has been a touch journey--- the Road towards real democracy in Taiwan.

Among all the comments, I found a state of made by the previous vice president 李秀蓮 to be most pertinent, “又笨,又貪”—or “stupid and greedy.”

The whole thing is totally stupid because doesn’t he know that the KMT people will try their best to dig out his dirty laundry? If you want to be a thief, at least, you need to be doing a much better job... So many others have engineered all those 國產變黨產 thing and have also, as politicians, taken mucho mucho of people’s money; yet, they were at least good enough to not be exposed. Why can’t you be at least be, more smooth, a criminal?

With all the money involved in this scandal, I need not speak more about the idea of “greed.”

Could it be really true that 天下烏鴉一般黑…. politicians equate corruptions?

Now that the scandal has been exposed… while 陳水扁’s bad name going down the history, I can’t stop wondering the kinds of implications such event would have on the offspring and the road ahead for them.

Most important of all, while 馬先生 (the president of Taiwan who voluntarily decide to call himself no president in front of the Chinese governmental officials) is working his way preparing to sell Taiwan short to China, 陳水扁 sold the future of Taiwanese people for his greed.

When will we see the light again… 台灣子弟的出頭天?

Yet, Taiwanese forget not… one man’s wrong doing represents not the doom of the Taiwanese heart….

Still… sad so sad…官場現形記--- so it is…. all for greed.

這次第,
怎一個貪字了得?

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The day I went shopping without a cane

Tonight I went shopping for shoes without a cane. My walking is fairly stable although there is still room for improvements.

Well... sort of sadly, after over a year, I can't quite remember what it was like last time I walked freely without a cane.... and, perhaps, it might have something to do with normal and healthy people just take their "walk-ability" for granted and pays it no mind.

Later in the night, I sat down in front of the computer rereading the postings I have made in the blog "Down with Meds -- A revelation of Ratology" that I took down earlier in the year.

The original intention was to look for information concerning my mental states in the months before I went into the Cuckoo cuckoo's nest in February.

Yet, instead, what really caught my attention were the postings I made then concerning the pains and disability I had endured...

Thinking of the stories my rehab doctor told me.... how he used the video clips I took (the ones that show how badly I had to struggle to move forward) to make people realize that their conditions are actually and comparatively much better off.... (consider that as the only contribution to the greater good in my 英英美代子 state of being... lol 8-O)

I decided to create the Down with Meds blog again to repost selective postings....

My intention is not to simply tell you how I was doing then... but to show people that... shall you be in the same shoe I was....

It is OK for you to see the dark side of life... it is only normal.

No one else's will know your pain regardless how empathic they attempt to be.

No one else's will understand how it feels to think to yourself.... "Once upon a time I also moved like them."

Even if some of you are "gifted" as I am... taking so long a time to do away with the disabling pains and their consequences....

Remember, after all is said and done, today, for the first time in almost 14 months, I went shopping for new shoes without a cane.

And, regardless what people think... prolonged as the journey might have been, I am seeing light in the end of the tunnel, I will walk myself out of it, and, I am damned proud of it....

http://ratologybk.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

What are you going to do?

During my visa interview, my 門神, the US immigration officer asked a question like the following....

"What are you going to do with all these degrees?"

I replied, "A professor, I guess."

For a moment, it was no longer an immigration officer I was facing... rather, a career counselor... lol

The matter of the fact is that....

There was a point in time when all that I want is to be a top-notch academic in whatever topic I was interested in....

I was more than dedicated into the thing called scientifically based research.... so very dedicated that, one winter's night, under the influence of a concussion, I went back to the school that has been closed to work on a publication manual. And, that concussion was acquired because I slipped and felt when attempting to get back to the school that has been closed.

I wanted to be a "professor" and be a guru like those gurus recognized in the field.

How I used to have so much passion and belief in these pursuits...

Yet, I don't know when and I don't know how....

What was once a life's goal to die for gradually ceased to be appealing to me....

Perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that... I hit a wall...

I struggle and struggle.... yet, I just can't find a way to bridge the gap among theories, research, methodology, practice and actual implications.

It is sort of the same problem I had...

when failing to visualize the regression line when looking at the formula...

when reading about mental model theory but not able to envision a model in a multidimensional plane...

Worse of all, I came to realize that I don't really want to be forced to publish articles and reciting others' work for the sake of meeting that publication quota. Not to mention, look at how I write in this blog, I am not really that kind of material doing the academic kinda writing. Let along I can't honestly tell people in my journal articles that 99.999...% I really have no idea what I was talking about. 8-O lol

In addition, to be honest, those professors seem to be too smart and studious... (guess I am just lazy lol ooops...)

So, I guess, this is the reason why, for the past few years, I tried and tried to escape from a life in academia although I still live in it.

So, the night before the Visa interview, I pray and pray to every kinda possible supreme power I could conceive of.

Among all the words of 碎碎念, I gave my words to whoever it is...

I said, "Let me go back to finish my unfinished business. If you let me to it, I will do everything you want me to do including (oh, no) going to be a professor and work hard on publishing as many journal articles as possible."

Then, the voice called telling me something like...

"You have been given enough slack to do whatever you want to in your own way. Now it is time to do it while facing the constraints." (Insinuating I have been given the opportunity to write in my own way through my blog. Now I have to also do it by the official code of conduct.)

Then, the immigration officer the question popped...

"What are you going to do with your degrees?"

I didn't even have the time to react when this most unlikely answer came strait out of my mouth (unless I am a liar so very skilled)....

"A professor, I guess."

How I gave my words out loud so very lightly--- I know not...

The only thing I know is...

My dear 門神, such an answer, approved... and so the visa...

So, if I tell you that the step next to thanking everyone is to find a position as a professor, and, shall I retire one day as a professor, you will know the reason why.....

It is because, once upon a time, a visa was issued to me to get back to the states to finish my unfinished business.... including taking care of that room of mine that I have been paying rent to raise mosquitoes? 8-O lol

And, did I tell you that... when I decided to study psychology back in the college, the decision was made because, in the TV program "the Wise guy," the main character Ken Wall had a mental break down and FBI sent him to see a psychologist.... Ya, that's the real reason why I did not go to study to become a dentist, a physician, a mathematician, physicist, etc... lol

(BTW, since this Mr. 門神 has such an important role in my time so far, wonder whether he is available? lol)

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The puzzled doggie

I was doing my 英英美代子 kinda 自發功 thing at my uncle's in the country.

Then, I found 美麗 the doggie sat down looking all bewieldered by what I was doing...

You could find the doggie could be found at the lower left side of the screen... and, at least, that's gotta be some form of entertainment to 美麗... lol

From Visa to the US

I got the Visa?! 8-O

I went for the Visa Interview today and.... at the end of the day, or, in the middle of the day, more accurately, I found myself in a strange position... I got the Visa to go back to see the mosquitoes I have been raising in my room?! 8-O

Based on hearsay, once your application gets denied once, it shall make it more difficult to obtain the visa again.

However, after almost two months wait and about 10-20 minutes standing in front of the station of that 門神 of mine, I saw him handed me that piece of paper with which I could go to the next counter to make arrangement for delivery--- a station I failed to visit the last time.

Many people who knew of my condition had tried many different ways to encourage me. They all hypothesized that I should be able to get the Visa to get back in today's interview based on the theory of God(s), 元神, etc.

Despite the "theoretical" differences, and, regardless whether it is before and after today's interview, after seeing the progress I have made within the last 3 months, they all came to a conclusion that--- it is God's will that the first round of visa application got denied because I won’t be where I am without the last two months although there is still room for improvement.

Of course, there surely would still be others thinking that my

The utility of 英英美代子 kind of recovery could be very well explained away by the theory of psychosomatization and it has nothing to do with that visa thing at all.

(Speaking of the concept of bias-free research... children... lol).

Personally, I got another theory--- the 門神 theory… naming, somehow, the gate-keepers or the 門神 of the United states heard of my prayers and decided to say yes this time because they are done with my involving them in my verbal diarrhea.

In a more delusional perspective, I would even go so far as to say that, somehow, some people were flooding them with messages to give me that visa--- digitally, telepathically, etc. 8-O

So, I walked out of the building of the American Institute in Taiwan—searching for a payphone to inform my family about the news while wondering to myself how the outcome could be like such while all theories seem to fair equally in predicting it.

I also pondered--- maybe my digital prayer did go to God’s attention and, perhaps, now it is about time for the blockages of my life to be gradually lifted….

In my mind, this question and its answer resurfaced….

“How could it take so long?” Asked my rehab doctor and many others including me, myself.

Not an indication of God’s vengeance (although I highly suggest you to not call God bad names still, especially not to climb all the way up to St. John the Devine for that purpose lol oops--- God, I have sinned again)…

But, simply….

“Because you could do it….. Beside, without all these things, there would be no story at all.” An answer that kept on hovering over my head in the form of auditory hallucinations and a comment absolutely psychoanalyzable.

Among all events involved, there came the visa thing…

The visa thing… so heavy yet so light… an end to a beginning and the beginning to an end… like all others that have crossed my mind….

Now the outcome is out-- the associated null and alternative hypotheses cease to matter.

Leaving, matter, one thing only… namely, the next.....

Starting with thank all of you I have in mind and all of you I may know not of.

Since there is so much and so many to thank, I might as well simply 謝天 or thank God…

Not only because 天地 won’t mind, but because… we all are here someone else to assist- the shape of their stories to construe.

(And, geezzzzz… from Visa to謝天… I am quite some BS-ter shall you be able to comprehend them run-on and unfinished sentences lol)

Monday, August 11, 2008

Prayer

Dear God,

Oh... how I hate to write....

Something tells me that I have to tell you the following before I can go to sleep.... because, perhaps, wireless networks work better than telepathic communications.

If what you want me to do is to learn to forgive, along the way, I have learned to forgive... including all my jackasses.

If what you want is to show what it be like doing that free-falling thing, I have fallen freely from the collapsed chair and, today, about 1 year and 2 months later, I have regained my ability to stand and walk on my two feet if permitted.

If what you want is to see how human reacts to not so good things, you have heard me cursed you out and kicked my ass, possibly, by my frozen 氣.

They say God is forgiving if you repent.

They say God will grant it shall you wish for it.

I say God is still my friend and let the moment come for yours spoilt brat, again, wings flapping and get on moving--- starting from the Visa thing (show me the Visa).

Thank God for all that I have been given and please, from this moment on, help me lifting the blockage.

Sincerely yours,
Ratprincess

Prayer... to the gate-keeping god(dess)

I will be going to the interview for a Visa again tomorrow.

For all of you who come across this blog, please help me say a prayer... to the Gate-Keeping God(dess) (門神) of the United States of America.

Since I have obtained a masters degree in Developmental Psychology and a doctoral degree in Instructional Technologies and the Media, I am sure I am qualified to pursue the course of studies that is required of me.

In addition, so far, along my years of education at Teachers College, about 118x1000 (correction---not 3000 per credit but 1000) US dollars or so have been donated into that tuition fund... as a result, I certainly do have the intent to complete the course requirements and to obtain the diploma ASAP... 8-O 8-X

Not to mention the fact that I am really starting to grow too old to be a student for myself and time to get out from the student role…

Worst comes to worst.... do me a favor, please, I need to get back to New York to take care of the room that I am still paying rent for while doing nothing with it other than raising mosquitoes....

May God bless America and may the gate-keeping God(dess) (門神) grant me the visa to get back!

God bless American, (where) my home sweet home (awaits me to come back for it could, unfortunately, not, itself, take care of)....

Friday, August 8, 2008

The utility of 英英美代子: Mental Health

For the past two months, I have been spending the majority of my time swinging around at home and haven't paid my head too much mind.

So, I took myself to the head department for a check up.

Arriving at the waiting room for the psychiatry department and knowing there would still be much waiting time, I decided to stand up and do some of that leisure 英英美代子 swinging.

There were other people waiting to see the doctor....

Yes... so there might be a good chance for these people to find me... "cuckoo cuckoo" or "extraordinarily cuckoo cuckoo"....

Yet, I thought to myself...

Isn't it the psychiatry department I am visiting and doesn't such fact authorize me to be my abnormal self? 8-O lol

So I leisurely did my boring simple swinging activities till t's time the nice nurse lady called.

Throughout the duration of mine waiting time, no one really "showed" their special attention towards my body movements except for this young man....

He kept on trying to look at me while trying to pretend that he was looking at me....

It is as if he found me to be a patient in a far worse state and deserve some serious investigations... in my interpretation although I have no inkling what state he is in....

Yet, at the end of the day, I came to the realization that such might be the only thing good I did the whole day....

Taking it outside, my 英英美代子 swinging activity, to the waiting room of the psychiatry department, at least I might have shown to the others... "Gees... I am doing well comparatively...."

For that young man, based on the laughter he tried to keep within himself, I know, to a certain degree, my existence entertained him.... lol

Such concludes the posting on the utility of taking my 英英美代子 activity outside on mental health conditions. lol

(PS. The number I was assigned was 59. Yet, the nurse called me in when it was turn for number 39. Such also led me to wonder whether it might have something to do with me, in public, swinging.... Of course, again, it might just be some thought cooked up by my exceptional imagination.... 8-O lol)

Sideway

The reason why it looks as if I was doing side kicking or walking side way kind of activity might have something to do with the discomfort I felt on my left thigh...

Sorry about my prominent behind... again... lol 8-X

Turning towards the right

Somehow my body decided to do the turning right thing for almost a good 7 minutes.

As you might have realized, the reason why my body does the circling around thing has something to do with the two side of my body moving at different pace.

In addition, sorry about the big butt of mine--- my most sincere appology--- oops... lol

Thursday, August 7, 2008

tap dance again

More of my tap dancing kinda movement.

I have been told that this kind of movement is related to the blockage around my chest area...

My endurance seems to be getting stronger in performing this kind of movement....

Please be reminded that I have never learned to tap dance before and do not know whether tap dancers would consider such movements as tap dance. One thing I know is that.... it sort of feel like them penguins in Happy feet (and could they but trying to shake off the blockage to the path of 氣? 8-O lol)



(And, geez... the more I look at the clips of Happy Feet, the more I feel myself to be a penguin.... lol)


Part I


Part II


Part III: At the end of this clip, the movement lasted for almost 2 minutes without any stops.

Circling

Watching me circling around on the balcony.... no wonder I don't seem to be going anywhere.... lol

Moreover, doesn't it look it a doggie chasing its own tail? lol

That piece of floating object

I have been thinking about this strange thing "I thought" I saw one night by my bedside.

It was sometime in the winter.

One night, in the middle of my sleep, for no reason (not because I wanna go to the John), I woke up and saw, by my bedside, in the middle of the air, a strange piece of object floating in the air.

As it was dark and it disappeared within seconds, I did not really get a good look of it.

The only thing I could tell you is that....

It did not have the shape of a person.

More accurately, it looks more like a piece of old black log... or a statue missing all features of a statue.

When I spotted it... I got a scare.... the same kind of scare you get when someone unexpectedly sneak up next to you.

Some people heard about it and said.... "Ghost?"

My psychiatrist heard about it and said... "You are dreaming" while my concern then was... "When did I start having visual hallucinations?!" 8-O

Recently, I think of that piece of floating object now and then... wondering what exactly it is shall it really exist...

The matter of the fact is that... be it death, a ghost, a spirit, God... or anything else you might think of....

One thing I am sort of sure is that... it did not mean any harm...

It was there watching me if not watching over me or guarding me.... even if it is death itself who paid me the visit in the form of a big black floating log.

Then, I decided to go back to the Ratology Down with Meds blog to see whether I have made any posting about it....

Although I did not locate anything after scanning through the archive, I came across this writing posted about me being a spoilt brat...

I am a brat so very spoilt

I am a brat so very spoilt
Taking all me love with their good will
Never did I have the time to stop and think
How I other's good will, taken for granted


I am a brat so very spoilt
In my own world
a world, I build, of my own
All me love me supported
My life, in love, they contribute and -ed


I am a brat so very spoilt
In life so alone
Defy, Devinne to proof
Up to the point God, my ass, to kick

I come to see

I am a brat so very spoilt
Them me love
pay back
My life
To prove
Not

(Not even in eternity)


And, I realize that... maybe, I am a far more spoilt brat then I could conceive of....

Seeing a piece of floating object watching me in the middle of the night (be it real or not) and what I could "feel" is that it is there me to guard? 8-O lol

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

That feeling...

For some people, what I have been speaking about since the beginning of my swinging kinda 英英美代子 era are but 賈雨村言 (假語村言) or 瘋言瘋語-- either baseless or pure crazy....

For others, my accounts might be equivalent to 蜀犬吠月--- for what I have written is what you have already known...

Some, such as me myself, might even wonder whether my psychotic symptoms are under-control.... 8-O

In any case... these swinging activities did bring back a lot of my memories in-between the state of more or less degree of "sanity."

I have also come to realize that--- these bodily sensations that lead to actual movements I have encountered or allowed myself to experience recently are nothing new in my ordinary life.... except for, without a theory to explain them, I have been forced to make use of talents granted so very generous by this thing called thought disorder.

Or--- how do I explain these sensations? Here goes the interpretation commonly marked as "magical thinking."

The film segment 00:00:30 to 00:00:50 in the clip titled "Shake and Jump" provides the most common "bodily sensation" in my psychotic experiences.


When the given sensations happened, I used to interpret it as my undergoing some kind of demonic attacks or attacks by evil forces.


Take my most recent acute episode for instance, one day, at work when the majority part of my duty was to add money to user accounts, this sensation came up to me. In my imaginary world, when undergoing such sensations, I was trying to absorb pains and suffering undergone by that suicidal guy so that he could live.... At the same time, just so that you know, I was able to perform the simple duty I was assigned while "undergoing the attack"....


It is also the same sensation I felt when undergoing the "demonic attack" experiences as described in my blog posting "Episode" written on February 09, 2008.

Today, I have acquired a ancient but new means to be looking at that same feeling, which has repeatedly taken on a big role in the building of my delusional systems all these years.

One question I have for myself is that...

Shall the day unfortunately come again when "Here I go again" is sung....



Would such an understanding be of any use in offsetting the chances of another institutionalizable grade kind of acute psychotic episode.... (and God forbids)....

And, shall it work for me (God bless), would it do anything for my cuckoo fellows with the propensity for similar kind of experiences?

My words for practitioners and researchers are simple--- and as commented by my rehab doctor....

In a time when much of our understandings seems to have come to a stall, why not consider looking into the ancient Chinese concept of 氣 as an alternative theory for the etiology and interventions, preventative or not? (See 氣動 and psychosis, Spasm and cognition)




Such mark the conclusion of my 99.999...% 賈雨村言 and 瘋言瘋語 by the "邗單學步"me coming out of the state of 蜀犬吠月... lol