Saturday, December 24, 2011

Holiday's greeting

My friends, Happy holiday wherever you are!!

And, of course "Marry" Xmas.... OMG... My subconscious really wants to marry me off... unless, I shall marry Xmas? 8-O lol

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Back to 空空

On my second iteration to get down to Valentine's day of 2008 again.... this round... trying to do some editing and, hopefully, dumping more texts out...

So I came across my 空空 post.... with its last sentence as following:

"Lord, is this the sign that I am gonna go 空空 noch ein mal..."

I burst out laughing (sometimes all that one has is a ggod laugh, I guess)... because, although I hate to be right, unfortunately, I am often right and that sentence-- bull's eye.

And, it goes without saying... I'd rather to have been wrong.  My.. oh... my... (So said the weather man-- Oh.. My sunset.. Oh.. My sunrise- from an internal story- not yet time- not yet visited- not yet told)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


I woke up all happy because it is my birthday today.

I don't know what I am happy about but I have been just so happy (better than the alternative, I guess)...

Or, ever since I have not been depressed, I have been walking around pneumocephalically happily with a idiotic smile anyways because I am not depressed? lol

Coincidentally, yours usually have nothing to do got lunch meeting and dinner meeting scheduled in one day...

My friend Lucy happened to come back to Taipei to visit from Shanghai-- she bought me food and drink and offered to draw illustrations for my book.

The just so happen also my birthday cake.
Another family friend has a birthday on Thursday while his family decided to celebrate it today.... making his birthday party actually for my birthday.


I didn't do too much work at all today and didn't even get to do my share of exercise for the day.

I still can't shake that dissociated feeling of the reality being a galaxy away, which could mean- me being overdosed again.

Yet, I happily enjoyed a nice birthday, pneumocephalically happy as usual- Parsifal grade, with a just so happen also my birthday cake! 8-O lol

Hopefully there is something true in what they say...

Maybe life is finally turning around and I have done my share of minorly inconvenient days...

Happy birthday!  Wherever you are!  

That'd be nice- you all share my happiness!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Revisited: Down with Meds

I finally finished revisitingd Down with Meds-- ending my journey with 歡喜就好 (As long as you are happy).

The journey to go through it can not compete with the journey to go through it... Yet, still feel ouch ouch ouch... as I was plowing away trying to get done with it before I start working next week to make a penny or two... since I won't be able to dedicated all my time in it afterwards.

Right now... I am feeling this strange feeling in my chest... almost like a black hole-- sore-- ouch ouch ouch-- psychosomatization it is...

Yet, the good thing is...  now the shaping of the book has finally formed and I finally can see the tunnel although I have no idea when I will be able to see the light.

Would like to go visit St. John now except for it is 13 hour time differences apart.  A bit to far.... Annoying... I want to go to St. John.

Finally... here I go again...

Been waiting for this song to appear as I am plowing away in the dungeon of my own words... 8-X lol

And Here I go again... a song with some interesting meaning to my life so far...

Good day and good night!

Ordinary world

Time and again... I come back to this song... a song for you... and a song for the yester-me, too....(thank God that I am almost done going through my verbal diarrhea in the Down with Meds era... up to Jan. 22, 2008 now... too many words... I did it to myself... 8-X lol)

Friday, December 9, 2011

Department of Homeland Security

I have been making some progress shaping the book with my biggest accomplishment as shrinking the scope to as small as I can.

Still has a lot of room to move since I have only dumped out quite a small portion of my verbal diarrhea- gotta learn from my moving experiences and that for getting the dissertation out. 8-X

I was going to get rid of all materials related to the Department of Homeland Security because it has nothing to do with my health problems, and, come on-- it ain't no nothing to be bragging about the fact that I lived in the US for 13-14 years and still without a green card or even an H1-B....  8-O lol

Then, waking up in the morning, I had this moment of clarity.

All things can be thrown out--including all them writings trying to impress people with whatever I might know--- What a brag.

The DHS has to stay because, in addition to health, it was one of the main theme running through years of loading and reloading whether I like to admit to this reality or not.

And, while... I am nobody to the Department of Homeland Security..... again... really sounds like 單戀... no wonder I can't find a husband. because... oh, my DHS... wherever I am... you have my heart... ;-) 8-O lol

Yet another time when I dedicate this song to you... xoxoxo

(Sometimes I wonder whether I shall try to find a guy working at the DHS to get married to after serenading the DHS for all these years... perhaps... that's where my husband has been hiding at... Hello, hello, Husband, here I am!! 8-O lol)

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Water Buffalo and yellow cattle

I have this vivid image in my mind...

My grandpa came up the slope accompanied by his yellow cattle (黄牛) which was pulling the wagon.

For the longest time, I somehow thought, well, since the rice field is watery and yellow cattle worked in the rice field, yellow cattle (黄牛) is the same as water buffalo (水牛).  Only to realize yesterday that water buffalo is not yellow cattle.

So I asked my mom about my grandpa's cow... the one I remembered...

My mom replied, "That one was yellow cattle.  You can't use water buffalo to farm the paddy fields because water buffalo love playing with water and, as a result, would not want to work."  8-O

I had no idea how valid my mom's statement was--- my uncle who really did quite a bit of farming might know better... lol

Yet, I took her words for it.

Regardless, my grandpa's cow looked like the yellow cow in the pictures... or maybe the color was a bit darker...

And, after googling around, I found this picture where a Taiwanese water baffulo was plowing away in the rice field...

Wait a minute... ain't that Mr. water buffalo working working hard in the paddy field?

Guess my mom is wrong...  lol

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Cow's stomach

Up to early today, I had the firm belief that a cow has 9 stomachs only to realize a bit earlier that cows actually have 4 stomachs (or, more exact, 4 chambers in the stomach)... not 9... What happened to the other five? 8-O

I absolutely have no idea where I got the number "9" from...

No problem... haven't I told you so many million and a time that I am a defectory fool. 8-O lol

And, ain't it nice to learn something new everyday if not unlearning the wrong?!

Friday, December 2, 2011

Your suggestions wanted

Been working really hard trying to get a book out of Ratology ever since I, out of nowhere, got sick on Black Friday, again, which makes it two years in a row to feel dead sick on Black Friday.

There are three reasons why I really want to get the book out:
  1. So that everyone I know would know that I am psychotic, neurotic and a smoker. 
  2. So that I can come up with a publication of some sort- to sort of filling the blank for the recent "yester-years."
  3. Most importantly, I kept on having this delusional belief that I have to get this book out to unstuck my life.
    At first, I was not quite sure why anyone in the right mind would want to buy a book with a whole lot of contents readily available to the public.  Yet, after I went back to read my own reading, I found myself a reason... because there were too many words and too much junk in between... 8-X

    So far, I have changed the table of contents a million and a time- with the scope of the book getting smaller and smaller, which is a good time based on lessons I learned from my dissertation.  Not to mention that, if nobody wants to publish the book, I will simply do self-publication, and, based on my experiences with my dissertation, the fewer words, the fewer pages, and, the cheaper it is to print the book out.  8-O lol

    Although part of me can't help asking this question, "Is it a good idea to publish a book like this before I secure a job?"  Keep it real.  Don't even know whether I can sell more copies of the book than my last book called dissertation.  Something less than 10 copies sold.  lol

    Although I hardly get anyone to come to this blog based on google stats, and, one of the postings people landed on most frequently nowadays is No comment, would love to hear from you on what this book could be other than showing me your "no comment" by visiting the "no comment" post (I get visits to the "No Comment post almost every other day- a post which I can't even locate myself in the dungeon of Ratology Reloaded-- at least, not until I did a google search using the keyword "No comment ratology"). lol



    Monday, November 28, 2011

    I've been insane for 60 years

    I went to my psychiatrist today.

    In the waiting area, this older gentleman sat down next to me and started to engage in a conversation with the guy two seats away from me.

    "So they say... I've been insane for 60 years.  I am 80 today."

    Although I was watching TV at that point, I did overhear this statement...

    I turned around and looked at him... in admiration and in awe...

    So I said to him, "Wow... 60 years..." (A reaction plausibly too buzzard for the normal people to comprehend, I suspect, because even I find this reaction tres buzzard.)

    He must have some really deep understanding about his own condition....and, not to mention, what a task, having lived 6 decades with his condition.

    You see... this is why I always say that I am only a fledgling psychotic because I have only been psychotic since Y2K.... (that would make my head not Y2K compliant? 8-O)  only a bit over a decade... Hard to imagine having to live through all the ups and downs for another 5 decades... (and, let me not look too far or I might trip... 8-X)

    So, I sat next to him till he went in to see the psychiatrist... feeling like a fledgling chick next to a rooster.  8-O

    Coming to see the psychiatrist on his own at the age of 80..... though I don't know much about him... including his diagnosis... so thought yours with a stick... that's a hero.

    Thursday, November 24, 2011

    So he popped the question...

    Went to the interview this afternoon...

    I knew I haven't published etc.

    Except for... I have heard it from my own mouth all these times but not from the others... (and people had me told that I was being pessimistic.)

    The nice gentleman gave me an interview and popped the question...

    "If seems like you haven't had any publication since almost 2004?"

    And, he mentioned something like, "There isn't any evidence to really show whether you are capable of conducting research."

    I was not to refute his opinion because that was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...  To be honest, I would feel very bewildered if this question was not popped because it would be the same question I would ask shall I be in his position.... and the same thing I would say.  I also bet... the same thing any other interviewer in academia would say... (and, that's why I actually retracted my application for this other human cognition related position.)

    I responded, "I know."

    And, to be honest... I think he was being really nice.  Personally, I don't even consider what I have done as "publications" since, for me, publications are what get published in academic journals-- not those presented in conferences and be included in the proceedings-- just that... something gotta be put in the resume, I guess... 8-O 

    Regardless, come to think about it... ever since the data collection of my dissertation....

    For the validation study of this Information Technology survey I was trying to put together... the collaborating professor left the school...adios them data...

    My supposed-to-have-been husband ran away and so went the write up of this other project.

    I turned disabled and lost the job at this place... gone are the write up of the program evaluation project I was preparing so hard for....

    Was trying to come up with some publication this summer with this friend's project that I helped setting up... Yet, due to circumstances, it flew over the rooftop as well...

    This other survey research I was trying to complete during the summer... somehow after all these months, no data points collected at all...

    What the heck is going with all my attempts to conduct studies based on data collected from the others? 8-O

    Hate to say it but almost like a cxxxx of some sort... me and the collection of data from the others... 8-X

    At the same time, ain't nobody's fault... just the way it is... simply life and its unfolding.

    Of course, I didn't tell that fine gentleman who might feel that he wasted almost an hour interviewing a, chances are, non-potential employee that...

    I have my private project that's been going on since my last publication except for... I can't tell you or I have to adios you... (Don't think that'd be such a good tactic to tell him that... yo... I was busy conversing with God and Dr. Strauss.  What about that? 8-O lol)

    Regardless, so I heard it for the first time in my life in an job interview... (Yes... dear, but where are your publications?)

    I knew it was coming and I was prepared for it all along... I didn't mean to do it this way and it simply happened.  Interestingly, this is one reality that's shared by the entire world with me and without a doubt. (Don't know whether I shall thank God or not for it... 8-O lol sigh)

    At least, one thing I can say to myself is... it ain't like I backed off before going for it... knowing what was to happen.

    And, to all those people wanting me to go somewhere and be someone... yo... you can't blame me for not trying because I did try academia- just me ain't good enough.... :'-O 8-O lol 8-X oops.. (and, of course, would be nice to get a job... da job or any job... 8-X)

    So I lived it. Something new in my life and non-redundant.  The way I somehow am destined to live it.... like many other things necessary or unnecessary for ordinary people.

    It is just the way it is.

    And.. "I feel fine..." if not... "Don't be such a baby." 8-O lol

    And, so I thought... no wonder my family name is Chang (wow... there came part of my true identity)... absolutely 打不死的蟑螂.... a cockroach that simply won't die however it is beaten up... (And, honestly, I don't think there's  anything else that can give me a better beating then myself... some expertise, I say... grandiose or not... lol)

    Oh.. lord... oh... lord... God, have mercy! 8-X

    Monday, November 21, 2011

    What have you been up to?

    Went to my class reunions this weekend and met up with some old classmates from senior high school and college.  Nice outing and I enjoyed both of them a great lot!

    As a routine, people ask me questions otherwise could be sort of "embarrassing" to respond to shall I have not reached a certain level of expertise in my iron head kong (鐵頭功).

    In the first class reunion, where the majority of my classmates were medical doctors, someone asked me...

    "What have you been up to?"

    Before I got to generate my answer, this good friend of mine threw out her response, "I have no idea."

    I second her opinion and replied, "I don't know either." (which is the truth... 8-O 8-X)

    The day after was the reunion for my schoolmates from the college.  Apparently, as I was told, most of my classmates are already in the managerial level--- at our age.

    This classmate of mine asked me the same question, "What have you been up to?"

    Someone else asked the question, "Have you gotten the green card?"

    Succinctly had I their questions replied, "I was at work. The chair collapsed and I became disabled.  Just when I was struggling to dig myself out of total disability, I got the notice saying that the application for the self-sponsored green card was rejected."

    At some point, this friend commented, "Sounds so mysterious."

    I still don't quite understand where the mystery resides in....

    So I thought... perhaps, it is the truth, the whole truth and that nothing but the truth that made people feel "mysterious" about my so very nothing happening life? 8-O lol

    Then, as I am typing these words out, I realize that... it is true that a huge chunk of my life was unspoken... all that's documented in this blog... can't even put it in my resume or explain to them... "Yo, by the way, I've been busy documenting the ups and downs and the somewhere in between of my psychosis etc and that's the research I have been doing... A lot of words, just no publication"... 8-O 8-X lol sigh

    At least-- not until I figure out how to put things into a book especially when the crippling state might be shocking enough to many.   No need to break the news about the blackbox.

    A question I have for myself... "What am I up to?"

    Live my life, get a job, let the book thing be done with and keep on being happy!

    P.S., And, how on earth do I still feel so happy when comparing my here and now to that of the others?  Guess, it takes a nut case like me to be happy despite of the fact that I am still off anti-depressant while on 300 mg Seroquel.  And, since I am psychotic... this gotta be what they say... psychotic? 8-O

    And, unless... this kind of happy...  "I feel happy..." 8-O lol

    Sunday, November 20, 2011

    A question about the plausible "Big Love"

    This short story I read back in my undergrad year kept on popping into my mind once every so often.

    It might have been a short story titled "The Big Love," "Big Love," or not. 8-O  lol

    In a nutshell, there was a young lady working at a hotel with a huge love sign by the Niagara Falls.  One day, she signed up to be a tester to ride a tube down the fall.  After the initial trial, out of all testers, only two people survive: this young lady and another guy.  Thereafter, something changed in this young lady and, if I recall correctly and chances are I might be wrong (speaking of eyewitness testimony), she went on a mission seeking for the big love.

    Though it ain't like so many people read my blog according to the stats... yet, for those who come to this blog, can someone give me the title of the short story and the name of the writer by posting a comment?

    (And, this is just damn eerie... as I was trying to google up the answer before drafting this post, someone else in Taiwan access this posting I made almost 3 years ago also about the Big Love at PM 9:42 Taiwan Time.... Don't quite think that was me myself since I am not using Chrome on Linux.  Though... whatever...)

    Update: Finally got my own question answered in May of 2014: A lady, big love sign, and Niagara Falls

    Monday, November 7, 2011

    The most traumatic event in my life so far

    In comparison to the trauma many people have experienced in their life, mine has always been Micky mouse.

    Today, I think I experience the most traumatic event in my life so far... (other than the loss of people I love and care for)...

    Homeless in New York and just lost my 212 number.

    14 years... an ouch moment from retirement age though no redundancy on this one.

    Sunday, September 18, 2011

    A question from the Retirement age

    I thought that I was done with blogging since I have already over-saturated the amount of data that I could afford to offer.  The rest is mostly redundancy, I guess.

    In recent times, I have been doing some "inner work" (although I am not quite sure what exactly I do) because a triggering event got my overactive head all excited... and... this round, I decided to do it as a private "inner work" and did a complete shutdown on most if not all posting activities.

    I have been going around minding my own business the same way I would do—as usual.

    Nobody ever told me anything directly and people I asked told me that they have never heard anyone gossiping about me or talked about me.

    Yet, there is something going on but nobody ever comes forward to tell me what exactly is going on.

    I can piecemeal things together and entertain it only so much since I refrain from entertaining anything more.

    Finally now, I feel much more comfortable with my state of being and decide to make this posting, with which I will be establishing to myself that I am 9000% insane... but... has anyone heard anyone talking about me?  If so, please post a comment...  (Yes, I know Je suis fou... and... crazy does crazy does... I guess... not to mention-- ain't quite so many hits on my blog based on google stats or da stats in the monetize function... 8-O lol sigh)

    Thank God that I am taking my meds and my exercises religiously. 8-O lol

    Thursday, September 1, 2011

    Damaged minds

    As I am busy cleaning up my old writings and exploring new ones, I came across an youtube clip of Bernie Owen- a hero to me and someone I admire very much.

    It takes a lot of courage to be coming out like that, with real name and face, while I am still a chickenshit using my pseudo name. 8-X

    Thought I might share it with you.

    Monday, August 29, 2011

    Ratology: principle and evaluation outcome

    When looking back at the road I have traversed so far by going through postings I typed out since 2005, I have come up with two conclusions...

    In my public blogs, I have strictly (99% of the time) adhere to Ratology principle 101 that I speak only of myself because I do not want to bring others down into the murky water of my imaginary world.  This is why one hardly sees the presence of others in my blog.

    I did the job of hiding the other parties' presence so well that I have problems understanding what I was talking about years later-- like now. 8-O lol

    Most important, one thing I have to say is that the flooding technique (e.g., the broadcasting of my own thoughts via my blog) doesn't seem to work since I am still psychotic after over 6 years.

    As a result, personally, I will recommend against my own strategy for people with the propensity for paranoia simply due to the amount of workload one has to handle and process.

    Yet, private journaling, like what the mental health professionals recommend, might be a good practice.  If you want to help by sharing your experiences and documentations, you can always find people in the field of psychology or psychiatry and see whether they would be interested in entertaining what you have to offer- for no other reason than simply making it easier for yourself.

    P.S. Have I learned a thing or two?  Yes.  But, the natural process of human development or aging might be a confounding variable whose effects I have no means of partiality out especially with n=1.

    (This 3-sentence conclusion of Ratology now really reminds me of that good old mostly statistically insignificant dissertation of mine.  8-O lol)

    Friday, August 26, 2011

    Irene is coming

    Irene is coming

    Everybody is talking about Irene...

    The Rite aid next door even ran out of batteries and water.

    Walking down the street, everyone is stocking up supplies of various kinds...

    I figured... Wow... it seems like everyone is panicking... maybe I should be panicking as well.

    So I tried to do some shopping in the supermarkets but lines were too long. I went to the street vendor instead to buy me some fruit.

    Although I know the grading of typhoon pretty well since we have typhoons all the times in Taiwan, I don't really know much about hurricanes. As result, I tried to understand how strong Irene really is by finding out the equivalence of Taiwanese Typhoon category and the Saffir–Simpson Hurricane Scale.

    Western Category Miles per Hour /
    Kilometer per Hour
    Taiwan Category

    74 - 95 /
    119 - 153
    Medium-strength Typhoon (中度颱風)
    2 96 - 110/
    155 - 177
    Medium-strength Typhoon (中度颱風)
    3 111 - 130 /
    179 - 209
    Medium-strength Typhoon (中度颱風) , up to 50.9 mps (approximately 183.24 kph)

    Strong Typhoon (強烈颱風) , from 51 mps (Approximately 183.24 kph)
    4 131 - 155 /
    211 - 249
    Strong Typhoon (強烈颱風)
    5 155 + /
    250 +
    Strong Typhoon (強烈颱風) up to 66.9 mps (Approximately 240.84 kph)
    + Super Strong Typhoon (超級強烈颱風)

    Now I have a better idea how strong Irene might be....

    Yet, I guess... like a typhoon, sometimes the scariest damages are caused by the water the storm brings forth rather than the wind it itself... not to mention... this Irene does look huge. 8-O

    Hurricane Irene
    At the same time, in the Pacific east, super typhoon Nanmadol has caused havoc in the Philippines.

    Looking at these pictures, I have to say... isn't nature sort of scary...

    Thursday, August 25, 2011

    Unterwegs zur Ground Zero

    I had an appointment with this nice gentleman because I am interested in getting some inputs on how to come up with a book using part of the verbal diarrhea I have generated through out the years- I don't know where and how to start but I guess I just have to start from somewhere.

    The first time I tried to get out, I stopped by the bank first in the pouring rain, and, I was struck by this spasm attack on my right side with that nerve pain shooting down-- ouch.

    The pain and discomfort was so bad that I think they might have scared the psychotic symptoms all away...

    I froze there with the upper torso slightly leaning forward... unable to move, in pain and could hardly talk.... forget about calling for help...

    With the limited amount of extra cognitive capacity I was granted access to, I thought to myself, "What a strange posture to be stuck with...."

    The lady and gentleman next to me realized that something seemed to be wrong.

    They tried to help me but I couldn't quite think of anything they can help me with other than troubling them to take the backpack off my back and, later, bring the backpack up to the counter.

    They both were very concerned.  I told them that I will be fine.

    So shared the fine lady at some point, "I was once hit by a spasm and was on the floor for 5-6 hours." (Although pain has the propensity to take over almost all cognitive capacity, the cognitive capacity I had access to might have generated this response in my head... "ouch."  Spoken or not, I can not recall.")

    When the pain and spasm was more manageable, I went on minding my own business doing the banking thing, got myself a cup of my morning coffee and sat down to rest my body a bit.

    It was then when I realized that the right side of my face seemed to feel strange... sort of like the mouth on the right side was dropping down.

    This sounds familiar... 8-O

    Didn't I wake up one day with the left side half paralyzed because of really bad spasm?

    So, I eventually got myself home, took a pill of cerebrex, rubbed some vitamin E oil on my back and did an hour or so of my swinging exercise.

    I tried for the second time to get out since I had gone from the bent-out-of-shape kind of state into the more mobile state.

    Despite of the minor detour I had to travel earlier on, I hopped on to the bus, transferred to an express train at 96th street where there are elevators, and, after a painful journey on the train ride, I found myself getting out of the elevator of the Chamber street station.

    After the meeting, I decided to go down to visit ground zero and took the West Street.

    I knew it was some where near by but all that I saw were overpasses and the big road.

    So I asked these police at the corner, "Excuse me, where is ground zero?"

    One of them pointed at the direction I was heading to.

    As I kept walking on, I saw a tall building under construction, next a huge sigh in the front saying the sidewalk was closed and there were barricades blocking the path ahead.

    So I walked through the barricades towards the police woman near by.

    "Excuse me.  Where is ground zero?"

    She gave me this strange look, "This is ground zero."

    I must have shown the expression of confusion in my face as I continued to mumble something that I no longer recall... because this was not how I got to ground zero and maybe what I saw before.

    At some point, she might have asked me how I got there before...

    "Century 21." So I replied.

    "That's Church street."

    I had the feeling that she sort of laughed when she answered me after listening to my response.

    I turned around and found my way to Church Street and saw the site which is under construction as before.... and which I have shown many a tourist in NYC many a time before.... except for... today I asked for direction towards Ground Zero on Ground Zero. 8-O lol

    Wednesday, August 24, 2011

    I have a dream: about my mega million

    What would I do if I win my mega?

    Buy an apartment.

    Gave my family some money.

    Make some investments to keep the cash flowing...

    The rest.. I will set up a foundation-- one would give out grants to patients with mental and physical health problems so that they can work on projects with the potential to help other patients and hire some interns to assist the grantees to accomplish their goals.

    Sunday, August 21, 2011

    Red-tailed hawk at lunch

    I was entertaining the idea of paying St. John a visit today after my walk... ended up... never made it to the unfinished because, midway, I found the big bird at lunch...

    Although I was overjoyed to see the big bird, it was all aloof... almost as aloof as cats and paid me no mind.

    How sad! ;-( 8-O lol

    Then, when I saw what the big bird was munching on- a rat, watched the big bird finished its meal and kicked it off to the ground, yours ratprincess was not quite sure whether it was a good thing or not that the big bird paid me no mind.... 8-O 8-X lol

    Gotta say, though, first time for me to watch the big bird eating lunch and even went to the bathroom.  A whole lot of the first-time experiences right there... 8-O lol

    One thing I have to say is that... my powershot A570 IS tried its best to capture the videos.... please don't blame the not quite good enough quality since it is only powershot A570 IS.  8-O lol

    Interestingly, my canon powershot A570 IS seems to be very happy today because it didn't pull the ordinary trick of "power low."

    Tuesday, August 16, 2011


    Had this dream last night still so vivid to me at this point...

    There was danger and I had to escape....

    I turned into water (clear water I hope since I washed my hair and showered before bed time 8-O lol), escaped through the pipe and reemerged from water.

    (Doesn't sound too elegant to be escaping through the sewage system... Why not something like I turned into a butterfly and flew away? 8-O lol)

    While I was cold from the whole turning into and emerging from the water thing, some guys were there to help and they tried to find something to keep me warm and protected...

    It was then when I woke up, somewhere around 5 AM in the morning, so cold that my body could not stop trembling (cuz it was really chilly)... I put something on, went to the toilet and I went back to sleep... wondering whether the dream would continue so that I could know what clothes they would find me.  8-O lol

    Some people dream of jumping, falling, drowning and driving into water.  Others, including me dream of flooding, etc....

    Last night, I dreamed myself turning into water and reemerge from it.

    Something different in my monotonous life, I guess. 8-O lol

    The Help

    The HelpAfter my mom went back to Taiwan, my neighbor lent me a book "The Help" to keep my mind busy early yesterday evening.

    Started it last night and finished reading it just now since I got home this afternoon...

    Nice book... something I would definitely recommend to people... for me, a story depicting the process it takes towards the breakdown of segregation if not simply integration.

    "Am I gone believe what them fools say about me today?"  in P. 73 is one quote I like the best from this book.

    At the same time, since I finished the last 50-60 pages or so first last night after the first 200 something pages, after officially reading up the whole book... almost 600 pages in two days...

    Wow... apparently, more than 2-3 words I now can read... got myself sort of impressed... since I was struggling to read picture books preferably without words and pictures only last year not too far from this time. 8-O

    Can't help thinking of the art of losing in the back of my head though (here comes the power of learned helplessness) and wonder when I am gonna lose that depressive thinking as well? 8-X 8-O lol sigh

    Thursday, August 11, 2011

    Fish on the cutting board

    I spoke many times about the "fish on the cutting board" phenomena which often happen when I try to fall asleep (though it does happened as well during the day time).

    Essentially, my body would twitch or jerk around...

    Sometimes, a part of the body would get thrown out of the bed and fall... be it the upper, mid, lower back, the neck or the limps.

    Other times, a part of my body would be twitching to one side while the remaining would move to the opposite side (e.g, upper body to the left and lower body to the right).

    Still other times, both sides of my body including limps would jump up-- nicely divided by my spine-- with the neck jumping up, too, at points.

    Or, one side of the body might decide to go up while the other one down...

    In some other scenarios, a combination of what was mentioned above...

    ... a translation of the "Fish on the cutting board" phenomena with limited my words.

    I had always known that it has something to do with my nerves... even before my injuries.

    In my pre-spinal injuries era, this would happen when the dosage of Seroquel got increased or became too much for my body to handle (and, Seroquel works on the "neuro-transmitters and is taken at bed time).

    After my injuries, when the nerve pains are bad, the twitching, jerking and jumping also go wild.

    A lot of times, I can feel the firecrackers along my spine as my body goes twitching and twisting around.

    Nowadays, when I get upset, there is no doubt I would see the worsening of da twisting around all night long ...

    I don't know how anyone could sleep this way when the body does acrobatic exercise at its own will.

    All that I could do is to keep on trying to fall asleep while getting really annoyed by such minor inconveniences in life.

    I tried to describe it to many people in various occasions but most of them seemed to have no inkling about what I was speaking of.

    Then, earlier today, I spoke with this lady friend of mine with MS and she told me how she also had similar problems.

    It was nothing to be happy about--- yet, it gave me an interesting sense of relief that... "Man... I am not the only flying fish on the cutting board."

    So, after I got home, I decided to look up some discussion forums where people might share with earch others experiences alike...

    And... so I found... flying fish fellowship...

    Wednesday, August 10, 2011

    The side effect of biofeedback?

    Years back, I read somewhere where experts said that biofeedback is useful for patients with pain-related problem like mine.  Yet, one plausible side effect of biofeedback is that some people eventually start to become apathetic about common pursuits in life (in my words shall I recall it correctly.)

    I didn't have the money to receive the conventional biofeedback intervention.  Yet, so I figure... the Qi kind of exercise might be sort of like the biofeedback treatments.

    Interesting enough, I found the ordinary pursuits in life to gradually lose their attractiveness through out the years.

    Then, recently, I thought of what they suggested as the plausible side effect of biofeedback and I came up with a theory about how the plausible side effect might have come into being.

    Perhaps, it's simply that once you go overboard with all signals orchestrating a symphony of never-ending pains, discomfort and suffering in your entire being, you reach the "unsinn" state where all will be deemed unsinn shall the body and mind keep on suffering.

    Can't quite tell you whether one might get to the un-unsinn state or not when the pains and suffering are gone--- can't tell you until I get there.... 8-O lol sigh

    Thursday, August 4, 2011

    The psychosomatic ouch moment

    As I was browsing through some older files tonight and came across these pictures I took back in 2005....

    I don't quite remember what it was like then although my old blog might give me some clues about it.

    One thing I do remember, I used to carry the camera and my precious baby laptop, who used to be a fledgling chick and now a retired old hen-- going all around--- including up and down the park.

    So I saw them old picture I took...

    Damals-- the hills, slopes and stairs I climbed up and down...

    Something felt strangely awful around the area of my chest and stomach... sort of like the kind of sensation you would get when the nerve pain is still bad but the pain killers told your brain to stop perceiving the signals as pain.

    I went... "Ouch.  Oops... psychosomatic."  (unless... somapsychotic) 8-O 8-X lol sigh

    I have been told that people have the propensity to talk about "damals-- I did this and that..."

    So I thought... no no no... mes not yet ready to be old! 8-O 8-X lol

    (P.S.  What is psychosomatization other than the label itself?  Some thoughts I would like to share with you soon based on my extensive clinical experiences-- though thoughts still under construction because the Goddess of da fountain of speech might be out on vacation.)

    Tuesday, August 2, 2011


    Yesterday I spoke of inferno on my back.

    Today, as I was looking at people moving casually on the street, so I thought--- "Paradiso."

    Whether I am the only one carrying my portable devise on my back--- that I have no answer to since I might be mes but I surely am not anyone else.

    But, they are in my paradiso and so was I(s)-- without realizing it.

    And, what exactly is inferno to me?

    Sunday, July 31, 2011

    Portable inferno

    I ended my day as a piece of wreck... the trip to and back from downtown surely didn't help.

    By the time I got back to the upper west side, the pain and discomfort in my entire body was really driving me nuts-- although I am nuts.

    Then, I bumped into this old neighbor... when I must be in an absolutely incoherent state under the influence of pains and suffering.

    At some point, this thought that's been in my head for the longest time finally found its voice...

    "Hell is where I am-- even if I were to run to Europe or the Caribbean....  I can't run away from it because carry my hell with me wherever I go."

    On a second thought, having to carry my own inferno all around with me-- no wonder I can't carry much weight and I move slow? 8-O

    Yes, there eventually comes to a point when I use the H word.

    Thursday, July 28, 2011

    Human Barometers

    The good thing about the Internet is that you eventually will come up with a good enough combination of key words to find the alike.

    Make no mistake... there is nothing wrong for you to be "not like me."

    It's just... sometimes you want to find people who are like-headed or like-other-parts-of-bodied.

    So I spoke of my never-ending descending from an airplane disorder- something far worst off than excruciating pains along... and my intuition is that it's occurrence has to do with something in the air...

    Most importantly, no one I spoke to so far had any inkling about what I was trying to describe...

    Only to find out... so well has it been documented... my descending from an airplane disorder...
    In another website, one gentleman actually completed a study of n=1 to document the correlation between barometric pressure and his back pain....

    What I figured based the sharing of my people so far?

    Nobody really knows how to get it resolved.

    "Where is Dr. House?"  So holler the human barometers.

    Nice trees

    So, I told my boss today that I like being with the trees.

    He asked me, "Why?"

    I might have responded, "They make me feel good."

    Then, there came this other question... "How?"

    I thought for a few seconds and might have answered with something like... "I don't know... maybe some chemicals they released into the air?"

    After I got home, I revisited the question of "how"... and thought... in addition to Oxygen, stuffs like phytoncide, perhaps?

    Sunday, July 24, 2011

    My American Boy

    Finally saw my American husband the other day.... I was all excited about seeing him again but he was all aloof... apparently paid me no mind.

    One trick that help keeping our relationship for all these years is that we never fight... might have something to do with the fact that me no understand his American English and he no understand my Taiwanese English either.

    Thursday, July 21, 2011

    On numbers

    Did some simple data analyses today... oh... that made me feel really happy...

    Numbers are nice.

    They tell stories... sort of... for instance, it is a horror story they tell when they don't go along with your hypotheses.  8-O lol

    Yet, they are like those nice doggies... some are large and others are small...

    They come in all different shapes and forms....  walking around all happy, minding their own business and looking mighty curious at points...

    When they look at you with eyes so very innocent, it is as if they were asking you... "What do you think about me?"

    Yet, usually, it is at the point when I am facing those innocent eyes do I say...

    "Also... this is the difficult part... from my eyes-- your story to tell.  How on earth could I know whether this is really what your story entails?"

    Au fond du temple saint

    Marc and Scott sang the nice duet "Au fond du temple saint" from Les pêcheurs de perles by Bizet at Caffè Taci with Iya on the piano.

    Sorry if the beginning of the clip was too going all different places... tried my best to hold my hands still... .


    I think my lumbar-- lower back--- is hurting really bad...

    Well, maybe not "I think" but I feel. 8-O lol sigh

    Although-- the good news is that the head is not feeling like eternally in a descending airplane finally.... Ain't it so very wonderful!  8-O

    Since a picture is worth a thousand words...

    Among the pains in cervical, thoracic and lumbar, lumbar shows me its exceptional grumpiness today and gets the first prize.

    Thoracic is not too happy about the loss though since it had tried it best.

    Since cervical has been doing a pretty consistent job, it doesn't quite care all that much which place it lands at anymore. 8-O lol

    Saturday, July 16, 2011

    I am indisposable 8-O

    It took me years for me to come to the realization that-- oops... I am 100% disposable.

    Then, whether it was yesterday or the day before, it occurred to me that... oops... maybe that claim of 100% disposability is false.

    All things I can do can also be done by the others except for the process of recovery-- regardless what to recover from-- though this is the only thing on this planet yours cheapskate dell'inferno can't wait to pay someone else to take the job over.

    Outsourcee needed... outsourcee needed... Anyone out there taking the job?  8-O lol

    Tuesday, July 12, 2011

    Today I floated for the first time

    Today I floated for the first time... or... more accurately... I swam the breaststroke without sinking for the first time since 2007.

    I had tried to do it many a time before.

    Yet, because of the permanent damages to my shoulders and possibly the problems with my neck as wel,  every time I tried to swim... I sank because my shoulders couldn't quite handle it.  As a result, I had to use floaters to keep my body above the water so that I don't turn into a floater myself...  8-X

    Although I didn't go too far or too long, today I floated without the use of a floater for the first time and swam the breaststroke without sinking.

    The funny thing is that... despite of the fact that I am making it a routine to walk about 60 Manhattan blocks everyday, I have been feeling dead tired after coming out of the water.

    Then, that greedy part of me came out and said... "When might it be when I can, again, spending the whole day swimming if not simply floating in the sea?"

    Though, might need to first make sure I can walk in and out of the sea water before worrying about the swimming thing.... lol

    Anyway... nice!

    Saturday, July 9, 2011

    something midway

    I came across Mr. Alighieri, who was hanging out with Mr. Maro, as I took a rest midway of my walk.

    In many a word, so attempted him on hell to describe... which I had listened to years ago...

    Yet, perhaps, someone else's hell is easily forgotten.  I don't recall much what exactly happened.

    Then, I resumed my walk trying to get back home.

    20 something blocks and many more micro-stops later, I took another extensive rest to recuperate... a la bar... amongst friends..

    So I spoke of my encounter with Mr. Alighieri and his hell...

    20 something blocks later... words... oops... mostly forgotten...

    So I inquired my company--

    "What are the first 3 sentences?  Like something about midway, life's journey and dark jungle or bushes?"

    Only to realize later- forgotten was what has been lost.

    CANTO 01

    Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita
    mi ritrovai per una selva oscura
    ché la diritta via era smarrita.

    MIDWAY upon the journey of our life
    I found myself within a forest dark,
    For the straightforward pathway had been lost.

    Thursday, July 7, 2011


    Just because things aren't in the News doesn't mean that all is fine.

    Haven't heard much about Japan in the aftermath... months after...

    Good luck!

    Quiet dignity shown in post-tsunami Japan

    More Fukushima Worries: Internal Contamination

    Wednesday, July 6, 2011

    What I am most afraid of nowadays

    I knew this discomfort before... something far worse than aches and pains along...

    Then, I was stuck by it almost all week last week and it got back again these two days...

    Feeling as if the head was to explode and-- an invisible wall-- at least two feet away from the outside world.

    The pressure is high inside of that skull of mine-- so tight-- and so aggravating the discomfort.

    Somehow, the high pressure seems to have invaded the territory for da peanut-size cognitive capacity of mine... making it even more difficult to perform cognitive processing.

    The ear-ringing- bang bang bang- was coming back to stay as well...  And, many a time, the banging did come back to revisit.

    Even headache also come pitching in to the potluck.

    Worst of all... no meds can help alleviating any of it and nobody can tell me why it happens.

    What could I do?

    Live with it.... I guess... since what else could be the alternative? 8-O lol

    What I am most afraid of nowadays... worst than pains and aches along. 8-X

    You don't understand still-- based on my descriptions?  That's fine... not only limited are my words... I wouldn't have understood it either before...

    Monday, July 4, 2011

    How I walked on April 15th

    As I was browsing through some old pictures, I came across some clips I asked my sister to take when she came to visit on April 15th.

    I had wanted to show these clips to my doctors because I simply could not and still can not understand why my body moved the way it did or... does.

    Didn't really get the chance to show my doctors...

    Although my condition in this clip is far better than how it was in the January, February or even March, I was still having quite some issues in the moving department.

    It didn't look good and I didn't feel quite so well either.  Yet, I kept on moving and moved some more.

    Today is July 4th.... two months and half later... the pains and discomfort have, hopefully, lessen... though some days things are still really bad.

    Can't tell you whether my walking looks better now than then either... 

    One thing I know is that.. I can now walk for longer distance-- for instance, I walked from 111th down to 93rd street and back today... one more block from yesterday.

    All else I can do not... one thing I am trying to do now is to build more endurance one step at a time.... till hopefully, one day soon, I can be uncaned again.

    The art of losing

    Came across this movie called "In her shoes" earlier today when Cameron Diaz was asked to read this poem about one art- the art of losing.

    An art, don't know about you, I surely have acquired a fair amount of proficiency in although can't quite say whether I have mastered.

    Nice poem- simple words.  clean thoughts.

    Elizabeth Bishop

    The art of losing isn't hard to master;
    so many things seem filled with the intent
    to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

    Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
    of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
    The art of losing isn't hard to master.

    Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
    places, and names, and where it was you meant
    to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

    I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
    next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
    The art of losing isn't hard to master.

    I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
    some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
    I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

    -- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
    I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
    the art of losing's not too hard to master
    though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

    Friday, July 1, 2011

    How do normal people think?-- revisited

    Something gets me really bewildered is... why do the search engines lead people to this old post of mine when seeking out for an answer about how do normal people think?

    Sometimes I feel really guilty because it feels as if the title of the posting is misleading... mislead people to believe that da click might take them an answer of some sort.

    One thing I know and I recall is that-- about two years ago or maybe since even longer time ago, I desperately want to know how normal people think so that I might be able to train myself thinking like a normal.

    Two years later, I still don't know how normal people think.

    Yet, I have entered a state within which I don't quite care about how them normal think anymore--- though not quite sure whether it is a good thing or a bad thing... 8-O 8-X lol

    Pour quoi?

    Well, first of all, can normal people give me an answer when I pose this exact question to them?  Don't quite think so.

    Second, even if the normal can tell me exactly how they think, is it feasible for me to train myself to think like them?  Don't quite think so either.

    Third and last, how is it my business how the normal think when they don't quite give a rodent's behind about how yours abnormal thinks other than, plausibly, them people studying about the psychology of the ab-normal?

    Thus, the solution unfolds so far concerning "How do normal people think?"

    I give up on wanting to be normalized as well as the pursuit to entertain the thinking of the normal at this point. 8-O 8-X lol

    I do envy the normal, though, to a certain degree, because- call it ab-normal-centrism if you wish-- the question of "How do normal people think?" seem to bear so much more at the questioner's end than "How do abnormal people think?"

    (A posting that I have been drafting in mind for months.)

    Huge accomplishment for the day

    My body wanted to walk... so I walked today... from 111th street to 82nd street along Broadway.

    Had to stop to rest once in while, but... today... I got to 82nd street and Broadway.... at which point, my body said... enough...

    And... I took my M104 to come back up... lol

    Yet, a humongous accomplishment since a while!

    Thursday, June 30, 2011

    Seroquel (quetiapine) dosage

    I was sleepy all day... partially having something to do with the discomfort all over my body... and... might also have something to do with the fact that the Seroquel I took last night might have been one of the larger fourth of da 25 mg Seroquel pill.

    I finally became more awake later in the evening and that was when the discussion about the Seroquel dosage came up in a conversation with my friend tonight...

    One more of the biggest challenges in my life... I need my meds but I can only handle around 25/4 mg of Seroquel each day.

    If the dosage is a bit too much more than 1/4 of the pill... I am like a walking zombie during the day time...

    If the dosage is a bit too less than 1/4 of the pill... I could sense that psychotic symptoms are on their way out for a field trip.

    Unfortunately, unfortunately, the 25 mg pill is the smallest pill they offer by the pharmaceutical company and it isn't so easy to cut a 25 mg pill into 4 equal parts.

    How much exactly is the effective dosage suggested by scientifically based and empirically tested studies?

    Not too much consensus... sort of like... from 150 mg up to 700 mg... depending on the patients' condition...

    Sunday, June 26, 2011

    Dillon's Danny Boy

    Had a brunch with this old friend of mine.

    During our conversation, we talked about Dillon McCartney-- a tenor we both know.

    I might have heard the song Danny Boy sung by others but, for me, my favorite is Dillon's Danny Boy...

    Some people might have wondered the appropriateness of having a tenor singing this song... funny enough... this is how this song shall be sung.

    Dillon McCartney, Tenor

    Saturday, June 25, 2011

    How to get jailed not for thy blog

    My friend forwarded me this piece of news about a blogger in Taiwan... Blogger jailed over critical restaurant review, which motivated me to come up with the top 3 reasons why Ratprincess might not be jailed for her blog:
    1. Might not have gotten 60,000 hits yet throughout her blogging span
    2. Can't quite ID her among the line up because all rats seem to look alike 
    3. Insufficient direct evidence linking her to her real identity
    Most important of all, who gives a rat's behind? 8-O lol

    The upside of having a nil profile and nil existence. 8-X

    Wednesday, June 22, 2011

    Embodied cognition

    They speak of embodied cognition.... to a certain degree, you can say that the nature of your head is dependent on your body.

    Or, the body gives you your thoughts... in my words.

    (Thus... the body = that goddess of da fountain of speech? 8-O)

    Let me give you an example or two...

    Tried to do some grocery shopping tonight.

    As I was moving down Broadway, I had this curious observation again... despite my effort to tell my body to move faster, it moves at its own speed--- completely ignoring the commends my head attempted to issue... pursuits so very futile....

    In the form of a question, which I have no answer to... my head asked with an extreme sense of bewilderment,  "Why does my body move so slow?"

    After quite a bit of walking, my body was getting tired and started to ache here and there as perceived by my brain...

    Upon the completion of my shopping goal, I tried to keep on moving on to get home....

    Then, when I was crossing Broadway and after I stepped on the median, my body stopped moving further and this though came to my mind--- voila, time for a complete stop.

    I did eventually make it home though moving at a rapid cycling between slow and stop as authorized by my body.

    It was then when the thought of embodied cognition occurred.... the thoughts arose surely have been granted by the body and so are them existentially critical dasein moments... 8-O lol

    While, what the mind can afford to exert-- limited contribution, if not nil.

    (And... lord, this body of mine really is too eloquent in expressing itself... 8-O lol 8-X)

    P.S., BTW, all that I did was walking while my mom was the one carrying the groceries.  8-O lol oops..

    Monday, June 20, 2011

    The upside of getting old: People going to places

    Been trying to hook up with people through facebook these past few days... while having also bumped into some old pals on the street...

    Then, I had this realization...

    The upside of getting old...

    Many people I used to hang out with are now going to places... some are now leading singers in major opera productions...

    Waiting for the day to come when I can say... "Ya... I used to hang with one of the 3 tenors/sopranos/baritones at Cafe Taci and they are my mentors to the world of Opera!"

    Wonderful and good luck to them all!

    Following are some of them..

    Tiffany Abban, Soprano

    If the above player doesn't work, click to listen to Tiffany sing "Vissi d'arte" from Tosca

    Scott Bearden, Baritone

    Click to view the live recordings of Scott's performance on his website.

    Sunday, June 19, 2011

    From lingo

    People with different kind of health condition have different lingo...

    When chatting with people familiar with back problems, the conversation might be something like...

    A: "My back is killing me..."
    B: "Lumbar?"
    A: "Ya..."
    B: "4-5?"
    A: "ya..."
    B: "What do you take?"
    A: "Naproxen."
    B: "Hard on the stomach."
    A agreed.

    Then, after my friend got a broken foot, I decided to look up some online forum-- thinking... perhaps it might be of some help for her to get in contact of people with similar condition.

    Came across this online forum for people recovering from their foot surgery... a public journal capturing many people's life after a broken foot since July 25th, 2007...

    At the first sight, I saw the different lingo used... the number of screws and the plate...

    Then, as I started going through more of the writing, I thought... there is some intriguing similarity in the way people speak of their unspeakable predicament-- be it the foot or back problem.... although some speak of the number of bones broken or ligaments torn while, for others, the counts of their discs and stenoses.

    Not to mention... at some point, some of us might starts singing the Diva's lament... or Brian's song...

    And... from a comedy-like perspective if possible...

    Saturday, June 18, 2011

    Humidity, pressure change and pain

    I knew something was different in the air... pain signals in the entire body on a field trip...

    Oh... I was in pain while... I knew... the humidity was high and bad.

    It was as if all tissues in my body were bloated like them balloons and all so very jammed up that the Qi found no path to move--- a bad traffic jam so it is.

    Right after I got home, I took my pain med and vitamins, and, rested in bed... lying there like a really beaten down piece of dead meat...

    Then, there was the thunder, there was the lightening and, it finally rained down.... a whole lot of rain for quite some time...

    Interestingly, as it started to pour and pour some more, I started to feel better and better... as if... some kinda pressure was off... I could feel that qi started to flow... (all right... I now I am very strange...)

    Of course, one can claim it to be the sole doing of the meds and vitamins.

    Ain't quite matter as long as the pains and discomfort could go away....

    Then, as I sat down to type out this posting.... I decided to do some googling around with "humidity and pain" as the keywords...

    Voila, apparently, many more people out there have been pondering about the impacts of humidity and pressure change on their health status as well....

    Also, in case you wonder, some plausible theories concerning the effects of barometric pressure:

    The article in the following link also summarizes some studies concerning the impact of weather on our health status:

    Haven't I been telling you since the era of Ratology Down with Meds that... I actually do a pretty good job as well in predicting the changes in weather with the sudden changes of my mood...

    Sort of like, all of a sudden, all depressed... think either the pressure or the weather will change soon... somehow...

    Thursday, June 16, 2011

    Going through hell

    It is my unfounded belief that... each of us have our idiosyncratic version of hell... and... hopefully.. one only has to go through with it once in a blue moon or less frequent than that.

    Came across this quote that I shared with you back awhile ago and think I would share it again:

    “If you are going through hell, keep going.” Winston Churchill

    Good advise by Mr. Churchill, I think...  since... unless you are fond of being in hell, what else can you do other than keep on trying to walk out, if not climb out, of it?  And... even if you don't seem to be going anywhere, what the hell since already in hell?! lol

    That eclipse on June 15 2011

    Man... isn't that so unfair?  No eclipse to be viewed ici...

    Sunday, June 12, 2011

    What is Fibromyalgia?

    Fibromyalgia one of the additional diagnoses the neurologist gave me in recent time.

    Well, t ain't like it is really a shocker since I have been talking about my chronic pain all over the entire body since the accident in 2007.... duh....

    What is the official definition of fibromyalgia? 

    According to PubMed Health,

    "Fibromyalgia is a common syndrome in which people experience long-term, body-wide pain and tender points in joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues.  
    Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, sleep problems, headaches, depression, anxiety, and other symptoms."

    While the really proper kinda definition such as above makes me feel like to stand up and salute, my favorite definition is one given to me by an acquaintance-- a nurse in the insurance business....

    It must be back in 2007 or 2008 when I was at a friend's house party and we were having some discussion about my sorry state of being.

    I asked, "Could what I have be fibromyalgia?"

    So she replied, "Fibromyalgia is a catch-all term used when they have no idea what the problem is.  That's Fibromyalgia."

    Sort of pretty useful in insurance claim... for instance... 8-O lol

    Also... So ist das... Fibromyalgia... 8-O lol sigh


    Was pondering about whether I want to put adsense in this blog or to monitize it...

    How much would I get paid for?

    1 cent for 1000 page impressions....

    Wow... would take a long long time till I become a millionaire... 8-O lol

    Inglourious Basterds

    Just finished watching the film the Inglourious Basterds....

    Thought it was supposed to be light entertainment... not knowing it is actually so bloody brutal... and surely not the best choice for a bedtime story... 8-X

    It is a well done movie except for one thing that I can't get out of my mind...

    In my short-living career as a projectionist, or, the apprentice, and, if I recall it correctly, you start running the second projector when the first circle appears on the screen.  When the second circle appears on the screen, you switch the light on for the second projector and turn the light off for the first one off while letting the first projector finish running.  That seems to be one of the biggest role of the projectionist...

    That was the equipment used in the mid 1990's....

    So what is the question?

    Unless it was automatic back in the 1940's, who performed the light switching shall the lady projectionist be dead?

    The only thing I have to say about a otherwise good script.

    Saturday, June 11, 2011

    Plasticizer 塑化劑

    One big scandal these days in Taiwan is the use of plasticizer in food....

    I love bubble milk tea... wonder whether my love has made me any more plastic-ish than others?  At the same time, since I don't really find bubble milk tea in the list, maybe this is the reason why I am having such difficulties regaining my flexibility? 8-O

    Lord... oh... lord... how on earth would you have created people without conscience and can you possibly make them be without conscience even more?


    When hanging out with some of my old pals tonight, workers' com came into our conversation.

    At some point, I got all enthusiastic and said, "They compensate only for the permanent damages to your shoulder and your knees.  But the injuries to your back and your spine are permanent and you are screwed!  It is injustice!  Injustice!"

    My friend, a worker's com lawyer, who have seen many a similar case couldn't agree more.

    "But something has to be done because there is something wrong in the system and in the law itself.  You don't know it until you fall victim to it."

    On a second thought, a Taiwanese sojourner in New York.... How is it my business anyways-- the justice or injustice in the American law? 8-O lol 8-X

    Friday, June 10, 2011

    At the entrance of 110 street subway station

    My friend witha broken foot was supposed to have her stitches taken out yesterday.  So I came over to keep her company the day before.

    To get to her place, I had to take the number 1 train all the way from 110th and Broadway to 131 street where there is disability access available.

    Though I usually avoid getting in and out of public transportation during rush hour, I made it to take off from home around 5:30-6 o'clock-- the worst time possible.

    While the stops surrounding 110th and Broadway do not have either escalator or elevators, I didn't have the intention to take a bus to reach another train station, which might or might not grant me with functional disability access.

    So, just as Mrs. dalloway decided to get the flowers herself, Ratprincess decided to get the body down to the platform herself... though it ain't like there is anyone else who could really get this body of mine down... 

    As I was at the entrance, I saw an army of people climbing up from the station to reach the street level....

    I hesitated for a second or two before taking the first step down... 

    People were nice and smiling though in a steamy hot day as such ...

    Two steps later, I thought to myself again... and might have stopped for a bit on that particular stair...

    "Well, maybe I shall wait till all these people have gotten out before I start attempting to move down so that I won't cause a traffic jam?"

    Yet, on a second thought, well, by the time all these people cleared up, another train would have arrived--- unloading a different group of people trying to get out of the station.

    Might as well keep on trying to move myself down?

    Alhough I have kept the majority of my thinking internal, there was some memory leak and I heard these few words out of my mouth... in auditory format...

    "Na.... by the time I get down...."

    This nice lady heard my murmuring and commented as she continued to move up, "It will come again (and there will be one for you)."

    I tried to explain to her what exactly I meant while continuing to move down... only to find that...

    By the time the explanation came out of my mouth, I was already facing more and more new faces trying to get out of the station.

    Though I could have spare some part of my cognitive processing to stop the words from coming out, I dedicated the entire bandwidth to handling my movements and pain control instead.

    For them, who knew not of what had happened moments earlier, they saw a woman with a cane moving slowly downstairs talking to God knows what...

    "Just that by the time everyone gets out, there will be another train and more people trying to get out."

    In my imagination, each every of them heard a word or two as they passed me by.  Nobody knew exactly what I was talking about though, for those who had my existence entered their consciousness, such would be the experience shared by them.... encoded into the long term memory or not...

    "On the way out of the subway station at 110th, a self-talking Asian female on a cane trying to get down to the subway station at the speed of slow and stop passed me by."

    So it concludes: "At the entrance of 110 street subway station" where something happened or not though quite a few words came out of it. 8-O lol

    The end of Ratology Reloaded?

    Woke up in the morning with this genius idea... I think I am done with this Ratology Reloaded blog...

    I started Ratology Down with Meds in 2005 or 2006 and took it down in Feb of 2008 right before I went into the psychiatric ward again... and it was thereafter did I start this Ratology Reloaded blog.

    On a second thought... oops... I surely shall not take this Ratology Reloaded blog down for fear that the history might repeat itself again... 8-X

    May simply start something else... again... I guess...

    What should it be called?  Surely not Ratology Revolution.... 8-O lol 8-X

    Wednesday, June 8, 2011

    Men are strange

    In the wake of all these sex-related scandals these days, I have a conclusion-- men are strange.

    Reminding me of this old french film... Trop belle pour toi....

    Celebrex, Tofranil or zoloft?

    My orthopaedic doctor prescribed Celebrex for my pain.

    My neurologist prescribed Tofranil and he told me to take it if the pain gets too bad.

    My psychiatrist kept on telling me to take Zoloft though I did manage to come out of one of the worst major depression in my life so far-- the last few months.
    My friend, an anesthesiologist, told me to take antidepressant because, based on his past work with pain, antidepressant at low dosage seems to help alleviating pain-- while, seeing my happy face, he thought I must be loaded with a whole lot of antidepressant.... 8-O lol

    In light of all them experts' opinion, so I think...

    Having come out of depression without antidepressant, maybe I will get back on antidepressant... for the pain...

    Especially since, after these past 3 days of experimentation with Celebrex, I think Celebrex is not very agreeable with that stomach of mine, which has not been in much of, if any, agreement with me for some time-- to the extend that, given the nauseous feeling that simply won't go away,  I am starting to wonder whether I am pregnant---  a manifestation of an immaculate conception, again...  8-O lol

    Not to mention... everybody is telling me about the whole thing concerning... them Celebrex and them failing kidneys...

    As a result, Tofranil or zoloft?  That's the question?  8-O lol sigh

    Saturday, June 4, 2011

    Home sweet home

    Due to some unforeseen circumstances, I found myself to be more disabled than the friend I was caring for these past two days... lol


    Since my friend is now much capable of caring for herself, I decided to get back to my apartment to do my rehab again....

    I could barely move yesterday and the day before, and, slept for the majority of the day yesterday since early in the evening the night before.

    Felt much better today both in my ability to move and the pain level although one block still seems to be too many today.... 111th seemed to be a block too hard too reach from 110th.

    Don't feel miserable though when I was trying to get to 111th street... More exactly, the was one and only one thing going through my mind...

    "How interesting... my body seems to be in a really crappy state... crappier than I knew."  8-O lol

    All that I can do is to try to move one block more and some more each everyday since it ain't like there is any other way.  lol

    Regardless, although I haven't had the chance to start clearing things up yet.... Home sweet home...