Monday, November 28, 2011

I've been insane for 60 years

I went to my psychiatrist today.

In the waiting area, this older gentleman sat down next to me and started to engage in a conversation with the guy two seats away from me.

"So they say... I've been insane for 60 years.  I am 80 today."

Although I was watching TV at that point, I did overhear this statement...

I turned around and looked at him... in admiration and in awe...

So I said to him, "Wow... 60 years..." (A reaction plausibly too buzzard for the normal people to comprehend, I suspect, because even I find this reaction tres buzzard.)

He must have some really deep understanding about his own condition....and, not to mention, what a task, having lived 6 decades with his condition.

You see... this is why I always say that I am only a fledgling psychotic because I have only been psychotic since Y2K.... (that would make my head not Y2K compliant? 8-O)  only a bit over a decade... Hard to imagine having to live through all the ups and downs for another 5 decades... (and, let me not look too far or I might trip... 8-X)

So, I sat next to him till he went in to see the psychiatrist... feeling like a fledgling chick next to a rooster.  8-O

Coming to see the psychiatrist on his own at the age of 80..... though I don't know much about him... including his diagnosis... so thought yours with a stick... that's a hero.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

So he popped the question...

Went to the interview this afternoon...

I knew I haven't published etc.

Except for... I have heard it from my own mouth all these times but not from the others... (and people had me told that I was being pessimistic.)

The nice gentleman gave me an interview and popped the question...

"If seems like you haven't had any publication since almost 2004?"

And, he mentioned something like, "There isn't any evidence to really show whether you are capable of conducting research."

I was not to refute his opinion because that was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...  To be honest, I would feel very bewildered if this question was not popped because it would be the same question I would ask shall I be in his position.... and the same thing I would say.  I also bet... the same thing any other interviewer in academia would say... (and, that's why I actually retracted my application for this other human cognition related position.)

I responded, "I know."

And, to be honest... I think he was being really nice.  Personally, I don't even consider what I have done as "publications" since, for me, publications are what get published in academic journals-- not those presented in conferences and be included in the proceedings-- just that... something gotta be put in the resume, I guess... 8-O 

Regardless, come to think about it... ever since the data collection of my dissertation....

For the validation study of this Information Technology survey I was trying to put together... the collaborating professor left the school...adios them data...

My supposed-to-have-been husband ran away and so went the write up of this other project.

I turned disabled and lost the job at this place... gone are the write up of the program evaluation project I was preparing so hard for....

Was trying to come up with some publication this summer with this friend's project that I helped setting up... Yet, due to circumstances, it flew over the rooftop as well...

This other survey research I was trying to complete during the summer... somehow after all these months, no data points collected at all...

What the heck is going with all my attempts to conduct studies based on data collected from the others? 8-O

Hate to say it but almost like a cxxxx of some sort... me and the collection of data from the others... 8-X

At the same time, ain't nobody's fault... just the way it is... simply life and its unfolding.

Of course, I didn't tell that fine gentleman who might feel that he wasted almost an hour interviewing a, chances are, non-potential employee that...

I have my private project that's been going on since my last publication except for... I can't tell you or I have to adios you... (Don't think that'd be such a good tactic to tell him that... yo... I was busy conversing with God and Dr. Strauss.  What about that? 8-O lol)

Regardless, so I heard it for the first time in my life in an job interview... (Yes... dear, but where are your publications?)

I knew it was coming and I was prepared for it all along... I didn't mean to do it this way and it simply happened.  Interestingly, this is one reality that's shared by the entire world with me and without a doubt. (Don't know whether I shall thank God or not for it... 8-O lol sigh)

At least, one thing I can say to myself is... it ain't like I backed off before going for it... knowing what was to happen.

And, to all those people wanting me to go somewhere and be someone... yo... you can't blame me for not trying because I did try academia- just me ain't good enough.... :'-O 8-O lol 8-X oops.. (and, of course, would be nice to get a job... da job or any job... 8-X)

So I lived it. Something new in my life and non-redundant.  The way I somehow am destined to live it.... like many other things necessary or unnecessary for ordinary people.

It is just the way it is.

And.. "I feel fine..." if not... "Don't be such a baby." 8-O lol

And, so I thought... no wonder my family name is Chang (wow... there came part of my true identity)... absolutely 打不死的蟑螂.... a cockroach that simply won't die however it is beaten up... (And, honestly, I don't think there's  anything else that can give me a better beating then myself... some expertise, I say... grandiose or not... lol)

Oh.. lord... oh... lord... God, have mercy! 8-X

Monday, November 21, 2011

What have you been up to?

Went to my class reunions this weekend and met up with some old classmates from senior high school and college.  Nice outing and I enjoyed both of them a great lot!

As a routine, people ask me questions otherwise could be sort of "embarrassing" to respond to shall I have not reached a certain level of expertise in my iron head kong (鐵頭功).

In the first class reunion, where the majority of my classmates were medical doctors, someone asked me...

"What have you been up to?"

Before I got to generate my answer, this good friend of mine threw out her response, "I have no idea."

I second her opinion and replied, "I don't know either." (which is the truth... 8-O 8-X)

The day after was the reunion for my schoolmates from the college.  Apparently, as I was told, most of my classmates are already in the managerial level--- at our age.

This classmate of mine asked me the same question, "What have you been up to?"

Someone else asked the question, "Have you gotten the green card?"

Succinctly had I their questions replied, "I was at work. The chair collapsed and I became disabled.  Just when I was struggling to dig myself out of total disability, I got the notice saying that the application for the self-sponsored green card was rejected."

At some point, this friend commented, "Sounds so mysterious."

I still don't quite understand where the mystery resides in....

So I thought... perhaps, it is the truth, the whole truth and that nothing but the truth that made people feel "mysterious" about my so very nothing happening life? 8-O lol

Then, as I am typing these words out, I realize that... it is true that a huge chunk of my life was unspoken... all that's documented in this blog... can't even put it in my resume or explain to them... "Yo, by the way, I've been busy documenting the ups and downs and the somewhere in between of my psychosis etc and that's the research I have been doing... A lot of words, just no publication"... 8-O 8-X lol sigh

At least-- not until I figure out how to put things into a book especially when the crippling state might be shocking enough to many.   No need to break the news about the blackbox.

A question I have for myself... "What am I up to?"

Live my life, get a job, let the book thing be done with and keep on being happy!

P.S., And, how on earth do I still feel so happy when comparing my here and now to that of the others?  Guess, it takes a nut case like me to be happy despite of the fact that I am still off anti-depressant while on 300 mg Seroquel.  And, since I am psychotic... this gotta be what they say... psychotic? 8-O

And, unless... this kind of happy...  "I feel happy..." 8-O lol

Sunday, November 20, 2011

A question about the plausible "Big Love"

This short story I read back in my undergrad year kept on popping into my mind once every so often.

It might have been a short story titled "The Big Love," "Big Love," or not. 8-O  lol

In a nutshell, there was a young lady working at a hotel with a huge love sign by the Niagara Falls.  One day, she signed up to be a tester to ride a tube down the fall.  After the initial trial, out of all testers, only two people survive: this young lady and another guy.  Thereafter, something changed in this young lady and, if I recall correctly and chances are I might be wrong (speaking of eyewitness testimony), she went on a mission seeking for the big love.

Though it ain't like so many people read my blog according to the stats... yet, for those who come to this blog, can someone give me the title of the short story and the name of the writer by posting a comment?

(And, this is just damn eerie... as I was trying to google up the answer before drafting this post, someone else in Taiwan access this posting I made almost 3 years ago also about the Big Love at PM 9:42 Taiwan Time.... Don't quite think that was me myself since I am not using Chrome on Linux.  Though... whatever...)

Update: Finally got my own question answered in May of 2014: A lady, big love sign, and Niagara Falls

Monday, November 7, 2011

The most traumatic event in my life so far

In comparison to the trauma many people have experienced in their life, mine has always been Micky mouse.

Today, I think I experience the most traumatic event in my life so far... (other than the loss of people I love and care for)...

Homeless in New York and just lost my 212 number.

14 years... an ouch moment from retirement age though no redundancy on this one.