Friday, March 27, 2009

Artwork of Matija Skurjeni

Was trying to do mouse over effect for the image files... unfortunately, blogger just won't accept my javascript... >-O

In any case, nice artwork by Matija Skurjeni, another Croatian naive artist!

Please check out the website for more information about the artist (provided that you could understand the language... 8-O lol) and his artwork...



Thursday, March 26, 2009

Deconstruct

All these postings remind me of some older ones.... concerning deconstruction.....


  1. A phase of deconstruction
  2. The first step towards deconstruction
  3. How am I wrong-- cont.
  4. I have to

And, after all these years... still the same question I have....

"what do I have for me to deconstruct about, worthwhile to deconstruct..."

Well, at least, one thing I could tell you is that I did do my swinging exercises in-between the postings.... at least something constructive.... 8-O lol

Let's talk about fake

Rereading my own writing, I found the following quote:

"it is nothing more than I am simply a complete fake all along and all these years.... with the sole purpose of my "fakeness"-- fooling myself to believe in what I want myself to believe...."

This reminds me of a posting I made a few days ago which was actually posted in my private blog... about my fakeness...



Aren't we all fake in our own way... (or perhaps only me...)

Such as me...

Let's be honest...

Am I really having no issue thinking my journey in New York city to be coming to an end...

Or, am I just burying myself into one thing after another not so that I don't have to process the reality?

In addition, do I really not care about coming up with them academic papers published in journals or chances are I just don't have what it take to be doing such things?

Is it really true that I really don't fancy getting a job in academia or I just don't have it to do it?

Am I so fake or am I not so fake...

So fake that I am fooling myself.. could it be?

Wouldn't it be much worse to be faking to myself than want to fool the others?

Moreover, just because we close our eyes not want to see what we are doing doesn't mean that nobody else could see it...

So I ponder and so I think...

What it be like if what I have to live through today is so that I could come up with such realization?

Perpetuation

Last night, I spoke of how thoughts and deeds mostly requires a suitable context or environment to sustain their perpetuation....

The matter of the fact is that... at times, I would actually come to have the feeling that the blogs I keep have actually been the most efficient medium to perpetuate my mental health symptoms...

It is simply because, I often move around through the day failing to defy this propensity of mine to see other people's actions as a reaction of their interpretations about my writing despite the fact that there is never any proof that anyone ever read them run-on sentences of mine...

While even if there are proofs that no one ever reads my writing, I suspect that I would continue to wonder about whether there is someone out there reading and interpreting my writing given the intrinsic and inalterable bias in my thinking process-- ya, there is a reason why it is called THOUGHT disorder... 8-O lol

On a second thought, isn't it a bit not nice for me to be posting my disordered thoughts all these years to be interpreted by, presumable, at times, normal people (provided that there really are people who give a rat's ass about what I write...)? 8-O lol 8-X

At time, I would think to myself that....

Perhaps, I am to take the public blog off since them stories I speak of are getting too old for myself....

Perhaps, at the same time that, the only reason why the accident has to happen is simply because the contents in my blog was running dry...

How many times does it take for one to read them verbal diarrhea till one understands what it means to be delusional or hallucinational?

The sharing of the process sounds like an interesting idea.... Yet, how much would be enough?

Since there is nothing much new I could offer through the blog other than some useless mumble jumble....

Since, it seems that the only real and sustainable effect of my blog is but to perpetuate my delusional tendency....

I couldn't stop entertaining the notion of letting go of the blog... time and again...

And, I thought of the time when I took off my original Ratology: Down with Meds blog...

And, I thought.... can't teach an old dog new tricks...

All them useless thoughts this peanut-sized mind could devise....

Hardly ever anything new...

Mostly same old same old....

Perpetually same old same old....

When will the day finally arrive when there could be anything new that I could offer in my life.... in addition to same old same old?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Alternative hypothesis 2

Between now and the alternative hypothesis 1, I reworked on preparing the handout of a workshop I am supposed to deliver tomorrow....

Well, interesting enough... the last time I delivered this workshop, it was before the injury that might have resulted in the dorsal horn reorganization as per my hypochondriac mind...

The interesting thing I would say is that....

When comparing my modus operandi then and now....

I don't know whether others have also observe it or not (and, keep it real... chances are everyone sees it except for they don't say it... 8-X oops... lol)...

I would say that, for reasons unknown, I am much more prone to "act out" nowadays when comparing to who I was in the good old time and before the accidents....

Then, I thought of the strange comments made by my doctor in Taiwan (who I can't stop thinking is some kind of psychic... 8-O lol) and the "mediums"...

Essentially, I have to stop thinking about making money because I have to finish up with this learning thing and start working on the education thing... Nobody was able to tell me though what exactly I am supposed to learn and teach.... 8-O lol

Consider it is true that I have to get done with this learning thing first...

I was thinking today....

Perhaps, what I need to learn is to be myselves... to live with myselves... and to face myselves... while learning one day at a time in a safe haven how to live with the multiple manifestation of the thing called selves?

Alternative hypothesis 1

As I was doing my swinging exercise, this thought came up to me....

Dorsal horn reorganization and frontal lobe uninhibition....

What it be like shall the accident really result in damages in my neuropathways? Would there ever be a way to disprove the hypothesis? 8-O
  1. MDS (PG 13)
  2. From Hallucinations, pains, to dorsal horn reorganizations
  3. From intensified nerve pains during MRI procedure

Remember the days of react not? 8-O lol sigh...

From Frontal Lobe Disinhibition

To be honest, throughout all these years… despite my predilection for verbal diarrhea, many a time, in real life, I have actually failed to escape the consequences of my delusional propensity--- I have to be good because others are watching (and, of course, despite the fact that who gives a rats ass, be it skinny or fat, about my thoughts and my deeds 8-O lol).

Yet, in recent years and, I guess, especially after I sustained my spinal injuries or started doing my swinging exercises, I am finding this ever growing inclination for me to speak my mind while I see or sense things that ain’t seem too right for this rat’s peanut-sized mind…

As I was walking home after work this afternoon, I guess the verbal part of my mind was trying to construct and re-construct a perfect sentence to express how I see people with attributes that are not quite to my taste…

So, as I was walking down Broadway, I found a sense of exhalation… the sense that I am letting out the things that are in my mind and it is not the end of the world just because I express them thoughts defecto and continue to work on perfecting the expression of the given ideology… 8-O lol

At some point, contradicting to my preferences of forgetting about it due to the inalterable symptom call magical thinking associated with the belief that someone out there could read my mind.... I decided to review the original sentence I composed in my head and did some analyses on its structure…. Then, upon the observation of the redundant usage of the word “face,” I recited this sentence again and again in my head… trying to figure out a better way to represent the sentiments… up to a point when the sentence flows and rhymes…. making me feel all poetic… 8-O lol

The matter of the fact is that I really have no intention to pay no mind to no nothing other than finding a job, getting my work completed and/or finding a husband...

Yet, for reasons unknown, recently, things just get me annoyed for no good reason. These would be the same kind of events that I would have been simply putting them aside and…. forget about it…

Yet… it just occurred to me today, if not recently, that...

Maybe all these do happen for a reason....

For years and for many a time, I tried to see not what I saw and feel not what I felt...

I hid myself behind the façade of caring not about them useless annoyances in life....

How I tried so hard to be or pretend to be "a bigger person" and be "mature" about things....

Yet, such modus operandi did not seem to carry me too far concerning my mental health... somehow I suspect…

In reality, such modus operandi might actually have been a bit too taxing to my mental health because I had never been able to simply forget about it… it... it… it… it... and many more of it…

Rather, I might have simply suppressed the reactions, be them in deeds, in thoughts or in feelings....

And, perhaps, it is these suppressed deeds, thoughts and feelings that perpetuates the existence of my delusions and hallucinations… as thoughts and deeds mostly requires a suitable context or environment to sustain their perpetuation.

Perhaps, it is true that I have suppressed many of my reactions for too long a time...

Perhaps, this is just the God-forbidden time for me to do something along the line of frontal lobe uninhibition involving de-suppression…. although there is just no way for me to prove or disprove whether such change in my MO could be translated into the betterment in my future mental health condition. 8-O lol

Perhpas, it is nothing more than I am simply a complete fake all along and all these years.... with the sole purpose of my "fakeness"-- fooling myself to believe in what I want myself to believe.... 8-O lol sigh

And, of course, it is highly likely that I am simply a bitch from hell who is finally showing her true color…. and who tries to use all them useless thoughts to justify her everyday thoughts and deeds…. 8-O lol

Monday, March 23, 2009

IME and discrepancies

When I first read about how the experts found discrepancies between the observations of the others and patients’ self-report concerning their functionality and disability, it only sounded like another piece of information to be included in the measurement-related issue concerning ADL/IADL.... Good for the literature review section...

Then, I thought of how after my visit to the IME, days after I dropped off from work again, how the IME decided that I could get back to work with the light duties partially defined is lifting no more than 25 bls... while I could barely move my own butt...

That almighty IME... and alike...

So I thought... if not then, at least now... you better not be in my shoe because... then... you will have to live through the experiences called "discrepancies reported between the observations of the others and patients’ self-report".... and... what you do to the others... now you will see... (OMG, did I just sin? Or, perhaps, just pondering about the implications of constructivist learning approach? 8-O lol)

For... I wouldn't have known.... and did not know how this line of research would have anything to do with me... until tonight... when something reminds me of IME...

A critical review of scales of activities of daily living (Law & Letts, 1989)
Evaluating activities of daily living: directions for the future (Law, 1993)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Pregnant or Concussion

I was hanging out with this friend last night watching an old movie Hedda Gabler featuring Glenda Jackson...

Everything was very nice until when it was approaching 9 o'clock....

All of a sudden, I felt really really sick and literally "sick to the stomach".....

In addition to this gigantic headache, I was feeling nauseous and eventually threw up almost everything I had earlier in the evening...

As I was busy going between the restroom and my room, I had this question in my head... could I be pregnant despite of the lack of one essential component called having sex? 8-O lol

So I went to bed about 9-ish and eventually was able to make it to work at 10 this morning....

The headache was not as bad and no longer did I feel nauseous....

Then, some time in the afternoon, as I was bending down trying to secure the VGA cable to the computer on the floor, I hit myself in the head against the desk.... and it made such a loud noise that people in a distance actually heard it and turned back to check on me...

It was then did I realize that...

Ya... having experienced concussion before... what I experienced last night did feel very much like the symptoms of concussion.....

Except for.... how on earth could I experience the symptoms before the accident happened? (and, of course, crazy does crazy does... and... crazy see crazy see... 8-) lol )

Hedda Gabler

Found the following program on youtube... Ingrid Bergman's interpretation of Hedda Gabler...

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=49FB9206DFD23132

This interpretation of Madame Hedda seems to portrait her in a much more humane fashion when comparing to that of Glenda Jackson or Mary Louise Parker

Truth

According to Woody Allen, too much reality is not what people want....

And, what it be like when all you speak is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth that just comes out from your mouth without censoring....


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Zu hause sein with Emerik Feješ

The acceptance about my being so daily news somehow makes me feel so very zu hause sein... regardless the specific haus...

The following collage is composed of Emerik Feješ's artwork including Milan Cathedral, 1966.... on exhibition at The Croatian Museum of Naive Art....

I am so daily news

Found this funny clip by Julie Andrews and Carol Burnett singing "You're so London" at Carnegie Hall...

Ya... I am so daily news.... 8-O lol

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Hot flashes

When I was hanging out the other night, all of a sudden, I felt really hot and was all sweating... while no one else have any complaint about the temperature....

It was feeling so hot that... I could not stop fanning myself...

At certain point, someone suggested that I should step outside of the door to cool myself down..

So I did...

It was then did I realize that standing in the cold makes it even worse... When standing in the cold, I came to realize that the heat was coming from the inside...

Essentially, it feels as if I was being cooked from the inside....

At certain point, someone mentioned that what I have might be hot flashes....

That got me a scare because I am not yet ready for an early onset menopause... at mid 30's

Then, I did some googling and realize that there are many more causes to the experiences of hot flashes than menopause... 8-O
  1. Dilaudid withdrawal - hot flashes
  2. Generalized anxiety disorder - hot flashes
  3. Hot flashes - hot flashes
  4. Hypergonadotropic ovarian failure, familial or sporadic - hot flashes
  5. Morphine withdrawal - hot flashes
  6. Panhypopituitarism - hot flashes
  7. Panic attack - hot flashes
  8. Panic disorder - hot flashes

Other triggers include:

  1. alcohol
  2. caffeine
  3. diet pills
  4. spicy food
  5. hot food
  6. hot tubs
  7. saunas
  8. hot showers
  9. hot beds
  10. hot rooms
  11. hot weather
  12. smoking

For me... the trigger or the cause might be... the beer... my third smoke for the day... the caffeine intake of the day...

Or, perhaps, it is just my embodied cognition about my being too HOT for myself.... 8-O lol (and, yes, when not in dasein, it does seem funny.... 8-O lol sigh...)

Monday, March 16, 2009

Which are delusions?

So how do I know that my delusions are delusions?

Simple...

However all them experts might have the concept defined... delusions, for me, are simply beliefs without concrete evidence to back them up...

At the same time, delusions are the beliefs I have no control over... despite the presence of insurmountable evidence to prove such beliefs wrong, I simply can't change this belief and this possibly have something to do with some internal biases.... (doesn't it sound like many of our everyday beliefs... and it might be sort of like how, in the movie Fail Safe, Jack felt when he heard his wife said there was no war while he was about to drop the bomb in Moscow.... The belief... The disbelief... The choices... The confusions... at 8:30 in the following clip... 8-O)



The most classic scenario for me personally, though, is that....

I have this unfounded belief that someone could read my mind. So, I ask the person whether he or she could read my mind. The person would then responded that he or she could not read my mind.

The interpretation of such a reply? The person is telling lies and he or she could read my mind although I don't know why they wouldn't tell me the "truth" or due to some conspiracy theory.... in addition to I have no idea why anyone would give a rat's ass about what is in my mind... 8-O lol

Another funny delusion I have nowadays is that... people somehow have access to my private blog--- http://ratologyheal.blogspot.com/....

Delusional

How do I know that I am still delusional?

This is a question I have to answer myself time and again...

On a scale of 1 to 10, I score a 3 on the degree of delusions based on my naive estimation although I can't quite tell you what that number of 3 really means other than it is higher than a 2 and lower than a 4. In addition, what I could tell you is that, chances are, I scored a 10 when drafting the posting about my concerns......

At the same time, following are some of the distincts feature of my current state of "delusionality".....

I had some discussions about some sports team with my coworker the other day. Although I have no ideas about sports and do not follow it, I have heard from hearsay that the sports team we were talking about were not very good. Then, on my way home from work, I had this thought and feeling that people who follow sports were not so happy at my comment. And, I found myself thinking in my head this thought...

"I don't know sports anyway...."

And, I came to the realization that the above sentence was a reaction for this delusion of mine that someone out there is capable of reading my mind and hearing my thought even though I have no idea why anyone would want to do so.

In other words, I had thought of that thought so that the mind reader in my imaginary world could hear this though... so that the thoughts could be broadcasted.... and so that people won't pay no mind to my comment at all...

Other times, when I am thinking about whatever is in my mind, I would catch myself thinking in some fairly strange fashion....

Essentially, it doesn't feel like I was purely thinking silently to myself...

Rather, if feels more or less like I am thinking my thoughts out in a "sharable" fashion--- so as to share them with that thought reader of mine in my imaginary world.... although I can't quite tell you what it means to think without the intention of sharing my thoughts..... 8-O lol

And, the features are... I guess.. I still, believe it or not, still have that internalized automatic self-correction system running and thinking thoughts are broadcasted.... (like magical thinking and thought broadcasting? Isn't it amazing how after I go running around after my own tail all these years but still come back to the same thing? 8-O lol sigh)

Such concludes my current response to the initial question....

How do I know, currently, that I am delusional...

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Artwork of Edward Hicks

A few of Edward Hicks' paintings... including the Peaceable Kindom where everyone rests happily togather.....



Penn's Treaty
The Cornell Farm
Noah's Ark
Peaceable Kingdom
The Residence of David Twining
By the way, this is my first attempt to use image map on blogger... seems to work interestingly well...

Friday, March 13, 2009

The walk

After I finished my swinging exercise in my room, I decided to take a stroll along Broadway to see the beautiful life on the outside....

Then, this comment came to my mind... something about my "big fat ass".... 8-O oops... lol

I decided to take a even longer stroll... going all the way to the 90ht before I eventually turned back up...

What I enjoyed most... in addition to the ordinary night scene of upper Westside... was the second hand smoke I steal ever time I walked past some smoker.... One thing I can tell you for sure is that... believe it or not... you do get nicotine from second hand smoke as well... 8-O lol

The whole journey was eventless and peaceful all the way up till I was about to walk pass this phone booth...

I smelled something strange.... sort of something herbal....

As I was walking by, I turned around and saw this lady by the booth smoking something....

In my head... I thought...

Is that pot that she is smoking?

Regardless what that is....

One thing I could tell you is that... there was something really potent in the air whatever she smoked...

From then on....

I started from feeling sort of really relaxed and sort of fairly woozy....

Then, I started feeling like to fall asleep while the head turned even more vacuous....

It felt as if I was high on something or maybe stoned....

From then on and for many a block... half asleep while half awake.... I stumbled on and on till I miraculously move my big fat ass home....

And, of course, this question in my mind all this time...

How could some health conscious kinda activity such as a simple walk ended to be a trip that got me here at home... can't help yawning while struggling to keep my eyes open... and... perhaps... sorta stone? 8-O lol

Some other experiences not necessary for ordinary people... I guess.... 8-O lol

Hi tech smokes

Still on the 4 cigarette a day schedule and I am contemplating on cutting it down to 3 next week...

Might have gone on the other right shall I have known it...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E-cigarette

And, interestingly... it is actually illegal in many of the countries....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E-cigarette#Legal_status_by_country

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Uncertainty and love

After my swinging exercise this afternoon, I decided to get out and to see the world around....

So I sat there at the intersection between 110th and Broadway....



Then, I walked across the street and visited the supermarket where they played this classic song "Don't hold back your love"....



It was then did I realize...

As I am testing out the water called facing some life changing uncertainty, I am finding this self-defense mechanism to be building up stronger and stronger each every day.... to the extend that I am starting to make myself believe that there ain't no nothing that I love or care so much about life in New York....

My departure would mean nothing to no one...

My departure won't matter so much to myself any more...

So, in this getting ready process within which I am preparing for the worst, I find myself starting to remove myself from my life itself... (in addition to the contribution of Seroquel)....

And, the song woke me up...

Regardless, life has to be lived with full time love.... I have to live on with my love...



Don't hold back your love
Hall and Oates

I know what it’s like to be forgotten
Left alone with your simple dreams
But even dreams are fading fast
No one to turn to when you can’t sleep at night
Waking up to another day that will soon be over
And if you think that time has forgotten you
Well just look into my eyes
And know the times we’ll change

Don’t hold back your love
I know it’s here
I wanna see it come to life before my eyes
Don’t hold back your love
Show me your heart
Cause I will always be here by your side

Don’t be mistaken there’s still some work to do
Gotta get up every single day
Face the judge and jury
No one will notice they’ve got their own lives
We’ve got something they all want
It’ll be their surprise
And if you think there is no place to run
Just hold onto my hand
And face whatever comes



One more chance to find the higher ground
One more chance before the curtain’s down
One more night to turn your life around again

Love is in the Air @ Gina

Some nice artwork I found at the exhibition called "Love is in the Air" at Gina...

Sunny Side Up by Cruzalegui, Patricia Henricy (Peru)


A Brazilian Scene by Buccini, Lucia (Brazil)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Ivan Generalic's horses

Hope you enjoy them happy horses as much as I do...

You could also find more of Ivan Generalic's artworks at his online gallery.

Strange and rank

There are a lot of strange things in life....

Among them, one thing that I find most curious about is....

When I google the word "ratology," Ratology Reloaded turns out to be the first item returned shortly followed by Down with Meds -- A revelation of Ratology (Recovered)...

Since I have never created some kind of program to create hits to my own blogs and given my simple knowledge about how the ranking works in google search result.... provided that there is never any indicator that any of my blog is ever read....

Strange thing.... I've gotta say.... How could ratology reloaded rank first place?

Unless and perhaps, I am the only person to use "ratology" as the keyword... 8-O lol

More on sleep

Last night, I tried to sleep at around 10:30 thinking that the lack of sleep from the night before might help me fall asleep much faster...

Unfortunately, an hour and more after, I still found myself tossing and turning around in my bed...

So... I thought to myself... I am not gonna go for another sleepless night... no... I can't do....

As a result, I got up and took one of my Clonazepam... a means of emergency intervention for sleepless nights as such...

That surely worked....

Not only did I claim a night's sleep back....

The whole day, I was feeling not quite awake while relaxed, relaxed and relaxed....

Not only did I feel relaxed...

The physical and psychological withdrawals also seemed to fade...

The amazing grace of the anti-anxiety effect of da drug.... turning me back to be da happy and smiley again...

And, if you had seen me today, I was a happy jolly fellow on the job.... once for a change since a long long time...

And, I walked around during the day.... waiting for the drug effect to cease... try to be alert and stay awake...

And, so I moved around today with the realization that... regardless the causes might be, I have been living day by day trying to keep my head above the sea of high anxiety level everyday...

Then, so I thought...

Not really wanting to get on a different drug...

Yet, won't it be so nice if the drug effect would help me take them withdrawals away...

And, I thought.... WHAT? An eye for an eye and a drug for another drug? 8-O lol

And...

Wish I could go night night smoothly with only my ordinary night time drug.....

Monday, March 9, 2009

La forza

The forces of nature seems to be pushing me more and more towards this end... when things just helplessly come out of me the way they are....

A funny episode of House in which the patients lack of inhibition resulted in the uncontrollable act of telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...

http://www.fox.com/house/recaps/s5_e17.htm

As I was watching this episode, I had to wonder... maybe me and the patient share the same kinda etiology? 8-O lol

Sleepless

For reasons unknown, all of a sudden, I was unable to fall asleep the entire night... even when I was sort of able to fall asleep, I was sleeping light and woke up so many a time the entire night...

Yet, this is not really the kind of sleeplessness I experienced right before I went into the hospital earlier last year for there weren't them delusions accompanying the sleeplessness...

This made my having to fight to stay awake the entire day.... while not really sure whether I was ever awake.... 8-O

Sleeplessness... scary thoughts...

Sleeplessness... which makes me feel like to go to sleep now... since 9 o'clock....

Sleeplessness... yet I might have to stay awake until at least 10 o'clock... and how am I gonna stay awake till 10 o'clock...

Sunday, March 8, 2009

A way out...

Just when I am playing around with them maximum likelihood estimation for ability parameter.... this thought came up to me...

What's the maximun likelihood estimate of my ability to find a guy to fall in love with me and marry me in less then 5 months? 8-O lol

Set back.... or not?

It's been about 2 weeks since I started with my 4 cigarette diet... which provides me with the scheduled nicotine update at 8-9 AM, 1-2 PM, 6-7 PM and right before bed time.

Then, as I was reacting to the uncertainty to be faced in my near future, I took two extra smokes before bed time... which seems to be, to me, a set back...

However, for fear that the sense of guilt is to result in intensified anxiety, I decided to simply say to myself...

As long as we do 4 cigarettes only today....

On giving up

After my posting on a bit over 5 months from now... wondering about what I could do to make myself come face to face with the reality in life...

Last night, after a whole day working with estimating the ability parameter, I finally was able to come face to face with my near future... starting from wondering about the meaning of all the efforts I have put forth in life so far...

Could what I have gone through all these years be God's message... telling me that I have been struggling to live my life towards the wrong track... although it doesn't feel wrong at all?

In addition, how do we know when is enough and when we shall give up on pursuits with or without any meaning at all?

Then, I woke up today afresh....

Not because I have found solutions to all the minor dilemma I need to face in life...

Rather, now that I finally have come face to face with the reality.... now that I am granted a decision to make... to proceed with my efforts or to simply giving up...

And, as I was having a brunch with this old friend of mine...

I popped this question... like what they did in the movies...

"Would you marry me for 10 grants?"

He did not say yes although that doesn't matter...

Just consider it as one more experience not necessary to ordinary people... 8-O lol

What really matters is that...

Now I can see reality better... I can face reality better... and I will continue to try to do my best to live with it and to do my best about it...

The outcome?

I guess... come what may....

Come what may... at least at this point... all that I could say is come what may... for, at least, I know I would have tried my best regardless whether my best would be good enough...

Friday, March 6, 2009

on a bit over two months from now

A bit over two months from now... I would be out of work due to my running out of my legal status...

A bit over 5 months from now... shall there be no miracle... the mothership would ship me back home...

All these sound really serious and important... (or maybe not? 8-O lol sigh)

Why do I wanna stay?

Once in my life... I finally find a place where I belong and I feel zu haus sein....

Why do I all of a sudden thinking about the pending change of legal status?

It might have something to do with the decrease of Seroquel... from 600 mg to 500 mg...

The decreasing dosage of Seroquel seems to be starting showing its effect... in that... I am feeling less and less dissociated day by day although there is really no way to "scientifically quantify" the degree of decrease.

Essentially, nowadays, I can sense more of this thing called "a sense of urgency...." which involves my facing events such as the plausible end of my stay in New York city while it is my preference to stay....

The dissociation I have been speaking of had made it very difficult for me to even get connected with the present... let along the pending future....

Yet, although, now, I finally can appreciate this sense of urgency, it does not mean that I now am "capable" of facing the reality fully...

The reality (and what is the reality 8-O lol sigh) is that there is still a good amount of detachment I am sensing from the surrounding....

It is not I do not want to face the reality fully (although some might claim this to be the manifestation of some defense mechanism). Rather, factors such as the meds are still encapsulating me in a bubble of dissociation.... which might have resulted in my "inability" to fully experience the anxiety associated with the magnitude of impacts such events "should" have on me... and I have chosen to use the world "should" because it is simply a naive estimate I come up with based on what I consider as the AKA "common sense"...

Right now, I am still relatively calm about the near future and not seeing too much trauma in formation concerning the pending departure.

I could have love to claim that it is simply due to my ability to see how meaningless and minute such a problem is when comparing to those faced by many others...

Unfortunately, my gut feeling tells me that such a way of thinking is not sufficient in fully explaining my state of being... Rather, much of my response is still the manifestation of the dissociated state I am in...

A thought or two I have concerning issues relating to my whereabouts a bit over two months from now..

Meaning of life

This question came to my mind last night, as I was pondering about how one could allow oneself to live a life like mine for so long a time... with nothing as the only thing I have amounted to... and, thank God, that includes not having loans and debts..... 8-O lol

What kind of meaning could a life as such bear or bear not?

So I did a google search which landed me on one of the wikipedia page on meaning of life... though the amount of reading that is required to finish the page turned me away right after I reached the page...

To save myself from reading, I asked the others this question...

One not quite sure while the other thought calamari to be the answer....

Tonight, as I am sitting here wondering how the overcooked instant noodles could represent the meaning of life....

This occurs to me...

How often does this question occur in other people's mind?

And...

Why do I every so often ponder about the meaning of life?

Then, I thought of what happened in the elevator when I got back from work...

This lady asked me...

"Is your back better?"

Her question somehow automatically brought me into comparing how I was doing same time last year....

"Still room for improvement but much better than last year..."

This sort of make me feel...

It does sort of seem like I have amount to at least one thing....

Although still not fully recovered from my spinal injuries, at least now I could walk around like ordinary people when the condition permits...

So I thought... again... the co-constructive nature of meaning...

So I thought... again... the comparative nature of meaning...

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Within 5 months

A funny day, I would say...

No miracles... sa yo nara... New York...

Keep it real... 8-O lol

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Pane e cioccolata

Just watch this movie titled Pane e cioccolata ....

No wonder my Korean friend from Boston wanted to borrow this one.... story of my life... if not that of many others.... 8-O lol



Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Why quit?

One question my doctor asked me yesterday was something like...

"Why drives you into quitting smoking this time?"

Another good question... I have been contemplating about it for months if not years... but what is the driver behind this attempt?

It's been two weeks and I am not 100% sure...

Yet, I know it has something to do with this scary delusional thought I got in my mind when my delusions told me something like...

"You are gonna die young if you don't quite smoking..."

You see... this sentence by itself or on them quitting smoking kind of programs sounds very health conscious and adds a tinkling of scary feeling... but only this little amount...

Yet, this sentence in them delusional dasein moments could be REALLY SCARY.... no joke... REALLY SCARY.... 8-O

So, I guess... it is not me.... my delusions and hallucinations made me do it.... 8-O lol

And, perhaps, how could I have made it this time this far?

It might have something to do with the fact that I have been feeling so very detached from real life that I have so very often forgotten what my life is like including that minor component called... smoking.... an different perspective of functional amnesia... I guess... 8-O lol

So, I guess... again, it is not me... it is the overdosing on Seroquel that helped it... 8-O lol

And, doesn't this make you wonder whether there really is something true in the following saying....

"Things happen for a reason." 8-O lol

Da Dissociation

I spoke of this state of existence I have been trapped in with my shrink during our meeting back a few weeks ago...

Everyday, after work and on my way home, I would be walking down Broadway, having this curious sense of dissociation.... the feeling that the world outside is evolving by itself... independent on my existence...

It is as if I am traversing down them Manhattan blocks in my dream.

Not in reality but in a dream... for... the world surrounding me is to much detached from me to be the reality in life... the opposite state, I fiure, for low-latent inhibition....

So my doctor asked me this good question....

When does it happen?

Since I have, up to that point, observed such state of detachment after work, so I must have answered... "around the time after work..."

That question itself prompted me to observe whether such experiences only occur after work...

It was then did I realize that such a state actually has been affecting me far more globally then I had thought before expect for, because my initial observation had occurred on my way home, I might have been more prone to sense da state of dissociation when it is the time after work when comparing to other times...

And, after my doctor popped the question, I started to observe my state of being at times other than after work... such as when I am on my way to work...

And, I came to the realization that it is actually a constant state I reside in.... including when I am on my way to work, at work... and after work...

Perhaps, it is self-fulfilling prophecy that drives me into a more global state of dissociation....

It could also be that my initial observations were too limited in its scope...

Regardless...

Then, there came the time when I started to work on this smoking cessation thing... and the prolonged state of physical withdrawal that I have been living in....

The interesting thing is that...

One of the withdrawal symptoms I have experienced so far is tensions.... from head to toe.

The tension in my head somehow causes some sort of memory leak, I guess, and resulted in a sort of numbing kind of feeling.... which, to a certain degree, makes me feel even more dissociated.... 8-O lol

Depression might also have some contribution to the experiences of dissociation and detachment... especially after I started to go into state within which I have to seriously doubt whether my life so far is but a dream.... like this kind of dream...

In any case, this sense of detachment is getting more and more difficult for me to handle. As a result, when I went to see my shrink again yesterday, I requested to lower the dosage of Seroquel by 100 mg... and, as of yesterday, I am on 500 mg of Seroquel.

So, has the decrease of dosage led to the dedissociation of my detached mode?

The matter of the fact is that... be it placebo effect of now... life as it is today seems to be a bit more like real... though the change might be a good .0000000000x... 8-O lol

Feb 28 on Feb 13 2008

Something I put down on Feb 28, 2009 when I was going into the bottom of my depressive symptoms... Miraculous, my depression hit the bottom later that night and the symptoms seem to have mostly gone away as of today.... 8-O lol

Feb 13 2008

The depressive symptoms seem to have worsen today when comparing to how I was yesterday...

Essentially, I have moved into a state within which I don't really want to have contact with people and I don't really want to speak....

After observing myself going into a state when I feel absolutely want to be quite by myself, I decided to take a walk down to 75th street and back to 110th...

Other than the swinging activity that I do, walking is, I guess, the only alternative exercise that I could really do....

After I got back, I went back to do my swinging activity while watching an episode of House within which House was gunned down at work after being shot twice.

Interesting episode, I have to say...

During this episode, House was experiencing a lot of hallucinations.... though... to me, it was more or less like a dreaming state rather than hallucinations....

Towards, the end of the show, it was revealed that it was more or less like House was dreaming while in a state of coma....

After I watched the show, I went to fetch myself something to eat....

It was then did I realize that it was more or less like in a dreaming state I was in...

Life doesn't seem real... and I feel so very detached from the world I reside in...

It felt as if I am actually in a dream and none of my life experiences ever occur...

Or, perhaps, it were still Febrary 13th 2008 since I never lived that day...

Maybe... all that I think to have happened since Febrary 13th 2008 never happened because I went to sleep in ER on Feb 12th 2008 and woke up on Valentine's Day...

I am simply in a state of dreaming...

Funny enough... since it is all a dream... there can't really be delusions and hallucinations.... 8-O lol

At the same time, the sense of detachment has gotten stronger and stronger... in other words, I am far too overdosed on Seroquel...

As scary as it might be, I seriously have to talk to Dr. Winter about cutting it down by 100 mg...

Da fly

So, there came those days last week when I found depression creeping up and taking its toll.... after I started my venture in smoking cessation...

And... I finally reached the worst of the depressive state in the night of last Saturday....

This is a different kind of depressed state...

In this state, you want to interact with no one, speak to no one and there is not even enough energy left for you to attempt doing something that might help you change your state of mind...

It is the same kind of experiences I lived through twice, each lasting for months if not years, when I was in my teens... I didn't want to talk, I was always ready to go in tears although I won't....

At the same time, everyday, I was bombarded by this question.... the question about the fate of a fly-- any fly--- in a car or bus that had a fast start and stop... and... I couldn't stop feeling sorry for da fly... 8-O lol

I still remember clearly in my mind how, on one fine spring morning, when I was in the math class, the math teacher gave out the practice exams for us to do. After I took a copy for myself and past the rest along, I laid my head down on the desk, curiously looking at the world outside in bright daylight for the entire time.

When the time came to go over the review questions, of course, I was the first to be called on.... I put my head back up and stared into my teacher's eyes with the least sense of guilt or remorse... though with a strange sense of curiosity...

And, I replied...

"I didn't do it."

"Why didn't you do it?" The teacher must have asked.

"I don't know...."

Or, I didn't care, more acurately, despite the fact that I had been an A student up to that point...

Funny enough... two days before I went back to that familiar state, my best friend came to town to pay me a visit...

As we were strolling down Broadway and after she spoke with someone on the phone, she told me that one of the students she works with all of a sudden had a drastic change in his modus operandi...

"He hasn't taken a test for two weeks."

"He is depressed. Good season for it. Send him to see the school counselor to begin with."

"I was talking to the school counselor just now."

And, so I told her the story involving the imaginary fly....

And, this is one of the reasons why she commented about them experiences not necessary for normal people... 8-O lol