Wednesday, January 26, 2011

First time via sung shan airport

On my way to Shanghai with my sister's family and my parents via the Song Shan airport... not I am so rich but it ain't bad to have rich relatives to hop along.... 8-O lol

Growing up in Taipei, this is the first time I fly from this airport right in Taipei city.... and using the wheelchair access of this airport as well... 8-X

Using the free wireless access and there are also free networked computer for use.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Conversion disorder or psycho-soma soma psycho kinda thing

So I went to see the shrink for my regular visit on Monday and, yes, I go to see a shrink religiously regardless the dosage etc.

Interestingly, the psychiatrist also remembers me now.

I always see him at this location... sort of like the center for the Bureau of National Health Insurance where doctors from all different hospitals would come in to practice.

This doctor is from psychiatric institute where I had my internship in my much younger year...

Anyways, I told him that... recently, the weather changes a lot... in my domain...and blah blah blah...

He suggested adding zoloft and maybe upping Seroquel as well... though it would be my judgment call in terms of the dosages...

We ended the session with this question that I have to ask this shrink again a question I posed to many others...

"I am schizowhatever and have depression as well.  Chances are, they might have some contributions to my physical condition and the recovery process.   Do you have any suggestion on how to get this done with?"

Guess... there is nothing much that I want... I just want a cure or a treatment that would work for me.... to take it all away... and, of course, one that doesn't involve... to be or not to be.... 8-O 8-X lol

I am crazy. Period.

How hard is that? 8-O lol sigh

6 degree?

While I am here busy retraining myself to walk and the entire groundhog day etc, I just realized earlier...

It was 5 degree in New York City yesterday?  Oh... gees... Yes, Fahrenheit... 8-O

Might be due to the fact that I were not there... 8-O lol

What does it feel like to be conversion-disordered?

Zyngaing away aimlessly with here I go again going on and on again in the backgroud...

I have this question in my mind... yet, failing to decode...

"What does it feel like to be conversion-disordered?" (Whatever conversion disorder might be... and, again, I do not claim myself to be an expert in conversion disorder since that is one diagnosis I have not been officially assigned yet by a shrink... 8-O lol)

On a second thought... this is such a great song to speak for people with recurrent chronic conditions... 8-O lol

Sunday, January 23, 2011


Got bored with the groundhog day of recovering all over again, I decided to try something new out...

I created yet another blog... Ratology... pulling postings from Ratology Reloaded, Down with meds recovered and my private blog Ratology at heal in one place.

The process is simple.  You expert the blogs and save them onto your computer.  You create a new blog... populating it with data from the other blogs by importing those files you just downloaded through blogger (check here for more detailed on this simple process).


One thing I like best about this importing and exporting thing is that, if you had assigned labels consistently, blogger automatically consolidates postings from all sources under the same label... On a second thought, if you want to differentiate postings by original sources as well, you might have to make sure the labels in the original sources are different and do the consolidation manually afterward.

Speaking of old wine in the new bottle... The story of my life...sort of like... so very same old same old that I will die of boredem before pain or anything else already specified gazillion a time. 8-O lol 8-X

A screenshot of the Ratology private blog.

(This is cross-posted in Technologies in Ratology.)

Friday, January 21, 2011

Whitesnake - Here I Go Again

Once every so often, I come back to the song Here I go again...

The way I walk now... a whole lot of time, I don't have much control over where my body is moving to the next point... Therefore... lol

Anyways, my mood has come back up pretty much as of today as long as it doesn't swing to much to the other end... 8-O 8-X lol sigh..

Moreover, in my best condition, I was able to walk like ordinary human being 9 steps at a time before having to stop.... Wow... in 2 weeks, from 1 step at a time non-walking kind of walking to 9 steps at a time... Drastic improvement!

Therefore and therefore, My favorite part...

"I don't know where I'm going But, I sure know where I've been." 8-O lol sigh

Dire Straits - So Far Away

Dire Straits Where Do You Think You're Going

Dire straits - Sultans of swing (1979)

Scorpions - Wind Of Change

Bon Jovi, Jennifer Nettles - Who Says You Can't Go Home

Just Died in your arms Lyrics

Tears For Fears - "Everybody Wants To Rule The World" - ORIGINAL VIDEO

Eurythmics Sweet Dreams

Tainted Love Original

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Something new

How have I been?

To cut the long story short...

I found myself going into depression and da psychotic thing was also on the rise as well around the holidays.

Since one way I know best about fighting my depression off is to work... I somehow found myself a job and went to let them test me out.  That same afternoon, the afternoon of Jan 7th, my parents insisted on taking me to see a chiropractor and I never went back there again because.... I physically could hardly move again...

The end result: job gone, in pain, couldn't move, in a constantly state of thinking to be or not to be while watching psychotic symptoms going up and down like a damn yo yo...

The thought of throwing me into the river resurrect except for it was too cold and I could not even walk so far...

And... at some point, I went...

SHIP HIGH IN TRANSIT... isn't that groundhog day all over again, which I have entertained enough and I am done entertaining... Above and beyond... I have requested that Goddess of da fountain to turn that specific faucet off?  8-O lol

Well, now I can do lol at points but, believe me, it takes a whole lot of work to bring me back to at least the first "l".... 

So, this afternoon, as I was sitting here reminiscing the time past or on its way towards passing... or... how things in my life seems to be running an unfolding analysis eternally failing to converge... I had the genius idea of going on facebook and added some people I know to the account with my "real identity".

It was then did I realize that... OMG... that man called my ex-fiance is now married?! 8-O

I have been dumped by men left and right but this is the first time I experience this thing called finding out the man who was supposed to marry me (p.s. he did propose in reality... not in my wild imagination... 8-O lol 8-X) ended up marrying another woman?  And, of course, a younger and skinnier looking Asian lady who must look much better in grass skirts on the beach then me... though I did have my time in my life... OK... (wow... more sour than vinegar... 8-O lol)

Not to mention that I couldn't even find another man to dump me since that relationship and now he is married?  How is that fair? 8-O

And, ouch.  8-O lol

Not much later, there came the mails at the door. My mom went and got the mail... finding out one of them for me...

The first speeding ticket I received in my life... except for... that day the car was out on loan to my uncle and his driver friend while I was home most of the time drowning myself in sentiments of blah blah blah blah blah blah....

How on earth could it be for me to be sitting home doing nothing while, in official records, now I have a speeding ticket? 8-O

Just when I thought...

"OMG... Isn't life simply tumbling down on me and blah blah blah...?" ;-(

I had an epiphany...

Well... at least, something new... finally... I guess?  Chow Chow Phil! 8-O lol

Thursday, January 6, 2011

The Nobody knows Phenomena

One thing that makes me feel really funny about my life here in Taiwan is that...

First of all, I have to hide out if I want to have a smoke...  After knowing that I smoke for all these years, my parents would not let our extended family and friends know that I smoke.

Second, apparently, nobody else other than my sisters and parents know that I am psychotic because they never let anyone else know and although it ain't like it is anything to be broadcasting about.

Well... it ain't like it is any big deal and it ain't like I want the entire world know that I am whatever.

The only problem is... the others... as in the code...

Essentially, everybody knows of my physical disability and my health that seems to have suffered a bit recently and quite often....

As for them, my taking a break from it all is to recuperate from the repercussion of my back injuries.

Not knowing, above and beyond that my back of mine, I also have that head to take care of....

So, the other day, I got a call from my aunt... she wants to help me seeking a professor job.

I told her, part time at this point, maybe...

I know where she came from... "Yet, you have to get back up again especially with all of your qualifications... although you do need to let your body recover better."

I absolutely agree with her on the point that I have to get back up.

And, I have heard gazillion a time how everyone thinks I should go to be a professor and hold a prestige job.

Except for, call it a crutch or a delusion, something tells me that I haven't reached that level yet.  Even if I push through, it might be the same kinds of outcomes unfolded in that short lasting job.... which I went through with despite of the feeling that my body and mind was not quite yet ready.

Well, there might be capable people who could keep on fighting and fighting of the blah blah blah associated with blah blah blah.

Today, I am no longer... let say... who I was 5 years ago... 8-O lol

Today, I want to admire those high achieving people with schizophrenia etc... saying... how wonderful and how incredible...

For myself, all I want is to have a job that will not be causing me health problem so that I don't turn myself into nobody's burden.

It was that day or maybe even before did I come to this realization....

Why is it everyone wants me to meet their expectations for me? 8-O lol

Would it be so bad if I come out and announce that I just want to be in remission?  Would it make them feel less stressful?  8-O 8-X lol

Anyways, tomorrow I will go and try out a tech support job... keep my fingers crossed... since all that I don't know, I love working with and on computers even though they do drive me nuts at times as well.... lol

Another strange form of reentry experiences unnecessary for ordinary people.

Of course, one can always say that... see, you are being tied up by blah blah blah...

Absolutely true... expect for... I guess... I have to live with myself... might be entitled to choosing the perceivablely lesser evil... at least at this point?

And, what job doesn't have stress, right?

Well, sanity or else... my choice...

If I can't keep myself in one piece, it won't do nobody good either... not including myself... lol sigh

How do you live with a mental case

I have been living by myself all these years before and after I went psychotic.

Concerning depression, well, I had my full-blown depression as early as when I was in junior high school... Apparently, still alive...

Anyways, it was not until I came back these past few months did I realize that...

I live pretty well with a mental case (moi) since I managed to go in and out of the hospital for only 3 times this past decade.

Unfortunately or fortunate for them, my family has never had to live one.  As a result, they don't know how to live with one... I think...

Worst of all, even though I know how to live with a metal case called myself.... I don't know how to teach them to live with a mental case other than living as it? 8-O lol

Could it be... an alternative manifestation of da thing called re-entrance phenomena? 8-O

(Of course, above and beyond da blah blah blah... me possibly also do not know how to live with them... 8-O lol)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Happy New Year!

Tried to compose one more of my Happy New Year post since last year and simply could not have it finished...

So I thought... maybe... simply...

Hello, World!

Happy New Year!  :-)

Blogging and facebook games

Still pondering about and testing the implications of Blogging and facebook games on mental health... once in a while...