Sunday, May 27, 2012

Read my mind

Just found this clip shared by a friend on fb...

Haven't I told you that they can read my mind a million and a time?  Apparently, the fifth might not work with the reading mind.... 8-O lol

Sunday, May 20, 2012

ㄉㄢˋ 定 /dan ding/ 紅茶

They were talking about this story of "ㄉㄢˋ 定 /dan ding/ 紅茶“ in the office the other day... a story about breaking up.  Sort of.

When they first mentioned "ㄉㄢˋ 定紅茶“, I thought it was a new flavor of bubble tea kinda stuff--

蛋定 /dan ding/  紅茶- black tea solidi-zed with eggs... turning it sort of like Flan or egg pudding... an image I formed instantly in my head.  Yum.

Ended up, my mental model of  ㄉㄢˋ 定 is not their mental model of ㄉㄢˋ 定 .... or ㄉㄢˋ 定非ㄉㄢˋ 定 。 8-O lol

The ㄉㄢˋ 定 they were speaking of is 淡定 /dan ding/ - not my 蛋定 /dan ding/ .

Afterwards, the phrase 淡定 /dan ding/  popped up left and right wherever I went... So I decided to google up some good definition 

What is 淡定?  Essentially, it means calm and collected... so calm that even the sky collapsed right in front of you, you don't get affected.  Some said that it is a phrase used in China.

The well-visited clip people came up with to capture the essence of the ㄉㄢˋ 定 /dan ding/  紅茶story...

The well-visited clip people came up with to capture the essence of the ㄉㄢˋ 定 /dan ding/  紅茶story...

(To view the English subtitle, please view the clip on youtube directly.)

Would also like to share with you this impressive definition provided by someone with mucho expertise in Chinese literature.... very impressive....


淡 定二字,看似輕鬆,境界頗高。紅塵滾滾,物欲橫流、肉欲橫流,欲望一起,猶如惹惱了瘋狗,追得人屁滾尿流。人生在世,難逃三個字:名、利、情。為其生,為 其死,為其追求一輩子。修行或者修煉,最忌諱的就是執著。執著,就很難看淡,所以也就無法“淡”,更是不能“定”得下來。














淡 定是形容詞,不是動詞,不是一個動作,不是一種方法。所以淡定不能直接解決你肚子餓的問題,不能直接阻止環境污染,不能……。但是,淡定能輔助和提升一種 方法,讓你在解決肚子餓的問題時、解決環境污染的問題時,解決任何問題時,提供給你一個正確的態度,和超人的勇氣、過人的力量…….,幫助你更好的解決問 題。因此,淡定,是我們做任何事前必不可少的心理準備。

Sunday, May 13, 2012


As of this past Monday, the dosage of Seroquel is back down to below 25 mg Seroquel or around 7/8 of 25... yet again... from 300 mg in a about 5 months ago.

Don't know how it is with the other... personally... it is been like playing with Russian roulette...every 2-3 weeks especially in recent times.

It is not like I wanted the dosage to be reduced that I went and get the dosage reduced.

It's just that... every 2-3 weeks I would get over-sedated and experience all the familiar symptoms of drug overdose.  And, it makes it hard to be functional in the world outside of the psychiatric ward.

Sure, for years, I yearned for reduction in dosage... and I actually went on 1/6 or 1/8 of 25 mg.  Yet, today, I beg the reduction to stop because I simply could not handle the Seroquel withdrawal resulting from the never-ending dosage reduction.  Yet, it kept on coming and I doubt whether any of the experts could offer me a sound explanation....

It has become like a deja vu... "Here I go again?"

So, I did live through this past week.

Monday... sleep working the whole day leading me to cut the dosage down by 1/8 (and, yes, 1/8 only).

Tuesday morning... what a lovely day... it felt as I had been sleeping all these times and, finally, I was awake for a change.   Only to realize that the withdrawal does not kick in until later.... Yawning, sneezing, tearing, sleepy, tension headache, itchy...  till the time for the meds.

Wednesday and Thursday... continuation of the regular withdrawal symptoms and the realization that... I have been having the runs... Also, invulnerable body twitch and shake... reminding me of the time when I was on Risperdal.

So I was... twitching and shaking when trying to get a bit more literature reviewed.... good thing my desk is all the way in the back of the room...  Ain't my issue if other people observed it since what else could I do about it?

The pains were exceptionally unbearable on Wednesday...  I thought that the pain was still manageable and did not want to take my Aleve.  Yet, the shakes and bumps and the whole 9 yards on my bus trip home (the unmentioned) proved me wrong... The raining and chilly weather didn't help either. 

The matter of the fact is that... it is not only the pain... it is also the discomfort associated with the entire body bloating to a critical point of explosion.

Why resurrection of pain?  C'mon... any cosmopolitan mental knows it... the disturbance to the neurochemical system that is.

Finally, it was Friday...  I felt better, more alert, less discomfort, and, move better despite of the annoying shooting and throbbing pain here and there although towards the end of the work day, I noticed the energy level was going a bit overboard.... swinging towards to side of racing thought and mania... surprise.

Then, it was about 5:00 when I came chatted with this nice lady- a passersby.  In our conversation, we spoke of her knee problems and some of my minor inconveniences in life.

At some point, the nice lady offered a suggestion, "You should try to relax because the body heals itself."

I am in 100% agreement with her.  A body in distress can not heal.

Somewhere further along the conversation, so she inquired- something like, "Are you in pain?"

"You don't want to perceive it."  So I replied.

"Where are you in pain?"

Reluctantly, I scanned through my body-- from neck down... "From neck down but you try not to feel it."

Gotta be an answer too buzzard for her... "What do you mean?"

Words came out of my mouth without deliberations, "Cognitive control."

After I bid farewell to the lady, the words "cognitive control" stuck to my mind...

Cognitive control?  A notion so very paradoxical in the context of someone with no control at all over the body and the mind and everything else.

And, I thought of the act of my peeping into the world of pains in the reign of my body and them observations of pain.  Out of sight, out of mind.  If can be out of mind, why inviting it into plain sight?

Perhaps, while all controls were taken away, something was spared to this cognitively deviate with a broken piece of body--  cognitive control- nonsensical and paradoxical.

Then, a question...

I can get the relationship between the head symptoms and the dosage adjustment.  But, that body?

I have a naive theory dauerber...

In times of adjustment as such, I can only imagine how the neurochemicals were running around in the hallway not quite sure what was going on.... in a state of chaos.. with my two governments, body and mind, having no inkling what was going on other than outsourcing this thing called time--- for a recognizable path to unfold.  In a state of ain't no body and no mind having no control...  no control was spared to me-- resulting in my exposing nakedly under the reality of the body and mind.

Ya.  There surely is something true in the saying that the longest distances between two places is time.

Regardless, just when I have announced my retirement after reloading for all these years beyond down with meds, reloading themselves-- curious scenarios of meds down with me not (however I beg them to stay).

What can you do?  Since you are still kicking, keep on kicking, crawling, rolling and moving along in the least classical fashion imaginable... I guess-- though en route-- I run my mouth on God or equivalent  constructs a like for the defectory piece of crap kinda intelligent design out of its hand. (OMG... Did I just sin again? lol sigh)

And, why don't I call sick?  Well, the way it goes with my constitutions, the probability of my sick days might beat da conventional .05 level.  lol sigh

At the same time, does the impending reloading of dosage adjustment around corner concern me based on my recent history?  Yes.   But, dig myself further out first.  Unsinn.

Most importantly, am I still psychotic?  Everything I type, say, and do are watched and recorded as evident by the look, the things they say and the sense they give me anytime, anywhere and from anyone.  Let me break the news to you... that is positive-- positively psychotic.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

New experience: Wedding

Something new I experienced for the first time in my life... I got a red invitation, gave a red envelop and sat in a wedding banquet in Taiwan.  Cool...

Then, I saw this cousin of mine... about same age and also single like a bird.

Somewhere around our conversation, I told him that it is my dream to run a 黑糖珍珠 shop if possible since they seem to be making a whole lot of money and I don't even need to worry about the tea thing with bubble tea because the ingredients of  黑糖珍珠 are bubbles cooked with brown sugar and milk.  (Something new I tried out and I love it!)

I talked about the wedding I went to with due excitements...

He was surprised... "You've got friends who get married now?"

"Someone from work."  So I replied.

"Because most people our age are either married or not intending to get married."

After I said maybe I should find a man to get marry to because I haven't done the getting married thing, so replied my cous, "You might want to find someone who can carry the bubbles for you instead."

"A robot might be?  They say robots are good at doing many things nowadays?!"  So I added.  (In my mind, R2-D2 carries the pot with perfect brown-sugar pearls from the stove, through whatever path it has to travel, deliver it to the shop and lifting the pot up and down as I request.  Though... I might have to learn to cook them pearls first.  lol)

Regardless, my cousin surely had it thought through far better than me- partially due to the fact that I never know how it is anyone else's business whether I get married or my all these years.  8-O lol

For people who are married and who are getting married, good luck to their marriage and may them be happily ever after.

For me, might be more real figuring out where to find the robot to help me carrying weights if one day I can run a  黑糖珍珠 shop that makes me mucha dinaro.... sweet... 8-O lol