Thursday, December 31, 2009

Post for the New Year's eve

On my way home from my daily walk, as I was yawning involuntarily in my sleep walking state down Broadway, NYC, I heard this guy passing me by said...  "Disgusting."

I kept walking on and let my body finish up with the yawning routing... naming... mouth opening and closing.... and so on...

And, I let these words out simply out of my mouth without disturbing anyone... hopefully... "You are disgusting."

And... move further on.

Such captures some essential lessons learned this year.

I would have stopped right here except for something tells me to say more.... therefore, I decided to copy the following from my internal journal posted 2 days ago.

This has been a strange year in the sense that....

I spent hundreds of hours sleep walking.... mostly on Broadway.... in and out of psychotic episode grade of sleep walking... hundreds and a mile... in between... yawning, tearing.... trying to keep my eyes not closing.... floating around in the sea of hallucinations and delusions.... as well as the never-ending waking-up moments.  (Thank God. 8-O)

I also spent hundreds if not thousands of hours... swinging... to make sure the existence that is in gazillion a piece not breaking apart.

In addition, it had come to my realisation that... what I usually thought as intuition might be more than what is commonly considered as intuition.....

So I have often said... my intuition blah blah blah... therefore I blah blah blah... to follow my intuition.

Then, there were times when I tried to follow the intuition not (to defy? 8-O lol sh....)... thinking to myself... I could plow it through... like what I used to be able to... and, I realised... I simply could defy the force what I thought as intuition not.



Sort of like... da illusion of control... spoken of by da turtle... 8-O lol

Get to the core now.... to link all other categories together... simple or simply love.



Happy New Year and a happier New Year!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

凡人歌

Interesting concept... people have 雜念.... ummmm... it is normal....

凡人歌 李宗盛

你我皆凡人 生在人世間
終日奔波苦 一刻不得閒
(你)既然不是仙 難免有雜念
道義放兩旁(把)利字擺中間
多少男子漢一怒為紅顏多少同林鳥已成(了)分飛燕
人生何其短何必苦苦戀
愛人不見了向誰去喊冤問
你何時曾看見這世界為了人們改變有了
夢寐以求的容顏是否就算是擁有春天

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

A place in the Sun

Came across this fine song as I stopped by Starbucks during my walk in the sun...

A place in the sun-- Stevie Wonder



Like a long lonely stream
I keep runnin' towards a dream
Movin' on, movin' on
Like a branch on a tree
I keep reachin' to be free
Movin' on, movin' on

'Cause there's a place in the sun
Where there's hope for ev'ryone
Where my poor restless heart's gotta run
There's a place in the sun
And before my life is done
Got to find me a place in the sun

Like an old dusty road
I get weary from the load
Movin' on, movin' on
Like this tired troubled earth
I've been rollin' since my birth
Movin' on, movin' on

There's a place in the sun
Where there's hope for ev'ryone
Where my poor restless heart's gotta run
There's a place in the sun
And before my life is done
Got to find me a place in the sun

You know when times are bad
And you're feeling sad
I want you to always remember

Yes, there's a place in the sun
Where there's hope for ev'ryone
Where my poor restless heart's gotta run
There's a place in the sun
Where there's hope for ev'ryone
Where my poor restless heart's gotta run
There's a place in the sun
Where there's hope for ev'ryone...

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Not again

It feels like I am getting born everyday.

Anyways, 7:15 AM Taiwan time or 6:15 PM New York time, I was born again... What a asynchronous lifestyle! 8-O lol

Today also is my 2.5 years old birthday into my physically disabled life.  What a synchronous and asynchronous lifestyle! 8-O lol

In addition, today marked the day I see a paycheck deposited into my bank account since my I-20 expired on May 15th because the reinstatement notice finally arrived the day after I heard the sad news about the passing of my dear uncle.  ;-(

I finally can get pay now even though my bosses were kind enough to put up with having me hanging around like them little friends who are driving everyone up the wall in the office these days all these times. 8-O lol

The reinstatement only gives me up to May to finish things up and it gives me more time to finish things up.

The lesson learned... today...

Gratitude makes you happy and brings forth the sunny side of life even when it might feel as if the whole world is coming down... including your ceiling....

It is because, when you have gratitude, it means something good has been done for you... even though sometimes you do want to use your stick to beat people up really good when they get on your other side.... 8-O lol

罪過罪過善栽善栽... 8-O lol

T'is the nature of being human...

Among many things and people I am grateful about this year if not this life so far is that... I thank the opportunity I have been given to continue to "work."  Something tells me that I might have gone back and out of my bird nest if I had sat there everything-less and drowning myself in sentiments of blah blah blah while waiting for the decision on my reinstatement application to arrive, provided God knows what the outcome might be.

I am still psychotic but I am on 150-200 mg Seroquel while still kicking at large and I had never stop living for a moment( (Thank God) ... other than them never-ending waking up moments...

In any case, focus on live a happy life regardless!  A suggestion I could offer to whoever might want a suggestion...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Your choices are now permanent

I, unofficially speaking, have more than one mafia war account... for fear that if one accounts gets closed, I have other accounts to work with to see what it might be like towards the end of the journey.

Funny enough, some time after I created the second account, my dominant account became disabled... and it remained disabled since....

That rain-day account I created eventually surpassed the growing speed of the dominant account... Today, it is the main account....

So, I finally get to finish the Third Tier of Episode 6 "Pakhan" in Moscow today...

The day when I was not yet awake while starting to feel regretful about not having gotten up early enough to catch the free shuttle to see my shrink... and heard my voice said..."If you push harder, you will break."

Not you "might" break.  No uncertainty here but you "will" break. Psychotic symptoms or not... scary enough... especially when I am all broken and still try to find way to patch myself up... 8-O 8-X lol sigh

The day when my voice force me further to reexamine my life... and the prices...

I knew it is time to really put down and let go da thing relating to academia.... And, apparently, there is still this thought in the back of my head saying... maybe one day, after I retire from something else, I will try out academia...

There might be other people both mentally and physically disabled like me and who could continue to pursuit a career as such.

Good luck to you and take care of your health and life. Of course, best wishes to you non-disabled as well... ya... non-discriminating.... 8-O lol

I have now made a conscious choice... weighting all things... and decided to preserve myself for a wonderful life ahead and it ain't like my non-existence in academia would mean a ding to no nothing and nobody.  It seems like IT or number-related jobs are best for me.  Running a craft shop would be nice except for I need to first really win my mega-million... 8-O lol

It is not like I have come to this conclusion simply because I am disabled in the head and in the body.... Like... OMG... I am too constrained by my disabilities such as my head status to do it.

Rather, it is... based on my estimation and since the past seems to have some pretty good predictibility on the future... what outweigh what and what is the cost-benefit ratio?

Do I want to go against the odds if not Gods regardless... perpetuating the modus operandi of my past life... which seems to have led to the shattering of my existence bottom up... literally... because I want to prove that I can do it, whatever it is?

Not saying anyone should simply decide to not pursue no nothing without any effort because I did conduct my dissertation experiment all the way into the psychiatric ward and came out jumping right back into it and I have not stopped.  And, I did work and study while living with them ups and downs of my mental health conditions all the way and all those years till I deposited my dissertation and got that doctoral degree.  In other words, don't let nobody tell you that because you are psychotic... you can't get things done... provided you get your jobs done (oops... am I reacting to something? Imaginary or not? 8-O lol).

Yet, do I want to, above and beyond the acceptance of my updated self-concept, recalibrate for a "nicer" path (see page 154 about the process of coming back again in Strauss and Corbin (1990) Basics of Qualitative Research: Grounded Theory Procedures and Techniques.)? (love the word nicer... 8-O lol)

I have no regret about my life so far other than not making big money to take my parents for trips... it is just, at times, one just has to recalibrate.

Then, upon the completion of da Pakhan job, I saw this message...


Your choices are now permanent... 8-O lol

Speaking of synchronicity.... and no wonder I am delusional... 8-O lol

And, only hope this note will reach someone... positive way.

Now I can shut up again for a while.

Normal

Told the shrink about voices and presence of my uncles ...

So he said...

You know normal people could also experience it during the grieving process.

On a second thought, I do remember two guys told me that they could hear their fathers voices and sense their presence... including someone who is a physicist...

8-O

Then, I had this thought... if our ancestors still come over and check on us once in a while.... the empty spaces surrounding us all might actually be not so empty and might actually be really busy... then... 8-O

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Etiology and its implications: Why I went nuts

Sometimes I think the reason why I went nuts might have to do with the fact that...

I tried to hold back judgment on people because I understood blah blah blah blah blah blah...

Somehow I think the whole holding judgment and being understanding thing might have used up all my available memory and caused the system to constantly hang or crash.  8-O

One thing I have been trying to learn in this new life is to be "normal" or "human"... to reclaim the rights to make judgments about people's deeds and speech as per my "perception" and to authorise myself to feel pissed off...

For instance, one thing that really pisses me off is to see how evil people could be to use my disability as a weapon against me.

I am not BS-ing you that I don't have an evil side since I have this belief that everyone has an evil side except for one might just not want to face it. (see 墨子)

Since God forbids me from cursing people as per my delusional thoughts...

My evil side is that... the next time somebody pisses me off by using my disabilities (e.g, physical) as a weapon against me, I am gonna beat them up good with my cane 8-O to teach them a lesson on what it means to be like me to be in a "extended partial recovery course." (see page 154 about the process of coming back in Strauss and Corbin (1990) Basics of Qualitative Research: Grounded Theory Procedures and Techniques.) (Oops... a bit too violent... no good modeling to children... not to mention I can't even kill a bug  without squinting or move my own butts fast enough... sigh...  Guess this is the reason why they took my cane away and gave me a walker instead in the cuckoo cuckoo's nest. 8-O lol)

zen moment... zen moment ... God I have sinned... 8-O

Apparently, I am gradually moving into a state of anger... rather than simply low and depressed....

And, of course, if you say... this chick got issues...

No truer words... my head splits and my body broken... etc...

There ain't no doubts that I've got issues... so many that you don't wanna know... 8-O lol sigh

And, I got an issue with being disabled?  Which part of my English don't you understand?  8-O lol sigh

Monday, December 14, 2009

Quotes from Coding in Grounded Theory Practice

Charmaz, Kathy (1999). Constructing grounded theory: a practical guide through qualitative analysis.

Quotes from Chapter 3: Coding in Grounded Theory Practice

Check the following link for an alternative version of the paper
http://www.colorado.edu/ibs/pb/thornberry/socy5031/pdfs/CharmazGroundedtheory.pdf

Dey (1999): 

"There is a difference between an open mind and an empty head."

Verbatim of an individual with Lupus erythematosus:

"If you have lupus, I mean one day it's my liver; one day it's my joints' one day it's my head, and it's like people really think you're a hypochondriac if you keep complaining about different ailments... It's like you don't want to say anything because people are going to start thinking, you know, 'God, don't go near her, all she is-is complaining about this.' And I think that's why I never say anything because I feel like everything I have is related one way or another to the lupus but most of the people don't know I have lupus, and even those that do are not going to believe that ten different ailments are the same thing."  Page 52

A quote from Charmaz, 1991:

"A desire to recapture the past reflects yearning for a lost self.  That yearning results from grieving for accumulated losses from illness.  Here, the person defines losses and acknowledges illness.  Though she writes that she learned to live moment by moment after her stroke, poet May Sarton simultaneously longed for her past self: "Now I am frightfully lonely because I am not my self.  I can't see a fried for over a half-hour without feeling as though my mind were draining away like air rushing from a balloon'. (1988, P. 18)

The sorrow for a past self increase when people believe that they might not reclaim it.  Even after trying to wait out illness or treatment, regaining the past self and recapturing the past may remain elusive.  Sarton suggests this elusiveness when she writes that 'to manage such a passive waiting life for so many months I have had to bury my real self-and now realize that bringing back that real self is going to be even more difficult than it was to bury it'. (1988, p. 78)

A quote about preconceived notions (P. 68):

"You cannot assume what is in someone's mind-particularly if he or she does not tell you."

"If you reframe participants' statements to fit a language of intention, you are forcing the data into preconceived categories-- yours, not theirs."

"A fine line exists between interpreting data and imposing a preexisting frame on it."

Our little friend


An imaginary portrait of our little friend... 8-O 8-X lol

Sunday, December 13, 2009

March of penguins

Watching march of penguins while eating...

So narrated Morgan Freeman...

"one way or another, they all find the one they were looking for."

With the camera zooming in to two penguins together...

So I thought....

How do they find the one when they all look the same?

Then, I thought again...

Maybe that's the same way the penguins think when they see human...

How do they find the one when they all look the same?

So I spent the rest of the movie trying to sort through the unopened mail.... 8-O

Two thoughts came to my mind...

First, how did the mama penguin find the husband and the chick after they came back from the sea since... they all look the same to me...

Second, them chicks are so cute... if only I were a penguin... but no... their life seems to be too tough.... the cold and the marches....

Culture-bound

Today, as I stopped by Barnes and noble during my walk, I somehow decided to swing by some non-craft book section, scanned through the title and found this book on the table... The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us

The table of content was what I wanted and I found in Chapter. 11 what I was thinking of and might be unconsciously looking for... "Chinese Bereavement Ritual".... Unfortunately, my understanding of much of what is written here have been based on personal experiences... including polytheistic religion, orchestrated crying ritual and so on....

If only I could be simply God-blessed-ly ignorant...

Interesting enough, as I was preparing this post, I tried to look up this book... it was not until when the book was loaded on the webpage did I realise... I know that guy who wrote this book... I see him all the times at the College.... 8-O

Culture-bound

I don't like the grieving process... it makes you feel really sad even if you want to make yourself believe that... perhaps, all of those passed now have become Gods.. or 仙...

The thought of them becoming 仙 makes death not so awful... because now they have supernatural power and they could protect you.

Yet, regardless whether you believe in it or not, you still get overcome by sadness when it comes.

And, like what my grandma said to me in a nightmare years back... years after she passed away....

"It is just the way it is."

So many other people have lived through and out of it. So could others including me.

The bad habits of hallucinations and delusions do make it more complicated for me to deal with the process... I think... not to discount anyone else's experience... and, perhaps, this is why they were trying to hide the news from me...

So... my uncle's funeral took place on Dec. 13th Taiwan Time.... which translates into yesterday night in New York time....

Then, I thought of the idea of a funeral....

In addition to using it as a function to show our respects and everything else to the deceased... who we would love to believe to have now 成仙 and taken by Buddha to 西方極樂世界......

The funeral provides a space for the survived to be together and give each other supports....

I would have preferred to stay home and mourn... listening to them useless thoughts in my head in whatever form...

Yet, something told me that I need to be with people...

So... I went out to be with people....

I did not tell no soul what the heck was going on in my mind other than simply being a melancholic drama queen for the night. For me... that was good enough since I was not 涕淚縱橫...

I did stick to the 素菜 (vegetarian) diet for the Taiwanese December 13th....

Later I thought...

If my uncle really has turned to be a 仙, he would rather me to stay with people and listen to real people talk... What it be like if he has something to do with that something that got me out of the house?

Where is the boundary between pathological magical thinking and cultural beliefs?

How bad is such a thought?--- a question for myself... (and, I guess, as long as I can keep it real... 8-O)

Friday, December 11, 2009

How long does it take to break a rat?

The topic came up today about the concept of proving oneself...

To prove that I am in dispensable to human race.... including the United States... 8-O lol

To prove that I am all encompassing... perhaps... I am or I will do all that I could do to be the best... the expert... the whatever...

Been there...

Done that...

Today, OMG...

I am done proving myself to myself.

This piece of wreck is literally a perfectly broken piece of work... especially worsen in winter times... the longer I stay out in the cold... the slower I walk... And, that head of mine? God bless... 8-O lol 8-X

Yet, I guess... well... could always try to fine-tune it in some capacity... yet... good enough for myself.

From one perspective, 2 and a half years seem to be a long time.

On the second hand... ain't seem like it took all that long to break a rat till all that the rat wants is to be healthy, happy and play... so they say... play therapy... I guess... (of course, I could manage to learn to be rich.... 8-O lol)

Of course, only my unconscious knows whether I really think I am good enough for myself... Therefore, the burdon of proof is on my unconsciousness and got nothing to do with I who am in a state of one country... God knows how many governments.... 8-O lol

Milestone

Today marks one historical milestone in my life.

I actually woke up early to cook string beans and ground beef with black bean garlic sauce. Not quite sure how edible it might be though since this is the first time I did it (sh......). 8-O 8-X lol

First of all, I used oil in my cooking.

Second, I used black bean garlic sauce to cook for the first time.

Third, I used garlic to season.

Fourth, I added meat.

Fifth, this dish included multiple ingredients and multiple steps (as opposed to putting everything into the pot to bring everyone to a boil together).

Most importantly.... OMG... cooking involving all of the above already do I hardly do... less than 10 times many in my life... not to mention doing it 8 o'clock in the morning... 8-O lol oops...

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Psychosomatisation

Ever since I started going through the grieving process, even my body has gone into a much worse shape with aches and pains and discomfort taking their comeback...

Might have something to do with the cold weather as well...

In any case, perfect scenario of psychosomatisation.

You know it helps nobody to be in this state... Yet, it simply is the way it is until I finally get myself out of it.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Three issues

There are three major issues in life...

Life and death and all the nonsense in between...

The only room we have been spared with is the pursuit of happiness unless you find suffering more to your taste.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

風颱 day

I have been in a foul mood today... especially since this afternoon...

It is the kind of foul mood that, if you rub me the wrong way, be careful being swiped by the tail of a typhoon... 掃到風颱尾...

Extremely irritable to any non-sense perceivable...

A reaction to a bad news... this dear uncle of mine passed...

It is through him that I learn... Life is a gamble... The higher you roll, the more you could gain and the more you could lose...

But.. when the investment went down south, bite the loss with grace. Take the time to regenerate and to restart...

When thing are fine, share with friends with good food and drinks...

阿沙力 and 兩肋插刀 he has been the entire life...

My gratitude... no way to him directly... pay back...

So they say....

受人點滴泉湧以報...

Not to mention that we have always been... so they say... 稱兄道弟... or... buddy buddy... sigh

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Seroquel commercial

The Seroquel XR commercial caught my attention... especially the side effect section..... death... uncontrollable muscle movements as it might be permanent... 8-O 8-X

Blog

Heard this funny comment today from a student...

"They want us to blog every week..." if not every class...

I was laughing my head off on the inside...

I tried to make my students do blogging on a daily basis years back when I was teaching graduate school class... and, that, among the plausible simple fact that I am a really bad teacher, got me away from them teaching jobs.

The moral of the lesson...

Until you get tenured or established...

Don't try no nothing funny..... though what was once funny might eventually become the norm... 8-O lol

Eating my dinner while watching Rudolf on TV...

What on earth did I have to be different? 8-O lol

While... the matter of the fact... I just had to do it.... 8-O lol sigh

(Where is the misfit toy land? Expect for... living things can't live on da land...) 8-O lol

To be serious, it would be wonderful though if it's implications could really be realised... Would be wonderful...

Monday, November 30, 2009

Making no money

This issue of my not making any money keeps popping up recently... might have something to do with I really am not making any money especially when I don't even know what the decision of department of homeland security might entail.

Expectations I set for now is setting no expectations at all.

So... this guy's comment hit the optimal point tonight...

"How would you have a doctoral degree but not make any money."

In addition, this other comment from this other guy I bumped into when I was coughing my lungs out for no good reason (well, smoking related perhaps...)

"You still haven't got a green card? How can you make it in New York?"

One thing I could say is that...

Men are good at hitting the spot... 8-O lol

And... so they say about network security... the network is only as strong as the weakest link...

Ouch... 8-O lol

The only thing I could say to myself is that...

Damn right... I got a doctoral degree and I am making no money.

Yet, I have no debt at all and I have been making it on my own since years ago. (You feel da reaction there.... 8-O lol)

Not quite bad, I guess, for some bump with no income at all... looking at the bright side... 8-O lol

In addition, at least I still have a job so that there ain't no gap in my professional life... 8-O lol

What could I say? Ain't nobody put me into this state...

And... live your life... as Grandma said... 8-O 8-X lol

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Eel

Am eating my dinner... finished up some leftover eel first...

Then, I heard my voice...

"This eel she's having is really aphrodisiac...."

Was gonna go... Voice again...

Then, I decided to google it up...

Apparently, without my knowing it, my hallucination is correct... eels do have aphrodisiac effects... 8-O lol

Age

Got IDed when buying cigarettes yesterday.... and I took it as a complement.... huge compliment... 8-O lol

So I asked this friend of mine to estimate my age...

Apparently, the consensus is that I look about 10 years younger than I really am...

Damn... no longer looking like 21.... Perfectly vain... 8-O lol

Sex talk

My friend was telling me about the sex talk he had with the daughter who is a "legal young adult"...

So he might have said...

"Go enjoy yourself and don't be an idiot... Use protections and be careful."

Even better...

"Just because you have sex doesn't mean that you have to get married."

8-O lol

Never done that myself... gotta be sort of awkward...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Cane-less

While some people in my imaginary world might still be pondering about how psychosomatisation is liked to my need to use cane this past week or two, I finally am cane-less again...

Why does it take longer this time for me to get rid of the cane when comparing to da condition following the MRI scan, for instance?

My rationale...

The MRI scan disturbed the Xi or energy field...

The stupid laptop moving activities caused problem at the physical level...

This might be why it took longer to be cane-less again.

Commitment phobia

Was talking to my friend about how I tried to load Linux onto this old laptop left by Mr. Houdini... Yet, the computer is so old that even Linux is too much for it too handle...

At some point into our discussion, I said to my friend...

"I have commitment phobia. Because all of these once-upon-a-time state of art technologies eventually turned obsolete."

Later I thought about the differences between relationships with man and with computing technologies...

Then, it turned clear to me... apparently, if I ever thought I had commitment phobia with men, it would be mickey mouse case when comparing to my phobia in committing to computers... since I have committed (8-O lol) myself to all them run-away-men but I had never bought a computer for myself... 8-O lol

With technologies, the future is set... even before you make the purchase, you know however high end it might be... it will be turning obsolete...

With men, and, hopefully, it is like gambling... if not like playing with slot machines... some people have it easy and win the jackpot with their first penny, nickle, dime or quarter.... for the others... after going through the losing spree... keep on wishing for the chance to win.... 8-O lol 8-X

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Green Card Lottery

Just submitted my Green Card Lottery entry after double-checking the Calendar...

今日黃曆 今日時辰時局
公歷: 西元2009年11月25日
農曆: 農曆10月(小)09日 星期三 射手座
歲次: 己丑年、生肖屬牛、乙亥月、甲戍日
每日胎神占方: 門雞棲外西南
五行: 山頭火 閉執位
沖: 沖龍(戊辰)煞北
彭祖百忌: 甲不開倉財物耗散 戍不吃犬作怪上床
吉神宜趨: 四相 月德 益後 金匱
宜: 祈福 齋醮 出行 訂盟 納采 入殮 移柩 破土 安葬 立碑 結網
凶神宜忌: 血支 月虛 月煞 五虛 八風
忌: 入宅 作灶

Anyone reading... pray for me.... especially when today is a good day for 祈福...

Like what the fortune teller said... whatever I have in life, I worked for it (including all my inconvenient conditions 8-O lol).

Once in a while, I do like to win something... If I could not win the Mega million, at least, let me win da green card lottery....

For people who are interested, the deadline for application is noon, Eastern Standard Time (EST) (GMT-5), Monday, November 30, 2009.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

忌:諸事不宜

Was going to submit myself into the green card lottery...

Then, I decided to check the 農曆

Apparently....

西元2009(民國98年)11月24日 農曆10月(小)08日 星期二
沖:沖兔(丁卯)煞東
宜:諸事不宜
忌:諸事不宜

Guess this is what they call the can't do no nothing day.... 8-O lol

I am not superstitious... and I have no doubt... that I might have to do it tomorrow... first thing in the morning... 8-O lol

Might use today to turn the old laptop into a Linux machine.... since 死馬當活馬醫... 8-O lol

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Someone else's wife

While a lot of people take care of me, I also have been given a lot of chances taking care of someone else's wife through out the years...

So today, I was running around doing grocery shopping to take care of my household.

One person household. 8-O lol

Then, I thought of the times when I was taking care of someone else's wife...

So I thought...

Since one day I am going to marry myself, if not selves, off....

Man... I am still and why am I still busting my own behind taking care of someone else's wife... and a disabled one... 8-O lol

Don't know whether it is pathological or not... a lot of my useless thoughts are pretty strange while, at times, funny to myself... 8-O lol

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Science?

My friend asked me yesterday...

"Wow, all three daughters in your family went into science?! Why did you choose science rather than art?"

I didn't quite remember why other than I am very vain and science seem to be the "Wow science" kind of thing.

The posting earlier today brought me back to my school days...

I have never been good in memorising things but they kept on telling us to memorise those old people's writing and deeds... in Chinese, History and Geography class in junior high school and senior high school so that you can pass the entrance exams to high school and to college.

I still remember the time when they tried to make me memorise what Confucious said and writings of people like Lao Tzu, and 崔瑗. In addition, why on earth would I care about Taoism etc? It was pure suffering and absolutely annoying.... and still the same I feel today. Yet, they made you them memorised... Today, I can recall hardly anything they try to make me memorise..... leaving enough fragments to googlise.... 8-O lol

Maybe that was why... 8-O lol

鄉愿 disorder

An alternative hypothesis to the Can't mind my own business disorder or etiology is 鄉愿 disorder--- as per 孔子 in 論語陽貨13 "鄉愿,德之賊也."

Essentially, you try to make everybody like you indiscriminately. (Sort of like being fake and phony? Not quite sure how you translate it.)

An example would be...

Yesterday afternoon, I tried to walk down the stairs to the subway. Stairs are especially difficult for me and, after each step or two, I had to stop to recoperate before moving forward. Thus, it took me a long time to finally get to the station.

After arriving at the station, I tried to walk towards the direction of the first few cars. This was when yours disabled psychotic came across these two young kids....

They gave me this funny look and one of the woman said something like...

"Finally get here." Sounding sarcastic.

The other one added something like, "Because the night is still young."

Well, at this stage of my life, I am allowing myself to react so that I can move on to forget.

Thoughts ran through...

Ignorant people making fun of the plight of people with disability.

Live your life since I did complain to friends about how them people on wheelchair made the bus trip so much longer and that was the reason why I was late for the lunch.... 1-2 months right before the accident that shook me to a total disability state of being.

Sort of like what they said on TV... Life comes back at you fast. 8-O lol oops...

Regardless...

Think about it...

Two sentences I overheard from two strangers I walked past by in the subway station.

All the wing flipping....

The core of my problem... 鄉愿 而已.

Thought I was working on that?

Talk is cheap.

In my head

This guy's thought has been in my head more and more frequent... at times, represented in voices...

"柔弱生剛強"..... (might have something to do with my absolutely broken state of existence... 8-O lol)

Well known philosophy of 老子 or Lao Tzu....

老 子: 「道 德 經」 : 第 七 十 六 章

    人 之 生 也 柔 弱 , 其 死 也 堅 強 。
    草 木 之 生 也 柔 脆 , 其 死 也 枯 槁 。
    故 堅 強 者 死 之 徒 , 柔 弱 者 生 之 徒 。
    是 以 兵 強 則 滅 , 木 強 則 折 。
    強 大 處 下 , 柔 弱 處 上 。

老 子: 「道 德 經」 : 第 七 十 八 章

    天 下 莫 柔 弱 於 水 , 而 攻 堅 強 者 莫 之 能 勝 , 以 其 無 以 易 之 。
    弱 之 勝 強 , 柔 之 勝 剛 ,
    天 下 莫 不 知 , 莫 能 行 。
    是 以 聖 人 云 :
    「 受 國 之 垢 , 是 謂 社 稷 主 ﹔
    受 國 不 祥 , 是 為 天 下 王 。 」
    正 言 若 反 。

His idea has also been mentioned in the following classic 座右銘 by 崔瑗 〔後漢〕....

無道人之短, 無說己之長. 施人慎勿念, 受施慎勿忘.
世譽不足慕, 唯仁為紀綱. 隱心而後動, 謗議庸何傷.
無使名過實, 守愚聖所臧. 在涅貴不緇, 曖曖內含光.
柔弱生之徒, 老氏誡剛強. 行行鄙夫志, 悠悠故難量.
慎言節飲食, 知足勝不祥. 行之茍有恆, 久久自芬芳.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

So psychotic...

As I was waiting for my smoking counsellor while folding my Spread Hexagon Tessellation like a good girl today, this thought came up to me...

I have heard people making comments about how people or things are "so psychotic!"

What exactly does it mean for people or things to be "so psychotic!"

Is it like the "As I was waiting for my smoking counsellor while folding my Spread Hexagon Tessellation like a good girl" kind of phenomenon that people refer to when they speak of "so psychotic!"

And....

What is the difference between "so psychotic!" and "so neurotic!"--- even though it ain't quite matter to me since I am both psychotic and neurotic.... 8-O lol 8-X

Perhaps, people use it interchangeably?

Can't mind my own business disorder

Recently, I came to this realisation...

One disorder I have not been diagnosed of... shall there even be such a diagnosis is the "can't mind my own business disorder"...

Unless, this is actually the etiology... 8-O lol

For instance, think about paranoia or self-referencing thinking...

Such as...

When I overheard one of this lady said to the other when I came out from my shrink's appointment... "It gets better... she would get worse."

Or... what this guy said to the woman standing next to him when I was trying to cross the street to take the bus earlier in the day... "At least it's gotta be 9 o'clock Tuesday night when...."

Mind your own business... why on earth do you keep on bringing other people into your imaginary world?

... while... if I can imagine it, someone gotta be able to entertain it.... otherwise there won't be such study about human cognition.... 8-O lol 8-X

Such a diagnosis or etiology is also applicable for the energy kinda stuffs etc....

Monday, November 16, 2009

Excruciating pain

Excruciating nerve pain...

You can't type..

Excruciating nerve pain...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

A quote

An interesting quote I came across from a TV show that I hardly watch... Eastwick...

"You can't pretend the outcome without going through the motion..."

Sort of like what I always say to myself...

Talk is cheap.

Thoughts

It occurs to me that there seems to be some significant correlation between my body status and the amount of thoughts going through my head.

My interpretation: excessive thoughts and verbalization as a result of no good energy flow?

Allergy

Some people are allergic (i.e. have an electromagnetic allergy) to 50 or 60 Hz electromagnetic fields... (Well, I guess, next time you find someone that you dislike or distrust for no reason, you could think of it this way... I think I am allergic to their electromagnetic field... oops... 8-O lol)

At the same time, this leads me to ponder... Do people with similar personality occupy similar parts of the electromagnetic spectrum?

Or, do PCs and Macs create different magnetic fields and this is why some people feel more in tune with PC and others with Macs? 8-O lol

And, the perception of the electromagnetic field... is that what they call as aura? And, when people could see aura, is it because their electromagnetic field happen to be in the right frequency?

An interesting light reading about human existence and magnetic fields.... as I continue to be fascinated da ueber...

The chick that stares at trees

Tried to get out and move around and was only able to walk for as long as a block before it exceeds the body limits and the pain and spasm resurrects.

Needed to get some food for dinner... and I had to get some vegis from the fruit stand...

The longest block with 5 limping step at a time.

Sitting on the bench, staring at da tree... reminding of them winter's day and nights staring at da tree wondering whether there would be a day when I could walk again.

Would need to get back to my cane again.

However, it is much better than what I had to go through after the MRI scan... I think...

Did a whole lot of swinging thing so far today and would need more there after.

A pill of da Naproxen as well... after dinner so that I don't kill my stomach.

Is it scientifically possible?

Still, I could not help to ask...

All about energy

Absorbing or being affected by other people's energy?

I thought I was the only one crazy..... apparently, I might not be alone.... 8-O lol 8-X




(I especially like this woman's closing story... back to the theoretical framework...)



If I were one of the energy vampire, I would fall into the criticizing one, what would you be? Drama queen, sobbing sister, or else?

At the same time, I am still looking forward to a means to simply shield other people's energy off if there is anything true about it....

Guess this is why life kept on steering me away from the field of mental health if not health.... 8-O

Mirroring

Observations from the past few months...

I seem to be easily influenceable by the people I interact with....

It is as if I am rubbing off from their energy field and mirror their MO...



Unless it is simply a manifestation of Hysterical Personality Disorder...



The confusion of interpretations in an universe of theories.

How do you choose a theory and what's the utility of it?

The question... what could I do about it-- whichever theoretical framework?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Swinging in pain

An interesting observation about swinging in pain....

Pain migrates to all different areas from head to toe and could occur simultaneously.... in all different forms... throbbing... sharp... shooting... needle pinning.. etc...

How does modern science make out of it?

At the same time, speaking of my hysterical personality disorder.

Broken again

Just as I was thinking that things are getting better with my health...

Tried to help fixing a mistake today and to reshelf a few laptops...

My body struck back immediately.... and the pains and discomfort from head to toe resurrect..

It takes hours of physical exercises on a daily basis to maintain a semi-functionally disabled state of being...

To break it... takes only seconds... damn...

So I tried to get home... everything along with the cold... already back to... slow and stop.

The moral of the lesson... mind your own business and fix your own mistake... like it is going to take me a whole lot of swinging activities to get my body back... 15 minutes after my dinner...

If I can not stop making this mistake, I just have to live through the consequences and ain't nobody else could live the consequences for me.

You don't buy it? Come live in my body for a day and take the damages with you thereafter. (Now that should sort of scare you? lol)

Do I buy it? Doesn't matter since I live it everyday. 8-O lol sigh

Man... broken back mountain... when can I hike out of broken back mountain?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Hysterical personality disorder

I have pondered many a time whether one diagnosis I am missing is hysterical personality disorder... for...

My life is extremely boring but there always seems to be some drama going on that even I care not to entertain no more...

Head status...

Body status...

Immigration status...

Financial status...

And, all other unspecified status...

While, there ain't no nothing really in my life...

I go to work. When permitted, do some studying. I do exercise... more importantly, I eat, drink, pee pee, poo poo, sleep... blah blah blah...

It is like there ain't no nothing happening in my life but some hysterical part of my existence can not stop trying to come up with some strange scenarios independent of my contribution... 8-O lol

Then, I thought of this lady I once knew but haven't seen for eons...

Everytime I bumped into her on the street...

There was always traumatic kind of drama.... never-ending drama and it felt as if there was no way to politely end the conversation because of... drama... drama...

It always felt as if her drama was dragging me down along with her...

Finally, one day, your psychotic and neurotic me was in a session with my shrink at the time...

I told him that somehow that woman had some really unwanted impact on me... with her dramas...

My shrink looked at me and spit this sentence out of his mouth.

"Avoid her (for your own sake). She's got hysterical personality disorder."

Of course, at some point, yours hypochondriac asked the doctor...

"I always have something to complain and cope about. Looking at her, do I also have hysterical personality disorder?"

The wonderful doctor must have looked at me with due amusement and perhaps with a smile....

"You are psychotic." (Oops... sorry, symptoms, for a second, I almost forgot where you are... 8-O lol)

So..... in any case, I look up the current DSM criteria for my potential Hysterical Personality Disorder.... and ponder... How many of them fit my profile? 8-O 8-X

God bless me with ignorance....

A pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
  1. is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention
  2. interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior
  3. displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions
  4. consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self
  5. has a style of speech that is excessively impressionistic and lacking in detail
  6. shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion
  7. is suggestible, i.e., easily influenced by others or circumstances
  8. considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are.



At the same time, what is the purpose of diagnosis? To figure out what you could do about to help yourself and the others, I guess.

Monday, November 9, 2009

System update

While I have now turned my daily journaling inwards to my private blog, I continue to have the feeling that people still know what I write in my private dialogues.

Very positive...

A classic example of delusions and paranoia.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Second chance

One thing I have been pondering about is the concept of Second chance...

Many people significant to me were really dead in my life in the direst moments of my delusional state.

Their death were as real as any other death in sane people's world.

They were dead and miraculously they are now still alive.

Second chances are hard to come by especially in the reign of life and death.

I have been given a second chance and maybe this is the reason why I ain't wasting no opportunity to do things for them if I could...

Think about it and imagine this... what are you left with if you are the only one alive?

Ya... like what grandma said... live your life...

The utility of everyday thing... I guess...

I am crazy? No doubt... I am certified crazy... 8-O lol sigh

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

蝸牛與黃鸝鳥

Nice Taiwanese song.... 蝸牛與黃鸝鳥.... been singing it for a while... 8-O lol sigh



阿門阿門前一棵葡萄樹
阿嫩阿嫩綠地剛發芽
蝸牛背著那重重的殼呀
一步一步的往上爬         
蝸牛與黃鸝鳥
阿樹阿上兩隻黃鸝鳥
阿嘻嘻哈哈在笑它
葡萄成熟還早得很哪
現在上來幹什麼
阿黃阿黃鸝鳥不要笑
等我爬上它就成熟了

Sunday, November 1, 2009

New York City Marathon

Went to cheer with my friend for the New York City Marathon today....

OMG... they ran from Staten Island through Brooklyn, Queens, Manhattan, Bronx and back to Central Park West.... a good 26.2 mile distance... with local people and runners coming from all over the Globe...

Heroes... Heroes... a whole lot of heroes.... and speaking of Stamina.... I could barely walk 10 miles straight... and they completed the whole race in all different ways.... 8-O

When cheering and rooting for everyone on the road side close to the 23 mile benchmark, we saw across the street two girls carrying a sigh to cheer people up and to give them some encouragements to finish the race... "Think of Sex".... So the sigh said... Great motivator... perhaps... better than Mimosa... 8-O lol


Saturday, October 31, 2009

Iso-Area Offset Triangle Twist

Feeling I was very much set with Double Pleat Hexagon tessellation, I moved on to try out Iso-Area Offset Triangle Twist.

Took me two days to sort of figure out how to get the pattern unfolded... 8-O created something looking like the pattern in the picture below...

Good point someone mentioned to me... however confusing origami tessellations might be... it is pure math and logic.... and pure concentration...


Thursday, October 29, 2009

200 mg day

Today is 200 mg day and I decide to allow myself function and rest the meds to do their work...

So I thought... well...

What if the previous posting really get read or heard by the institution.... and irate the institution?

So what? Fire me? And, wouldn't it prove my point even though there ain't no point I want to prove? 8-O lol

Ain't like it is the old communist society in my imagination or back to monarchy...

So reminds me this Chinese saying... 跳出三界外.... 8-O lol

Speaking of the law abiding citizen or alien... more appropriately.... 8-O lol oops...

Deduct

So all the money I made through going back to work will be deducted from the compensation check because the school will be get reimbursed for the salaries they paid me for doing work.

So I think...

What kind of fucked up social justice is that?

You screwed me up my health and life all over and the college is taking a share of the compensation for my permanent injuries on both my shoulders and knees away as well? And this is a college that blah blah blah about social justice, equality and anything else alike along this theme? What about you also taking over all that I have been given including the damages and sufferings? 8-O lol

It is like your pimp led you to prostitute your body for pennies and now the pimp is taking a cut.... 8-O

No wonder I am really injured.... when you come back to say... it is as if I am screwed all over again and bringing them all old traumas back to the table... 8-O lol sigh

And, no wonder I have to believe in Karma... Ain't nobody gonna run into me how many times.... I will just let karma do the work.... for nice people do nice things karma knows... due diligence etc along that line or not... part of its law.... 8-O lol

zen moment zen moment ... 8-O lol sigh




Now I understand why people should not go back to work since they would really be doing work for free without an option.

For me? Work keeps me sane and sustain my health. It is necessary.

Regardless, the whole thing is pretty fucked up.

And, I guess I am authorised to complain... now the case is closed... by myself... only healthy... 8-O lol sigh

Don't know what I am complaining about? Live your life and God bless...

And, if I had ever thought the institution would give a damn about its workers, I was delusional provided I am certified delusional. What about you... children? Still siding with your institution and thinking, if it were you, it would have been different? Or else... do you have that well known fallacy that I had up to June 19th, 2007... ain't no nothing could happen to me.... ;-) 8-O lol sigh

Speaking of El Wood's bad hair day about Bruser's law.... watch out for your own hair.... 8-O

Time for origami....

It's worker's com

Love them little things that you get to learn in life...

Called up my lawyer because I am concerned that some old bills might not have been paid...

So said my lawyer... "I am happy we can get some money for you. If you have gotten injured like on the street, you might be able to get 5 times as much. But this is worker's com."

The words 5 times stands right out... and my immediate reaction was... 8-O ... ummm.. how did I react? 8-O lol

Ouch... who said money for nothing again? 8-O lol sigh

Some early lessons to be shared with you today.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

idiosyncrasy

Although I have no idea what exactly I do everyday swinging around and around, some said it is called 自發功 while God knows whether it is really what I did.

My dad even went and bought a book about it for me asking me to read about it and learn about it...

Regardless, my doctor in Taiwan told me to not learn or read anything about it because... each individual is different and the unfolding of the recovery process is idiosyncratic.

Oddly enough, I was able to to refrain from learning about it after I do my swinging thing for over a year and half...

This is why... one thing I am damn sure today is that... I have absolutely no idea what the heck I have been doing swinging around for hours all these times other than I just keep on doing it... 8-O lol

Swinging state: 150 mg

Spent the majority of the day doing origami because something told me so....

Should be doing reading...

Yet... origami... so be it...

So you spent the majority part of the day in origami... not knowing why.... something tells you it is for a reason... while you secretly ponder what if all but a waste...

So... origami... calms your nerve and trains you patience...

Then, I came to the observations reconfirming myself in an absolute swinging state...

In addition to swinging my nights off in front of the TV, my shifting selves also swing from left to right... leaving me confused who exactly am I.... awakening from prolonged symptoms and drug overdose....

That genuine bitch from hell... ya... my friend... you... I can identify with...

So are many other pieces of my old familiar selves and newly identified ones... welcome aboard...

Not to forget... that me in origami... that state of me... makes me feel calm and happy...

Yet... the swing... perhaps... the reclaiming of the self... the process in formation...

In this state, you have them pieces of mes in hand... except you don't know what to make of them....

The same kind of confusion you face when you first stared into that origami tessellation diagram wondering where the manual might be...

You think of all those sure souls walking in and out of the door... Pondering... what it be like exchanging this mass if not mess with their solid mes?

So... jealousy... you thought you asked whatever it is to not return jealousy back because jealousy makes you happy not... 8-O lol 8-X

Thought I knew what it meant... a lost soul in limbo...

Reminding of this vivid dream I had the other night...

I was a spirit, if not an energy ball, I flew around bumping into people and kept on bumping into people whichever direction I turn... like a novice driving on highway... lacking a sense of control...

I woke up.... what a dream... time for the toilet... 8-O lol

What it be like for me to wake up from another dream... a dream in never-ending swings and the recurrent returns to the basic?

Destroyed or destructed? Na...

More like... incurably confused...

At least, now I can choose what to do with my head... to aggravate it or not... because you see the sign over that 50 mg less.. I guess...

Some things to speak of on a nothing day about the process of recovery.... a strange learning process... in search for the homeostatic stage... balancing... or learning to balance...

Crazy

Great song...

Ya.. me crazy.... no doubt me crazy... 8-)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

La forsa

For me, one thought that kept on coming up to me all these years is that...

The data never stops... When would I have a chance to go work on some sort of a write-up.... if never ending is the data generation process.... 8-O lol

These past 2 and half years, especially, it is as if la forza had come struck me like a truck with full force... with la forza itself... pushing through me even more documentations...

Recently, this feeling keeps on coming up...

Wow... almost closing time... what a relief...

Then, yesterday, when I went to court for my case, for the majority of the time, I either sat there doing my origami tessellation or sat there listening to other people talk. I sort of felt sorry for bring that air of confusion of mine along and made the case more confusing for them all.

This morning, this friend of saw me coming from the wrong direction....

"You didn't sleep at home last night? That is the direction from work that you came from!"

So I replied, "I just came back from seeing my doctor."

"Your back doctor?"

"No. My head doctor."

And, I continued my reply with something like...

"Sometimes it is nice to let the others do your job."

Especially when I can't do it all.... and, take the court case for example, I wouldn't be able to sit there like a good girl folding my origami if I were to handle the case myself... and I would have really driven myself up the wall.... Somebody else could... not me... 8-O lol sigh

Personally, I have successfully flooded myself with analysis and reflections... and I am done analysing... The conclusion... a sea of theories... multiple universes of interpretations... and so said Maxine Greene... "The confusion of interpretations."

Now I have learned my own lessons although I am not quite sure what. I guess I get what I need and, perhaps, what la forza has pushed me so far for... God knows...

The rest of the words in public... will stay in public... wishing someone could somehow someday finding a way to recycle it....

I have been given a second chance to live... with the case closed... so closed a chapter and opening a new one... for me...

In this life, the focus is to live... and, at this point, trying to figure out how to piece the reclaimed selves together when they get dropped once in a while like loot items...

I will not stop learning... and I don't get a sense that la forza wants me to stop learning anyways... 8-O lol

And, perhaps and chances are, in my spare time, I might do some leisure work trying to put something together based on what I have learned so far... as well as the process itself.... sort of like... using peripheral visions...

Ain't saying... at the same time, that... I am not gonna continue to produce some droplets at times... 8-O lol

By the way, many a life time ago and when I was doing eportfolio kind of stuff... I tried to test and see whether there is any educational implications in eportfolio if not blogging...

My gut feeling today tells me that... there seem to be some truth in it. God knows. lol

And... of course... whatever... my ever changing thoughts... 8-O lol

Perhaps, one day, I am gonna walk up to them professionals and say... "Yo. So I have got. What else do you wanna know?" Unless someone someday might ask?

MRI

So I told this friend of mine about how my body went into a total breakdown after the MRI scan on my right knee...

"That happened to me to except for they don't want to admit it."

Better yet... or else why do they hide behind the shield? 8-O lol

So I thought.... 8-O....

Thought I was only me... 8-O lol

Of course, all that I am saying is my strange experiences with MRI... ain't like I am saying anything about anything else... All in all, am I not back to walking again?

Pain

Chit-chatted with this friend yesterday...

"How's your knee?" So I asked...

Apparently, he's feeling OK... however, sometimes there is bad pain...

"And you ignore it." So he said...

It reminded me of the time when this doctor asked me how bad my pain was during the visit...

I responded, "You ignore it."

I guess... eventually, if you could, you learn to ignore it and you live with it.

Monday, October 26, 2009

That feeling

During my walk, I kept on yawning and kept walking on...

Each time I yawned, it felt as if I became a little bit more awake...

Yawning till I started tearing...

Almost towards the end of the walk when I was on my way back to class, I have this sensation that sometime came down through my body.... I felt pain... and.. my body started shaking like what happens always....

For instance, the hands were shaking so bad that I was having problems logging in to a computer to make some printout...

It continued to shake so bad that it continued to shake even after I arrived at the class.

Eventually, it stopped and I was able to take notes again.

Reaction

So they say... one thing at a time...

So I lived through the trial and I was waiting for the bus...

How should I react?

My experiences so far seem to hint that it is not so healthy either looking only at the bright side because not so bright is not so bright...

So they say... taking perspectives...

So I thought... I need to allow the anger out concerning my reaction towards the whole 9 yards...

For others, the ruling might simply mean money...

For me, personally, the settlement is about the whole 9 yards I have lived so far and I have to live with through out my life.

So I thought of this comment made by my last shrink... "You are authorised to feel angry."

So I mourn and I complained... at work, off work... into my walk... allowing my thoughts to swing whichever way it would like to go...

And, of course, I let my body to whatever it would like to do while letting my head going through its own motion...

At some point, the venting blah blah blah.... apparently stopped... and I went back to dwell in venting no more...

So I kept on walking and let the body do its own thing...

All curious... "That's it? Ain't so bad."

Is it the end of it or not?

Is it the right way to do it or not?

God knows...

Meat market: Case closed

Today is the court day...

As I have expected, they took the average of the IME reports from my side of doctor and the worker's com insurance doctors... concerning how much permanent damages are on my shoulders and knees.

Speaking of regression to the mean...

Based on the average percentage, they determined how much I would get compensated for each shoulder and each knee.

For your information, you do not get compensated for your back and neither do you get compensated for pain and suffer and etc... However, even after your case is settled, you are still entitled to continuing treatment for the injuries.

So they came up with a lump sum and they realised that they have to deduct this and deduct that and might have to deduct this and other that... in addition to the percentage of lawyer fee.

When all the numbers were presented to me...

I thought of the stock market... 8-O lol sigh

In any case, I waited there when it was my time to wait. While waiting, I did my origami like a good girl because, during the meds adjustment time, I can not get myself too excited for things like this... otherwise... I get into troubles.

Origami, and, especially, origami tessellation is very nice and it calms your nerve... possibly it requires 100 percent concentration.

Although I did not have a diagram, I unfolded one that was already done and used it as the blueprint to fold a new one.

At the very end, I found myself in front of a nice lady judge, my lawyer, and the insurance lawyer. They decided on some amount that I should get compensated for, that my medical bills should be paid for, and that there would be life time coverage for the medical expenses on the broken parts of my body. And, I accepted the settlement by saying a lot of "yes"s.

Afterwards, I got out of the building and I continued to try to keep my head not too excited while staring at Hotel Theresa.... where all things sort of started...

Waiting for the bus, I thought to myself... "How have I fared so fair?"

I did sense a few instances of fleeing positive symptoms... However, not too bad.

So I thought... I think I have done pretty well so far.

At the same time, it does feel good to be settled... 8-O lol sigh...

The next thought... how am I going to react to the settlement concerning my life since June 19, 2007?

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Inherit the Wind

Thinking too much is no good to my health and makes me feel things are.... 8-X

Stop thinking from now on.

Nice clip to be shared from Inherit the wind...

Self

The scary reemergence or reclaiming of my long lost selves...

Remember how this ex of mine actually wish me going back on higher dose of depakote... when I was trying so hard to get off it because Depakote is known to cause birth defect?!

Something gotta change... but I could only recalibrate one day and one thing at a time.

It is going to be like babies learning to walk... might inevitably stepping on someone's toe at times... Sorry in advance because simply the process of learning to walk... especially when I am absolutely confused what exactly it is that I am supposed to learn and how.... a recurrent theme, I guess... 8-X

Sort of like... the structure... 8-O lol oops...

Confrontations

I hate confrontations but certain people do drive me up the wall.

I have come up with this hypothesis recently that, chances are, when I am coming out strong, I am simply mirror the energy I sense from the others...

So say the Chinese... when the partner is strong, you become stronger... when the partner is weak, you get weaker...

In other words, if you are bitchy, I become bitchier... 8-O oops...

For instance, Friday afternoon, this woman came in at work... complaining the hell at me about how inconvineint the new procedure that has been decided by the top administration is... So, the way I felt then was as if she was blaming who is at the bottum of the bottum for the decision made by the top of the top.

Yo. You barking at the wrong tree because it also makes it inconvenient for all of us following the policy, too.

I kept on trying to refer her to my boss and she kept on insisting on doing it to me.

Finally, she made a comment... "Do you understand what I am saying?"

This comment is interpreted as the following...

"Do you understand what is coming out of my mouth in English?" (OMG... psychological damages done... Harassment and discrimination law suit in formation.... 8-O lol)

So I responded...

"I understand what you are saying and I speak English."

I don't know how other ESL would interpret it.

That was my interpretation.

And, I wonder whether she would be asking the same question if she ain't talking to some Asian chick with Taiwanese accent.

Bitch

On my way home from my walk, I stopped by a shop to get myself a bottle of juice...

I walked to the end of the line and waited with my head somewhere else...

The line might have shifted though I didn't move since they didn't move too far anyways...

Then, I sensed this woman on the phone walked passed behind me...

I paid her no mind... sometimes... people would go and pick up stuffs on the other side.

At some point, I looked to the right and found that woman went to the right and started forming her own line... standing parallel to me...

I paid her no mind... maybe she just wants stand close.

The line moved a bit...

I moved closer to the woman in front of me..

Now that woman speak in rude tone and moved right before me..

"Excuse me. I am in front of you."

I spoke back at her...

"I was here before you and I am right behind this lady."

People looked back... some not sure what was going on and something made me feel they believe in that woman more over me.... and isn't it amazing how easy it is for us to take side while we have no idea what the hell is happening in life...

I know that woman was lying unless she did not even know that she was lying...

I know that I came before her although... God knows... I might be wrong...

At the same time, it ain't like I was rushing anywhere...

If only she could have not come across as a bitch and speak to me nicely, I would have let her go before me anyway....

However, if she has to confront me with a huge ball of negative energy, don't blame me for mirroring it back since there ain't nothing better I could do in life nowadays other than mirroring.... possibly just a phase I am going through with God knows what... 8-O lol 8-X

Chances are.. for her... I am the bitch... and bitch let it be...

And... did I use the word bitch? 8-O lol

Yes, I used the word bitch...

Then, it occurred to me... OMG... isn't it such a relief to be able to simply calling someone a bitch when I think they are bitches?

Oh... no... I couldn't before.... because of the delusions, medications, and some obscene pursuit to be understanding, taking perspective and be not judgmental....

But, today, I finally have grown back to feel freely calling someone a bitch... though only in my mind....

Perhaps, it is the meds since the meds have gone down...

In any case, I am overjoyed with the reclaiming of a part of my selves that I didn't even know I have lost....

And, so I thought... wonder what that bitch might have gotten out of it....

And, thank you for being a bitch so that I could call you a bitch.

OK... Now stop bitching. 8-O lol 8-X

In addition, now I am aware that this part of me is back... gotta learn to be not confrontational... a skill to be learned...


Vision

This ex of mine told me that he has "visions" of the future.... and he said that our future together would have a lot of suffering or stuffs like that...

I didn't quite understand what he was talking about then and thought, anyways, he is crazy while I am certifiably abnormal...

After these past two years, I am starting to think that that guy might really have what he calls as vision because he successfully escaped being involved in my life this past 2-3 years... sort of like escaped from being hit by the tail of a typhoon... (Taiwanese expression) 8-O lol

Maybe it is true that he does have visions of the future except for... boo boo... hurt hurt... come on... it ain't that bad! 8-O lol

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Drama: period

Spoke with my sis in Santa Fe...

Among all things we talked about, I mentioned to her...

"It is very strange that I have no health and no extra money but I walk around everyday feeling happy because people love me. Sometimes I think people just need to create drama to make them feeling alive."

My sister responded... "Like the unbearable lightness in life..." 8-O lol

Speaking of drama, could have created a drama for myself when I had an accident at my hanging out time with the girls... oops....

In short, this expensive new product doesn't work too well on heavy days--- I guess this is especially true when you have fibrosis in your uterus because people with fibrosis in uterus tend to have "higher volume" when comparing those without.

It is because once it reaches a limit, it stops absorbing and you might as well put on a layer of plastic.... (ya, ain't like we women do not spend about 1/4 or 1/5 of our life time between puberty and menopause dealing with the period and don't guys come out from the womb as well?) 8-O lol

Anyways, so I stared at the mirror not quite sure what to do since it looks sort of embarrassing on a day I decided to wear black pants not...

Then, I thought... to hell...

It ain't like I haven't walked around with toilet paper trailing off my behind.... 8-O lol

In addition, I must have been through even more embarrassing moments in my life anyways...

People know me know me...

People don't know me me them don't know...

So I walked back... self-conscious... needing to let it out...

Then I told my friend... "Oops... I just had an accident... It leaked on the side..."

So she responded bewildered... "Mine on the bottom."

Then, I pondered...

Why is that 1/4 to 1/5 part of our life so very unspeakable and where does it come from?

Since I am talking about the period here... somethings I have learned from the doctors these past two years concerning my body to share with you...
  1. There is something strange about the product Always Infinity and I wouldn't go back to it again. Me at least...
  2. You back pain etc might tend to get worsen during the time of the period
  3. The older you get, they say that the duration might get shorter and so the cycle
  4. People with fibrosis in their uterus tend to have higher volume so please check with your doctor about it. So they say... most of the times... these are normal and benign.

Intrique

Junior has been intrigued by the diagnoses of mental health problems and invoked my verbal diarrhea yesterday afternoon when I was able to be like a good girl not talking all that much at all for the majority of the day... 8-O lol

The key point I tried to converse...

Diagnosis are only as useful as its implications for the treatment provided for the labelee.

For non-patients... such as professionals and trainees...

It provides a structured language to convey and exchange information if not knowledge. Sort of like, you set the width of the rail to be all the same so that the train could run from one place to the other places.



Psychogenic

This topic came up in the discussion last night...

Psychogenic...

What is psychogenic?

When they could not identify the physiological basis of your conditions, they call it psychogenic because, when the phenomena can't be explained away by the science as we know today, it's gotta be all in your head.

Simple as that.

At the same time, when your physician suggest you to go see a shrink.... try to view it this way....

"Oops... conventional medicine dealing with the body has hit a block.... now they need to do outsourcing...."

Sort of like... when my symptoms went up last fall, I said to myself...

"Oops... conventional coping mechanism is reaching its limits... now I need to outsource more medications...." 8-O lol sigh

Then, you might ponder... medicine is medicine... isn't it? (Whether you believe it or not and, perhaps, at some point, you might really come close to believing in it.)

Who's running after you?

I love the last part of this clip.... when Julia Roberts was running after a man who she loves while him running after the woman he was going to be married to....

No truer words.... "Who is running after you?"

Been there... done that... not recommending it... unless you simply have to live through it yourself and go through it so many times until you finally learn to say no... no more... 8-O lol sign

Of course, easier said then done...

If I have known what I learn today, I might not have done what I had done in my yester-years except for I would not have learned what I have learned today without them yester-years... grandpa's paradox I guess....

Even if the man finally turns to you, which had never happened before, God knows whether he is going to turn into dark fiber on you.... just wondering....

Friday, October 23, 2009

Delusion

I have this delusion that people could hear my thought and know how I feel...

This is the most classic symptom that you can find in the textbook....

So I thought earlier this morning...

If anyone could really get into my head and know my unspoken thoughts, it's gotta be touch for them and I would have to give my most sincere apology since the thoughts are ever-changing...

Guess this is why.... I am trying to learn to not even care about them thoughts since... what is the point of taking them so serious if they seem to have the incurable propensity to change?

Similar to all the signs you find everywhere on the planet... when taking them too seriously, it would take you on a constant roller coaster ride until your symptoms finally drive you crazy because you are constantly in the emotional up and down states....

It is easier to say then done.... simply something I am trying out... don't know how well it would work and how exactly to do it....

The problem.... I am so busy learning to tune all signs off... sort of like how meds work... all signs are treated equal and, unless clarified, they all are treated as non-existing....

Maybe one day I will learn to differentiate between real signs and imaginary signs (8-O lol)... For now, I am working on paying signs no mind thought it ain't nothing easy either....

Coping mechanism... I guess... you just gotta keep on trying....