Saturday, October 31, 2009

Iso-Area Offset Triangle Twist

Feeling I was very much set with Double Pleat Hexagon tessellation, I moved on to try out Iso-Area Offset Triangle Twist.

Took me two days to sort of figure out how to get the pattern unfolded... 8-O created something looking like the pattern in the picture below...

Good point someone mentioned to me... however confusing origami tessellations might be... it is pure math and logic.... and pure concentration...


Thursday, October 29, 2009

200 mg day

Today is 200 mg day and I decide to allow myself function and rest the meds to do their work...

So I thought... well...

What if the previous posting really get read or heard by the institution.... and irate the institution?

So what? Fire me? And, wouldn't it prove my point even though there ain't no point I want to prove? 8-O lol

Ain't like it is the old communist society in my imagination or back to monarchy...

So reminds me this Chinese saying... 跳出三界外.... 8-O lol

Speaking of the law abiding citizen or alien... more appropriately.... 8-O lol oops...

Deduct

So all the money I made through going back to work will be deducted from the compensation check because the school will be get reimbursed for the salaries they paid me for doing work.

So I think...

What kind of fucked up social justice is that?

You screwed me up my health and life all over and the college is taking a share of the compensation for my permanent injuries on both my shoulders and knees away as well? And this is a college that blah blah blah about social justice, equality and anything else alike along this theme? What about you also taking over all that I have been given including the damages and sufferings? 8-O lol

It is like your pimp led you to prostitute your body for pennies and now the pimp is taking a cut.... 8-O

No wonder I am really injured.... when you come back to say... it is as if I am screwed all over again and bringing them all old traumas back to the table... 8-O lol sigh

And, no wonder I have to believe in Karma... Ain't nobody gonna run into me how many times.... I will just let karma do the work.... for nice people do nice things karma knows... due diligence etc along that line or not... part of its law.... 8-O lol

zen moment zen moment ... 8-O lol sigh




Now I understand why people should not go back to work since they would really be doing work for free without an option.

For me? Work keeps me sane and sustain my health. It is necessary.

Regardless, the whole thing is pretty fucked up.

And, I guess I am authorised to complain... now the case is closed... by myself... only healthy... 8-O lol sigh

Don't know what I am complaining about? Live your life and God bless...

And, if I had ever thought the institution would give a damn about its workers, I was delusional provided I am certified delusional. What about you... children? Still siding with your institution and thinking, if it were you, it would have been different? Or else... do you have that well known fallacy that I had up to June 19th, 2007... ain't no nothing could happen to me.... ;-) 8-O lol sigh

Speaking of El Wood's bad hair day about Bruser's law.... watch out for your own hair.... 8-O

Time for origami....

It's worker's com

Love them little things that you get to learn in life...

Called up my lawyer because I am concerned that some old bills might not have been paid...

So said my lawyer... "I am happy we can get some money for you. If you have gotten injured like on the street, you might be able to get 5 times as much. But this is worker's com."

The words 5 times stands right out... and my immediate reaction was... 8-O ... ummm.. how did I react? 8-O lol

Ouch... who said money for nothing again? 8-O lol sigh

Some early lessons to be shared with you today.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

idiosyncrasy

Although I have no idea what exactly I do everyday swinging around and around, some said it is called 自發功 while God knows whether it is really what I did.

My dad even went and bought a book about it for me asking me to read about it and learn about it...

Regardless, my doctor in Taiwan told me to not learn or read anything about it because... each individual is different and the unfolding of the recovery process is idiosyncratic.

Oddly enough, I was able to to refrain from learning about it after I do my swinging thing for over a year and half...

This is why... one thing I am damn sure today is that... I have absolutely no idea what the heck I have been doing swinging around for hours all these times other than I just keep on doing it... 8-O lol

Swinging state: 150 mg

Spent the majority of the day doing origami because something told me so....

Should be doing reading...

Yet... origami... so be it...

So you spent the majority part of the day in origami... not knowing why.... something tells you it is for a reason... while you secretly ponder what if all but a waste...

So... origami... calms your nerve and trains you patience...

Then, I came to the observations reconfirming myself in an absolute swinging state...

In addition to swinging my nights off in front of the TV, my shifting selves also swing from left to right... leaving me confused who exactly am I.... awakening from prolonged symptoms and drug overdose....

That genuine bitch from hell... ya... my friend... you... I can identify with...

So are many other pieces of my old familiar selves and newly identified ones... welcome aboard...

Not to forget... that me in origami... that state of me... makes me feel calm and happy...

Yet... the swing... perhaps... the reclaiming of the self... the process in formation...

In this state, you have them pieces of mes in hand... except you don't know what to make of them....

The same kind of confusion you face when you first stared into that origami tessellation diagram wondering where the manual might be...

You think of all those sure souls walking in and out of the door... Pondering... what it be like exchanging this mass if not mess with their solid mes?

So... jealousy... you thought you asked whatever it is to not return jealousy back because jealousy makes you happy not... 8-O lol 8-X

Thought I knew what it meant... a lost soul in limbo...

Reminding of this vivid dream I had the other night...

I was a spirit, if not an energy ball, I flew around bumping into people and kept on bumping into people whichever direction I turn... like a novice driving on highway... lacking a sense of control...

I woke up.... what a dream... time for the toilet... 8-O lol

What it be like for me to wake up from another dream... a dream in never-ending swings and the recurrent returns to the basic?

Destroyed or destructed? Na...

More like... incurably confused...

At least, now I can choose what to do with my head... to aggravate it or not... because you see the sign over that 50 mg less.. I guess...

Some things to speak of on a nothing day about the process of recovery.... a strange learning process... in search for the homeostatic stage... balancing... or learning to balance...

Crazy

Great song...

Ya.. me crazy.... no doubt me crazy... 8-)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

La forsa

For me, one thought that kept on coming up to me all these years is that...

The data never stops... When would I have a chance to go work on some sort of a write-up.... if never ending is the data generation process.... 8-O lol

These past 2 and half years, especially, it is as if la forza had come struck me like a truck with full force... with la forza itself... pushing through me even more documentations...

Recently, this feeling keeps on coming up...

Wow... almost closing time... what a relief...

Then, yesterday, when I went to court for my case, for the majority of the time, I either sat there doing my origami tessellation or sat there listening to other people talk. I sort of felt sorry for bring that air of confusion of mine along and made the case more confusing for them all.

This morning, this friend of saw me coming from the wrong direction....

"You didn't sleep at home last night? That is the direction from work that you came from!"

So I replied, "I just came back from seeing my doctor."

"Your back doctor?"

"No. My head doctor."

And, I continued my reply with something like...

"Sometimes it is nice to let the others do your job."

Especially when I can't do it all.... and, take the court case for example, I wouldn't be able to sit there like a good girl folding my origami if I were to handle the case myself... and I would have really driven myself up the wall.... Somebody else could... not me... 8-O lol sigh

Personally, I have successfully flooded myself with analysis and reflections... and I am done analysing... The conclusion... a sea of theories... multiple universes of interpretations... and so said Maxine Greene... "The confusion of interpretations."

Now I have learned my own lessons although I am not quite sure what. I guess I get what I need and, perhaps, what la forza has pushed me so far for... God knows...

The rest of the words in public... will stay in public... wishing someone could somehow someday finding a way to recycle it....

I have been given a second chance to live... with the case closed... so closed a chapter and opening a new one... for me...

In this life, the focus is to live... and, at this point, trying to figure out how to piece the reclaimed selves together when they get dropped once in a while like loot items...

I will not stop learning... and I don't get a sense that la forza wants me to stop learning anyways... 8-O lol

And, perhaps and chances are, in my spare time, I might do some leisure work trying to put something together based on what I have learned so far... as well as the process itself.... sort of like... using peripheral visions...

Ain't saying... at the same time, that... I am not gonna continue to produce some droplets at times... 8-O lol

By the way, many a life time ago and when I was doing eportfolio kind of stuff... I tried to test and see whether there is any educational implications in eportfolio if not blogging...

My gut feeling today tells me that... there seem to be some truth in it. God knows. lol

And... of course... whatever... my ever changing thoughts... 8-O lol

Perhaps, one day, I am gonna walk up to them professionals and say... "Yo. So I have got. What else do you wanna know?" Unless someone someday might ask?

MRI

So I told this friend of mine about how my body went into a total breakdown after the MRI scan on my right knee...

"That happened to me to except for they don't want to admit it."

Better yet... or else why do they hide behind the shield? 8-O lol

So I thought.... 8-O....

Thought I was only me... 8-O lol

Of course, all that I am saying is my strange experiences with MRI... ain't like I am saying anything about anything else... All in all, am I not back to walking again?

Pain

Chit-chatted with this friend yesterday...

"How's your knee?" So I asked...

Apparently, he's feeling OK... however, sometimes there is bad pain...

"And you ignore it." So he said...

It reminded me of the time when this doctor asked me how bad my pain was during the visit...

I responded, "You ignore it."

I guess... eventually, if you could, you learn to ignore it and you live with it.

Monday, October 26, 2009

That feeling

During my walk, I kept on yawning and kept walking on...

Each time I yawned, it felt as if I became a little bit more awake...

Yawning till I started tearing...

Almost towards the end of the walk when I was on my way back to class, I have this sensation that sometime came down through my body.... I felt pain... and.. my body started shaking like what happens always....

For instance, the hands were shaking so bad that I was having problems logging in to a computer to make some printout...

It continued to shake so bad that it continued to shake even after I arrived at the class.

Eventually, it stopped and I was able to take notes again.

Reaction

So they say... one thing at a time...

So I lived through the trial and I was waiting for the bus...

How should I react?

My experiences so far seem to hint that it is not so healthy either looking only at the bright side because not so bright is not so bright...

So they say... taking perspectives...

So I thought... I need to allow the anger out concerning my reaction towards the whole 9 yards...

For others, the ruling might simply mean money...

For me, personally, the settlement is about the whole 9 yards I have lived so far and I have to live with through out my life.

So I thought of this comment made by my last shrink... "You are authorised to feel angry."

So I mourn and I complained... at work, off work... into my walk... allowing my thoughts to swing whichever way it would like to go...

And, of course, I let my body to whatever it would like to do while letting my head going through its own motion...

At some point, the venting blah blah blah.... apparently stopped... and I went back to dwell in venting no more...

So I kept on walking and let the body do its own thing...

All curious... "That's it? Ain't so bad."

Is it the end of it or not?

Is it the right way to do it or not?

God knows...

Meat market: Case closed

Today is the court day...

As I have expected, they took the average of the IME reports from my side of doctor and the worker's com insurance doctors... concerning how much permanent damages are on my shoulders and knees.

Speaking of regression to the mean...

Based on the average percentage, they determined how much I would get compensated for each shoulder and each knee.

For your information, you do not get compensated for your back and neither do you get compensated for pain and suffer and etc... However, even after your case is settled, you are still entitled to continuing treatment for the injuries.

So they came up with a lump sum and they realised that they have to deduct this and deduct that and might have to deduct this and other that... in addition to the percentage of lawyer fee.

When all the numbers were presented to me...

I thought of the stock market... 8-O lol sigh

In any case, I waited there when it was my time to wait. While waiting, I did my origami like a good girl because, during the meds adjustment time, I can not get myself too excited for things like this... otherwise... I get into troubles.

Origami, and, especially, origami tessellation is very nice and it calms your nerve... possibly it requires 100 percent concentration.

Although I did not have a diagram, I unfolded one that was already done and used it as the blueprint to fold a new one.

At the very end, I found myself in front of a nice lady judge, my lawyer, and the insurance lawyer. They decided on some amount that I should get compensated for, that my medical bills should be paid for, and that there would be life time coverage for the medical expenses on the broken parts of my body. And, I accepted the settlement by saying a lot of "yes"s.

Afterwards, I got out of the building and I continued to try to keep my head not too excited while staring at Hotel Theresa.... where all things sort of started...

Waiting for the bus, I thought to myself... "How have I fared so fair?"

I did sense a few instances of fleeing positive symptoms... However, not too bad.

So I thought... I think I have done pretty well so far.

At the same time, it does feel good to be settled... 8-O lol sigh...

The next thought... how am I going to react to the settlement concerning my life since June 19, 2007?

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Inherit the Wind

Thinking too much is no good to my health and makes me feel things are.... 8-X

Stop thinking from now on.

Nice clip to be shared from Inherit the wind...

Self

The scary reemergence or reclaiming of my long lost selves...

Remember how this ex of mine actually wish me going back on higher dose of depakote... when I was trying so hard to get off it because Depakote is known to cause birth defect?!

Something gotta change... but I could only recalibrate one day and one thing at a time.

It is going to be like babies learning to walk... might inevitably stepping on someone's toe at times... Sorry in advance because simply the process of learning to walk... especially when I am absolutely confused what exactly it is that I am supposed to learn and how.... a recurrent theme, I guess... 8-X

Sort of like... the structure... 8-O lol oops...

Confrontations

I hate confrontations but certain people do drive me up the wall.

I have come up with this hypothesis recently that, chances are, when I am coming out strong, I am simply mirror the energy I sense from the others...

So say the Chinese... when the partner is strong, you become stronger... when the partner is weak, you get weaker...

In other words, if you are bitchy, I become bitchier... 8-O oops...

For instance, Friday afternoon, this woman came in at work... complaining the hell at me about how inconvineint the new procedure that has been decided by the top administration is... So, the way I felt then was as if she was blaming who is at the bottum of the bottum for the decision made by the top of the top.

Yo. You barking at the wrong tree because it also makes it inconvenient for all of us following the policy, too.

I kept on trying to refer her to my boss and she kept on insisting on doing it to me.

Finally, she made a comment... "Do you understand what I am saying?"

This comment is interpreted as the following...

"Do you understand what is coming out of my mouth in English?" (OMG... psychological damages done... Harassment and discrimination law suit in formation.... 8-O lol)

So I responded...

"I understand what you are saying and I speak English."

I don't know how other ESL would interpret it.

That was my interpretation.

And, I wonder whether she would be asking the same question if she ain't talking to some Asian chick with Taiwanese accent.

Bitch

On my way home from my walk, I stopped by a shop to get myself a bottle of juice...

I walked to the end of the line and waited with my head somewhere else...

The line might have shifted though I didn't move since they didn't move too far anyways...

Then, I sensed this woman on the phone walked passed behind me...

I paid her no mind... sometimes... people would go and pick up stuffs on the other side.

At some point, I looked to the right and found that woman went to the right and started forming her own line... standing parallel to me...

I paid her no mind... maybe she just wants stand close.

The line moved a bit...

I moved closer to the woman in front of me..

Now that woman speak in rude tone and moved right before me..

"Excuse me. I am in front of you."

I spoke back at her...

"I was here before you and I am right behind this lady."

People looked back... some not sure what was going on and something made me feel they believe in that woman more over me.... and isn't it amazing how easy it is for us to take side while we have no idea what the hell is happening in life...

I know that woman was lying unless she did not even know that she was lying...

I know that I came before her although... God knows... I might be wrong...

At the same time, it ain't like I was rushing anywhere...

If only she could have not come across as a bitch and speak to me nicely, I would have let her go before me anyway....

However, if she has to confront me with a huge ball of negative energy, don't blame me for mirroring it back since there ain't nothing better I could do in life nowadays other than mirroring.... possibly just a phase I am going through with God knows what... 8-O lol 8-X

Chances are.. for her... I am the bitch... and bitch let it be...

And... did I use the word bitch? 8-O lol

Yes, I used the word bitch...

Then, it occurred to me... OMG... isn't it such a relief to be able to simply calling someone a bitch when I think they are bitches?

Oh... no... I couldn't before.... because of the delusions, medications, and some obscene pursuit to be understanding, taking perspective and be not judgmental....

But, today, I finally have grown back to feel freely calling someone a bitch... though only in my mind....

Perhaps, it is the meds since the meds have gone down...

In any case, I am overjoyed with the reclaiming of a part of my selves that I didn't even know I have lost....

And, so I thought... wonder what that bitch might have gotten out of it....

And, thank you for being a bitch so that I could call you a bitch.

OK... Now stop bitching. 8-O lol 8-X

In addition, now I am aware that this part of me is back... gotta learn to be not confrontational... a skill to be learned...


Vision

This ex of mine told me that he has "visions" of the future.... and he said that our future together would have a lot of suffering or stuffs like that...

I didn't quite understand what he was talking about then and thought, anyways, he is crazy while I am certifiably abnormal...

After these past two years, I am starting to think that that guy might really have what he calls as vision because he successfully escaped being involved in my life this past 2-3 years... sort of like escaped from being hit by the tail of a typhoon... (Taiwanese expression) 8-O lol

Maybe it is true that he does have visions of the future except for... boo boo... hurt hurt... come on... it ain't that bad! 8-O lol

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Drama: period

Spoke with my sis in Santa Fe...

Among all things we talked about, I mentioned to her...

"It is very strange that I have no health and no extra money but I walk around everyday feeling happy because people love me. Sometimes I think people just need to create drama to make them feeling alive."

My sister responded... "Like the unbearable lightness in life..." 8-O lol

Speaking of drama, could have created a drama for myself when I had an accident at my hanging out time with the girls... oops....

In short, this expensive new product doesn't work too well on heavy days--- I guess this is especially true when you have fibrosis in your uterus because people with fibrosis in uterus tend to have "higher volume" when comparing those without.

It is because once it reaches a limit, it stops absorbing and you might as well put on a layer of plastic.... (ya, ain't like we women do not spend about 1/4 or 1/5 of our life time between puberty and menopause dealing with the period and don't guys come out from the womb as well?) 8-O lol

Anyways, so I stared at the mirror not quite sure what to do since it looks sort of embarrassing on a day I decided to wear black pants not...

Then, I thought... to hell...

It ain't like I haven't walked around with toilet paper trailing off my behind.... 8-O lol

In addition, I must have been through even more embarrassing moments in my life anyways...

People know me know me...

People don't know me me them don't know...

So I walked back... self-conscious... needing to let it out...

Then I told my friend... "Oops... I just had an accident... It leaked on the side..."

So she responded bewildered... "Mine on the bottom."

Then, I pondered...

Why is that 1/4 to 1/5 part of our life so very unspeakable and where does it come from?

Since I am talking about the period here... somethings I have learned from the doctors these past two years concerning my body to share with you...
  1. There is something strange about the product Always Infinity and I wouldn't go back to it again. Me at least...
  2. You back pain etc might tend to get worsen during the time of the period
  3. The older you get, they say that the duration might get shorter and so the cycle
  4. People with fibrosis in their uterus tend to have higher volume so please check with your doctor about it. So they say... most of the times... these are normal and benign.

Intrique

Junior has been intrigued by the diagnoses of mental health problems and invoked my verbal diarrhea yesterday afternoon when I was able to be like a good girl not talking all that much at all for the majority of the day... 8-O lol

The key point I tried to converse...

Diagnosis are only as useful as its implications for the treatment provided for the labelee.

For non-patients... such as professionals and trainees...

It provides a structured language to convey and exchange information if not knowledge. Sort of like, you set the width of the rail to be all the same so that the train could run from one place to the other places.



Psychogenic

This topic came up in the discussion last night...

Psychogenic...

What is psychogenic?

When they could not identify the physiological basis of your conditions, they call it psychogenic because, when the phenomena can't be explained away by the science as we know today, it's gotta be all in your head.

Simple as that.

At the same time, when your physician suggest you to go see a shrink.... try to view it this way....

"Oops... conventional medicine dealing with the body has hit a block.... now they need to do outsourcing...."

Sort of like... when my symptoms went up last fall, I said to myself...

"Oops... conventional coping mechanism is reaching its limits... now I need to outsource more medications...." 8-O lol sigh

Then, you might ponder... medicine is medicine... isn't it? (Whether you believe it or not and, perhaps, at some point, you might really come close to believing in it.)

Who's running after you?

I love the last part of this clip.... when Julia Roberts was running after a man who she loves while him running after the woman he was going to be married to....

No truer words.... "Who is running after you?"

Been there... done that... not recommending it... unless you simply have to live through it yourself and go through it so many times until you finally learn to say no... no more... 8-O lol sign

Of course, easier said then done...

If I have known what I learn today, I might not have done what I had done in my yester-years except for I would not have learned what I have learned today without them yester-years... grandpa's paradox I guess....

Even if the man finally turns to you, which had never happened before, God knows whether he is going to turn into dark fiber on you.... just wondering....

Friday, October 23, 2009

Delusion

I have this delusion that people could hear my thought and know how I feel...

This is the most classic symptom that you can find in the textbook....

So I thought earlier this morning...

If anyone could really get into my head and know my unspoken thoughts, it's gotta be touch for them and I would have to give my most sincere apology since the thoughts are ever-changing...

Guess this is why.... I am trying to learn to not even care about them thoughts since... what is the point of taking them so serious if they seem to have the incurable propensity to change?

Similar to all the signs you find everywhere on the planet... when taking them too seriously, it would take you on a constant roller coaster ride until your symptoms finally drive you crazy because you are constantly in the emotional up and down states....

It is easier to say then done.... simply something I am trying out... don't know how well it would work and how exactly to do it....

The problem.... I am so busy learning to tune all signs off... sort of like how meds work... all signs are treated equal and, unless clarified, they all are treated as non-existing....

Maybe one day I will learn to differentiate between real signs and imaginary signs (8-O lol)... For now, I am working on paying signs no mind thought it ain't nothing easy either....

Coping mechanism... I guess... you just gotta keep on trying....

Dark meat

Was hanging out with my girls tonight, when talking about them ex'es of the past, we spoke of this absolutely beautiful looking guy with a perfect body and who plays hockey... Yummy.... oops... 8-O lol

Then, my girlfriend made this comment...

"You like dark meat..."

I had to think a bit...

"Since they are ex'es from the dark age, they all are dark meat...."

So they say... dark meat is no good for your health especially if you have "easy broken heart disease".... 8-O lol sigh

Torn

Went to my doctor's office yesterday, apparently the ligament is torn on my right knee based on my MRI scan...

Since I was moving around like any other human being before the IME exam, so thought I... What it be like shall it be the IME that torn my knee during the examination.

Everybody in my head says I am crazy.... now there is organic reason.... "

"I ain't crazy.... (well, I am crazy but not in this scenario... lol)" So I said to the people in my head... "as long as you don't take into consideration the atypical patterns in symptom manifestation..." 8-O lol

Then, I thought of the voice I kept on hearing all these times... the word... "zerbrechen"....

What it be like... my body has been telling me that my ligament is torn? if not my existence blah blah blah...

Now there I find a perfect spot for this strange piece of information...

Then, again.... ya... keep it up and you are going to build up a delusional system again.... 8-O 8-X

8-O lol

Then, so comment a friend of mine... "Now you can sue the IME..."

You can sue anyone you want to and as much as you can if you have money.... 8-O lol

God bless

Mentioned that before... the day doesn't end until I wake up the second morning...

Woke up in the morning, I say... a perfect day yesterday and wonderful to be able to sleep without bed time terrors....

Follower

Wow... I got a follower for this blog?! 8-O

So far in my blogging life... 2 comments and 1 follower after all these years...

I am not crazy because someone else reading my blog! 8-O lol

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Motivation

6:20 in the afternoon, I walked past some smokers....

I thought to myself... "You could do it." At least waiting the the night grows older when I take the patch off... 8-O lol

Then, it daunted on me...

Motivation... the resurrection of motivation.... a long lost friend....

Gotta be careful though... the water could carry a boat and could sink a boat...


Second chance

On my way home, I thought of this common question...

"What would you do differently if you were given a second chance?"

Then, I thought what someone told me one day... it sounds as if I am living my life out of retirement... in reversed fashion...

Then, I realised... I have be given a second chance... a precious second chance...

This reminds me of the thought I had when waiting to see my doctor earlier....

It was a wrong question to ask... "What have I done so wrong in my life?"

Rather... what have I done so right in my past life since it ain't like I have done anything this round?

This time, I will live my life instead of preparing or waiting to live my life.... such as... preparing and waiting for lunch, dinner, the weekend... the holiday... and other locations in time...

Thought not sure yet... what living means....

What it be like for you?





Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Origami tessellation

Something most intringing about origami tessellation is that... It's nothing straightforward... you don't simply push it hard down to get the shape form...

It takes a lot of messiness till the pattern unfolds....

Some genius like this guy came up with a diagram so complicated that I could hardly follow....

Finally got it done...

Tried to do it the second round... got the diagram printed on the wrong side of the paper... so I had to tried to fold it in inversed fasion... and... got it out... 8-O



Bless

It had been my childhood dream... other than being a professor in the day time and a bartender in the night... as long as you don't ask me why... 8-O lol.... to go into clinical psychology...

And I tried many a year until life's finally led me to towards another path... to where I am today.... um... a lost soul in limbo... perhaps? 8-O lol oops...

Spoke with one of the first professor I had in New York today....

Spoke about my conditions etc...

Ya... ain't like I don't talk about it to people... you don't volunteer unless people ask... so we were told to do....

Anyways... the key point...

I had wanted to go into the field of clinical psychology in my younger years... for all reasons addressed so far in some parts of the writing....

Life seems to be pushing me further and further away from it while I could simply not escape from it however hard I try....

I bet everyone came to this field for a reason.... similar reason that pushes everyone towards whatever pursuit they might have in life.... regardless the field....

I had come across this book by this lady who is both a psychiatrist and a manic-depressive herself....

To be honest, that would be too much for me to take....

In addition, already a handful for myself to handle, believe me... I won't be able to walk too far shall I have gone into the field of mental health since that's one of the field of the highest rate of burned out rate. For instance, God bless them professionals who have to deal with a patient like me so far.... 8-O lol oops...

"Are you happy today?" So I was asked.

I am happy.

All about too close to home... since you are already at home, it is wonderful to live a life with what you love while dealing with them messiness at home... although I have no problem moving somewhere else.... since once a home forever a home... (sort of like what Chinese say... once a teacher forever a parent....) 8-O lol

I know it is different for everyone...

As of today, I have to say.... I am thankful that life has pushed me this way despite of the distaste for all them minor annoyances in life.... (such as that worry in the back of my head.... am I gonna get da esophageal spasm again tonight.... hopefully not... 150 mg night plus pear plus water plus Tums....)

And, by the way, 12 years ago, I first heard of the expression "ignorance is a bless" out of this classmate of mine in this prof's class.

I didn't understand it and thought the guy was pretty obnoxious.

Recently, it is an idea kept on coming back... true bless from God... ignorance is a bless.

What it be like... one of the lessons I needed to learn and took me so long to learn... ignorance is a bless....

Nice song

Nice song...

Lack of insights

"I am not psychotic." So said the voice.

A voice in a thoughtless day....

"You are in lack of insight." So I replied. On a second thought... maybe my voice is right... it's me hearing voices not my voices listening to themselves? So... the psychotic symptoms are not psychotic.... 8-O lol

Sleepy day

Might have something to do with too much salt in last night's instant noodles for dinner... my favorite Taiwanese instant noodles... or whatever theories to blah blah blah

Might have something to do I didn't drink enough water....

Not quite sure what I did but not enough water....

When I went to sleep, I could feel things coming up... sort or warm if not hot... raising to my throat...

Two pillows didn't work...

Then, there came sinus problems...

Problem--- can't breath with my nose and can't breath with my mouth.... attempting to breathe with my mouth... dry mouth that can't be alleviated by water-drinking emerges...

Then, there came anxiety.... and blah blah blah...

About two o'clock... I got up... took an Advil and a sleeping pill because, all that I can have not, sleep is essential...

So I woke up... today... 200 mg day plus the sleeping pill's lingering effects... feeling all dosed... still... How could them chemicals stay so long in my body?

Sleep walking if not working.... 8-O lol

Dead mouse

I found a dead mouse and I threw it into the garbage.

This boss of mine asked... "How do you know it is dead?"

"The head is jammed."

Then, I thought... maybe someone might want to keep the dead mouse...

So I went to see this boss of mine in the first room?

"Nope. I don't want it."

Yet, they suggested me to give it to the boss next door?

Arriving at the door, I held the dead mouse up and asked...

"Do you want a dead mouse?"

"Nope."

So I went back by the garbage can and heard my big boss asked me...

"What? You found a dead mouse?! Was it the one that was found yesterday?"

So I went to my big boss' door and showed him the dead mouse.

"I was wondering why everyone was so calm about the dead mouse and nobody screaming."

When a dead mouse turns into a dead mouse..... 8-O lol

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Workers' com

After the DHS, today I tried to deal with Workers' Com...

Court day can't be changed aiming to have the case closed despite my attempts.

Scenario: mission unaccomplished.

Thoughts involved: search--- similar scenario in the past--- decision making--- not going to drive myself up the wall.

Concluding thoughts: ain't quite healthy having no one to blame... Let's blame the president for the school since I have no idea who the institution is and that's the president anyways... especially when it didn't work last time when I try to blame it on God... 8-O lol

Mission accomplished... thought ain't nobody gives a rat's ass about what you say... now you have someone to blame and search could stop.


Next move: Returning to hibernating state.... while I still have a choice... 8-O lol sigh

Field and research notes

Never understood what is in my blog...

Until yesterday... someone else's words got it labeled... field... if not research notes......

No wonder the never-ending changes...

Achievement

My most unprecedented achievement today on Mafia War....

'You earned the "Set Them up for Later" achievement by losing 10 fights in a row.'


On a 150 mg day when I voluntarily stop thinking when thinking finally accessible...

So say the Chinese proverb...

Keep the forest then you won't be in lack of wood...

Overactive symptoms seem to have gone done to normal range.

Scheduled downtime

Today is the scheduled downtime... because I got myself or the situations got me too worked up yesterday.

Something makes me stay vacuous in my head...

I did my walk like dream walking...

Here at work... just do work.

No need to rebel since can't go against it anyway... 8-O lol sigh

Speaking of... la forza del destino... except for... me no need to go down the history like da piece... me no like miserable... 8-O lol


Monday, October 19, 2009

Admire

Speaking of grandiosity....

Not quite sure whether I overheard it from other people's conversation or it was a voice in my head...

"I admire me."

With the word "me" sounding a bit photoshopped in... 8-O lol

"Good change, perhaps... for my voice to start taking up first person perspective?" 8-O

200 mg

Another 200 mg day...

How well do I fare

An interesting though I had on my way home...

There are valid and legit stressors....

Forget about how well others might think I fare today... (this goes along with the self-referencing theme of my everyday life... sort of like... I walked passed these two people and heard one said something like... "you do not anyone good if you can't take care of yourself..." Good point, I ain't gonna do nobody good to not be in good health.)

Or how well they might fare if they were me today...

I looked at myself and asked...

"How well do I fare today?"

"I think I did good and I fare pretty well."

This is nice.

Perhaps, a question I should ask myself everyday....

"How well do I fare today?"

Let go

Letting go is a strange concept....

If no one else is confused, I am.

It is a gut feeling you have, there is no way to tell whether that gut feeling you feel is really what they mean by letting go... especially God knows whether it is simply some psychotic or psychowhatever symptoms.... 8-O lol

The confusion of interpretations...

So you let go of the question about letting go... 8-O lol

Especially when... I imagine it to be a process rather than subscribing to the threshold model....

And, so they say... you can't teach an old dog new tricks.... lol

So, on my way to class, I had this thought in my mind... the same thought that occurred a few times earlier...

"Talk is cheap. You could only tell when in the field. I could talk as much as I could. The real thing is in how well you could have the reality handled."

How could do the hypothesis testing though?

Before the scenario fully emerge....

I said to myself... "No more theory and hypothesis testing.... Not me... No more..." 8-O

Ya, give me a miracle... no more me testing them no more.... go away... go away.... 8-O lol


What to avoid

Didn't get to sleep until late last night and had to woke up early in the morning...

More and more of the running around to meet the DHS deadline for tomorrow...

I was still missing some ER records.... Yet, the time was pressing... I went ahead and shipped everything out by 4 o'clock....

I don't know how other's might handle it if you were in my shoe....

A psychotic and crippled at times chick running around trying to mail out a sea of documentations for the Department of Homeland Security of the United States of America... (especially when the phrase Department of Homeland Security itself is so... wow...)

In addition, I stupidly made myself do some unnecessary extra amount of stair climbing... might have added extra stress to the body itself as well...

So stressful that I actually took the patches off and switch to the real smoke....

Let go or not...

The whole scenario is damn tiring for me...

I observed a significant increase in positive symptoms.... primarily... self-referencing and them strange bodily sensation etc... just like that... simple as that...

Like... ever heard of the stress model? Duh...

So, after class, as I was dragging myself home... I had this realisation...

Things to be done to ensure my selves in good shape...

  1. Go to sleep early to make sure I get enough sleep
  2. Avoid getting to tired because it seems that when I am more tired, the symptoms come out easier
  3. Eat my food
  4. Avoid stress when possible
(Like nobody every told you anything like that before? 8-O lol)

Forgot

Still sort of remember some things I typed yesterday...

Yet... forgot again... 8-O

Maybe I did sustain some strange brain damage during the accident? 8-O lol

And... this forgetting thing is surely some interesting phenomena.... sort of remind me of... in a winter's night... a traveller...

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Done

I can now finally let it go....

I had come to the United States of America to study....

Now I think I have sort of learned enough for my own sake...

The documents will be submitted and it would be the end of it.

Well, you start something and you have to see it through...

I am currently tired and perhaps drained.

But tomorrow I know I will be regenerated and I bet I might have forgotten what I have typed out today.

I had thought what I came for was to learn and retain knowledge... develop and further develop more intellectual capabilities...

Ironically, today, the lessons learned is about letting go.... completely letting go... after flooded with the yester-present and today's past... now I can let go...

I have done all that I could do and I will finish up what I have started... with some more loose ends to tighten up.

The rest... just let fate take me and let me go with the flow (including the collection of the jackpot and green card 8-O lol)... because I have lived through all the tests so far and I think I have done as well as I could regardless how well others might think I fare or how well others might fare (an attempt to not be too egocentric 8-O lol).

Now I can let go.... the grudges... the hurt... the anger... the never-ending pursuit of I no longer know what.... and otherwise not specified.... (other than... well... somebody gotta be able to sue da institution that's not legally liable... oops... zen moment... zen moment... 8-O lol)

And, funny enough... it ain't like the things I have learned serve no purpose... it has been and remain to be of great use... and... it takes them to move me through...

Perhaps, all the work I had done in previous years are the preparation work for the entire process since I don't know when....

Yet, it takes the whole 9 yards about the immigration stuffs to put me to test... a test life has prepared me so far... it is as if it just keeps getting reloading and reloading in different forms... with the same core involve.... because I am too retarded a learner... 8-O lol

Unless... this is simple the chunk of time life assigned for me to learn to be a person because I had been assigned all the other years to learn and do everything else other than myself...

And... perhaps... now... I finally can be granted access to my leisure studies?! That would be nice. 8-O lol

And... if everyone has his or her own individual path, I really have no idea why I have been assigned this path? J.... C.....

Time for meds. 8-O lol sigh

(Was not gonna post this... because something tells me... what the heck...)

150 mg day

150 mg day again today...


Feeling more alive and... more verbal? 8-O lol


This feels more alive... 


Symptom-wise... a few times... not too many.... already forgotten... except for the DHS thing... more pronounced...

Guilty

Thought of what mama once said or twice...


She felt guilty because she felt that she did not take good enough care of me... and so have my sisters me told.... etc...


I told mama...


Please do not feel guilty.


It is not your fault or anyone else's fault...


Things come and things go....


I got snuffed and went, perhaps, backwards... However, I have always moved forward however slow...


There is no need to drag everyone down with me if I have or had to hit the bottom.  


Going down with me will not help anyone including me myself...


If it is destined for me to fall, however protected I am, the fall would still befall... as evident by how a chair collapsed under me would have led to the whole 9 yards...


So I told my mama...


Feel guilty not... it ain't your fault and it ain't nobody else's fault... not even my own... 8-O lol


And... thank you for not letting me dragging you down as well.... so that I know... after the fall, all that I have to do is to bring myself back to standing tall... with your help....

Friction

Had to finally start putting the supplementary documentations together and try to build a case...


Following the suggestion of my "intuition," I got rid of some records to keep things shorter... given my extensive clinical experiences both physically and mentally....


The first step call "starting" is the toughest part...


I found myself procrastinating... possibly as an act of my defense mechanism... not wanting to go through with it....


I had to talk myself through... "Good girl... You are procrastinating... Let's start putting it together and get done with it OK?


Once you start... you go through all the records... you revisit that painful past one page at a time... one source at a time...


And... you are through with it... coming out with a thought...


Umm.... it seems like I am not the only person really confused about what the hell is going on or has been going on.... or, maybe simply my own misinterpretation... 8-O  lol


Now... Time to summarize it all... still work in process...


The whole process... reminding me friction in physics... you overcome the friction... and you keep on moving on smooth surface....


And, it ain't like me got no insight about what all these efforts are to amount to...



Buying time... so I have been told... and sometimes I think... the time bought is for me to recover... back to the comments of my doctor back in Taiwan...


I asked... "What is the timeline for my recovery?"


So replied the doctor, "Depending on your efforts."


"What should I do?"



"Keep on doing what you have been doing and what helps."


So I spent the whole summer of 2008 doing nothing more than continuing working on learning to walk.


Regardless the outcome... I will be making the best use of the time I bought to recover.... What is the point? All else could or could not work out... that should be the core purpose.


And, this process... reminding me of the process of working on my dissertation... guidance could be sought except for you are the one who has to figure out how you are going to get things work... except for...


You can drop your school and keep on living.


Yet, you do not have the option of dropping your own life's dissertation... for... it's your life... and you can't even hide... 8-O lol sigh


On a second thought... no wonder I kept on having this feeling that something ain't quite right with that completed dissertation of mine... something told me the entire time that the purpose of it is to integrate what I had done and learned so far... Yet, I simply couldn't find a way to integrate it all... And, the matter of the fact, it took getting rid of 2/3 of the excessive data to get it done...


The way it goes... don't tell me that what is required to get this life's dissertation done is to let go of it all... what I once tried so hard to retain and to integrate..... except for da 200 million worth of mega million jackpot, the winning of the green card lottery (8-O), the stupid husband that couldn't find me yet and doesn't know how much he loves me (damn... go get a GPS that works), that perfectly simple job, my craft shop, my happily-here-after life... maybe making 1-2 little ratprincesses as well...  and unfinished projects completed... 8-O lol

Paranoia

This happened again.... was sort of wonder but did not want to pay it no mind...

I spoke of the DHS and its affiliations... and the scary delusions starts to emerge...

Then, I said... ok... I will stop here... and it stopped... 8-O

Something about the mentioning of DHS and the emergence of my delusions... the sure feeling that DHS is reading it and somebody there got mad at it and wants to do something about it while you know who gives a rat's ass about it. 8-O lol

Internal consistency for the given association? To early to judge since only two out of two incidences so far.

On a second thought... they said that many patients have the delusions about how the governments are watching them... this is one of the textbook simple and classic example I guess... this is very nice... simple... straight-forward, classic... and generalisable... which makes it more conductive to learning... 8-O lol

Wondering though... why I am so happy about it.... guess... it is sort like you find a case law that matches your scenario perfectly... that makes you happy because there ain't no ambiguity and no need for further clarification....

As long as you don't tell me it is because I finally live up to the textbook standard... 8-O lol

The contribution of DHS to the understanding of psychotic phenomena.... I guess... 8-O lol sigh

And, from this point, I would refrain from such since the goal is to recover and to regain functionality... the hypothesis true or not ain't my issue. Enough other people's intellectual pursuit...

Ya... lesson learned from what led to my last hospitalisation.... You live. You learn. You recalibrate... regardless whether it is right or not... 8-O

America

I don't really know what the United States of America is anymore...

Just when I am drowning in the whole documentation thing for the immigration services at DHS... I got invited to a small gather with my friends.

These American friends of mine have heard of all these things I have to go through all these years and... I think... they can't believe this is what people who have been living, paying taxes and getting screwed by the system like anyone else have to go through... 8-O lol

So I said to them...

"America wants me."

It felt as if both of them seemed to have paused a second not quite sure what to say... (maybe pondering... paranoid? 8-O lol)

"Because you two are my America." 8-O lol

I might walk around with an air of confusion... this part I am sure....

They agree with me... that it ain't like they want me to leave and it seems even the America people also do not quite understand why they make things so hard.

Marriage takes a lot of work

These two ladies walked past by on my way home from the walk...

Heard one said... "Marriage takes a lot of work..."

The head was gonna start moving including referencing to all the marriages I have encountered throughout my life so far...

Then, I stopped...

"Haven't even gotten a date for decades... how is it my issue?" 8-O lol

Execution terminated.

What is best for you...

My girlfriend spoke of how one day there was a fire drill in her school. She's got really bad arthritis and has really bad knees as a result...

After the drill, she decided to take a different route so that she didn't have to go through the basement of the building... to save herself some stair climbing...

The Principal saw her, maybe unhappy, and asked her why...

She responded, "I have really bad arthritis."

The principal replied, "exercise is good for you." Ya... it is good for you if you are on the flat land... not on the stairs...

She got back to him, "Do you have arthritis?"

"Nope."

Amazing how in life... everybody knows what is best for you even though they don't have to live a day... your life... 8-O lol

Sort of like.... well... the structure is there...



Lyrics | Hall & Oates - She’s Gone lyrics

Hanging out

I like hanging out with people who wants to hang out with me.

I don't care hanging out with people who don't care hanging out with me.

8-O lol

Through my eyes

I often have this feeling that...

My eyes can't focus... although I might still be able to think and and type out what I am thinking about like now... without having to watch...

It feels as if someone else is accessing your head and try to do something through your eyes...

This kind of events occur especially frequent and never really fails when I am at funerals.... oops....

There is no point to fight it because... first it causes a lot of discomfort to your head and eyes... second... it passes anyways...

The theory of such occurrences...

"Oh... symptom." (Not like there is anything new about this approach... 8-O lol sigh)

I guess this is the what patients might call... somebody took over control of my body and mind kind of phenomena.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

200 mg

As I promised the doctor, I went back to 200 mg last night... to keep my words...

Today, thoughts ran slower as I could observe... and... perhaps... less generative...

Looking back at the 150 mg day, I could identify two or three scenarios within which events such as scenes on TV are read as signs related to real life...

This calls for a reality check because, my experiences so far tells me that when one starts to develop parallel realities about life or what you might call multiple theories about real life... it's a problem.

Today's observation calls me to work on sticking to clarified facts... ignoring synchronicity and all signs to keep me sane and functional? It is because the interpretation of signs are perfect ingredients for the development of delusional systems. An inescapable burden.

I will not allow myself to risk my sanity in the pursuit of functionality if I can... and I have to remind myself from now on...

However hard it might be... I will try...

This is the exact reason why the shrink is worried about further dosage change... and why even I am taking it slow...

Back to the question... what if I continue to feel dissociated and blah blah blah as mentioned in earlier postings after the dosage is lowered?

At this point and at this low dosage... I guess I have no problem switching drugs as suggested by the doc... maybe there is something true that after 7-8 years... Seroquel no longer works the way it used to work and we simply have to start looking for an alternative medicine... Yet, not my issue really at this moment...

Except for... I don't want to go back to Risperdal because it makes my body shake involuntarily and uncontrollably all the times... like what I had witnessed what my uncles did in their entire life.... (unless that was simply the manifestation of the blockage of Xi? Whatever...)

I don't know what other people learned and did today...

One of the few things I learned today and might change tomorrow...

Grandma's words of wisdom

My girlfriend spoke of how she and her sister used to laugh at grandma because of the strange sounds she makes when standing up or sitting down...

"Why do you make the noise?" Asked the young and curious mind.

"Live your life." So grandma replied.

Today, some people might get not nice when she couldn't move to fast...

So my girlfriend had me told and so she said to them young guns bullet around or blocking her access to the rail...

"Live your life."

So I thought...

Ignorance is a bless... and God bless.... 8-O lol oops

However, a hearty recommendation I gave to people... which might be sort of difficult for them to take at times... due to circumstances... from a career-less lost soul in limbo...

Take care of your health because there ain't no nothing greater you can really pursuit without health....

And, if you don't understand it and you don't wanna take it, that is OK... we eventually would all come to this state of understanding at our own time...

Like... up to mid-day June 19th, 2007.... I would have said... "What the hell are you talking about? I will will myself out of anything and pursuit a grand career with all my might... and I will get it done at all cost." 8-O lol oops...

Today... one country... two governments... or maybe three... I would rather to have learned this lesson later than sooner.... and, then, you would understand why ignorance is a real bless... 8-O lol sigh

Comedy and tragedy

So this girl friend of mine and I both have been having some knee problems...

We spoke of how, instead of the subway, to minimise the number of stairs you take, you resort to buses instead...

When inevitable, you figure out which subway station has elevators so that you can connect to bus...

As well as the experiences of... you standing strong on the individual stair you arrive at while facing a sea of people trying to rush in and out of the subway stations... Don't you hate them people who block your path? One thing you don't know is that... you hate it even more when you are the one blocking the pathway... 8-O lol sigh

So I spoke of how I was moving so slow and stopping one stair at a time yesterday when trying to get out of the subway station....

Two ladies asked me how I was at different time...

My response... "I am fine. I will get there."

Maybe 10 minutes later... I finally got out of the station.... 8-O lol

Then, responded my girlfriend... "When you are my age... they stop asking." 8-O oops... lol

The burden of living in a world designed not for the disabled... I guess...

Ya... only people in the situation or who has been in the situation could understand...

"Yet, once you get better... you forget..." My girlfriend concurred with me with hearty laughter...

"Ya.. like for the longest time, my mama walked faster than me... then I caught up... then I was able to walk faster then her... This is when I turned around and yield at her... faster... faster... what do you mean you can't move no more. Then, one day... the IME day... again... mama walked faster than me with me stuck with the speed of slow and stop. And, you remember again. It was as if life thinks I am retarded and has to send me back to learn my lessons again." 8-O lol

"Degraded!" Commented another friend of mine.

All of us laughing together... as if there was no tomorrow... 8-O lol

So said Woody Allen... "Comedy is tragedy in time."

Perhaps... at times, it could be at the same time... 8-O lol

Nail

Had a nice girl's night out hanging with some old friends and eating some good home made cooking...

Some point in the conversation, this friend of mine granted these words of wisdom again...

"For people with a hammer, everything looks like a nail."

8-O lol

Be good

So many a time when people see me, they ask me whether I have been good...

Don't know why... unless there is a reason why? 8-O lol

When have I really been bad anyways other than... I am not quite sure... 8-O lol

In any case, after I serenaded my beloved Department of Homeland Security, all of a sudden, my head started sending out warning signals of paranoid delusions... DHS reading... who else reading... somebody got mad... upset.. blah blah blah... harming... warning...

I took it as a warning signal...

OK... as if if I am having too much fun with my "creative writing," the head gets overheated and gets unhappy...... gotta scale back... and perhaps that's what it means to be bad? 8-O

So, I stopped.

They went away.

I sat there complaining to my symptoms...

"Why don't you simply tell me to stop? Ain't like you haven't talked my ear off before?"

Reminding me again... da monkey king.... 8-O lol sigh

Questions

Junior asked some questions she had never asked before yesterday out of the blue and asked some other questions I have already forgotten...

Questions such as...

"What is it like to be in the psychiatric ward?"

Answer
  1. The extremely stinky gas we passed smell all similar... might have something to do with the same food, similar meds especially the thing they give you for pooh pooh since the meds makes you really constipated. I got to realise it one day when I thought I did not pass gas but everyone else could smell that extremely stinky gas.... Then I realised... again... it was only normal... And, if you think... why speaking of gas and pooh pooh... like you never passed gas in your life and your shit doesn't stink? 8-O lol
  2. You can't go out and smoke at your own will
  3. You don't have to cook for yourself but you have to do your own laundry or make sure it gets done.
  4. They have programs so that you have things such as arts and craft or meetings to go to to keep yourself busy and so on...
  5. The worst thing... you are locked behind gated door.

"Do you have schizophrenia?"

Answer:
I have had different diagnosis associated with my psychotic symptoms so far. schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, delusional disorder... Regardless the labeling, antipsychotic medications such as Seroquel are used to treat the symptoms.

Then, I spoke of this guy I met at a bar one night years back who told me that he knew everything about schizophrenia.

Junior responded...

"How can you know everything about schizophrenia if you are not one yourself?"

My response...

"One thing non-patients might not have is the phenomena themselves... However, experts could know things patients don't know. Regarding the comment the guy made about he knows everything about schizophrenia... well, if they know everything about schizophrenia, they would have found a cure... rather than treatments. And, it wouldn't not even be a problem."

Of course, the guy might just want to impress girls at the bar except for he might have barked at the wrong tree... 8-O lol

At the same time, I don't know how other people might have lived their experiences... I only know mine.

It was funny how... all of a sudden... she came up with questions as such...

My initial reaction was...

Did someone suggest it because it is suspected that I might need to talk about it out loud other than written all things out?

Sort of like... talk therapy?

Or... someone suspected that the reason why I am writing so much is because verbal things needs to come out... not in speech than in writing?

So you stop.

And, I thought... what it be like if it has something to do with my running around after my medical records.... psychiatric or not?

So I took a minute to ponder...

Perhaps... I still have this dream... some part of the writing might eventually reach people who can make use of it to do something good... this would be the part of the writing that is in public and for the public use sort of like open source kinda stuff...

There is another parts that is in private which... share I not... because that ain't nobody else's business.... (like what is in public is anyone's business... at least, one thing I know is that... ain't like I am forcing nobody to read my writing filled with God knows what kind of mumble jumble...) 8-O lol

Friday, October 16, 2009

Love

I love my life because there are many people I love and I know they love me regardless who I am and how I am.

Knowing it makes you feel very happy and very secure.

They might not be able to do everything for you or give you everything you want (such as da 200 million dollar for mega million 8-O lol) but you know how nice they are to you, have been, and, will be recalled when you are sitting in a rocking chair reminiscing the memories past... at the age of 90 or so... 8-O lol

At the same time, you can also see love even in passersby... in the things they do... a smile, the questioning of whether you are OK when trying to climb them inevitable stairs... the willingness they put forth to help people resolve a problem... the bearing of your harassment... and simple things as such...

Then, you think... it doesn't have to be directed towards you specifically... by simply seeing the loving things people do for each other... it opens up a window to see and feel more love...

The importance of love.

Curious scenario: in love

A curious scenario came into my mind... despite of the fact that I don't fancy entertaining how the future might unfold... I am aware of the possibilities...

A strange image...

The department of homeland security has all my information... achievements and medical history... (the reality. 8-O lol)

And... I am somewhere else... maybe teaching kids in some rural area... outside of the region of the United States of America.... 8-O

Although it still is my preference to take a simple job and living happily here in my beloved New York... and.... not delusions... not illusions... not anything else ending with any other -sions... I have not giving up hope... for da miracle... (maybe find a job at the DHS perhaps?) 8-O lol

And... just to clarify... I abide strictly to law and engage in no conducts unlawful... despite of the pending status... 8-O lol

And... perhaps... maybe with the department of homeland security I have fallen in love since I can't get it out of my mind? How romantic?! 8-O lol


It's driving me out of my mind
That's why it's hard for me to find
Can't get it outta my head
Miss her, kiss her, love her, wrong move you're dead

That girl is poison

Since the heart has its reason, can't quite blame me for falling in love.. can you? 8-O lol


What kind of love might it be? Perhaps, fuzzy and cute.. puppy love?


Oh... so nice....

First day 150 mg: Presence

After the phone called, it was as if the whole 9 yards simple fell off on me and I had to step out for a smoke especially when I forgot the patch at home...

Stepping outside of the building... I came to the realisation....

"Oh shit! I am reacting!"

First day the dosage down to 150 mg of Seroquel....

I could feel the presence of me... that me that could feel and could react to situations like a human being... rather than hiding behind rationalisations and terminally seeking to use understanding to avoid entertaining either accessing or the inability to access emotions (just don't ask me what exactly I am talking about...)

That me that has the capacity to blow things off while it is small... react and forget... rather than building things up and explode like a volcano...

Somehow I think it is healthier that way...

In other words, by using meds to drug me down so far... is it really all that healthy or not? The inability to feel and to react although, granted, meds are necessary to counteract the effects of the symptoms?

I, then, took a step back...

First day into another round of adjustment...

I can't let me driving myself up the wall...

Would the whole 9 yards be stressful to the others as well?

Perhaps and perhaps not... yet such is not the correct question....

The question, perhaps, should be... what can you get out of it other than testing your own stress management skills under the influence of medication?

I might love feeling my own presence... but... some part of it has to change... and I have to let go... except I have no idea what and how...

PTSD

Of course, just when I thought I might be able to finish collecting all documents by today and at least send them all out by tomorrow...

And... after waiting for phone calls...

I finally called again to check to see whether the document from one source is ready.... only to find out 15 minutes from closing time... I won't be able to get there to give this stupid initial...

Here comes the loop....

I got irritated...

"Why didn't they tell me I need the initial when I was there?"

"They didn't know until they reviewed it."

"Is there any other way where I can give my initial?" For God's sake, it's a patient requesting her own information! 8-O

"No... you have to wait till Monday."

"Would it be possible to get it by Monday since Tuesday is the optimal deadline?"

"There is no telling?"

"Shit!" So I heard myself over the phone... time to apologise....

So I said to the nice lady on the other end... "I am sorry... I am not saying shit to you... it is the situation..."

The matter of the fact is that....

It is a tiring and trying process... especially when what you are asked to go back and confront is a past you do not wish to look back.... Other than my not liking to talk on the phone....

This is more than somebody else's documentation you are gathering...

This is a whole mess filled with God knows why complications for an utterly simple being.

And... if you don't know... it is ok... because I did not realise it until seconds ago...

So, as I was all tired and trying to drag myself back home with all documents in the backpack, I felt the bag was heavy...

It surely is heavier than my ordinary load....

Yet, at the same time, let's put it... psychosomatisation... its weight on me seems to make it even more heavy....

Perhaps, what I was reacting to was the vast bureau of indecision.

The prolonged process of a strange pursuit.... with the ups and downs of meds adjustment as one major theme through all these years... what I happened to scan through when photocopying a copy of the documents for myself.... what I once noticed when scanning through all my blog postings so far...

The documents so very confidential that it would require an extra initial of mine to get released... apparently... even more sensitive than those for the others...

So I thought of the comment I made right after the phone call...

"If one diagnosis they have failed to assign so far... that would be PTSD..."

Except for... where does the stress originate from? Could it be that "me" unless it is too presumptuous to, again, be me-centric?

And.. unless it is not only "mes"... it's simply human?

Sort of like what junior said after seeing what all my trials and hearing my side of conversation..... "I would have blow off myself..."

Reminder

Once in a while you have to remind yourself...

There ain't no telling whether the things you are trying out are to work... or... whether they will work forever...

You can only live through one day at a time... and recalibrate one day at a time...

And... what is written... simply... what is written...

That girl is poison

The song was in my head... running around...

Nice old song...

Mercy

In my much younger years or maybe not even all that far past.... I was anal retentive about being self-reliant...

It was always like... me can do this... me can do that... me can do.... always... me me me...

Today, I think...

Ain't no nothing all that bad to simply allow yourself to rest on others' mercy...

And... ain't like you sit there don't do nothing...

More like... you do what you can do and that's it.

Especially when... are you sure you are sure that what has come out really has anything to do with your "me me me"?

It is nice to talk about self-determination etc kind of stuff... but, at some point, you are gonna come face to face with life larger than your "self", I guess... 8-O lol

Reminds me of da word that came up many a time... 我執太重... and.. of course... stop it.