Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Although I am not filthy rich...

Although I am not filthy rich... today I finally have my first fully upgraded Hotel in life... 8-O lol


I know I am crazy... otherwise there wouldn't be this blog... lol

What has blogging done for me?

The next question for me to entertain...

What has blogging done for me through all these years?

As an attempt to figure this out, I reposted the first two posts of mine dated back to January 2005.

My very first post:
At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology.

The second post:
The day after I upped my dosage in Zoloft

As a result of this new and smaller scale question, today I took started a new Nvivo project including only postings I have labeled as "Why I blog"... trying to find in my own words supporting evidence for my own theories...

What methodology!? 8-O lol 8-X

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

What did Cafe World alike do for me?

Still pondering about this question...

"What did Cafe World alike do for me?"

From 2-3 words to today...

From 600 mg Seroquel to 25/4?

Anyone else have anything to contribute?

Monday, December 27, 2010

The mind

Was given this quote as a gift for the Solstice and I thought I might share with you....

"True, we must all develop into mental consciousness. But mental-consciousness is not a goal; it is a cul-de-sac. It provides us only with endless appliances which we can use for the all-too-difficult business of coming to our spontaneous-creative fullness of being. It provides us with means to adjust ourselves to the external universe. It gives us further means for subduing the external, materio-mechanical universe to our great end of creative life. And it gives us plain indications of how to avoid falling into automatism, hints for the applying of the will, the loosening of false, automatic fixations, the brave adherence to a profound soul-impulse.

This is the use of the mind -- a great indicator and instrument. The mind as author and director of life is anathema."

D.H. Lawrence

Bookmarklet

There is one thing I surely do not understand about the facebook games..... the use of bookmarklets...

Apparently, some people consider it as cheating... well... something true about it but... Since I have not logged in to my facebook accounts for a while, I have to clean up a whole lot of requests sent from everywhere.

What is even more scary about the game requests is that, apparently, facebook only show you about 100 of them at a time.  Shall you ever be in my shoe, you will find yourself clicking away... not even yet in side of the game, but at the FB interface level... accepting or rejecting them requests while finding more of more of them requests popping out.... the ones that you don't even know ever existed.

Moreover, in my case, a whole lot of these requests have already expired and this is the reason why I had to outsource something else to do these game-related activities for me.... (Yet, in this scenario, is it still me playing the game? 8-O)

So,as I am typing out these blurbs while looking for documents about the implication of facebook and my life so far...

I have on this other tab of this browser.... JGrabAllGifts bookmarklet running... the book of one of my faces... cleaning up.... 8-O lol

Anyways, a question I am trying to figure out... could the facebook games have any impact on my mental health status.... as each of the requests are being answered at 20 second interval automatically....

Interestingly, it's almost 2 years since facebook was first mentioned on this blog...

Saturday, December 25, 2010

When are you going back to the US?

One question everyone kept on asking me.

My answer, "I don't know."

My bosses did try their best to bring me back but somehow got blocked at HR.

I do have to clean up my room in New York in the next month or two.

The only question I have now is... would they give me problem applying for a visa to get back to the US especially when now I am "self-employed", a writer? Curious... Curious... 8-O lol

Then I thought... wow... so many worries in life.  The amazing creativity granted to the human mind... finding worries for oneself. 8-O lol

At the same time, it wouldn't have even been an issue if Taiwan is already part of the VIsa Waiver Program (VWP).... Ain't like I have any intention to stay illegally or conduct any illegal activities... otherwise, it would have happened, I guess... Duh... though... no criminal intents... no criminal intents here under the guidance of God... 8-X 8-O lol

One place as close to the US as as I could go now, though,  is Quam... nice...

And... in the background, my mama kept on talking about how they were proposing to make Taiwan a part on the US years back... in addition to the fact that some people in the government no is all interested in China while they themselves might the US green card... such as the president himself.... Interesting.... 8-O lol


In the meanwhile, let me get back to write.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Counting my blessing

Perhaps, one of my biggest blessing is that...

I don't need much and I don't buy much stuffs.

Even if I have money in my pocket, I don't know what to do about it....

All that I have ever really needed was a roof, a bed, somewhere cool enough for the summer and somewhere warm enough for the winter... and food... and... perhaps... (tech devises plus broadband. 8-O lol)

Though... I am high maintenance...

I wear MBT on my feet everyday and CD on my lips once in a blue moon....

Not to mention all the medical expenses that have incurred as a result of me... though I have never seen a dine of das money... 8-O lol

And... of course, it might also have something to do with all the wonderful loving people I have ever known...

What is your biggest blessing?

Merry Xmas wherever you are!  :-)

Gifted

I haven't entertained thoughts about "gifted" or heard people talking about it for the longest time.

Last night, in some off-line writing, I talked about them years when I was identified as gifted.

Happened to be, when I went to my physical therapy today, this grandma all of a sudden started talking about how her once identified as gifted grandchild is no longer gifted in junior high school.

8-O

Oops... gotta bring myself back... synchronicity kills a rat... 8-O 8-X lol

Zu hause sein

Just came back from my mission to get a debit card from a local bank in Taiwan here for the second time though still was unable to get the application completed when I walked out of the door.

Was ist den loss?

When I went yesterday, I didn't have the stamp with me.  Apparently, in Taiwan, the signature is not enough.  You also need the stamp.

I said, "fine."

I walked back for the second round today and all documentations ready.

At some part during the paper-working process, the fine lady asked me for my cellphone.

"I don't have a cellphone."

"But I need your cellphone number in order to get the application completed."  So replied the fine lady.

You see, I can experiment with all different kinds of computing technologies but one thing I kept resisting is getting a cellphone...

I don't know why and I have no intention to waste my energy entertaining the reason why.

Then, I wanted to apply for a credit card.

I should have applied for one when I was still working but I was working 7 to 5-6  everyday till the boat sank... Didn't even have enough time to sleep... forget about credit card.

The unfortunate fact is that... I have money... but in the US still... not to mention the value of Taiwanese currency simply would not stop rising.  Thus, it is not such a great time for me to be doing currency exchange.

So I informed them, "My money is in my bank in the US."

I printed out a copy of my citibank monthly statement.

The lady at this local bank took the printouts and said that she would try to submit it as the supplementary documentation for my credit card application.

Across the street was Citibank.

The Citibank in Taiwan is not networked with Citibank in the US.  The matter of the fact is that, if I want to withdraw money, I would have to go to a specific branch at a different location.

I went to the bank yesterday and spoke with another young gentleman about my situation.

The gentleman gave me some suggestions on how it might be plausible to apply for a credit card... including... bringing my existing credit cards and a copy of my bank statement.

It was a different guy who spoke with me today.

He asked me for my 銀行存摺, which is passport size of booklet documenting all of your bank transactions.  Looking like the following...


"They don't have 銀行存摺 in the US."  At least not where I came from.

I showed him the printout of my citibank statement.

"But it doesn't have the stamp of the local branch."

To be honest, I have no recollection whether the official statement of the citibank branches uses a stamp or not...

"But this is a monthly statement and now everybody is going e-statement."

I also showed him my citibank debit card, my Chase visa card and my discover card.  Some of the cards I brought back from the US.

That gentleman in Citibank got a stern look on his face, "I can send the application in but I don't know whether it would work."

I knew he was doing his job and I was done with the re-entry experience thing for the day.

"Then, that is fine."

I walked out of the door.

I have been through quite a few of strange things in life but this gotta be accounted as the most buzzard one.

For all these years, I have opened and closed bank accounts;  I have gotten debit cards and credit cards without a hassle.  I had so many credit cards that I eventually started to cancel them out one by one.

Except for.. da mals I was in the US and I had and still have the top ranking credit score.

But the US said that I do not belong to the US and I have to come back home to Taiwan.

Eventually, now I am supposed to be zu hause sein... except for...

No credit...

No debit card...

Difficulties applying for credit card...

This realization struck me...

Wow... this is what it really mean... a lost soul in limbo! 8-O lol

I was feeling very jaded like any other normal people would do.

I got home, turned on the computer and started doing typing... which makes me feel... zu hause sein.

There is something interesting about writing... or let the words that want to come out coming out in its own will.

Reminding me again of da fountain of speech de da goddess of speech des Nietzsche.

At some point, I thought of that shabby room of mine...

I am home.  The home that I grew up in.

Yet, God, how I miss home and my other families...

Zu hause sein...

At the same time, nothing special I guess... just the reenactment of some commonplace reentry experiences?

Thursday, December 23, 2010

computer work

Just finished a few hours of typing.... a lot of words... (and, thank God, in English.)

Then I thought of the conversation I overheard earlier today.

These two ladies were talking about how they got their occupational injuries through too much computer work.

One commented something like... "It is not like you don't need to use computer when you don't work. "

Good point...

Then, what the hack am I doing with all them hours of computer work? Making me no money and adding risks for occupational hazard?! 8-O lol

I am happy though that I typed a few pages today... regardless the worth of the contents...

You see... it makes you happy to do what you are good at. 

For me... I know I am good at typing... in English and how I have suffered when trying to learn to type in Chinese. 8-O lol

Was bist du von Beruf?

"Was bist du von Beruf?" is one of the few sentences I can still make in German.

Well, what do you do to make a living?

Since I had to quit that full-time job that got me into the hospital, I am back to be unemployed.  Ouch.

The funny thing is that, in the back of my mind, somehow I knew along the way it was to come except for I did not know in which way my system would collapse... even before I took the job...

I knew something was not ready.

However, since that thing called "I knew" is often wrong as per my delusional propensity, I went ahead with it though ending the last few days of my employment on sick-leave. 8-X

Nowadays I am getting stronger and recovering even better again... especially physically...

I continue to go to my physical therapy and go to see my rehab doctor.

At the same time, I start to get back to my writing and... oops... back to monkeying around with zynga games.

As I was on my way to my physical therapy today, I had a realization...

I always wanted to be a writer except for it ain't like I have a clue what I can write about.

Since, out side of the times I spent in physical therapy, my daily long walk and my swinging exercise, I spend a huge amount of time in front of the computer writing about how I don't know what to write...

Today the only desktop support service I could provide is for myself.

Today the only person I can remotely teach a squat to is myself.

Today the only statistics that is causing me grief is.. me.

Having worked for all these years... today...  Was bin ich von Beruf? 8-O

Now that no other titles are applicable...

Can't even call myself a housewife since... oops.. can't find no man to marry me. 8-O lol

Wow... how wonderful... so I thought to myself...

I am a writer.

For all those years that I wanted to be a writer, I happened to be something else.

Interestingly, today it would be really nice to get some simple job and make a dine or two, I am forced by la forza... home resting...

Just so happen... all else taken away from me... I end up being a writer... writing about how I have no idea what to write about. 8-O lol

Except for... the first and the very last book I published was 5 years ago... my dissertation... which I sold... like... 1 or 2 copies? 8-O lol

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

centos5 8-O

As I was checking the Stats of this blog, I found this strange referring URL...
http://centos5.vf02.com/php/new_vf02/pre-screen_eval/assignurl_v4.php.....

Centos...

What is Centos and I seemed to have heard it before... (guess, I was thinking the cousin of this Ubuntu I am using today... CentOS... which I seemed to have tried out earlier this year...)

I clicked through the link and ended at this log-in screen...


So I clicked through the link to go to its home...


Interesting... someone might have accessed my blog through a location where secured login is required?

Then, I decided to go directly to http://centos5.vf02.com/...

Alas... the clicking of da link redirected me to the Cyber Crime section of the United States Department of Justice.

8-O

That does get me paranoid... even more... 8-O 8-X

Might have to do with some of the pictures I got from the Internet, I guess?

Otherwise... I love the United States of America... I love the United States of America... repeat n^n times n~infinity.... 8-O lol

If not... I spread the message of love... like da gentleman for years walking up and down Broadway... "I love you! I love you!"



(Regardless how many times I updated this post and the contents themselves.... the question I have at this point is...

How does one come up with all the above mumble jumbles... from a simple meaningless URL... other than it is close to full moon? 8-O  Intriguing...)

My name is 張金寶

When I was much younger, I thought it is very vain to be talking about money even though I am very vain anyways even though I didn't have the guts to admit it.  8-O lol

My genius stroke just now and I told my parents...

"I want to change my name to "張金寶."  The price of gold has gone sky-rocketing nowadays."

Wow... the worth of gold at my weight... wow... I worth at least a couple million bucks.

My sense of self-worth suddenly elevated.  8-O lol

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Who Am I?

Before I left New York this summer, I came across this question many a time.... sometimes it was a question directed towards the others while, other times, a question people asked me.

"Who are you?"

When I was teaching my first class to this group of students (at that job that didn't last too long and after which I ended in the hospital), I asked them to spend some time writing down an introduction about themselves.

Essentially... who are you?

So I decided to ask myself this same question today...

Who am I?

Following is all that I can think of and what my self-concept allows me to type in about who I am....


Interesting... taking the naming out... my name, ratprincess and a lost soul in limbo, 3 things define "mes"?

Think we all should do this exercise sometimes... maybe?

Knowing I have this bad habit of thinking a bit not the same from the others, I decided to rethink who I am from a more conventional kinda approach... based on my estimation of how other people think...




One thing I have to say about this picture is... wow conventional views in my imagination is too complicated. 8-O lol

25/4 mg Seroquel

Still on this curious dosage of 25/4 mg Seroquel...  it's been a few months now...

The smallest pill you can find is the 25mg pill.

Maybe there is nothing strange about this 6+- mg Seroquel diet...

Yet, for someone who was on 600mg for quite a while...

What exactly does the 6+- mg does other than making me feel more sleepy on 6+ days and feeling everything on the "upper" end on the 6- mg day?

All else I have no idea about... one thing I can tell ya is that... well... I am equally abnormal.... 8-O lol

Mafia war

It's been a couple of months since I went back to Mafia war.

Today, I went back to take down Governor Halloran in Vegas by dying quite a few death, healing in New York and went back to beat up Governor Halloran a few more times.


After over 1 year of doing virtual jobs and beating God knows what up, I finally reached level 700+ and that was when something said...

Now I can stop.

Those days of burning the midnight oil only to level up has finally past.  8-O lol

Monday, December 20, 2010

Feels like 20°

Apparently, at some point today, it is supposed to feel like 20°...

In New York... 20° F...

While... in Taipei... 20° C....

Knit

Came across some old pictures I took last year this time, when I started knitting.... coinciding with the time when Dr. Strauss would come frequent me every so often.

I knitted.

I unknitted.

I knitted.

etc.

That's what I did.

One morning I woke up, I stopped.  At least for the time being.

Expert

When I woke up this morning, I was one more year older.... 8-O ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Happy birthday!

Anyways, as a instructional technologist learning to type, I pondered to myself...

"What kind of expertise could I plausibly have?"

At some point, I could still claim myself to be an expert of my own dissertation.

Yet, come on, babe... The last time I touched my own dissertation is... what? 5 years ago? 8-O lol

I could BS about me being an expert of my own aches and pains and blah blah blah...

Yet, be real, today I have absolutely no clue at all about no nothing.

A strange state, though, to come face to face with my don't-know-no-jack existence.

Isn't it sad?

Well, to be honest, yes.


All these years of education and blah blah blah plus blah blah blah.... leading me to a path heading towards don't know nothing? 8-O



Wow... if there is God... it's gotta be some really profound message my God is trying to convey to me except of yours truly is simply too dumb to get to da thing called comprehension... 8-O lol

Then, after my birthday cake, I had this genius idea...

Wow... I am an expert in nothing... so they say... better than nothing... Gott Sei Dank... there is nothing... 8-O lol

Sunday, December 19, 2010

On learning to type ㄅㄆㄇ

There is something really interesting about learning to type ㄅㄆㄇ.

It is very unnatural... 8-O lol

At least from the perspective of someone who is trained to use the ABC keyboard.

The matter of the fact is that, for years, I only have to worry about moving my fingers around in 3 main rows.  All of a sudden, with the ㄅㄆㄇ keyboard, I have to move my fingers to control 4 rows.

In case you wonder what the Chinese phonetics look like and their matching keys...



At this state, I am still trying really hard to both physically and mentally map the location of my fingers with the associated phonetics. Still really rusty with my skills but I think I can now type much faster when comparing to back a couple days ago if not weeks or months ago.

When doing my everyday walk, I would even stare at them store signs and move my fingers to the relative locations... as practice exercise.

Come to think about it... the process of learning to type is sort of like learning to play guitar or piano... I guess?

I don't know how much longer it will take before I am as good a typist in Chinese as in English. Hopefully... the day will come soon!

Some people, such as my sister, prefer to use the Ping-in input method since she, like me, is already familiar with the ABC keyboard.

Why do I choose to go with ㄅㄆㄇ?

I don't know. Just do it. I guess? Maybe I will come back to try out Ping-in one day. For now, I am experimenting with ㄅㄆㄇ.

My preferred now is the traditional Chinese Phonetic Input method that came with the Windows OS. The benefit of it is that it will also automatically show you the plausible selection of the next word to save you some typing time.

The problem with the word selection process is that, in Chinese, sometimes you have a whole lot of words with the same pronunciation and you have to scroll down and down till you find what you want.  With the suggestions automatically provided by the program, sometimes the list is so long that it might take longer time for you to find the next words than simply to get it type out.

The scrolling thing is also the reason why I started with the Ping-in input method and decided to go through the process of relearning the ㄅㄆㄇ keyboard.  It is because, with the ㄅㄆㄇ system, you can specify the tone of the word you are typing and the resulting word list would get shorter, which would totally help you cut down the time needed to browse through a world of plausible words.

For instance, if I intent to type "打滾", after I type out the word 打, it will show me a list of words that could follow this word.  In order to get to the second word "滾," I have to click 7 times on that scrolling bar in order to locate the specific word.  In that case, it might be much faster simply type the word out than using the suggestion functions.

An interesting manifestation of this thing called having to stop my thinking because I can not find the word... 8-O

Come to think about it and since I almost type as fast as I can think... and... reminiscing da not so far away past going from 2-3 words...

For one to be able to type out their writing directly, one really need to have a working memory with larger than the 2-3 words capacity.  I suspect, when I was in the state of being able to read 2-3 words, by the time I finish recognizing the first option, I would have already forgotten my own thoughts... Just wondering...

Life is interesting... always something new everyday....

What have I been up to? (As tough as ㄅㄆㄇ)

Other than working really hard trying to figure out how to get myself recover from head to toe...

After the event that led to the big time realization that now me speak even no good Chinese now 8-X, I started to work really hard on my Chinese writing and keyboarding skill.

I still remember the time when I look at people who needed to find keys one by one when typing and thinking to myself... they need more training in automating the "key finding" skill...

Not to realize that... today... it is me myself who needs the training today.

Well.. ain't like I haven't been done or doing da thing called re-learning to walk and re-learning to think kinda stuff?

Being an excellent typist for the longest time, I have already forgotten the pains involved when I learned to type in English ages ago...

I have also forgotten what it took to get to the state of typing without even having to think of the keys... the fingers simply move to the location...

En route, using google site, Chinese version, I created my first Chinese website populated with traditional Chinese characters and the info was based on the contents I prepared for the big-flop speech largely destroyed by my lack of insights about my now no-good Chinese proficiency. 8-X lol sigh

Gotta say, if all that I have to do is to put things together in English, it might take only a few hours.  Unfortunately, it took me a couple of days to get some pretty drafty kinda contents out because, first, I have to translate ideas from English to Chinese and, second, I have to type them out in traditional Chinese.

Anyways, the up-side of the whole 9 yards... I can see, in the near future, I can feel much more comfortable using this term called "bi-lingual"... beginning with... being able to be a better typist using phonetics.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

My biggest fear came true... re-entry- 邯鄲學步

Had the chance to give a small talk... brown bag kinda thing today about the future and present trends as I know in instructional technologies base on my years of blah blah blah.

I might not be an excellent teacher or speaker... throughout the years, I have given some all right grade kinda presentations.

Today was the worst... because... it was the first time in my life to give a presentation in CHINESE. OMG...  8-O

Though... I speak Mandarin and Taiwanese in my everyday life, throughout the entire presentation, I found... uncontrollably.. thoughts, expressions and ideas forming in English.

I was on the stage trying to convey my ideas except for... it's a Taiwanese audience.

I heard English phrases slipping out of my mouth time and again... till... finally... I gave up refraining myself using English phrases because that seems to be the only way to get senses semi-completed.  8-X

When I was preparing for the talk, one of the biggest obstacle I came across was to find the Chinese translation for all the terminologies.

For instance, mental model... I live in mental model theory for all these years.  Yet, I had no clue what mental model is in Chinese...

Also.. so they say... mental model is 心智模式...

I also have no concept at all what "concept map"?   In other words, I have no 概念 what 概念圖 is in Chinese.

It was not until when I started talking did I realize that... it is not only the Chinese versions of the academic jargons that I am clueless about... I am also at a loss when it comes to the expressions associated with the usage of these jargons.  Might have something to do with the fact that... these are the things I learned in my adult life with usage exclusively in English.

The whole thing got me totally in shock and brought me further down into the dasein of my 邯鄲學步 state... me no speaking English, now... neither could I do Mandarin and Taiwanese in stand-alone version.  8-O lol sigh

It also reminds me of the experiences I had when I first went to Vancouver...

When I tried to speak English, I would first write the sentence out in that vacuous space in my head before I could read it out loud.... the same time I tried to learn the qwert keyboard.

Now, the inverse of what happened almost 20 years ago... except for this round... couldn't figure out how to put things in Chinese and type them ㄅㄆㄇ.... 8-O lol

On a second thought, such gotta be some pretty common experiences... so they might have named it... "en-entry cultural shock."

Got me a good shock....

On another second thought, well... my life is very much normalized today sharing issues commonly experienced by the normals... 8-O lol

Monday, December 13, 2010

Something I am really upset about America

Saw it on the news...

OMG... when will the US dollars stop depreciating?

Don't you know I am bleeding from the outside? Ouch... ouch... and... ouch some more....

Stop... stop... please... sometimes you have to learn to stop if you could! 8-O 8-X

Please stand up!

Sort of like... 恨鐵不成剛... I guess...


Though if I were in the inside, it might not really matter, I guess, unless going out? Strange concept called currency....

At the same time, stop being such a baby... ain't like I have so many a penny in stock? 8-O lol 8-X

Friday, December 10, 2010

Dysautonomia 自律神經失調?

This phrase called 自律神經失調 kept on coming up recently...

So I looked it up... in English.. perhaps... Dysautonomia? 8-O

Then, I came across this discussion forum where people spoke of dysautonomia and spine-related problems... and this posting by lady Guest_Julia59_*...

Dysautonomia can be connected with disorders of the spine when there is pressure on the spinal cord, or when there is blockage/partial blockage of CSF (cerebral spinal fluid) fluid, but from what I understand it's the upper spine---(cervical spine)---and also in the brain stem area. There is a condition known as chiari malformation.

"Chiari (kee-AR-ee) malformation (CM) includes a complex group of disorders characterized by herniation of the cerebellum through the large opening in the base of the skull (foramen magnum) into the spinal canal. The herniated tissue blocks the circulation of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) in the brain and can lead to the formation of a cavity (syrinx) within the spinal cord. There are three main types of CM. CM1, the simplest and most prevalent form, is generally considered to be a congenital malformation, although acquired cases are recognized. It is rarely apparent at birth. CM2 and CM3 are more severe congenital malformations that are apparent at birth and associated with complex defects of the brain and spinal cord."

As you can see on my signature line I am diagnosed with chiari-0---or small posterior fossa----and retroflex odontoid in which the odontoid bone---(C-2) is tilted forward putting pressure on the anterior brain stem, and also partial blockage of CSF fluid posteriorly.

My POTS is not proven to be caused by my upper cervical spine/chiari related conditions----but most people who have this usually have some form of ANS dysfunction.

SURGERY IS NOT A CURE FOR POTS--------in oher words while the two conditions may have some connection---there is never a guarantee that surgery will make POTS symptoms or other ANS symptoms go away. AS someone who is familiar with both conditions, and has talked with many patients who have chiari, POTS or both, I have seen patients who have not had a complete resolution of ANS symptoms after surgery.
Some have even gotten worse.

There is always a chance that permanant damage can be done, and a person may only get partial relief of symptoms, and a few have gotten lucky and do very well after surgery------IT DEPENDS ON HOW EARLY IT IS CAUGHT----the earlier the better.

I also have scoliosis---my thoracic/lumbar junction curves inward too far----I don't think this relates to my dysautonomia, but it may be related to my EDS. It continues to get worse as time passes. The upper spine--(cervical)---and brain stem are have a lot to do with the ANS system.

One of the symptoms Dr. Bolognese---(with the chiari institute) told me to look for was more heart arrhythmia's------and since I have already existing brain stem compression, it could be a sign the brain stem compression/upper spine compression is getting worse.

I have met some Chiari patients that did not have any knowledge of POTS, but did complain of tachycardia/arrhythmia's, fatigue and other ANS symtoms, but were never officially diagnosed with POTS/dysautonomia. Chiari/ and upper spine conditions are chronic, and sometimes people need repeated surgeries-----especially if they have EDs. It is very important to go to neurosurgeons who are very expereinced with these conditions and have a long track record of sucessful surgeries.

I also have lordosis---------http://www.spineuniverse.com/displayarticle.php/article1438.html

I assume this is also part of EDS/scoliosis------

The only reason I may consider surgery is because of my worsening myelopathy----I don't want to lose my ability to walk. If I have improvement of my ANS symptoms---I'll consider it a bonus.

Julie :0)


Applicable to me or not... though better not... and hopefully not...

Also da antibiotics and anti-inflammatory meds

A few days ago, I saw myself going into da valley of da death de depression... 8-O

Misery...

Dissapation...

Hopelessness...

Death...

The end...

And... other blah blah blah otherwise not specified...

Then... the light ball went off... also... what it be like... the down time having something to do with the treatment for my abscess in the throat and tonsillitis?

Finally done with antibiotics and anti-inflammatory meds... and the body also seem to be in a much better shape...

On my way from the doctor's visit today, I didn't even have to think about how other people might be in a far worse-off state....

I feel fine... I feel happy... I feet happy...



8-O lol 8-X

To be honest, I am still PHD... pile high and deep.

Circumstances hasn't changed much except for my body is recovering much better from the 潰不成軍 of my immune system....

At the same time, I am eating now all different kinds of food though something does tell me to stay away from certain food... the kind of food that gives me the feeling that it would be too hard to swallow down... 8-O lol

Such change in the mental state... wow... I am surely impressed.... speaking of body and mind... 8-O

And, so commented my sis... "What if it is your mental health condition coming back?"

Well, at this stage, I guess... let somebody else do the worry for me on that perspective... so to speak... social loafing? 8-O 8-X lol

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Over a year too late 8-O

Just had an insight....

What I missed back in 2007 when trying to sponsor myself for a green card was this thing called being cited...

Finally got cited?  Over a-year too late.... 8-O lol

Isn't life interesting? 8-O

If only the time-frame for the diligent academics could be shorten from years to months... an opinion from a non-academic layperson.

Anyways,  da evaluator of my green card application gotta be a psychic and had it absolutely right... The way I am today... forget about the national interest of the United States... I am still trying to figure out how this piece of really beaten down kinda old truck is of any interest to myself... would take some really extraordinary ability to get it accomplished especially when I am a troubleshooter in beruf...  8-O lol

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Or else I can not... word processor

Life is funny...

It took me forever to come out from 2-3 words while, despite of the aches, pains and occasional moving problems, I was mostly healthy like a cow the entire time.

Today I am officially physically sick like a miserable doggie all over my body, the only thing that seems to be left working... relatively... my thoughts or my ability to process words.... at least at this point. 8-X lol sigh

Down time

When going to bed last night, this question came to my mind...

Could the meds for physical condition also have contributed to the down time of my affect if not more depressive state above and beyond the fact that... duh... I am simply wholly lethargic as per the warning of da anti-biotic?

Speaking of which... I have been on antibiotic since Nov. 28th and pain medicine since Nov 27th although I did take two days off from the pain meds for my cutting throat....  Tomorrow will mark the last day of the antibiotic treatment.

Funny enough, when I went to see the dentist, he mentioned something like...

"Well, you have been on antibiotics for all these times.  Your body is in the best condition."

Think about it... paradoxical yet no truer words.... 8-O lol zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Happy Codes

I walked away from my happy code after completing Happy Sixth Round.

Just like that.

If I remember correctly, at that point, in the end of October, after Happy Sixth Round was out, it felt like I hit a wall.

The codes.  Wonderful.  Done and over with it.  A bunch of words and inferences I made about my own account.  C'st ca.

Then, I started working and I worked myself into the hospital.

I came out.

Weak.  Discomfort.  Out of a job again because my body cried out loud could not handle it.  Felt aches and pains all over the places from head to toe.  Still on a semi-liquid diet.  Feeling sick sleeping too much and feeling sick not resting enough.  In this state... irritability sky-rockets and the last thing you want to do when sick is to get upset because it adds to stress and makes your physical condition worsen.

And... money... oh... money...

And... pursuits... oh... pursuits...

And... health... oh... my crappy health...

And... some other I can't even remember kind of oh oh oh...

So I thought... such meaningless and painful existence, how can I bear it... Life is worthless living etc.

Especially when I still could not eat much food solid... no steak, no tempura, no shabu shabu, no crab, no calamari, not even stinky tofu or hot water... no nothing....

And... more oh oh oh...

At some point, ... OMG... I am so depressed and I was overwhelmed by the useless and even worse... food-less life.

All seemed so passive... nothing up... all seemed down...

It was as if life was just gonna go downwards from there and on.... into the abyss of pure nothingness...

I thought of my happy codes.

Think of someone worse off... well... sounds good... Yet, too much into the PHD state... pile high and deep to be caring about someone else's mishap.

Be grateful... useless blah blah blah... what is to be grateful about concerning this state.  All cognitive processes occupied by grey matters....

Then, I thought of food... all the food that I would love to eat and I physically can't eat at the moment.... the painful thought of it....

This voice came to me... I have to get better and live to eat thems good eat.  And, this voice got louder and louder with its effect getting stronger and stronger... overpowering the other thoughts...

Ya... all else I have no control over... I can see in the not so far future that I can come back to eat hot spicy food for a change.  Amen.

So... from then on... each every day, I tried to eat something a bit more solid than the day before while making sure I don't over-stress my kaput throat...

Today, I saw improvement because I was able to put down pastry with very thin crust, grounded pork, bubble tea and noodles spiced with cilantro as well....

Why baby steps?  I don't want to go directly into food so solid that would cut the lining of my throat and see blood out of my mouth because I had done that when I tried to eat some kiwi fruit back a couple days ago.

Been there... done that... and... could do without it....

Then, it occurred to me again...

The happy codes provides neither a cure nor a prescription to getting better.

What it does is to set forth some potential benchmarks... some benchmarks that you might be able to look forward to.

It set forth some basic components of a recovery process while it won't tell you how the process would unfold.

It is grounded in a process model and makes no inference to a stage theory.

Should the codes be embedded in a book... the best structure would be how Barthe had it structured.... Lover's discourse.... all listed in alphabetical order including the classifications

It still doesn't work for me to think about how somebody else's life is so much more miserable today...

One day, and, soon, I hope, me such to appreciate.

And... perhaps... there is a reason why... by the end of October... happy codes went into a stall?  Such as... seeing how it could be applied in a new context independent of the contexts where the codes originate?  (Though... to be honest, God, I am really done suffering and let it be it.  Please?! And, shall you ask me why I add the later part of this post.. I guess... simply trying to make use of something otherwise uselessly painful?  8-O lol)

Misconception: Hospitalization

Been pondering about this thought since I got discharged from my very last hospitalization.

Hospitalized again?

Well, Gott Sei Dank... don't know whether it is a blessing or not...

This round I was leveled down... landed on the sixth floor rather than the only floor I knew... the 8th floor... coinciding with the lowered latitude of etiology.... from the head to throat and the tonsil.

I am still working really hard trying to perfect my skill in cutting da 25-mg seroquel into quas.  My mental condition seems to be relatively stabilized on such low dosage.... though... when stress level is high, the head does have its propensity to be acting out more.

I have to say, though, I did observe an increase of mental symptoms such as hallucinations, delusional thinking, irritability etc when I am sick to the extent that I could barely swallow solid food.   The mental symptoms seem to be worsen even more when having a temperature.

Thank God,  I am always ready to up my meds and so far... I am still on the 6 mg Seroquel diet.

Anyways, hospitalization to me has been... you get admitted, you get a bed, you get to move around in the ward, they give you a lot of meds, you see the doctor once in a while- complaining about things like your symptoms and constipation, other staff members are nearby to assist you, you can choose to watch a lot of TV or go to the programs they set up for you, you get to eat a lot- 3 meals plus snacks, most importantly, if you are good, one of the staff members will unlock the gated door and take you outside for some fresh air.... be it by St. John the Divine or the secret garden by the George Washington bridge overlooking Hudson River and the Jersey shore (wow... doesn' it sound really poetic? 8-O lol 8-X).  At the same time, even if you admit yourself voluntarily, you can't get yourself out voluntarily.

I didn't even know the above constitutes the script or mental model I have developed about hospitalization until this hospitalization.  And, it was not until this time did I get to identify some of the mind bugs I have about the thing called hospitalization.... though... I really could do without having to identify them mind bugs since I can do without the thing called hospitalization... period. 8-O lol

Some of my understanding remains true such as the following:


  1. you get admitted, 
  2. you get a bed, 
  3. you get to move around in the ward, 
  4. they give you a lot of meds (I was on IV for 4 days with scheduled updates of antibiotics and anti-inflammatory stuffs above and beyond the pain killer)
  5. you see the doctor once in a while- complaining about things like your symptoms and constipation, 
  6. other staff members are nearby to assist you,
  7. At the same time, even if you admit yourself voluntarily, you can't get yourself out voluntarily. 

The following, though, didn't seem to be true:

First misconception: "you can choose to watch a lot of TV or go to the programs they set up for you."  Wrong, TV wasn't on my floor and it was pure inconvenient to move around with the IV

Second misconception: "you get to eat a lot- 3 meals plus snacks."  Wrong. Forget about eating... I was on a liquid diet and the first 2-3 days, I could hardly swallow the pills.  Not to mention that even the swallowing of my own saliva was too cut throat an experience to bear.

Third and the most mind bugging or dasein-zerbrechen misconception: "if you are good, one of the staff members will unlock the gated door and take you outside for some fresh air."  

What?  I can walk myself out of the hospital and can even take a leave of up to 4 hours as per the regulation of the health insurance? 8-O (Of course, provided that you can move your behind far enough to reach the hospital door.)

This can't be? 8-O Almost as shocking as I found for the first time that the body could move itself... (qi kinda thing...)

From the first day on, however cut-throat my existence might be and however lack of energy I was to even move myself half a block, I was determined to bring myself out of the hospital... everyday.... even if it means I had to take a seat a few times within that half a block... and even if I had to get right back to bed-rest right after the mickey-mouse distance of stroll....

Yes, I could do without this hospitalization and any other hospitalization till when I am 90 something years old... still could move, eat good food, and live a happy and relatively healthy life.

Yet.  Looking at the upside of this round.. and this hospitalization specifically...

It was a paradigm shift... and it suddenly broadened the horizon of my life... sort of how the onset of my psychosis had once done to my life... 8-O lol sigh

It was as if... the door is finally open... you now have the choice to stay in and to take some time out if you can....

It is something people might find it difficult to comprehend... so what? You can walk out of the hospital door at your own will.

Yet, those who have lived it... might find it resonating... for... what a great leap to go from needing supervision to get out of the gate of the ward.... forget about the hospital door?!  8-O lol

Friday, December 3, 2010

What have I done lately?

Since my last posting, what have I done lately?

I got a full-time job.

I brought my first car... though second hand.

I was getting ready to leave the job on Dec. 1st because I knew it was beyond my body's capacity but I kept on trying to hang on till the man to come.

Unfortunately, I was unable to hang on till Dec. 1st.  I all of a sudden was struck down sick since Nov. 27th, last Saturday, went to ER last Sunday and was hospitalized for 4 days for tonsillitis and abscess in my throat.  And, was on IV and a liquid diet for 3-4 days (no... not beer 8-O lol sigh).  Today, still mainly liquid though it is easier now for me to swallow pills... At the same time, due to my back condition, I haven't touched cold stuffs for over 2 years now; due to my throat condition, I can not do hot... as a result, my diet is restricted to liquid or semi-liquid above room temperature.... 8-Olol

Finally, I got out from the hospital yesterday and now I am back to home sick and unemployeed.  Time to get back to my Nvivo code. 8-O lol

Come to think about it... ain't like I haven't done the thing called work till I lose my health? 8-O lol

This old hen has to get back to bed rest a bit more... chow for now (chow... now I want to cry... I love food but can't eat no food... chow... ;-O lol)

On a second thought, so said the Chinese 是福不是禍,是禍躲不過.  You can hide but you can't hide.... essentially.... Perhaps, what has to come simply has to come and, other than having gone through experiences such as feeling a knife cutting deep down my throat every time I swallow my own saliva, am I not still in one piece anyways? 8-O

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Electromagnetic hypersensitivity (EHS)

I went to see my rehab doctor who also uses the Qi thing to monitor my body.

He suggested me to use 備長炭 to shield myself against radiation from the computer because I am hypersensitive to radiation.

I know I am very well-endowed.  I know I am sensitive to qi.  I know that every time I had an MRI scan my body will fall into pieces.  However, this is the first time somebody tell me that I am hypersensitive to radiation.  8-O

Came across this posting and the concept of Electromagnetic hypersensitivity (EHS), which absolutely reminds me of some experience I had earlier on in the year...

Home Wireless network:

My neighbors wanted to split the cost for my internet connections.  To save a buck or two, I set up a wireless network in my room so that they can share it.

After the neighbors were gone, I turned the wireless off and I had this feeling that something is "cleared."  Like what many others have mentioned.

Battery charger

I wanted to recharge my batteries and plugged in the charger.  When it started charging, I felt something strange... just wired and not very nice kind of feelings.  Afterwards, every time I charge the batteries, I will get out of the room, move away and some hang somewhere else.

TV

I used to be able to have the TV on in the background and do my thing on the computer.  I don't know starting from when... sometimes, I will have to turn it off and it will feel much better.

In addition, if I get too close to TV, sometimes, I will have to walk back some distance before I feel comfortable enough.

Computer

I remember vividly the day right before I went into the psychiatric ward the second time.

At some point, this voice must have told me to shut all electronic devices down... including the computer that locates right next to where my head is next to my bed.   (Bad thing... now it seems...)

My sister who also lived in Flushing came checked on me because my mom was worried.

I would not open the door.

When I finally opened the door and when she wanted to go online to check on some office work, I would not allow her to turn it on.

Maybe, she eventually got it switched on or maybe not.  Forgot already.

In retrospective, one thing I would say is... perhaps... my voices and delusions were right along the way? 8-O lol sigh

Cell phone

I am one of the last person on this planet without a cell phone and, to be honest, I don't really like handling cell phones unless necessary because there is something I could feel.

For all these years, my mother and everyone else has been trying to pursuad me to use a cellphone.  My excuse has always been... I am already in front of a landline and on the computer the entire day.  Why do I need a cellphone?  8-O lol

If I am really EHS, maybe this is a good thing that I followed my intuition and resisted the peer pressure? 8-O lol

Of course, there might be one day when I really need to get a cellphone.  At that point, guess I would have to really make sure I don't use it unless necessary.

When did it start?

Maybe I was born sensitive to begin with.  However, I suspect that it was not until the accident in June 19th, 2007 when the hypersensitivity got intensified.... guess... the change in the energy field might have resulted in some changes in the magnetic field in my body? God knows and.. whatever.... 8-O lol

So how am I dealing with using computer right now?

Before I get 備長炭, from last night on, I found this towel containing the ingredient called 竹炭, and I hang the towel right before my chest... sort of looking like what you do when trying to feed babies.... 8-O lol

Does it make me feel better?

I guess... sort of... regardless.

At the same time, another question I have...

If there really is such thing called Electromagnetic hypersensitivity (EHS), what it means is that Electromagnetic fields could have impact on people.  Does it mean the non-EHS are not affected by then just because one is not hypersensitive enough to experience its immediate impact?

Monday, November 1, 2010

Seroquel withdrawal

I have a theory-- a lot of things I experienced in the past two years have something to do with Seroquel... even with the qi theory applied...

Following are some of the physical symptoms I think might be related:
  1. Esophagus spasm, 
  2. Dry mouth: so dry that the walls of esophagus would stick together, 
  3. The never ending coldness coming out from all over the body, the head, the mouth and ears, nose, and ears at times
  4. The bouts of hot flashes... 
  5. The cycling between hot and cold... provided... not yet menapause 
  6. Sleep problems
  7. Shaking of the body
  8. Yawning and tearing
  9. Sneezing
The coldness and yawning thing I still can not shake after almost 1.5 to 2 years... I think... Hope I could shake the ice-age at yawn off soon...

A google search returns many results from patients going through similar kind of complain...

At the same time, apparently, many other drugs could give you similar kind of experiences.. legal or illegal such as cocaine.

God bless us all going through or having gone through the withdrawals or dosage changes of any.

Hopefully, soon we all shall see the light in the end of the tunnel just as many others who were also in the tunnel before...

Cold chills
http://www.wellsphere.com/bipolar-disorder-article/seroquel-withdrawal/790442
http://answers.psychcentral.com/Medications/seroquel-withdrawal-scare-1/
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090223/msgs/882869.html
http://www.crazymeds.us/CrazyTalk/index.php?/topic/9839-seroquel-withdrawal-can-it-be-done/page__st__20
http://www.topix.com/forum/drug/seroquel/TRH6Q95A8IBAFRLTN/post801

Yawning
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/Excessive-Yawning-Eyes-tearing-w--OC-W-D/show/410365
http://www.drugtalk.com/seroquel/drugthread.php/t-701100.html?highlight=

The hotspring of Beitou 北投露天溫泉

Yesterday, I went with my family to 北投露天溫泉 or the blue Sulfur hotspring (青磺泉) of  Beitou... to 泡湯...

Theoretically, blue sulfur hotspring is supposed to be good for  skin diseases, gout, and muscle aches.

Nice place to hang and economical... 40 Taiwanese dollar for general admission... less than 2 US dollars that is... public bath, though, meaning... you share it with everyone else...

You have a good 2 hours to spend in there.  It should be sufficient amount of time since it is commonly suggested that one should not stay in for over an hour.

Personally, every time I sense it is over the limit of my body, I will get out of the water and do some of my swinging thing on the outside.  Might look pretty strange to the others... yet... ain't like they are gonna remember me...

In terms of ventilation, impeccable ventilation provided since it is open air...

The only issue I see with this location is... the lack of disability access.

First of all, them stairs were scary... slow and steady... I was able to move myself eventually down and up.  Not quite sure how people on wheelchair could get in.... At the same time, for the dressing room... it would have been nice if they could set up a larger dressing room for people with special needs.

Regardless, a great place to visit for your health benefits and an entertaining experience, too.

At the same time, base on commonsense, hot bath in hotspring somehow should also be beneficial for the flow of qi... 行氣... and should be good for my body conditions. 

Can't quite tell you whether it helped... though I suspect that it might have based on . One thing I could tell you is that, even though the temperature of the water is much higher than the body temperature... in that kind of circumstances... I could still feel the coldness coming out of my body at points.... 

Slightly schizophrenic 輕微的精神分裂

Went to see the psychiatrist today...

Told him that I am on a qua of 25 mg...

"So little?" So he commented.

"Ya... so little.  Do I still need to be medicated since I am taking so little meds?"

"Do you still have hallucinations?"

"Ya.  They pop up once in a while."

"You still need meds.  Maybe you should go on with the whole pill."

"No... I don't want to because, on days when the qua is bigger... I am all zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz the entire day."

"You still have 輕微的精神分裂 (mildly or slightly schizophrenic?).  Keep your meds."

Walked out from the office... so I thought to myself...

輕微的精神分裂.... mildly or slightly schizophrenic?

Wow... isn't it so wonderful... only slightly....really nice...

I was all excited and I got home happily announce the news... except for... oops... other people seem to be seeing it differently... more or less like... "Oh... so sad... schizophrenia..." 8-O

Anyways, I am happy about being mildly or slightly schizophrenic as opposed to anything more than mild or slight.

I want to try my best to keep it mild and slight.... wishing for one day... when all symptoms could go into remission all the way till I stop kicking at the age of 90+ years old living a good life and in good health... 8-O lol

Whatever it takes... even if it means I have to let go all conventional pursuit in etc.


This is a perfect example why sometimes it is better to have less.... 8-O lol

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Fxck up v.s. normal: Quotes from Madness

Some quotes from Madness by Marya Hornbacher.

"My new therapist tells me that I don't know how to live without crisis. "  P. 249

"I've been a total fuckup.  I couldn't do a single basic thing that normal people do every day without falling apart or having a nervous breakdown.  Normal people just do things.  It's not a big deal."  P. 250

Who and what are normal people?

The therapist...

"See, the thing is, you've got this idea of normal that's not normal.  Normal people don't do everything  perfectly.  You don't have to do everything perfectly to be normal. "  P. 251

Then, what does it mean to be normal?

 "Your problem is that you're so used to being in crisis that your whole perception of yourself is as a fuckup, a permanent fuckup, never someone who gets to not be a fuckup, so you have to torture yourself and hate yourself just to be as good as everyone else.  You're having a hard time realizing that you're not a fuckup anymore."  P. 251

"But if you're not trying to be perfect, then how do you know if you're doing things right?"

"The best I can do is sometimes completely fail,"  I say...... "The rest of us do it all the time."

Bewildered, I wonder out to my car.

Nothing new under the sun

Speaking of there ain't nothing new under the sun...

The question of me coding my own words...

Thought of that before...

Thank God... someone iconic I could cite about methodology...

Don't ask me... go ask Frankl... 8-O lol

Dreams

"No dream, no matter how horrible, could be as bad as the reality of the camp."

-- Page 41 in Man's search for meaning by V. Frankl


Happy Six round (Why am I happy)

I might not be happy all the time but I make it my life's goal... the pursuit for happiness.

This posting marks the end of the never ending Happy Six round...

Why am I happy?(merged with why is it strange that I am happy.): In a nutshell... I am endowed with a few experiences unnecessary for ordinary people with some of which could be conceived as sort of miserable; since life's got varieties, might as well be happy since what could be the alternative... I guess?  8-O lol

Some examples in point format... what I can itemize for you:
  1. psychotic with delusions and hallucinations, 
  2. propensity for depression, 
  3. Anxiety attacks
  4. chronic pain, 
  5. physical and mobile disability, 
  6. can't use my head as in from 2-3 words,
  7. can't work, 
  8. can't feel, 
  9. losing a sense of self,
  10. motivation problems, 
  11. dosage adjustment of antipsychotic medication, 
  12. strange bodily experiences, 
  13. strange life experiences but still in one piece and kicking, 
  14. accomplished nothing, 
  15. invisibly disabled, 
  16. ice age... cold air won't stop coming out... especially from my mouth... God.... when is it gonna stop?
  17. sleepless with psychotic symptoms, 
  18. dry mouth, 
  19. spasm in esophagus at bed time leaving you wonder whether you might choke to death in your sleep, 
  20. ear-ringing like I am running a train station in my head, 
  21. the body jump around like a fish on cutting board when trying to sleep night after night
  22. money issues 
  23. not disable according to governmental regulations in the US and in Taiwan
  24. and... of course, immigration issues concerning the US
Ok... I know ain't like its all that much blah blah blah... and there are too many people far worse off...

Some references covering the above though not all of them...
Something about happinessA loving tripBirthday 3SpeedGratefulLoving IntentionsHappy New Year, pain, Ratology State Report, Assumptions, Time, Ground zero, Back to that lady, That lady, First Day back to work, Recovery, To feel, Suffering, Humor and Curiosity, Anniversary, The day after... 叫春時段From the utilities of 英英美代子: Happiness and fear, Lost, Wish for zeros, Lazy and/or invisibly disabled, House gone psychotic, Potion, Walker, What have I done lately, Insanity, Ain't no nothingAcademic pursuitsDial up vs gigabyte network, Life and gameReset again, Sidekicks, Crutch, Grandma's words of wisdomHarassment,  State, Appropriating real脫竅, So much more could have been done..., Another first time in my life..Be honest-- happy?CrackingMotivation, Phenomenology,  Ratprincess, to be even more specialMiracle, Love, terminal deathGod, Buddha or else?, Life and its unfolding: on extraordinary, Delusion of references: Part I, Dance to..

Niceness disease: Regarding others

As, somehow, I am coming out from the Niceness disease, these past year or two, I observed an increasing propensity for me to "involuntarily" speak out directly what I see, what I think and my ensuing reaction as the truth.

It also feels as if I have gotten into far more conflicts with people than I have in my entire life within such a short time frame.

This is why, at times, I thought to myself... maybe I should lock myself up till the phase past otherwise I would have had no friends left at the end... (speaking of voluntary institutionalization... 8-O lol ouch)

Amazingly, I found that a lot of people love me as I am and accept me as I am... whoever I am.

Back to da auditory form of verbal diarrhea, once I let it out to someone, it feels as if the pressure is released... leaving me only having to deal with the internal consequences.

There were times when I tried to keep it in... These were times when the upset would circle around in my mind... simply wouldn't and couldn't stop... even after a substantiative amount of time-out... It takes the verbal telling to let it go.

Such 口無遮攔 behavior at the extreme form... is more than having a big bad mouth.  So I have pondered... somewhat compulsive grade...

Of course, such might be the doing of dosage adjustment... a seemingly eternal process of upping and downing....

Such might be the doing of the psychotic symptoms whichever symptom it might be...

Such could also have to do with the sense of bodily discomfort... physical aches and pains as well as what I perceive as the flowing of qi...

At points I do wonder... perhaps, one of the reason why I could excape my psychosis not might have to do with the MO that I did not want to speak the bloody truths and I tried to pretend that I could simply let things go.

Well, in a perfect scenario, we all could simply take things in and let it out... like some people's superb digestive system I so very envy... they eat and they go to the toilette... wow... how nice... 8-O lol

People like me, unfortunately, might not have that gift and might, on the other hand, be prone to constipations.  Conventional sense of constipation, cognitive constipation... in this context... the take-shit shit can't get out kind of constipation until it PHD- pile high and deep... fomentation and fomentation... to the point of explosion... (oops... a bit gross here... 8-O lol)

Speaking of 沼氣不發無奈何.... (oops... too traumatic a scene)

I am not gonna BS you into believe that I have the best personality on earth... Duh... Who am I lying to...

Neither do I have the best temper.

However, as I have mentioned in the previous posting, I gradually came to believe that, though not all, but, a large part of my being nice could have been propelled by my psychotic symptoms... however bad it might sound and it might portrait me as a bad person.

Yet, I simply have to be honest to myself.

I want to be nice to people because I want to be nice and I believe I was born nice. (How come 曾子's 人性本善 sounds so strange in my words... 8-O lol)

I don't want to be nice because it was the doing of my psychosis.

Not because I am afraid how the entire world might condemn or praise me for what I have said or done (or not).

Not because I am afraid of how the entire world might be made known the unspoken thoughts formed or in formation in my head.

Being nice simply for a selfish reason.. being nice to the others makes you feel nice, too.

Now I learn or I am continuing to learn my lessons... the truth have to be spoken as the reality has to be faced with 100% authenticity and not be cumulated inside... and so on... provided.. to err is human.... though I shall refrain from erring (8-O is it even a word? 8-O lol)

However, please let me be nice because I want to be nice and please the phase eventually fade like all other phases I have lived through... beginning with minimizing the affected area.... while I go on conquer da can't-mind-my-own-business disorder as a broken back mountain. 8-O lol

(Some thoughts drafted in association with others.)

Happy Six round (Other)

Some how I got blocked with the "other."   Perhaps, all that has been revealed is but the separation from the "self"... or the deviation from the "self".  Once the zerbrechen emerge... there form the struggles and the ensuing efforts to bridge the gap...

For instance, paranoia is rooted in the existence of the "other" regardless the nature of the other.  Think about it... shall there be only "me" or the "self" and shall "other" exist not, you have only you to worry about.

When there exist you only, what might be the topics of the concern?  Fewer... I suspect...  Am I healthy?  Do I have enough food and nutrients to keep me alive?

It is the same reason why I felt scared when feeling the sense of self dissolving... an experience I can't really describe further with my limited words.

Also, the same reason why I try so hard to get myself from the unself zone... dreaming state, 2-3 word state, unable to walk state and all them otherwise mentioned but not specified here kind of states...

The reasons I work so hard to bring myself back... to bring myself back to what I consider as my "self."

Since it might not yet be time for the "other" to be looked upon in depth, I might as well simply push the basic descriptions.

In general, there is a sense that "self<->other" might be a dimension higher level than "What you can do" and "How could you think."

At the same time, what I am posting here is only part of the generation process.

Other

What is in it for the others? Some things have nothing to do with me. But other people's doing well could make you feel happy, too, unless you insist on otherwise... 
The delusional social justiceJohn DoeMy parentsI can't do it... God... why do you make me so wrong?EpisodeBeautiful PeopleChurchReactionsA good reason to smileRomanticAdult education- Mama at largeThe cultural perspectiveNiceness and diseaseBe honest-- happy?From the utilities of 英英美代子: Happiness and fearThe meaning of uselessnesWhyI didn't do it

People help thyselves
Beautiful People

How am I viewed? (Merged with "Other people's acceptance"): Issues relating to acceptance, the attempt to behave in a way that might lead to other's acceptance, the fear of not being accepted, the attempts to negate the acceptance complex
RatopiaEvilThe end of a new beginning, The Ratological BookNiceness and diseaseMy parentsMillion Dollar Baby, One thing at a time, You are my hallucinations and delusions, Delusional,

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Grades for my writing

Woke up from this dream before I start my ordinary sneezing attack...

Was reading the grades for my writing....

Content-wise... A, A- B+ or so...

In terms of grammar... D across the board... oop..

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Not bad writing

Haven't written in Chinese for almost two decades... tried to come up with a cover letter in Chinese...

Also... 傷腦筋... my brain boo boo....8-O lol

After I got the draft out, I gave it to the expert... mama who used to be a teacher in Chinese composition...

It took me something like 20-30 minutes to come up with the draft and... it has taken her almost an hour editing my writing... and still going on... 8-X

At some point, she made this comment... "Wow... your Chinese 造詣 is really good.."

All suspense dissipated.

"Of course..." I walked away all perky...

Take it as a complement even if she were comparing my writing to that of elementary school kids... such as my young nephew attending the American School in Taiwan... 8-O lol

歡喜就好

Everyday, I hear this song 歡喜就好...



Which reminds me of da 歡喜就好.... a song exceptionally scary to me when adjusting to 6+- mg of Seroquel... 8-X

Finally, as I thought to myself... might be the election season... popping my head out... I saw the car broadcasting the song... also... election season...

So I thought... interesting... gotta be something pretty traumatic... da end of Down with Meds era... 歡喜就好

A expert grade talent

All else I have not accomplished in my life so far...

I have expert grade talent in beating myself up... and really well...

Not trying to sound grandiose... but... I don't think I can find too many other people who can beat me up as well as I do... of course... in words... 8-X lol

Takes a whole of time and practice to reach this state though haven't reached mastery yet... 8-O lol

Why beating myself up?

In pursuit of a leveled field to be grounded as construction follows deconstruction after cleaning up. (Where did it come from? Don't ask me. Whatever... 賈雨村言.... 8-O 8-X lol)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Staying with my parents

I am staying at my parents' place after back in Taipei...

One sentence describes the strange situation called staying with my parents...

We drive each other crazy.  8-O lol

Happy Six round (How could you think)

(The is the second part of Happy Six round.  See link for the more info on how these codes come about and the restrictions: Happy Six round (What you can do).)

"How do normal people think" remains to be a question to me from then or even before... and the normal people I asked can't quite tell me how they think.... might have something to do with the strange question I asked... "How do you think?" 8-O lol

The only thing I could do is to figure out how I think... I guess... 8-O lol

The following codes are associated with thinking patterns.

I wanted to retain the original code "Ordinary stuffs, to emphasize how impressive it is that we can perform the ordinary things that we do.  Yet, since there is too much overlap between Appreciation and Ordinary stuffs, I eventually merged the two codes together.  The emphasis, I guess, would be placed in the description "the most minute stuffs."

How could you think?
  1. A cliche... I am my worst enemy: The good new. You have 24/7 total access to conquer yourself. 8-O lol
  2. Appreciation (gain, regain) (merged with Ordinary stuffs): Find the gain, regain and ungain in the most minute stuffs and be appreciative and grateful about them.
  3. Been there, done that.  Don't need it no more.... perhaps...
  4. Don't take it too serious.. especially yourself.
  5. Focus on love and loving thoughts: people you love and people who love you, loving images and things that make you happy
  6. It's only human... (Just don't stop there): Call God bad names though I would not advise, want to leave some money to your family, complain, not enough money, the wanting to beat-somebody-up moments
  7. Nothing so grand to kill thyself for
  8. Preferences: You can chose your preference such as choosing a worldview dominated by happiness grounded in reality.
  9. Something will come back: The not so good phase will past, something better will come back... Be reasonably positive because I never promised you a rose garden. 

Following are the codes and the linked source files which will provide more detailed contexts.

How could you think?

Annona atemoya Hort 鳳梨釋迦

Today I tried out 鳳梨釋迦 (Annona atemoya Hort) for the first time...

It is sweat like 釋迦 but can't be easily peel off like 釋迦... At the same time, tasting sort of like guava...  It is so huge that... half of it is almost enough for the entire meal.

Both mama and I thought this is another invention of the almighty Taiwanese farmers....

It was not until when I was looking up the English translation of 鳳梨釋迦 did I realize that... 鳳梨釋迦 (Annona atemoya Hort) is the hybrid of cherimola and Annona squmosa and it was developed in Florida way back in 1908.

Don't recall that I have seen this fruit in the US... unless...

Possibility 1... I thought what I saw was ordinary 釋迦...
Possibility 2... sort of like possibility 1... you don't see what you don't know...

Then, even more strange revelation came out as I was looking for the translation of the traditional 釋迦.... for the past 30-40 years, I thought 釋迦 is a native product of Taiwan... only to realize just now... it actually is 阿斗子... imported to Taiwan from Latin America by the Dutch... 8-O