Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Delusion and context

Something else to share with you since I am still awake not doing too much...

In textbooks, they talked about how delusions are dependent on the contextual background such as one's cultural and religious background (if I recall it correctly.)

My friends always make fun of me about a specific theme of my delusions and hallucination, which involves me conversing with God or the higher power as one might put it.

What usually happens is that, when I am getting ready to fall asleep, I would let go of all cognitive control and let whatever delusions or hallucinations to come out and do their thing. This is often the time, as well, when God or anyone else comes out to converse with me although I do hear them any other time of the day.

In my ordinary day in New York City, I "know" the God I converse with is God we often refer to in the western society.

I have told you that, when I went back to Taiwan last time, instead of hearing God talking to me, I "knew" it was Buddha who was preaching me. (speaking of code switching even in delusions and hallucinations... 8-O lol)

In recent days, I have been listening to audio books such as Odyssey and Iliad, which make a lot of references to Greek Mythology-- in other words, there are a lot of gods and goddesses.

Then, one night, after I was done with Odyssey and when I was getting ready to sleep, the voices came out again... and I realized...

Man... Jove was talking to me and made some references to Gods....

And, I thought to myself... Roman equivalence of Greek Mythology inside a Taiwanese head in New York City?! 8-O lol

Could you sense the flatness?

I am now more on the flat side and, when typing out what is in my head, I also feel them words pretty much flat like me. (At the same time, I do feel fine...)

I wonder whether you could sense it or not?

Or, perhaps, that is a good example of why self observations could result in problematic data.

5 stairs

When going to the post office today, I found myself now capable of climbing 5 stairs up and down without resting...

Just when I was absolutely marveled by the speed of recovery, it occurs to me... some stairs seem to be steeper than others... Could it have something to do with it? lol

In addition, recently, when climbing up and down that hill, I try to not rest on the cane (holding it in the air).... perhaps that might have also helped to strengthen my legs.

Unfortunately, just because I now could do 5 stairs without resting doesn't mean pains and spasms have gone adios.

Which leads me to wonder... when would they eventually become the remembrance du temps perdu?

--- the same question I have been asked too many a time....

Self observations

It has been officially a week since the dosage of Depakote went down by 50% to 250 mg.

Granted, I am becoming much more alert and less flat. Yet, the head still doesn't really move the way I would like it to...

Reading remain to be a task too strenuously... and make me feel as if I were to develop a tension headache.... (or the alternative hypothesis could rest in the diagnosis of "conversion disorder" etc? 8-O lol 8-X)

Since it doesn't really feel all that nice for me to keep my head in a vacuous state, as I have mentioned before, nowadays, I dependent mostly on audio books or listening to lectures to push information into that air head of mine.

An interesting thing I observed in myself is that... the sense of impatience has found its comeback. I guess this might have something to do with the affect department.

When listening to Homer's Iliad this morning while doing some photoshopping, I came across this chapter read by this gentleman at an "exceptionally slow speed" (as perceived by me) while I knew my head now could process more information that what was fed to me. The given frustration led me to find out that Windows Media Player allows you to change the playing speed and I ended up started to listen to all recordings at 1.3 times of the original speed.... and, of course, cut down on the amount of time it takes to go through each book.

At some point, I thought to myself... it would have been nice if I also could find all the research paper and writings I intend to read in audio format... call it the adaptive technology for people with my kinda learning or cognitive processing impairment, if not disability.

There are fleeting kinda hallucinations running around at times. However, the occurrences are relatively rare... Under the assumption that overactivities of my symptoms often equates to more effective and efficient processing of my head, I actually asked my head whether it is possible for it to spare me a bit more positive symptoms at times.

Regardless whether it was my wish being granted, these two days, my hallucinations and delusions have been telling me to "quit smoking." lol

Another hallucination that has been hovering around is the word... "Ratology."

Such is my status report on a head-somehow-doesn't-move-again day. 8-O lol sigh

Tuesday, April 29, 2008


Sometimes when I see or think of some of my cohorts, especially those in the psychotic department, I think I am lucky and extremely lucky.

Although this is a constantly process of adjustment and readjustment, using my sister's word... "You are like any other ordinary people...." (see the Ratopia posting)

Another interesting perspective of my clinical experiences is that...

I don't know what is wrong with me (although I do know there are many things wrong--- literally from head to toe lol 8-X).

I can't help wanting to keep my head up and keep looking to see the beautiful and bright side of life and human soul.

That seems to be some kind of survival instinct that either makes me or makes me think I am lucky.

Please check the picture depicting, in light, joyful, my multiple personalities or split-heads with my alternative "ego" (ESL pronunciation of eagle-- that bird in there). 8-O lol

Niceness and Disease

I was laughing my head off when watching the TV program "House" last night about "Mr. Nice Guy."

In this episode, House thought this patient of his was sick due to the extreme degree of "niceness" he exhibited. His students, though, thought it was too far a stretch to be claiming someone to be sick simply because he was a very nice and pleasant person. Throughout the program, they came up with all different types of differential diagnoses, from syphilis to the final answer of "parasites."

At the end of the show, after the patient started to receive the treatment for the parasites, the Mr. Nice Guy started to become sort of not so perfectly nice... While he started complaining about the food his wife brought to him, the camera took a close-up shot at the expression of the soon used-to-be Mrs. Nice Guy... (in the kind of terror that reminds me of A Nightmare on Elm Street...)

What makes this episode of so great an impression to me is the concept of "Niceness" and "Disease."

Personally, for me, the more severe my psychotic symptoms (e.g., delusions) are, the nicer I become. On the other hand, the less severe and less drugged out I am, the more departed I am from the point of extreme niceness (perceived by myself).

If you ask me why?

The reason is simple.

Delusions and hallucinations make you feel that people know your each every move and thoughts. If it is your psychotic propensity to wanting to be nice, you will try to do everything possible to keep away non-niceness. When I was most aka "crazy," I actually might have been in the nicest state of mind

For instance, during the height of my second major psychotic episode, it was my delusion that, to be Buddha, I had to suffer for the whole world and to forgive all deeds. At that point, I could not help feeling empathic for all, regardless whether they are nice, ungrateful, or mean to me. As a result, even if I am facing the worse of the human nature, be it delusional or in reality, I could not bring myself to blame people for being mean, evil, purely awful or, essentially who they are.

I actually would go so far as to wish that my forbearance could be of some help to these (in retrospective) not so nice people-- to make them feel more happiness, see more beauty, expose to more light and, to pull them up form the scary swirl of darkness fed by pains and agonies in life.

As my condition became better, under the influence of high dosage of Seroquel and Depakote, I continued to be a person much nicer than I actually am-- understanding, empathic... you name it.

Then, at some point, after I finally got off Depakote, which tends to make my affect really flat, I finally grew back to be a not so nice person, who has emotions, who gets annoyed, who shows frustration, who is capable of not being empathic all the time and who has the guts to tell people off.... essentially to be like normal people more...

I remember vividly to date that day... sometime right after I got off Depakote and when I was talking on the phone with that ex-fiancé of mine who ran away with his Bali girl with grass skirt...

We were talking about something.

I must have felt that, in our discussion, we were running around in circle like a doggie chasing after its own tail...

Perhaps we were talking about Taiwan.

Perhaps that idiot was telling a Taiwanese that Taiwan should go back to China.

Then, I must have showed my impatience and MEOWED at him at the strength of a thunder that could wake up that sister of mine in deep sleep.

So said Mr. Jackass in Arizona... "Would you consider getting back on Depakote?"

And, he must have added something like, "I think I prefer you on Depakote..." (speaking of the loved one as an image) 8-O lol

Much later, there must be at some point when I either had fewer symptoms or I was just sort become used to those ordinary kinda delusions of mine. (Believe me, it does make it easier for me to think of not so positive thought or make comments not so angelic when I do not have a firm- as opposed to loose- belief that someone else out there could read my mind-- delusion that is.)

During those times, I could MEOW even more, think of fair thoughts (as opposed to either nice or bad), or, simply feel comfortable being in the skin of my imperfect and flawed self.

Then, there came this recent acute psychotic episode again.

If one has read what I have documented in my old blog Down with Meds, it shall be fairly easy for one to identify the unfolding of similar modus operandi.

It has almost been a week since the dosage of Depakote is cut down to 250 mg.

These two days, I am finding myself to finally regain the motivation to multitask... for instance, burning data on CDs, scanning pictures and listening to Iliad in audio format.

In addition, I am also observing in myself a heightened level of irritability manifested as being not so nice when I am not a walking zombie.

The funny thing about the episode of House about "Mr. Nice Guy" is that... how timely... what an analogy...

While mental health professionals might say... all observations might be an indication of irritability associated with the entrance to the manic state.

Mania? Perhaps. It ain't quite matter as long as no shopping spree, no sexual promiscuity as a result of the increase sex drive as an indicator of the manic phase, and taking no other riskier behavior....

Or, could it be just the revelation of my congenital imperfection as a human being?

God(s) know(s).

What I know is that... this feels more like me as I could vaguely remember… or, perhaps, simply like me.

In addition, House got it right at the very first sight concerning the association between "Niceness" and "Disease" (shall we subscribe to the disease model of mental disorders).

Monday, April 28, 2008

Thou hast thy test failed not

Thou hast thy test failed not

So I heard...

Could they be... Sirens of ratology? (and wonder whether it would work for me to use wax to seal my ears to protect me from my alternate heads or multiple identities?) 8-O lol

Last night I failed the test

Last night had I one of those dreams
Tests imposed upon me
Failing failing failing

For many of them dreams
Lack of preparation

For some of them
Like the one I woke up from this morning
I dozed off in my dream
waking up finding it to be the end of the test
only then to be awaken again

So I think...
So I must think and feel
My life so far

So I think...
What if I could wake up next moment
finding it all but a dream
finding it to be the morning of June 19th, 2007
taking a different chair to sit on during the meeting

Would I still struggle to stay awake in my dreams?

Only if pain I read

To myself so I thought

Only could I on pain to read
Not to feel

Only could I words to read
Not to hear

Except for as of today
Resolving to audio books
for such I could comprehend
for text recognition and comprehension capacities yet to be regain

Only... when?


I finally sort of finished listening to the century long poem of Odyssey by Homer.

I use the word "sort of" because, at times, I would keep on replaying the recording while still not all words comprehending... possibly resulting from the combination of my ESL and airhead state of mind. lol

After listening to all the adventures Odysseus went through, in the final chapters, we finally encounter Ms. Odysseus or Penelope, who never cheated her husband, again...

And, after I am done with this 28-book-long poem, I found myself marveled not by the heroic acts of Odysseus, rather, quite annoyed by the fact that...

Yo... it ain't quite right to expect Penelope to live a sexless life for 20 years plus bringing up a son while Odysseus could have years-long affairs with either mortals or immortals?

No wonder Penelope ponders in the picture, "Why on earth do I..." 8-O lol

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Multiple personality disorder?

When I first got released from the psychiatric ward, one night, I was sitting in front of my computer doing God knows what...

There came a point in time when my voices all came out as me trying to encourage me and I could feel that they seemed to have originated from different parts of my head... left, right, center, front and back... you name it.

It is as if my meta cognition is listening to all other parts of my cognition speaking to myself.

Essentially, what Is told mes is that, together, Is or we will make it through the time and Is or we will be fine.

My MPD lolSo, I was sitting there all drugged out by the meds in addition to the symptoms... experiencing whatever was to be experienced.

At some point, I thought to myself--- "Gees, do I have multiple personality disorder and now all the personalities are out to play?"

Then, it came to me, "Which part of the schizo- (phrenia, affective disorder) don't you understand?" lol (The Greek roots schizein means "to split" and phrēn, phren- means "mind"-- split head that is)

Or, maybe I should just settle for my MPD? 8-O lol


I have been trying really hard to increase the number of steps I could climb when going up and down the stairs.

For the longest time, I could only do one stair at a time, be it going up or down.

Then, after the weather started to get warmer and my walking got better, I found myself to start having the "stamina" to climb up or down the stairs 2 stairs at a time before having to rest my body.

Then, another day, 10 months after the spinal injury, I made it to 3 stairs... and I thought to myself... That is nice.

Only to realize yesterday that.... "Oh, my god! Did I just push that extra step to go up the stair?"

Now my maximum record for stair climbing is 4 stairs up at a time!

How would I have imagined that, one day, a fourth step could be considered as some kinda accomplishment in my life?

So, shall you ask me, who is in a relatively useless state of mind and body, what my most recent accomplishment is...

That fourth step up.... or down...

How could it be?

This is the forth day after the dosage of Depakote is down by 50% to 250 mg.

In other words, I shall still be fairly psychotic and, with the decrease of the meds, there should be more signs of delusions and hallucinations.

Unfortunately, with only 200 mg Seroquel and 250 mg Depakote and a bit more than 2 months after I came out from the psychiatric ward, symptom-wise, I am finding myself doing much better than I have ever been, possibly, in the past 5 years.

There are hallucinations and delusions at times. However, they are like ships passing in the sea and occurs rarely.

In addition, at this point, I am still feeling flat most of the times although I could be more engaging in conversations now when needed. Based on my writing, I also think my head is moving more...

So, when I was staring into the street, smoking that cigarette to wake myself a bit more up, my psychiatrist's question and mine arise.... "How could it be?"

Two months time is long from one to recover from a cold or even a flu.

Yet, two-month time is relatively short for an institutionalized-grade of psychotic episode.

It is not natural... this speed of recovery....

It is not normal... so soon, again, feeling so overdosed.... having cut down Depakote from 1500mg to 250mg within 2 months time?

Are there now positive symptoms I am failing to identify or recognize?

Are my dopamines now getting to used to hanging on the beach?

Or, else, how could it be?

The funny thing is... it is more scary now not being able to locate the adequate number of symptoms than any other conditions.... 8-O


Sometimes I wish that I could write up a story for you.

This could be a love story that could move someone with a heart of stone.

This could be a story about how one's will could defy all odds and constraints.

This could be a story about the power of man's belief in the light he seeks.

However, my current state of mind and my inadequate writing affords me not a story of substance to offer.

Then, it occurs to me that through ebay, I have communicated people from all different part of the globe while some of them shared with me their own stories in simple words.

There is this lady who retires early due to her back injury and the consequential onset of major depression.

There is this lady who lost her job and went on disability because her back injury and nerve pain.

There is this lady who had, maybe 17, surgeries in her cervical spine. The pain is so bad that now she has a pump installed in her to ease up the process of pushing pain killers directly--internal...

There is also this lady who has been struggling with depression and finds comfort in crafting.

Just when I am feeling sorry about my inability to tell the story the way I like it to be....

It occurs to me that no story could ever be of any substance without the amalgamation of all stories and the readers' thoughts.

Such a thought is comforting...

Story telling is not solely my job after all....

Saturday, April 26, 2008

From sleepless to-- to live

It is funny to experience sleeplessness again last night.

As I have mentioned earlier on, all drugs I take affects the traffic of neurotransmitters and could help to kill pains, be it anti-inflammatory (Naproxen), antipsychotic (Seroquel), mood stablizer (Depakote) or antidepressant (Zoloft).

I tried to get of Naproxen for two days last week and found the pains started coming back... As a result, chicken shit like me got back to Naproxen again.

Then, there came the time to lower the dosage of Depakote... from which I am still adjusting.

The most annoying thing about the resurrecting pain nowadays is that... after being numbed all these times, this bad tooth of mine finally is coming up to haunt me with the thing called "tooth ache."

It might have something to do with coming back of the nerve pain at the cervical area.

Or, it might be just the poor tooth is now really getting sick.

So, last night, I took all my drugs and tried to fall asleep fast to get ready to my early morning shift at work.

Unfortunately, I tossed and turned and turned and tossed--- just couldn't fall asleep with the annoying tooth ache reminding me of its existence moment by moment.

I, then, decided to take an Aleve and went back to try to fall asleep.

Alas, the aching thing is gone. Yet, my head was still wide awake and clear as clear could be.

Lying there, I could not help thinking about those sleepless nights of delusions and hallucinations.

This round, despite some sentences I heard from an acquaintance, I did not really experiences too many of the positive symptoms. The only problem was I could not sleep.

It could be the tooth ache that was driving me crazy.

It could have something to do with the dosage.

It could also have something to do with all the tea I drank at dinner.

At some point, I found the relief from Aleve was fading off and I was painfully sleepless.

It was, then, when I got up and took one of the tranquiler Clonazepam.

It was after then did I finally fall asleep.

Then, I made it to work this morning... except for Clonazepam was still asserting its power during the majority of the day and made me extremely drowsy if not "sleepy."

To keep myself awake, I, of course, have to resolve to coffee, cigarettes, and anything that could contribute to "sugar high" to make it through the day.

Guess this is why I often ponder that all things I do to live kill me. (The ratological definition of paradoxical intention lol sigh)

Friday, April 25, 2008

miserable kind of funny

I don't know how many times I have talked about the things I have to go through when adjusting medication.

Since it is the time of change again, I might as well bring it up again.

Right now I am taking 200 mg of Seroquel and 250 mg of Depakote as opposed to 200 mg Seroquel and 500 mg Depakote. The decrease of meds started two nights ago.

I had used a pill cutter to cut the 500 mg pill in half although I often end up with unequal halves... Yet, since they all will be taking by me, doesn't really matter since it will all balance out I guess.

The half of the Depakote I took last night was the bigger half...

Coincidentally, I felt more on the flat side in the early part of the day.

Then, I forgot what time it was...

At some point, I started yawning, eyes tearing and nose running.... uncontrollably...

Someone asked me whether it was the allergy...

I did not want to lie and replied with something like... "just some peculiar thing in my life" while I know....

Those are the classic symptoms of withdrawal... such as the withdrawal from drugs such as Depakote.

So, after I got off from work, I went and did my walking and hill climbing routines.

There was a point, when I found myself yawning, tearing and sneezing while having to rest on the cane to let the spasm coming down through my legs ease so as to keep on moving.

I thought about it... and I said to myself... "this is so very absolutely miserable kind of funny..." lol 8-O

Then, I kept on moving....

Thursday, April 24, 2008


Perhaps there are more than the feeling of life I regain
down time
my verbal diarrhea through my blog

[40 steps]

With the meds down
so resurrect the pains
over the days of loud silence
Now I could walk over 40 steps again
though still with cane

Last time I did 40 steps...
In Fall
Before the first time I attempted to return to work
Enduring pains marked "don't look back"

[My words]

They say
In the beginning, there was the Word
Partially regain
Meaningles words of mine own
Once lost

Sentences and paragraphs yet to be found
I know
They Shall Come


On my way home
Red light stop me in the middle of the road
A chance given
Beautiful tulips to examine

The sunshine casting on the greening trees
The motion commotion of what I failed to see

Sitting on the bus
I felt happy
Even happier feeling my ability to feel happy

Be there choices or not
I thought
I live to be happy

Squander such not
You who have the choice

The implications of 250 mg Depakote

The day I took 50% or 250 mg off the dosage of Depakote...

For the night yet has to fall and the outcome yet to unveil.

The adjustment
A process
Unfolding in time

Today again
I see light at the end of yet another tunnel

Van GoghA cover letter I drafted for a position I seek
Accomplishment of the day

Although more time it would take
Texts to read
In format other than… audio

(I guess it does take more cognitive processing to read than to hear)

Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam

La Forza Del Destino

Guess in life
you could run but you could not hide

La Scala


On my way to work
at the bus stop
the market by my side
people rushing out of the subway station into another day's bright daylight

I suddenly realized...

Oh.. God...
Over night
My head less tight
I am now undead for I feel life

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


Saw my shrink today.

Something has to be done about the medications.

The shrink indicated that I am making it too dramatic and what I am feeling might have something to do with my wanting to have the dosage of my meds lower.

I told him that I have no idea why things are going on the way it is, be it too much drug, too few neurotransmitter activities, or negative symptoms.

The only thing I know is that this is not living and it seems I am doing worse off now than when I was locked behind the doors of the psychiatric ward-- wasting my life away doing nothing.

Why the dramatic change in affects, motivation level, and the immovable head etc? God knows and, at this point, I don't have the bandwidth.

So, they took my blood to do some tests twice today—to check the chemical levels.

Tonight, the dosage of Depakote will go down to 250 mg with Seroquel remains to be 200 mg.

Am I scared of the return of the excessive symptoms? Yes.

Yet, I don't really fancy to be a living dead, either, particularly.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Potato Head

In point format:
  1. flat affect
  2. amotivation
  3. a bit of depressed
  4. detached or disconnected
At the end of the working day, I realized that I got a potato head... both firm and soft inside with nothing but white matters entailed inside of the skin.

Since the head can't quite move, I listend to the classic book by Homer, "Odyssey." Of course, since the head doesn't quite work, I am also not quite sure how much is retained. Yet, at least give the head something to work on... 8-O

Sunday, April 20, 2008

3 more days to go

It is getting more and more annoying having to deal with the slower and slower state of my head.

Not wanting to adjust the meds without meeting with my shrink first this round, I am counting day by day the remaining number of days left till next Wednesday.

Some of the side effects I observed:
  1. Amotivation
  2. Tiredness
  3. Slow in the head
  4. Sort of depressed

Being over-drugged doesn't mean I am free of positive symptoms.

I still hear people speaking to me in my head and have the belief that it is the person talking to me although, at the same time, I am aware that it is my delusional thinking.

Sometimes when I am really tired or feel in lack of energy, my head would take care of the business by itself--- represented as someone else helping me to make the decisions and carry out the actions.

In addition, I, at times, would have psychosomatic kind of experiences manifested as squinting, stretching, etc while such bodily experiences are interpreted as someone else controlling my body (my consistent delusional belief) and resulted in these experiences.

My oh my... am I not so exceptionally crazy... lol

So romantic!

I took my mama for an outing today.

When we sat there having some snacks, mama brought up this topic again saying something like, "If there is any man who likes you, you should get married. However, it's gotta be someone who is capable of taking care of you."

I replied, "Ya, it would be really nice if, when we are in our 80s and 90s, we could keep each other happy company." (ya, somehow, nowadays, the most romantic thing for me is for people to grow old together... 8-O lol)

Mama said, "Gotta be now and why would you wanna live till 80s and 90s?!" 8-O

My jaw almost dropped and said, "Why don't I live till my 80s and 90s (retirement age in my mind) if I still have functional teeth to eat, could still move around and my mind still functioning?" lol

At the same time, I thought to myself, "Isn't it strange that all that I want now is someone who could accept me as I am. Why is it so difficult for me to find a husband?" (and I guess it might have something to do with my peculiar characteristics... lol)

Then, we moved on with some other topics.

As we were strolling down Broadway later on all peacefully, we, all of a sudden, heard this loud noise and we found two people yelling at each other.

Looking closer as we passed them by, we realized these two might be a couple in their late 70s fighting up a storm on the street by their car, attracting attention from passers-by.

I don't even recall who made this comment first but both my mama and I were laughing our heads off....

Apparently, the companionship between mature couples might not be as peaceful and calming as I had imagined... 8-O lol

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The implications of love

I will not and dare not compare the experiences of being psychotic to the sufferings experienced by people who were in concentration camps. However, looking back, the following quote by Viktor Frankl offered the best description about, why I did not do anything harmful to myself, when I was in the direst state of psychosis where some patients might take harmful action in reaction to their delusional belief.

"The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way — an honorable way — in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment."
------Man's search for meaning by Viktor Frankl

Or, for instance, in Apocalypse, all is lost for all... leaving me along to live.

On a second thought, it is really crazy for me to be totally cuckoo while my actions and beliefs were in line with how Viktor Frankl had put it... 8-O

At the same time, it does amaze me that, although my body is broken into pieces due to the injury to the spine, I have, so far, and, knock on wood, come in and out of major psychotic episodes without a scratch... owing to the loving contemplation of the beloved, possibly.


Could it be the meds?

I am tired most of the time and, at points, even feel tired of life.

Then I see flowers and the greening of the used-to-be bare branches.

Then I think...

So many a bare branch turn green and so will I be regenerated.

disconnectedness or detachment

Last night came to me an insight
again in disconnectedness or detachment
the state of my mind

A friend I know too well
A friend I wish I could let go of

When the head fails to start

When the head fails to start and
tightens up like a rock

t's the best time to watch the passers-by
strolling up and down the block
to imagine
or, at least, to feel
what it be like
void of my head status

And I thought...
the meds have to come down
waiting for Wednesday to arrive
impatiently I count second by second
tick tock tick tock

Such is life---
when the head fails to start and tightens up like a rock

Friday, April 18, 2008

Quotes from Viktor Frankl

I decided to revisit a book I think I read over a decade ago... although I am not really quite sure whether I really read or finished reading this classic then.

Beautiful writing I have to say and I dare not even dream that, one day, I will have 1 % of his mastery with words.

Following are some of the quotes I really like from Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl:

  1. The salvation of man is through love and in love.
  2. No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute honesty whether in the similar situation he might not have done the same.
  3. There is only one thing I dread- not to be worthy of my suffering.
  4. No one has the right to do wrong even if wrong has been done to them.
Audio book through New York Public Library

Thursday, April 17, 2008


It is true that we have no control over many things in life.... so I heard in my head today. 8-O

Yet, although meanings might not be like the holly grail in Spamalot that could be found and remain unchanged, it is within our reign of control to keep on searching for the meanings granted by our experiences.

Then, when I was waiting for the bus this afternoon, it occurs to me that... perhaps, the reason why meanings could not be found and could only be sought... due to its co-constructive nature... such as from Viktor Frankl's words to my understanding...

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

No change

My shrink called and thought we should not have the dosage of my meds changed.

Yet, this sense of immobility in my head is starting to feel like it's been eternity...

Sort of annoying though... however romantic it might sound...

We slowly drove
He knew no haste

Especially when He refers to death but I am moving along with the trip of life. 8-O lol

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Free association

When the mind is stall
thoughts no where to go

Dopamine lining up
the strait fails to cross

Free association
No more

Fountain of Speech
Desert Thought

Yet alive
Ships passing in the sea

How could the mind be stall?

Timing and missed opportunity

Just finished booking my flight to go back to Taiwan...

Since my mama wants me to travel on the same flight with her back home, I tried to look up the cheapest fair for the flights.

The thing is... I found this fare and decided to book it.

However, after clicking on that submit button, the page just kept on loading and wouldn't stop....

I finally called up the support hotline and told the gentleman about the problem I was having.

Eventually, the response he gave me was... the price must have gone up by a good 50 dollars (and as I had put it to my mama, "More than how much I had made today." lol) right between me finding the fare and clicking on the submit button.

Since there was nothing he could do for me and since my mama wants me to take the same flight, I looked up the new fare and completed the booking.

I gotta tell you that I didn't feel too hot about having to have no sense of agency at all in the whole flight booking scenario.

So is my story of timing and my missed opportunity.

BTW, I find the following website really helpful if you are interested in comparison shopping for flights and welcome to Taiwan!!

The importance of errors

AR5211.sys error

A good friend of mine asked me to check on his laptop today because the system often crashes when machine tries to connect to the wireless network.

When we first met up at a cafe, we turned on the computer and tried to replicate the error... unfortunately (8-O), the computer was fine... no blue screen of death lasting for seconds only....

Since the computer was doing fine, I could not find anything to trouble-shoot about... we bid farewell with my comment... "Next time you want to ask me out, just give me a call cuz there is no need for making out excuses...." lol

Later he came back because, at a different hotspot, the computer crashed again... and, this time, he was able to provide me with the info that "AR5211.sys" was part of the error message appearing on the fleeting screen.

We both did some googling and were able to locate some information about the AR5211.sys blue screen error associated with his D-Link DWL-G630 wireless card. (see link) If my understanding is correct, it was suggested that one should remove the existing driver before installing the newer version of the driver.

In preparation for his arrival, I went to the D-Link website and downloaded drivers for all three versions of DWL-G630 wireless card.

When we met up again, I finally got to see the fleeting blue screen of death... Unlike the other blue screen of death I have seen, this one appears for seconds, shuts down and automatically restarted the computer.

Since the laptop is a bit slow at starting up or when loading profiles, and, it doesn't really give me a chance to disable wireless connection before it crashes, I had to take the wireless card out in order to install the new driver....

After the installation of the new driver was completed, the system required a reboot... thereafter, the blue screen of death appeared no more.

Interestingly, I don't know whether it is my imagination or not, although it is the same wireless card, after the driver was updated, the card seems to have more difficulties receiving the signals from the network we were stealing bandwidth from or to connect to the network.

I eventually was able to connect the laptop to the network and got on to the Interest. I also restarted the machine a few more times to ensure the crashing does not occur again....

One thing we know now is... at least, at that specific crash site, the laptop crashed no more...

Then, my friend asked me this question...

"Why did the computer work fine with some wireless network but crash with others?"

"I am not sure but it might have to do with the protocal" or standards (e.g., 802.11b, 802.11a, 802.11g, 802.11n)

I don't know whether that screen will appear again in another hotspot... one thing I learned today is... just because you can't replicate the errors doesn't mean it is false report... lol


It was last few weeks when all of sudden, at work, people complained about having trouble installing this software called SPSS.

It was very difficult for me to tell what the problem might be since I myself had not experienced it.

I, then, started this mission of trying to recreate the errors so as to troubleshoot them.

On the first machine, I uninstalled the previous version of the software and tried to install the newer version.

I placed in the installation disk, the installation window appeared, and, I clicked to install the program.

The first time I tried, nothing happened.

I tried one more time, two more time and n+ more times. Nothing happened.

So, to cut the story short, eventually, after I might have restarted the machine many times later, I finally saw this windows installer screen appear briefly and, with its disappearance, no new activity.

Moreover, every time things came to a stall, I could click on the installation window attempting to install the program... only to find the windows installer screen appearing and dissapearing with no new activity.

So, I went through the same old same old repetition many many times... and started to become more and more impatients.

Then, at some point, this new screen appear which prompted me to provide responses...

Just when I was about to do so, I realized that... the second, third, fourth, fifth,... n+ similar screen all started to pop up on the computer... bringing along the error message that another instance of installation has started and I shall cancel the current activity.

So, I went through in total 3 computers to finally come up with the solution for the problem:

Turn off Virus scan software temporarily

Click only once on the "Install SPSS" icon and do nothing until something happens although it might take up to 5-10 minutes.


I love looking at those penny stocks I had purchased in the pre-dot-com-bomb era.

There was once upon a time when these stocks were full of promises although, today, they might still have their potentials- unrealized. lol sigh

So, at the dinner table, mama and I were talking about the stock market and the economy.

One thing she mentioned was the hype about or potential of the telecom industry...

Thinking back at my relationship with the telecom industry, I can't help laughing my head off...

There was once upon a time again when all analysts saw a Rosy future for the telecom industry. Everybody was laying down fiber optics, including those Spaghetti in the sea. It was expected that the growth of the internet would result in the boom of the industry.

As a result, I jumped on the wagon, like many others, only to catch the reality of the dark fiber age, where much of the fine fiber was never turned on and the stock prices plumped from, sometimes, triple digits to single digits or less.

I haven't had the chance to pay much attention to the market since the bomb except for at the end of the year or during tax season annually.

Every year at around December, I would log in to my account and look for the biggest losers to sell so as to become more "tax-rich."

Then, one year, I decided to sell my share of Qwest communications instead of other ones because I had lost enough in it and it was involved in some sort of vicious bidding for another company. I sold it because I was afraid that the company was going to go out of business given all the circumstances.

It was not until much later when I was in Phoenix and when I realized that... chances are, that company would not go out of business because hearsay said that the government has investment in it.

When looking at the stock history of this company, I thought to myself... at least I seemed to have sold it at around its lowest point in history. lol sigh

Of course, like everything else in life, all investment transactions have their intrinsic risks and the appreciation of the risks involves help us to decide whether we are willing to take the risks and their consequences.

Since nobody is perfect, I highly suspect there would be anyone who never made a misjudgement on investments.

Some days you will find yourself debating whether you should take the loss and run and other day you might feel like to hold your investment for a bit longer to see how it would go.

Some days you will regret not to be able to buy at a lower price while other days you will regret having sold your investments immaturely.

Some days you will happen to invest on the future Berkshire A while other days the-next-generation Berkshire A in your eyes might end up becoming penny stocks (which might eventually turn into Berkshire B after you sold it for pennies... lol)

There are also those days, when your judgement has nothing to do with the value of your investment, such as the days of boom when any stock you pick will give your portfolio a boost or those sad days of bomb when there was anything any single individual could do.

I think, such experiences seem to teach me that...

Sometimes, it might be better for us to learn the apparent lessons (e.g, do your studies) and put the regret on the shelf till it starts to attract dust. It is because, things happen for a reason and you never know, in time, what the lessons might unfold... (Although such thoughts might only be applicable for those who trade rarely like me....)

Like, today, years after, I heard my mama speaking of the telecom industry and its potential again.

Perhaps, the timing was just wrong before. God know, maybe this time those expert analysts might be right about their predictions.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Flying away

In second life, Ratprincess still flies.

In real life, I can also fly...

These two days, I have been checking out the flight tickets going back to Taiwan to receive treatments ... only to find out that the price has gone up by almost 100 dollars since I last checked...

So they say... timing is everything....

So the song goes... I believe I can fly... except for, I guess, I will be soaring before I could run through that open door... 8-O

In case you plan to travel, if you could, try to avoid high and peak seasons and book your flight at least 1 month or 3 weeks ahead of time.


I also often ponder whether people actually think the concept of psychosomatization as a romantic one although there is nothing romantic I see when it is applied to me... 8-O lol

The reason why I use the word romantic is simple.

Following the doctrine of psychoanalysis, one could easily see my inability to move as the manifestation of my inability to move towards goals I have in mind... be it green card, employment, etc. The inability to obtain these goals makes me feel stuck and, talented as I am, my mind actually could create spasms to stall my movement.

In other words, it is all about what is hurting in my heart... man, isn't that romantic?

I also often thought that, if there is anything that had really driven me into the cuckoo's nest and contributed to the real manifestation of psychosomatization in my condition, it would have to do with my love for people and how much I care about people, including their potential perception that my condition is all psychopathological kinda psychosomatic and starting from that Dr. Conversion Disorder or that Dr. IME 25 bls....

In this perspective, my physical condition could be perceived as the manifestation of a self-fulfilling prophecy, except for the prophecy I eventually fulfilled is what other people might have wished for (beware what you wish for and ... lol). My love and care about people is such much that I can not bear the thought of their plausible dreams not coming true.... oh, no can't do...

As a result, I tried my best and from the bottom of my heart, although unwittingly, turned myself psychosomatic and into a case of conversion disorder to fulfill people's need for a sense of fulfillment . Of course, such a modus operandi might also have something to do with my collective cultural background and interdependent self-construal.... (Or, is what I am doing... social loafing? lol)

Such a degree of love and care... isn't that romantic?! xoxo lol

Sea Of Love - The Honeydrippers

陳雷 - 風真透

陳雷 - 欢喜就好

Flower II

After my last posting and when I got back to the other office, I found a huge lot of beautiful flowers by the desk...

So I though
the power of persuasion
again unveils
through wireless network

What a coincidence again... lol


On my way out to work, I saw that beautiful rose by the window pane...

The one I bought for my mama on Saturday.

Well, I guess I bought it because I felt guilty about telling her that young people need to have the chance to live what young people's life could be, except for the words might not have come out quite right out of my mouth.

Mama did hear it and mama did react to it...

Sunday morning when we were having our breakfast, mama told me, "You are actually really lucky to have a good mama like me."

I replied, "I never said you are not a good mama. You are a good mama."

That was the end of the story.

After breakfast, I took the rose mama placed in the kitchen into my room and left it by the window pane.

So, just when you might expect me to start elaborating on how forgiveness is the essence of true unconditional love, I found myself thinking about the funny coincidence that I could not get off my head....

I was sitting there enjoying my oppositional defiant behavior... sipping my strawberry Margarita quietly letting the voices playing in my airhead on and off as usual.

At some point, I heard the voice saying something like I should be good to my mama blah blah blah and "Buy your mother flowers to apologize" (and, of course, you could say this was my superego speaking to myself).

Then, all of a sudden, I was told by someone in carne in osso what I was hearing in my head-- buy mama flowers. 8-O

The funny thing is that... it seems really natural and nothing extraordinarily strange about such coincidence....

On my way home, I bought the rose, I thought about the coincidence and I went on living my ordinary abnormal life as usual.

Such is the story of a rose-- the flower, for mama, I bought.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Run-on sentences

I like to write run-on sentences for the sake of liking doing it.

Then, it was yesterday when I was forced to read other people's run-on sentences did I realize how awful it felt to read run-on sentences.

That made me feel bad about my run-on writing style.

Yet, when I came back to my blog, I found myself back to writing those sentences running on for thousand miles.

I, then, thought to myself... like what they say, you can't teach an old dog new tricks and people don't change... (or could there be changes)?

Rolling stone preferred

I am really tempted to call up my shrink and tell him that I want the dosage to be lowered again.

Having been on 200 mg Seroquel and 500 mg Depakote for 1 week now, my head is failing to run although it does walk, I guess.

In addition, I don't like the feeling that it is all concrete inside of my head and I'd rather there be rolling stones I guess.

Signifcance level

The call I received somehow reminds me of this concept of "statistical significance" and "significant results."

So I spent a good amount of time trying to figure out what the concept of "statistical significance" has to do with the unfolding of life's story.

I tried really hard to do the free association thing but kept on experiencing blockage in unveiling more revelations.

When I decided to take a smoking break, I realized that I again, perhaps, was trapped in a local minimum.... while, today, the brain doesn't work too well and I might not be able to see where the global solution might be...

And, I thought... the processing of finishing my dissertation was one that converted me from a significance addict to one seeing the significance of insignificance.

[Begin Dissertation]

My dissertation might have the fewest number of statistical significances in the history of all dissertations or you could all it the dissertation of insignificance of all time.

When I started, I had wished to come up with a piece of work that could look as beautiful as any other work I have seen in journal articles... essentially, with "p<.05" everywhere in the result session. Unfortunately, despite all my efforts, I just could not see any consistent statistical significance in the test results. After analyzing and reanalyzing my data gazillion times, at some point, I decided that enough is enough and I got rid of 2/3 of my data (ok... sounds like cheating). With only 1/3 of the original data, I finally found some consistency in the test results. Unfortunately, the majority of these results did not reach the statistical significance level of p<.05. So, I went back to my adviser and I told him something like, "Now I finally got consistent results for my study except for I didn't find too many statistical significance in my study." And, I guess, both of us agree that the most significant finding is that, somehow the model I was trying to test just doesn't work with the interface I have designed. [End Dissertation] Then, recently, I am helping someone else analyzing his data. Similar scenario occurred with his data set where the numbers we got from his data are not as beautiful as what we would like it to be. During my meeting with him, all of a sudden, the results he got reminded me of those I obtained in my dissertation and I heard myself telling him, "Just because you do not get statistical significance or high correlation doesn't mean the findings are not significant. Significance is about how you choose to make interpretions about your findings and to elaborate upon them. Such is what I have to say about the significance level. Please find following the paragraphs I drafted in local minimum. 8-O lol

[Begin Statistical Significance in Local Minimum]

In academia, papers need to have statistical significance in order to be accepted for publications by journals. Statistical significances are also one evaluation criteria for dissertations shall the study involves some kind of "stats".

The need to find "statistical significance" for the hypothesis being tested does make sense because it is a simple way to filter out studies that do not tell us too much about any thing.

At the same time, just because something reaches statistical significance, it doesn't mean the results are of any meaning.

However, just because a study does not find too many of the statistical significances, it doesn't mean that the study results are deemed to be insignificant in all capacities.

Statistical significances themselves could only offer little information and they are only as important as the amount of meaningfulness we are willing to assign to them or to become attached to them.

It, then, occurs to me that... such phenomena could be observed in the everyday life.... Take the egocentric me for instance...

  1. There were so many a time when I thought, if I tried harder, I would be able to beat the odds and keep the relationship together. (similar to statistical insignificance since they all are jackasses now)
  2. There was once upon a time when I wanted to be someone significant, be it a guru in usability, an expert in forensic or any other kinds of psychology, etc. (similar to statistical insignificance since I am no guru in no nothing)
  3. There was also once and not to long ago when I wanted to prove to the world that a psychotic and neurotic (although a friend of mine told me that I am the least neurotic person she knows) could amount to something. (similar to statistical insignificance in real world and statistical significance in my delusional world, which means nothing to nobody... lol)
  4. Then, there came a time when I wanted to prove to people that it is not conversion disorder that is solely responsible for my pains and mobility problems. (similar to statistical significance for people who still thinks it is all but psychosomatic or conversion thing; yet, what could you do about it? lol)
  5. And, of course, to this date, I am still struggling to test out whether psychotics could make use of their cognition to cope with the side effects of their cognition. (similar to statistical insignificance considering I went into the cuckoo's nest; yet, similar to statistical significance since I think I am coping pretty well... lol)
[End Statistical Significance in Local Minimum]

Husband criteria II

I got this phone call from this old neighbor in California again today right after I took my mama to eat some seafood pasta and mushroom ravioli.

It was a very funny phone call because, apparently, she is now making it a mission to find me a husband... something my parents have given up on...

Her questions helped me to further elaborate on the criteria of my husband:
  1. Doesn't need to have a doctoral degree (since I have no idea yet what I have been doing with that doctoral degree of mine)
  2. Hard working
  3. No bad habit such as drugs, gambling and otherwise not classified (cigarettes and social drinking permitted)
  4. Have a stable job
  5. Divorced is fine
  6. Having children is fine
  7. The maximum acceptable age difference is 10 somewhere around 5 is more preferable
  8. Not too sorry looking

Saturday, April 12, 2008

local/global minimal/maximal

I have grown to be really intrigued by the concept of local minima recently, partially has to do with this class I am reattending as well.

In theory, the ultimate goal of all analyses is to reach a global and to avoid local solutions.

For instance, if you consider the graph to be a function of some variables, sometimes we will come to a point when we thought we have reached our destination while the ultimate solution is yet to be found.

This makes me feel really sad for local minimum and local maximum... 8-O ....

It is because I could not stop thinking that--- without the contrast of local solutions, how could we appreciate the global ones (while, of course, it might be advisable to keep in mind the existence of global solutions)?

At the same time, for all the issues I have been blah blah blah about... be work, green card, relationship, mental health, physical health, death and or else otherwise not classified... if I use seperation anxiety as the framework to understand them all, I bet death would be the global solution and all other topics would be the local solutions.

Although the local solutions might sometimes make me feel like a dog chasing its own tail or a chicken running around without a head, it is through the local solutions do I live my life for all that the global solution could grant me is but the state of death (which, for me, might still be a state that is a bit too boring and doesn't seem to be too nice)... 8-O

On the other hand, it does make sense, too, in life, to have a focus on global solutions and place not so much focus on local solutions...

For instance, going along with Viktor Frankl's line of thinking provided I am interpreting it right, it is not until one come to truly accept death as the global solution could one let go of the other minor annoyances in life and focus on living a life.

This reminds me of the times when death was here and there and everywhere for me. It did make me feel like the most important thing is for me to live, except for-- while Viktor Frankl might have reached the true understanding of what he meant, I was just pure crazy... 8-O lol

Since I got nothing else to share with you about... such is my free associations about local/global minimal/maximal (solutions).

Productive day

I think I have a very productive day today, striving to be imperfect or to do something more exciting.

At the beginning of the day, I was still trying to be good.

After a certain point, I started feeling life really boring being good in a fine day like such.

Since being good adds no fun to life and although I have no idea what I mean by being good, I thought to myself... umm.. gotta do something different.

In powerpoint format following are the things I did in addition to finishing evaluating three papers:
  1. I filed my tax and finally mailed out all the receipts to get reimbursement for the visits to my shrink... oops... How procrastinating...
  2. I told my mama to go bar hopping with me because I sometimes have to live a life like young people do... oops... How impudent and ungrateful...
  3. I gave Mr. Cute Bartender my blog address and asked him whether he was gonna ask me out for a cup of coffee... He said never... oops... How embarrassing...
  4. On my way home, I bought my mama a rose for what I mentioned in point 2... oops... How cheesy...
Most important of all, I went to the bar and drank a good glass of strawberry Margarita as a chaser for my smoke... cuz the attempt to play modest is something driving me even more insane while, by default, I am what you might call--- crazy.
And, now, all that have been said and done... I feel productive and happy.
:-) lol 8-O


The word estimation contains only 10 characters. However, gazillion algorithms have been developed for the purpose of it... in statistics, for instance, under-estimation and over estimation are two of the known problems I heard repeatedly in lectures.

I had always thought that I am a tough grader... based on an estimation I cooked up in my creative head about the grading pattern of the other evaluators.

Yet, after I was evaluating three papers for a conference today, I accidentally clicked on the link that allowed me to see the review of other reviewers, too.

It was not until then did I realize that--- if there three types of judges, namely, tough, soft and medium, I am actually in no way close to be a tough grader and I might actually be considered as a soft grader despite my belief that I am tough on giving scores (at least in this context). In the future, I might need to shift the grades I assign a bit to the left as the correction mechanism while making sure I am not over doing it.

I guess, in life, there are so many a time when it is inevitable for us to make estimations. Take me for instance, I am in constant process of estimating the state of my mental health condition (although much of times, the process has turned pretty much automatic for me) and the progress of my physical recovery. It could be also general like the estimation you have to make about whether it is going to rain later given the fact that it is overcast and the humidity seems to be fairly high.

Sometimes the estimates might be relatively correct while, other times, estimates might be fairly wrong. Some estimations are of more severe consequences and others less while it is still dependent on your perspective to decide what the concept of severity entails.

Like the estimates about my mental state and how much longer I could endure the symptoms without upper the dosage right before I went into the cuckoo's nest (despite the fact that I did realize then the error of my estimation might be really huge.)-- I would say the severity of consequences is sort of in the middle range.

Regarding the severity of the consequences for the estimates you make about whether it will rain or not, it would be fairly much dependent on whether the pouring rain resulted in the water damage to your laptop or only got you sort of wet.

It, then, occurred to me that...

I was both luckily and unfortunately able to find evidence to see how off my estimates could be. If I have had realized the consequences of certain scenarios, I might have performed self-corrections at an earlier stage of events.

Yet, I guess, sometimes, the process of self-correction gets delayed because we either do not realize all is but a process of estimation we are engaging in or we might just be unaware of or forget the severity perspective of consequences.

The question to ask would be... how could we prevent the delay? Or, do we just have to wait for the time to come for the process to be launched?

Such marks the thoughts I have about "estimation".

Friday, April 11, 2008

So long

A good friend of mine loaned me his printer many a year ago... and, today, I am still fairly dependent on this printer.

Actually, for many a year, I did not really use that printer until the beginning of my ebay venture late last year.

A problem I encountered was... the quality of the printout was fairly awful...

The texts were all blurry and all printouts came out with gray-ish background.

For me, there are only two possible reasons why the printout came out so sorrily...

1. Printer is sick
2. Toner is running low and sick

After I took the toner out and cleaned up all parties sometime last week, I realized that the quality of the printout did get a bit better temporarily... then, it went back to the same old thing. This made me suspect that it might be the toner that is approaching its expiration date.

So, I put in the new toner today and, voila, the problem is solved and what a relief that the printer is still healthy.

Then, I thought to myself... like many other things in life, I should have done this way back ... what is taking me so long?

Close encounter

After the injury to my spine, many a time had I had really "close" encounter with "cars"-- meaning having cars flying pass me and missing me by inches.

The first time it happened, if I recall correctly, I was crossing Broadway heading towards the main entrance of Columbia University. At that point, I still could not really lift my feet from the ground and was moving on a "sliding scale."

It got me a scare.

As time goes on, similar events kept on happening--- not I intend to be hit by cars but I do have to cross the road once in a while.

This afternoon, I took a break from work... thinking I could manage the short distance walk OK, I came out to for my fresh air without the cane. Then, I decided to go get myself another cup of coffee from the truck across the street to wake me more up...

After I got my coffee and before crossing over, I stood there to examine whether the traffic condition is permeable for the cane-less me to proceed.

Seeing no cars in sight in both directions, I tried my best to move myself forward...

Then, when I finally got to the middle of the road, I felt, again, a car must have missed me by inches.

I did stop but I did not even bother to look for that car.

After the tightened muscles were more relaxed, I safely moved myself to the other end of the road and lit another cigarette.

When I came out for fresh air the next time, I unconsciously or consciously took the cane with me.

The time after, I tried again-- going my own version of distance on my own two feet.

Such are the story and consequences of my close encounter.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Head status

If one sees me, hears me talk and reads my blog, one would think all is working fine.

At points, I would even think that all is fine with me, sort of, cognitively.

Then, it came to my realization... I have no problem retrieving things I already know and I, of course, have no problem with "creative thinking" as evident in my proliferate positive symptoms.

Yet, it is possible that... in addition to having more limited amount of available cognitive capacity (as evident by the propensity to experience cognitive overload), I seem to still have difficulties retaining new information or remembering things, which could also be a manifestation of the capacity issue.


I think my brain is working extra slow today...

In addition, I am starting to feel that the world surrounding me to be sort of unreal... the what you might call the disconnected kinda feeling.

If this goes on for another day or two, I might really need to speak with my shrink about lowering the dosage in light of the existing positive symptoms.

My blog and I

One good thing about blogging is that I could interpret things the way I want to without having to worry about all the requirements academic papers have to meet.

The bad thing about blogging for me is that I am not focusing on publishing journal articles that would put my real name on the map of academic publication.

I guess, just like everything else, decisions have consequences and it is dependent on you to choose the perspectives to take.

Since I think I still have a long time to live and to write, maybe, other types of writing, I am pretty happy about my experimentation with blogging and what I have learned for myself through it so far...

Think about it... how often do you see people blogging themselves till the day before they go into the Cuckoo's nest? lol (although I promise myself it won't happen again. :-X)

No comment

Yesterday I made a posting telling people to make comments.

I was hoping I would at least get a comment stating, "no comment" or "I take the fifth." However, still no comment which sort of make me feel sad... 8-O

Having comments or not is not really the issue itself...

The sad part of it is that what I have to offer remains to be of no use to the others while most of them are now mostly useless to me.

Perhaps, some day, the documentations might eventually be claimed by someone, just like the craft items I have been auctioning off on ebay.

Be good

I don't know why but people seem to have the tendency to tell me to be good... even when I am absolutely bored by the feeling that I am being really good. lol

That makes me feel like to scratch my head and think... Um... how have I been bad...

lol 8-O

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Magical message lol

After the above posting, I went to do some entertainment therapy called TV watching...

At some time, the TV program disappeared and the blue screen of my DVD player came up...

I looked around...

Mama on the Internet.

Remote control sitting there remotely with no one controlling it.

I looked more carefully, all puzzled, at the TV, VCR and DVD player.

Apparently, somehow, the VCR got turned on without my mama and my contribution.

Knowing that the DVD signal actually came through the VCR to my TV (how it is hooked up), I went over, powered the VCR off and got back to TV watching.

A while later, same thing happened again...

I looked around again...

Mama still on the Internet.

All the remote controls sitting quietly behaving themselves.

I thought to myself, "Man. How does this happen again..."

This round, I went to grab the remote control of the VCR that was lying peacefully there.

I turned the VCR off again using the remote control, which gave me back my TV screen.

Then, I thought to myself...

Gees, this would be the perfect incidents for me to be generating some delusions.

Could it be some people have the magical power to turn on my VCR remotely?

Could it be some you-know-what reading my blog and trying to respond to my request for comments for my blog?

Could my mama's attempt to rearrange the junk in my room resulting in the signal failure for the monitoring devices planted by CIA, FBI or the Department of Homeland Security? lol

Yet, I could not help thinking--- did someone living near by me just get a new remote that mistakenly controlled my VCR?

Or, is it a signal that I should be actually watching the movie I borrowed from the New York Public Library? lol

The strange thing about my head is... psychotic as it is... it doesn't really care and just finds it really funny. (seems like it is not doing its job 8-O lol)

How I dealt with it...

Thought I might want to mention to you how I dealt with the scenarios in the above posting...

I won't tell you how other people might react under the given circumstances.

The only thing I could tell you is that I held on to the thoughts about how much all these people love and care about me.

That's it.

Anyone reading?

Three concepts people should have gotten so far shall they have been reading my blog...
  1. Illusions: I will win a Nobel peace prize with my verbal diarrhea lol
  2. Hallucinations: This voice pop up in my head saying, "You have to calm your head down." You just hear them voices and you don't really need to believe in them.
  3. Delusions: I believe someone else is staring at the screen through my eyes right now as I am typing.

The assumption here is that... someone really is reading...

Anyone reading? Or why do I never gotten those comments kinda thing? If you do, please post a comment-- even to say hi is fine.

On the other hand, it does make it easier to write to have, at least, an imaginary audience.

Separation anxiety

This separation anxiety topic occurs fairly frequent during my visit with my shrink.

Apparently, given all the green card etc kinda issue and the pending permanent departure from New York City, it does make sense to address this separation anxiety thing.

Then, after class today, as I was inching along trying to cross Broadway, I thought again...

Um.. I must be insecurely attached as a child as a result of my mom's health condition and this insecure attachment pattern must have been the cause of all my failed relationships and inability to find a husband... etc.

In other words, I didn't do it... it is all my mother's fault shall there be any sign of separation anxiety in any context or the exhibition of insecure attachment pattern... (while poor mama is in the background diligently trying to rearrange my room... 8-X lol)


So, I thought to myself... oh, lord, how I have suffered and, dear mama, why can't you understand how much I am suffering because of you.

Then, I thought of how Roland Barthes had eloquently elaborated on all those sufferings that young Werther (The Sorrows of Young Werther or Die Leiden des jungen Werther) had underwent for Lotte.

Essentially and if my vague memory is correct, all the suffering was in Werther's head and Werther himself was the source of his suffering.

The matter of the fact is that... the above reminds me greatly of my aka sufferings as a result of my positive symptoms (e.g., delusions and hallucinations).

Take the sleepless nights for instance, actually, it was more than painful to believe that mishaps happened to all those I love and care about because of me.

While nothing in reality had happened, in my imaginary world, I had to kept on believing that those bad things did not happen to them, or, even so, they would live.

In my delusions, the stories are not always straightforward. It is more or less like what you would expect from the storyline of Kafka's writing.

[Beginning of the loop]
I would be in one point hearing and believing that some people are "gone" and, shortly, hearing and believing that they are still alive although sustained some suffering or all but a hoax. Just when I thought that things should be fine with them now, new incidents would occur and scenarios along similar themes would occur and reoccur.... while, inside of me, I constant underwent the real pains associated with the bereavement of losing the ones I love and care for.
[Ending of the loop]

In addition, those who meant the most to me were the ones who sustained most suffering in my delusions and, as a result, causing the most suffering in me... while all was but in my head and these people I love and care for had nothing to do with anything with the soap opera running in my creative mind.

For me, all that I could do, at some point, was to hold on to the thinking that all will be fine with them all.... until, at some point, I finally felt asleep briefly.

And, guess, this is what it means that love could drive you crazy... lol sigh

Just when...

OK... Let me be an awful daughter. Yet, I have to say that...

I think it is true that, nowadays, my dear mama is my biggest stressor...
(and sorry, all the parents out there, this is a child's talk...)

It seems like there is always something wrong with something...

Just when I think I am walking more steps and making progress, I heard she said, "You have to get better." Oops...

Just when I finally found time to take her out for a walk during the day, she complains about how things are organized the way they are in my room and would not want to get out....

Just when I was trying to let her at least get some human interaction with people other than me, she walked away at a speed I could catch up not....

Then, when we were about to get some bread and my aching body made me stop, she was not happy and said, "Then, go home."

Of course, just when I was about to say anything else, it occurs to me that...

How could I make her understand?

And, more importantly, why can't I just explain to her in words why I do the things I do in action or vice versa?

I guess, sometimes, we are just to afraid to face the other parties' reactions--- just as we don't want to feel hurt, we don't want to hurt those we love as well.

Or, maybe,
about it,
I shall try to,
with her,
although it would be really awkward

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

The cultural perspective

I just want to share with you that concepts such as the interdependent/independent self-construal or collective/individualist cultural norms and alike would be an interesting perspective we could use to see these two postings (and some others).

Although I grew up in a more collectivist culture (Taiwan), I spent my adult life in north America where the cultural norm is supposed to be more individualistic. In other words, taking a dual-self perspective, both of my interdependent and independent self-construals should be fairly developed.

However, what I am observing in my thinking, I find my interdependent self-construal to be much more dominant when my mental health condition is in a worse shape than when I am just ordinarily abnormal.

On the other hand, the constant desire to living in the mountain, caring about no one and nothing but myself seem to be fairly independent of me (unless my interpretation of the concept is incorrect).... sort of interesting....

Since there is no pre- and post- test using a valid instrument to measure the change of my degree independent/interdependent self-construal (or concepts alike), the only thing I could tell you is that...

Based on my personal feeling, I do have stronger feeling that my happiness and suffering are dependent on those surrounding me (those who I love and care about).

Because I could not...

Because I could not stop to live on with my life
I offer to you my verbal diarrhea
As I slowly stroll
I attempt to capture some traces
Wishing someday someone could do something about it
For such could I yet not

Ears hurt hurt

I think I have mentioned this to you many a time but it doesn't hurt to mention this one more time.

People might think that auditory hallucinations are all in the head but the matter of the fact is that...

When there were a lot of voices constantly talking in your head, 24/7, you could still end up with ears really hurt.

After I discharged from the hospital for my second episode, I continued for a good few months very very delusional and had a lot more hallucinations. After a while, I found my ears started to hurt, not because too many people talking to me but because too many voices I heard through out the whole day.

My naive guess about such experiences is that, although I am sick in the head, in order for me to hear them voices, some part of my "ears" might be involved.

Such would be the eary manifestation of psychosomatization, or things along that line.

Problem or dilemma

It is wonderful that my dad could talk with us anytime for free through skype like what we just did for the last hour or so...

Yet, after a while, I started to have this sensory overload kind of feeling and I had to go out of my room to seek some moment of quietness.

Then, I realized that, my ears-- physically--- hurt from listening to all the conversation....

This is a problem or more of a dilemma for me nowadays that makes me feel really bad.

During the day time, I would be out at work or in school while mama is home alone.

I think, because she doesn't really get to talk to anyone during the day time, she could keep on talking through out the night, which makes it really difficult for me to rest my head and my ears.

And, then, I thought... but what didn't I feel so overloaded when we were out and about? Didn't I just take her to the bar the other day?

Then, it occurs to me that... I didn't really need to process a lot of information because she didn't talk too much and the degree of loudness was actually within my comfort zone at the bar... lol

Or, maybe, it is the combination for me needing to constantly process external input (her conversation) at a high frequency (the number of things she talked about within a given time frame) for an extended duration that makes me feel overwhelmed or cognitive overloaded (while loudness might also be a contributing factor).

Then, I thought to myself...

Maybe I am going to start taking her to work with me and taking her out for a walk everyday after work.

I am bored

Some time in the afternoon, I thought to myself that "I am bored."

I don't particularly fancy the feeling of bored.

It is sort of like... I don't see fun in the things I do...

In addition, when trying to see whether there are other things I could do to be unbored, I can't really see any thing interesting either...

Then, I pondered... is this sort of like the feeling of being amotivated?

In addition, it seemed like it was not too long ago when I complained about being bored... although that seemed to be a different kind of boredom or are they really different at these two point of time?

Check out the following like for more information about boredom...

No blogging today

My head is very strange because it does a lot of things by itself, which I have no control over.

Based on the amount of verbal diarrhea I have produced these days, it is logical to expect my head to continue starting up earlier and earlier as well as, hopefully, faster and faster, as long as within the range of moderation.

Earlier in the afternoon, it was true that , for a while, I could not shake these Micky mouse case voices and delusions in the background.

I kept on hearing things like blogger and kept on thinking people talking about me blogging.

At some point, though, this really calm voice came up in my head and told my head to calm down.

From then on till now, I started to feel as if there is concrete in my head... when knocking on my own head... it feels like knocking on a concrete wall.

How do such observations come about? I inevitably asked myself and following are the three hypotheses:

  1. I slept for about 10 hours last night and it might have something to do with the sufficient amount of sleep
  2. My head decided to shut itself down because it identifies potential over activities
  3. Some people are using their magical power to calm my head down because they know my head has been running to fast (magical thinking-- delusion)
Then, I got home with my concrete head and was getting ready for my dinner...

At some point, it occurs to me that or I "felt" that I should take a day off from blogging because "I know" it would be better. (these are delusional kinda experiences)

As a result, after dinner, I started to put down the reason why I will not blog today... 8-O lol

Monday, April 7, 2008

The Workers Com Matrix

Despite of all the feeling nothing kinda bullshit I have been talking about all these times, I am now reaching a point when I can blow off when things have gone far enough.

So, I have been waiting to get back to receive physical therapy for my back since November 2008 after the workers com insurance company denied the authorization for all treatments based on the report of the Independent Medical Examiner (IME).

After my first court date in January, I had to wait for a long time till finally the physical therapy place had a slot for me for an appointment.

Unfortunately, I was not able to make that appointment because of the following three reasons:

  1. I missed my orthopaedics doctor's appointment on February 12th, 2008 because I went to the ER to rest my head and body
  2. The physical therapy place would not be able to see me because they said I needed a new prescription from the orthopaedics doctor
  3. My next appointment with the orthopaedics doctor was supposed to be in late February
The day I got discharged from the Cuckoo's nest, I went to the office of the orthopaedics doctor and made sure I got the prescription for physical therapy.

It took me 2 weeks to finally get to an appointment. Yet, when waiting, this lady came in saying something like, "she failed IME and she is only authorized be treated for her knee."

So, OK, I was being treated for my knees for 2 sessions until Workers' Com insurance denied the authorization for all my treatment again.

All that I could do is to wait for the court day to come again and try to do my ordinary stretching and exercise routines.

The court day finally came again where there was the ruling that I should continue to receive benefits such as treatment.

When I call up the physical therapy place, they indicated they won't be able to see me until the workers com gives them documentations indicating my treatment is authorized.

I waited and waited till the letter from the court arrived...

I called back to the physical therapy place; yet, they still insist my treatments were not authorized and they needed a letter from workers' com despite the court order.

So, I called the Workers' Com Board and the person who spoke with us said no one needs no letter from them. Maybe I shall contact my adjuster directly.

I called the insurance company and spoke with my adjuster. She indicated that she had authorized the treatment and forwarded the documentations and would do it again immediately.

I called back to the physical therapy place, which still insisted on having no record of receiving anything from the insurance company while, later same day, I got a phone call from the physical therapy place stating now it was possible for me to get an appointment (last Thursday).

Today, I called back to the physical therapy place to make an appointment for the initial evaluation for treatment on my back. I was told again that the authorization was only given to my knee although what I really need is treatment for my back.

So, again, I tried to call the adjuster and could not get a hold of her.

I tried again and she was still busy.

Yet, this time, the person answered the phone asked me what my call was concerning about.

I told him that the physical therapy place said the insurance only authorized treatment to my knee but the court order said I could receive treatment and the adjuster told me the back is also an option.

This round, the workers com receptionist told me, "The doctor's office did not request treatment for the back; only for the knee."

So, I thought it might have something to do with my orthopaedics doctor's office and called them up. The lady answered the phone told me-- the "doctor's office" in this context meant "the physical therapist' office."

I called back again to this physical therapy place.

The lady answered the phone again swore that my authorization for back was denied.

I told them again that the court order in March said I am again entitled for treatment and I spoke with my adjuster who indicated I could receive treatment on my back if I elect to. The problem was that their office sent in the request for therapy on the knee rather than on my back although what the prescription of the doctor indicated treatment on neck, back and knees.

Then, this lady I was speaking with said-- that was sent in by our corporate office... and we just kept on going in circle not going anywhere... 8-O

Then, I guess it was the manager who came to answer the phone... we went through the whole thing again...

She again mentioned that I failed the IME report and the authorization for the back treatment was denied.

I told her the ruling for March again but she didn't seem to care.... and kept on talking about the denial of authorization.

Finally, I asked her when the authorization to the back was denied, she told me... "November."

I repeated myself again... BUT THE RULING OF THE COURT THIS TIME IS IN MARCH AND THE ADJUSTER SAID I COULD HAVE MY TREATMENT TO THE BACK and your office is the one that requested for the treatment on the knee rather than what I am asking for-- my back. (Which part of common sense don't you understand?)

This manager continue to insist on me getting a letter from the adjuster stating the length and the number of sessions I am entitled to... and blah blah blah...

I finally could not and did not want to hold this any more... "Do you make it so difficult to all your patients?"

Yet, at that point, I realized something...

Controlling for all other parties, this place has been making it really difficult for me to get back to therapy.

Possibly, they are really well to do and they don't care whether they have patients or not.

Possibly, they feel they are doing the beneficiaries of workers com a favor because not all places accept workers' com insurance.

I had not decided to switch place because this place is close and they already have my info on file.

However, I thought to myself... sometimes, enough is enough...

The next available appointment for evaluation would be on April 16th and, possibly, I won't be able to get appointments for my real therapy session for a week or so.

By that time, I will be getting ready to go home to receive a combination of Eastern and Western treatments without having to deal with all these BS or, else, I would just look for another place in town.

While the lady on the other side of the line was still going on with the same old tune, yours very rude said something like this to her, "Do you make it so difficult for everyone? This is awful. I don't need it. Thank you. Bye." And, I hang up the phone.

In addition, I didn't fail IME. Rather, I think it is the IME failed humanity and me.

It was awful for me to hang up on people.

However, it felt actually very good because it was almost like I finally decided to get out of an abusive relationship that I could not let go of....

In addition, when I went out to calm myself down with that cigarette of mine, it occurred to me again... I could not be along and there are, have been, may be many other people to be in the same boat....

For about 5 months now, I am still fighting to get back to physical therapy for my back and does anyone wonder why the recovery rate is so very slow?