Sunday, January 29, 2012

Yet another trip

Massachusetts State House
Was checking out some pics and clips I took when going to Martha's Vineyard and Boston last fall after I got back from my trip to Hong Kong and Macau today.

So I thought, another one bites the dust... if not another round of my biting the dust...

 The body is in the piece of crap state yet again.

What's so new about it anyways?

The funny thing is that-- been there, done that many a time- the biting the dust thing though it ain't like I fancy it so much- indigestion.  lol

Bite it, suck it up and get on with it is all that I could have ever done.


I love going to see the world and I surely ain't gonna let my body or head stop me- not to mention that my body and head won't let me stopping it. Period. (Am I gonna wait till the day comes when I am miraculously all healed?  Duh.  What if that day never comes, am I gonna wait for the next life that might never come? 8-O lol)

Might need to be easy with the pyramid or mount Everest since I couldn't even handle simply on a pony hill.

Broken, yet, life is wonderful- in pain and of mental, yet another trip!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Who am I: The self years later

After numerous iterations of reconsideration, I decided to make this post of mine public... for those who might be going through or might have gone through the same thing...

Thursday, June 09, 2005
Who Am I Part I -- at the group level
Friday, June 10, 2005
Who Am I Part II- the self-construals

Over 10 years after my self-construal era and 6 and half year after these two posts, it feels really interesting to revisit the concept of individual self-construals especially at a time when the new people I come to know might have sort of figure out I am not like the normal.

Physical abnormality: easily identifiable.

Extra-physical abnormality or deviance from the norm people I recently come to know: Chances are, for them, they could speculate anything they want to but it would be sort of a little struggle for them to pinpoint where the exact deviance resides even though surely something there not quite within the norm.

Since I am not gonna go and blow my own cover (however thin the cover might be and at least not until my book comes out), unfortunately, I would simply let them fellows live through the adjustment process of entering my culture (Oops, sorry...). At the same time, would I consider changing myself?  How do you engineer the process of change shall you have no control over you mind and body?  I had sort of hoped that maybe people in Taiwan can get me normalized though now I am starting to wonder whether it is but an illusion at all (at least not a delusion). lol sigh

While, I guess, for my people back in NY, what is considered as not quite normal is but the norm. Although the "anything goes" attitude of New Yorkers might have something to do with it, I highly suspect that people might have just gotten used to it.  No grand reason at all.

Thus, all that I can hope is that, given time, everyone would be conditioned by the fact that I am simply who I am especially when I have no way to control who I am (otherwise, there wouldn't have been any blog at all).

Today, I have come to term with myself- ain't gonna try to figure out how normal people think since, regardless how the normal think, whether I will think like them is another issue.  And, the matter of the fact is that... something must have happened throughout these past few years because there are a whole lot of things going on in my body and in my head that I literally have no control over-- above and beyond the physical and the mental health things.

So I thought of the concept of the life-span development of the independent and interdependent self-contruals.

I had always been different... be it in Taiwan, in Canada, in the US, back in Taiwan or any other places I have traveled to... and even before I had my psychotic onset.

Many people had thought that it was the cultural differences that they were observing- regardless their cultural backgrounds-- only to realize eventually that it was not "only" the cultural background-- it was and has always been mes-- albeit the different versions of mes.

And, so I figure, what I had to live through these past few years might have somehow contributed to the promotion in the growth of independent self while working not so hard on developing that interdependence self.

I could go on with lengthy paragraphs trying to elaborate on this and that...  Yet, I will keep it simple and with them referring to them people I have encountered all these years regardless of geographically location and whether the "them" that I perceived exist or not in reality.

Controlling for the effects of the physical issues, what does it take for a paranoid schizophrenic to be functional in a world where everyone is constantly making judgments-- be them judgments positive, negative or neutral?  And, forget not, survival proceeds functionality.

If I were to be guided by my interdependent self and focus on practicing the belief that “people are understood primarily in connection to one another,”  I won't last too long at large although it has always been the beautiful people who had me carried along the way.

On the other hand, there is a need for my existence to be detached from the "social environment" because there is a very high likelihood that the environment created by my head is not shared by anyone else.  Since I have no control over myselves, I had to simply let myselves be "mes" since it's not like I have too many an option anyways.

Also, it is not like I knew what I was doing and I worked really hard everyday consciously trying to develop my independent self-construal while oppressing that of my interdependent self-construal.  Not so smart.

It just happened-- in time- while I was sleeping, while I was awake or somewhere in between- provided the same "environment" I carry with me regardless where I am. (Come to think about it, no wonder I can bear no weight since a world must be so of heavey. 8-O lol)

If I were to respond to a comment this friend of mine, an esteemed radiologist working in the field of psychiatry, once said, "You are too much influenced by your mental health condition," my reply today would be, "You bet.  I am looking forward to a day when you people can find a way to help me get rid of the impacts of the environment shared not by anyone else."

Is it a good thing or a bad thing?  God knows.  Just the way it is- human development if not developmental outcomes at this point.

Will my MO change in accordance to the change in the socio-cultural environment shared by the others?  What is the point of entertaining this question since we shall know when the time comes.

Was it all but at the mysterious thing called at the "cognitive" level?  God knows as well except I have a hypothesis-- I think it was that dorsal horn reorganization that nobody can prove or disprove that did it, perhaps.8-O lol

And, am I judging anyone?

Back to this quote of Frankl someone just last night, "No man should judge unless he asks himself in absolute honesty whether in the similar situation he might not have done the same."

A motto in my life with this question myselves to ask:" What would I do if I were them?" With them referring to everyone I encounter in the "environment" I carry with me regardless of the geographical locations and whether "they" exist or not. 

The answer, I bet I would do the same.

Am I sure I am sure what I am talking about here?  The truth... I am sure I am sure I am not sure since that'd be the only thing I am ever sure of. 8-O lol

Sunday, January 15, 2012

That metacognitive impairment thing

Back to this article
Bayne, T. and E. Pacherie, In Defence of the Doxastic Conception of Delusions. Mind and Language, 2005. 20(2): p. 163-188.

The delusion the authors were focusing on was "Cotard delusion" or Walking Corpse Syndrome.  Patients with this type of delusion might believe they are dead or they do not exist. 

Interesting... been there, done that and still living with the feeling that reality is a galaxy away.  What else can I do since I am already on Seroquel?

Following are some notes I took regarding the objections people have for the doxastic concept of delusion with no intent to support or refute either approaches:

The no-content objection: It is unbelievable that people need to look into literature and find citations in order to find examples of delusions while I walk around in my daily life having problems shaking the belief that everything I do and say is being relayed somewhere.  To be honest, I don't quite understand what this objection is about.  Does it mean there are no contents in one's delusions?  8-O

The pragmatically self-defeating objection: I was there.  I knew I was dead and I was being killed in a million and a way.  However, I could not die completely.  Thus, I turned in to the undead and the everything else- until all different forces came with all means in order to get my life restored.  How could I have believed it?  I just did.  I had also walked around knowing I am an "undead" in numerous condition.  "Undead" means I was dead but didn't die quite clean enough.  How was I able to walk around being dead?  I wasn't carrying my own body because I was dead.  It was other forces that helped me carry my body-- and sometimes they took turns.  Did it feel like it was my imagination?  No.  It was the reality.  How do I know it was the reality?  How do you know your reality is the reality? 8-O lol

The lack of evidence objection:  There is never evidence? I wouldn't go so far.  I see evidences everywhere... the things that happens, what people say, what they insinuate and what people do to or for me.  There are evidences everywhere except for you never get a confirmation when asking people questions such as "Have you heard anyone talking about me?"  Whether my observed evidence would be considered as evidence to you, that's another question. 

The theoretical reasoning objection:  Are there inconsistencies in my realities?  Yes.  Big time.  Do I attempt to resolve the inconsistency based on evidences gathered?  Of course!  The only problem is that there are inevitably more evidences gathered through my imaginary world than from the world shared by the rest of the population.

The practical reasoning objection:  Why don't the delusionals act all crazy in accordance to their belief?  Haven't you seen some of us pacing up and down the block in shirt and short in the snow, or, shouting at the passersby?  You will see it when I get to that state while, most of the times, I do trying to appropriate my behaviors to what might be considered normal.  In addition, when I was walking around as an "undead", I was being an undead... flat.

The lack of appropriate affection objection:  So the Apocalypse had arrived.  Why didn't I act all perturbed and cried up a storm etc?  Interesting question but what good does it do?  Guess this also has something to do with individual personality and MO.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Bad mood day

Woke up in the morning, I realized that my mom was home.

So I asked, "How come you didn't go to church?"

She replied, "In a bad mood."

Although the number of 6,093,578 is smaller than that of 6,891,139, at least, it is far more than 5,444,949- the number of votes DPP obtained in the 2008 presidential election.

For an underdog without much, I think that's a good fight.

Other than my mom, at least 6,093,578-1 people are in a bad mood today.

And, I love this sportsmanship... when defeated, take the defeat, accept the offset, regenerate, and, re-engineer the process of coming back.

I also have respect for the other candidate 宋楚瑜 who had the determination to go through of it despite of all...

The first time in history to have three candidates running for the presidential election in Taiwan!

An ode to them researchers

Spent the whole night trying to find a citation that I didn't included in this post Impaired Metacognition: Part I

Finally, I think I found it... The following might be the article that I was refering to:

The process of trying to get back to read this article 7 years later recapitulated the process of coming up with that old post.

Same conclusion I have... thank God I am only delusional but not them people trying to study the delusionals. 8-X


I am sick and tire of hearing this word "清廉."

How did the KMT get to be so rich?  What about giving back the assets and properties that belong to the Taiwanese people?

Stop talking about "清廉" already.

And... that other family, which I should refrain from naming... OMG... the democracy in Taiwan really went down on the account of your entire family and we trusted you.  Does the outcome splitting the force of an underdog make you happy now and how is it beneficial to anyone?

I think I am gonna go get drunk

Looking at the results of the presidential election so far, I think I am gonna go get drunk tonight.... :'O

Bartender, a cosmo please.

New experiences

One thing I want to do before I stop kicking is to see the aurora borealis in situ.

That'd be some experience!

Before I get to do it, there are a few things that I have yet to experience in life such as getting a credit card in Taiwan.  Unless I win a lottery, I have to work and get a pay stub so as to apply for a Taiwanese credit card.  It is because I am damn annoyed that they wouldn't let me apply for a standard credit card even though most of the places I frequent in Taiwan do not take credit cards.  8-O lol

Something new I did for the first time today- this grumpy old hen voted in the presidential election for the first time and this is where I voted!

To all Taiwanese, you still have till 4 o'clock to cast that vote!  I was gonna say that please don't vote if you are going to vote for this or that party.  Yet, that doesn't sound quite like the democracy kinda thing.  8-O lol

Thus, regardless your preferences, cast your votes and don't forsake your voting right!

Friday, January 13, 2012

6 floors under

As I was monkeying around my business here, I heard people chatting in English 6 floors under, which reminded me of my room in Upperwest Side although I am in Taipei.

So I went... 8-X

Holy cow... Here I go again? 8-O

Then, I decided to walk to the balcony and looked down....

Gott sei dank.

There really are a bunch of people down there chatting in English. 8-O lol

Monday, January 9, 2012

The yawning psychotic

I had to get off early to check in with my psychiatrist today.  The older I get, the lazier I become, and, now I am just gonna outsource all things to the professionals especially when I am in a stage of trying to figure out how to reactivate my head without getting it overheated. 8-O lol

I told him that I took that good fall that finally made me full because I literally am sick 從頭到腳 (a Chinese expression meaning from head to foot).  I also told him that I somehow got a post-doc job and now I am doing research. 

"What was your doctor degree in?"  So asked my psychiatrist.

Well, though my degree is called in Instructional Technologies and Media, my adviser is a cognitive psychologist and I see myself more aligning with da cognitive psychology thing.

"Cognitive psychology?"  My psychiatrist seemed to find it intriguing...

So I explained, "Because my thinking is disordered, I want to know how people think." lol

Then, I asked yet again...

"I can't stop yawning.  If psychotics rarely yawn (unless, so they say, in the presence of neurological damages), why can't I stop yawning?"

"Maybe you don't sleep enough?"  So he asked.

"I yawn regardless whether I sleep too much, too little (or somewhere in between)."

So my psychiatrist suggested, "Do exercise, do yoga etc, maybe."

And I replied, "That's the time when I yawn the most when exercising and relaxing!"

Then, so inquired my psychiatrist, "Come again... what did they diagnose you with in the US?"

So I volunteered the following info again, as I have mentioned many a time in my writing, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder, delusional disorder (though I have no doubt that I have hallucinations)...  Regardless, one Seroquel does it all regardless of the diagnosis while no doubt I am psychotic.

Though my psychiatrist, like all other doctors I had asked before, could not give me an answer about why I yawn so much...  I knew it but I simply had to ask the question.

Without saying much more, my psychiatrist made a final remark, the same remark my rehab doctor made when I saw him after the fall and a remark many people had me told, "Just don't fall again."

So I got out of the building and took extra precaution in walking... back to the ordinary world that everyone (almost) knew me and what I said.  I waited for the light to turn and... as I was waiting, back was yawning again.

So I thought, God knows, this yawning thing, whether that is even something worth pondering about other than it doesn't really make me look too good when walking up and down the street- yawning up a storm.  No wonder I can't find a husband... ain't my fault... all da yawning's fault. 8-O lol

Yet, still I have to ask... anyone out there have an answer to why this psychotic yawns so much?

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Lessons learned

Just came back from paying my respects to this uncle of mine.

Guess, this is part of the getting old process-- to see the passing of people I know despite of my aversion towards it.

I had wanted to take my uncle and aunt to this restaurant after I get my check.  Unfortunately, he passed away before the check gets materialized.

The moral of the lesson: wait no more.

If you want to buy people food, buy it.  If people want to feed you food, eat it.

- for fear of missed opportunities as a result of the optimal divide: life and death.

Don't know how normal people would think-- this is how I think and that is a regret of my life and I will try to never let this kind of regret happen again.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Done second run: Down with meds after accident

Finally get down with Down with meds after accident, again, just now.

Didn't know that I would be able to pull it through since the contents... contents... a bit dense.

So it is... the ending music for the Down with meds era... as long as you are happy..

Next step?  Wonder whether there will even be a need for Down with meds before the accident except for... time to go nite nite.

(Now I know why this blog is called ratology reloaded... I think... 8-X lol)

Here I go again... again...

Back yet again to Here I go again.

Regardless how many times I have revisited this posting, it's still... how you put it... haunting, I guess.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Done with January 2008

Finally got done with January 2008.

Just started a full time job on Boxing day...

Among the job, the exercises and physical therapy, making sure I don't get myself in trouble in any other capacity, and, sleep, I really don't have much time per day allocated to work on the book.  Yet, I make sure I go through a bit of it everyday.

Just so happen, I took a good fall on new year's day and now I have to stay low for a bit till the ankle and the body heal a bit more...

Just so happen, as a result, I get a bit more time on my hand and I pushed through January 2008 today.... with that month ended with true and free expressions of insanity-- my dear words.

To be honest, the days going towards the Valentine's day of 2008, I still can't process too much of it per day, anyways.  It actually is a blessing that I get other kind of research topic to work on during the day time.

Call me useless... 4 years apart, still too close to home.

Yet, I am moving and moving on....

And, I will get it done. (God bless.... 8-X)

(Why do I want to get it done?  I don't know... I just feel I have to get it done.  Sort of like.. for years... I just had to blog and now I just have to get the book out...  It's just the way it is. 8-O)

Sunday, January 1, 2012

God bless and sending good energy again

After I moved myself back home successfully and as I was telling my mom about the embarrassing trip, I saw on TV that another earthquake of  Magnitude 6.8 to 7.0 just struck under the sea south-southwest of Tokyo.

As I am getting my foot elevated to cut down on the swelling, I decide to post the water crystal clip again-- something I have intended to do since a while ago...

God bless all and those still living with the aftermath of the quake.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, wherever you are!

I was going to write some reflection kind of stuffs except for-- a change of plan since a benchmark of my life just occurred- one of the first major thing I accomplished on the New Year's Day of 2012.

Downtown Taipei on the side walk of the busy street of Zhongxiao east road, I took my first fall since June 19th of 2007.... It was an extremely ugly one because, when people rushed to help, I found myself landed on my back with the left ankle sort of sprang.

How did it happen?  I took a picture because I saw a beautiful star.  After I took the picture and when I was wondering whether any of the pictures would be good, I felt something funny on the step that I took- there was no floor 8-O- while the next thing I found was that I was lying on my back on the floor.

So it is the story of my life... no moderation... either too much or not enough. 8-O lol

Apparently, there was a step to get to the sidewalk- which I would have found any other ordinary days when simply focusing myself on walking.  Unfortunately, I might have become too cocky nowadays and was trying to do too many things at one time- namely, trying to think whether the pictures would be good and to walk at the same time.

So a few of the nice girls helped me up and I walked myself back home. As I am typing out this note while icing my ankle and applying heat to my back, so I thought... it might have been even worst.

Call me sick in the head but such is how I am determined to see it.

I helped participated in a marketing research study and helped a girl found the coins that she dropped on the floor right before the fall.  Believe it or not, you don't get the chance to help people everyday.

I choose to believe that I have done some good deeds and God will not let me get punished for good deeds yet again.  God will help me from now on. (Unless, God thanks that now my body is strong enough to take on a different form of injury? 8-O lol)

Of course, on my way home, my paranoia was having a field trip-- making me feel that everyone on the street knew what just happened to me.  The only thing I could say to myself was--

Dear, that was a damn ugly fall, for sure.  Yet, don't worry-- you have taken much more embarrassing falls before such as the one with easily over 100 eyes staring at you.  Don't worry.  This is only a pretty good "embarrassing fall"; yet, Micky mouse grade only.

At the same time, I already walk funny and use a cane.  Other than the pain in the ankle, how much more different would it be anyways? lol

So they say... have a good trip, see you next fall..

Now I had a good fall... I can start looking forward to my next trip, I guess?  8-O lol

And, of course, the lesson learned: stick to the KISS principle and forget about multitasking-- not to mention, mind thy own limits. 8-X

Despite a mighty embarrassing moment and some minor inconveniences on my ankle, one thing I can say now is--

I am full since now I am really sick from head to almost toe (sort of... and God, please leave my toes along) 8-O lol

Happy New Year!