Sunday, October 31, 2010

Fxck up v.s. normal: Quotes from Madness

Some quotes from Madness by Marya Hornbacher.

"My new therapist tells me that I don't know how to live without crisis. "  P. 249

"I've been a total fuckup.  I couldn't do a single basic thing that normal people do every day without falling apart or having a nervous breakdown.  Normal people just do things.  It's not a big deal."  P. 250

Who and what are normal people?

The therapist...

"See, the thing is, you've got this idea of normal that's not normal.  Normal people don't do everything  perfectly.  You don't have to do everything perfectly to be normal. "  P. 251

Then, what does it mean to be normal?

 "Your problem is that you're so used to being in crisis that your whole perception of yourself is as a fuckup, a permanent fuckup, never someone who gets to not be a fuckup, so you have to torture yourself and hate yourself just to be as good as everyone else.  You're having a hard time realizing that you're not a fuckup anymore."  P. 251

"But if you're not trying to be perfect, then how do you know if you're doing things right?"

"The best I can do is sometimes completely fail,"  I say...... "The rest of us do it all the time."

Bewildered, I wonder out to my car.

Nothing new under the sun

Speaking of there ain't nothing new under the sun...

The question of me coding my own words...

Thought of that before...

Thank God... someone iconic I could cite about methodology...

Don't ask me... go ask Frankl... 8-O lol

Dreams

"No dream, no matter how horrible, could be as bad as the reality of the camp."

-- Page 41 in Man's search for meaning by V. Frankl


Happy Six round (Why am I happy)

I might not be happy all the time but I make it my life's goal... the pursuit for happiness.

This posting marks the end of the never ending Happy Six round...

Why am I happy?(merged with why is it strange that I am happy.): In a nutshell... I am endowed with a few experiences unnecessary for ordinary people with some of which could be conceived as sort of miserable; since life's got varieties, might as well be happy since what could be the alternative... I guess?  8-O lol

Some examples in point format... what I can itemize for you:
  1. psychotic with delusions and hallucinations, 
  2. propensity for depression, 
  3. Anxiety attacks
  4. chronic pain, 
  5. physical and mobile disability, 
  6. can't use my head as in from 2-3 words,
  7. can't work, 
  8. can't feel, 
  9. losing a sense of self,
  10. motivation problems, 
  11. dosage adjustment of antipsychotic medication, 
  12. strange bodily experiences, 
  13. strange life experiences but still in one piece and kicking, 
  14. accomplished nothing, 
  15. invisibly disabled, 
  16. ice age... cold air won't stop coming out... especially from my mouth... God.... when is it gonna stop?
  17. sleepless with psychotic symptoms, 
  18. dry mouth, 
  19. spasm in esophagus at bed time leaving you wonder whether you might choke to death in your sleep, 
  20. ear-ringing like I am running a train station in my head, 
  21. the body jump around like a fish on cutting board when trying to sleep night after night
  22. money issues 
  23. not disable according to governmental regulations in the US and in Taiwan
  24. and... of course, immigration issues concerning the US
Ok... I know ain't like its all that much blah blah blah... and there are too many people far worse off...

Some references covering the above though not all of them...
Something about happinessA loving tripBirthday 3SpeedGratefulLoving IntentionsHappy New Year, pain, Ratology State Report, Assumptions, Time, Ground zero, Back to that lady, That lady, First Day back to work, Recovery, To feel, Suffering, Humor and Curiosity, Anniversary, The day after... 叫春時段From the utilities of 英英美代子: Happiness and fear, Lost, Wish for zeros, Lazy and/or invisibly disabled, House gone psychotic, Potion, Walker, What have I done lately, Insanity, Ain't no nothingAcademic pursuitsDial up vs gigabyte network, Life and gameReset again, Sidekicks, Crutch, Grandma's words of wisdomHarassment,  State, Appropriating real脫竅, So much more could have been done..., Another first time in my life..Be honest-- happy?CrackingMotivation, Phenomenology,  Ratprincess, to be even more specialMiracle, Love, terminal deathGod, Buddha or else?, Life and its unfolding: on extraordinary, Delusion of references: Part I, Dance to..

Niceness disease: Regarding others

As, somehow, I am coming out from the Niceness disease, these past year or two, I observed an increasing propensity for me to "involuntarily" speak out directly what I see, what I think and my ensuing reaction as the truth.

It also feels as if I have gotten into far more conflicts with people than I have in my entire life within such a short time frame.

This is why, at times, I thought to myself... maybe I should lock myself up till the phase past otherwise I would have had no friends left at the end... (speaking of voluntary institutionalization... 8-O lol ouch)

Amazingly, I found that a lot of people love me as I am and accept me as I am... whoever I am.

Back to da auditory form of verbal diarrhea, once I let it out to someone, it feels as if the pressure is released... leaving me only having to deal with the internal consequences.

There were times when I tried to keep it in... These were times when the upset would circle around in my mind... simply wouldn't and couldn't stop... even after a substantiative amount of time-out... It takes the verbal telling to let it go.

Such 口無遮攔 behavior at the extreme form... is more than having a big bad mouth.  So I have pondered... somewhat compulsive grade...

Of course, such might be the doing of dosage adjustment... a seemingly eternal process of upping and downing....

Such might be the doing of the psychotic symptoms whichever symptom it might be...

Such could also have to do with the sense of bodily discomfort... physical aches and pains as well as what I perceive as the flowing of qi...

At points I do wonder... perhaps, one of the reason why I could excape my psychosis not might have to do with the MO that I did not want to speak the bloody truths and I tried to pretend that I could simply let things go.

Well, in a perfect scenario, we all could simply take things in and let it out... like some people's superb digestive system I so very envy... they eat and they go to the toilette... wow... how nice... 8-O lol

People like me, unfortunately, might not have that gift and might, on the other hand, be prone to constipations.  Conventional sense of constipation, cognitive constipation... in this context... the take-shit shit can't get out kind of constipation until it PHD- pile high and deep... fomentation and fomentation... to the point of explosion... (oops... a bit gross here... 8-O lol)

Speaking of 沼氣不發無奈何.... (oops... too traumatic a scene)

I am not gonna BS you into believe that I have the best personality on earth... Duh... Who am I lying to...

Neither do I have the best temper.

However, as I have mentioned in the previous posting, I gradually came to believe that, though not all, but, a large part of my being nice could have been propelled by my psychotic symptoms... however bad it might sound and it might portrait me as a bad person.

Yet, I simply have to be honest to myself.

I want to be nice to people because I want to be nice and I believe I was born nice. (How come 曾子's 人性本善 sounds so strange in my words... 8-O lol)

I don't want to be nice because it was the doing of my psychosis.

Not because I am afraid how the entire world might condemn or praise me for what I have said or done (or not).

Not because I am afraid of how the entire world might be made known the unspoken thoughts formed or in formation in my head.

Being nice simply for a selfish reason.. being nice to the others makes you feel nice, too.

Now I learn or I am continuing to learn my lessons... the truth have to be spoken as the reality has to be faced with 100% authenticity and not be cumulated inside... and so on... provided.. to err is human.... though I shall refrain from erring (8-O is it even a word? 8-O lol)

However, please let me be nice because I want to be nice and please the phase eventually fade like all other phases I have lived through... beginning with minimizing the affected area.... while I go on conquer da can't-mind-my-own-business disorder as a broken back mountain. 8-O lol

(Some thoughts drafted in association with others.)

Happy Six round (Other)

Some how I got blocked with the "other."   Perhaps, all that has been revealed is but the separation from the "self"... or the deviation from the "self".  Once the zerbrechen emerge... there form the struggles and the ensuing efforts to bridge the gap...

For instance, paranoia is rooted in the existence of the "other" regardless the nature of the other.  Think about it... shall there be only "me" or the "self" and shall "other" exist not, you have only you to worry about.

When there exist you only, what might be the topics of the concern?  Fewer... I suspect...  Am I healthy?  Do I have enough food and nutrients to keep me alive?

It is the same reason why I felt scared when feeling the sense of self dissolving... an experience I can't really describe further with my limited words.

Also, the same reason why I try so hard to get myself from the unself zone... dreaming state, 2-3 word state, unable to walk state and all them otherwise mentioned but not specified here kind of states...

The reasons I work so hard to bring myself back... to bring myself back to what I consider as my "self."

Since it might not yet be time for the "other" to be looked upon in depth, I might as well simply push the basic descriptions.

In general, there is a sense that "self<->other" might be a dimension higher level than "What you can do" and "How could you think."

At the same time, what I am posting here is only part of the generation process.

Other

What is in it for the others? Some things have nothing to do with me. But other people's doing well could make you feel happy, too, unless you insist on otherwise... 
The delusional social justiceJohn DoeMy parentsI can't do it... God... why do you make me so wrong?EpisodeBeautiful PeopleChurchReactionsA good reason to smileRomanticAdult education- Mama at largeThe cultural perspectiveNiceness and diseaseBe honest-- happy?From the utilities of 英英美代子: Happiness and fearThe meaning of uselessnesWhyI didn't do it

People help thyselves
Beautiful People

How am I viewed? (Merged with "Other people's acceptance"): Issues relating to acceptance, the attempt to behave in a way that might lead to other's acceptance, the fear of not being accepted, the attempts to negate the acceptance complex
RatopiaEvilThe end of a new beginning, The Ratological BookNiceness and diseaseMy parentsMillion Dollar Baby, One thing at a time, You are my hallucinations and delusions, Delusional,

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Grades for my writing

Woke up from this dream before I start my ordinary sneezing attack...

Was reading the grades for my writing....

Content-wise... A, A- B+ or so...

In terms of grammar... D across the board... oop..

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Not bad writing

Haven't written in Chinese for almost two decades... tried to come up with a cover letter in Chinese...

Also... 傷腦筋... my brain boo boo....8-O lol

After I got the draft out, I gave it to the expert... mama who used to be a teacher in Chinese composition...

It took me something like 20-30 minutes to come up with the draft and... it has taken her almost an hour editing my writing... and still going on... 8-X

At some point, she made this comment... "Wow... your Chinese 造詣 is really good.."

All suspense dissipated.

"Of course..." I walked away all perky...

Take it as a complement even if she were comparing my writing to that of elementary school kids... such as my young nephew attending the American School in Taiwan... 8-O lol

歡喜就好

Everyday, I hear this song 歡喜就好...



Which reminds me of da 歡喜就好.... a song exceptionally scary to me when adjusting to 6+- mg of Seroquel... 8-X

Finally, as I thought to myself... might be the election season... popping my head out... I saw the car broadcasting the song... also... election season...

So I thought... interesting... gotta be something pretty traumatic... da end of Down with Meds era... 歡喜就好

A expert grade talent

All else I have not accomplished in my life so far...

I have expert grade talent in beating myself up... and really well...

Not trying to sound grandiose... but... I don't think I can find too many other people who can beat me up as well as I do... of course... in words... 8-X lol

Takes a whole of time and practice to reach this state though haven't reached mastery yet... 8-O lol

Why beating myself up?

In pursuit of a leveled field to be grounded as construction follows deconstruction after cleaning up. (Where did it come from? Don't ask me. Whatever... 賈雨村言.... 8-O 8-X lol)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Staying with my parents

I am staying at my parents' place after back in Taipei...

One sentence describes the strange situation called staying with my parents...

We drive each other crazy.  8-O lol

Happy Six round (How could you think)

(The is the second part of Happy Six round.  See link for the more info on how these codes come about and the restrictions: Happy Six round (What you can do).)

"How do normal people think" remains to be a question to me from then or even before... and the normal people I asked can't quite tell me how they think.... might have something to do with the strange question I asked... "How do you think?" 8-O lol

The only thing I could do is to figure out how I think... I guess... 8-O lol

The following codes are associated with thinking patterns.

I wanted to retain the original code "Ordinary stuffs, to emphasize how impressive it is that we can perform the ordinary things that we do.  Yet, since there is too much overlap between Appreciation and Ordinary stuffs, I eventually merged the two codes together.  The emphasis, I guess, would be placed in the description "the most minute stuffs."

How could you think?
  1. A cliche... I am my worst enemy: The good new. You have 24/7 total access to conquer yourself. 8-O lol
  2. Appreciation (gain, regain) (merged with Ordinary stuffs): Find the gain, regain and ungain in the most minute stuffs and be appreciative and grateful about them.
  3. Been there, done that.  Don't need it no more.... perhaps...
  4. Don't take it too serious.. especially yourself.
  5. Focus on love and loving thoughts: people you love and people who love you, loving images and things that make you happy
  6. It's only human... (Just don't stop there): Call God bad names though I would not advise, want to leave some money to your family, complain, not enough money, the wanting to beat-somebody-up moments
  7. Nothing so grand to kill thyself for
  8. Preferences: You can chose your preference such as choosing a worldview dominated by happiness grounded in reality.
  9. Something will come back: The not so good phase will past, something better will come back... Be reasonably positive because I never promised you a rose garden. 

Following are the codes and the linked source files which will provide more detailed contexts.

How could you think?

Annona atemoya Hort 鳳梨釋迦

Today I tried out 鳳梨釋迦 (Annona atemoya Hort) for the first time...

It is sweat like 釋迦 but can't be easily peel off like 釋迦... At the same time, tasting sort of like guava...  It is so huge that... half of it is almost enough for the entire meal.

Both mama and I thought this is another invention of the almighty Taiwanese farmers....

It was not until when I was looking up the English translation of 鳳梨釋迦 did I realize that... 鳳梨釋迦 (Annona atemoya Hort) is the hybrid of cherimola and Annona squmosa and it was developed in Florida way back in 1908.

Don't recall that I have seen this fruit in the US... unless...

Possibility 1... I thought what I saw was ordinary 釋迦...
Possibility 2... sort of like possibility 1... you don't see what you don't know...

Then, even more strange revelation came out as I was looking for the translation of the traditional 釋迦.... for the past 30-40 years, I thought 釋迦 is a native product of Taiwan... only to realize just now... it actually is 阿斗子... imported to Taiwan from Latin America by the Dutch... 8-O

That poor head of mine...午夜花

Just got off the phone with my aunt...

Somewhere during the conversation, she asked, "How is your back?"

"Much better... except for too much damages all over the body.  Have improved big time."

After the phone call, I thought to that poor head of mine... gotta be singing 午夜花...


Everybody could see the apparent mobility problem... people ask how my back is...

Nobody ever ask about you... of course, might have something to do with I don't really go about telling people that... yo... me sick in the head... 8-O lol

At the same time, the head condition seems to have improved even more... though gradually...

Last night, I took the larger qua of the 25 mg pill... which would make it 6-7 mg... today... I feel pretty well-drugged... zzzzzzzzzzz....

Here comes the question...

What do you do to help your head?

I don't know.... simply do whatever I have been doing all along... I guess... 8-O lol

Do you really believe that what you do to help your body really help your head, too?  Thus, the mind clears its path with the body takes its hit?

God know... would defeat the purpose to ask further.  8-O lol

Volcano, tsunami, earthquake

On the news, they reported the volcano, tsunami and earthquake in Indonesia... and the lost of lives.

And those news about flooding, wind damages, landslides, volcano eruptions... even the tsunami back years ago...

All remind me of the apocalypse I saw in my imaginary world...

God bless... God bless us all to do good things and be good people to help ourselves..

The scary forces of nature...

Reloading ratology helped someone... 8-O

Last night, after dinner, my head went circling around like a doggie chasing its own tail.. (how cute... 8-O lol)

"You people blah blah blah.. and blah blah blah... till blah^n..."

Keep on looping through...

Then, I got back to Nvivo... continue to plow through my own codes...

Happy people happy thoughts...

It's only human...

Learn to stop...

Oops... all clear...

It helped... my own writings help at least one person... called myself... 8-O lol

Who do you want to save?  Da self... lol

Happy Six round (What you can do)

I have been attempting to consolidate the codes and define the codes since Happy Fifth round or since Oct. 20th.  I have started to add more sources (blog posts) that I came across which might not the key word "Happy"-- the original criteria for source selection.

I was going to wait till I finish the whole thing but decided to push this update first since it feels right to do so.

So far, I have merged several codes together based on the similarity of the themes.  Some of the codes contains relatively small number of references.  I decide to keep them because, based on my overall recall of the entire dataset, these seem to be some of the recurrent themes.  One reason why only limited number of references are linked to these codes might have to do with the selection of the subset used to create the coding scheme.

Please be also be reminded of the importance of the contextual background.  

The data was collected from a schizo-something patient with the propensity for depression who suffers from chronic pain and physical disability as well as other strange stuffs otherwise not classified. Yet, the case, who happens to be me also, keeps on trying to live to be happy.

Some of the codes might be considered as unconventional such as avoid what makes you not happy, be stupid, etc.  However, these codes have to be understood based on the context from which they emerge.

Following are some of the themes going under "What you can do to help yourself be happy."  Codes listed in alphabetical order.
  1. Accept that somethings won't be the same and rise above it: Getting old, being psychotic, being in chronic pain, being dumb down, unable to lift weight, unable to walk (fast), cripple
  2. Avoid what makes you not happy: Adjust yourself to the circumstances. suffering, dial up
  3. Be honest. Stop lying especially to yourself.
  4. Be with loving people or things: Be with people and nature that love you and who you love. Remember. Don't force yourself otherwise unless you want to... can't help it.
  5. Do your best (merged with no regret): Even if there might be things you can not get done, at least, you made your best judgment, you tried your best and no fear for regretting in the future. 
  6. Find reasonable hobbies that can make you happy
  7. Find your core: What is most important thing in your existence
  8. Happier to give than to receive (merge with tell people about happiness): Concern, freebies, smile, class material, share experiences to help people be happier, give back, give seats away, give directions to help people get unlost
  9. Inner work- 反觀諸己: Bitching about others won't do much good for you, mind your own business, work on yourself
  10. Getting something done (merged with try new things, work): Getting a degree, identify your problem, get the job done (or not), go to work, get data collected, do something new, look for a job, help others even through your being the other person's worse-off, tedious thing such as software recall, cut down on smoking, learn a lesson, clean up, get down with unfinished business such as classes, learn something new, do something not too many people have done before such as "pending" when waiting for the outcome of reinstatement from DHS, kicking on kicking with my broken back and head, put up a poster of junior idols in your room, my work gotten cited.
  11. Give it time for the solution to unfold (merge with Let it run through): Give it time, let it run though, keep on doing what seems to work best on your best judgment and something will clear up.
  12. KISS (Keep it simple and stupid) principle (merge with Let it be. simply happy, Take complements): Work on being simple and stupid
  13. Learn to stop: Somethings you simply have to let it run through. Other things, help yourself to learn to stop especially when associated with the symptoms of "can't mind your own business disorder."
  14. Let go. Parsifal. Sometimes, you should try to allow yourself to simply be stupid if this is what it takes. Say... I am the stupid one, I am the dumb one and I am the imperfect one.  Wonderful.  Let me move on from here and try to do what I can do.
  15. Look for people in worst off state (everybody's got their issue)
  16. Talk to Honest friends: Honest friends will set you straight although sometimes their words might be hard to bear. For your own good.
  17. Trick the Brain (Biofeedback and put a smile on your face)

Code generation history: Strategies (First iteration)+getting things done (Second iteration)+Who I am (Third iteration)+Could do Ordinary thing (Fourth iteration)+Other (fifth iteration)

Following are the codes and the linked source files which will provide more detailed contexts.

The things you can do to help yourself be happy


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Find your core

There is something strange about this code "Find your core."

It keeps coming up to my mind...

I decided to go back to Nivivo to see exactly what I have coded as "Find your core."

Apparently, all pointed to happiness... but.. duh... of course it will all point to happiness since the codes were created based on a subset of Ratology data including the word happy.  In addition, since I had happy in my mind, of course I will go and find evidence supporting happiness as my core.

Yet, although it might not be the exact answer... doesn't feel too far off... 

Perhaps, the core could be something like... be happy with who you are.

I might want to be smarter, more classic, more accomplished, more beautiful, fewer grey hair, better teeth, free of disabilities of any sort, and, of course, most importantly, win a mega so that I can go and buy a share of Berkshire A, an apartment in upper westside, take care of my people and set up a foundation to do my philanthropic work. 8-O lol

However, I am who I am.  

Can I be happy about being who I am?

Now that I am reinterpreting my code this way... guess... shhhhh... I should try to go and look for some more supporting references?

Find your core

The portrait of Ratprincess 作烏龜 doing the turtle thing

Getting sort of... bored from my Nvivo stuffs...

Decided to draw a picture of me doing the turtle thing...

Following is the portrait of Ratprincess 作烏龜... do the turtle thing... exactly what I saw in my mind...


8-O

Speaking of limited my words... even more limited... also... my artistic inclination... lol

Well, you'd better keep your day time job regardless you have one or not.... Just don't go into art... and don't tell people this is the best you can do with Photoshop.... though.. I did this drawing with my left hand controlling the mouse since I sensed that my right hand started showing me its unhappiess and had to switch to a less unhappy hand.... lol 8-X

From it's only human to Phenomenology

Tried to work on defining what I mean by the code it's only human... (just don't stop there)

Wait a minute... where was da original posting mentioning my bring my sorry behind up them stairs up to St. John the Divine to make sure that God hears me calling him a Sxdxstic Bxstxrd?

Miracle that is...

En route, I rediscovered Phenomenology... documented the whole 9 yards after the fireworks grade of pain that led me to ER the second day because I woke up finding my left side partially paralyzed and, of course, in pain.

Still remember vividly how it is though.. no intent for total recall.

Unfortunately... limited are my words, others, the phenomena to capture.

Speaking of... I am surely happy that I were not her.... (supposed to be a quote by Carrie Fisher about Wishful Drinking except for I can't find it through search in my own blog... 8-O lol 8-X)

Something amazing about my parents

There is something absolutely amazing about my parents although they do drive me up the wall.

So I reiterate it to my mom again, "Hope you don't mind my staying in.  When the time comes, I will get out."

Her replied. "OK."

Why post memo?

Why am I posting my memos?  Not to mention the scary clouds of labels?

art (24) Articles (2) Asian songs (1)authorize (17) China (18) Comedy is tragedy in time (2) Conversion disorder(15) data (2) define (1) DHS (29) Do no harm (6) Dry mouth (1) Esophagus (16)Frankl (7) From 2-3 words (45)happy (153) intuition (15) invisible disability (2) Japanese (1) Korea (9) learn(24) Let go (54) Live your life (5) Love(145) Madness (1) memo (35)memory problem (8) Mouth (12) MRI (7)music (5) naive art (21) Nothingness 空(14) Nvivo (34) One step at a time (11)Ouch (14) pain (209) pain-herniation (112) Pretend the outcome (2) Psychosomatization (46)quotes (16) Recipe (2) relationship (40)scenarios (17) Sleep (68) Slow and stop(16) smoke (17) Struggle (43) Struggle and suffer (6) Suffer (45) Taiwan (17)Taiwanese Japanese (5) taiwanese music(11) techno (2) The picture (3) The thing about detour (3) theories (1) Type Chinese(4) Why I blog (5) Yawning (16) 原来是美男(11) 張根碩 (17)

Wouldn't I be showing people how I am roaming around like da qi in my whole body trying to get through all them blockages not knowing exactly where to go? 8-O lol

Also, wouldn't it be showing how subjective this process is?

First, I am still reloading waiting patiently like a turtle for something emerge...

Second, come on... all research is messy by default.. quant or quat.

Third, me looking at data about myself?  How much more subjective could it be?  Accept it and rise above it.  8-O lol

Fourth, I guess.. sort of like what this prof had has taught when he was talking about the shadow of da chair de Marcel Proust... 8-O lol

偏見...偏見...沒有偏那有見... sort of like.. errors.. errors... how can you see the variance shall there be no error?  As long as I keep on trying to recalibrate and attempt to not run into local minima or maxima... I guess..

Final and closing point... and back to the topic...

Why continue to post memos?

I don't know... just like the right thing to do... How does it matter anyways?  8-O lol

Appreciation

Appreciation for gains, regains and ungains (8-O) was one of the most referenced happy codes.    It contains both references from the initial codes of Appreciation and Be grateful and thankful.

I am continuing to work on the sixth version of happy code though it is still in process and will not post it until it is done.  Yet, I decide to bring appreciation out to show you the things you can appreciate in your own life... and hope it will help you feel happy.

Many of the indicators are associated with some part of my malfunctioning body and mind.... and I have roughly classify them into 5 categories.

Come to think about it... no wonder I could try to appropriate parsifal grade of happy.... 8-O lol

How you could feel
  1. You can feel
  2. You can feel happy
  3. You can have motivation
How you can think
  1. You can think
  2. You can read and think
  3. You can read and modify sentences
  4. You can have beliefs
  5. You no longer have to be good all the times
  6. You are delusional so that you don't have too many illusions
  7. and other examples in From 2-3 words
What you... experience?
  1. You have done the things that you can no longer do
  2. You can reclaim the dissolving sense of self
  3. The pain is finally manageable
  4. You can sleep
  5. You are not tired all the times or less tired
What you can do
  1. You can walk
  2. You can walk like a human being
  3. You can give away seats
  4. You could see, hear and do other ordinary things
  5. You can work
  6. You can do things despite of the pain
  7. You can do things in your own capacity
  8. You can get recognizable work done
  9. You can dumb yourself down
  10. You are kicking at large and not behind the gated doors
  11. You can always find someone else worst off..
Who and what you can be thankful of
  1. You have what you have
  2. You have something to thank about
  3. You can thank people for their love, care, help and support
  4. You can thank whoever you can think of
  5. You can thank all
Sources
  1. 6/15/2005 Changes,
  2. 9/20/2005 Constrained yet focused
  3. 4/8/2006 Joy Comes in the Morning
  4. 8/17/2007 Tired... a druggie
  5. 8/12/2007 Miracle
  6. 12/31/2007 Happy New Year
  7. 1/18/2008 To feel,
  8. 1/22/2008 First day back to work
  9. 1/23/2008 My Theresa
  10. 1/25/2008 I have to
  11. 3/26/2008 The other parts of 99.9 percent
  12. 4/24/2008 Regain
  13. 5/1/2008 Motivation
  14. 7/27/2008 Be honest-- happy? 
  15. 8/26/2008 3 dollars left,
  16. 11/26/2008 Speed
  17. 12/12/2008 Grateful
  18. 12/18/2008 Birthday 3
  19. 12/30/2008 Loving Intentions
  20. 1/14/2009 Perk,  
  21. 1/29/2009 Happy: Purple Cow Grade,
  22. 2/10/2009 Evil
  23. 3/10/2009 More on Sleep
  24. 8/5/2009 Ideas,
  25. 8/5/2009 Cognition
  26. 9/7/2009 Something about happiness
  27. 9/11/2009 Academic pursuits
  28. 9/14/2009 Lesson
  29. 9/29/2009 Head
  30. 10/22/2009 Motivation
  31. 10/25/2009 Self
  32. 10/25/2009 Bitch
  33. 12/19/2009 Not again,
  34. 4/17/2010 Dumb down to the lowest common denominator
  35. 6/8/2010 Appropriating real 
  36. 9/6/2010 An ode to Subway elevators/escalators
  37. 9/22/2010 Cited 8-O

An excellent rehab doctor in Taiwan

Regardless whether there is anyone reading my verbal diarrhea... this doctor of mine use the concept of Qi to help treating patients...

When I was in New York city, I went to, theoretically, the top of the top in pain management, neurology, orthopedic and, of course, psychiatry etc... For the whole year, nothing worked...

It was really... 叫天天不應, 叫地地不靈 an era... really 傷腦筋... hurting everyone's brain... 8-O lol

Someone strange like me could be walking on my two feet looking like everyone else provided still at large (fourth day into 6+- mg Seroquel) is largely due to his help.

In case you are in Taiwan and especially in Taipei, I would recommend you to pay him a visit... and hope his treatment would work for you, too.

Even if you are not in Taiwan, welcome to Taiwan to visit just avoid 蘇花公路 nowadays please!

His clinic in 東區 and the following is his website...

http://drhsu21.com/

Do the turtle thing 作烏龜

Because there is blockage in my chest and the qi doesn't flow well, the doctor told me to roll up a towel and lay on my stomach with da rolled-up towel right in the middle of my chest.  I guess.. in a sense, use my own body weight to adjust the structure of my own body gradually...

That night.. I laid there flat on my stomach... four limps out with my head facing forward... I had this vision of a gigantic turtle with four small legs and one large shell on the back... so I thought... wow... like a huge turtle... also... so ist das Ratprincess' version of 龜息大法... (much many martial art fictions I have read. 8-O lol)

No wonder so slow... but.. so they say... live a long and peaceful life I guess... 8-O lol

From that day on... I followed the doctor's instruction to... in my own words, 作烏龜 or do the turtle thing every night... 

One night, my mom would ask me... "Have you 作烏龜 today?"

The other day, my mom got me this other towel and told me.. "I got this for you to 作烏龜."

I thought... now its an everyday expression... 作烏龜.... 8-O lol

At the same time, as time went on through out the past few weeks... the shell seems to get smaller and smaller... till today... it feels as if there are only limps left...

Thus, shall anyone ask me next time...  "Dr. Chang... what have you been up to?"

"閉關作烏龜..." 8-O lol

Physical-therapy-able

After I was done sick in the "can call the chicken, can't blow the fire" state, one day, I said to myself... time to go back to see my doctor... the western doctor who treats me with the concept of qi 氣.

So I went back to see my doctor.  At some point, I asked him... can I do some kind of physical therapy now?

Two years ago.  He said no because, in my words, my entire state was too fxucked up. (pardon me for my language.

That day... he said yes.

Only simple stuffs... tint, heat pad and stretching.

I was over-joyed that day because I felt it to be such a gigantic accomplishment... I am now finally physical-therapy-able!!

God!  Thank you and many more!

I even went and got myself some 魷魚羹米粉... to celebrate...

閉關

Just got back from a press conference for an event to be held in November sponsored, I think, by this super-duper business lady girlfriend of mine...

After the meeting, I came back with some snacks since them young people have to be busy doing what they have to do... Wonderful productive young people....

Caught my own thought...

What the heck are you talking about?

Me ain't that old! 8-O lol

So I kept on walking and at the intersection of Zhongxiao East Road and Fuhsing South road, this gentleman with only one arm came asking me to buy some tissue kinda stuffs from him...

At some point, I told him... "Sorry, sir, but I am also without a job now."

I could sense his sincerity... "Keep on looking hard."

"I surely will."  So I replied with due sincerity while, in my heart... damn... can't shake this feeling that I am holding a full time job if not overtime without payment. 8-O lol

Then I kept on walking bis zu hause sein... 閉關...  閉關.... till the time comes for me to go out for my physical therapy and walking exercise... at least the 鎖國時期 has past because, when I was really sick back a few weeks ago, I really didn't get out at all... 8-O lol

Monday, October 25, 2010

DHS

Something else kept coming up in my past... another theme... my 死纏活纏 wanting to stay in the US...

En route, an object of my undue affection... the department of Homeland Security... wow... how romantic... Almost the Young Wether and Charlotte kinda grade of romantic.... wow... (Here goes my grandiosity again... 8-O lol)

But seriously,  along the way, especially these past two years, my encounters with DHS have been proven to myself today as learning enhancing assessments for my own good...

It forces me to look within myself and ask this question...

What is the core?  Why are you here?

Most importantly, how do I keep myself grounded?

Though I yet have to do a better job in uncovering the core, like the purpose of all assessments, presumably, I have been forced to learn... module by module... one step at a time.

The need to gather all documentations for my medical history since 2007 for the purpose of I-20 extension, for instance, forced me to go back to revisit a past I otherwise would not have done.

This is why, sometimes, I do wonder...

Perhaps, there really is God or some sort of almighty benevolent power overseeing us... with all of us as the medium in the message to be delivered.

Perhaps, this is the reason why I was terminally stuck with the I-20 and why I should have mentioned somewhere that Ratology is my life's dissertation? (God, I think you agree that I am done with data collection and this is only memo... Ok... 8-O 8-X lol)

Regardless...

Does it have to do with your hospitalization?

An interesting question asked by my dad last night...

"Why do you have so much problem with staying in the US?  Does it have anything to do with your hospitalizations?"

Not the first time someone asked similar kinda question...

A question I refrain myself from entertaining because, coming out of my mouth or my head, it sounds pure paranoid kinda delusional... 8-O lol

That gave me a good laugh... so I replied..

"Even so, what can I do?  Sue them on the ground of American Disability Act for discrimination and how do you prove anything?" lol

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/07/26/20-years-of-the-americans-with-disabilities-act/

Declaration for retirement

In the car, last night, Dad wanted to mention to me again about... building a career and blah blah blah...

With your blah blah blah and blah blah blah, you should blah blah blah and blah blah blah.

All them blah blah blah and blah blah blah are associated with this thing called 做大事業.... be a guru in some capacity and build some gigantic reputation... sort of...

So I spoke with as much clarity as I could to both my parents.

"I just want to make myself clear.  I will not do that building a gigantic career kind of thing.  It is not like I have not tried.  I have tried so hard and I have roamed around for all these years....  However, I have been looking back at stuffs I have worked on for the past few years and one major theme I identified in my own writing was dosage adjustment.  When symptoms high, you add more drug.  When overdosed, you reduce drug.  A majority part of my life was spent adjusting to dosage adjustments... not in the nuts house... at large.  I have to stop it if I could, the vicious cycle... 苦海無涯.  I want my health and a life not so very benchmarked by dosage adjustment.  Perhaps, that fall is an actual blessing from heaven.... 下重葯 (heavy medicine or extreme measure.)"

It doesn't mean that I won't work and won't do work... duh... you wanna spend money... you gotta hold a job... You wanna keep da job... you gotta do da work... lol

It doesn't mean I won't do a thing... I actually love doing things and I am a hardworking worker loyal like a dog...

Rather, if staying healthy means I have to short my career department, especially when it actually is not really all that long 8-O lol, I choose health because you ain't gonna go too far without health.

For instance, I won't run for the president and I won't attempt to be Ratprincess Buffett...  8-O lol

Well, somebody else might be able to do better and do more.  Good for them.

After 10 years or more of health problems, I think... I am now entitled to make a decision and take a stand.

So I declared, officially, to my parents my retirement from career pursuits that might cause health hazard.  8-O lol

And I added...

"Of course, I love New York and I like living in New York because I am used to New York.  Yet, if I can't go back, of course, I work wherever I could live and work."  Duh... 8-O lol

They both could understand and both of them commented...

"I didn't know."

So I might have replied... "How could you tell if not told."

Why not tell?

Perhaps, I didn't even know myself.  8-O 8-X lol

Finally lose it..

Gott sei dank... Thank God..

Today I finally lose it all... my code lose... something I started doing on Oct. 17, 2010... 

If you think that it ain't no biggie to try to lose something intentionally, think again... the process of losing it... my code lose... is as strenuous as any pursuit of losing weight... Whoever has attempted such an effort knows how tough it is... 8-O lol

A code involving 125 postings and 273 references...

I would have wanted to simply delete it like some others because I don't want to go back entertain what I might have lost.  Yet, something makes me do it for it seems to be the right thing and this is the proper way of losing it... 8-O lol

Thus, I went back to uncode each every one of them and revisit each every losing instances... with a whole lot of them simply involving my calling myself a lost soul in limbo... 8-O lol

To honor the lost code lose, the following itemizes the lose mentioned without further processing:
  1. Ability to talk
  2. All
  3. Appitite
  4. Brain power
  5. Concentration
  6. Control over delusion
  7. data
  8. ebay-ability
  9. freedom
  10. friend
  11. functional
  12. Got lost in the desert
  13. Hair
  14. health services
  15. hearing
  16. heath
  17. Iliad's Trojan horse... 8-O
  18. Information
  19. Internet connection
  20. job in reality
  21. job, degree, green card in imaginary world
  22. Losing ground to psychotic symptoms
  23. Losing the "sense of self"
  24. Losing the "sense of time"
  25. Lost sight of bears
  26. Love
  27. Marcel Proust
  28. Meaning lost in translations
  29. Memory
  30. Mind
  31. money
  32. Motivation
  33. Multitask
  34. my people
  35. Myselves
  36. nothing
  37. nothing to lose but ourselves
  38. Packets
  39. Ratprincess da gold pendent
  40. ship
  41. Something
  42. soul
  43. steam
  44. The ability to carry/lift weight
  45. the ability to speak my mind such as... bitch
  46. the ability to swallow
  47. time
  48. TNT
  49. tooth
  50. wallet
  51. weight
  52. word
  53. work
  54. Wrist to repeated stress syndrome
After all the wing-flopping-headless-chicken-ness, ain't like there was so much lost... especially when I don't have so much to begin with...  I guess? 8-O lol

And.. now... my body is doing da yawning, tearing, sneezing... etc... again.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Answer my own question

Continue to lose my code lose...and came across ParadoxInsanity posted in 2009.

A comment to myself...

Although you were still really psychotic, you were not losing it because... though I can't tell for sure whether the symptoms really went down after the dosage went down to 400 mg...

Over a year later and from where I stand today... as long as I have not lost it... I figure... you might not be losing it? 8-O


Burden and health

The way I have been living...

sometimes I think... essentially is like... 閉關... really go along with da monk kinda theme... though still ain't quite right for me to be a nun... especially when I have been trying so hard to run away from da nun kinda thoughts.

Nothing wrong being a nun... just I ain't no nun kinda material... and somehow I have this feeling that... no god of any religion want me to be their nun... 8-O lol

On my bus trip to visit my sister, as I was coping with the discomfort all over my body on the bumpy trip, this thought occurred to me...

Why do I try so hard to learn to put everything down as an attempt to recover my body and mind?

One alternative reason...

Burden....

My existence might have needed quite a bit of accommodations and help from people surrounding me up to this point...

Hopefully, I am not yet nobody's burden...

To fix myself well or as well as I could...

I am immunizing myself from becoming a huge flop of burden on the others...

My family..

My friends...

The society as well...

And, leave the precious resources to people who really need it.

Like everyone else, I would still gratefully accept people's support and help... but... I ain't gonna be nobody's burden if I can...


Vanity or not...


This is why I am trying my best to put everything down in pursuit of my holly grail.... health.