Control?

As of this past Monday, the dosage of Seroquel is back down to below 25 mg Seroquel or around 7/8 of 25... yet again... from 300 mg in a about 5 months ago.

Don't know how it is with the other... personally... it is been like playing with Russian roulette...every 2-3 weeks especially in recent times.

It is not like I wanted the dosage to be reduced that I went and get the dosage reduced.

It's just that... every 2-3 weeks I would get over-sedated and experience all the familiar symptoms of drug overdose.  And, it makes it hard to be functional in the world outside of the psychiatric ward.


Sure, for years, I yearned for reduction in dosage... and I actually went on 1/6 or 1/8 of 25 mg.  Yet, today, I beg the reduction to stop because I simply could not handle the Seroquel withdrawal resulting from the never-ending dosage reduction.  Yet, it kept on coming and I doubt whether any of the experts could offer me a sound explanation....

It has become like a deja vu... "Here I go again?"

So, I did live through this past week.

Monday... sleep working the whole day leading me to cut the dosage down by 1/8 (and, yes, 1/8 only).

Tuesday morning... what a lovely day... it felt as I had been sleeping all these times and, finally, I was awake for a change.   Only to realize that the withdrawal does not kick in until later.... Yawning, sneezing, tearing, sleepy, tension headache, itchy...  till the time for the meds.

Wednesday and Thursday... continuation of the regular withdrawal symptoms and the realization that... I have been having the runs... Also, invulnerable body twitch and shake... reminding me of the time when I was on Risperdal.

So I was... twitching and shaking when trying to get a bit more literature reviewed.... good thing my desk is all the way in the back of the room...  Ain't my issue if other people observed it since what else could I do about it?

The pains were exceptionally unbearable on Wednesday...  I thought that the pain was still manageable and did not want to take my Aleve.  Yet, the shakes and bumps and the whole 9 yards on my bus trip home (the unmentioned) proved me wrong... The raining and chilly weather didn't help either. 

The matter of the fact is that... it is not only the pain... it is also the discomfort associated with the entire body bloating to a critical point of explosion.

Why resurrection of pain?  C'mon... any cosmopolitan mental knows it... the disturbance to the neurochemical system that is.

Finally, it was Friday...  I felt better, more alert, less discomfort, and, move better despite of the annoying shooting and throbbing pain here and there although towards the end of the work day, I noticed the energy level was going a bit overboard.... swinging towards to side of racing thought and mania... surprise.

Then, it was about 5:00 when I came chatted with this nice lady- a passersby.  In our conversation, we spoke of her knee problems and some of my minor inconveniences in life.

At some point, the nice lady offered a suggestion, "You should try to relax because the body heals itself."

I am in 100% agreement with her.  A body in distress can not heal.

Somewhere further along the conversation, so she inquired- something like, "Are you in pain?"

"You don't want to perceive it."  So I replied.

"Where are you in pain?"

Reluctantly, I scanned through my body-- from neck down... "From neck down but you try not to feel it."

Gotta be an answer too buzzard for her... "What do you mean?"

Words came out of my mouth without deliberations, "Cognitive control."

After I bid farewell to the lady, the words "cognitive control" stuck to my mind...

Cognitive control?  A notion so very paradoxical in the context of someone with no control at all over the body and the mind and everything else.

And, I thought of the act of my peeping into the world of pains in the reign of my body and them observations of pain.  Out of sight, out of mind.  If can be out of mind, why inviting it into plain sight?

Perhaps, while all controls were taken away, something was spared to this cognitively deviate with a broken piece of body--  cognitive control- nonsensical and paradoxical.

Then, a question...

I can get the relationship between the head symptoms and the dosage adjustment.  But, that body?


I have a naive theory dauerber...

In times of adjustment as such, I can only imagine how the neurochemicals were running around in the hallway not quite sure what was going on.... in a state of chaos.. with my two governments, body and mind, having no inkling what was going on other than outsourcing this thing called time--- for a recognizable path to unfold.  In a state of ain't no body and no mind having no control...  no control was spared to me-- resulting in my exposing nakedly under the reality of the body and mind.

Ya.  There surely is something true in the saying that the longest distances between two places is time.

Regardless, just when I have announced my retirement after reloading for all these years beyond down with meds, reloading themselves-- curious scenarios of meds down with me not (however I beg them to stay).

What can you do?  Since you are still kicking, keep on kicking, crawling, rolling and moving along in the least classical fashion imaginable... I guess-- though en route-- I run my mouth on God or equivalent  constructs a like for the defectory piece of crap kinda intelligent design out of its hand. (OMG... Did I just sin again? lol sigh)

And, why don't I call sick?  Well, the way it goes with my constitutions, the probability of my sick days might beat da conventional .05 level.  lol sigh

At the same time, does the impending reloading of dosage adjustment around corner concern me based on my recent history?  Yes.   But, dig myself further out first.  Unsinn.

Most importantly, am I still psychotic?  Everything I type, say, and do are watched and recorded as evident by the look, the things they say and the sense they give me anytime, anywhere and from anyone.  Let me break the news to you... that is positive-- positively psychotic.

200 mg

As I promised the doctor, I went back to 200 mg last night... to keep my words...

Today, thoughts ran slower as I could observe... and... perhaps... less generative...

Looking back at the 150 mg day, I could identify two or three scenarios within which events such as scenes on TV are read as signs related to real life...

This calls for a reality check because, my experiences so far tells me that when one starts to develop parallel realities about life or what you might call multiple theories about real life... it's a problem.

Today's observation calls me to work on sticking to clarified facts... ignoring synchronicity and all signs to keep me sane and functional? It is because the interpretation of signs are perfect ingredients for the development of delusional systems. An inescapable burden.

I will not allow myself to risk my sanity in the pursuit of functionality if I can... and I have to remind myself from now on...

However hard it might be... I will try...

This is the exact reason why the shrink is worried about further dosage change... and why even I am taking it slow...

Back to the question... what if I continue to feel dissociated and blah blah blah as mentioned in earlier postings after the dosage is lowered?

At this point and at this low dosage... I guess I have no problem switching drugs as suggested by the doc... maybe there is something true that after 7-8 years... Seroquel no longer works the way it used to work and we simply have to start looking for an alternative medicine... Yet, not my issue really at this moment...

Except for... I don't want to go back to Risperdal because it makes my body shake involuntarily and uncontrollably all the times... like what I had witnessed what my uncles did in their entire life.... (unless that was simply the manifestation of the blockage of Xi? Whatever...)

I don't know what other people learned and did today...

One of the few things I learned today and might change tomorrow...

Old wine in new bottle?

It was not until my head starts operate a train stations did I realize that I actually have been dealing with ear ringing all these years except for I simply just deal with it while not knowing that I have been dealing with it.... 8-O lol sigh

For instance, while I was in the psychiatric ward last year, it was much easier for me to fall asleep partially because clonzaepam was part of my daily pills. After I came out, I was only on risperdal and dapakote... Every night, after I took risperdal, it would feel like there is this magnetic field scanning through my brain... and I would hear this really really loud sounds of statics...

Don't quote me... Yet, I believe that that loud statics in my head eventually got tuned down much after I got off risperdal because the unwanted side effect such as uncontrollable drooling and involuntary shaking of body parts such as my legs in addition to the fact that I was having problem sleeping because risperdal is less sedating than Seroquel...

Afterwards, I have continued to experience the ringing in the ear especially bad during night time.... and at times, it would get so loud that it is almost unbearable and all that you could do is to pray to God to make it not so loud so that you could fall asleep...

However, all these have just been the ordinary part of my bedside encounters…

Funny enough… it was not until the train started running over my right brain did I realize that I have had tinnitus throughout all these years although they have been in a different form... 8-O lol

And, if you ask me, is it better to have high pitch ringing or statics kinda buzzing or to have them run-away train kinda annoying sounds?

I can’t really tell you since each kind of experience has the Dasein moments affiliated with it….

Then, yesterday, as I was hanging out with some friends, I was asked something like… at least it is ear ringing—not hearing voices…

Without thinking, I found myself responded with the following comments…
“(with voices), at least you are listening to people talk…”

On a second thought… again… it is sort of difficult to make comparison between apple and orange even though they both are fruit… 8-O lol

In any case, as the song goes... OH!啥咪攏不驚 OH!向前行... However bad or foolish it might seem... you just gotta keep on walking on... keep moving on... 8-O lol



作詞：林強 作曲：林強 編曲：羅紘武
火車漸漸在起走 再會我的故鄉和親戚
親愛的父母再會吧 到陣的朋友告辭啦
阮欲來去台北打拼 聽人講啥物好康的攏在那
朋友笑我是愛做暝夢的憨子 不管如何路是自己走
OH!再會吧! OH!啥咪攏不驚 OH!再會吧! OH!向前行

車站一站一站過去啦 風景一幕一幕親像電影
把自己當作是男主角來扮 雲遊四海可比是小飛俠
不管是幼稚也是樂觀 後果若按怎自己就來擔
原諒不孝的子兒吧 趁我還少年趕緊來打拼
OH!再會吧! OH!啥物攏不驚 OH!再會吧! OH!向前走

台北台北台北車站到啦 欲下車的旅客請趕緊下車
頭前是現在的台北車頭 我的理想和希望攏在這
一棟一棟的高樓大廈 不知住有多少像我這款的憨子
卡早聽人唱台北不是我的家但我一點攏無感覺

Zu Hause sein: Being at home

I have been spending some time in this online social networking place and, today, I found this discussion forum titled "The Mental Ward"...

No offense to my normal people... However, as I was browsing through the postings... I had this strange feeling of... Zu Hause sein: Being at home...

It was then did I realise that... I have been Andrew in the movie Bicentennial man who spent all these years for the others like him and finally find them....

Following is what I posted in this forum:

Just want to say that this feels like heaven to find somewhere where people also have psychosis and/or neurosis as their profile....

Wonderful sense of belonging...

It is as if I have been Andrew in the movie Bicentennial man who spent all these years for the others like him and finally find them....

Following are my responses:

1) Where are you from? Originally from Taiwan, Now in NYC

2) What's your diagnosis? Through out the years, I have been given many different labels, ranging from depression, delusional disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, panic disorder... a neurologist I went to see for my back problem and inability to walk suspected that I might have conversion disorder, a type of psychosomatisation although I have never been officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist with this label

3) Are you on any meds? If so which ones? Through out the years, I have taken zoloft, wellbutrin, zyprexa, risperdal, dapakote, clonazapam and Seroquel. Currently, I am on 500 mg Seroquel daily and Clonazapam whenever I have something like a panic or anxiety attack.

4) Are you under psychiatric care? yes.

5) Do you seek counseling? I used to see a therapist. Nowaday, no because I don't have the money for it.

6) Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes. Three times.... three full-blown psychotic episodes.

7) What other methods do you actively employ for your recovery? Vitamins, walking and qi kinda exercise (the only exercise I could do due to my back condition)as well as a web of social support from family and friends

In addition, my psychosis is late onset... it was not until I was in my 30s when I first experienced psychotic symptoms. I went in and out of the psychiatric ward twice when I was working on my dissertation. Moreover, I was running the experiment for my dissertation all the way till I got locked up and went right back to run my experiments right after I was released... and, I eventually, living with symptoms that never cease, got my doctoral degree...

In other words, neurotic or psychotic, although we might need to take a detour at times, we can do it!!!

Risperdal in the news

Risperdal was the med I was prescribed when I went to the cuckoo cuckoo's nest lasts February (2008).

Although this med is newer than Seroquel (if I have recalled correctly), after consulting with my psychiatrist then, we decided to switch back to Seroquel because of the side effects I have to cope with... namely, drooling (regardless in public or in private), the shaking of my legs (which reminded me of what I grew up observing in my uncles who were diagnosed with early onset schizophrenia), sleep interruption (because it is less sedative than Seroquel) as well as bowl (and possibly gas) problems... in addition to the inability to use my head

In addition, apparently, I had some difficult time during the switching period due to the plausible Risperdal withdrawals... and some pretty bad withdrawals (click here for all Risperdal related posts)...

Then, I came across this piece of news and realised that... what I had was only some Micky mouse grade of inconveniences...


Watch CBS Videos Online

Chicken shit

I would have loved to be so courageous as to really cut the Depakote down by another 250 mg last night...

However, at times, I am still pretty much of a chicken shit....

As I was getting ready to take my pills last night, I stared at the bottle of Depakote---

Thinking...

To be honest, although it has been a bit over a month since I came out from the hospital, there was no change in the meds for the first week, I spent the second week switching from Risperdal back to Seroquel, and, thereafter, within less than 2 weeks, although still at a high dosage of 750mg, the dosage of Depakote has gone down by 50%...

Given the fleeting occurrences of the positive symptoms, I might want to consider to give my body and head a bit more time to come to a homeostasis kinda state.

So, with the pill cutter, I chopped that big pink bill in half and down it with water...

Chicken shit I am... so I thought to myself...

Or, choose the battle to fight and the right way to fight the battle... an alternative way to put it... so I thought to myself again.

Third day on 750 mg Depakote

It is very nice feeling to wake up in the morning seeing the sunlight and the heaviness on the chest and the lethargic kinda feeling is sort of going away, I think.

This is the third day for the dosage of Depakote to go down by another 250 mg...

I had come out from the cuckoo's nest taking 1500 mg of Depakote (mood stabilizer) in addition to either Seroquel or Risperdal (antipsychotic drug). In other words, controlling for the amount of antipsychotic drugs I take, within a month, the dosage of depakote has gone down by 750 mg or 50% percent so far.

Based on my personal expressions, too much of either mood stabilizers and antipsychotic drugs often brings me to a state of depressed mood. Since the last thing I want to do in life is to add even more drug to my system such as increasing the dosage of zoloft (antidepressant), it is a preferable alternative for me to see the decrease of downers (mood stabilizer, antipsychotic drugs)rather than the increase of uppers (antidepressant).

At the same time, the fleeting positive symptoms also give me the scares and makes me feel like walking on thin ice as I struggle day by day to cut down on the dosage of the meds to reclaim the functional part of my head while knowing I am only about 1 month apart from the cuckoo's nest.

During my last meeting with my psychiatrist, I wanted and want to try to cut the Depakote down to 500 mg this week because my head just won't start up and it does not feel so good to be disabled both physically and cognitively.

I said to my doctor, "It's been a month and I can't get my head back (let along the body)."

My shrink provided an alternative view, "It's only been a month."

He wants me to cut down by 250mg only and takes it slow.

Yet, I want to move on with my live and I am done with this Patience thing.

Then, this song came up again to my mind...

Life on the inside is not all that hip...

Life on the outside also is not all that it's cracked up to be (although I know that, when comparing to many other of my folks, I am much luckier because I have a job to go back to for my occupational therapy and... OK... tho cases in the following song shall really still be locked up in my biased opinion...).

Let the loonies loose
BB and The Medicine Men

(By the way, I don't think the lyrics below is applicable to my fellow patients. I believe they are people who do no harm to the others--- just gifted like me... Please read not simply at the surface level and think of their struggles to reenter the society. The majority of psychotic patients I have known do not fit into how psychotics are portraited in the media.)

It was a sunny afternoon in the middle of a springtime week
We were all painting pretty pictures and waiting for our daily pills
Then this pensive little nurse walks in with a message in her hand
She says she has an announcement -
so we all gather around and hear these magic words

(GIRL) Boys, you're free to leave
They're blaming it on the economy
So get your things and follow me
The time has come to turn the asylum key

We walked right out,in single file
All dressed in white, going out in style
All kinds of sickos wearing different kinds of smiles

Bye bye Bob (GIRL) Roadside Strangler (Deep voice)
Gonna miss ya, Billy Child molester
Later..... uhhhh, Jack Grandfather Raper
Charlie... please return that jacket Diagnosis undefinable

Well being back on the outside wasn't all that it's cracked up to be
Finding a job and a place to live with my resume wasn't easy
All my funny farm buddies were experiencing the same dilemma
So most of us kinda slipped back into our old ways - just like before

We walked right out, in single file
All dressed in white, going out in style
All kinds of sickos wearing different kinds of smiles

Let the loonies loose......
Let the loonies loose
Let the loonies loose......
Let the loonies loose.....
Cause we've got nothing to lose

Cable channels and tabloid papparazzis loved it
So did the writers, the publishers and the video chains
The massmedia was having a field day -
We were kinda celebreties
They were making movies, we were free
Everybody was happy -
Cause they had.........

Let the loonies loose......
Let the loonies loose
Let the loonies loose......
Let the loonies loose.....
Cause we've got nothing to lose

Well, sometimes I kind of have my regrets,
I know I hurt some folks like real bad
But society has no place left for me and it needs to cutback all its excess fees
So now I'm the regular guy down the street -
Hey kids, Want some candy????

Let the loonies loose......
Let the loonies loose
Let the loonies loose......
Let the loonies loose.....
Cause we've got nothing to lose

Copyright & Publishing Misty Music SWEDEN

Gas and drug

Today I went to see my psychiatrist, among the topics we discussed about is the issue of the side effect of the medications.

I might be wrong but I think Risperdal is somehow still in my system or my system continue to go through withdrawal.

The shakes are not so bad but I still got the really Canadian Shake and Bake-- or what one might want to label as tardive dyskinesia.

The craving for food, especially for MEAT, has gone done but I could still sense it faintly.

With Seroquel taking over, now my world is less sharp, alert, and, powerpointed... rather, I am back to the state of being sort of fuzzy in the head yet regaining the ability to see alternatives through my peripheral visions.

Two more side effects I mentioned to my psychiatrist were the problems of constipation and passing gas.

Interesting enough, through out the literature, it has been documented substantially that these drugs often lead to irregular kinda bowl movement.

I haven't been able to find any source that indicates "helplessly passing extremely stinky gas" as a side effect. Since there were times when I was at no fault and I smelled similar kinda stinky smell, I have come up with a naive theory that Risperdal might have something to do with it (Ratology, 2008) and patients passing these kinda gas might be experiencing the side effect of Risperdal (My Shrink, 2008). Of course, it might also have something to do with the eating of similar meal as well in the hospital... lol

In any case, now that the price of gas is out of my mind with constipation and the sense of overdosed on drug keeping me occupied, from tonight on, I will be taking 200 mg Seroquel and 1250 mg Depako (instead of 1500 mg) to gradually relief the weight I am imposing on my liver...

drooling

By drooling, I am refering to the activity within which the saliva, the secretions of the salivary glands, falls out of your mouth.

A few days after I stopped taking Risperdal, the problem I have now is more of that of dry mouth than the drooling activity that makes me look extremely unladylike-- when it just come out of my mouth-- oops-- when I was not paying much of my cognitive capacity to monitor its activity.

Don't know whether I have told you this or not, the day I was discharged from the psychiatric ward, I went to get myself some Wanton soup in a Chinese restaurant. I thought I was quite alert...

Yet, when the soup was on the table, as I was staring right into that soup I had been dreaming of, in split second, I found the saliva came out of my mouth unwittingly like Pavlov's dog.

That was the point when I understood why some patients might drool.

It was from then on did I realize that, to cope with the psychiatric condition and its consequences, I also have to spare my already limited cognitive capacity to making sure I do not drool. 8-O lol Sigh

It was much later, after I tried to cope and cope with my own saliva, did I finally have the insight that...

No wonder dentists put the suction thing underneath the tong because that is where the saliva secreted from... 8-O

Something I would rather to have no deep understanding again. 8-O lol

Going out

I was thinking about meat still yesterday-- a whole lot even though that was the second day after I stopped taking Risperdal and switch solely back to Seroquel.

When my psychiatrist checked in with me, I complained something like...

"I can't stop wanting to eat meat. I want meat and I want to eat all the time."

So my sister and I went for a brunch in a Chinese restaurant and we ordered meat dishes.

In the evening, we ate at home but we cooked even more meat.

That was my architect sister's intuitive flooding intervention.

She said, "Let's make you eat so much meat that you would see meat and get sick." lol

I was still thinking about meat today earlier on and that meaty thought and food craving finally seem to to fade away.

Just when I was getting back to this laptop, it occurs to me...

Risperdal is finally and gradually getting out of my system and, perhaps, it really is Risperdal that was causing my meat craving. I won't say, though, that Depako has no contribution at all...

Regardless what they say about how drugs and meds do not deposit in your system, they do and it takes time for them to dissolve...

Meat

I still have the image of meat or steak in my head despite of the fact that the dosage of risperdal has gone down to 2 mg and Seroquel gone up to 150mg.

This makes me think.... would it be actually Depako that is making me think of steak and meat? Would I have been barking at the wrong tree? 8-O lol

Tonight the dosage of Risperdal would go down to 0 mg and Seroquel up to 200 mg.

In around 2 days, we would be able to tell which drug is at fault for my meaty thinking... lol

Perhaps, withdrawal or change of guards

Perhaps, what I am experiencing more and more frequently and intensively is the withdrawal from Risperdal... it's about 15-16 hours since I took the decreased dosage.

My extremity now is either cold like ice or burning hot... (and now I know what it means to have burning pain officially, I guess, something I have stated to not want to understand)

My body is shivering and hands are shaking like the real Canadian shake and bake. lol

Sort of having problem to coordinate my body-- including writing and typing also slowered.

However, it is ok... withdrawal will pass and I will be fine, I know.

Or, since Seroquel still is moving in, let's call it the change of guards phenomena....

If you have any question, ask it, cause I will not dwell in withdrawal forever and I will grow out of it.

Risperdal withdrawal

I have been sneezing all morning, in addition to the tiredness resulting from the reintroduction of Seroquel back to my system.
I just could not wake up... not until I finally, after a cup of tea, added another cup of coffee and 2 smokes to jump the batteries of the engine in my head.
Still now... my head is singing... "I'm sleepy... I'm sleepy... I'm so very very very very sleepy..." or "Seroquel... Seroquel... Seroquel now is so very very very very sedating..." lol
"Why do I sneeze?" So I asked myself...

Could it be I am catching a cold due to the fact that Naproxen (the pain killer) works by bringing down the immune system?

Or, could it be the withdrawal symptoms of letting go with Risperdal?

Then, I thought... what are the commonly known withdrawal symptoms for Risperdal? Please find following a list of Risperdal Withdrawal symptoms I found in one of a webpage.
The closest observation I found is Keratoconjunctivitis Sicca where the eyes are dry due to the lack amount of tears secretion.
In addition, I don't know whether it was placebo effect or not... one thing I know is that... I am less obsessive about meat now than before (especially after I had a sausage early in the day as per request of my body lol).
The mood is still flat and possibly has something to do with the 1500 mg Depako (mood stablizer) that I am on and I can't wait for the phasing out of Risperdal to be completed so that something could be done about the lowering of Depako dosage so as to allow me to be myself again.
Since there doesn't seem to be any report about cold like symptoms as the side effect... and, at the same time, I have only been on this drug for a month, the sneezing I had been experiencing might have been the cold I caught from my sister as a result of her visit and the lowered immune system capability--- unless it is me finally developing the thing called allergy in the season of spring awakening... 8-O lol








Risperdal Withdrawal symptoms:

1. Anorexia – No longer having a desire to eat.
2. Apothous Stomatitis – Painful red and swollen open sores on a mucus membrane of the mouth commonly called a canker sore.
3. Ataxia – Loss of the ability to move the body with coordination.
4. Arterial Fibrillation – A condition of abnormal twitching of the muscles in the blood vessels that moves the oxygenated blood from the heart to the rest of the body. The unusual twitching is rapid and irregular and replaces the normal rhythm of contraction of the muscle, which sometimes causes a lack of circulation and pulse.
5. Blood Cholesterol Increased – An abnormal condition where there is a greater amount in the blood of the oily/fatty substances known as cholesterol. Cholesterol is a necessary part of living cells (along with proteins and carbohydrates). Because cholesterol only slightly dissolves in water, it can build up on the walls of the blood vessels, therefore blocking/decreasing the amount of blood flow, which causes blood pressure to go up. If not corrected, this condition is associated with coronary artery disease.
6. Blood Creatinine Increased – A greater than normal number of creatinine or muscular chemical waste molecules in the blood. Creatinine plays a major role in energy production in muscles. Since creatinine levels are normally maintained by the kidneys, Blood Creatinine Increased is an indicator of kidney malfunction or failure.
7. Blood in Stool – The blood that is in your bowel movement usually comes from any place along your digestive tract (from your mouth to your anus). The stool can appear black and foul-smelling (usually from the upper part of your digestive tract) or red or maroon-colored (usually from the large intestine area). Hemorrhoids are the usual cause for blood in the bowels.
8. Bundle Branch Block Right – These are specialized cells in the upper right heart chamber and are the heart’s pacemaker. They send electrical signals to the heart that keeps it beating or contracting regularly. Normally the signal goes to the lower heart chambers at the same time through the bundle of His (hiss) on both the left and right sides of the heart, so the lower chambers contract at the same time. When the bundle is damaged on the right side, the signal does not fire at the same time as the left, which changes the pace of blood flow. This can lead to a person fainting.
9. Cardiac Failure – A heart disorder where the heart does not function as usual and may completely stop working.
10. Cardiac Failure Congestive – The body is asking for the heart to supply more blood than it is capable of producing and maintaining. Normally, a body can tolerate an increased amount of work for quite some time. The condition is characterized by weakness, shortness of breath, and a fluid build-up in the body tissues causing swelling.
11. Cold Sweat – The skin is clammy and moist and you feel chilled. This is a reaction to a shock or pain as well as to fear and nervousness.
12. Colitis – A condition where the large intestine becomes irritated from the use of the drug.
13. Coronary Artery Disease – A condition where the blood vessels that mainly carry the blood away from the heart become clogged up or narrowed usually by fatty deposits. The first symptom is pain spreading from the upper left body caused by not enough oxygen reaching the heart.
14. Dehydration – An extreme loss of water from the body or the organs of the body as in sickness or not drinking enough fluids.
15. Diplopia – The condition where a person is looking a one object and instead of normally seeing just the one object he sees two. This is also call double vision.
16. Diverticulitis – There are pouches or sacs on the inside of the intestines that look like fingers. This increases the area for the body to absorb nutrients as they pass through the intestines. These sacs become irritated and swollen and end up trapping waste that would normally be eliminated, causing pain and constipation.
17. Dysarthria – The inability to control the mouth muscles when forming words so the words are not clearly spoken and heard.
18. Dyslipidemia – The normal fat metabolism in the blood is interfered with.
19. Dysphagia – Trouble swallowing or the inability to swallow.
20. Ecchymosis – When a blood vessel breaks and creates a purple discoloration of the skin.
21. Edema – An abnormal build up of excess fluids in the cells, tissues, and the spaces between the tissues creating swelling.
22. Edema Peripheral – The abnormal build up of fluids in the tissues of the ankles and legs causing painless swelling in the legs, ankles, and feet. If you squeeze the swollen area it leaves an indentation on the skin for a few minutes.
23. Ejaculation Delayed – The man is not able to release sperm either during sexual intercourse or with manual stimulation in the presence of his sexual partner in spite of his wish to do so.
24. Ejaculation Dysfunction – A condition where the man has one or more of the following symptoms: He is not able to have an erection, not able to have an orgasm, has a decreased interest in sex, is sexually inhibited, or it is painful to ejaculate sperm.
25. Erectile Dysfunction – Incapable of having sexual intercourse. Even though a man desires sex he is inhibited in his sexual activity and is unable to have or maintain an erection of the penis.
26. Erythema – a skin redness caused by the swelling with blood of the tiny blood vessels of the skin as in burns.
27. Erythematous Rash – Redness of the skin from the swelling of the tiny blood vessels with skin irritation (itching, burning, tingling, pain) and breakouts (eruptions).
28. Esophageal Stenosis Acquired – The tube that moves food from the mouth to the stomach narrows.
29. Exfoliative Dermatitis – The unusual and not normal condition of scaling and shedding of the skin cells. The skin is usually red colored.
30. Face Edema – The tissues of the face become swollen.
31. Feeling Jittery – A physical sensation of nervous unease.
32. Gastric Irritation – An inflamed and sore stomach.
33. Gastric Ulcer – An open, irritated, and infected sore in the wall of the stomach.
34. Gingivitis – Sore, swollen and red gums in the mouth that bleed easily.
35. Glaucoma – The delicate nerve to the eye, the optic nerve, becomes easily damaged with the build-up of excess fluid pressure within the eyeball. The first sign of glaucoma is loss of peripheral (side) vision. It can progress to total blindness.
36. Hepatic Steatosis – Excessive amounts of fat in the liver.
37. Hyperhidrosis – The triggering of an excess of sweat being produced on the soles of the feet, the palms, or the underarms which can cause embarrassment or losing grip on a pen or other items.
38. Hyperkeratosis – An abnormal enlargement of the skin tissues causing the skin cells to increase in size.
39. Hyperlipidemia – An abnormally high number of fat cells in the blood.
40. Hypertriglyceridemia – Too many triglycerides in the blood.
    Triglycerides are three fatty acids bound together in one molecule stored by the body and available to create high levels of energy when used.
41. Hypoesthesia – A partial loss of sensation or general loss of awareness.
42. Impaired Gastric Emptying – The contents of the stomach are not passed into the intestines as normal due to the stomach losing the muscular strength to do so.
43. Increased White Blood cell Count – This is an increase in the number of cells in the blood that are responsible for the removal of bacteria and other unwanted particles. They fight disease and infection by enclosing foreign particles and removing them. An example of a disease that would increase white blood cell count would be Leukemia.
44. Insomnia – Not able to fall asleep or sleeping for a shorter time than desired, thus not being able to properly rest and feeling un-refreshed. As a result, a person can become irritable, have difficulty concentrating and feel a lack of energy. This can be caused by stimulants such as by caffeine or drugs or by mental anxiety and stress. Mental stress can be communicated and relieved.
45. Irritable Bowel Syndrome – A painful condition where the either the muscles or the nerves of the lower intestines, are not responding normally. This results in an alternating condition of diarrhea followed by constipation, back and forth.
46. Keratoconjunctivitis Sicca – A condition where the outer coating of the eyeball is dry because of a decrease in the normal amount of tears in the eye. As a result, the eyeball and inside of the eyelid thickens and hardens sometimes causing the vision to be less sharp.
47. Leukopenia – An unnaturally low number of white blood cells circulating in the blood.
48. Loose Stools – The bowel movement is runny instead of formed.
49. Lower Abdominal Pain – A hurtful irritation of the nerve endings in the area of the hipbones housing the lower digestive tract. Pain usually means tissue damage.
50. Lymphadenopathy – The lymph nodes, where the immune cells are located, become larger than is normal because of a high concentration of white blood cells.
51. Macular Degeneration – The gradual loss of central vision, which is the sharpest vision while peripheral eyesight, is unaffected.
52. Maculopathy – An abnormal condition of the yellow spot of the eye, which is located in the center of the inner lining of the eyeball and connected to the main nerve to the eye and is responsible for sharp vision.
53. Mania – Unusually irrational, excessive and/or exaggerated behavior or moods ranging from enthusiasm, sexuality, gaiety, impulsiveness and irritability to violence.
54. Melena – Abnormally darkly colored stools as a result of hemorrhaging in the digestive tract where the blood has interacted with the digestive juices creating the dark color in the bowel movement.
55. Micturition Urgency – A sudden desire to urinate usually followed by leakage.
56. Mood Swings – An emotional shifting as from a state of happiness to a state of depression for a period of time.
57. Myocardial Infarction – The blood going to the heart is delayed or stopped causing middle muscle tissue in the heart wall to die.
58. Nasopharyngitis – Irritation, redness and swelling tissues in the nose and the tube leading from the mouth to the voice box as well as the tubes leading to the ears.
59. Nephropathy – An abnormally functioning or diseased kidney.
60. Nervousness – Jumpy, jittery, anxious, and troubled with an irritable temperament.
61. Night Sweats – The water-salt, waste product the skin releases is called sweat or perspiration. With night sweats you become wide awake in the middle of the night shivering and cold and wet with your sheets/pajamas soaked in perspiration making it difficult to go back to sleep.
62. Nightmare – Dreams that make you afraid or leave feelings of fear, terror, and upset long after waking up.
63. Orgasm Abnormal – Unable to have an orgasm with normal sexual stimulation.
64. Oropharyngeal Swelling – A swelling in the area from the soft part of the roof of the mouth to the back of the mouth.
65. Pain in Extremity – A painful feeling in the legs, arms, hands, and feet.
66. Pharyngolaryngeal Pain – Pain in the area of the respiratory tract (organs of breathing) from the throat to the voice box and above the windpipe.
67. Photopsia – A condition where a person see lights, sparks or colors in front of your eyes.
68. Photosensitivity Reaction – An exaggerated sunburn reaction that is not normal in proportion to the amount of exposure to the light.
69. Pollakiuria – Urinating much more frequently than normal – as often as once every five to fifteen minutes.
70. Pressure of Speech – A condition where the individual cannot voice his ideas fast enough with the pressure of there being not enough time to say it.
71. Pruritic Rash – Extremely itchy, red, swollen bumps on the skin.
72. Pyrexia – Fever or the increase in body temperature that is usually a sign of infection.
73. Retinal Detachment – The thin layer lining the back of the eyeball (the retina) detaches from the back of the eyeball. This thin layer is like the film of a camera because it sends the images a person views to the brain. When it detaches it causes a reduced ability to see.
74. Rigors – Shivering or shaking of the body as if chilled, preventing normal responses.
75. Skin Ulcer – An open sore or infected skin eruption with swelling, redness, pus, and irritation.
76. Sleep Disorder – These are a list of sleep disorders such as teeth grinding, insomnia, jet lag, sleep walking, abnormally falling asleep during the middle of a conversation after a full night’s rest, uncontrolled body motions keeping one awake, etc.
77. Suicide, Completed – An attempted attack on oneself that is life threatening results in death.
78. Upper Respiratory Tract Infection – Where the organs of breathing near the mouth such as the nose and sinuses, become infected and are usually treated by antibiotics.
79. Urinary Hesitation – Hard to start or hard to continue emptying one’s bladder.
80. Urinary Incontinence – Urinating without intending to do so because of a weakening of the muscles in the hip area from the drug affecting the nerves or the drug blocking a persons thinking process.
81. Urinary Retention – The inability to completely empty the bladder despite having the urge to do so. This can lead to infections or damage to the urinary organs.
82. Urine Flow Decreased – Dehydration of the body causing a lesser flow of urine than normal with the body reabsorbing the waste.
83. Urine Output Decreased – A condition where the output of urine produced in a 24-hour period is less than 500 ml.
84. Weight Decreased – Unintentional weight loss.
85. Weight Increased – An unusual, usually rapid weight increase.

What about tomorrow?

Tonight, I will be taking 100 mg seroquel and 2 mg Risperdal.

The inclusion of Seroquel last night had allowed me to slept through a good 9-10 hour sleep and kept me sleepy the whole day.

It is nice to be symptom free but I can't help wanting to allow the engine of my head to reach its full capacity shall it wants to.

We will still what is to happen tomorrow when working hours are scheduled to be 9 to 5.

Insanity

I walked out of my physical therapy evaluation all puzzled again today because, first, I was told that the court reverted the order of physical therapy of the back (by the response I got from asking the question, "even though the physical therapy was authorized in court") and the insurance company would only pay for the kneel rehab now.

Then, there was all these problem about a doctor's note about me going back to work... issued in the afternoon when in the morning I was still institutionalized in the coocoo's nest that day. I asked the lady to specify stair climbing kinda thing as still out of my bandwidth... possibly due to my inability to really think to straight at that time, the lady asked me to me it down in words. I was given the note. And, today, I was told that it might cause trouble now because it is a legal document and I shall have left that note along even though stair climbing is difficult for me.

"When will the storm be by-gone?" I first thought.

"The people at the physical therapy place were reacting to the scenario presented in their face purely because these are annoying correspondences."

I then looked around... and kept on looking around...

I remember this feeling...

Nobody knows me, nobody cares about me, nobody gives a rat's ass about ratology and everyone living in their own world...

This is the feeling called not being delusional... however temporary it might last.

Further down the road I traverse, I thought to myself...

In forensic psychology class, they taught us about the pros and cons of the insanity plead.

"You can't be serious about asking someone just got discharged to be responsible for that note from doctor's office given both the mental conditions and influence of the medications? " You gotta be insane such to intend... and, again, which part of insanity in myself don't I understand? Sigh

(Dosage of the day: 4 mg Risperdal, 50 Seroquel, 1500 Depako, 50 mg Zoloft, 1000 mg Naproxen)

Scheduled change in meds

I got to my visit with my psychiatrist late today due to one of the side effect of switching to Risperdal.... sleep interruption.

Getting to the meeting 20 minutes late was not what I had intended but it happened.

I walked into the room, putting the blame on the side effect of the drug...

My psychiatrist said something like, "Won't you be early instead..."

Well, I got up after 6-7 hours of sleep and could not fall back asleep. After noticing some of my cold like symptoms such as sneezing, I decided to take an Alleve and that put me down.

By the time I woke up from my vivid dream (another side effect of the drug), I was about to be late and, this round, the engine of my head would not want to start.

Since we had not much time left and the major issue to address is the meds, I essentially projected in my head the itemized side effects in powerpoint format as listed in previous postings (the clinical implications of private or public blogs).

Then, we moved on to figuring out the issue of...

To Risperdal or not to Risperdal.
That's the question

Plan A: Lower Risperdal to 3 mg and depako to 1000 mg (both lowered)

Plan B: Bring back Seroquel and phase out Risperdal while controlling for the dosage of Depako (clinical trial here.... lol 8-X lol)

I chose plan B.

There are still cognitive side effect such as the decreased working memory and difficulties in encoding new information. However, when compared to Seroquel, the cognitive side effects seem to be less prominent.

In my much younger and more courageous age, I might have opted to test out plan A and try to overcome the remaining of the side effects... except for...

I am done with my share of being my own big lab rat... lol :-O

Let me go back to my ordinary abnormality and let the engine starts what however rate it should.

Let the slowness and sleepiness, at least, temporarily, prune them snapses no longer so very useful to me since all I need now is common sense, in addition to people I love, people who, me, love-- including that stupid husband of mine who still does not know it is me he is searching for lol, a full-time job.

In addition to the dosage I have been on all these time, I will be taking an additional 50 mg of Seroquel, which could serve as a sedative to at least give me more uninterrupted sleep so as to destress the stress imposed by the anxiety about not being able to sleep (I really love run-on sentences and guess this is why I don't really like writing academic paper... lol) and keeping my neurotransmitters happily resting in club meds... wearing their sun glasses and drinking their strawberry margaritas... lol

In the mean while, let me get back to clean my room...

My cleaning freak sister arriving tonight and the first thing you could do to destress is to walk right into the eye of the storm and take care of it... I guess... and... sometimes... lol

The implication of 成家

I think I have spent the past 36 years or so of my life trying to overcome the to-be-someone-ab-normal syndrome.... and this might have something to do with my applying for green card under the extraordinary kinda category.

I guess, I just could not understand how people could accept to just live a life and be who they have been without wanting to do something and become someone even more extraordinary.

Such is the rambling of an ignorant idiot since undoubtedly, we all are blessed in certain ways and experts in our own domain-- whether you believe it or not.

These past few days. possibly due to the deposit of the meds in my body plus the sedating effects of the drugs, I am having visions in my mind how wonderful it is going to be to settle down, to stay home doing some cooking the greens I grow by the window pane, to take a full time job that is "離家近, 工作少, 睡覺睡到自然醒,"and, one day, my 牽手 and I would realize that, 瞬然間, 兒女徒孫忽成行--

Wouldn't it be wonderful to be doing my craft, baking my cookies, or cooking up a meal while waiting for children to come home for the holidays.

Then, I said to myself--- this can not be me... such not what I would say before my June 19th, 2007 accident... or maybe before I changed to Risperdal.... side effect... 8-O

(With this posting, I will be testing out the function of posting Chinese text s using Google Docs to blogger. Apparently, google doc apparently obtain the format of texts pasted through other sources. I had to copy the whole post, pasted it in word, clear the format, repaste the text in google docs, and repost it to blogger to make this posting this time. To much work for one simple task.)

The implications of "I am full"

I happily slept through the night without interruption and woke up freundlich to the bright day light.

Then, I went and cooked myself some veggies and an egg with noodles for breakfast.

A big breakfast when compared to my ordinary diet.

I thought that was one big meal... I finished the veggies and had a banana... couldn't even finish the noodles.

I thought that shall that care of the eating department like what it used to do.

Yet, at around 1:00, not too long after I got to work, I found myself hunger for and could not stop thinking about MEAT-- ya, the animal grade kinda protein kinda meat.

Hypothesis 1: The "hunger" could be a manifestation of another side effect caused by Risperdal--- restlessness and the inability to concentrate on what I would like to concentrate on such as reading about multidimensional scaling...

Hypothesis 2: It could also simply be the manifestation of another side effect of the drug... increased appetite and decreased metabolic rate. This is the reason why people gain weight after they start taking the medicine.

Hypothesis 3: In addition, even during my ordinary life, abnormal or not, I could go on for a while without eating meat and there would come, suddenly, the time, when my body tells me to get some meat to eat. Except for, this seems to be happening a bit too much more frequently in the past 5 days or so. Could it have something to do with the fact that my body is going through meat withdrawal since there was never a day I ate meat not in the hospital? lol

Irregardless (double-negative to emphasize my point) the reason, I know there is only one means to end this problem of my headless state of being and that is--- go get some meat.

So I went to the truck and got myself some nice lamb over rice....

It tastes so wonderful and a few bites down--- the craving is gone and I sat by the table, wondering to death, to myself...

"I am full. I didn't even eat so much... How could I be full?"

Since I was still thinking about meat after a smoke although the obsessive thinking did go down, restlessness might have partially contribute to my inability to stop thinking about meat but it is not the sole contributor of the problem.

This leaves us with hypothesis 2 and 3 as the competing hypotheses.

Since I was already full after around 10 bites, I will not rule out the contribution of increased appetite on a long journey traversed for 10 bites. Yet, I could not stop wondering whether the meat withdrawal hypothesis is one with greater explanatory potential.

Regardless... what does this posting offer us other than I like meat a lot sometimes? lol

1. My deductive reasoning skills seem to still be fairly intact.
   
2. This is a proof that I can not write a book yet to come out to the public since I really need a full time job to give my head something better to think of-- and coming out from where? lol
   

Most importantly, this posting is created using Google Docs and I will experiment, for the first time, editing the text using Google Docs and posting the document to my blog.

One stone, multiple birds, I guess, in an era of slow processing speed. lol

Feeling normal

It brought to me worry while at the same time relief, today, when I took my little after dinner walk down the street.

I walked 4 blocks up and down and I observed intensified severity and frequency of my psychotic symptoms.

They were talking more about me although I forgot what they were talking about. Ordinary kinda stuff I guess...

It was really night and day between night and day or before and after the wearing out of meds.

Early on in the day, I was relatively symptom free and relatively functionally.

I guess it might also have something to do with my getting not enough sleep last night (woke up again in the middle of the night due to the switching from the more sedating seroquel to Risperdal) and having to wake up early to work for the whole day today.

Paradoxically, it is a relief and now I feel more normally abnormal and not so scared. :-O

How funny is it... once it was my goal to fight off abnormality and now it is in the ordinary abnormality do I find a sense of relief..... 8-X lol

Fear

It might sound paradoxical to say things like I am afraid of my being able to adjust too well... and, hopefully, it was just my misperception.

Why hopefully?

I am on 4mg risperdal, 1500 mg dapako, and 50 mg zoloft. I am 1 week and 2 days discharged from the hospital.

Up to today, the brain power has rebounded back to about 60% of the capacity, with a margin of 5-10% or so, which is something I have never experienced before (can't teach an old dog a new trick)

Such rate of rebound is alarming to me because it results in my concern about the effectiveness of medications for me in the long run and shall I need them.

One common symptom experienced by psychotic patients is magic thinking...

One theme in my head this far is that... some people might really have special magic powers that could help people such as witches etc. And, perhaps, it is the good witches that are helping me to adjust to this ground breaking rate of rebound (to myself).

The magic thinking is one I would like to believe in because...

It takes the fear away about what one could turn to when, one day, drugs have problems working...

Where are the alternatives to help one keep one's cognitive competent while having to undergo the inevitables?


http://ratologyreloaded.blogspot.com/2008/03/coping.html