Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Chicken soup


Sunday, March 28, 2010

Ratology can wait-- till today

I haven't been jotting thoughts down for a while even in my internal blog or journal.

The following words spoken by my voices captures it all...  "Ratology can wait."

It ain't gonna do nobody good if I am not in a stable and healthy state.

Think this might be time for some notes:

The core assumption: alright, I am abnormal.  As a result, any deliberation about whether I am crazy or not is non-sensical.

Meds:  Somehow there was the feeling that I was becoming overdrugged again.  It's been a week since I am on 100 mg Seroquel as opposed to 150 mg (and as opposed to 600 mg I was on last year this time).  Strange enough, symptoms are like ships passing in the sea.

The main life's tasks now a days: stay 空空 (Taiwanese expression of dumb dumb I guess... 8-O lol) and do exercise, eat well and walk.

Survival principle: Some things I have been learning to practice these past few weeks if not months:
  1. Dedramatization: Given my conditions (hallucinations, delusions), I am a certified drama queen... as a result, you want drama? Go watch TNT.
  2. Dumb and dumber: It is actually my preferred state now to not have to think too much especially when, for me, a lot of thoughts are very useless.   Moreover, somehow I am coming to believe that my biggest problem in life is that I am too good at thinking... good to the extent that I got myself thoughts intoxicated.  8-O lol sigh
  3. KISS (Keep it simple and stupid): If I like something then I say I like it and I act on it. I love food therefore I eat. What is the need for them strange complications. (No wonder sometimes I seriously think that, I am crazy but normal people are crazier... 8-O oops... )
  4. Don't know nothing: Just live it and I have the feeling that I can live through it. I don't need to know (e.g., why the cold running through all over the body... the extremely uncomfortable feeling of energy running through out too fast...   why walking in and out... blah blah blah... til why feeling my whole body bubbling recently... sort of like a fish... 8-O lol etc). The more I try to know, the more useless thinking I engage myself in, the more efforts I make to drive myself nuts... I guess... 8-O lol
  5. "I am not entertaining it."... or the 無聊 or 吃飽太閒 (in Taiwanese even better) principle... or the Harry Potter "ridiculous" strategy:  many of the things could be it... a means towards dedramatization.

    Side thoughts about them normal people....  the burden of being normal.... too much slack.... 8-O lol oops...

    I have a good feeling, though, that... soon... all these will run through...  As for the keeping my head and mind empty thing.... what is the point of trying to stuck more stuffs into your head if the purpose is to vacuum it? And, how on earth could I have lived my past life the extreme of a type A personality in New York City?  (is she crazy? check your assumptions.)

    On my way home, this thought emerge... Thank God not I am not the norm... otherwise, shall the entire world be operating under my kinda MO... we would all be but waiting to eat air or 吃空氣... 8-O lol

    Therefore... you know.. it is ok to be normal.... whatever it might mean for the normal to be normal...

    Time to take a walk.

    Saturday, March 6, 2010

    The unavoidable

    Got this email from someone who I have not heard of for the longest time.... telling me that she was severely ill.

    The last time I spoke with her really, I was listening to her and I saw myself.

    I told her.

    "You might not want to believe it but you need to see a psychiatrist.  I don't know your diagnosis but you are psychotic because I am one."

    Like me at the onset, she did believe it and, I suspect, neither did the people she knew.

    Instead of going to see a psychiatrist, she chatted with this acquaintance of her who was a school guidance counselor in training and cooked up the diagnosis of some kind of personality disorder.

    Today, it is my belief that...

    Coping is difficult.  Granted.

    At points, you falter and you get back to the cuckoo's nest.  This mostly has to do with the fact that symptoms morph and they morph.  In other words, simply because you are aware of the fact that you are psychotic doesn't immunize you... otherwise, I would not have gone back to the psychiatric ward for the second and third time.

    And, honestly, today, I have eventually moved to a stage within which I am not even gonna entertain why so many of us have to go through similar process yet needing to find our own way home....

    However, the most difficult part, in retrospective, is living with and through the onset.... especially when... you and the people you know simply can not believe that you could be one of them.... psychotic.

    (Think about this... how guilty might you feel trying to even conceive the notion that... so and so is having a psychotic onset....)

    After I heard from her, I felt a bit guilty because... what if I have tried harder to persuade her to see a licensed doctor instead?  Would that have helped her to prevent the worsening of the symptoms?

    Then, I realized that it was a nonsensical thought.

    First of all, it is not like I am her family and there is anything else I could have done about it.

    Second, patients need to have enough of I don't know what you might call it and knows that they need help.

    Rethinking the onset...

    I actually was seeing a psychiatrist and my psychiatrist actually told me point-blank... "you are delusional."

    I walked out of the clinic, getting back to work... thinking... "He is part of the conspiracy."

    Luckily, some time later, I eventually walked myself into ER voluntarily on that Saturday afternoon and told the people on duty.  

    "I need to be locked up."

    So I shipped myself into the psychiatric ward for the first time because I realized that I was losing control over my ability to concentrate...  8-O (Still lack of insights I guess... Yet, enough of insight for help seeking behavior.)

    So I think... ouch... ouch... ouch...

    All the advances they speak of in science etc.... onsets still pop up left and right all over the globe?!

    Could it be... the unavoidable--- the unavoidable.

    And, how could it be?  The unavoidable remains the unavoidable?!

    What could help?

    One thing I am pretty sure is that... since even in person communication didn't seem to help at all, this blog... What help?

    Tuesday, March 2, 2010

    Take a free picture with Oscar Statutte

    Can across this following event when walking down to Time Warner Center this past Sunday...

    In case you want to take a free picture holding an actual Oscar Statutte, checking the following link for event info...


    Have fun!