1 and 1/2 of 25 mg +-

The night I made the post on dosage adjustment... I realized that I actually took 1 and 1/4 of 25 mg Seroquel by mistake since there was still 3/4 of the 25 mg pill left in the pill cutter.  Since going down from 50 mg (2 25 mg pills) is almost like going down by 50 percent, ain't no way of doing dosage adjustment.  Why didn't I suffer more from the dosage adjustment and the withdrawal?  Guess, having been exceptionally overdosed for all these months, still quite a bit of residuals of Seroquel in the body.

That night, I took the 1 and 3/4 of the 25 mg pills to be on the safe side.  Forget about the fish on the cutting board when trying to fall asleep, I spent the next day feeling the entire body all tight... uncomfortable.

It was then did I decide... what about 1 and 1/2 instead?  Taking the middle value?  From then on to date, still dosage adjustment though at the amount of 1 and 1/2 of 25 mg +-... still the "unmentioned."

This is why... crying out loud... "Where is my cure?"  A cure that free me of the symptoms, the side effects of the medication, and the never-ending dosage adjustment!



Ratology Reloaded: 1 and 3/4 of 25 mg +-: So, after a prolonged wait (months), in the face of the ever intensifying fish on the cutting board and the fear for esophageal spasm , dos...

1 and 3/4 of 25 mg +-

So, after a prolonged wait (months), in the face of the ever intensifying fish on the cutting board and the fear for esophageal spasm, dosage change again... decreasing from 50 mg to 1 and 3/4 of 25 mg +- (since there is no way to cut a 25 mg pill in equal quars).

The adjustment... live it like how I have to live it before... just the reloading of the same old scenario... unmentioned cuz no need to mention no more. 8-X lol sigh



Ratology Reloaded: My biggest struggle--again: I really don't wanna have no nothing to do with this struggle again... why... all these months... just let it be 2 whole pills... as lo...

My biggest struggle--again

I really don't wanna have no nothing to do with this struggle again... why... all these months... just let it be 2 whole pills... as long as enough cognitive capacity to do some work now and then.

With the intensified fish on the cutting board... might have to jump back to the sea of suffering... pill cutter here I come!

Really 苦海無涯 (there is no end to the sea of suffering)... just kept on getting sucked back to da aqua... (Geez... I really have low tolerance for suffering... This also accounts for suffering? But do it yourself and you shall know... 8-O lol)



Ratology Reloaded: My biggest struggle: This past two months or so, every night, I have to fight this biggest struggle in my life... cutting pills (8-O lol) The task of cutting a...

DWM and bend and snap

Totally gonna stick to two and a half pills of 25 mg Seroquel until the last minute since them higher level cognitive processing that is required for yours sadomasochist to work on this psychotic model of my cuckoo head is a real...@#$%& (meaning I am not gonna go down on dosage until the fish on the cutting board thing gets too unbearable and, of course, before esophageal spasm strikes however sedated I might be the entire day as long as I have sufficient cognitive capacity to do 1-2 hours of da work to ensure Seroquel can shut the head down afterwards sucessfully...)

Higher level up, thought racing propensity up, grandiosity up and delusions also up... like bend and snap it never fails! 8-O 8-X lol

As per Elle in Legally Blond, "In my experience, it has a 98% success rate of getting a man's attention and when used appropriately -- it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation. It's called the 'bend and snap.'"

As per yours truly, I might have to swap "a man's attention" to "my symptoms''" attention and "a dinner invitation" to "an increase in medications." 8-O lol 

 (The sole reason why I am making this post public is to show you the famous "bend and snap" that never fails! 8-O lol)

(This is cross-posted in Neologism in Ratology.)

Fish on the cutting board

I spoke many times about the "fish on the cutting board" phenomena which often happen when I try to fall asleep (though it does happened as well during the day time).

Essentially, my body would twitch or jerk around...

Sometimes, a part of the body would get thrown out of the bed and fall... be it the upper, mid, lower back, the neck or the limps.

Other times, a part of my body would be twitching to one side while the remaining would move to the opposite side (e.g, upper body to the left and lower body to the right).

Still other times, both sides of my body including limps would jump up-- nicely divided by my spine-- with the neck jumping up, too, at points.

Or, one side of the body might decide to go up while the other one down...

In some other scenarios, a combination of what was mentioned above...

... a translation of the "Fish on the cutting board" phenomena with limited my words.

I had always known that it has something to do with my nerves... even before my injuries.

In my pre-spinal injuries era, this would happen when the dosage of Seroquel got increased or became too much for my body to handle (and, Seroquel works on the "neuro-transmitters and is taken at bed time).

After my injuries, when the nerve pains are bad, the twitching, jerking and jumping also go wild.

A lot of times, I can feel the firecrackers along my spine as my body goes twitching and twisting around.

Nowadays, when I get upset, there is no doubt I would see the worsening of da twisting around all night long ...



I don't know how anyone could sleep this way when the body does acrobatic exercise at its own will.

All that I could do is to keep on trying to fall asleep while getting really annoyed by such minor inconveniences in life.

I tried to describe it to many people in various occasions but most of them seemed to have no inkling about what I was speaking of.

Then, earlier today, I spoke with this lady friend of mine with MS and she told me how she also had similar problems.

It was nothing to be happy about--- yet, it gave me an interesting sense of relief that... "Man... I am not the only flying fish on the cutting board."

So, after I got home, I decided to look up some discussion forums where people might share with earch others experiences alike...

And... so I found... flying fish fellowship...

1. http://caloriecount.about.com/whole-body-twitches-whilel-sleeping-help-ft31272
2. http://forums.webmd.com/3/sleep-disorders-exchange/forum/792/0
3. http://www.power-surge.com/php/forums/lofiversion/index.php/t18442.html
4. http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=42280

Happy Six round (Why am I happy)

I might not be happy all the time but I make it my life's goal... the pursuit for happiness.

This posting marks the end of the never ending Happy Six round...

Why am I happy?(merged with why is it strange that I am happy.): In a nutshell... I am endowed with a few experiences unnecessary for ordinary people with some of which could be conceived as sort of miserable; since life's got varieties, might as well be happy since what could be the alternative... I guess?  8-O lol

Some examples in point format... what I can itemize for you:

1. psychotic with delusions and hallucinations, 
2. propensity for depression, 
3. Anxiety attacks
4. chronic pain, 
5. physical and mobile disability, 
6. can't use my head as in from 2-3 words,
7. can't work, 
8. can't feel, 
9. losing a sense of self,
10. motivation problems, 
11. dosage adjustment of antipsychotic medication, 
12. strange bodily experiences, 
13. strange life experiences but still in one piece and kicking, 
14. accomplished nothing, 
15. invisibly disabled, 
16. ice age... cold air won't stop coming out... especially from my mouth... God.... when is it gonna stop?
17. sleepless with psychotic symptoms, 
18. dry mouth, 
19. spasm in esophagus at bed time leaving you wonder whether you might choke to death in your sleep, 
20. ear-ringing like I am running a train station in my head, 
21. the body jump around like a fish on cutting board when trying to sleep night after night
22. money issues 
23. not disable according to governmental regulations in the US and in Taiwan
24. and... of course, immigration issues concerning the US

Ok... I know ain't like its all that much blah blah blah... and there are too many people far worse off...

Some references covering the above though not all of them...
Something about happiness, A loving trip, Birthday 3, Speed, Grateful, Loving Intentions, Happy New Year, pain, Ratology State Report, Assumptions, Time, Ground zero, Back to that lady, That lady, First Day back to work, Recovery, To feel, Suffering, Humor and Curiosity, Anniversary, The day after... 叫春時段, From the utilities of 英英美代子: Happiness and fear, Lost, Wish for zeros, Lazy and/or invisibly disabled, House gone psychotic, Potion, Walker, What have I done lately, Insanity, Ain't no nothing, Academic pursuits, Dial up vs gigabyte network, Life and game, Reset again, Sidekicks, Crutch, Grandma's words of wisdom, Harassment,  State, Appropriating real, 脫竅, So much more could have been done..., Another first time in my life.., Be honest-- happy?, Cracking, Motivation, Phenomenology,  Ratprincess, to be even more special, Miracle, Love, terminal death, God, Buddha or else?, Life and its unfolding: on extraordinary, Delusion of references: Part I, Dance to..

On fear

There has been this fear for the resurrection of the positive symptoms....

More specifically, the symptoms involving fear, harm and death...

I have been afraid of their combat in the past few months as the dosage of Seroquel kept on getting decreased and decreased.....

Then I thought.... so they say....

The biggest fear is the fear itself....

So I thought again....

What is the point of fearing for the fear? For, shall the fear comes.... deal with in dasein and beyond.

Sort of like, shall I be deemed to flip around involuntarily like a live fish on a cutting board for a few more nights, leave them dasein to dasein and in dasein. What is the point of worrying about the moments when it is here not?

Sounds simple but I guess it takes practice.... One thing I have learned so far through my useless existence of the past few months I guess... 8-O lol 8-X

Fish on cutting board

It's been a while since this has been happening...

Every night after I take my medication and when I go to bed, I would have this involuntary movement in my body...

Essentially, all different parts of my body would go jerking around... the chest, the stomach and the legs... You can't help it and you feel parts of your body jumping around on your bed as if they don't belong to you... (speaking of neurological impairments). All that you could do is to pray to God that it will end soon or you could fall asleep soon so that you don't have to deal with it. At times, I even have this thought that... why don't I simply go and take a sleeping pill so that I will let the body deals with itself....

To envision what it looks like, envision yourself looking at a live fish pulled out of the water and on the cutting board... How it jerks around...

After a certain point, you just lay there quitely letting it happen and run through its course because there ain't no nothing you could do other than simply letting it do what it has to do... My mama, for instance, who sleeps in the same room has no idea at all...

Everyday I wish it to be the last night for it to happen.... since it would take time for the decreased dosage to take effect...

Yet, everynight is just another night... for da wishful thinking...

Last night, after I took 250mg of Seroquel as opposed to 300 mg, I went to bed and wishing that run-away-horse kind of experiences would not occur.

It did happen again. However, the intensity decreased drastically.

You would say that it might be self-fulfilling prophecy.

Even so, first night dosage down, the horror at bed time seems to have become less horrible.

Cognitive impairment and flat affect both are bad. Ain't so good either, nightly, being da fish on cutting board.

Shall you wonder why I am playing Russian Roulette with my meds.

(And, by the way, I do sometimes ponder whether what I am describing here is actually seizures or myoclonus induced by Seroquel.)